Teacher Throws McDonalds Food Back Through Window With Video

LAKELAND, Florida -- The Polk County Sheriff's Office has arrested a Lakeland teacher for battery after she allegedly threw food at a McDonald's employee. According to investigators, 39-year-old Simone Paolercio was in the drive-thru of a McDonald's on South Florida Avenue Saturday morning when she got into a dispute with the window attendant over her order. They say Paolercio demanded a refund. When the manager refused, she allegedly threw the food through the window, striking the attendant in the face and chest.

The lesson as always...Do not fuck with people's McDonald's. Just don't do it. It never works out in a good way. People are irrationally crazy about their McD's. I can't explain it, science can't explain it, it's just the way it is.

And let me ask this power hungry, McDonald's drive thru manager a question...Was it worth it? Saving the $2.50 her food cost to get covered in soda and cheeseburgers, did you really think that was the right idea? Just fix her fucking order, because here's the thing, the person who took her order over the headset, I guarantee didn't speak English as their first language. Guaranteed. So they fucked it up, like they do roughly 20% of the time, because of the language barrier. Now, we all accept that this is going to happen from time to time. It's part of the deal with going to a fast food drive thru, the quality of food and service sucks, we know that. But we expect any mistakes that we point out to be corrected, and it's really not that difficult, just give me one of the 15 other pre-made burgers you've got just sitting there and I'll be on my way. Don't hassle me for the receipt, don't go over what Juan Pablo Sanchez thought I ordered, just take my word for it and replace my items, that's  all we're looking for.  That's your job as a white shirted employee at McDonald's, fix the mistakes of the non-white shirted employees. If you can't handle that, find another job, or accept that every once in a while, you're going to have a McFlury thrown in your face. 

Stop the Spin Doctors Hate, You Hipster-Douches.

I'd like to take some time to talk to you all today about a grave injustice that I've been noticing as a dangerous, and growing trend...Spin Doctors hate. 

What's the deal people? You can honestly listen to that song, or Little Miss Can't be Wrong, and tell me you didn't find it catchy, didn't bring you back to a simpler time? Bullshit. I don't know why it's become en-vogue to hate on the Spin Doctors, but it's time to cut that shit out, they have feelings too, ya know. Maybe save your misplaced musical hatred for a band that really deserves it, like Nickelback, and the people who support Nickelback.

What it really comes down to is just being a douche. I'm guessing it started with one music critic or Rolling Stones article and the rest of the sheep followed..."Oh, you like the Spin Doctors, I guess I'm just more artistic than you." Bullshit, you've just got a stick up your ass. 

I'm not saying they're musically gifted, I'm not saying I have their albums in my rotation, what I'm saying is that if one of the two aforementioned songs happens to come through my playlist, or get air time on the radio, I'm not turning my nose up and skipping the songs. They're good songs, they're catchy, they're fun. Stop being assholes and admit it. ADMIT IT ALREADY.  It was pop-rock, it had its time and place, and they made two endearing songs. Take it for what it was and move on people. Stop being such Hipster-Douches.

How Pimp Is My Bed Time Water Cup Situation?

"What Ya'll Know About Water Cups?"

Boom, that's how I roll folks. Out of regular cups because of a debilitating and compulsory habit of stacking them next to my bed instead of placing them in the dishwasher, but still need a nice cold glass of water before I go to bed, I roll with my oversized, Kowloon branded, Pimp Chalice. 

I'm thinking about getting one of those crazy straws for sipping though, it's hard to adjust to blindly grabbing a chalice at 4 AM when the muscle memory in your hand has been programmed for the last 20+ years to grab for a standard cup like a normal human being. Plus, I think the crazy straw will give me a certain je ne sais quoi. 

Yes, I'm still very much a child.

College Student Accused of Stealing Frozen Pizza, Coat, and Flag...Or as I Call it, Attending a Party

These two have  any balls, they'll wear this shirt to court

Police said two roommates got drunk Monday morning and tried to break into a College Street residence. Iowa City Police Officers responded to 327 E. College St. at 1:56 a.m. Monday for a report of two subjects trying to open a door. Two subjects matching the descriptions given to officers were located next door inside 325 E. College St. Police said the two men, were found to be in possession of a black coat, a Iowa Hawkeyes flag and a frozen pizza, police said.

Talk about getting a bad rap, if a black coat, a flag, and some frozen pizza are all that's missing, I'd say this was a pretty successful party. I mean how many people go home with the wrong coat, or with no coat at all after a normal college party? 5? 10? I'd say at least that many. I don't think I successfully went home with the same coat I walked in with from a single college party ever.  One semester I realized I'd been perpetually leaving my coats at this one kids apartment, and he took them all home for summer break, and I took them all back the next fall...that was the ebb and flow of college. I'm honestly shocked a coat was even reported stolen, you just steal one back. Head down to res-cafe and snag a similar coat of equal or lesser value.

And don't even get me started on the trumped up charge of stolen frozen pizza. I didn't even know you could arrest people for that. I don't think my roommates and I EVER hosted a party where all the frozen food in our freezer wasn't gone by the next morning. It got to the point where we were stocking up the freezer with just worst $.99 frozen pizza's and entree's you could buy because the theft was so prevalent. Joke was on them when they shit their brains out a few hours later. People treat frozen food at a kegger like party favors.

The worst time happened when a couple of drunks ate our frozen pizzas (the good ones this time, Digiorno), and then proceeded to leave a Thank You note on the card board box, which they stuffed into the oven, you know, so it'd be some place we'd be sure to find it...Like the next morning when I was preheating the oven and happened to notice a large chunk of card board chilling in there before it started a 5-alarm fire. 

So what I'm saying here is, any lawyer worth a damn will get these two 'tards off without even breaking a sweat, just go in there make a couple, boys will be boys, college students comments and walk out...

Happy Holidays from the Kardashians

Fox News - The Kardashians have released their annual holiday card and some critics are scratching their head at what they are dubbing a digitally-enhanced disaster. “The retouching is too much,” Andrew Irving, creative director of entertainment at Los Angeles-based creative agency.

Is Kris Jenner not the worst mom ever? Can't even get a single person in her whole family to look in one direction for a Christmas photo (with the exception of the kid, who probably just got lucky).  If these guys ever wanna shed the "wannabe" part of wannabe models, maybe some practice finding the camera and looking at it...smiles help too.

PS:  I think they got Khloe and Courtney's lower halves mixed up in the photo-shop. Also, Kim is at least 6'5 in this photo, which doesn't seem realistic.

Double PS: Something is seriously wrong with Lamar. For a while I wondered how a seemingly sane person like him could get wrapped up in this...but the moment you help lick the envelopes on a Christmas card like this, and don't have second thoughts, is the second I declare you legally insane.

Partial List of Shit I Hate (In No Particular Order)

Yeah, I know it's supposed to be the Holiday Season which arbitrarily means people pretend to be nice to another to solicit better gifts from their peers, but I'm more genuine than that. I'm sarcastic and cynical all year long baby, Christmas isn't stopping this train of negativity. Since I was coming up short on blog topics, and my friends at school were commenting on my remarkable ability to dislike almost everything, I decided to compile a partial list of the facets of existence I find most displeasing to me. I made the bold assertion to them I'd come up with 1000, which probably won't happen because I'll either get bored or run out of ideas and steal other peoples. So, here's part one of shit I hate, enjoy.


1.) B.C The Comic Strip- Caveman humor isn’t fucking funny, neither is their over reliance on puns.
2.) Healthy Choice Soup- Take out the sodium and flavor of regular canned soup and you get this watery piss that is a sorry excuse for a substitute
3.) 100 Calorie Snack Packs- When I want Dorritos, I don’t want 3.5 chips so I can watch my fucking waistline, I want a whole bag because they taste delicious and I don’t give a fuck about my inevitable weight gain
4.) Kobe Bryant- I have a particular distaste both for Lakers players and rapists, so he “wins” twice
5.) Old Nicktoons Not Being in a Basic Cable Package- Give me my fucking childhood memories. You take my money, happiness, and time from me Comcast, can’t you throw me a bone here?
6.) Cold Kitchen Tiles- No one likes starting their day with freezing feet
7.) People who Bitch I Drink Bottled Water- It’s a free fucking country, I am free to let myself be scammed if I so please, the environment be damned.
8.) The Fourth Kind- one of the worst movies I have ever seen, do not watch it, it will make you angry. In no way scary or believable.
9.) “My Kid is an Honor Student” Bumper Stickers- You should also add a “I have poor self image so I need to vicariously live through my child’s accomplishments” sticker as well.
10.) Diet Fads- There is no fucking miracle secret to weight loss, housewives of America. Eat less, move more for a while. It’s that simple.
11.) Christmas Classics Remixed into ‘House’ Music- *shakes head sadly* My generation has fucked up a lot of things, this might be the one that makes me most sad.
12.) Ben Roethlisberger- See #4, just replace “Lakers” with “Steelers”
13.) The New York Yankees- I could cop out and give each one a reason, but they don’t deserve that much space on MY list. Fuck all of them, especially A-Rod.
14.) Waiting in Traffic- Traffic prevents me from doing what I want to be doing, which is NOT waiting in traffic.
15.) Buttered Popcorn Jelly Beans- A vile blight upon the world of candy, it shouldn’t exist.
16.) Nickelback- Chad Kroeger and Co. whining about god knows what while playing the same power chords over and over again is utter garbage. He’s Canadian too, so he sucks even more.
17.) People who add “Lol” at the end of a text message- You didn’t laugh, you put that there for no reason.
18.) People who respond to the one word text message- If I send you a “k” or “word,” our conversation is over. Don’t keep talking to me, I’ve moved onto better things.
19.) Fat Chicks who wear thongs- Gross, leave that garment to the good looking girls
20.) Fat Chicks in general- Gross, please remove yourself from my line of sight
21.) Starbucks Coffee Size System- I get it, you’re trendy and a reasonably upscale coffee place, but on the rare instances that I am even in Starbucks, give me a fucking small coffee when I ask, don’t make me say “tall” asshole.
22.) Having all Vowels in “Words with Friends”- What the fuck am I supposed to do with 2 A’s, 3 E’s, 1 O, and 1 U, besides angrily throw my phone at the couch?
23.) High Beam Tailgaters- We are the only two cars on the road, do you really need to have your Chevy Silverado halfway up my ass with the flood lights on dickhead?
24.) Public School Lunch- A disgusting collecting of whatever the ladies in the kitchen scraped off the floor and threw in the blender that day.
25.) Piss Mist on the Toilet Seat- Im not talkin’ drops of urine you can see and get rid of, even if it sucks. Piss mist is so fine you don’t realize it’s there until you have settled in, then realized your ass cheeks are moist. Awful.
26.) Mosquitos- Can’t even detect them until you hear that high pitched frequency buzz, but by then its too late: you have an itch that never goes away.
27.) Leaving a pen in your pants pocket through the laundry process- I do this all the time, but it doesn’t prevent me from getting pissed off at the machines, even though its my fault.
28.) Abercrombie and Fitch Stores- The clothes are fine, but the stores smell like someone hosed the hole place down in Axe body spray, all while blaring pop music so loud it makes your ears gush blood. Disgusting.
29.) MySpace- Only pedophiles use this anymore right?
30.) Dan Shaughnessy- Made a career off of hating the team’s he is supposed to cover and willingly defiles anyone in the name of sustaining his alcoholic tendencies. Epitome of a hack.
31.) Chicks who get mad when guys look at their exposed cleavage- IT DIDN’T HAPPEN BY ACCIDENT, YOU PUT IT THERE! It’s like telling little kids not to look at animals at the zoo. Bitches.
32.) Little Kids on Xbox Live- Whiny, over emotional little pricks who ruin my happy time by screaming obscenetities about how awesomely they killed me. I take solace knowing these kids are all getting beat up at their respective schools
33.) Never Wears a Shirt Guy- It could be while playing an acoustic while in the quad or walking around the freshman dorm, the message is still the same: “Im a douche, I just don’t know it yet.”
34.) CatDog- Always watched the show, never enjoyed it. Took me until now to realize this show actually sucked.
35.) Conversation with Any Customer Service Representative- Take me, multiply my level of animosity towards humankind/existence by 1000, then give these people a small modicum of power and tell them their job is to assist other people. Result: Everyone loses.
36.) Hairy Backed Men at the Beach- I go to the beach to relax and enjoy myself, not see a sweaty, heart-attack-waiting- to-happen flaunt his self made back carpet off. There is no way you don’t know you have a throw rug on your back.
37.) Parades- These are fun when you are like 7 years old and the loud noises are a welcome distraction since you have no attention span. Now? It’s just a fucking massive traffic issue in the name of watching people walk in an orderly manner under some unifying theme.
38.) Cleaning up Puke- I’ve dealt with a lot of gross substances in my day, but puke is the absolute worst. The consistency makes it impossible to clean up in any effective way and the smell is REPUGNANT, making me want to puke myself.
39.) Cold Water Showers- I have no idea why people even bathed until there was hot water. It feels like icy knives are being shoved through every pore in your body. I’d rather smell like stale sweat and yesterday’s dinner that I spilled on myself than take a cold shower.
40.) People who call you, you miss the call, then they don’t pick up when you call right back- ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?! What did you do in the 5 seconds between it being absolutely vital to talk to me and deciding that it wasn’t worth it after all? I hope you stubbed your toe or some other sort of minor inconvenience, because it would make me feel better.

Kim Jong Il, The World's Real Most Intersting Man, Dead.

Thug Life

The Mirror - Kim Jong Il has died of heart failure at the age of 69 - after 17 eccentric years as North Korea's 'Dear Leader'.

Sad, sad day for Dos Equis, because I have no idea where they're going to come up with their hilarious material, now that the real most interesting man in the world has passed. Sure the guy in the commercials is a gringo with a beard, but that's really just for asthetics, I mean look at Kim, would you put a troll out as the face of your beer? No. But you would use various tales of his life story if you ever stumbled accross his biography like I did that time I was an intern and supposed to be working but instead was reading the ravings of a mad man for 3 hours. (For simplicity, all facts below are from The Mirror, but are originally from Kim Jong Il's official biography):

1. Birth foretold by Double Rainbow and a New Star in Space - That is some straight up Willow shit, come on Kim, you just fell asleep watching the movie one night and it entered your subconcious, it's cool, happens to all of us...on the plus side, if it is true, we now have an answer to this guys question.

2. World's greatest golfer- I'm sure everyone's heard this one by now, Kim once sunk 5 hole in ones in one day, and fished a full par 72 course with a score of THIRTY FOUR! Note to Kim, when going for lies, maybe tone it down a little bit...I'd have considered believing you with 2 hole in ones and a 58.

3. Kim once kidnapped filmmakers from Hong Kong to create a string of movies, starring Kim Jong Il, battling Godzilla or something...see for yourself:

4. In 2007 Kim outlawed cigarettes nationwide so that he'd be able to quit smoking - Kind of like when that fat-ass in Boston, Mayor Menino, banned sugary drinks on city property so that he wouldn't be tempted to cheat on his diet. You're in good company Tommy.

5. Kim was the original OG, purchasing upwards 350K in Euros a year of Hennessy.

6. Much like Bobby Valentine says he invented the wrap sandwich, Kim Jong Il once claimed he invented the hamburger...McDonalds later urged congress to declare war after such an atrocious claim.

7. A Movie Buff he was not- Owner of over 20,000 films, his favorites were known to be Rambo and Friday the 13th.

And finally, the 10 Weirdest Kim Jong Il Facts:

Safe to say this is a huge loss, to foodies, golfers, film critics, and most notably Dos Equis.

Woman Embezzles $160K+ To Fund Her Farmville and Mafia Wars Habit

AUGUSTA — A former administrative assistant for the Maine Trial Lawyers Association admitted in court this morning to embezzling $166,000 from the group, and a prosecutor said much of it was spent on online social-networking games. However, the chances of the lawyers group recouping that amount are slim. A home owned by Higgins and her husband is in foreclosure. She was accused of forging the name of executive director Steven Prince between May 22, 2006, and Sept. 9, 2010, on 220 checks made payable to herself or to cash, and of doctoring the organization's accounting records to disguise the theft. The scheme was uncovered when Prince was notified a check he had written for $5,500 had bounced. Robbin said an investigator found that over the most recent 18-month period — between January 2009 and September 10, 2010 — Higgins had 78 checks deposited directly to her personal account and paid out the funds to Zyna YoVille and Zynga Mafia Wars, which are social networking games played through Facebook. “Apparently she was buying virtual coins for virtual property in a virtual world,” Robbin said.

There's regular, old, detached from society people, and then there's "embezzling your employers cash to fund your burgeoning Farmville virtual world so you can be the best internet farmer America has ever seen," detached.

And frankly, good for you. Go big or go home, right. Like if you're going to be wasting your employers time playing online facebook games, you might as well go all out. Lets not pussy-foot around here, if you're spending real money on Zynga games like Mafia Wars or Farmville, you're a LOSER. Sorry, there's no getting around that. Once you've crossed the line to actually paying the people of the internet, for the right to grow a good crop of virtual cabbage, you've pretty much announced that you've given up on real life. So at that point, why not go all in like this lady? She probably realized she didn't have much of a life to lose and just did it. And before she got caught, I'm sure she was Queen of the fake life, internet world. Probably had more virtual coins and rupees than anyone, and really, that was as good as it was going to get for her, probably doesn't regret it at all, she's been to the mountain top, she can now die, alone, and poor, and probably in prison, peacefully.

And the employers can cut the poor me act as far as getting the cash back.  I mean I've never played Mafia wars or any of that lame shit, but I'd imagine $160k real money buys A TON of virtual drugs in Mafia Wars. Just sell that stuff back for profit. Get in the game bros.

John McCain Trolling Putin on Twitter

Fox News - Vladimir Putin clearly is "unsettled" by the protests in his country, Sen. John McCain told Fox News on Thursday, after the Russian leader publicly excoriated the Arizona Republican in a personal attack the U.S. senator described as just "strange." "Dear Vlad, The #ArabSpring is coming to a neighborhood near you," McCain tweeted. Putin, in a TV appearance Thursday in Russia, then accused McCain -- a Vietnam War veteran and former prisoner of war who now is ranking Republican of the Senate Armed Services Committee -- of having "a lot of blood of peaceful civilians on his hands." 

You crazy bro? Didn't you just get out of some kind of prison camp? What are you thinking here? You've got the cush life, retired in Arizona, pretending to do work for the Senate. Come on, man, don't go inviting trouble for America, we don't need that right now. How about you and your pals in Washington focus on shit going on in our country right now (like how Congress had to avoid a governement work stoppage for like the 3rd time this year just yesterday), and worry less about a man who won his countries presidency with something like a 97% mandate. I mean even if he forged 47% of the votes (which he did), he still got 50% of the popular vote, which is more than George Bush got when we put that bastard in office, so you tell me who's up to shady business.