(CNN) -- Police in Maryland are on the hunt for the perpetrator of what appears to be an April Fools' Day prank that left a man glued to a toilet at a Wal-Mart store...Police, along with the Singerly Fire Co. and the Cecil County paramedics, were called to the scene at about 7 p.m. There, they found the 48-year-old victim, who called for help after realizing the sticky situation he was in when he tried -- and failed -- to stand up and leave the superstore's restroom, Donnelly said. It took responders 15 minutes to remove the victim from the stall, but they were unable to disconnect the toilet seat from his body, Donnelly said. Instead, the victim was taken to Union Hospital of Cecil County, where the seat was detached. He left with only minor injuries to his buttocks, Donnelly said.
No shit, I'd die in that bathroom before I called for help. I've seen Something About Mary, I don't need the firemen and policemen calling all their friends down to Walmart to check out the schmuck who glued his ass to the toilet seat. That shit is humiliating for the following three reasons:
1. Congrats, you're officially the most unsanitary motherfucker on earth. Gross as shit doesn't even begin to describe your stank ass. Not only are you admitting that you didn't even bother to use one of those sanitary protection sheets, you didnt' even check if the previous person sprayed piss all over the seat before sitting down. You lucked out that it was super glue. Could have just as easily been some kids disease riddled stagnant urine you were bathing in. Who the hell does that?
2. Cops, firemen, Walmart employees and all the disgusting people hanging out at Walmart in the middle afternoon are all stareing at your junk. There's 0 chance this guy found a way to pull up his pants with the lid attached to his keyster, 0. So now you're parading through Walmart with half a shitter attached to your ass and your junk on display for everyone to see. I thought poor Ted above had it bad. "Attention Walmart Shoppers, Needle Dick on display in aisle 9."
3. There is no way you had the wherewithal to flush the toilet before calling for help, and you certainly couldn't have wiped. And I'm going to assume the fact that you were using a toilet in Walmart means this was an emergency along the lines of explosive diarrhea.
So the picture we've just painted is a stank-ass, unsanitary man, completely unafraid of toilet-transmitted sexual diseases, walking bare ass and johnson through a department store with dingle berries clinging to his cheeks.
Yea, I'd most certainly rather lock the door and die on that toilet.
