College Student Accused of Stealing Frozen Pizza, Coat, and Flag...Or as I Call it, Attending a Party

These two have  any balls, they'll wear this shirt to court

Police said two roommates got drunk Monday morning and tried to break into a College Street residence. Iowa City Police Officers responded to 327 E. College St. at 1:56 a.m. Monday for a report of two subjects trying to open a door. Two subjects matching the descriptions given to officers were located next door inside 325 E. College St. Police said the two men, were found to be in possession of a black coat, a Iowa Hawkeyes flag and a frozen pizza, police said.

Talk about getting a bad rap, if a black coat, a flag, and some frozen pizza are all that's missing, I'd say this was a pretty successful party. I mean how many people go home with the wrong coat, or with no coat at all after a normal college party? 5? 10? I'd say at least that many. I don't think I successfully went home with the same coat I walked in with from a single college party ever.  One semester I realized I'd been perpetually leaving my coats at this one kids apartment, and he took them all home for summer break, and I took them all back the next fall...that was the ebb and flow of college. I'm honestly shocked a coat was even reported stolen, you just steal one back. Head down to res-cafe and snag a similar coat of equal or lesser value.

And don't even get me started on the trumped up charge of stolen frozen pizza. I didn't even know you could arrest people for that. I don't think my roommates and I EVER hosted a party where all the frozen food in our freezer wasn't gone by the next morning. It got to the point where we were stocking up the freezer with just worst $.99 frozen pizza's and entree's you could buy because the theft was so prevalent. Joke was on them when they shit their brains out a few hours later. People treat frozen food at a kegger like party favors.

The worst time happened when a couple of drunks ate our frozen pizzas (the good ones this time, Digiorno), and then proceeded to leave a Thank You note on the card board box, which they stuffed into the oven, you know, so it'd be some place we'd be sure to find it...Like the next morning when I was preheating the oven and happened to notice a large chunk of card board chilling in there before it started a 5-alarm fire. 

So what I'm saying here is, any lawyer worth a damn will get these two 'tards off without even breaking a sweat, just go in there make a couple, boys will be boys, college students comments and walk out...

The Whole Point of Holiday Gag Gifts is Lost on Me Completely.

(CNN) -- If your gift list this year includes gadget-obsessed early adopters who love snatching up the latest electronics, you're in luck. Why not give them an iArm -- an adjustable forearm mount that will let them fiddle with their smartphone, laptop and tablet computer all at the same time? Or for the e-geek on the go, consider the iDrive. Because, let's be honest, we all need a steering-wheel mount to help play with our tablets and e-readers while we're driving. (What could go wrong?) Sound ridiculous? Well, sure. But these gag products may at least let you fool your family and friends for a few seconds.

I honestly just don't get gag gifts, I just don't see the point. Sure I've purchased them from time to time, but only when I'm involved in some kind of hokey gift swap where I'm probably going home with a long range nerf rifle or something. Otherwise, aren't you just burning money? Rich readers can stop reading right now, but for the rest of you, what kind of statement are you making when you go out and just throw away $20 on some ridiculous gag gift? 

Especially adults, you know what a gag gift as an adult should be? A bottle of booze. If you're going to a gift swap and your gift isn't alcohol related, just know you're an ass. Sure it'll get a few laughs but at first, but at the end of the day, the guy that ended up going home with a copy of Brokeback Mountain and a box of Kleenex will hold that against you forever (true story), similarly if someone gets stuck with a carpenters tool belt and a Ricky Martin picture book, they'll forever assume you're into some weird stuff...its more of a reflection of your tastes than a joke on me (also a true story).  

Part of the reason I'm so vehemently against gag gifts too, is because of the setting they're usually given in, the office. Personally I have a hard time finding that line that you cannot cross (though previously I would have assumed Brokeback and Kleenex was it), god forbid I run down to my local Amazing and pick up a blow up doll and some lube and all of a sudden I've offended the office administrator. 

Similarly, things that others consider gag gifts, I just consider thoughtful presents. That long range nerf sniper rifle with scope I mentioned? Still one of the top 5 Christmas gifts I've ever gotten. Never jams, very accurate, and it's gotten me out of a situation or two in the streets, frankly. But someone totally brought that thinking that the receiver would hate it (presumably because they work in a professional office and weren't aware that a certain middle manager spends his lunch break over at Target drooling over the new shipments of Nerf artillery), probably pissed them off that I loved it. I know if I was giving a horrendous gift (say a roll of toilet paper and a gift card to a local burrito chain...also true), and someone absolutely loved it, that would throw me for a loop as well. All that planning to try and mildly offend someone, without crossing the line, gone, because the person that ended up with your gift is a weirder bird than you are...that's infuriating. 

So this holiday season, keep it simple, don't go for that goofy theme based snuggy, thinking you're original (snuggy's are so 2009 peeps), just grab a bottle of Vodka, slap a bow on it, and maybe throw in a scratch ticket or two. Trust me, it'll go over huge.