Armenian Grandma, The Spade-Hacker, Puts All Other Hackers to Shame

Fox News - Internet service in all of Armenia was cut off for several hours when a 75-year old Georgian woman inadvertently cut the main service line between the two countriesThe woman was scavenging for scrap metal when she discovered the primary fiber-optic cable which runs through the two countries. Service went down when she apparently hacked into it with a shovel severing the line, officials said"She found the cable while collecting scrap metal and cut it with a view to stealing it," Georgian interior ministry spokesman Zura Gvenetadze told AFPThe damage was apparently so severe that 90% of Armenian users lost access for nearly 12 hours while neighboring Georgia and some areas of Azerbajian were also affected.


It's a shame our generation will never have the same work ethic our grandparents' did. Take this woman, did she let a complete lack of understanding of coding, computers, gigabytes, terrabytes, mouses, and touch screens get in her way from becoming the biggest hacker the globe has ever known? Nope, she went out and did the job the old fashioned way and shut down 3 countries worth of internet service...and this terrifies me.


You always hear about how the government wouldn't be ready in the event of a cyber attack, and I assume everyone pictures some dirty chain smoking eastern european nerds huddled in some bombed out apartment hacking US government servers.  Turns out that's more outlandish of a vision than you even need.  It could be some Mexican day worker, pissed at his employer taking it out on their flower bed with a simpel shovel and poof, American internet gone, chaos everywhere.  Can we get someone to confirm that this can't happen here? Are our lines at least shovel proof?


And this guy can cut the shit:


"I cannot understand how this lady managed to find and damange the cable"


Umm, maybe if you buried the line deeper than you would an electric dog fence this wouldn't be an issue. But don't pretend you don't know how it happened. Have some respect for yourself. 

Scientists Find First Gay or Trannie Cave Man...A Gaveman...HEYOOOO

Fox News - An ancient grave may hide more than just a skeleton: Was this the first gay caveman?  Archaeologists digging a site in the Czech Republic recently unearthed the skeleton of a 5,000-year-old man, buried on his left side with his head facing West. And that's enough for researcher Katerina Semradova to slap a few labels on him.   "We believe this is one of the earliest cases of what could be described as a transvestite or third-gender grave in the Czech Republic," she told reporters at a press conference Tuesday. According to Semradova and lead researcher Kamila Remisova, during that period men were traditionally buried lying on their right side, with the head pointing toward the west. Clearly, something was amiss..In addition, the "gay caveman" was buried with household jugs, rather than the weapons, hammers and flint knives typically seen in graves of men. “From history and ethnology, we know that when a culture had strict burial rules they never made mistakes with these sort of things,” Remisova told journalists at a press conference about the find on Tuesday.

Wait a minute, wait a minute...I thought left was straight? Like wasn't that the deal back in grade school days, ear piercing in the left year meant you liked chics, right ear meant dicks. And how do we know cave dude was the first gay caveman or tranny?

Couldn't it simply be the case that he was the first metrosexual?  So the guy liked jugs and mops instead of weapons, can't an early homo-erectus keep a clean cave without being labled homo-sexual? Not that there's anything wrong with that. But I just have to believe that like present day some men were built for hunting/war/fighting and others were meant for more domestic duties.

Me personally, I'm confident enough in my masculinity to say I'd make a horrible hunter, and forget about me going to battle, people were savages back then.  No way I was getting in the middle of that.  But give me a bucket or recepticle and I'll go forrage for vegetables and fruits, sit at home sharpening the tools and what not. Call me a tranny-caveman all you want, I'll be the longest living caveman.  The rest of them barbarians off killing eachother and dueling with bears and shit.  Meanwhile I'm at home cleaning up with the local, lonely cavewoman widows.  Suckers.

If he did have the gay we definitely need to start referring to him as the "Gaveman," in fact I'm off to patent that now.

Man Super Glues his Ass To Walmart Toilet, Has the Gall to Call for Help.

(CNN) -- Police in Maryland are on the hunt for the perpetrator of what appears to be an April Fools' Day prank that left a man glued to a toilet at a Wal-Mart store...Police, along with the Singerly Fire Co. and the Cecil County paramedics, were called to the scene at about 7 p.m. There, they found the 48-year-old victim, who called for help after realizing the sticky situation he was in when he tried -- and failed -- to stand up and leave the superstore's restroom, Donnelly said. It took responders 15 minutes to remove the victim from the stall, but they were unable to disconnect the toilet seat from his body, Donnelly said. Instead, the victim was taken to Union Hospital of Cecil County, where the seat was detached. He left with only minor injuries to his buttocks, Donnelly said.


No shit, I'd die in that bathroom before I called for help. I've seen Something About Mary, I don't need the firemen and policemen calling all their friends down to Walmart to check out the schmuck who glued his ass to the toilet seat.  That shit is humiliating for the following three reasons:

1. Congrats, you're officially the most unsanitary motherfucker on earth. Gross as shit doesn't even begin to describe your stank ass. Not only are you admitting that you didn't even bother to use one of those sanitary protection sheets, you didnt' even check if the previous person sprayed piss all over the seat before sitting down.  You lucked out that it was super glue.  Could have just as easily been some kids disease riddled stagnant urine you were bathing in.  Who the hell does that?

2. Cops, firemen, Walmart employees and all the disgusting people hanging out at Walmart in the middle afternoon are all stareing at your junk. There's 0 chance this guy found a way to pull up his pants with the lid attached to his keyster, 0.  So now you're parading through Walmart with half a shitter attached to your ass and your junk on display for everyone to see.  I thought poor Ted above had it bad.  "Attention Walmart Shoppers, Needle Dick on display in aisle 9."

3. There is no way you had the wherewithal to flush the toilet before calling for help, and you certainly couldn't have wiped.  And I'm going to assume the fact that you were using a toilet in Walmart means this was an emergency along the lines of explosive diarrhea. 

So the picture we've just painted is a stank-ass, unsanitary man, completely unafraid of toilet-transmitted sexual diseases, walking bare ass and johnson through a department store with dingle berries clinging to his cheeks.

Yea, I'd most certainly rather lock the door and die on that toilet.

Gadhafi Writes Letter to Obama "Don't Bomb Me Bro."

MSNBC - In a rambling, three-page letter to Obama obtained Wednesday by The Associated Press, Gadhafi implored Obama to stop the NATO-led air campaign, which the Libyan called an "unjust war against a small people of a developing country."  "To serving world peace ... Friendship between our peoples ... and for the sake of economic, and security cooperation against terror, you are in a position to keep Nato off the Libyan affair for good," Gadhafi wrote. Addressing Obama as "our son" and "excellency," the letter was composed in formal but stilted English, and includes numerous spelling and grammatical errors..."Our dear son, Excellency, Baraka Hussein Abu oumama, your intervention is the name of the U.S.A. is a must, so that Nato would withdraw finally from the Libyan affair," Gadhafi wrote. "Libya should be left to Libyans within the African union frame."

Gadhafi must take Obama for an absolute simpleton, playing the oldest childhood trick in the book here.  This is the same move you pulled when you were wrestling or fighting as a child and called a time out, only it was really a ruse to get your opponent to let their guard down.  

I see you Gadhafi Duck, asking for a break, probably doubled over hands on your knees pretending to be out of breath.  But we're not that dumb.  We're not going to ease up only to allow a free shot to the nuts.  Not happening here. Even with NATO and their peacekeeping hippies running the show we're not falling for that one.  It's not like we have a bunch of 6 year olds on staff who haven't been in a war before (unless the French are somehow involved, they'd totally fall for a trick like this).  

PS: How about cleaning up  your grammar bro? I realize English might not be your first language but have you ever heard of Alta-Vista? Got me through 4 years of college Spanish, I'm sure it could translate your mumbo-jumbo to English better than whatever 3rd World pocket dictionary you used.

Mayor Menino Looks to Ban All Sugary Drinks From Boston Property...Seals Fate for Next Election

The picture of health.

Boston Globe - Saying that sugary drinks have caused rising obesity among city residents and driven up health care costs, Boston Mayor Thomas M. Menino today moved to ban the sale, advertising, and promotion of the drinks on all city property. "I want to create a civic environment that makes the healthier choice the easier choice in people's lives, whether it's schools, worksites, or other places in the community," Menino said in a statement.


Cut the shit tubby. We all know your end game here.  Clearly your wife was unhappy with your ever expanding girth and put you on a diet.  Rather than grin and bear it for a few weeks you've decided everyone else in Boston should suffer with you, and that's dicked up.


And we wouldn't even be in this mess if you had any sense of balance and coordination.  Seriously, if you could just exercise like a normal person, take walks, go for jogs, ride a bike without toppling over like an old school Weeble Wobble and injuring your knee every three months you wouldn't even have to diet.  Have you considered seeing a Doctor about a possible inner ear balance problem?


 On the bright side this next election should be the last we see of good old Mumbles Menino if this goes through.  If there is one thing I know about city and state workers its that they absolutely treasure their coffee breaks.  They're not racking up over time but grinding out paper work all day long.  Those 2-3 paid coffee breaks a day are like the second biggest perk to municipal jobs.  You take those away and you lose your voting base immediately.  So sayonarah Tommy, it's been an OK 20 years.

Friday's Gratuitous Nudity: Naked Man Running Down LA Highway In Only Socks

AOL - Driving down the often-congested 405 Freeway in Los Angeles, you expect to see motorists using their flashers. More rare, however, is a flasher acting like a motorist. Police in Los Angeles say they have detained a man who was photographed running naked alongside traffic on the 405 North on Tuesday morning. The suspect -- clothed only in black socks -- jogged down the highway and tried to talk with drivers who slowed down, investigators told KTLA.com.

Is this like the new health craze that CW should be up on? Nude Running?  After seeing the guy at the St. Pattys Parade in Boston, and now this hombre streaking down LA's 405 I'm starting to think there might be something to the whole naked jogging things.

Only real problem I see here is the socks.  Come on bro, ankle socks and nudity just don't go.  You either rock shoes or you go barefoot.  The twig and berries are already out on display, I'm fairly certain no one is going to focus on whatever disgusting bunions or foot fungus you got going on down there. Live free naked runner man, live free.

PS: what happens when you get picked up by the cops naked? Do you get thrown into the holding cell like that? Or do they have the courtesy to give you one of those orange jumpers.  If they're just tossing you in nude then you can count me out of this fad.  I've been told nothing screams free rape in jail like a naked white guy in black ankle socks. 

Eva Longoria Has a So-Called "Warddrobe Malfunction" on The Letterman Show

Do it Eva! That's how you get back up on your horse after a divorce. Following the blue print to a T.  Slutty outfit? Check. "Accidental" Nudity? Check. Pick an Easy target to salivate all over you on national TV? Check.  

Eva's practically throwing herself at Dave here, letting all of America know she's back on the market.  And sure Dave is an easy target, getting up there in years, and he's always been awkward and gangly, but he's still got those cartoon sized hands...so I'll just assume good old Dave can still bring it.

By the way this is the classic difference between Leno and Letterman.  Letterman just knows when to keep his mouth shut, Jay can't help but spew verbal diarrhea.  Dave throws out a classic one liner about their liquor license and then goes on with the show.  He knows the audience is putty at this point, all just staring at Eva. Why waste material and annoy the viewers with non-stop jabbering.   Jay would have probably said something like "You know what's funny about those boobs..." and then just rolled through 2-3 minutes of jokes he stole from Howard Stern and various other comedians.

Massachusetts Wants Online Retailers to Charge State Sales Tax

BOSTON (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - The days of shopping online, tax-free may be coming to an end. A new bill on Beacon Hill could force e-commerce sites like Amazon, Overstock and Zappos to charge Massachusetts shoppers sales tax. Local retailers say the Web sites have an unfair advantage. In the Commonwealth, the sales tax loss in 2012 is projected to be $335 million.

Local retailers may want to spend more time worrying about me hauling my ass over the border to Salem, NH for all my shopping needs and less time worrying about whats going on in cyberspace.  No joke, just last weekend I drove 35 minutes to Salem to pick up the new motorolla xoom, tax free. Total tax savings, $37.  Was it worth the 60  mile round trip? Hell yes, exorbitant gas prices included.

Instead of crying like a bunch of bitches how about just build a website and sell your shit tax free too?  I’ve never understood physical businesses failure to adapt to e-commerce.  Put your store online, tell your customers and ship that shit to them. You think CW always ranted and raved on the interwebs? Until about 6 months ago you had to see me in person to have access to my genius dementia.  Then came this blog, and shortly after

Twitter, and sooner or later I'm going to have to figure out what this Tumblr thing is all about.  My point is you have to roll with the times. 

The internet isn’t your problem here, the brick and mortar stores right up the road selling stuff tax free is.  Don’t kid yourself and think I’d drive 15 minutes to  your store if they were taxing me for shopping online, I’d still just drive another 15 minutes North and buy my stuff duty free.

Dr. Jack: Did you know (insert hot chick from TV show) was in Scream 4?

During one of my many daily trips to IMDB I happened to stumble across the cast list for "Scream 4". Now I wasn't thinking much of it at the time as I expected to see the regulars from the first few and maybe a few new ladies for Ghostface to off in the opening scene. However, I was shocked to see just how many actresses from TV shows would be making an appearance in the film. It was almost like they cast the movie specifically so I could write this blog!

Without further ado, I'd like to run through all the hot snatch that will be in hopefully the last "Scream". And hey, since baseball season has just started, how about I sort the ladies into a lineup? No chance this squad starts out 0-6 unless it's in a "Not Giving Dudes a Boner" contest. (I'm so upset about the Red Sox that is literally the best I can come up with right now)

1. Alison Brie
TV Credits: "Mad Men", "Community"
I'd hit her down further in the order, but I think my love for the shows she's on clouds my judgement. Still I'm expecting a spark at the top of my lineup and Brie can certainly provide that. I'm interested to see her role in "S4" because I don't think she'd look believable as a high school student compared to the rest of the cast. Wait a minute, possible sexy librarian? I can not wait for this movie!

2. Lucy Hale
TV Credits: "Pretty Little Liars"
I want my #2 hitter to be shorter so she has a smaller strike zone and can get on base easier. I also feel like this blog is starting to make me seem like a serial killer.

3. Kristen Bell
TV Credits: "Veronica Mars", "Gossip Girl", "Heroes"
The highest profile member of the lineup is Bell. Am I a huge Bell fan? No, I am not. However, her appearance will put butts in the seats and she was great in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". Also, for some reason people loved "Veronica Mars" so we'll have that freaky group of weirdos supporting us.

4. Hayden Panettiere
TV Credits: "Heroes"
My cleanup hitter is the only girl who actually looks like she might have played sports at least one day in her life. Sure her TV career isn't that great, but at least she's got sports movie experience from "Remember the Titans" and "Ice Princess". Also, is there any doubt at all that she's getting killed in "S4"? Where are the BoDog odds for that because I'd bet my house.

5. Anna Paquin
TV Credits: "True Blood"
I didn't think of positions for everyone, but I'd definitely put Paquin at catcher because Sookie on "True Blood" can read people's minds. She'll know what the hitters are expecting and then she can call for something different. Sometimes when I come up with an idea as good as this I really scare myself. I just got chills.

6. Aimee Teegarden
TV Credits: "Friday Night Lights"
Hey look, she's in a baseball uniform! How convenient! As upset as I am about the Red Sox start, I'm even more upset about "FNL" going off the air. Luckily, I don't have DirectTV so I still have yet to see the last scenes of Teegarden as Julie Taylor. Now subtle changes in the spelling of a normal name tends to make girls seem hotter, but I can't help but feel like Aimee's parents tried a bit too hard.

7. Neve Campbell
TV Credits: "Party of Five"
The wily veteran. She's knows what's coming, she's just not fast enough to always catch up to it. Still her knowledge and leadership skills make her one of the more valuable members of the team. And if you're wondering if I'm kissing Neve's ass because I'm legitimately disappointed for how her career turned out, then you're right.

8. Shenae Grimes
TV Credits: "90210"
This chick's got a tattoo on her side which is one of the most painful places you can get one. So we know she's crazy. We want crazy on the team, but we don't put crazy in the top of the order. We want crazy at the bottom with sac bunts and hit and runs all over the place.

9. Brittany Robertson
TV Credits: "Life Unexpected"
Ok here's the deal, we needed to fill out the lineup. I'm not saying she's not attractive. She's cute, but cute as in she looks like she's fifteen. She actually will turn 20 in a few weeks so I'm not totally creepy for including her. However, I guess I am a little creepy for looking up her birthday but what makes you so fucking perfect anyway?

Pitcher. Courtney Cox
TV Credits: "Friends", "Dirt", "Cougar Town"
Probably the best TV resume on the team and we've seen from her recent bikini pics, she still has her fastball. I can't trust any of these young ladies to not pull a Lohan at any second and leave me without someone to throw the ball. I need my ace to be an actress I've known for years and have faith in. Someone who's been in a Hall of Fame show and not someone whose one hit show was only good for one season and now makes Lifetime movies. And dates a giant Russian boxer. And whose name rhymes with Smaden Bennetear.


And there's the squad. Now if you're about to write a comment saying Emma Roberts is in the movie too and she was on Nickelodeon then I want you to take a good long look at yourself and your life choices to this point so far.

Enjoy the movie everybody!

-Dr. Jack