Look, I'm on record as personally hating my alarm clock, like I have a legit vendetta against it...it's been swiped to the floor in hopes of breaking it more than once, it gives me crazy anxiety, and there are just nights I want to tie a cinder block to it and sink it in the Mystic River. But every morning, once I'm up and got some extra strength coffee running through me, I realize I need that alarm clock much more than it needs me.
I'm talking life or death need. I was standing around ironing this morning, thinking about how great it must've been back in the old days (I'm talking medieval ages, pre alarms, bells and whistles), to just wake up naturally and start your day when you're ready to rise, and it dawned on me. There is no way I'd have been anything other than homeless back then. Who would fucking hire me? Without that alarm blaring in my ear every 10 minutes there is just no way in hell I'm getting my ass up to start my day. None.
I think under natural circumstances I'd probably roll out of bed around 11 or so, basically sleeping until my back was too sore from sleeping. I'd saunter upstairs, grab a bagel, and hit the couch. From there I'd go one of two ways, TV on, tablet fired up for some light browsing, or TV on and a quick 20 minute nap to help me wake up. After about a half hour or so I'd probably be awake enough to shower put a pot of coffee on, and start my day...so we're talking I'm not leaving my house until noon at the earliest.
So now you're probably thinking, so what? Get a job on second shift. No, doesn't work like that. I'm still going to require work be done by 6:30, 7 PM at the latest. The longer you push it, the later I'm going to sleep the next morning...its not like I'm going to work second shift, get home at midnight and just zonk out until 11 the next morning, no, no, no. I'm still going to need to catch up with my dvr and watch a minimum of 1 hour of re-runs of either The Office or Seinfeld before I can get to sleep.
So see, I need that alarm clock, it's the only thing that keeps me a remotely hire-able employee. It's honestly more valuable to my lifestyle than my college diploma. I'm dead serious. I'd find a job without that diploma, I'd be mouth breathing in my parents basement without that alarm clock, probably buying and selling baseball cards on e-bay or whatever it is basement dwellers do these days.
This all makes me wonder if they people down at the Occupy movements ever owned an alarm clock. Maybe that's their problem? Just can't seem to wake up in time to be productive? Just a thought.
