Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and Happy Chanukah Too

There's not many Christmas songs that CW endorses, but Conan's "Minty Fell on the Ground" is one of the select few. It's got everything you need, a holiday symbol, a few wise cracks, a reference to excrement, and the word Christmas, that's it, that's the formula for Christmas Carol success...It's so damn catchy I may have to revise my recent blog about things I'm compelled to yell or sing when they pop in my head, because I've been belting out this number for the past 24 hours, with no end in sight...should be an interesting day at work.

I've also begun re-thinking Seany-Mo's definitive blog in which it was decided that Thanksgiving narrowly beats out Christmas in the Battle of the Holiday Heavyweights. I'm not saying I'm quite ready to overturn his decision, I'm just saying these last few days have made me realize its probably not as clear cut as previously thought. Note for my Yiddish followers, though your Holiday may not be in the running of the Battle of the Holiday Heavyweights, I promise there's a section just for you at the end of this blog...But please read the whole blog.

When it comes down to the actual day of the Holiday, I personally think Thanksgiving takes it in a landslide, you have 3 main objectives, eat, watch football, and finding a relaxed, comfortable position on the couch for maximum digestion. The actual day of Christmas is a bit more hectic than that, there's kids with new toys, wrapping paper everywhere, that random fruitcake or odd desert that no one really wants to eat but you feel compelled to take a bite, lest anyone feel bad on Christmas, only then you end up feeling like a hypochondriac the rest of the day wondering if your stomach is rumbling because of that half bite of fruitcake you had, or the 3.5 pounds of turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, and cheese cake. There's just a lot going on Christmas day, and frankly it's too much for me.

But here's where it gets interesting, in weighing Christmas, I really think you have consider the lead up to the day, almost as much as the day. And Christmas smokes Turkey Day in that regard. Sure the week leading up to Thanksgiving I'm mildly excited about the eating and drinking and football, but that's nothing compared to Christmas. For like 3 straight weeks I'm actively thinking, excitedly, about A) What I'm getting for Christmas, and B) What I'm giving for Christmas (here's a hint, gift cards), but mainly A.

There's nothing like chilling on the couch a few feet away from your tree with a couple of wrapped presents underneath it for building anticipation, or knowing that gifts specifically earmarked for you are probably in the closet right next to your bed while you're trying to go to sleep. It keeps me up nightly. I turn into a quasi Brad Pitt in the critically acclaimed SE7EN, only in a good, " I wonder what Santa brought me this year!" kind of way, not in a, is my dead wife's going to pop out of there like a jack-in-the-box kind of way.

Call me crazy, but I just think you have to count that level of anticipation into the overall ranking of the holiday. I've been giddy like a kid all week just waiting for this weekend to get here, I mean, I took the day off this past Monday and this has still easily been the lonnnngeestt week I think I've ever worked. I spent the better part of Wednesday afternoon, assuming it was Friday, so you can imagine how Thursday felt, and I how I'm bordering on a manic breakdown as I prepare for work right now (I'm sitting in my bathrobe debating whether I could skate through today by logging on from home and pretending to do work but really watching a marathon of Home Alone, HA2, Christmas Vacation, and Bad Santa)...and that's the other thing about the lead up to Christmas, the movies. Thanksgiving's got shit for movies unless you count that depressing as hell Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving special, which I don't. And the thing about Christmas movies is they have something for everyone's genre, no matter what your taste in movies. You want an action movie complete with dead European hostage takers? Bam, Lethal Weapon. You want a boring as hell black and white movie that only your grandparents can relate to? It's a Wonderful Life. Want to remember the simpler days as a kid when all you wanted was the coolest toy so you could fit in with all the other kids? Christmas Story. A kid or delusional adult who still likes cartoons? Disney's got ya covered. Have a weird affinity for seeing Will Ferrel run around in bright yellow tights with his bulge exposed for an hour and a half? Merry Christmas, here's your own personal copy of Elf. We've even got movies for those of you who are somehow depressed this time of the year, hope you enjoy A Christmas Carol(scroll like midway down). There's something for everyone (except Jews and Kwanzans), and that's something to be considered.

All that said, I'm not quite ready to dethrone Thanksgiving, but this new line of thought has probably made the contest closer than ever in my mind, but there is still just something to be said for a Holiday where it is socially acceptable, if not outright encouraged, for you to unbutton your pants and sit in the company of your siblings, parents, grandparents, and even aunts and uncles, in front of the warm glow of a plasma TV, with all of your pants opened. It's Magic.

Now, as promised for loyal Jewish following (do I have a Jewish following? It would really help to know my demographic, go a head and toss me an interesting at the end of this if you're Jewish, that way I'll know to cater to you in the future), I give you, Conan O'Briens "Human Centipede Menorah"

A couple of observations here, 1) There must have been all out, royal rumble style, fist fights backstage to decide who got to be the head in this ridiculous costume...I wouldn't be surprised if a one or two people gave their life trying to win the right to be the lead. And 2) One thing I've always been confused about, Chanukah (I prefer the "Ch" spelling, it seems more traditional, though this is coming from a devoutly non-Jewish person) is eight days long, yet there are nine candles on the Menorah. What gives? If ya'll were worried about the oil lasting eight days, maybe just blow out the huge overshadowing candle in the middle? I've just always found that strange, and I'm sure I'm not the first to ask, probably every wise-ass 2nd grader in Hebrew school has asked that throughout time, but that's the thing about me, I have the same inquisitive, smart-alecky mind of a Yiddish 8 year old. So along with throwing me an "interesting" after this blog, if you could leave a message detailing the reasoning behind the 9th light which overshadows all other lights, that would be fantastic.

Thanks to everyone who read this post in it's entirety, I wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, and whatever else you're celebrating...for the rest of you who just skimmed, for shame.

Just kidding, thanks for everyones support, see ya'll Tuesday.

Happy Festivus, You're Gonna See the Pole

"I find tinsel...distracting"

Happy Festivus everyone! I hope everyone has a fulfilling day, carrying out the feats of strength and the airing of grievances. 

$1 Million Cocaine Bust at Hotel in Peabody...How Come Drug Dealers Don't Stay At Nice Hotels?

Stock Photo for Cocaine, Hilariously Simple

PEABODY (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Three men from out of state were arrested in Peabody on Wednesday for allegedly carrying an estimated $1.1 million worth of cocaine. Peabody Police tell FOX 25 they arrested 38-year-old Jason Grilli, of Laval, Puerto Rico, Valentine Torres, 33, of Juarez, New Mexico, and 27-year-old Gerardo Rodriguez Florez, of Tuscon, Arizona on Wednesday afternoon at the Holiday Inn.

You know what I never understand about these stories? Why the criminals always stay in such mediocre, to sometimes downright shitty, hotels? It doesn't make sense. Every time you hear one of these stories about some unfathomable amount of cocaine or pot being found, with street values in the millions, the drug dealers are always, without question busted in some kind of accommodation that in no way is fitting of such a large scale drug operation.  Like, hey guys, we've got a Park Plaza hotel, right down town. I mean, odds are you're going to be killed or arrested, might as well splurge while you can, right?

Plus, aren't you basically asking for it, staying in these kinds of places? I mean 3-4 Federali's check into some out of the way or run down hotel/motel with way more baggage than they'll need kind of brings to mind the stereotype, you know? Like, I doubt anyone would bat an eye at you guys if you threw on some stunner shades and a designer shirt and checked into the Plaza, or the Omni Parker House, probably think you're some kind of crossover Country-Mexican musical act, breaking through in the States, not a rag-tag bunch of hoodlums peddling copious amounts of cocaine.  I don't know, just a thought, keep it in mind anyway next time you come through.

PS: It really bothers me how we continue to use the metric system for drugs. It just doesn't make sense. We defy all other countries in the world with our American system when it comes to everything but illegal narcotics, catering to drug lords and strongmen because they don't want to do the conversions themselves. Like for once I'd like to read one of these stories and understand just how much drugs we're talking about...11 Kilos? What is that? Like 10 pounds? Help me out.

Occupy Boston Dropping Law Suit Due to Time and Effort Required...There's a Shock

BOSTON (FOX25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Residents of the Occupy Boston encampment have dropped their lawsuit against the city. They say slow-moving litigation wasn't the best way to meet their goals. Earlier this month Occupy Boston sued the city to stop it from dismantling their camp in Dewey Square.

Shock of the year, huh? Who'd have thunk these guys would abandon their grand plans at the FIRST road block that required some actual commitment to doing work? Just blows my mind, I really thought these guys had it in them.

But I guess the warning signs were there, it is the same group of people who were protesting things like, the amount of time it takes to pay down college debt, and the fact that their entry level jobs hadn't given them a pay raise and promotion to the level of CEO after a couple of years. Actually, the more that I think about it, the more I guess this makes total sense.

Of course the other factor could be that after camping out in a tent on a public street for over a month, a couple weeks of indoor heating and showers that aren't shared by the local homeless have softened their stance. I'm guessing a fair amount of them forgot what they were arguing for after experiencing luxury's like Microwaves, hot showers, and television for the first time in a month. Living in their parent's basements probably never seemed so awesome, and all it took was pretending they were homeless for a month to appreciate it.

So long Occupy Boston, and thanks for the blog material, it had been a great couple of months.

Westborough Neighbors Complain About Tacky Christmas Display

WESTBOROUGH (FOX 25/ MyFoxBoston.com) - A Westborough couple is receiving anonymous backlash for having such a large display of Christmas lights. Earlier this week, they found an anonymous letter on their door condemning the lights display. “Do you have any idea how ridiculous, ornate, and tacky all your outside decorations are??” the letter reads. The letter continues by claiming that in this economy the display is a slap in the face to those without jobs or financial stability. It also contains a threatening conclusion, "Please remove a significant amount of decorations, enough to be tasteful and respectful as our other neighbors are. Please do not force us to remove them for you."

First off, there's nothing particularly tacky about that display, I mean, they used white lights, the new standard for the new millenium, couple of trees decorated, a few reindeer, and most importantly of all, only one inflatable light up character. I say most importantly of all, as that's where you should start to draw the line on tacky, if the dispaly is overly weight towards inflatable characters and Santa's that look like lawn gnomes then you've hit tacky, but as far as I'm concerned that's not the case here.

The bigger issue on hand though, is it cool for neighbors to leave notes and be pissed off, if the display is actually tacky, has had me up all night pondering my stance. I've legit lost sleep over it.  On the one hand, I love the houses that go overboard, just load up every piece of junk they've found at the Christmas Tree shop for the last decade and anchor it to the lawn, the front porch, the windows, etc... Sure your house ends up with  glowing haze similar to a Las Vegas, rent by the hour brothel motel, but I really see nothing wrong with being a bit tacky during the Christmas season.  

A Christmas Carol: The Holocaust Meets the Holidays

The last thing I want is a boring Christmas like our forefathers used to put up with...Have you ever seen "A Christmas Carol?" That Christmas was a travashammockery, just dull as shit. People walking around in Top Hats, Tiny Tim walking around with one leg because his peg leg did double duty as the fourth leg of the dinner table, people eating chestnuts, Scrooge sitting infront of some awful soot producing coal furnace making general ledger entries with paper and pencil. Awful. If I were Tiny Tim and the life I had to look forward to looked like that, I'd have off'd myself. Hell, I'd have off'd myself if I were Scrooge, rich as hell or not. No one likes you, again, you have to eat Chestnuts, because that was the thing back then, and you're making accounting entries by hand on Christmas Eve. No Fucking Thanks. Give me tacky, light hearted, 2 fully functional legs and a bowl full of Walnuts any Christmas over that depressing stuff. I'd rather watch Schindlers List on Christmas Eve than ever see A Christmas Carol again.

Right down the street from yours truly.

Now, with all that said, I have to believe that given my nature, if I lived next to an overly tacky display, I'd 100% hate my neighbors guts. Yes, I'd think its cool on Nov 26th, right after they put it up, probably through the first weekend, and yes on the actual day of Christmas, I'd probably appreciate it. But all that time in between? Hate it. Try sleeping off a holiday party hangover with your neighbors glowing lights coming through your window, making you think you're Kramer living next to a Kenny Rogers Roasters. 30 or so days of that is enough to make someone snap...Actually, I'd probably make it through the holidays, I'm not saying I wouldn't be festering some serious anger, I would, but in the spirit of being neighborly and not trying to make things too awkward, I think I could hold it together through Dec 25. But that's it, no more after that. Like, the day after Christmas, if I don't see you making progress in toning down the display, I'd make progress for you. 

So where do I stand? Well, approximately the same place I stood last night at 12 AM when I was trying to go to bed. I like the tacky displays as long as you're not my neighbor, but for this specific case, I think the note writers were way out of line, as there's nothing particularly hokey or Ned Flanders-esqe going on in that yard.

Joe Schmo to Lambo Guy Must Hate His Life

The Thrill Of Victory. The Agony of Defeat. Rarely does one person get to experience such highs and lows within mere hours of each other, but when it happens, the comedown is often all the more painful. Just ask Santaquin, Utah resident David Dopp. The Frito-Lay truck driver won a green Lamborghini Murciélago LP640 Roadster, grand prize in the "Joe Schmo To Lambo" contest operated by Maverik gas stations and teamgive.org last month. Dopp, father of six, was finally presented the car on Saturday afternoon, after which he set about driving it around the neighborhood, giving rides to friends. His elation wouldn't last. Less than six hours after taking delivery of the Lamborghini, Dopp lost control of the 640-horsepower Italian, hopped a curb and spun it into an embankment 75 feet from the road. A witness, Miles Davis (yes, really), said that skid marks were evident on the road and that the car ended up facing the wrong direction. Neither Dopp nor his friend in the passenger seat were injured. Police say the accident was likely "speed-related," although Dopp reportedly says he was only doing 40-50 mph when he lost control of the car on a section of road with a 35-mph speed limit. Dopp maintains he might have hit some black ice or gravel.

The worst. What a disgrace. You didn't even open that thing up, crashed doing 40-50? Guy, a 1988 Toyota Corolla can handle corner going 40-50 mph, what the fuck happened? 

Here's the million dollar question though, does this guy sell the car, or keep it and continue out his average to below average existence (no offense David)? Doesn't sound like the damage should be too bad, just a fender-bender type thing so this should fetch a pretty penny. A quick search shows these things, brand new, and without an accident from some moron driver, fetching about $230k. That's a lot of bags of chips for a Frito Lay driver.

I always find myself debating this when I go to play the McDonald's Monopoly game or those car giveaways that I keep signing my parents up for in the mall, and I always hypothetically say you have to sell it. 

I mean you can't live in some small ranch house in Suburban Utah (actually, can you have a suburb if your whole state looks like a suburb? Like wouldn't Utah as a whole be a suburb of, like Vegas or something? I'm off subject), I'd say sell it and move to one of the real states now that you can afford to.

Elf on a Shelf: The Creepiest New Christmas Tradition I've Ever Heard Of

So Boston.Com ran this story the other day asking readers where they kept their "Elf on a Shelf," and then I started hearing other adults who've already procreated talking about where they're hiding theirs, and I was just sitting there clueless. Like, what the hell people, did I miss out on something vitally important to my childhood? What is this Elf on a Shelf?

Turns out it is the CREEPIEST new Christmas tradition you can possibly think of. Basically parents just playing mental guerilla warfare against their children. Apparently the parents make up some wild story about skeevy looking pixie/elf about how he watches the children from a different vantage point every day, and once the children find him, he disappears for the day, only to reappear the next morning in a special new place. 

NO THANK YOU. Even as an adult, do you know what would happen if someone hung an elf from my ceiling like that picture above? I'd freak the fuck out, probably grab a bat and beat that thing off the ceiling, because here's the thing you're not considering, in the middle of the night if I wake up for water or to take a piss, I'm going to see the shadow of that thing on the wall, and all hell's going to break loose. Nothing is worse than my imagination when I wake up in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning, I swear to god the other night I convinced myself for a solid minute that The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo book on one of our night-tables was a person looking at me. Not even kidding. I would look, close my eyes hoping it went away, and open again, and it was still there. Finally I had to just cover my head for the rest of the night until morning broke and I could make out what it actually was. 

So imagine some elf hanging down James Bond style from my ceiling projecting a huge shadow of a person on one of my walls. Shit would go down. Are kids not pissing themselves when they see this thing at first? Like I've seen pictures of them hidden in fridges, are you kidding me? I open that fridge and I see some goblin guarding the OJ and I'm going to have a heart attack. Probably slam the fridge door shut and keel over right then and there.

Side note, you know what this actually reminds me of? Black Peter. Who is Black Peter? To quote:

Before elves and eight tiny reindeer, St. Nicholas had a much more menacing assistant. Named Black Peter, this companion was the physical opposite of St. Nicholas. Tall and gaunt with a dark beard and hair, Black Peter was associated with the punitive side of Christmas. Traditionally St. Nicholas would hand out presents to good children, while it fell to Black Peter to dole out coal (and sometimes knocks on the head) to children who misbehaved.

Basically Santa's midget slave/enforcer doling out punishment for all the kids on the naughty list, and, I like to think he was the basis for one of my favorite characters in a Christmas movie, ever, Marcus the Elf from Bad Santa:

Jesus Vs. Santa: Battle Rap Showdown for all the Christmas Glory.

"And in the left corner, representing consumers everywhere, wearing Red&White: JOLLY OLD Saint Nick!"

"And in the right corner, representing the gentiles and Abraham, wearing a tunich, Jesus "The Redeemer" Christ"

Lets Go to the Tale of the Tape:

Santa:

Nicknames: Santa Claus, Saint Nicholas, Chris Cringle, Jolly Old Saint Nick.

Posse: Midgets in costumes who build toys and work at the mall part time during the holidays, pack of flying reindeer led by one with a very special genetic defect, and Mrs. Claus

Claim to Fame: Ability to deliver toys to every boy and girl around the world in a single night, noted fan of cookies and milk, somehow squeezes his large ass down chimneys all night long.

Beloved By: Greedy Kids and Simon Mall Owners

Hated By: Big Dradle Manufacturers

Jesus:

Nicknames: JC, Christ The Redeemer, The Son of God, The Chosen One, Lamb of God, Our Lord and Savior.

Posse: The 12 Apostles and a couple of Mary's, Tim Tebow, and God.

Claim to Fame: Walks on water, cured the blind, turned water into wine without fermentation process, rose from the dead.

Beloved By: Practicing Christians everywhere (people 50 years old and up).

Hated By: King Herod,  Pontius Pilate.

The Edge:

Actually, Jesus. I mean, he's got God as his cut-man. Sure Santa has a flare for the dramatics, and he's definitely the more fun guy to be around out of the two, haphazardly tossing gifts out of his magical bag once you get a few milks in him every night, but, again, it's Jesus. I mean he rose from the dead, people, how are you possibly going to knock him out? He's like the original Zombie.

Teacher Throws McDonalds Food Back Through Window With Video

LAKELAND, Florida -- The Polk County Sheriff's Office has arrested a Lakeland teacher for battery after she allegedly threw food at a McDonald's employee. According to investigators, 39-year-old Simone Paolercio was in the drive-thru of a McDonald's on South Florida Avenue Saturday morning when she got into a dispute with the window attendant over her order. They say Paolercio demanded a refund. When the manager refused, she allegedly threw the food through the window, striking the attendant in the face and chest.

The lesson as always...Do not fuck with people's McDonald's. Just don't do it. It never works out in a good way. People are irrationally crazy about their McD's. I can't explain it, science can't explain it, it's just the way it is.

And let me ask this power hungry, McDonald's drive thru manager a question...Was it worth it? Saving the $2.50 her food cost to get covered in soda and cheeseburgers, did you really think that was the right idea? Just fix her fucking order, because here's the thing, the person who took her order over the headset, I guarantee didn't speak English as their first language. Guaranteed. So they fucked it up, like they do roughly 20% of the time, because of the language barrier. Now, we all accept that this is going to happen from time to time. It's part of the deal with going to a fast food drive thru, the quality of food and service sucks, we know that. But we expect any mistakes that we point out to be corrected, and it's really not that difficult, just give me one of the 15 other pre-made burgers you've got just sitting there and I'll be on my way. Don't hassle me for the receipt, don't go over what Juan Pablo Sanchez thought I ordered, just take my word for it and replace my items, that's  all we're looking for.  That's your job as a white shirted employee at McDonald's, fix the mistakes of the non-white shirted employees. If you can't handle that, find another job, or accept that every once in a while, you're going to have a McFlury thrown in your face.