Jessica Simpson: Paid as Professional Fat Person

TMZ - Jessica Simpson is now getting paid for being fat -- the singer just announced ... she's the newest spokesperson for Weight Watchers. Jessica made the announcement moments ago on her Twitter, writing, "So excited to be a part of the @WeightWatchers family!' Jess don't come cheap neither -- the Weight Watchers deal is reportedly worth $4 MILLION. The singer reportedly gained 65-75 POUNDS during her recent pregnancy -- and Weight Watchers must be waiting for a big reveal ... because Jessica hasn't been photographed in public since she gave birth.

Fucking Jessica Simpson. Broad has the life, right? Made in the Shade. Years after her music and film careers ended she's still rolling in cash. Paid for being dumb on television, undoubtedly made millions for being the first person ever to be pregnant for 12 months straight, fat like you read about, but will always sort of be thought of as a sex symbol because of this video:

And now she's being paid for being fat. That's as rigged a life as you can get. Being a fucking land monster and having Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers shower you in cash in a bidding war for your oversized and cottage cheese-riddled ass as the face of their company. $4 Million Dollars, folks! That's $53K per pound that she gained during pregnancy. 

Blows my mind. On the one hand we've got New York banning sugary drinks over 16 oz., on the other we've got the entire country celebrating this sea cow for letting herself go. It makes zero sense. 

Foolish me over here going to the gym every day for the last few months to try and shed a year and a half worth of laziness from my gut, could have just walked down to Weight Watchers and used my new found girth to obtain personal wealth. 

I've been doing it all wrong all along.

Celtics Vs Heat Game Three Preview, Who's Paying the Refs?

Well that's just patently false, anyone who watches the NBA knows the Celts are winning this game tonight at the free throw stripe. It's gonna be 8 on 2 tonight.

Commish probably already sent a personally signed hand written letter to Bron-Bron and DWade apologizing in advance for tonight's officiating, telling them that Game 2 was a bit too obvious and now they had to swing bit back the other way to save face, and they might even have to play game 4 straight up too if Dwayne can't stop practicing his kung-fu moves in game.

If you're Doc Rivers you've got to know this going in and rest your Big Crickety Three as much as possible. You're going to be getting so much help that Stiemsma and Pietrus can probably wrap this thing up themselves tonight. 

Krispy Kreme's "Best Friends" Is What's Hot in the Streets

In all honesty, if something happened to Money Maker Mike I don't know what I'd have done with myself. Would have been like losing Nate Dogg all over again. 

Raw emotion. Maybe not lyrically as good as Krispy's biggest hit so far, but still, it was just so powerful. The production value has come a long way too.

If you're a high school or college grad and aren't hiring Krispy Kreme to MC your festivities you're just flat out not in the game.

And if you've got a best friend, make sure you've got each others backs...RIP Tupac Shakur.

Screw it, lets roll his greatest hit:

Michael Jordan's Son Tweeting Hookers and Porn Stars?

That's Michael Jordan's son, Marcus Jordan. He likes hookers, a lot, apparently, I mean he through out two $ signs instead of the customary one. He also likes designing douche-tastic shirts that only apply to himself.

He's also supposed to be a senior on the UCF basketball team this year...Just guessing the NCAA frowns upon this. 

Guess it's like they say, "If you ain't tweetin', you ain't tryin'."

Magic Johnson Still Can't Enunciate

Magic Johnson just straight slaying me with his grasp of the English language, specifically the past and present tenses. Magic's continued struggles with enunciation after all these years on TV is frankly, more shocking that the fact that he seems to have beaten the HIV.

"Especially at they age." 

"Sometime that they problem though"

"When they're embarrass they always come back, when they're challenge they always come back"

Sadly I can't find a clip of my all-time favorite Magic'ism: Magic saying "Lebron Jame." 

It ain't even past tense, he just can't add that "s" on there. 

Hey NBA, Look Away, It's Dwayne Wade Mauling Rajon Rondo

Not a foul though. Solid play on the ball, not a foul at all. How many games would Pietrus have been suspended for the same play if he did it to Lebron or Wade? 2? Absolute Fucking Bullshit.

Not to mention the fact that this was then followed by Dwayne Wade's sure to be infamous Crouching Tiger,  Hidden Dragon move on KG:

Just a brutal stretch of officiating. I will say that one might be a 50/50 call, but considering the ref's owed the Celts one big time for the Rondo non-call, I can't see how you get KG there. The man was just kung fu'd. And you know what pisses me off the most about all the referee shenanagins last night? The fact that that's what we'll remember the game for. 

We should be remembering 53 mins (that's every single minute, folks), 44 pts, 8 rebs, 10 assists, 3 steals, and a whole lot of heart. This should be remember as Rondo's ultimate HOF highlight reel game. Instead it's just going to be remembered as game two in a series the Heat will presumably roll in 5 now, and a game where the Celts were whistled for 33 fouls, to Miamis 18. An absolute joke and a damn shame. 

 

 

Metta World Peace, Wishing You A Happy Holidays

Yep...

To be fair,  I'm pretty sure 90% of the people in my Twitter and Facebook feeds had Memorial and Veterans day confused, Metta just took it one step further and tossed Labor Day into the mix. Honest mistake. 

Of course, instead of just lol'ing at the mistake, he followed it up with these two gems:

I didn't know Reading was a college subject.

Infinitely Jealous of this Six Year Old that Made the Scripps National Spelling Bee

McLEAN, Va. (AP) - The youngest person ever to qualify for the National Spelling Bee was running around in a stream with a friend, hunting for rocks. Suddenly, she came charging up the bank and headed straight for her mother. "Hold on to that basalt," Lori Anne Madison said in a bossy 6-year-old's voice, "and do not drop it." "Go away," her mother said playfully....She is blonde and adorable and talks at 100 mph. In the last few weeks, she has won major awards in both swimming and math, but one accomplishment above all has made her an overnight national celebrity: This week, the precocious girl from Lake Ridge, Va., will be onstage with youngsters more than twice her age and twice her size as one of 278 spellers who have qualified for the Scripps National Spelling Bee...Now there's another wrinkle: spelling bee fame. When Lori Anne spelled "vaquero" to win the regional bee in Prince William County in March, she set a new standard for youth in the national bee's 87-year-old history. 

I'm jealous of very few people in life, but this little 6 year old know-it-all is one of them. When I was younger all I wanted to do was make it to the Scripps National Spelling Bee...Yep, young CW dreamed big. 

Never happened though, I won my class, and grade a couple of times, but always fell short when it came to the full school bee. Just couldn't do it. Misspelled Artichoke once. Almost never forgave myself...Never forgave Artichokes, for that matter. Misspelled that word in the 5th grade, nearly 18 years later I've turned down, ate around, or flat out verbally assaulted every artichoke to come my way since. Never tasted one. That's how badly I wanted to make it to Scripps. 

 So congrats Lori Anne Madison, you're a better person than I am, and make sure you study the spelling of various foods that no one your age would have ever tried before too, because that's how they'll get you. They're not going to be asking you about basalt, or pneumonia or anything easy like that. If I had to guess they're going C-A-U-L-I-F-L-O-W-E-R. Cauliflower. Memorize it. 

Bieber Wanted for Assault, Seen Training with Mike Tyson, WTF?

TMZ - In an odd bit of foreshadowing, Justin Bieber hung out with Mike Tyson and got some boxing tips from the legendary fighter just days before his alleged run-in with a paparazzo. Check out the Biebs working the heavy bag with Tyson. They posed for a pic with another guy, which Tyson tweeted with the caption, "Me, @johnny and @justinbieber before we started training JB" As TMZ first reported, Bieber is now a suspect in a criminal battery after Bieber allegedly got into it with a photog in Calabasas. Cops were called to the scene -- Bieber and GF Selena Gomez had already split -- and the photog was transported to a nearby hospital and later released.

Fucking Biebs. Guy probably thinks he's tough now. Probably rolling all over Sunset and down Venice beach in some swagged up Afflicted shirts...Newsflash, that dude let you win. You just gave him the biggest pay day he'll ever get. 

Plus, you're the biebs. A stiff gust of wind could put you and your swag on your ass. Not to mention the fact that you're Canadian. 

PS: Good to see Biebs' handlers are steering him in the right direction. Mike Tyson is a great youth mentor.  

UPDATE: This pic from the Scene...Pretty sure that's exactly what Tyson wore in his fight with Bowe, except with two shoes, obviously.