Without further ado, I'd like to run through all the hot snatch that will be in hopefully the last "Scream". And hey, since baseball season has just started, how about I sort the ladies into a lineup? No chance this squad starts out 0-6 unless it's in a "Not Giving Dudes a Boner" contest. (I'm so upset about the Red Sox that is literally the best I can come up with right now)
TV Credits: "Mad Men", "Community"
I'd hit her down further in the order, but I think my love for the shows she's on clouds my judgement. Still I'm expecting a spark at the top of my lineup and Brie can certainly provide that. I'm interested to see her role in "S4" because I don't think she'd look believable as a high school student compared to the rest of the cast. Wait a minute, possible sexy librarian? I can not wait for this movie!
TV Credits: "Pretty Little Liars"
I want my #2 hitter to be shorter so she has a smaller strike zone and can get on base easier. I also feel like this blog is starting to make me seem like a serial killer.
TV Credits: "Veronica Mars", "Gossip Girl", "Heroes"
The highest profile member of the lineup is Bell. Am I a huge Bell fan? No, I am not. However, her appearance will put butts in the seats and she was great in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". Also, for some reason people loved "Veronica Mars" so we'll have that freaky group of weirdos supporting us.
TV Credits: "Heroes"
My cleanup hitter is the only girl who actually looks like she might have played sports at least one day in her life. Sure her TV career isn't that great, but at least she's got sports movie experience from "Remember the Titans" and "Ice Princess". Also, is there any doubt at all that she's getting killed in "S4"? Where are the BoDog odds for that because I'd bet my house.
TV Credits: "True Blood"
I didn't think of positions for everyone, but I'd definitely put Paquin at catcher because Sookie on "True Blood" can read people's minds. She'll know what the hitters are expecting and then she can call for something different. Sometimes when I come up with an idea as good as this I really scare myself. I just got chills.
TV Credits: "Friday Night Lights"
Hey look, she's in a baseball uniform! How convenient! As upset as I am about the Red Sox start, I'm even more upset about "FNL" going off the air. Luckily, I don't have DirectTV so I still have yet to see the last scenes of Teegarden as Julie Taylor. Now subtle changes in the spelling of a normal name tends to make girls seem hotter, but I can't help but feel like Aimee's parents tried a bit too hard.
TV Credits: "Party of Five"
The wily veteran. She's knows what's coming, she's just not fast enough to always catch up to it. Still her knowledge and leadership skills make her one of the more valuable members of the team. And if you're wondering if I'm kissing Neve's ass because I'm legitimately disappointed for how her career turned out, then you're right.
TV Credits: "90210"
This chick's got a tattoo on her side which is one of the most painful places you can get one. So we know she's crazy. We want crazy on the team, but we don't put crazy in the top of the order. We want crazy at the bottom with sac bunts and hit and runs all over the place.
TV Credits: "Life Unexpected"
Ok here's the deal, we needed to fill out the lineup. I'm not saying she's not attractive. She's cute, but cute as in she looks like she's fifteen. She actually will turn 20 in a few weeks so I'm not totally creepy for including her. However, I guess I am a little creepy for looking up her birthday but what makes you so fucking perfect anyway?
TV Credits: "Friends", "Dirt", "Cougar Town"
Probably the best TV resume on the team and we've seen from her recent bikini pics, she still has her fastball. I can't trust any of these young ladies to not pull a Lohan at any second and leave me without someone to throw the ball. I need my ace to be an actress I've known for years and have faith in. Someone who's been in a Hall of Fame show and not someone whose one hit show was only good for one season and now makes Lifetime movies. And dates a giant Russian boxer. And whose name rhymes with Smaden Bennetear.
And there's the squad. Now if you're about to write a comment saying Emma Roberts is in the movie too and she was on Nickelodeon then I want you to take a good long look at yourself and your life choices to this point so far.
Enjoy the movie everybody!
-Dr. Jack
