Town Names Mispelled on Haverhill Highway Signs...People Still Can't Pronounce Haverhill

HAVERHILL (AP) - State transportation officials are apologizing for putting up street signs in Haverhill that misspell the names of nearby communities. The signs drop the letter "i'' from Plaistow" N.H. on Route 125, and add a "k'' to Merrimac, Mass. on Route 110. State highway officials believe the signs were recently installed and that spelling errors were made during their manufacture. A department spokesman tells The Eagle-Tribune tape has been used to blank out the "k'' in Merrimack, while the word "Plastow" has been covered entirely until correctly spelled signs can be installed.

Hey Haverhill, you guys kidding with this? A lot of balls for a city that I've legitimately never heard pronounced correctly from anyone outside the area.

 
Further, who's brilliant idea was it to just blank out the signs? In the time between now and when they're replaced, do you really think its better to have a blank sign so no one knows where they're going, over a sign spelled wrong? I'm fairly certain that while I'm bombing down 110, I'll be able to figure out that a sign that says "Plastow" means Plaistow, I'm not exactly going to pull over to the side of the road to consult Tom-Tom on that one, shoot I'm not even sure I'd notice, going 50+ mph down the road, a missing letter or misspelled word isn't exactly going to draw attention.

Shit Girls Say

Of course they could make a "Shit guys Say," and it would probably just include a bunch of grunts, farts, burps, yelling at the tv during sports games, guys holding entire conversations almost directly made up of quotes from popular tv shows and movies, and it would be hilarious...But not one single scene would top this one where the girl is just rifling through her purse.

Ladies...your purses have gotten out of control, have been for a while in fact. Weren't these things invented in the spirit of convenience? Carry a few essentials with you for your day in a bag so that you can wear jeans that make your butts look good? I mean, that was the original deal.  The original deal didn't include taking 5 minutes out of every hour of your day to rifle through that thing like its the junk drawer in my kitchen, breezing past coupons expired from 2 years ago, 4 different chapsticks, a few various trinkets that you bought because they were "so cute," and God knows what else you've got in there, just so you can find your keys or license. The shit has gotten out of control, to the point where I'm shocked that A&E hasn't come up with a new original series, "Purse Hoarders" (TM), and its spinoff, "Purse Animal Hoarders" (I'd TM this too, but I don't think anyone's stealing it anytime soon) for those of you who keep miniature dogs in there too.

Death Penalty Conviction Over Turned Due to Jurors Tweet...Now that's Klout

An Arkansas man has had his death penalty conviction overturned because one juror during his case was tweeting and another juror fell asleep. Twenty-six year old Erickson Dimas-Martinez was found guilty in 2010 of robbing and murdering a 17-year-old boy outside of a party in 2006. During his trial, one juror fell asleep, and another posted to his Twitter account regarding the case. While the tweets did not divulge specific details of the case, the juror went against specific instructions to not discuss the case in any manner, online or off.

If this guy doesn't have the highest Klout score possible, then Klout seriously has to reconsider their ranking formula. Because let me tell you something, a single tweet, deciding the fate, the life or death, of a man, is flat out as baller as it gets.  I'm not saying the results are pleasant, I'm just saying this guys Tweet, held more Klout than any other tweet ever. Even more than when Ashton Kutcher defended that pedofile Sandusky and then pretended he didn't know what was going on in the news even though it was basically impossible to have not heard the story at that point.

I'm over here, thrilled about getting a retweet or two a day, celebrating every time I pick up a follower that doesn't appear to be spam, meanwhile this guys tweet game is so prolific he's undermining the entire justice system. Some guys just got all the juice.

Honduras Enacts Motorcycle Law to Cut Down on Drive By Shootings

BBC - The Honduran Congress has voted to ban motorcyclists from riding with passengers in a bid to curb a spate of drive-by killings. The move follows two high-profile murders this week, both blamed on gunmen on motorbikes. During a session held in private because of security fears, legislators approved a decree limiting the number of people allowed on a motorbike to just one. The measure, which will last for six months, was requested by President Porfirio Lobo, whose government is facing rising crime. 

As much as I rag on our country, its stories like this that remind me that in all seriousness, I'd never live anywhere but America (except Australia, you guys are still my favorite). 

For all the social and economical problems this country has had lately, at least we don't worry about things like Motorcycle laws to cut down on drive by killings. The most my parents had to worry about when I was a kid was maybe yelling at a driver for going to fast in the neighborhood or blowing a stop sign, never once did my dad yell something like "Hey make sure that Uzi's safety is on! This is neighborhood!" And for that, I'm thankful. 

PS: Can you imagine getting this to fly up in New Hampshire? You can't even convince those idiots that wearing a helmet on a motorcycle is in their best interest, never mind taking away their right to fire weapons into crowds while riding.

Thoughts, Observations, and Lessons Learned from a Christmas Weekend in New York

Yes, you read that correctly, I willingly, and of my own accord, took time this weekend to travel south to get the Christmas in NYC experience, for the first time. A sort of pilgrimage for east coast Christians who celebrate and worship the commercialization of Christmas, so sort of like the Muslim's and their Hajj to Mecca. And honestly, it was a worthwhile trip, some ups, some downs, but a good experience all in all. Without further ado, a few thoughts, observations, and lessons learned from the weekend:

- The trip centered around Mid-Town, and specifically Rockefeller Center and Times Square. Given the location, I had two people I really wanted to bump into, 1) the Naked Cowboy, and 2) Tina Fey. Sadly, I saw neither. In fact I didn't see anyone famous, at all. I get the feeling the feeling that famous people avoid the tourist trap that is Mid Town like the plague. 

- But that wasn't the biggest disappointment. The biggest disappointment was being informed that TRL is no longer located in Times Square. I'm not even kidding when I say, I was like a kid in a candy-shop when we entered times square, all prepared to be waving and jumping outside of TRL, trying to catch Carson Daly's eye. Even brought a selection of 3 posters so I'd be ready for whoever the guest was (I assumed Britney, Nsync, and Eminem still take turns appearing on the show). Boy was I the goose. I stood outside cheering at what turned out to be some kind of studio for the Lion King show until I was informed that TRL, and Carson Daly, no longer work there. And just like that, 14 year old CW's dreams were shattered. 

- The tree isn't as disappointing as I'd expected it to be. This isn't to say I haven't seen bigger, I have. But there was something something special about the whole scene. I think it was my affinity for Home Alone 2, to be honest. The whole time I was begging my girlfriend to help me play out the end scene where Kevin is reunited with his mother, sadly we couldn't get the crowd to clear out so I could relive this magical moment (ps, watch that clip, its the only one I could find, and I'm pretty sure the guy bootlegging it is crying at the end, its touching and hilarious). 

- I still haven't been to the Empire State building, I was literally two blocks away at one point, didn't make it. This is killing me inside. I'm obsessed with that building, if my readers were my pyschologist right now, you'd be telling me I'm avoiding it because I'm afraid it can't live up to my expectations, and you'd be right. That's right folks, I'm afraid a building won't live up to my expectations.

- Pretty sure our group was in the background shot of the opening scene of a porn. We were in some trendy bar/social club, they were filming something in the lounge, it started out with some platinum blonde girl with a painted on white dress chatting it up with some brunette chick, and then all of a sudden a guy appeared and schmoozed with the two of them, before leaving to go up to the hotel. The camera men gave some vague answer about it being some Bravo reality show, but it wasn't Millionaire matchmaker and it wasn't any of the real housewives, so I think he was just covering. 

- NYC Cabs SUCK. Worse than Boston. That's a fact. First of all, there's 1000's of them, and getting one to stop is impossible. Secondly, when they do stop, they play every trick in the book. One guy told me he didn't know how to get to Brooklyn, he legit said "do you take the Brooklyn Bridge?" I legit said, "are you fucking kidding me?" and got out. Another asked if I had cash because his meter wasn't working, I told him I see it and its working, he said it doesn't matter, I told him to take a hike. The third, and final one, made it from Mid Town to just over the Brooklyn bridge in about 7 minutes. I was in the front seat fearing for my life the entire ride. 

- The MTA < the MBTA, and that's a fact. They don't have electric boards or loudspeaker announcements at the stations! Its unbelievable. We stood from 1 AM- 2AM waiting for a train to arrive, that was never coming because it wasn't running that night, only the only way you'd know that is if you looked at the 11x11 piece of paper all the way back up stairs, announcing the stoppage in service that night. And it's not like we were the only ones, there was like 25 of us just waiting. Not that the sassy black woman in the booth helped us at all. I get that sitting in a bullet proof booth for the 12 AM- 7 AM shift may not have been your career ambition, but how about not letting 20 people all go down and wait for a FUCKING HOUR in the middle of the night, for a train that is not coming.  I never thought I'd miss the MBTA.

- You probably shouldn't buy tickets to some comedy show from some guy who looks borderline homeless on the street. The tickets were real, but 95% of the show I was cringing instead of laughing. The first 3 guys just made jokes about how they're in their mid 30's and how Pot has ruined their lives. Great, thanks for depressing the fuck out of me. The drink we ordered was made with straight rubbing alcohol, and at one point some French guy got on stage, and his whole act was, I shit you not, saying things like "I'll Tea Bag You So HARD (in french accent)." Traumatizing.

- A 38oz. steak is exactly as big as it sounds. It's also delicious. 

-Anyone that works in an office at Times Square that manages to get anything, is a borderline miracle worker. You'd absolutely find me staring out the window and watching commercials on those brilliant HDTV's all day. 

- Getting out of NYC is still the worst driving experience one can have. It took an hour to exit the city limits, an hour. There is a bridge for just about every exit plan, except for those of us looking to get the hell out of New York and through Connecticut. Build another Bridge and reserve it for Massachusetts drivers only. Please.

Offensive T-Shirts like "Boobies Make Me Smile" Upsetting Parents of Young Kids

Courier Mail - T-Shirts with crude messages have now hit mainstream shopping malls courtesy of the big brands. New-season T-shirts from sports brand Adidas include one emblazoned with a topless girl in a sexy pose. While the Adidas logo covers the girl's nipples, there is an abundance of shirts with exposed nipples and bare bottoms on sale in big-brand stores and online. The Facebook page of the T-Base store at Sunshine Plaza, Maroochydore, features a photo of a boy wearing a "Boobies make me smile" T-shirt, and the store stocks tees with nipple-exposed shots of Kate Moss. Recently 60 of Australia's leading women's and children's advocates, including the Reverend Tim Costello and Australian Childhood Foundation chief executive Joe Tucci, signed an open letter to retailers urging them to stop selling sexualised T-shirts.

Let me ask a question here, are 12-14 year old kids buying their own clothes now? Is this a new thing of a sudden? Because when I was that age, my mom went to Bob's at like 9 AM one August morning, came back at 2 PM, an I had a wardrobe for the whole year. I didn't argue, I sure as shit wasn't going to be wasting prime Wiffleball and Manhunt hours in some retail clothing store. Told her what I wanted, (generally an abundance of t-shirts, windpants, and carpenter style jeans), and off she went.

Given this, I can say with 100% certainty that I wouldn't be walking around town rocking "Boobies Make Me Smile" t-shirts. Sure, Nana would supplement the clothing lineup come Christmas time, but again, the turtlenecks and button downs weren't exactly plastered with naked girl silhouettes. Just your standard cute grandchild apparel. 

The point I'm getting at here, is if you don't want your young child wearing a t-shirt that features the exposed-nipple of Kate Moss, maybe just don't buy it for him. Seems simple enough.

Wake Up with the Dumbest Game Show Contestants Ever, Seriously

Everyone take solace this Christmas season that you're at least smarter than these two birds, and you're probably smarter than a 5th grader, too.

Seriously, though, if there's like, a 6th grade teacher trying to stress the importance of proof reading to their students, this is probably as good of an example as you're going to get...I mean the bloke readily admitted he hadn't seen the movie, and he just went right along with this broads suggestion, didn't even bother to look back at the question...This girl heard "Timberlake," and "award," and immediately ran to Friends with Benefits...Listen sweety, I want to compound your problems here, but the only award that movie is taking home this season is best casual sex related film, over No Strings Attached. I certainly don't think we're going to be seeing Justin and Mila Kunis groping each other all over the stage at the Oscars, seems like the Academy frowns on that kind of thing.

How fast do you think this guy broke up with her? Yea they got the consolation prize of some luxury vacation, but I gotta believe he was trying to pick up hotties in the audience for that trip as soon as the cameras cut. They may say love is forever, but that's really tested when you watch your significant other, literally flush $1.5 million down the shitter.

Chris Paul Traded to the Lak….Wait, NBA Blocks Trade Under New “David Stern Can do Whatever the Fuck he Wants” Clause

Believe me CP3, I don't get it either.

Never fear Alt Tabbers, even without our valiant leader CW's sarcastic take on the daily news on this Friday, I am here to provide at least some distraction from your day in the form of another sports rant, my specialty. Yesterday night, ESPN Breaking news ticker at the bottom of the screen (“breaking news” in ESPN speak usually just means a relevant news tidbit that isn’t about the Heat/ Undefeated Packers/ Brett Favre) sent shockwaves through the entire league, with Chris Paul involved a three team deal sending him to the Celtics arch nemesis, the Lakers, with the writing on the wall pretty evident for additional moves to be made to bring in Dwight Howard. The players involved were either very good or solid and from my perspective, seemed like a reasonable deal for each team with an appropriate degree of positives and negatives. Paul goes to the Lakers to pair his superios point guard abilities with the last of what’s in the tank for Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol goes to the Rockets as essentially Yao Ming’s replacement on a smaller scale, and New Orleans nets a reasonably good haul of talent in Luis Scola (solid scorer and rebounder), Kevin Martin (lethal scorer when healthy) Lamar Odom (despite my dislike for him on many levels, an immensely versatile power forward) and Goran Dragic (young point guard with ability), especially considering Paul had drastically reduced the Hornets trade leverage by publicly stating he would not sign an extension with the team. Yet each team had a degree of risk as well, with the Lakers losing much of their interior defense and resting their hopes on Andrew “Made of Glass” Bynum staying healthy, the Rockets losing a great role player and depth in Scola, and New Orleans has to bring in solid players at the expense of the face of their franchise. All in all, a reasonable trade, right? Enter David “God Complex” Stern (In case you didn’t notice, I really enjoy giving people fake middle names that accentuate either their positive or (mostly) negative attributes.

Yet almost as soon as this deal was consummated, it was just as quickly annihilated by the NBA for “basketball reasons” What in the hell kind of cop of horse shit excuse is that? But hey, if you don’t have a valid foundation for your actions, vague terminology is the way to go. If anything, I would have thought Stern was giggling like a school girl as Paul was shipped to one of the biggest basketball markets in the country, then snuck into Otis Smith’s house with a revolver pressed to his head and demanded that he ship Howard out West for some type of Andrew Bynum/Steve Blake/Other garbage player that meets the salary requirements for a trade. Instead, Stern pulled a complete (to my utter surprise) 180 on this one, despite the precedent of superstars, after bitching or pining to be moved, being traded for quality players just last season (The Deron Williams/Carmelo Anthony deals both netted the superstars former teams effective talent or potential big players, like Danilo Gallinari, Wilson Chandler, and Raymond Felton for the Nuggets and Derrick Favors, Devin Harris and TWO first round picks for the Jazz.)

Stern’s new crusade is apparently to create a more even playing field for all teams in the league and reverse the trend of large market teams dominating year in and year out (because this doesn’t happen in football and baseball…oh wait, it does) due to the formation of “superteams.” In nixing the deal, Stern has apparently sent the absurd message to the ENTIRE LEAGUE that no matter how well you have put together your team, however financially responsible you have been in constructing player contracts, if he does not like a particular transaction, he can arbitrarily rule it null and void. This an egregious policy that rivals current NFL contractual rules that allow agreements to be voided when a franchise decides a player isn’t playing up to their value. Now every single NBA franchise has to walk on eggshells when conducting any trade or signing a player, due to the threat of the Almighty Stern imposing his divine will and nullifying a team’s efforts to improve its ability to compete. I don’t buy his “we need to make the league more fair” argument for a second. Look no further than the SAN ANTONIO SPURS, who drafted well, scouted their players, assembled a roster through smarts and savvy despite not being in a “major” market. Oklahoma City is the current poster child of a small market team also succeeding in the current landscape among the Goliaths of the league. Small market teams, though no graced with the resources of larger markets, shouldn’t need to be catered to be the powers of the league to be competitive. They need to be shrewd, make smart choices, and not destroy themselves with crippling contracts (Example: Atlanta Hawks giving Joe Johnson 120 million dollars over 6 years will just reek of regret in a few years, even if doesn’t already)

This could very well be one of the worst decisions made by a commissioner of a professional sport in recent history. I say that without the slightest trace of sarcasm or hyperbole. Stern has demonstrated, with one single act of all encompassing self interested power, that he considers himself larger than the league he is supposed to be supporting the best interests of. And you know what? It is a damned shame that the league I love has had this immense shadow cast over it due to the overzealous emotional reaction of singularly powerful individual.

The Alt-Tab's Annual Holiday Party Advice Blog

So yea...taking the day off, back in full force Monday, but here's a timely CW classic for you all to enjoy as we are in the thick of Holiday Work Party Season.

 CW's annual office Christmas Party Holiday Party (sorry have to keep it corporate...shit is "Holiday" allowed? Will that offend Jehovahs that don't celebrate anything?  Lets just replace Holiday with "Winter" and Party with "Event", that should cover it) Winter Event!   

Basically the only positive to working in a gigantic corporate office is that events like this have to be held at big restaurants or hotels in order to accomodate everyone, rather than the standard decorate the office and mingle party.  I look forward to it every year, and despite the fun and seemingly care free atmosphere there are some traps you need to avoid to survive the Holiday Party.

1.  Don't be the guy above.  Every year I see some rookie make the same mistake as he presumably did. "Oh there's free drink tickets until 10 pm? Double Fisting Time!" No dude, this isn't college and we're not at your Frats Christmas themed party.  I like the sauce as much as the next guy but getting as much liquor as you can into your system during the open bar period is a horrible rookie mistake.  We literally have one manager who just walks around during the night looking for jackasses that have had too much.  No one is really sure what happens to the few unlucky souls he finds each year, but they're never seen again and their cubes are always packed up and emptied before we get to work the next day.  Don't be that guy. Have a couple, and save the partying for the after party down the road.

2.  There's liquor, music, members of the opposite sex, and usually some dancing.  You will be lulled into thinking this is your regular Friday or Saturday night pick up seen.  This is a mistake.  Though your dance partner may have been throwing you all the signs you usually look for, you must resist.  First off, everyone else is watching and judging.  The older folks will be jealous of your youthful flirting and that jealousy will affect you in the office.  Secondly, God forbid you hit on the wrong person that some middle aged-middle manager who still lives with his mother has had a crush on but is too much of panzy to do anything about it.  You might as well kiss any chance for promotion goodbye. And finally, mainly for the guys, watch out for the sexual harassment claim.  This is still a work event, work rules apply.  Doesn't matter if the liquor has her loosened up, you don't want to come into work tomorrow at 9 AM with a message from HR asking to see you.

3. If you're feeling the affects of that third Long Island Iced Tea, stay away from the big wigs.  You'll be tempted to schmooze and rub elbows with the higher-ups, its one of the few chances a year you have to mingle with the decision makers.  Do you really want their lasting memory of you to be the guy who rambled on in slurring tones about your great ideas to improve the company (most of which probably involve ideas that will allow you to be lazier)?

4. Less of a rule, more of a guideline, try not to show up obviously hungover the next morning.  Everyone's going to be a bit slower moving the next day, its a given, but you don't want to be the guy/gal just sitting at their desk, head propped up by their arm just staring blankly ahead because motion makes you feel sick (yes I'm speaking from personal experience).  It makes you look irresponsible, and even worse it makes you look like a light-weight.  You cannot be labeled a light weight and expect to go on client trips.  75% of a client trip is dining and drinking (20% ass kissing and 5% actual work meetings in case you were wondering).  If management knows that you look like a homeless vagabond the morning after they're never going to send you anywhere.  That said:

5. DO NOT CALL OUT SICK.  I can't stress that enough. Like I said #4 is more of a guideline, not a hard fast rule.  This is the golden rule.  You call out sick you might as well start sending out resumes, because if you're not let go then you at the very least guarantee that you're not looking at a raise or promotion for the next 5 years. 

By the way, don't be shocked if tomorrow is a light day here at the Tabs.  Rule number 4 is a bitch to follow.