Please God, If You're Listening, Make Tebow Go to the Jets

ESPN - While one league source says the Dolphins are not likely to deal for Tebow, two sources told ESPNNewYork.com's Rich Cimini on Tuesday night the Jets' interest in Tebow has intensified. The Jets, who a league source originally categorized as "a long shot at best," are concerned about the negative perception of its locker room. The Jets were divided by player unrest last season, and "bringing in a guy like (Tebow) would help," one source told Cimini. "It makes perfect sense...The Jets are intrigued by what Tebow could do in the wildcat offense. New coordinator Tony Sparano introduced the wildcat to the NFL as coach of the Miami Dolphins. That, coupled with Rex Ryan's desire to be a power-running team, has fueled organizational discussion on Tebow. On the downside, there's concern Tebow's presence could create a distraction for incumbent Mark Sanchez, whose leadership came into question after the season. Sanchez recently received a three-year contract extension with $20.5 million in guarantees, all but ensuring he'll be the starter for at least the next two years..."I don't know how he'd handle it," one source said of Sanchez. "That would be interesting."

Someone get me Mike Tannebaum's personal address, I'm going to write them a check to help this along. 

Please God, for all that's holy, bring Tebow to the Jets. First off, if there was one locker room in the league that needs more God in their lives, its the Jets.  Can you imagine the conversation between Cromartie and Tebow? Cro trying to list off his clan of children, followed by Tebow mentioning that he actually knows 3 of Cro's kids from the charity shelter he works at in the off season...that would be fantastic.

But it's about more than spreading the Word of Tebow...It's about my entertainment as a Patriots fan, which would be at an all time high. Read this back: "The Jets are intrigued by what Tebow could do in the wildcat offense." Really? The wildcat offense? The offense that was roundly abandoned 2 and a half seasons ago after its abject failure in its first full time go around in Miami? Man, Tony Sparano just can't quit the wildcat, huh? You think he already forgot that the wildcat is probably one of the main factors in why his team was never able to develop a reliable NFL QB in his time there? That maybe yanking your young QB in favor of the likes of Ronnie Brown, Pat White, and now, Tim Tebow,  for 10-15 snaps a game for some gimmick offense isn't the best message to send to your impressionable quarterback.  You think he's thought about that?

Actually, I'll tell you who probably loves this, and that's Mark Sanchez...As you'll recall, the last time the Jets flirted with another QB, Peyton Manning, the team loaded up and gave Sanchez an outrageous raise to smooth over any hurt feelings...Never mind the fact that he was coming off basically his worst year since his rookie year, in which he took no steps forward in his progress as a professional quarterback and all of his teammates openly wondered whether he could lead them to wins...So yea, he's probably at home grinning, still counting his new pile of money and wondering when the Brinks truck will be backing up again after the team's little foray with Tebow this time around. 

First class organization all the way over there.

A Brief Run Down of the Most Unhealthy Weekend Ever

Let me state by saying that the results of this weekend are no surprise, for years now the first week of March Madness coupled with St. Patty's day has been a beacon of un-health for me.  There's just something about the Spring time air, the sunshine, and the general fantastic weather after a grey and dreary winter that make me want to spend anywhere between 36-48 straight hours in dark pubs or basement bars, drinking as much as I can and staring at 24 hour coverage of college basketball...It's a magical time of the year. 

But this year took it to a whole 'nother level, a level that I'm sincerely hoping will never be topped. What follows below is a run down of my diet from Friday morning through Sunday morning. It will shock, disgust, and amaze you. Hell, it forced me to actually pack my bag for the gym tonight, an incredibly rare event. Looking back you'd assume I was in some state of depression the entire weekend, but honestly, it couldn't have been more fun. With the highlight being this, probably my proudest moment of the year:

Yes, I'm bragging, no I'm not humble, so please don't call it a humblebrag. It's the opposite of a humblebrag, its an arrogant brag. 

Anyway, back on topic, below is a run down of my 48 hour diet (strictly food consumption, but for informational purposes I began drinking at 11:15 Friday morning, and aside from sleeping for 8 hours into Saturday, there wasn't much of a break elsewhere).

 Friday:

10:30 AM - Sausage Egg and Cheese on a Cinnamon Raisin Bagel

3:00 PM - Loaded Nachos

7:00 PM - Loaded Nachos with chicken (for health purposes, obviously)

9:00 PM - Wendy's Spicy Chix Sandwich and a Large Fry

Saturday:

10:00 - Sausage Egg and Cheese on a Cinnamon Raisin Bagel (sensing a trend). 

3:00 PM - Half of a Stuffed Pepper (by far the oddest thing on this list)

8:30 PM - Two McD's Cheeseburgers, Large Fry, Bucket of Orange flavored Hi-C

11:30 PM - 4 Slices of Regina's Cheese Pizza that improbably showed up at my apartment. 

Sunday Morning:

11:30 AM - Supreme Omelet with Home Fries (A supreme consists of 3 eggs, cheese, bacon, sausage, and Ham). 

I ate healthy the rest of the day, which is probably the only reason I was able to stave off what was sure to be a massive coronary. 

Tebow to the Patriots? The Media Is Even More Full Of Shit Than We Thought

Boston.Com - Will there be Tebowing across New England? According to a radio report by ESPN's John Clayton over the weekend, if the Denver Broncos close the deal with quarterback Peyton Manning, the rumor circulating is that the Broncos may then trade quarterback Tim Tebow to the Patriots. "Here's an interesting proposition, just a rumor. Let's say you have Manning going to Denver," Clayton said on ESPN Radio over the weekend according to ESPNBoston.com. "Tim Tebow is probably going to be traded. He's not going to Jacksonville, they've already got Chad Henne. New England. You trade him to New England and groom him to be kind of a role player, and then you trade Ryan Mallett in some way. It's just a rumor."

So Clayton, explain something to me, is it a rumor, or did you just make it up yourself, right there on the spot? Because it sounds like you just made it up. Lets examine:

 "Here's an interesting proposition, just a rumor"

Well that's pretty confusing.Doesn't really clear anything up. I mean you start out by saying its a proposition, meaning it's an original idea, not something you've heard from any reliable sources, but then you say it's a rumor...

Let's say you have Manning going to Denver," Clayton said on ESPN Radio over the weekend according to ESPNBoston.com. "Tim Tebow is probably going to be traded. He's not going to Jacksonville, they've already got Chad Henne.

 Ok, this is a bit more clear...the phrase "let's say..." is the give away. You're making this stuff up, its fine, its all well and fun for discussion, but don't say it's a rumor.  Calling something a rumor gives a story a sense of credence, that maybe you heard it from someone in the know. You didn't. You made this up. But because you used the word "rumor," I had to deal with clueless co-workers and even more clueless radio hosts taking up my time yesterday perpetuating this "rumor" that was really just a "proposition." 

Oh, and by the way, having Chad Henne on a teams roster should never preclude a team for looking for another quarterback. The guy sucks...the Dolphins just let him go, you remember that, right? The same Dolphins who haven't had a decent QB in a decade didn't want the guy. I hardly think his signing precludes a Tim Tebow signing, but that's just a proposition, just a rumor...(I kid).

Lets  go a little further, because this is where it really gets ridiculous:

 New England. You trade him to New England and groom him to be kind of a role player, and then you trade Ryan Mallett in some way. It's just a rumor."

HAHAHAHA, Oh Jon, you make me laugh.You're paid as an analyst, right? Like, by the world leader in sports? Yes, the Patriots will trade away their future insurance policy for a glorified full back just so they can groom him to be a "kind of role player." Just what kind of role player would that be, exactly? Keeping in mind that the team has basically decided that they don't want to pay BJGE, a proven, 1,000 yard, double digit TD running back, to return. But for Tebow? Oh yea, they'll roll out the checkbook for this guy. In between goal line snaps as the decoy fullback he could lead the team in sideline prayer and organize all of the teams charitable events. Is that what you mean?

Jon, you work for ESPN. You're supposed to be better than that. You're supposed to have real sources...The local radio stations rely on guys like Frank from Gloucester and Joe in a Car, you're supposed to be an actual insider. Not just another crazy guy making shit up as you please.  Hell, at a bare minimum you should be able to understand that if you're precluding a team that owns Chad Henne from going after Tim Tebow, then you should probably preclude the team that has TOM BRADY. Its just bizarro stuff.

Look, I get that the Patriots are a popular rumored destination for EVERYONE. Seemingly every player available each offseason is somehow "rumored" to be going to New England. It makes sense, we live in a crazy sports market (I mean literally crazy, have you heard some of these callers) that can generate interest in just about any sports related story, year round. I was shocked, frankly, that we didn't hear a peep about Peyton Manning. I'm serious, I was shocked. Not one knuckle head (that I heard) called into EEI or the Sports Hub to make the case that the Pats should sign Manning. It was borderline miraculous. And maybe that's why I'm a little caught off guard here.  I thought for one second this sports market had a moment of clarity, Wrong. Guess I'll just have to tune out the talking heads for another week...

What Did Randy Jackson Wear?

First off, my bad to everyone for being so late with this, I completely forgot that I'd started doing this until I caught the end of the results show yesterday. And now on to the judging.

Continuing with this years trend of "The Plural Tone" outfits, we have hear the Mr. Rogers meets Dots Candy. Amazing. Frankly, he had the plural tone theme pulled off with just that garrish shirt on its own. He's basically just showing off with that outlandishly bold cardigan. 

This is from the results show, and I'm not gonna lie, Randy, this is the first time you've let me down this season.  Yea you've still got the tri-tone going, but the spirit is missing. There's nothing bold here, there's nothing show-offy. It's just a middle aged man who appears to have stolen Justin Biebers jeans and stole a homeless clowns jacket. No effort to be original and ground breaking whatsoever. 

Look, I don't want to discriminate like this, but there's no way around it. Skinny Jeans aren't for candidates who've had lap-band surgery. They're just not. They look ridiculous on skinny emo-asians with bad hair cuts, they look REALLY ridiculous on middle age black men who vaguely remind me of tyrannosaurus-rex (I can't explain it, he just does. Just one of those things where you look at someone and immediately associate like, a frog or a horse or some kinda creature with them).

I'm expecting A LOT better tonight Randy, don't let me, or my following down...it's really not a tall order.

NPR Writer Apparently the Head of the Etiquette Gestapo

NPR - Listen to the conversations around you — colleagues at the office, customers in the coffeehouse line, those who serve you, those you serve, the people you meet each day. "Give me a tall latte." "Hand me that hammer." "Have a good one." Notice anything missing? The traditional magic words "please" and "thank you" that many people learn as children appear to be disappearing. Lisa Gache, co-founder of Beverly Hills Manners in Los Angeles, has noticed the gradual vanishing of courteous language. She blames the casualty on the casual. "The slow erosion of the 'magic words' in our everyday vernacular," says Gache, who coaches people to be more civil, "has to do with the predilection toward all things casual in our society today. Casual conversation, casual dress and casual behavior have hijacked practically all areas of life, and I do not think it is doing anyone a service." Other polite phrases also seem to be falling by the wayside. "You're welcome," for instance. Say "thank you" to someone these days, and instead of hearing "you're welcome," you're more liable to hear: "Sure." "No problem." "You bet." "Enjoy." Or a long list of replies that replace the traditional "you're welcome." Instead of saying "thank you," people say "got it." Or "have a good one." Or, more often, nothing at all. And in lieu of saying "no, thank you," reactions such as "I'm good" are increasingly common.

Dear Writer, stop being such a god-damn etiquette snob.  Our bad, didn't realize that our modern diction was so offensive to your old-world sensibilities. Didn't realize that you didn't have your 21st Century English Diction thesaurus on you when I responded "no problem" after you thanked me.  Sorry, we really just figured anyone bright enough to be able to write such a well thought piece would have no issues communicating with us commoners. 

This column is just insufferable and out of touch, words and customs change, get with the times. These people aren't being impolite, they've just changed their etiquette to match societal expectations. Not everyone has the time to say, "Hello, how are you today," in fact I've never uttered those words. It's "How's it Going," or "Hey,"...Actually, it's not even "How's it going," it's more abbreviated, like "zit going." That's it, that's what you're going to get. And it's not being rude, its just, there's over 300 million people in this country, and most of us are just very busy. We've got shit to do. If we spent all day adhering to out of date social norms we'd never get anything done...Pining for the old way of greetings and salutations is like pining for the days of hand written letters as a form of communication, written with a feather and an ink-well, obviously. 

While we're at it, I'd like to propose another change, another societal leap forward, lets stop saying "bless you" after people sneeze, it's getting out of hand (and not because we've shortened "God Bless You" as the writer of this column probably laments).  It's to the point now where if you hesitate a second in blessing someone they get all holier than though on your ass, demanding blessings. Easy, settle down folks. I believe you asked me to bless you, I'm not obligated. Slow    Your     Roll.  Plus, it's the only bodily function where the people around you are expected to behave according to your expectorants. If I burp, I get disgusted looks (maybe a laugh) but have to excuse myself, if I fart, I'm forced to pretend it wasn't me and look for a stranger to blame it on, but if I sneeze, suddenly I'm the next prophet with people bowing before me and blessing my health. It doesn't make sense and it's time to stop.

Or it's food for thought anyway. 

Tip-Off Time! My Region by Region March Madness Picks

Yes, these are a day late. No, it's not because I was afraid you'd steal them, sometimes I'm just lazy.

Lets start with the South:

Fairly straight forward, with the exception of Duke, I hate Duke and I look for the first chance to knock them out every year. This is often done at the detriment of my own bracket, no matter, a grudge is a grudge and I'm morally obligated to pick them to lose. I've also never been a fan of Notre Dame if you're wondering, either. Weird, because I'm white, right? I've never fallen for the cult Caucasian thing when it comes to rooting for the fighting Irish, it's just always felt like they're out of touch and living in another era, they just don't do it for me.

On to the West:

By far the most difficult portion of this years bracket, and the one most likely to have a bunch of scribbled red "X's" all over it after the first weekend. Three of my personal favorite surprise teams were stuck in this bracket, Florida, Memphis (who got absolutely shafted with that seeding), and New Mexico. Throw in this years Mid-Major darling Murray State, and you've got the potential for landmines everywhere, in fact in a few cases you just have landmines facing off against landmines. No one wins when to landmines get into a knife fight, no one. What I'm saying here is, this sub-bracket is going to be fucked no matter how you fill it out. Whoever makes it out of the West the least-scathed, will probably win your pool. It'll also probably be a girl, which is why I had the fiancee fill out a bracket last night, for insurance purposes.

On to the East:

"Oh, big surprise CW, you took K-State and Vandy like everyone else in the country." Shut up. I'm very aware of who I am, and I'm nothing if not a follower of trends, so this should shock no one. For the lower half, I had the hardest time not taking Florida State over OSU, they're my darling heading into this tournament, if you follow me on twitter (which I know you don't) you saw me last week lobbying that they were as good as any potential 2 seed in the country, and I still believe that. The problem is OSU is as good as any 1 seed, so you see the conundrum. By the way, in case you're wondering, I chose West Virginia solely on the Merits of Country Road, it's the best bar song in history. I'm not even kidding, about the pick or the FACT that Country Road is the best bar song in history (I mean, it even gets them going in Bangkok). 

Finally, to the Midwest:

Let's just state the obvious, I'm a huge North Carolina fan. While this is certainly a flawed team, they're also the most talented team this side of Kentucky...Now that that's out of the way, I'm actually really, really looking forward to two potential match ups here, the 1993 NCAA Championship rematch (This Time, It's Personal...19 Years Later) of Chris Webber's One Shining Moment, and the potential Roy Williams V. Kansas Elite 8 Heavyweight Bout...There is nothing that gets me going more than seeing Roy fired up in a post game press conference. He controls the room as the king of passive-aggresivism, and it's a fantastic watch. You can bet your ass it'll be on full display before and after a potential match up with Kansas.  On to the bottom half (sick segway, right?), things get a little wacky with Belmont and NC State. I picked them both for two reasons, A) Because I actually think they're both much better than their seeds suggest, and B) For some illogical reason I always remember previous years brackets being blown up in the lower right region. So yes, I'm partially basing my picks based on team's locations on a sheet of paper. 

On to the Final Four:

Chalk, Chalk, and more Chalk. All season long there has been a group of 6-8 teams who just stood out above the rest...in fact, until somewhere after mid-season there really wasn't even a consensus #1 over all, just a bunch of really good teams that were clearly better than the rest of the pack. Kentucky managed to separate themselves from this pack a little but for the most part the pack was intact throughout the whole season. I think a strong case can be made for Wichita State making the Final Four, Florida State too, but I'm not going to pick them. This whole NCAA season has been about this core pack of teams, and who would rise to the top come tournament time, I think we're going to finally see that sort itself out.

The Finals:

I kind of alluded to it in that previous paragraph, but Kentucky is just this years team. This is Coach Cal's year (insert joke about later vacating his year here). Plus, I'm nothing if not self loathing and superstitious. I can't simultaneously love North Carolina and pick them to win the whole shebang...I can't handle that kind of disappointment if they lose...that's right, I'm hedging my rooting interest against my bracket for sanity purposes. 

Anyway, there you have it, it might not be the most logical bracket, and it probably won't win any of the pools I'm in (again, that's why my fiancee filled one out too), but god help me, I'll beat Barrack O'Bama.

Iranian-Americans Petitioning New Bravo Show, The Shah's of Sunset

Fox News - They’re rich. They’re spoiled. They’re Persian. Which means Bravo’s latest reality endeavor, “The Shahs of Sunset,” has Iranian-Americans up in arms over the stereotypes they claim it perpetuates. So much so, in fact, that petitions are circulating in Iranian communities to have the show yanked off the air. The program, which premiered on Sunday night, follows a group of six Persian-American socialites in Los Angeles as they navigate love and life with what seems like bottomless checking accounts. The show is produced by Ryan Seacrest, who is also the executive producer of “Keeping up with the Kardashians,” and the various spin-offs of that venerable series...The show’s focus does seem to be on the characters' frivolous sides. Golnesa 'GG' Gharachedaghi, who is being heralded as the next Kim Kardashian, is a 30-year-old trust fund baby who uses her father’s credit card to buy designer clothing and vehemently argues on the first episode that she does not like “ugly people.”..Another, which has collected 500 signatures on Change.org, argues that the show promotes racial stereotypes. One signer of that petition, Shepard Jacobson, commented: “The show wants to present caricatures of Iranian-Americans. This is not entertaining. Rather, it is racist and only encourages others who do not know Persians in our American society to feed into the worst kind of stereotype, rather than showing a new generation of ambitious yet hardworking Iranian-Americans.” 


Hold up...Racist? Can something really be racist when it's portraying one particular extended family's wealth and extravagant lifestyle, am I getting that right? So portraying a bunch of filthy rich Persians as your typical Hollywood Hills celebutants, basically as obnoxious an American subset as you can find, is racist? I would have thought that was the most welcoming sign possible for Iranians. Like, "hey, you can act like the white spoiled brats out here and we'll make you famous too!" No? I would have thought racist would be filming the father of this clan involved in money laundering schemes in some dark basement with possible terrorists or something, not following the day to day drama of his daughter and filming her presumably many Mani-Pedi dish sessions. That line about "worst kind of stereotype" is an absolute joke. The worst kind of stereotype would involve the show insinuating that the family is funneling money back to Iran to fund their Nuclear Weapons research...but as far as I can tell that's not going on here.

It's not racist people. If anything we were being more racist before this show. I mean there wasn't one degrading show about Persians on American television prior to this, that was a travesty. Whites had The Real World, The Challenge, The various Kardashian franchises, The Jersey Shore, the Teen Mom franchise, Real House Wives of New York and LA, the list goes on. Blacks had the Bad Girls Club (on Oxygen, I'm sure you've never heard of it), Real Housewives of Atlanta, and Basketball Wives. It's about time the Persians got into the mix.

Plus, its on Bravo, which is basically E!-light these days. People aren't exactly watching these shows for intellectual curiosity reasons. We're not trying to glean some societal insight into the every day life of real Persians. We're watching junk television and trying to feel better about ourselves because even though these reality people have more money than most of us can ever dream of, they also tend to be dead inside, and that makes us feel good.

So spare me the racist petitions, the claims of injustice, and any other bullshit PC complaint you have. This show is as American as Apple Pie and white trash, and Persians should be proud.

Jermaine Jones Being Kicked Off Idol for Hiding Criminal Past

TMZ - Jermaine Jones will be kicked off "American Idol" Wednesday night, after producers learned he concealed the fact that he was arrested twice last year and has outstanding warrants ... TMZ has learned. As we first reported, producers discovered Tuesday that Jermaine had lied about his criminal history and that triggered the decision to confront him on camera Tuesday afternoon. We're told one of the incidents involved violence, which was particularly troublesome to producers. He also lied to cops by giving them fake names both times he was arrested.

First off, if you're following Idol this season and don't want any spoilers, don't read the title to this post or look at the picture above...

But since I'm guessing you've already done both, you might as well follow along as I spin a little tale of an American Idol Conspiracy Theory. 

Yesterday, when I first heard that Idol would be kicking someone off for their criminal past my mind immediately raced as to who it could be. I skipped right over all of the black contestants as years of white guilt have taught me to do (because obviously if I assume that it's the gigantic hulking black guy first, I'm a racist), so I pinned it on one of the older blonde girls, maybe one of them had a crystal meth problem, who knows? 

Wrong. It was Jermaine. And then my mind started turning. "Wait a minute, Jermaine's the one they initially cut, and then brought back to create the "Top 13," even though he sucks." And I mean, really sucks. Sucks so bad that I've fast forwarded after listening to the first 30 seconds of each of his last 3 songs. Yea, it's a nice deep voice, but unless you're singing the theme song to some Disney animated movie, there's just no place for that voice. I couldn't figure out why the judges kept him. 

Until yesterday, it all makes sense now. Feeling pressure from rivals The Voice and Simon Cowell's X-Factor, the Idol producers needed to do something to set themselves apart, and that's exactly what they got here. A chance for a twist and a surprise shake up when they have to send one of their own home for criminal transgressions and outstanding warrants (and Jermaine, if you have outstanding warrants, maybe entering a nationally televised competition isn't the best way to hide yourself). Boom, you've just hijacked the news cycle for at least a week, obliterated the voice, and stolen the "edgy" title from X-factor in one move. 

And you would have gotten away with it scot-free, if it wasn't for this one blogger with a wild imagination. 

RIP, Encyclopedia Britannica

HuffPo - "The Encyclopaedia Britannica", the world's most famous print encyclopedia, has announced that after 244 years in print, it is no longer going to make new physical copies of its flagship publication. The 32-volume, $1,395 edition that the Chicago-based company put out in 2010 was its last; future versions will live entirely online. 

Oh, Encyclopedia Britannica, I hardly knew ye. You came into my life at a very confusing time, old world standards for knowledge were still in high regard, and yet there was this new fangled form of information, the CD-Rom.  

Beg and save as little CW might I never could convince my parents or save up quite enough for the full collection of those beautiful leather bound books from antiquity. Sure after saving like, 10 months of chore money I could have afforded a few off-letters, maybe a Q, a V, and possibly an F or something like that, but I was never getting any of the star letters, the S' and T's, and A,B,C's of the world. Those were out of reach, and frankly, with the welcoming of Encarta's CD-Rom based encyclopedia, unnecessary. 

Our chances for crossing paths never came any closer. Yes, I'm pretty sure my high school had a set from like 1978 hidden in the back somewhere, but by then I'd even ditched Encarta, the internet was everywhere at that point and things would never be the same. 

So long Encyclopedia Britannica, and thanks for the years of knowledge you purportedly contain. I may have never read you, but my intellectual curiosity leads me to such claims as, "I always wanted to read the entire Encyclopedia Britannica collection." You were also my first career aspiration, as nothing seemed higher than door to door Britannica salesman. Families everywhere spurned door to door Mormons and Jehovahs, turning them and their "literature" away, but you always took time to at least listen to the Britannica man, because you knew the wisdom he held.