Happy Festivus, You're Gonna See the Pole

"I find tinsel...distracting"

Happy Festivus everyone! I hope everyone has a fulfilling day, carrying out the feats of strength and the airing of grievances. 

$1 Million Cocaine Bust at Hotel in Peabody...How Come Drug Dealers Don't Stay At Nice Hotels?

Stock Photo for Cocaine, Hilariously Simple

PEABODY (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Three men from out of state were arrested in Peabody on Wednesday for allegedly carrying an estimated $1.1 million worth of cocaine. Peabody Police tell FOX 25 they arrested 38-year-old Jason Grilli, of Laval, Puerto Rico, Valentine Torres, 33, of Juarez, New Mexico, and 27-year-old Gerardo Rodriguez Florez, of Tuscon, Arizona on Wednesday afternoon at the Holiday Inn.

You know what I never understand about these stories? Why the criminals always stay in such mediocre, to sometimes downright shitty, hotels? It doesn't make sense. Every time you hear one of these stories about some unfathomable amount of cocaine or pot being found, with street values in the millions, the drug dealers are always, without question busted in some kind of accommodation that in no way is fitting of such a large scale drug operation.  Like, hey guys, we've got a Park Plaza hotel, right down town. I mean, odds are you're going to be killed or arrested, might as well splurge while you can, right?

Plus, aren't you basically asking for it, staying in these kinds of places? I mean 3-4 Federali's check into some out of the way or run down hotel/motel with way more baggage than they'll need kind of brings to mind the stereotype, you know? Like, I doubt anyone would bat an eye at you guys if you threw on some stunner shades and a designer shirt and checked into the Plaza, or the Omni Parker House, probably think you're some kind of crossover Country-Mexican musical act, breaking through in the States, not a rag-tag bunch of hoodlums peddling copious amounts of cocaine.  I don't know, just a thought, keep it in mind anyway next time you come through.

PS: It really bothers me how we continue to use the metric system for drugs. It just doesn't make sense. We defy all other countries in the world with our American system when it comes to everything but illegal narcotics, catering to drug lords and strongmen because they don't want to do the conversions themselves. Like for once I'd like to read one of these stories and understand just how much drugs we're talking about...11 Kilos? What is that? Like 10 pounds? Help me out.

Occupy Boston Dropping Law Suit Due to Time and Effort Required...There's a Shock

BOSTON (FOX25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Residents of the Occupy Boston encampment have dropped their lawsuit against the city. They say slow-moving litigation wasn't the best way to meet their goals. Earlier this month Occupy Boston sued the city to stop it from dismantling their camp in Dewey Square.

Shock of the year, huh? Who'd have thunk these guys would abandon their grand plans at the FIRST road block that required some actual commitment to doing work? Just blows my mind, I really thought these guys had it in them.

But I guess the warning signs were there, it is the same group of people who were protesting things like, the amount of time it takes to pay down college debt, and the fact that their entry level jobs hadn't given them a pay raise and promotion to the level of CEO after a couple of years. Actually, the more that I think about it, the more I guess this makes total sense.

Of course the other factor could be that after camping out in a tent on a public street for over a month, a couple weeks of indoor heating and showers that aren't shared by the local homeless have softened their stance. I'm guessing a fair amount of them forgot what they were arguing for after experiencing luxury's like Microwaves, hot showers, and television for the first time in a month. Living in their parent's basements probably never seemed so awesome, and all it took was pretending they were homeless for a month to appreciate it.

So long Occupy Boston, and thanks for the blog material, it had been a great couple of months.

Westborough Neighbors Complain About Tacky Christmas Display

WESTBOROUGH (FOX 25/ MyFoxBoston.com) - A Westborough couple is receiving anonymous backlash for having such a large display of Christmas lights. Earlier this week, they found an anonymous letter on their door condemning the lights display. “Do you have any idea how ridiculous, ornate, and tacky all your outside decorations are??” the letter reads. The letter continues by claiming that in this economy the display is a slap in the face to those without jobs or financial stability. It also contains a threatening conclusion, "Please remove a significant amount of decorations, enough to be tasteful and respectful as our other neighbors are. Please do not force us to remove them for you."

First off, there's nothing particularly tacky about that display, I mean, they used white lights, the new standard for the new millenium, couple of trees decorated, a few reindeer, and most importantly of all, only one inflatable light up character. I say most importantly of all, as that's where you should start to draw the line on tacky, if the dispaly is overly weight towards inflatable characters and Santa's that look like lawn gnomes then you've hit tacky, but as far as I'm concerned that's not the case here.

The bigger issue on hand though, is it cool for neighbors to leave notes and be pissed off, if the display is actually tacky, has had me up all night pondering my stance. I've legit lost sleep over it.  On the one hand, I love the houses that go overboard, just load up every piece of junk they've found at the Christmas Tree shop for the last decade and anchor it to the lawn, the front porch, the windows, etc... Sure your house ends up with  glowing haze similar to a Las Vegas, rent by the hour brothel motel, but I really see nothing wrong with being a bit tacky during the Christmas season.  

A Christmas Carol: The Holocaust Meets the Holidays

The last thing I want is a boring Christmas like our forefathers used to put up with...Have you ever seen "A Christmas Carol?" That Christmas was a travashammockery, just dull as shit. People walking around in Top Hats, Tiny Tim walking around with one leg because his peg leg did double duty as the fourth leg of the dinner table, people eating chestnuts, Scrooge sitting infront of some awful soot producing coal furnace making general ledger entries with paper and pencil. Awful. If I were Tiny Tim and the life I had to look forward to looked like that, I'd have off'd myself. Hell, I'd have off'd myself if I were Scrooge, rich as hell or not. No one likes you, again, you have to eat Chestnuts, because that was the thing back then, and you're making accounting entries by hand on Christmas Eve. No Fucking Thanks. Give me tacky, light hearted, 2 fully functional legs and a bowl full of Walnuts any Christmas over that depressing stuff. I'd rather watch Schindlers List on Christmas Eve than ever see A Christmas Carol again.

Right down the street from yours truly.

Now, with all that said, I have to believe that given my nature, if I lived next to an overly tacky display, I'd 100% hate my neighbors guts. Yes, I'd think its cool on Nov 26th, right after they put it up, probably through the first weekend, and yes on the actual day of Christmas, I'd probably appreciate it. But all that time in between? Hate it. Try sleeping off a holiday party hangover with your neighbors glowing lights coming through your window, making you think you're Kramer living next to a Kenny Rogers Roasters. 30 or so days of that is enough to make someone snap...Actually, I'd probably make it through the holidays, I'm not saying I wouldn't be festering some serious anger, I would, but in the spirit of being neighborly and not trying to make things too awkward, I think I could hold it together through Dec 25. But that's it, no more after that. Like, the day after Christmas, if I don't see you making progress in toning down the display, I'd make progress for you. 

So where do I stand? Well, approximately the same place I stood last night at 12 AM when I was trying to go to bed. I like the tacky displays as long as you're not my neighbor, but for this specific case, I think the note writers were way out of line, as there's nothing particularly hokey or Ned Flanders-esqe going on in that yard.

Joe Schmo to Lambo Guy Must Hate His Life

The Thrill Of Victory. The Agony of Defeat. Rarely does one person get to experience such highs and lows within mere hours of each other, but when it happens, the comedown is often all the more painful. Just ask Santaquin, Utah resident David Dopp. The Frito-Lay truck driver won a green Lamborghini Murciélago LP640 Roadster, grand prize in the "Joe Schmo To Lambo" contest operated by Maverik gas stations and teamgive.org last month. Dopp, father of six, was finally presented the car on Saturday afternoon, after which he set about driving it around the neighborhood, giving rides to friends. His elation wouldn't last. Less than six hours after taking delivery of the Lamborghini, Dopp lost control of the 640-horsepower Italian, hopped a curb and spun it into an embankment 75 feet from the road. A witness, Miles Davis (yes, really), said that skid marks were evident on the road and that the car ended up facing the wrong direction. Neither Dopp nor his friend in the passenger seat were injured. Police say the accident was likely "speed-related," although Dopp reportedly says he was only doing 40-50 mph when he lost control of the car on a section of road with a 35-mph speed limit. Dopp maintains he might have hit some black ice or gravel.

The worst. What a disgrace. You didn't even open that thing up, crashed doing 40-50? Guy, a 1988 Toyota Corolla can handle corner going 40-50 mph, what the fuck happened? 

Here's the million dollar question though, does this guy sell the car, or keep it and continue out his average to below average existence (no offense David)? Doesn't sound like the damage should be too bad, just a fender-bender type thing so this should fetch a pretty penny. A quick search shows these things, brand new, and without an accident from some moron driver, fetching about $230k. That's a lot of bags of chips for a Frito Lay driver.

I always find myself debating this when I go to play the McDonald's Monopoly game or those car giveaways that I keep signing my parents up for in the mall, and I always hypothetically say you have to sell it. 

I mean you can't live in some small ranch house in Suburban Utah (actually, can you have a suburb if your whole state looks like a suburb? Like wouldn't Utah as a whole be a suburb of, like Vegas or something? I'm off subject), I'd say sell it and move to one of the real states now that you can afford to.

Elf on a Shelf: The Creepiest New Christmas Tradition I've Ever Heard Of

So Boston.Com ran this story the other day asking readers where they kept their "Elf on a Shelf," and then I started hearing other adults who've already procreated talking about where they're hiding theirs, and I was just sitting there clueless. Like, what the hell people, did I miss out on something vitally important to my childhood? What is this Elf on a Shelf?

Turns out it is the CREEPIEST new Christmas tradition you can possibly think of. Basically parents just playing mental guerilla warfare against their children. Apparently the parents make up some wild story about skeevy looking pixie/elf about how he watches the children from a different vantage point every day, and once the children find him, he disappears for the day, only to reappear the next morning in a special new place. 

NO THANK YOU. Even as an adult, do you know what would happen if someone hung an elf from my ceiling like that picture above? I'd freak the fuck out, probably grab a bat and beat that thing off the ceiling, because here's the thing you're not considering, in the middle of the night if I wake up for water or to take a piss, I'm going to see the shadow of that thing on the wall, and all hell's going to break loose. Nothing is worse than my imagination when I wake up in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning, I swear to god the other night I convinced myself for a solid minute that The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo book on one of our night-tables was a person looking at me. Not even kidding. I would look, close my eyes hoping it went away, and open again, and it was still there. Finally I had to just cover my head for the rest of the night until morning broke and I could make out what it actually was. 

So imagine some elf hanging down James Bond style from my ceiling projecting a huge shadow of a person on one of my walls. Shit would go down. Are kids not pissing themselves when they see this thing at first? Like I've seen pictures of them hidden in fridges, are you kidding me? I open that fridge and I see some goblin guarding the OJ and I'm going to have a heart attack. Probably slam the fridge door shut and keel over right then and there.

Side note, you know what this actually reminds me of? Black Peter. Who is Black Peter? To quote:

Before elves and eight tiny reindeer, St. Nicholas had a much more menacing assistant. Named Black Peter, this companion was the physical opposite of St. Nicholas. Tall and gaunt with a dark beard and hair, Black Peter was associated with the punitive side of Christmas. Traditionally St. Nicholas would hand out presents to good children, while it fell to Black Peter to dole out coal (and sometimes knocks on the head) to children who misbehaved.

Basically Santa's midget slave/enforcer doling out punishment for all the kids on the naughty list, and, I like to think he was the basis for one of my favorite characters in a Christmas movie, ever, Marcus the Elf from Bad Santa:

Jesus Vs. Santa: Battle Rap Showdown for all the Christmas Glory.

"And in the left corner, representing consumers everywhere, wearing Red&White: JOLLY OLD Saint Nick!"

"And in the right corner, representing the gentiles and Abraham, wearing a tunich, Jesus "The Redeemer" Christ"

Lets Go to the Tale of the Tape:

Santa:

Nicknames: Santa Claus, Saint Nicholas, Chris Cringle, Jolly Old Saint Nick.

Posse: Midgets in costumes who build toys and work at the mall part time during the holidays, pack of flying reindeer led by one with a very special genetic defect, and Mrs. Claus

Claim to Fame: Ability to deliver toys to every boy and girl around the world in a single night, noted fan of cookies and milk, somehow squeezes his large ass down chimneys all night long.

Beloved By: Greedy Kids and Simon Mall Owners

Hated By: Big Dradle Manufacturers

Jesus:

Nicknames: JC, Christ The Redeemer, The Son of God, The Chosen One, Lamb of God, Our Lord and Savior.

Posse: The 12 Apostles and a couple of Mary's, Tim Tebow, and God.

Claim to Fame: Walks on water, cured the blind, turned water into wine without fermentation process, rose from the dead.

Beloved By: Practicing Christians everywhere (people 50 years old and up).

Hated By: King Herod,  Pontius Pilate.

The Edge:

Actually, Jesus. I mean, he's got God as his cut-man. Sure Santa has a flare for the dramatics, and he's definitely the more fun guy to be around out of the two, haphazardly tossing gifts out of his magical bag once you get a few milks in him every night, but, again, it's Jesus. I mean he rose from the dead, people, how are you possibly going to knock him out? He's like the original Zombie.

Teacher Throws McDonalds Food Back Through Window With Video

LAKELAND, Florida -- The Polk County Sheriff's Office has arrested a Lakeland teacher for battery after she allegedly threw food at a McDonald's employee. According to investigators, 39-year-old Simone Paolercio was in the drive-thru of a McDonald's on South Florida Avenue Saturday morning when she got into a dispute with the window attendant over her order. They say Paolercio demanded a refund. When the manager refused, she allegedly threw the food through the window, striking the attendant in the face and chest.

The lesson as always...Do not fuck with people's McDonald's. Just don't do it. It never works out in a good way. People are irrationally crazy about their McD's. I can't explain it, science can't explain it, it's just the way it is.

And let me ask this power hungry, McDonald's drive thru manager a question...Was it worth it? Saving the $2.50 her food cost to get covered in soda and cheeseburgers, did you really think that was the right idea? Just fix her fucking order, because here's the thing, the person who took her order over the headset, I guarantee didn't speak English as their first language. Guaranteed. So they fucked it up, like they do roughly 20% of the time, because of the language barrier. Now, we all accept that this is going to happen from time to time. It's part of the deal with going to a fast food drive thru, the quality of food and service sucks, we know that. But we expect any mistakes that we point out to be corrected, and it's really not that difficult, just give me one of the 15 other pre-made burgers you've got just sitting there and I'll be on my way. Don't hassle me for the receipt, don't go over what Juan Pablo Sanchez thought I ordered, just take my word for it and replace my items, that's  all we're looking for.  That's your job as a white shirted employee at McDonald's, fix the mistakes of the non-white shirted employees. If you can't handle that, find another job, or accept that every once in a while, you're going to have a McFlury thrown in your face. 

Stop the Spin Doctors Hate, You Hipster-Douches.

I'd like to take some time to talk to you all today about a grave injustice that I've been noticing as a dangerous, and growing trend...Spin Doctors hate. 

What's the deal people? You can honestly listen to that song, or Little Miss Can't be Wrong, and tell me you didn't find it catchy, didn't bring you back to a simpler time? Bullshit. I don't know why it's become en-vogue to hate on the Spin Doctors, but it's time to cut that shit out, they have feelings too, ya know. Maybe save your misplaced musical hatred for a band that really deserves it, like Nickelback, and the people who support Nickelback.

What it really comes down to is just being a douche. I'm guessing it started with one music critic or Rolling Stones article and the rest of the sheep followed..."Oh, you like the Spin Doctors, I guess I'm just more artistic than you." Bullshit, you've just got a stick up your ass. 

I'm not saying they're musically gifted, I'm not saying I have their albums in my rotation, what I'm saying is that if one of the two aforementioned songs happens to come through my playlist, or get air time on the radio, I'm not turning my nose up and skipping the songs. They're good songs, they're catchy, they're fun. Stop being assholes and admit it. ADMIT IT ALREADY.  It was pop-rock, it had its time and place, and they made two endearing songs. Take it for what it was and move on people. Stop being such Hipster-Douches.