So Boston.Com ran this story the other day asking readers where they kept their "Elf on a Shelf," and then I started hearing other adults who've already procreated talking about where they're hiding theirs, and I was just sitting there clueless. Like, what the hell people, did I miss out on something vitally important to my childhood? What is this Elf on a Shelf?
Turns out it is the CREEPIEST new Christmas tradition you can possibly think of. Basically parents just playing mental guerilla warfare against their children. Apparently the parents make up some wild story about skeevy looking pixie/elf about how he watches the children from a different vantage point every day, and once the children find him, he disappears for the day, only to reappear the next morning in a special new place.
NO THANK YOU. Even as an adult, do you know what would happen if someone hung an elf from my ceiling like that picture above? I'd freak the fuck out, probably grab a bat and beat that thing off the ceiling, because here's the thing you're not considering, in the middle of the night if I wake up for water or to take a piss, I'm going to see the shadow of that thing on the wall, and all hell's going to break loose. Nothing is worse than my imagination when I wake up in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning, I swear to god the other night I convinced myself for a solid minute that The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo book on one of our night-tables was a person looking at me. Not even kidding. I would look, close my eyes hoping it went away, and open again, and it was still there. Finally I had to just cover my head for the rest of the night until morning broke and I could make out what it actually was.
So imagine some elf hanging down James Bond style from my ceiling projecting a huge shadow of a person on one of my walls. Shit would go down. Are kids not pissing themselves when they see this thing at first? Like I've seen pictures of them hidden in fridges, are you kidding me? I open that fridge and I see some goblin guarding the OJ and I'm going to have a heart attack. Probably slam the fridge door shut and keel over right then and there.
Side note, you know what this actually reminds me of? Black Peter. Who is Black Peter? To quote:
Before elves and eight tiny reindeer, St. Nicholas had a much more menacing assistant. Named Black Peter, this companion was the physical opposite of St. Nicholas. Tall and gaunt with a dark beard and hair, Black Peter was associated with the punitive side of Christmas. Traditionally St. Nicholas would hand out presents to good children, while it fell to Black Peter to dole out coal (and sometimes knocks on the head) to children who misbehaved.Basically Santa's midget slave/enforcer doling out punishment for all the kids on the naughty list, and, I like to think he was the basis for one of my favorite characters in a Christmas movie, ever, Marcus the Elf from Bad Santa:
