A History In Horrible Wedding Photos

I can only assume this marriage ended in homicide, thats safe to say, right?

 
No joke, some people really shouldn’t be allowed to get married. It’s just embarrassing. Uptight conservatives running all over the place protesting gay marriage for ruining its sanctity and then you see a photo gallery like this…sanctity?


There’s a dude holding a 45 pound burger in one of his wedding photos, another guy is goosing his wife, and that’s not even touching upon the slew of fugly couples who look wayyyyyy to happy considering the creature they’re about to marry.  I mean aren’t you supposed to look your absolute best on your wedding?  If your husbands best can be described as a homeless mans Loyd Christmas you’re in for a very regrettable wedding. 

MLB Hires Some Poor Fan to Watch Every Baseball Game in 2011

400K for an entire season of this? Worth it?

My Fox - Starting Thursday, he will be holed up in MLB's "Fan Cave," a shrine to fandom built in the old Tower Records building in Manhattan, in front of 15 flat-screen televisions. As he watches the games, he will tweet his thoughts, be interviewed by MLB sportscasters, and have his daily adventures chronicled in online videos. As of Tuesday, O'Hara, 37, said he still had a girlfriend. Fortunately for him, he will not have to live in the 15,000-square-foot Fan Cave or subsist on a diet of stadium food..."I don't want to end up two sizes larger by the end of the season," he said. MLB officials would not say how much O'Hara is being paid, but said his salary falls between that of a batboy and baseball's league minimum of $400,000.


I love baseball, love the redsox, eat up sportscenter highlights, I’d kill myself before I let someone pay me to watch every game possible.  Kill myself. 

Baseball is a great game, but when it goes bad, it goes really bad.  The 45 minute innings with a pitcher that can’t get an out. The 5 hour games because each teams manager convenes a circle jerk at the mound any time a pitcher throws more than 2 balls in a row late in the game.  Yankees fans. Joe buck and Tim Mccarver. These are all things I hate. And I haven’t even mentioned the pain and suffering of having to watch American league central or NL central games.  Sorry middle America, even your sports teams are boring and insufferable, much like your farm filled region. 

Kudos to these guys if they make it through it, but I just wouldn’t be surprised if this ended in some kind of bizarre murder suicide plot they’ll be dissecting Real Sports HBO.  Bryant Gumbel would eat that up...I swear that's not a fat joke.

K-Mart Shopper Caught Jacking Off in the Men's Section

(Mentor) -- This is not your everyday K-Mart blue light special.  An Ashtabula County man's been charged with exposing himself, and playing with his genitals in the men's department of a K-Mart store in Mentor. Mentor police Lt. Tom Powers tells WTAM 1100 that a loss prevention officer at the K-Mart at 9200 Mentor Avenue called police Monday after she saw a man acting strangely in the store's men's department. She told police that the man eventually exposed himself, and started masturbating. The man, 28-year-old Richard Hennessey of Jefferson, was questioned by Mentor police, and could not give police a reason of why he did this. Part of the evidence against Hennesey is a videotape provided by the loss prevention officer to police.

Attention Walmart shopp...whoa, wait a minute, my bad, K-Mart Shoppers, clean up in aisle 6. Sorry about that Walmart, your customers do have some limits it seems (for the time being anyway I'm sure that'll change any day now).  

To this mans credit he did have the decency to diddle himself in the men's section.  It's not like he was off in the kids clothing section or the toy department, or even the women's undergarment area.  He was at least trying to do the right thing here. 

And lets just be honest for a second, who among us hasn't struggled to find the changing room at a department store once in a while? They purposely place them in the most far flung corners of the store, no where near the clothes sections, it's almost like they're begging guys like this to choke the chicken in the slacks section.  Gotta Feng Shui that shit up K-Mart, stop things like this from happening.

Apparently Girls Are Getting Wasted Drunk on Alcohol Soaked Tampons?

The Local - Police in the Baden-Württemburg city of Tuttlingen responded Tuesday to growing online chatter among teenagers that they could become intoxicated using the vodka tampons without having alcohol on their breath...The trend arose among teens in the United States, where it is known as “slimming.” But it has reportedly caught on in Scandinavia and other places where alcohol is difficult for young people to acquire.  Some Facebook groups are even devoted to exchanging tips on the topic, complete with how-to videos and instructions. 

Frigen girls, they got it made in the shade.  Spare me the crap about pregnancy, periods, and hair straighteners.  Apparently there's one huge upside to being a broad, vodka soaked tampons.  

You can get loaded pretty much anywhere, any time that you want and everyone will be none the wiser breath wise (aside from the Tipsy Tina Symptoms).  Rough day at work? Enjoy some Vag-Vodka during lunch.  Your child's school play in the evening? Teabag that Tampon in some 151, that'll get you through it.  Boring day of errands and shit to do? A nice shot to the twat should spice things up.

I'm just going to end it there, I've ran out of funny terms for vaginal alocholism.  Better to quit while you're ahead.

Teacher In Trouble for Asking Fat Student if He Ate His Homework

This kid definitely ate his homework

BROOKFIELD, Conn. - A Connecticut math teacher is fighting to keep his job after asking an overweight student if he ate his homework. Brookfield High School teacher Robert Wollkind says he has Asperger's syndrome, a high-functioning form of autism in which social interactions can be awkward...Wollkind was placed on administrative leave in November after the comment to the student, who previously had been teased by others about his weight...Wollkind has said his Asperger's makes it difficult for him to read others' emotions. More than 1,000 Brookfield parents and students have signed a petition supporting him.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the expression, "the dog ate my homework?" Before we jump to conclusions here, are we sure the teacher just didn't confuse his euphemism, like he went to say dog but a little Freuedian (or Aspergerian apparently) slip of the tongue later and he said fat, well, because the kid was fat? 

I'm not trying to pick on the kid here, I'm just wondering if we should be so quick to judge the teacher.  I mean who hasn't let something slip that they shouldn't have once in a while? Made a gay joke in front of a gay, implied that a girl was a bitch in front of your female boss (yep, check that one off for CW this past week), or made fun of fat people, in the presence of fat people.

That kind of shit happens all the time in life.  Correct protocol isn't to race off and fire or defriend someone on Facebook.  The correct action is to give the person who said it a look of 50% questioning, 50% death stare, while the offender as quickly as possible tries to pretend the situation never happened.  As far as I'm concerned that's all that needs to happen here.

Plus we're losing sight of the bigger picture here, this allegedly fat kid didn't do his homework, are people forgetting this? This story is the best thing that could happen to him, in all this hullabaloo I'm sure this kid sneaky finished his homework late and left it on the teachers desk while no one was paying attention.  Sly kid, could use a mind like that over here at the Tabs.

Girl Makes Epic Drunk Dial To Guy She Met at Bar Named "Ryan"

Wow, you've got to admire her spirit here.  She clearly saw something she wanted, in his apparently very flattering shirt and pants, and went right after it.  A usually bold and effective move, though this time, just bold.  Maybe keep it a little more concise next time, with less sharing and verbal diahrrea, ok Dominic?  A few thoughts:

The girls name is Dominic? That could explain the neverousness of this call.  Probably the first dude who ever gave her a number who wasn't sorely disappointed to find out she wasn't a tranny.

I think I can safely say you're not the only ones that love Yo-Yo's.  6th grade CW was a borderline Yo-Yo master.  And then there's the billion+ Asians who I'm sure are rocking sick cat's cradles while solving calculus equations just for fun right now.

You work where again? Ebay? How do you spell that? I don't think I'm familiar with that company...I hope this kid was just yamming on her about not being sure what Ebay was.  I mean, I know some people just aren't into the internet and technology, just waiting for that fad to pass, but I have to believe everyone is at least aware of Ebay. If not I'd seriously have to question what you've been preoccupied with for the past 10 years, with my first guess being killing and disposing of chicks you met at the bar, as I hear that can be quite time consuming.  

So the kid left urgently, but gave her a real phone number? Now I'm really confused.  Did he really have indigestion and had to skip out of the bar or was he trying to get away from this leech?  Because if he was just trying to get away why did he give her a real number?  I'm going with eh really had indigestion, which is a code word for a case of the squirts.  Which is odd in its own right as back in my single days, telling a girl you had to take a dump just wasn't an effective pickup line.  Even worse was a girl telling you that she occasionally gets the shits.  It's just not stuff you want to hear, ya know?

Well I was going to advise this kid to pull out a restraining order on Dominic here,  until she threw out the "page me" line.  I know personally I'd have to meet the one person in America still rocking a beeper.  Not often in the 2000's you get the chance to hit someone up with the 911, 143 booty page.

Whoa, whoa...I thought you said you worked at that Ebay place?  You mean you really just work in the mall food court at Jamba J-U-I-C-E?  Which one is it really?  Whatever the point, as much as it sounds like you'd worship this guys feet and serve his every want, I'm going to have to advise he doesn't page, fax, email, call, or text you.  Sorry hun, you can't start a relationship off with a lie. 

Mom Gives 8 Year Old Daughter Botox Injections, Which I Completely Support

Huffington Post - Today in beauty fact or fiction, The Sun sits down with eight-year-old Britney Campbell of San Francisco, whose mother Kerry claims she is already injecting the child with Botox so that she'll "become a star." Britney explains to the tabloid, "My friends think it's cool I have all the treatments and they want to be like me. I check every night for wrinkles, when I see some I want more injections. They used to hurt, but now I don't cry that much."  But it doesn't stop there -- Kerry reveals that Britney "also has her virgin wax monthly, which gets rid of her fluffy leg hair and makes sure she wont develop pubic hair in the future." Now, that's an all-new, screwed up level, if we do say so ourselves.


This really isn't that surprising, kids are competitive out of the womb these days, pre-preschool, preschools that promise ivy league degrees like 22 years in the future, specialists for shit that I’m fairly certain I was left to my own devices to figure out as a child, and you know, I don't blame the parents.  If I went to some fancy educational specialists as an infant maybe I’d be doing more with my life than bitching about my job and blogging for about $20 a month.


So it only makes sense you’d want your little girls to get a headstart in the looks department too, a leg up on attracting those doctors and Harvard grads.  Not just the kids their age either, you bring that 8 year old into the Dr's office for her injections, they build a rapport with the staff over the years, and boom 10-11 years later she’s 19 and hooking up with a successful plastic surgeon she’s known all her life, got herself a sugar daddy. Your job as a parent is complete. You’ve ensured a successfully financial future, even if it is the life of a gold digger, you’ve taught your daughter and important survival skill, the beautiful don’t have to work, and really, that's one of the most important life lessons all kids should learn at an early age. Why go on working hard through elementary and middle school if you don't have too?

Mom Drops Kids off With Stranger so She Can Go Get High, Stranger Obliges

PALMETTO, FL. – A Palmetto woman faces charges of child neglect after leaving her kid with a stranger for two days...According to a police report, Willis knocked on the door of a stranger’s apartment in the 400 block of 11th Street Drive West at 9am Saturday morning. Willis told the man who answered the door that her car A/C needed repair and asked him to watch her boy, and the man agreed. After the woman did not return for several hours, the man contacted the Safe Child Coalition, who sent police to take custody of the child. Willis returned to the apartment Monday morning to pick up the child and was later arrested. She told detectives that she was using drugs.

Say what you want about the mom, she’s a horrible person, but how about questioning the stranger here.  Who the hell accepts a baby from a stranger.  If I’m sitting at home some afternoon blogging or watching tv, I’m sure as shit not watching anyone’s kid.  You’d have a hard enough time at 9 am on a Saturday of convincing me to babysit a kid I know nevermind some crackwhore’s child. Shit is nuts.

And exactly how long did he wait before he began to think this was strange? Two hours? 5? Was it later that evening? Did he change diapers or feed the kid?  Did he have a rough estimate as to how long an AC repair would take or was this just open ended from the start. 

How was this even illegal actually?  Shitty parenting sure, but the guy agreed, and then had the audacity to call the cops because the babysitting some random junkies kid suddenly became inconvenient.  Have some decency bro, you make an open ended commitment to some strung out crackhead then you've got to honor that. If not the whole system falls apart.

Burger King's Attempt to Copy the Mcnugget an Obvious Failure

Slash Food - Burger King has a history of being inspired by the menu items of their long-time adversary McDonald's. In the '90s, BK revamped their old soggy French fries with a crispier recipe that suspiciously resembled the ones at the Golden Arches. It was also during that decade that BK blatantly ripped off McDonald's Big Mac with the introduction of the short-lived Big King...this time looking to the McNugget for inspiration, and attempting to do more than just drop the "Mc." Here's how they rate:

The Claims: BK's new Chicken Tenders are "tender," "crispy," and contain "white meat." They come in servings of four (190 calories), eight (380 calories), or twenty (950 calories). If you do the math, you'll find that each piece is 47.5 calories, but that adds up when you dip it in any of the six sauces: Zesty, Honey Mustard, Ranch, Buffalo, Barbecue, or Sweet & Sour...

 The Verdict: C. Gone away are the crown-shaped chicken pieces of the past; at a glance, these new Chicken Tenders look just like McNuggets (albeit a tad smaller) -- they have the same colored batter and even come in peculiar shapes like the ones at Mickey D's. The batter is crispy and starchy, like the McNuggets', with little to no herbs or spices to be tasted other than salt and a little pepper. The inside texture is just like the McDonald's counterpart: white meat that is ground, pressed, processed, and formed into nuggets. The taste is also similar, but not exactly the same. If it was BK's intention to simulate their rivals' chicken offering, they've missed the mark; what they have is drier and leaner-tasting, as opposed to the slightly fattier and softer texture found at the Golden Arches. (When I'm in the mood to order processed fast food chicken nuggets, I already know what I'm getting into, and prefer the latter.)

I kinda wish this review didn't try to be so professional and just came out and said what they were thinking.  Burger King tried to copy the Mcnugget and failed, pretty simple.  Great review, but sometimes you just need to be blunt and to the point.  Save the long winded stuff for something that costs more than 1.99 and a clogged artery.

BK's nuggets have always sucked. Even those chicken-fry things they tried out a couple years ago, its either chicken of a fry it's not both guys.  And reshaping your nuggets to look like McD's isn't fooling anyone. It's not really BK's fault, its a simple case of Nature vs. Nurture. 

BK's tenders may be a bit more healthy, but kid's in America are raised on the Mcnugget, it's the go-to Happy Meal for parents on the go across America.  A toy, 4 pieces of delicious golden nugget, and a delightful 8 oz carton of milk for like $4.  The Mcnugget happy meal is as natural to a 4 or 5 year old as breast milk is to an infant, and that's a tough bond to break.  It's not like you could just give your infant soy milk one day when it's been sucking on the teet for a few weeks.  Not gonna happen.  That's going to be one un-happy baby, just like I would have been one un-happy rugrat if my parents ever tried to get me a BK chicken tender meal as a child. No way Jose.

Your Latest Outrageous WalMart Related Blog, Woman Chokes out Walmart Greeter

Mugshot Hall of Fame, pure contempt.

Fox News - Elyria police say 49-year-old Toni Duncan, of Elyria, was asked to show a receipt Saturday and responded by pushing a cart into the greeter, grabbing his throat and choking him. She was charged with assault. Her daughter, 21-year-old Ashley Jackson, of Elyria, was charged with aggravated menacing and inducing panic. The (Lorain) Morning Journal reports that she's accused of saying she would blow up the store and that the greeter would be dead when her boyfriend learned of the incident. Both face a court appearance Wednesday. No attorney for either was listed in court records, and no working phone number was found for either.

I'd be lying if I said I'd been warning people for years that one of these greeters was going to get choked out eventually, but I have been thinking it. It's quite literally the most dangerous job in retail.  I'd take the Midnight-6AM at a gas station convenience store shift and risk armed robbery over being a greeter for Walmart or any other stores.

The problem is, back in the day it used to just be some cute old Grandparent on the verge of senility, working to pass the time, just grinning and nodding, giving kids a pat on the head, everything was fine.  But now? Now companies have these people doing actual work, it's a down economy and they can't afford to pay people for their smiles anymore.  Time to put Grandpa to work.  So now Grandpa is forced to check your bag and your receipt upon exiting, and that shit is not cool.

I don't need Old Father Time judging me for my purchases on my way out.  You just saw me leave the register two seconds ago, what could I have possibly stolen during the 3.8 seconds it took for me to put my wallet away and gather my bags?  It's bad enough that I'm shopping in Walmart, I don't need you peering through whatever the hell it was that I bought that I was probably too ashamed to buy in a regular store like Target where I might risk a co-worker or friend seeing me.  Like knock on wood I don't have hemroids, but if I ever did you know where I'd be buying the hemroid cream. At Walmart.  At least there I'd fit right in with their every day shoppers,  no one would bat an eye at someone buying hemroid cream at Walmart.  But at Target? I'd get to the register and suddenly I'd bump into an Aunt, a co-worker, some kid I haven't seen since like the 4th grade that's now going to go post on Facebook how I have hemroids. Shit would be a nightmare.  

People go to Walmart for three reasons: 1) They're dirty and aren't allowed in Target, 2) Day care was closed so they're just going to let their kids run around they store for the day, 3) To buy embarrassing shit away from the rest of civilized society.

I don't need some nosy greeter ruining #3 for me, an I'm guessing Elyria felt the same way.

PS: I'm totally considering just starting a Walmart Watch Blog. There's at least one outrageous story coming out of their per day.

A-Rod the Slumlord? Awesome.

Fox News - While most of the world knows the New York Yankees’ third baseman as ‘A-Rod,’ a tenant of Normandy Park calls him something else. “He’s a slumlord,” says Vince, who would only give his first name. “I’ll call it just as I see it.” According to a Florida corporate records search, Rodríguez owns Newport Property Ventures, a real estate company that owns and operates eight properties in the Tampa Bay area.  Their website displays appealing photos to advertise their property, but if you take a visit to the complex you see a structure in need of repairs. “You got leaky faucets, leaky bathrooms, screens coming off, dog feces everywhere,” said a tenant who did not want to be identified. Residents complain to on-site management about the trash strewn along the complexes walkways because there aren’t enough dumpsters. The biggest complaint among tenants currently is the development’s swimming pool. Residents say it’s been a mess and unusable for about three years. “The pool is always full of bacteria,” says another tenant who did not want to be identified.

I love this, a slum lord, that is soooo Arod.  Guy has everything in the world but he can't help but give people reasons to complain about him. 

I can just picture him reacting to this, bitching and moaning about people complaining about their leaky sinks, wondering why everyone is picking on him. 

Think about it, all the God given talent a baseball player has ever had, but a historical choker and pouter.  Great looks (I mean, from what I hear) but a narcissistic sissy model who once dated the corpse of Madonna, instead of banging playmates and other flavors of the month like his classy teammate Jeter.  And finally, all the money you could need, but runs his tenements like a penny pinching slumlord.  Classic Arod. 

....On the bright side I don't think he needs to fret about whether or not to play for the Dominican or USA in the WBC anymore, I definitely buy your Dominican-ness after reading this.

Florida's Worst Enemy, The Sinkhole, Is Back.

Man Sinkholes have a high rate of receidivism huh? This was the womans second time being attacked by a sinkhole this year!  These things are on par with rapists and pedophiles in my book.

But I'm going to call bull on the "There's no cell phone reception in a sink hole" comment.  I can't help but notice that you're waiving around an I-phone.  At the risk of offending Steve Jobs and ruining any chance the Alt-Tab has of being made into an App, don't you think the crappy phone you're hanging on to could have something to do with it?  Maybe you were holding it in that "death grip" that Apple warns about.  Because, though I've never been clumsy enough to be swallowed by a sinkhole, I have been in a basement, and without fail my phone will work in a basement.  The signal may not be great, but it works, and that's with the added element of concrete walls and ceilings and shit, much more treacherous of an environment than a sinkhole.

Baby Jessica Sitting on 800K Trust Fund, All Because She Fell Down a Well as a Child

Jessica McClure Morales is now a contented stay-at-home mother of two, and her youngest is 18 months old — the same age she was when her accident drew the eyes of the world to this oil-patch city. She lives less than two miles from the site of the 1987 rescue. "That's all Jessica has ever wanted was to be a mom and have a family," said her father, Chip McClure. "She's a good mom and keeps her eyes on her kids. She's certainly a doting mother."  McClure Morales has no memory of being wedged in the pipe or of the 15 operations that followed her ordeal, according to her father. A scar from her hairline to the bridge of her nose is still visible where her head rubbed against the wall of the well. She also lost a toe to gangrene because one leg was pinned above her head in the underground shaft.  Tim Fischer / Midland Reporter-Telegram/AP file Jessica McClure, known to the world as "Baby Jessica," receives her high school diploma at Greenwood High School graduation ceremonies near Midland, Texas, on May 28, 2004. Now Jessica McClure Morales, she is married with two children. These days, she and her husband run a mobile car- and truck-washing business out of their home, according to a recent interview she gave to the Dallas Morning News.  In October 1987, Chip and Cissy McClure were poor teenagers struggling to make ends meet during the depths of the oil bust. While visiting her sister, Jessica's mother left her in the yard while she went to answer the phone. Moments later, Jessica came upon the 8-inch well opening and fell inside.

Where do I start?  The fact that the little hick baby that fell down the well grew up to live 2 miles down the road from the well and works as a trailer home washer out of her drive way? Or the fact that in America all you have to do is fall down a well as an infant and people will donate wild amounts of money to your cause, and you can just sit back and wait out 20 years to collect it.  

Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for what happened, and the public outpouring is a great thing. But it's not like she remembers this whole event, she wasn't even two!Shouldn't the cash be tied to some kind of goals and incentives, aside from live to the age of 25?  

Maybe it's just me but the money probably would have been much better served if it was earmarked for college tuition, or only could be released after obtaining a degree. Probably shouldn't be rewarding people for sitting back and washing their neighbors RV's in their driveway like some teenage kid looking to make a few bucks during summer vacation is all I'm saying here.

Also, what the hell is she doing living 2 miles from the well? Some kind of Stockholm Syndrome? If I fell down a well and was on national tv for the whole ordeal I'd sure as shit move out of state, probably to some safe state that has regulations about abandoned wells having covers on them for public safety, basically no where down south. 

Man Passes Out Masturbating Inside Panera Bathroom Stall

MINNEAPOLIS (WCCO) — Police discovered a half-naked man sleeping in a restroom stall with pornographic magazines at a Panera Bread in Minneapolis, according to the Hennepin County Sheriff’s Office. Minneapolis Police were dispatched Wednesday at 2:12 p.m. to the Panera, located at 809 Nicollet Mall, on the report of indecent exposure. When they arrived, they found the man sleeping on his back in the stall with his pants and underwear pulled down around his ankles. Police noticed that there were pornographic pictures spread out and some affixed to the stall walls. The man had apparently fallen asleep while masturbating, according to the criminal complaint.

The lesson in all this?  That Bacon Turkey Bravo is a legit beast of a sandwhich.  Enough Turkey to knock out even the heftiest of dudes. Something to keep in mind when contemplating a post lunch spank.

The bigger issue here, how about the complete lack to privacy in public bathrooms these days.  I think it's safe to assume that this guy would have closed the stall door before turning the bathroom into his own little porn cave, and if that's the case, how in the hell did anyone discover this?  Who's to assume that he's not in there just working on a serious deuce or maybe just using a little quiet time to catch up on his favorite magazine.

In fact, who's to say the man was even masturbating?  He doesn't look like a bright, educated guy.  What if his favorite magazine just happens to be Jugs and he happened to pass out due to extreme relaxation and a large turkey sandwhich.  For all we know those 15 minutes a day this guy spends leisurely reading in peace on the throne after lunch is just a relaxing break in an otherwise miserable existance.  Can you really arrest a guy for accidentally nodding off while reading his favorite periodical on the shitter?  I'd be arrested 2x-3x a year. May not be reading porn, but hey, to each his own, right? This is America after all.

Montana Radio Shack Offering Free Gun with Direct TV (or Pizza if You're not a Complete Nut Job)

CNN - A Radio Shack owner in Montana has upped foot traffic at his Hamilton store by offering free guns for new satellite television subscribers, according to a local paper. Fear not, those opposed to gun ownership and those who might fail background checks. You can have free pizza instead. Strand said the promotion, which began in October, has tripled his business and lured hundreds of people curious about the sign. Only one person who “didn’t understand how it works” has reacted negatively, he said. “We have people literally stop in to take pictures of the sign,” Levy added. Simply sign a contract, purchase certain equipment, set up an installation date and congratulations! You could be the proud owner of a Hi-Point .380-caliber handgun or a 20-gauge shotgun from Frontier Guns & Ammo, which is just north of town. If you don’t want a gat or can’t pass the background check (which the Republic reports is also free with the satellite TV subscription), you can still have a $50 Pizza Hut gift card. Strand told the newspaper that other Radio Shack owners in the state were too scared to follow his lead. Even Dish Network had its doubts but agreed to the idea after months of talks with Strand, the newspaper said.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.  If I'm a relatively sane person and don't want the free burner all I get is $50 to Pizza Hut? Don't get me wrong, Pizza Hut is great in a pinch, but I don't think I've spent 50 bucks there in the last 5 years total.  Not to mention the fact that the pistol retails for an MSRP of $120, and I'll assume the shotgun is even more expensive.  What the hell kind of jip-job is Radio Shack running here? You've got to at least throw in a few free 2 liters and some cheesy garlic sticks to make this right. 

By the way, shouldn't the fact that someone would sign up for Direct TV to obtain a free gun, fail the background check right on the spot? Is that the type of rational decision making we want out of a gun owner, really?  Guy just compulsively signed up for a 1 or 2 year commitment all for a hand gun.  I'd hate to see what other impulsive decisions he makes...

TV Networks Pulling Simpsons Nuclear Episodes Off Air, Expect Pat on the Back for their Effor

(EW.com) -- Japan's nuclear power plant crisis is no laughing matter in Springfield: Networks in several European countries are reportedly reviewing episodes of "The Simpsons" for any "unsuitable" references to nuclear disaster. An Austrian network has apparently pulled two eps, 1992's "Marge Gets a Job" and 2005's "On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister," which include jokes about radiation poisoning and nuclear meltdowns, respectively. Al Jean -- exec producer of the animated Fox comedy featuring inept family man/nuclear power plant worker Homer Simpson -- tells EW that he can appreciate the concern. "We have 480 episodes, and if there are a few that they don't want to air for awhile in light of the terrible thing going on, I completely understand that," says Jean, citing the previous example of the 1997 episode "Homer Versus the City of New York" that was pulled after 9/11 because it included key scenes at the World Trade Center. "We would never make light of what's happening in Japan." Twentieth Television, the syndication division of Fox Television, has provided U.S. stations that air "The Simpsons" in syndication with a list of episodes that contain potentially sensitive material given the unfolding disaster in Japan, so those stations can decide whether or not to pull them. (This isn't an uncommon practice in such situations.)

Here's the thing, I get why networks would pull it for sensitivity reasons for a while, but why go out of your way to broadcast it? Why give someone like me a chance to bitch about this? It's not a big deal, you could have pulled the episodes quietly for a while, there's like 23 or so seasons of the Simpsons, plenty of episodes, I'm not sure anyone was going to notice if you pull 3 or 4 off the shelves for a year or so.  

You know why they did it? So they could put out a press release congratulating themselves for pulling the episodes.  It's a publicity ploy.  They could have quietly done the right thing and pulled the episodes without mentioning it, but they had to pat themselves on the back for doing their part to help Japan through their difficult time.

Screw you and your phony self awareness. CW is over here, consciously going out of his way not to make any Japanese jokes (and I went to BestBuy to buy new technology this weekend, do you know how hard it was to walk by the digital camera section and not make jokes) but I'm not out there advertising it so that everyone thinks I'm doing my part. I'm doing shit over here, and pulling episodes of a cartoon off the air isn't exactly making these networks the equivalent of the Red Cross either, so spare me the self righteousness and self congratulations.

Boston Subway Catches Fire During Rush Hour, Commuters Act Like it's No Big Deal

Boston Globe - More than 200 people were evacuated this afternoon from a six-car Orange Line train after a grease fire broke out in a tunnel near the Chinatown station, the Boston Fire Department said. Firefighters responded at 3:02 p.m. to a report of a fire involving a train just outside the station, said department spokesman Steve MacDonald. Deputy Fire Chief Joseph Finn said at the scene that grease had accumulated in the track area and when a train passed over it, it sparked a small but very smoky fire 100 feet before the Chinatown station. The fire was extinguished with two carbon dioxide fire extinguishers, he said. No one was injured as 225 passengers were evacuated, said MacDonald.

Here's my thing, why are you having to be told to evacuate the subway if there is a frigen fire in the tunnel? Go take a bus people!  Do you see that pic, people just hanging out like it's no big deal, like they deal with grease fire smoke on the subway on a regular basis.  There's a goddamn grease fire like 300 yards away, I'd be fleeing the tunnel running for my life, arms flailing.  In contrast you have these battle hardened public transportation veterans who've seen just about everything they can see I guess.  Grease fires, muggings, the occasional groper, and the asian ladies who bring live poultry on the train in their shopping carts.  Nothing phases these people.  Worries about smoke inhalation and possible terrorism fears be damned, they're not missing the next train, doesn't matter if the caboose is a-flame, just another day on the Boston MBTA. 

Florida Town Bans Jello Wrestling During Bike Week

LEESBURG, Fla. -- Leesburg's annual Bikefest is set for next week and city leaders are about to make sure it doesn't get too rowdy. City officials want to ban Jello and pudding wrestling matches. Leesburg city officials want no rain at next week's Bikefest and no controversial events either."We have had some odd events take place in the past. It's simply not the kind of event we want to have at the Leesburg Bikefest," Mayor David Knowles said...For Knowles that means no type of fighting competitions, especially the ones that include Jello, after hearing that some vendors that sell alcohol planned to hold wrestling matches involving desserts. Officials plan to ban them; the city does not want its event to be like Daytona Beach's Bike Week."We've had a number of organizations come to Leesburg and look at Leesburg and say, 'This is not really our kind of party place.' And they go elsewhere," Knowles explained.The mayor wouldn't name names, but says well-known motorcycle gangs now skip Leesburg's gathering, and that's fine with him. He says the city doesn't specifically bill Bikefest as a family-friendly event; it's mostly motorcycles after all. But there are still lots of children and a few events geared toward them, and a more responsible crowd of grownups that tend to behave."It may be an adult event, but it's not an x-rated adult event," Knowles said.

Well Jesus H.  You know why you're a second rate (if that) Florida town Leesburg?  Because of shit like this.  "Does not want its event to be like Daytona Beach." You should be lucky to be even mentioned in the same sentence as Daytona at this point.  People across the country know Daytona and go out of their way to visit Daytona.  You're a backwoods, redneck, hick town that no one has ever heard of, and now, thanks you your mayor, no one ever will. Seriously, while your mayor is busy tucking his sack back, other towns are hosting jello and pudding wrestling events and making a fortune off the tourism dollars.  

If you're holding a bike week you go all out, and if that means gelatin food based fighting contests, then so be it.  Embrace it, higher Bill Cosby to ref the fights, this is your big ticket out of the sticks and into the spot light.  Bike week isn't for families, it's for convicts and bull-dykes. And if I know one thing about convicts and bull-dykes its that they love watching females duke it out in J-E-LL-O.

I've never been to a bike week, not quite my scene, but I'd imagine aside from the Jello Wrestling events it's a total sausage fest, do you really want all that testosterone floating around your city with no release? Bikers just hitting on and groping all your local woman as they go about their daily lives.  Think about your town's safety here before you go making such rash decisions. 

Am I the Last One To Hear About Downhill Ice Skate Racing in Canada?

Seriously, is this not a Winter X-Games event? The winter games have been sorely lacking competitor to the summers Street Luge event and this may be it.  I mean, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed in the lack of checking, you are wearing hockey outfits after all, but then again I'm not risking my life flying down this ice luge so I won't complain too much. 

By the way, this is why America needs universal health care, so we can put on gnarly events like this.  Do you think any of the Canadians in the crowd or competing are worried in the least about a skate blade to the jugular? Nope, and you know why? Free ambulance ride and health care. 

I hope our government sees what we're dealing with here, we're losing out on the Extreme Sports innovation field to a bunch of hosers up north because we're busy being the last civilized country on earth arguing about whether or not universal health care is a good or bad thing.

Man Hires Hitman to Kill 19 Year Old Daughters 33 Year Old Sex Offender Boyfriend, Somehow He's the One Arrested

LA MESA, Calif. -- Police Friday arrested a Spring Valley man for allegedly trying to hire someone to kill the boyfriend of his 19-year-old daughter. Domingos Oliveira, 50, was arrested on suspicion of solicitation for murder at about 9 a.m. after detectives executed a search warrant at his home in the 10000 block of Roadside Place in Spring Valley. Police were contacted by Oliveira's daughter and boyfriend after several reward posters were posted on the Grossmont College campus over the last two weeks. The home-made fliers, allegedly made and distributed by Oliveira, offered $3000 for the boyfriend's body "dead or alive." The poster listed the boyfriend's name, had his photo and said he was a convicted sex offender. The boyfriend is 33 years old and a registered sex offender, according to police. Investigators released a copy of the poster with the boyfriend's personal information obscured.

If you're going to fault the guy, fault him for not going  hi-tech.  Who posts wanted posters on trees and telephone poles these days bro? That's so 1973.  Come on, that's what Facebook, Twitter, and Creepy UnderGround Message Boards are for. 

I mean no one is going to fault you for wanting to have your 19 year old daughters 33 year old sex offender boyfriend killed, that's as natural as the circle of life, though in the old days fathers usually just took care of it themselves without airing their dirty laundry to strangers.  Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't want society knowing that my daughters whoring it up with some diddlers in her dorm after English 101.  This is why I'm praying for sons whenever that day comes.

Also, 3k seems a little low for the "dead" part.  I mean alive, sure that seems like a fair going rate for kidnapping.  But I have to assume most professional hitmen are charging in the range of 10g's for contracts. And you definitely want a professional, nothing worse than some wannabe banger selling you up the river as soon as he even sees a police officer driving through his neighborhood.

E-mail Changing it's Spelling to Email? I Am Not on Board Here.

Boston Globe - Earlier this month, at a national convention of professional copy editors, the Associated Press announced a few changes to its house style. Calcutta would henceforth be Kolkata, cell phone and smart phone had become cellphone and smartphone, and CPR no longer needed the gloss “cardiopulmonary resuscitation.”...But it was the tiniest change on the list that set editors and word-watchers atwitter: The AP decreed that e-mail, after a minor surgical procedure, would emerge as the hyphen-less email.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...So this is real? Like it's official?  I thought I noticed something strange going on over the past few months, various spell checkers have been auto correcting my spelling of e-mail to email, without the hyphen.  It was driving me mad.  Right up until I read this article I thought I was simply losing my mind.  Like this strange ingrained belief that there was a hyphen in e-mail was just a crazy idea, incepted in my mind at some point.  

Turns out nope, wasn't that I'm crazy.  The people who run the internet have apparently been working on this slow switch for a while now, they just didn't feel like telling anyone or letting the rest of us in on the change.  And I'm sure they rather enjoyed themselves with this little practical joke.  I can just see the good old people of Google cackling daily as the search requests for the proper spelling of e-mail/email roll in.  Very funny guys, now can we change this back?

Because I'll tell you what, I'm not on board.  For years I've been very conscious of this little quirk in the English language, to the point that it's now been ingrained in my finger's muscle memory.  Now I've got to re-teach my fingers? Uh-uh, no way.  I'm sticking with the hyphen, even if it means going down with a sinking ship.  I might even go get a high school English teaching job just to keep the hyphen alive, just failing kids who refuse to hyphenate the word.  I'm very bitter about this change, I should have been consulted. 

PS: This totally reminds me of the time Akeem Olajuwon changed his name to Hakeem Olajuwon.  Do you regret that one yet, big fella? One more un-necessary keystroke slowing down your day.

Double PS: My spell checker is so not down with Kolkata, doesn't even know it should suggest Calcutta.  That change is doomed to fail.

So This is What Happens to People With Philosophy Majors?

Ohhhh, this is why all the Philosophy and English majors are hanging out in Starbucks...they're literally not fit for the real world.

Here's a hint toots, these people are successful, busy, businesess people.  They're adults, they're not your whack job professors, or overly  nurturing parents who raised an abject failure.  They're not going to find your loose leaf paper presentation cute just because you presented it on a Macbook.  It's sloppy. 

Here's another hint, stop saying "like," you sound like a goddamn valley girl.

And here's one more free lesson, selling jars of air isn't a "big idea." It's a scam.  And what the hell is the 500k for? You could bottle up some smog from LA and tell me it's air from Australia. I won't know the difference.  

Why don't you put some shoes on, un-decorate your Christmas tree of a face, get a pants-suit and join the real world.  I know it goes against everything you've ever believed in, but the mere fact that you're at the conference, begging for capital funding means you've made one fundamental realization for the first time in your life, you need money to do things, "like" live, and "like" breathe,  "like" afford a $12 a day mochiatto budget, and "like" if you ever want to "like" travel to Paris to bottle up that air you'll need money for that too.  Happy thoughts and good Karma don't buy plane tickets, I'm glad you've finally realized that. 

So for your next step why don't you go to Kinkos and put together a half decent resume. That would "like" be awesome.

PS: No one gives a fuck about your theories on air.  4th graders know what air is made up of, and it sure as shit isn't 6% energy, but thank you for the laugh. 

If Your March Madness Bracket isn't Destroyed by now, You're Probably a Chick.

Yep, we've reached that special time during every March Madness, CW's bracket is completely screwed, 90% of everyone in your pools are out of it, and CW starts railing against how chicks and dudes who know nothing about basketball win the damn pool every goddamn year, and why brake tradition this year?

I'm sorry but if the shoe has ever fit, it's this year.  No 1 or 2 seeds in the Final 4, Butler and VCU hosting their own little mid-major championship title bout on the right side of the bracket. UConn and Kentucky, two teams that were largely after thoughts until they stormed through their conference tourneys a few weeks ago, rewinding the clock 10 years and pretending like its the late 90's early 00's all over again. Just pure madness.  And anyone that saw it coming is lying. 

On the plus side I feel totally vindicated for my post a few weeks ago railing against all the prognosticators for sticking with chalk all throughout their brackets.  I'm pretty sure their picks look even worse than mine at this point...especially you Mr. Obama, how'd all four #1's work out for you? Amateur.  And yea, I refuse to address him Mr. President after this debacle, I don't just toss that title around to just anyone, you've got to earn it, and tossing up an 0-fer on your Final Four picks ain't earning you shit...I guarantee somewhere Kim Jong Il is sitting on a perfect bracket though.  Probably read about it on his website later this month.

Bronx Zoo Loses Poisonous Cobra, Don't Worry, They're Confident They Know Where It Is...

Just roaming the streets of NY, no big deal.

Fox News - Officials have closed the Reptile House at New York's Bronx Zoo after a poisonous Egyptian cobra disappeared from an enclosure that's separate from the animal exhibits. Zoo officials say the building was immediately closed and secured after staff learned that the adolescent snake was missing Friday afternoon. The zoo released a statement Saturday saying it's confident the 20-inch-long snake is in an area of the building that's not accessible to the public. Snakes usually seek closed-in spaces and aren't comfortable in open areas. Officials say they are informing the public out of an "abundance of caution and will continue to take whatever steps necessary to ensure public safety."

 I take zero confidence in your reassurance that the snake is just chilling in an area not accessible to the public. Zero. Maybe it's just me but if they were so sure, wouldn't they leave the zoo open for business.  I mean what's the harm if this serpent is just hanging out in a dark storage area? Shouldn't I still be able to view the baby pandas if that's the case?  

No, I think it's safe to say that they have no clue where it is and the workers are too terrified to go hunt it down, which I don't blame them for.  I like snakes, even owned one at one point, but there is no way in hell I'm hunting down a 20 inch Cobra in the middle of an urban jungle.  Just a general life plan I go by, WWIJD (What Would Indiana Jones Do), tells me that's a horrible idea.  

Because as a relative expert on Indy, I'm fairly certain he'd dramatically put on his hat, grab his satchel, whip, and that little Asian kid from Goonies, and high tail it the hell out of there.  It's a frigen 20 inch Cobra people.  The guy hates snakes. 

I'd be damn careful if I were walking the burroughs of New York until this demon animal is found dead.  I think the people of the Bronx have enough shit to worry about walking the streets with the drugs, hookers, hoodlums, and the Steinbrenner family.  Tossing a deadly snake into the mix pretty much seals the deal for the Bronx being the worst place in America to live. 

Woman Invents Anti-Camel Toe Defense - The Smooth Groove

So it's like a cup for women, right?  Like a jock strap thing that you've embroidered? That's what you've invented here?

Pretty cool name though, I'll give you that, though I doubt CW sitting here admiring the name of a woman's anti-camel toe device is necessarily a good thing.  Some how I just don't think that the women considering purchasing this will share the same sense of humor that I do.  

It could probably be marketed better by playing up the whole "Barbie Unich Look."  I'm pretty sure every girl growing up wanted to look like Barbie, and I think the smooth groove gets you one step closer to that A-sexual plastic feel they're all searching for. 

Incoherent British Anger at Anti-Muslim Protest

Frigen reporter, weren't you paying attention? What do you mean what Iraqi law?  The god damned Muslim law, they've got their law and obviously it's their law. I thought my man here was pretty clear.

He's just trying to stop Islamic Ray-Guns and 15 year olds being raped. Are you pro ray-guns and child rape? Didn't think so. At it's core this is really about London being British.

George Lopez Points Out That Kirstie Alley Looks Like a Dancing Pig, Everyone Flips Out

Fox News - TBS host George Lopez compared “Dancing With the Stars” contestant Kirstie Alley, praised for her cha cha cha on the show's premiere, to a pig on his TBS talk show Wednesday night. Lopez was belittling Alley's dancing on "Dancing With the Stars" on his show, "Lopez Tongiht." "She did a nice job, her little hooves tapping away. Before the show, she went to the market, and then she had roast beef and this is her going all the way home!" he said, before cutting to a squealing pig from a GEICO commercial...."Lopez's comments were not only demeaning to Alley, who has been incredibly brave and open with her journey toward health, but they were very detrimental to women and girls everywhere," said Yana Walton, Vice President of Communications for watchdog group the Women’s Media Center. "In a country where eating disorders are an epidemic, where advertising continually implies women are deeply deficient, where media places the majority of women's worth on their appearances, this is unacceptable."

Far be it for me to defend George Lopez, I've made it abundantly clear how I feel about him. He's plain old not funny, Mexicanity aside and everything.  But like I always say, when you're right, you're right.  Sure the joke itself wasn't funny, but it doesn't mean it wasn't on point.  

Kirstie Alley really does look like a dancing pig, not just talking about weight here, her face has a very swine-ish likeness.  It wasn't so much a joke as it was an observation.

Like if Dancing With The Stars was shot in grainy footage with some 1988 VHS video camera you could easily present an argument that Kirstie is the product of the first successful human-swine breading program.

So hate him because his jokes suck, hate him because he's loud and obnoxious, and insists upon himself. But don't hate him for pointing out the obvious.

PS: How much does that dancing dude hate his life? Went from Erin Andrews one season to Ms. Piggie the next, that sucks bro.

Kayaker Encounters Enormous Rare Shark

Spare me the bullshit about this shark normally not being threatening to humans.  Terms like "normally" aren't going to bring me comfort when this this Moby-Dick sized shark is just stalking me starboard side of my plastic Kayak I just picked up at Target. 

I've never once feared the ocean but this video gave me second thoughts.  Like I was pretty sure shark attacks and other oddities only came to surfers and people that had it coming, you know the ones, "hey you know what would be a blast, open water swimming with a hoard of sharks." You deserve it at this point.  But this dude is just minding his own business out for a leisurely kayak trip, maybe 15 feet from the dock and this shark decides he's going to come over and fuck this guys love of the ocean over for life. 

I have no idea what I'd do in that situation, but I can tell you for damn sure I'd be praying for my life that sharks aren't attracted to urine like they are blood. Because I'd be emptying my blatter down the side of my leg if I ever encountered a shark the size of a Ford pickup.  That thing could accidentally eat me whole like it was yawning or taking a drink of water from the ocean, and oops I just swallowed CW and his entire kayak by accident, my bad.  My bad? My bad isn't going to help me while I'm swimming around in a shark stomach with krill and chum.

Safe to say I'm going to be a bit nervous the next time I step foot in tropical waters, and I now have a keener understanding of black people's fear of the ocean.  There's just some things you don't want to mess around with.

We Can All Take A Deep Breath, Canadian Border Now More Secure Than Ever

Don't worry about Mexico, we'll just throw up a few more Hispanic Signs

SELFRIDGE AIR NATIONAL GUARD BASE – The U.S .Department of Homeland Security unveiled its newest high-tech tool today to fight terrorism and secure America’s northern border. The Operational Integration Center, referred to as OIC, allows security analysts to monitor a critical part of the Northern border 24/7 relying on cameras and radars along the St. Clair River separating Michigan from Canada. The $12 million OIC facility features a 30 foot video panel to watch various sections of the Northern border. Real time video feeds into the OIC’s situational awareness room from 11 towers equipped with high-tech cameras and radars built along 35 miles of the St. Clair River. The towers are the result of a $20 million investment in technology as part of the Department of Homeland Security’s Secure Border Initiative. U.S. Border Patrol’s Special Operations Supervisor, Gregory Lambert managed the 13-month surveillance tower project. He says the technology is already paying off. “Instead of having a camera and operator looking at a screen all day for eight hours, now we have a radar working with the cameras to tell that operator, ‘Hey. There’s something going on over here,” he says.

Well, thank God they shored that whole issue up. I was getting worried about all them Canadians running down here in the event of any maple syrup shortages. What a fricken relief.

Seriously, I'm just glad Homeland Security found a reasonable way to use their budget to shore up our borders.  Yea, our much smaller, much more dangerous border is like a screen door flapping in the wind right now, drug smugglers, murderers, Tijuana Donkey shows, and Hotel cleaning ladies just hopping the fence hourly.  But to focus on that would be to miss the main point here.  With the Canadian border secure Homeland can now get down to the important business without constantly worrying about those pesky Cannucks in the back of their minds....oh, what's that? They blew the remaining budget on this $12 million security camera system? Oh, well ok.  Guess we'll just tell the residents of Phoenix and other border towns to make sure they lock their doors at night and stay safe until next year.  They'll get to you guys eventually, don't worry.

Woman Bites Co-Workers Finger Off During Argument After Work...You'll Never Guess Where They Work

Sick Prison Tat Essey

NAPLES, Fla.-- An East Naples woman bit off the tip of another woman's ring finger during a fight over an alleged affair. Collier County Sheriff's deputies say 43-year-old Clodia Coicour was charged with aggravated battery after the Monday night incident outside the Walmart where both women work. The victim told deputies she was walking to her car after her shift ended when Coicour doused her with pepper spray. That's when the two women started fighting. Coicour told deputies she heard a rumor that the other woman was having an affair with her husband, who also works at Walmart. No phone number was listed for Coicour. The names of her husband and the victim were not released.

To me, the victim has no case at all here.  And it's not because I'm siding with the married woman who's man was getting a little on the side from his wife's slutty co-worker. No, it's because the minute you sign an employment contract with Walmart you're basically signing a sheet of paper acknowledging the fact that you're going to be working 8 hour shifts surrounded by deranged trailer trash.  Whether they're customers or co-workers, at any given moment some woman can attack you like a wild banshee, wielding pepper spray and razor sharp teeth for any perceived slight.

Doesn't matter that no one has confirmed the rumor that you've been skanking it up with Billy-Bob.  It may be patently false, that's not the issue here. Rabid attacks come with the territory and you knew that the moment you started working there. It's all in the paper work I'm sure.

Beer Bandit At it Again

Weird News - A man who spent 16 years in jail for robbing an Opelika convenience store at knifepoint is now charged with a similar crime in Foley.   Cops arrested 40-year-old Lebain Preston for allegedly stealing a 12-pack of beer and about $40 from a gas station.  His weapon of choice: a box cutter.   He did make it away with more than he did in 1992, when he stole only a 6-pack and about $30. 

Gotta give some level of credit to Lebain, he obviously learned some lesson from his time in the pen.  It might not quite be the lesson the correctional department was going for, but the point is he learned.   

If you're going to go through all the trouble of robbing a store at knife point, at least grab the pack of beer that can last you through the night.  Because I don't know how he got caught this time, but I can gaurantee he got caught last time when we went back to the store an hour and a half later to spend that $30 bucks of his on more beer because he ran out too early in the night. 

He didn't make that same mistake this time, plus he made out with an extra $10, pure profit. And to that, I tip my cap.

Stuttering Stanley The News Anchor Has Fit on Live Television.

See more funny videos and Entertainment at Todays Big Thing.

T-T-T-T-Today Junior!

Seriously guy, what the hell, give them the cut sign or something. Compose yourself.  I haven't seen a case of stuttering that bad since back in middle school when I used to look in on the "special" classes for a quick self esteem boost.

And huge frigen thanks to the camera man and producer here, huh?  Guy is going full retard on us on live television and his producer doesn't order them to cut away to a commercial or another segment? Just leaving the guy out there taking grenades. Some team they got up there in Canada.

San Diego Life Guards Rescue Naked Chick Atop Cliff...All in a Days Work.

Something tells me this guy would have been shit out of lock with the SD Life Guards

SAN DIEGO (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Lifeguards and fire crew Tuesday rescued a young woman who became stranded on a California cliffside without her clothes, Fox5 San Diego reported. A rescue team plucked the exposed 27-year-old from a ledge high above Black's Beach in the San Diego community of La Jolla. The woman claimed she was climbing down the cliffs -- which are some 500 feet (152 metres) high -- when she became stuck, but lifeguards have questioned her account, according to the San Diego Union-Tribune. "We're not entirely certain that she is telling the correct story. It was just sheer cliffs above her," said lifeguard Andy Lerum.

Damn, even rescue crews have it better in San Diego.  Boston rescue workers probably fill their days fishing bloated bodies out of the harbor, these guys out in SD rescue stranded co-eds stuck on cliffs, who just happen to be hanging out butt-naked.  

And who are these lifeguards to question the woman's story? Clearly after climbing down 500 feet of sheer cliff she was exhausted, overheated, and in need of help. I don't know about you but the first thing I do is strip down and wave my clothes as a rescue flag.  Cools you off and draws attention to your situation.  Of course I have to think these guys were a little quicker to help this chick out than they would be if CW was just tanning cliff-side in his birthday suit.  They'd probably wait till nightfall to help my ass out.