Colorado Easter Egg Hunt Cancelled Due to Aggressive Parents

COLORADO SPRINGS – The children of one Colorado town will miss out on their annual Easter Egg hunt in a local park this year after the event was cancelled due to parents getting "too aggressive" at last year's event. "It's sort of got out of hand," said Dave Van Ness, executive director for the Old Colorado City Associates. Hundreds of parents reportedly jumped over ropes into a kids-only section of the hunt to ensure their kids got as many eggs as possible. Their actions caused the hunt to be over in seconds, to the dismay of egg-less children and their parents.

First off, lets just pump the breaks on call this even a "hunt." A hunt implies tracking and searching, those eggs were just laid out in the middle of the lawn, if your kids aren't able to track down a few fluorescent and pastel colored eggs in the middle of a taped off lawn, then you've probably got bigger things to worry about.

Secondly, quitting is not the answer here. The answer is adult aged easter egg hunts, Hunger Games Style.

Look, this issue isn't going to go away. As more and more people from my generation have kids, its only going to get worse. We're the first batch of children raised by "helicopter parents." We're hardwired to believe we're entitled to anything we want. It's encoded in our DNA, just like the lion knows to tackle the gazelle, you toss out some easter eggs onto a lawn, Generation Y adults are going to race to gather them. It's genetics.

There's no fighting it. I'm the oldest of three children, meaning Easter egg hunts went on long after the idea of some minimum wage worker in a gigantic bunny costume breaking into my house at night and hiding plastic eggs full of nickels and quarters without robbing us was believable. Did that mean I let my younger siblings win? Hell no. I raced around the house like a mad man...I pushed them out of the way when I had to, sometimes my parents restrained me, which infuriated me to no end. Bottom line, you tell me there's an egg hidden in the house, I'm going to be the one to find it, god help whoever gets in my way. 

Which brings me back to my proposal...Why not just start having adult Easter egg hunts on town lawns and playgrounds? Just a once a year break for us adults trying to move on to regular adulthood, but who also need an escape once a year. Just lock us into some school yard, hide a ton of eggs, no ground rules, gates open at sundown, whoever survives, survives (and I don't doubt for a second that there would be some casualties).

Most Racially Spot On Children's Toys, Ever?

Wow...Talk about hitting the nail on the head. You've got Grandma and Grandpa wearing perfect replicas of that old white person style, a little bit of leisure, comfort, and sensibility all rolled into a singular outfit.  I have no idea where you'd even go to put together your typical grandparent outfit, I'm guessing its something the AARP notifies you of once you hit a certain age.

Mom and Dad just doing their thing in their slightly authority-like clothes (though mom should probably be in mom jeans, kind of an oversight).

And the children, stereo-typical white kid prepsters. The overachieving daughter with her form fitting sweater and her headband that gives her a slight air of "stuckuppedness," the son who dresses like Seth Cohen due to way to many hours of prime time TV watching in which every teenager is dressed like they're in the middle of a Sears Catalog fashion shoot, and the two babies, apparently wearing bed time gear...Because even when playing make believe, you just want your kids to shut up and go to bed I guess.

And it doesn't just end with "White Family," either. Block Play People are nothing if not in favor of the old Separate but Equal laws of the old south...Just look:

My only puzzlement is the native American Family...Because if my white guilt laden middle school social studies classes taught me anything its that Native Americans don't exist anymore.

Best Basketball Flop You'll See Today

"DOWN GOES IGOR"

How long until Chris Paul incorporates this flop into his game? Guy is probably at home studying the tape right now...Lob City? More like FLOP City. (Heyyoooo)

What Did Randy Jackson Wear?

 

I mean, I'm not happy about this ensemble, that's for sure. It's sucking the life right out of the blog. Yea it follows this years theme of "Plural Tones," but its more like "subtle plurality." 

I didn't think it was possible for a multi-colored tie to be so dull, it flat out sucks. 

The pink watch is hot, though. And it helps settle an internal debate I've been have for a few weeks about whether or not middle age, slightly overweight, very much out of touch, black men can accessorize in pink..."DAWG, YOU JUST KILLED THAT."

Tebow, Saints, and Patriots Free Agents: A Crazy Day of Football

Has the dust settled? Is it safe to comment on this stuff or are we still in a fluid process? I left my office for lunch yesterday, popped open twitter and discovered that ALL HELL HAD BROKEN LOOSE.

1. My Prayer Was Answered - Now I just have to figure out if it was Tebow or God that answered...I kid, relax Catholics.  In all seriousness though, I'm soooo excited for this. As a Pats fan, it titillates me, Sanchez looking over his shoulder every third and short, hearing the TEEBBBOOOOWWWWW every single time the Jets punt, and being only the second best looking QB in New York.  

I can't wait for the first time some wise ass reporter asks Tebow about the Bible's stance on husbands filming their wives feet getting fucked, Antonio Cromartie and Tebow debating the virtues between pulling out and abstinence, Plax getting Tebow confused with the jail house Pastor from his 2 year stretch in Sing-Sing, or the first time Sanchez shows up to the post game party with some barely legal girl looking to get stuffed. It's going to be hilarious. If you subscribe to HBO and you aren't writing to them threatening to cancel if they don't run another season with the Jets for Hard Knocks then you've just given up on your Patriotic duty. 

2. The Saints, and More Specifically, Sean Payton, Just got Reamed - Jesus H. What the hell was that? Look, I get that something had to be done. Everyone assumed a couple of draft picks, some fines, and maybe some short suspensions for the coach...but a one year ban for the head coach? That doesn't strike anyone as outlandish?

All I heard yesterday was holier than thou talking heads spouting off about how it was deserved and good for the league for taking this stance...Are these guys watching the same sport I am? The same sport that celebrates huge hits? The same sport that labels finesse and speed teams as "soft," and praises physical, aggressive teams by saying laudatory things like "they'll punch you in the mouth," and meaning it in a good way?

And before anyone accuses me of being out of touch with reality, I get it. I get that you cant go around paying players for causing injuries. As a fan I never root for a player to be seriously maimed (except when the Pats are losing and I think it'll help, of course), so its not like I'm sitting here trying to defend the Saints, not at all. 

It's just, do you really think no one else was doing this? I mean a years suspension for the head coach? When in all likelihood there were at least a handful of teams doing this, if not necessarily this past year, then in the last decade? Is this not just like when the Pats got busted for "Spygate" and various coaches and players from past teams came out said, "So What,  we used to do this too?" Obviously no one is going to come out now and rat out their teammates and coaches after seeing these outrageous penalties come down, but I'd gaurantee there were players and coaches around the league yesterday who privately were scambling to cover any tracks they may have left regarding their own bounty programs. 

3. Patriot's Free Agents Getting Gobbled Up Left and Right - Which I'll assume will lead to the Boston sports radio programs being intolerable to listen to today as always. I'll say this, the team will probably miss BJGE and Mark Anderson, but I get them not paying for them, that was probably the right move. 

If I had to pick one to bitch about losing just a little bit, it'd be Mark Anderson. The guy was a standout last year. And yes, this is what you expect to happen when you sign a low risk, high reward player to a one year contract, if you get that high reward, they're going to expect to be paid for it after the fact, I'm sure the Pats knew the rules of the game. It's just, This Guy Was a Standout Last Year! Can he replicate it? We'll see, but I'd guess yes. He's not quite an every down player, but on obvious passing downs he was a helluva weapon last year, and a weapon the team is now going to need to replace (along with the 4 year running annual search for some competent defensive backs). I just think if you have a simple in-house solution, you take it. That's all. Doesn't help that you'll also now face him twice a year on the Bills, who also signed Mario Williams this year...

As for BGJE, good for him. Undrafted free agent who worked his way into a starting job and a nice free agent contract. Always worked hard, I never heard a peep about him, never fumbled. Do I think the Pats can replace him? Absolutely. Do I think EEI, the Globe, The Herald, and the Sportshub will have a field day the first time a Patriots running back fumbles next year? You betcha.

What Did Randy Jackson Wear

Honestly, I can't hate on this. I'm not black, so I could never really pull it off myself, but that wouldn't necessarily stop me from mistakenly buying this ensemble under the delusion that it might look good on me. It wouldn't happen now, while I'm all pale and gross from the winter, but lets say mid-summer. I'd have a nice tan by then, and I'd probably think, "hey, I'm dark, I can get away with this."

And then it would sit in the far back corner of my closet forever. 

If you missed any of Randy's previous "Plural Tone" offerings this year, you can find them here, and here.

Who Sleeps At An Amusement Park?

What a freaking baby. Sack up kid, damn. Maybe you do need your ass pushed around in that kiddie stroller instead of walking around like a typical 8 or 9 year older. You don't come crying for your mom's bosom, the way I see it you have two options here:

1. Shock and disbelief followed by laughing it off...Like, "Hahaha, very funny, good one mom and dad," all the while thinking "I'll remember this when it comes time to put you in a home."

2. Throw a shit-fit temper tantrum - A little kid classic, yes there's crying involved, but its not "mom I have a wet diaper," crying, its "I hate you and you're lucky I'm not calling DSS," crying, coupled with primal groans and gutteral screams, which we all know represent curse words in little kid language.  Hell, drop a fuck bomb if you're really that upset. That'll really get 'em, leave your parents thinking that this one traumatic moment snapped their precious little kid into a hellion, with a future life of hookers and drugs, swearing and crime. They'll pamper your ass the rest of the day. 

 

The Situation Checks into Rehab...Yawn.

TMZ - "The Situation" is in rehab for substance abuse ... TMZ has learned. Sources tell TMZ the "Jersey Shore" star -- aka Mike Sorrentino -- has checked into an inpatient treatment program. A rep for the Situation just contacted TMZ to say they are not confirming that Mike is in rehab ... just that he "has spent the past several weeks at an undisclosed location for much needed rest and recuperation after his extensive production and appearance schedule."

File this under least shocking news ever...The guy is nearly 30 and spends his nights in "da club" from 12-4 AM...Of course he's using performance enhancing drugs...Have you seen the Jersey Shore? These guys go out, come back cook a full on meal, and go to bed, basically when I'm waking up every day...Those aren't normal hours, obviously something is up. And frankly, I don't think I want to watch if performance enhancers (cocaine, I assume) are taken out of the equation. It would be like if Major League Baseball ever took getting rid of HGH and steroids seriously. The game would be boring as shit, no more homeruns, 3-2 games all over the place. Who would watch?

The same thing with the Jersey Shore...You know what the Jersey Shore is without performance enhancers? A bunch of skinny (no more steroids) overly tan guidos sitting on couches because they're tired.  Think about it, for those of you who work full time, how many times in the last year have you raged on a Friday night? A handful? Most times you grab some dinner, maybe a drink or two, and then flop on the couch, right? Is that primetime TV? Hell no. 

MLB needs steroids and the Sitch needs whatever it is he's been taking (probably cocaine). I know it's not healthy, I know it's a serious problem, but he's basically being paid $5 Million a year to put up with it, its a pretty fair trade off.

 

Missippi State Students Chant "Where's Your Green Card" To US Citizen.

HATTIESBURG, Miss. – Southern Mississippi has revoked the scholarships of five members of its pep band who took part in the heckling of a Kansas State basketball player at last Thursday's NCAA men's basketball tournament game. Southern Miss issued an apology last week to Kansas State point guard Angel Rodriguez after he was the target of chants of "Where's your green card?" during the Wildcats' 70-64 second-round victory in the NCAA tournament. Rodriguez had 13 points and four assists in the game that was played in Pittsburgh...Rodriguez said last week that he accepted the apology because "there's ignorant people and I know that's not how they want to represent their university." Rodriguez said he doesn't pay attention to that "nonsense, especially because Puerto Rico is a commonwealth, so we don't need no type of papers."

First off, in this time of economic crisis, I honestly didn't think we were still giving out scholarships to hobbyists who play the tuba or whatever instrument these guys play...Just seems like if you're going to cut somewhere, this seems like a place to start...Not like Tuba and Drum Majors are generating money for the school or going on to wildly successful Tuba careers and donating large sums of their income back to the school. 

But secondly, if you are going to give scholarships to local Tuba players, maybe make sure they can pass a basic social studies exam from the 4th grade...I've long just assumed that kids in the deep south of Mississippi were practicing coloring in the lines while me and my fellow educated, northern 12 year olds were learning about the Louisiana Purchase and Cloud formations, but this just confirms it. This is straight up embarrassing.  I honestly don't know how, as an administrator at this school, you can allow these kids to stay without at least testing them on some basic US knowledge at this point...Like, give them the actual citizenship exam...hell it should probably be mandatory at Southern colleges anyway, just to make sure they know that the school lessons they learned as little kids in elementary school aren't in fact the truth, you know, like how they lost the war, and woman can vote, and Dred Scott was reversed. 

Good lookin Deep South.

PS: Angel, Puerto Ricans may not "need no type of papers" but you could definitely stand to double down on a couple English 101, 102 courses.