Alt-Tab Links of the Day: MC Hammer, Racist Skeletons, Two Toilet Based Links, and More!

Yea, it's Friday, I got lazy, here we go:

MC Hammer Creates Search Engine to Compete With Google - Hammer Don't Hurt Em! Why the hell didn't I think about that, I'm over here dead tired trying to produce new content daily and Hammer's just like "hey, I think I'll create a search engine today and see if I get some traffic." Damnit that's brilliant...Plus it gives him another chance to throw on those parachute pants one more time.

Man Living as "Adult Baby" Free to Continue Collecting Social Security Checks - Jesus H. The world is just smacking me in the face today. Kids not even dumb like a baby, he's just a dude who figured out how to game the system. Stay at home, get taken care of, drink out those bottles which are actually wicked convenient on the go. Sure sleeping in an adult crib might cramp your game with the ladies, but free $900 a week to stay home and play lego's is pretty legit. Plus those feety pajamas (video) are fire.

Darren Rovell Uncovers Greatest Bathroom of all time - I don't know about you but I'll rain three's on that hardwood, all day. ALL DAY. Don't challenge me. Might have to drive in for a layup towards the end of the stream though, unless this is like a legit basketball court complete with those towel boys who wipe down the floor whenever it gets wet. PS: Totally devoted 5 minutes to brainstorm a way to simultaneously film myself hitting from three, but not end up in some sort of Brett Favre like scandal...can't be done.

 Apparently Hanging A Skeleton With the Saw Mask By a Noose is Considered Racist in Virginia -One  complaint literally called for the skeleton to "change the black wig to a blonde wig" in order to avoid confusion. Confusion to what? Unless that's Rick James hanging up there, that black person has the longest, straightest and silkiest hair I've ever seen...Not to mention that most black people aren't going to see much family resemblance between the puppet from Saw and themselves.

Toilet Blog #2! Study Confirms, Public Bathrooms are Disgusting Cesspools - I really hope ya'll appreciate the work I put in daily from my second office. Just posting up in the handicap stall, apparently exposing myself to everything but but gingivitis. It's freaking gross. But that's just how I show my commitment to you...So do me a favor and please, pleaaaaseeee don't let Hammer out hit me. I might not recover from that.

Running Diary: Patriots vs. Cowboys 2nd Half

Yes, foreshadowing is STILL fun

Part 2: Patriots vs. Cowboys Running Diary Second Half

3^rd Quarter

15:00 Annnnnddd we are back everybody. Pats begin the half with an uncomfortable 13-3 lead, even though I feel like it should be bigger, given the miscues. Also I’m trying, to no avail, to convince myself that I shouldn’t be scared of the Cowboys, but I am. They’re bound to discover our defense sucks at some point.

-Just noticed we have the OTHER Gronkowski brother back again. Jesus, this guy is like a revolving door for our third tight end spot. Can’t we just keep him based on the awesome-ness of having 66 % of the Gronkowski brothers, regardless of whether or not he’s good?

15:00-12:20- Promising first set of downs leads to a rapid case of football blue balls on the second set. A little foreplay tease with three straight runs, the last a “Brady Special” for the first down. Then Brady can’t find a receiver, Matt Light gets toasted like a bagel on the outside for the 20485^th time in his career, allowing Brady to get sacked for the 3^rd time on the game (didn’t catch the Dallas player, I was too busy bitching about Matt Light.)

-A 3 man rush generates enough pressure to make the Pats throw it away. I feel like little Malculay Kulkin in Home Alone when he finds the picture of Buzz’s girlfriend…”Guys that drive, WOOF.”

12:15-5:48- Dane Fletcher makes a GREAT special teams play, leveling the return guy before he had time to blink. This guy has looked good in limited reps dating back to last season, I don’t know why he doesn’t get more run than Rob Ninkovich as an LB, but hooded one knows best.

-Romo’s pass batted in the air at the line, and we get to see two 350lb+ guys playing coverage on each other as Wilfork goes for the pick while some huge dude on the Dallas O-line bats it away. Fat people make ordinary circumstances much funnier.

-After stuffing Tashard Choice again, Romo finally finds Witten in the middle of the field for a big chunk of yardage. Of course, Gary Guyton was clueless, as he realized he hadn’t yet exhausted his quota of mental fuck ups for the game and decided 3^rd down was an optimal chance to use another one. Literally let Witten run right by him without a second thought.

-Romo gets ridiculous protection and finds Miles Austin all the way to the N.E 19 yard line. The defense not nearly as feisty coming out for the second half as they were to start the game,

-This upper body tackling bullshit by our DB’s has to stop at some point. Chung had Demarco Murray lined up in the backfield for a loss, but instead of making a nice, fundamentally sound form tackle, he tried to drill him in the chest, getting burned and allowing Dallas to eat up more yards. Not enough Pepto Bismol in the world for the heartburn this defense gives me.

-In the goal to go situation, Dallas gives New England a MASSIVE break when Romo misses Murray on a swing pass where we probably would have scored, followed by an Andre Carter speed off the outside on Romo and drilling him in the (hopefully even more broken now) ribs for a 10 yard loss. A 3^rd down screen pass almost results in a “kick in the balls” touchdown as Choice weaved in and out of our unmotivated defenders to the 3 yard line. Christ. After all that time and anger, Dallas gets only a field goal to tie it at 13-13.

5:46-1:10 Pats get the ball on our own 15, and immediately try some sort of gimmick play to get Ochocinco involved. A cluster of 4 receivers sprinted out of the huddle to the right side, leaving Ochosinco on the left, Brady devliered, but Chad once again wasn’t on the right page as he was nowhere near the ball. Based on Brady’s furious body language, I’d say Chad didn’t run his route properly. I REALLY want to love Ochocinco, but he hasn’t been productive at all.

- A couple nice throws to Welker, followed by Gronk leads to a first, as well as a hurry up offense with a nice 9 yard run to BJGE. This variation in tempo’s is catching the Dallas D off balance and leading to some productive plays, very encouraging.

-After a couple more BJGE runs, another first down pass to Gronk, and more hurry up offense, Dallas wisely prepares for the quick run to BJGE and stuffs him for a 2 yard loss. Whelp, that experiment was fun while it lasted. Brady finds Herndo on third down, too bad it was well short of the first. No rhythm to our offense in the second half at all. Mesko to punt

-HAH, Dallas continues to commit unbelievably stupid penalties at a “Oakland Raiders-esque” level, with a “Running into the Kicker” call being made. Mesko embellished a little, but that’s what he’s supposed to do if he feels contact. A gift first down for the Patriots.

-Holy shit, a Danny Woodhead sighting with a run for 5 yards. This is shocking because a.) I thought he was still hurt and b.) he hasn’t factored into the offense at all due to the effectiveness of Herndo/Gronk and Welker/Branch so far this season. Good shit, right Miroki? (If you don’t get the movie reference, get the hell off this blog)

-Son of a bitch, Hernandez fumbles after a nice catch, recovered by Dallas with Welker making a huge heads up play to tackle him. Terrence Newman had a lot of green pasture ahead of him if he wasn’t brought down. On a slightly negative note, Hernandez’s hands are quickly becoming as slippery as the moves he has after the catch. He has a worrying propensity to carry the ball to far from his body or not secure the football quick enough, leading too fumbles or dropped catches. Insert profanity laced grumbling here.

-Dallas has the ball, runs it, going to the fourth quarter, still tied up 13-13

4^th Quarter

15:00-12:54- Romo begins the forth by going to Witten again. Good of Tony to finally realize “Hey, my favorite option is a nightmare matchup for these guys.” Wait, what the hell am I saying?!? FUCK YOU ROMO.

-Pats bring another blitz on 2^nd down, but Dallas picks it up as it has most of the game, and he shoots a pass to Miles Austin to the Patriots 45

-Back to Back blitzes, and the Cowboys give another early Christmas gift to the Patriots, as Austin drops an easily catchable ball. Those Ryan’s really have an affinity for feet huh? Rex gets off on them sexually, and Rob’s teams seem to enjoy repeatedly shooting themselves in the collective foot (yeah, I know Rob is the defensive coordinator, whatever, the joke was better this way.) Patriots ball off of the punt.

12:54-9:30 Patriots open up with an attempted screen pass that was incomplete, and run the hurry up once again, catching Dallas with 12 guys on the field. I feel like the biggest hypocrite, squealing with delight when the Patriots do this to get a cheap 5 yard penalty when I roared with anger every time the Colts did it to anyone else over the years. Oh well, hypocrite feeling gone, keep doing what you’re doing, Patriots.

-BJGE is getting some good lanes off of these quick snaps, with consecutive good runs chewing up 4 and 7 yards respectively. After a false start on the hometeam, the exotic species known as the Danny Woodhead gets blown up in the backfield for a loss.

-My god, Deion Branch is clutch. Snares a 3^rd down pass for a 1^st down. Guy can catch 10 for 120 and 2 TD’s one week, then be a ghost the following week until you finally need him, and more often than not he makes the play. Again, why did we ever part ways with his dreadlocked, sure-handed goodness?

-FUCKING DAMN IT, Brady pretends to be Aaron Rodgers, rolls out to his left, gets his arm hit on the release, and throws his second pick of the game. That was just an awful decision all around by Brady because even if he wasn’t hit on the play, everyone on that side of the field was covered anyways.

Note: My thoughts/scribbling from this point on were hectic/barely legible, owed to what was about to transpire. The page I’m reading from looks like a rabid raccoon dipped its paws in paint and did a figure skating routine on my notebook paper, with the occasional legible profanity.

9:00-5:14 Swing pass to Murray for 8 yards. Gotta say, the rookie out of Oklahoma has looked like a good change-of-pace back for Felix Jones/Tashard Choice.

-Holding call, which negates another Gary Guyton fuckup (missed a tackle on a runner in the backfield)

-You have got to be kidding me, 3^rd and 12, and Romo runs for 17 because no one decided to spy the QB. Why is he being smart all of a sudden? I hate him even more now.

-Terrible throw by Romo, almost picked off, Haynesworth (wow, he’s playing?) forces the issue

-More fodder for the “Devin McCourty is Regressing” argument, as he whiffs on a tackle on Laurent Robinson (who?) who runs for 34 yards down the sideline.

-Pass over the middle complete, and receiver somehow still alive even after Pat Chung made every attempt to murder him on the hit

-1^st and Goal-screen pass to the New England five, this is getting painful, as William Wallace would have said, HOLD!!!

-2^nd and Goal-pressure gets to Romo, forces an incompletion. Heart rate unhealthily high for a regular season game.

-3^rd and Goal-What the hell?? Terrible playcall by Dallas, inside shovel pass to an RB gets blown up by Spikes, settle for field goal again, but take the lead 16-13 Dallas.

5:14-3:46 Written at the top of notes prior to the drive, verbatim, is “Brady, work some of that clutch magic baby” Let’s see if he listens.

- Gronk screen for 9 yards, good start boys

-Running play cut down in the backfield, fuck me.

-AGHHH, pressure forces incompletion…we have to punt…and rely on our defense to make a stop…oh my god.

3:36-2:31 Spikes rips through the line, cuts down runner for 1 yard loss.

-Another run stopped for a 2 yard loss

-False start on Dallas, 3^rd and 18 coming up…and I’m still insanely nervous we can’t top them

-Run for 7 harmless yards, holy hell we stopped them…but what is up with the playcalling??? Three straight runs with a chance to put a dagger in our hearts? Whatever, thanks Dallas, we have one more chance at this bitch. Pats ball, all or nothing here

2:31 to end of game Blitz comes, Brady gets it away to Herndo for 16

-Brady CRUSHED, but somehow gets it to Gronk on sideline, clock stops

-Quick out to Welker for five yards, 2 minute warning.

-Another one to Welker for 5, 1^st down baby

-Dump off to Woodhood for 9, up to the Dallas 30, only down 3.

-Incompletion, another Brady Special for a first down

-Woodhood for 15 more on another underneath route, holy shit, visions of ‘03 patriots obscuring vision.

-Welker for 6, despite excellent coverage, holy balls. Timeout Pats, 27 seconds left in the game

-Brady hangs in pocket, good protecting, fires a missile to Herndo….FOR THE TOUCHDOWN, FUCK YES!!!!

-Dallas finished the game with a hopeless attempt at a hail mary.

Final Thoughts

-In the moment, I didn’t see how the touchdown play developed, but Gronk took the top off the coverage by running out while Herndo ran in, double coverage followed the wrong guy, Brady looked at Gronk, then fired to Herndo, who got sticky hands are the right moment.

-The defense, while stepping it up big time, is only partially responsible for this win. The Dallas play calling on their last two drives was pathetic. No looks downfield, ball completely out of Tony Romos hands, and it probably cost them the game. Seriously, their game plan in the last 6 minutes was more conservative than Rush Limbaugh.

-Unsung Hero-Vince Wilfork-on most occasions where the other D-lineman and linebackers could shoot the gaps and cause havoc, the big man in the middle was commanding double teams in the trenches while also causing a fumble. Continues to be one of the best players on the field despite not always getting the media blowjobs other players receive.

Social Security Income To Boost 3.6%, Don't Worry About Me, Happy to Fund it.

WASHINGTON – Some 55 million Social Security recipients will get a 3.6 percent increase in benefits next year, their first raise since 2009, the government announced Wednesday. The increase, which starts in January, is tied to a measure of inflation released Wednesday morning. About 8 million people who receive Supplemental Security Income will also receive the 3.6 percent cost-of-living adjustment, or COLA, meaning the announcement will affect about one in five U.S. residents.

I'm so happy for everyone collecting social security, really, I'm glad you're getting a raise, kudos to the government, you guys deserve it.  Don't worry about me, I don't mind funding this increase, more than happy to do it.  Sure my private sector COLA this year will probably be like a 1-2% raise (if we even get one), but it doesn't bother me at all that tax payer funded income is raising by more than the actual tax payers income. Not one bit.

And no, it doesn't bother me knowing that Social Security probably won't exist by the time I'm at retirement age, I'll just happily keep paying in, supporting baby boomers and having less money to save for my own future, which ensures that I'll need social security, at least as a form of supplemental income, except, again, it won't exist at that point...because it'll be broke.

But like I said, more than happy to pay, really glad for everyone getting a nice bump in income this January. Smiling ear to fucking ear. Seriously.

Man Stabs Son Over Stolen Lima Beans...I Feel You

(NewsCore) - A Florida man was facing attempted murder charges Saturday after allegedly stabbing his son over a can of missing lima beans, local broadcaster Bay News 9 reported. Police said they responded to a home in St. Petersburg, Fla., at around 10:00am Friday on a report of a stabbing. When officers arrived on the scene they found 26-year-old Donald Gilley suffering from several stab wounds to the chest and abdomen. His father, 54-year-old Donald Wynn, told police he had stabbed his son with a pocket knife because he believed Gilley had stolen a can of lima beans and other belongings from him.

Look, stabbing him might not have been the right approach here, but the guys son brought it on himself. As a fellow lover of Lima Beans (and frankly, I thought I was the only one until reading this report), I know that there's really only one reason for someone to proclaim their love for the lima bean, and it aint taste. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like the taste, its just nothing to write home about, not exactly a flavor explosion going on there. 

No, you like lima beans because other people don't. It's a loophole in the food sharing chain.  Like when I was in college, I'd buy cans of lima beans solely because I knew no one else in the house would touch them. Like if all else fails and we're starving one night, I've got a can of lima beans to fall back on, and they're all mine. You love lima beans for selfish reasons.  

So from that standpoint I completely understand this guys anger. He doesn't give a shit if imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, tell that kid to get his own weirdo food that only he loves, lima beans are his dad's thing and that's that. 

Though I still don't condone the stabbing.  Maybe just have him replace the can and a smack upside the head next time.  Stabbing seems excessive, it's just a can of lima beans.

Daily Occupy Boston Critique: You Guys too Lazy to go Join the Real Protest?

Boston Herald- A confrontation with a knife-wielding junkie at Occupy Boston and rampant thefts have tensions simmering between the protesters and the homeless, prompting Mayor Thomas M. Menino’s predecessor to say it’s high time for police to clear the tent city. “It’s causing disruptions to public order,” former Mayor Raymond L. Flynn told the Herald. “They should have been given one day — 24 hours and that’s it. They have to be removed.”

It's about time. Frigen traffic jam on the way to my indoor soccer game last night really stuck in my craw...I'm not one of the 1% yet you're inconveniencing me all the same.

Look,if you guys (all the occupiers in all the cities) refuse to all organize and get a hall and start a real movement, the least you could do is organize and get together, and instead of these rinky-dink satellite  protests all join forces, or as my friend put it via e-mail chain yesterday:

"those people are too fucking lazy to even drive to wall street and attend the real protest?" 

Well said.  The million man march worked, because there were a million fucking men. All in once place, not flung hundreds of miles from each other.  You believe in the power of numbers yet you won't combine numbers...I mean, you guys are directly across from South Station...take that donation fund that you've gotten (I have no idea who the morons are contributing cash to these people but its ludicrous) and buy a bunch of Fung Wah bus tickets and head to New York. Solidarity, right? 

Joey Quits: Rhode Island Man Quits Job With Help of Hipster Bandmates

(FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - A Rhode Island man who was fed up with his job quit with a band on hand. Joey DeFrancesco, 23, of Providence, says his boss didn't treat him well during the three-and-a-half years he worked at the Marriott Renaissance Hotel in Providence. Check out the video, which has become a YouTube sensation with more than a million views. 

Congrats Joey, I'm sure it's no leap to assume you're camped out with Occupy Providence now, holding some kinda homemade sign complaining about not being able to get a job. But hey, congrats on the show.

All seriousness, that guy had it coming. At first I fig'd Joey and his hipster friends were just lazy bastards who didn't want to conform to adulthood, but this manager or whatever he is just seemed like a grade A prick. Absolute fascist.

Daily Occupy Boston Critique: Still No Clear Mission Statement?

In attempting to have a real discussion with a couple of friends via e-mail chain yesterday I mined this little gold nugget regarding Occupy Boston.  Some background, we were discussing the idea of the protestors finding an empty hall or office space to set up shop and start running this thing like a real movement that can be taken seriously, instead of a shanty town which allows the media and bystanders to give credence to the stereotype of hippies or malcontents just looking for handouts...

but then no one will see them ... honestly at this point the only effect they have is that people see them ... they have no clear mission statement, no organization, no leadership ... probably because they're nothing but a bunch of hippies...
 
no joke - i saw one guy sitting in one of those fold out lounge chairs we use for tailgating .... he had another facing him that his feet were up on and he was just lounging doing nothing ... what cause is that helping ..
 
I saw signs saying get rid of corporations ... signs about not being able to get jobs (might be tougher without corporations) ... signs about bringing home the troops ... signs about getting rid of the Fed .... I even saw signs about stopping standardized testing!! hahaha  - it's basically just a bunch of hippies screaming about any left wing issue and they call it occupy wall st.
 
get one common goal and get organized or its no different than any other hippie protests

Amen...couldn't have said it much better...And don't come back with that crap about not wanting to be pigeon holed into a few specific demands for change that might not encompass everything...you guys have been staging sleep overs in a public park for 3 weeks, you supposedly hold productive general assembly meetings daily, you should have come up with some clear goals and mission statements by now.  Not blanket quotes like "Equality" or that random one I read yesterday where an occupier went off on a riff about whether or not the interviewer ever dreamed of being a skate boarder as a kid...Are you guys kidding me? That's why you're not being taken seriously...there's way too many fringe ideas and opinions being voiced and its taking away from any central wide encompassing message that the masses could actually get behind.

And I don't want to seem like I'm against the democratic process or a grassroots movement, I'm just against dumb movements that have shown no ability to put together a clear cause. I'm rooting for you, believe it or not...some of you, anyway. The clear headed ones with good ideas, but you need to organize and find a way to filter out some of these ridiculous complaints and protests that have no business being a part of this "discussion" that you want to have. My advice, start with the fed, and then the politicians that empower these high ranking execs you seem to loathe so much. 

Jennifer Aniston is Bringing It! Just Oozing Cache.

Goddamnit! Would someone please marry this woman? I mean it's beyond me at this point how she has remained single this long...look at her, she's 42! Still killing it, looks better than just about every 20 something out there. Looks like a well tuned ferrari, just revving engines for show. I'm legitimately staying up nights, losing sleep over the fact that Jennifer hasn't found someone to settle down with yet. This isn't the kind of thing I should be preoccupied with but sadly it is, so I'm begging someone, anyone, take a legit run at Jen...If you're a up and coming actor how do you not go for this? Smoking hot wife who can help bring you cache and move your career along? You think they just sell cache? No, you marry into cache, and from where I'm standing, Jen's got cache in spades. Oozing cache.

My Alarm Clock is Legimately the Only Difference Between Me and Homeless Person

Look, I'm on record as personally hating my alarm clock, like I have a legit vendetta against it...it's been swiped to the floor in hopes of breaking it more than once, it gives me crazy anxiety, and there are just nights I want to tie a cinder block to it and sink it in the Mystic River. But every morning, once I'm up and got some extra strength coffee running through me, I realize I need that alarm clock much more than it needs me.

I'm talking life or death need. I was standing around ironing this morning, thinking about how great it must've been back in the old days (I'm talking medieval ages, pre alarms, bells and whistles), to just wake up naturally and start your day when you're ready to rise, and it dawned on me. There is no way I'd have been anything other than homeless back then. Who would fucking hire me? Without that alarm blaring in my ear every 10 minutes there is just no way in hell I'm getting my ass up to start my day. None.

I think under natural circumstances I'd probably roll out of bed around 11 or so, basically sleeping until my back was too sore from sleeping. I'd saunter upstairs, grab a bagel, and hit the couch. From there I'd go one of two ways, TV on, tablet fired up for some light browsing, or TV on and a quick 20 minute nap to help me wake up.  After about a half hour or so I'd probably be awake enough to shower put a pot of coffee on, and start my day...so we're talking I'm not leaving my house until noon at the earliest.

So now you're probably thinking, so what? Get a job on second shift.  No, doesn't work like that. I'm still going to require work be done by 6:30, 7 PM at the latest. The longer you push it, the later I'm going to sleep the next morning...its not like I'm going to work second shift, get home at midnight and just zonk out until 11 the next morning, no, no, no. I'm still going to need to catch up with my dvr and watch a minimum of 1 hour of re-runs of either The Office or Seinfeld before I can get to sleep.

So see, I need that alarm clock, it's the only thing that keeps me a remotely hire-able employee. It's honestly more valuable to my lifestyle than my college diploma. I'm dead serious. I'd find a job without that diploma, I'd be mouth breathing in my parents basement without that alarm clock, probably buying and selling baseball cards on e-bay or whatever it is basement dwellers do these days.

This all makes me wonder if they people down at the Occupy movements ever owned an alarm clock. Maybe that's their problem? Just can't seem to wake up in time to be productive? Just a thought.