Elementary School Removes "Gay" From Deck the Halls

AOL - A Michigan music teacher's decision to censor the word "gay" from a traditional Christmas carol is being met with a frosty response. The teacher, who has not yet been named in any of the published reports, allegedly removed "gay" from "Deck The Halls" after 1st and 2nd grade students kept giggling during preparations for a Christmas concert at Cherry Knoll Elementary School in Traverse City. Instead of the traditional lyric, the students were taught to sing "don we now our bright apparel," according to UpNorthLive.com. The story caught the eye of famed sex columnist Dan Savage, who noted, "Someone had to straighten out that carol--can't have children donning gay apparel." 

And cue a whole class of 1st and 2nd graders now associating "Gay" with something to be censored and looked down upon. Fantastic job teachers. You guys keep doing the good work. Wouldn't want our students to A) Grow up in a tolerant and fostering environment, and B) Understand the actual definition of an English language word. 

Sad thing is, you know exactly what happened here. Some music teacher was having their students sing this song, some immature 2nd grader (I know, right? Grow up kid), probably giggled because he has an older sibling who he'd heard the word from before, and instead of explaining the actual meaning of the word in the context of the song, like your job as an educator requires, the teacher chose to just remove it all together. 

Well newsflash, that doesn't work. This is the real world. They're going to figure out that you changed the lyrics, they're going to know that it's because its a word they shouldn't be saying, and they're going to go right out to the playground and say "gay" at a record pace because its the cool thing to do because adults don't want them to.

So good job there, mission accomplished.

A Tribute to College: A Four Year Blur of Everything Good

College taught me a few things, but "alcohol consumption is fun" was the most vital lesson I ever learned

As my commander in chief so kindly pointed out (edit: bluntly stated) my life is about to undergo a significant transformation. In only a few short hours, gone will be the days of playing Xbox with friends until the wee hours of the night fueled by nothing more than competitive drive to kill more people in Call of Duty and unhealthy levels of caffeine. No longer will I able to skip a class that I deem not important enough to my daily routine, since doing this in the real world apparently results in more severe repercussions beyond not learning whatever useless shit a professor slapped onto a hastily created PowerPoint presentation.

I had a rather cozy view of life beyond college, that I would be able to maintain my recklessly irresponsible lifestyle while maintaining a job that didn't suck the very soul from my body on a daily basis, but as CW aptly points out, as well as the rest of the 20 somethings I know who are festering in a cubicle based, Microsoft Outlook powered prison, this is idealistic to the point of insanity. Very shortly, I will be forced to complete tasks I don't want to do for people I don't like at a speed that is too fast for me. This goes against everything I was taught over the past 4 years, which was that you can do your work in whatever fashion you deemed most acceptable and if you choose to give a fuck about it, good for you. Hell, cracking a beer (or 10) while doing schoolwork wasn't just possible, it was openly encouraged.

Despite the inevitable stranglehold corporate America will have over every facet of my well being, and a blog entry dedicated to how much my life will blow in just a few short weeks/months (time span depends on my ability/luck in finding a real job) I would rather reflect in a positive manner on the good times that college gave me, because as I was told by my elders years ago, these most certainly were the greatest years of my life. I was able to lovingly adopt intramural sports as my competitive outlet, with each game pretending I was playing in a significant sports arena. Flag football became my proverbial situation for pretending I was in the NFL, juking and spinning like Adrian Peterson, only if AP were a white undergrad clumsily attempting athletic manuevers on teams fratboys and former high school "has beens".

People told me the "flexibility" of class schedules in college left you the time to pursue extra curricular activities that would help you in real life. "Flexibility" translated in Sean's language, was "doing whatever the fuck I felt like doing on a given day" 8 A.M. class I actually woke up for and went to? I rewarded myself with a nap. All those school clubs and organizations out in the quad asking me to do useful things for the school? Nah, I'd rather play pick up ball at the gym or snipe the evil Covenant bastards trying to invade Earth in Halo. Mid term tomorrow? Perfect time for a dorm floor war with Axe Body spray, and yes, this most definitely resulted in both the floor smelling like a high school locker room as well as our RA getting monumentally pissed off at everyone involved.

But most importantly, I learned about the immense social bonding power of a substance we all affectionately know as "alcohol." There was no better way to make friends or have a great time than with any variety of beverages. I learned how to play Beirut (and yes, its called fucking beirut. Beer Pong is played with paddles, the movie Beerfest proves this definitively. Jersey kids don't get this fact, and my school is infected with too many of them.) Alcohol was the great X factor that is the hallmark of a college experience. As a result of it, I have my fair share of stories that result in immense triumph and terrible, humiliating shame and you know what? It was all worth it, every single drunken, procrastinating, time wasting, academic slacking second I spent in college. If the rest of my life is going to be a mundane drag through monotonous adult tasks, then I will take solace in the fact that I had 4 awesome years of subsidized "higher education" to have the time of my life. Thank you college, You might be gone from my life, but I will never forget you. Well, I do forget significant portions of most weekends due to the over consumption of an aforementioned substance, but you get the point.

Radio Station Ratings Double When they Switch to Christmas Music...People Are Simple

More and more radio channels have been switching their formats to all Christmas, all the time -- a consistent winner for radio even during a brutal 2008-2009 revenue downturn, which ended last year when the U.S. radio industry took in $20.1 billion, up 8 percent from the previous year. Arbitron says it's not unusual for ratings to double once a channel makes the temporary switch to Christmas music. KOST-FM in Los Angeles, for example, saw its share rise from 4.6 to 9.2 last year after it switched, and WLTW-FM in New York jumped from 6.0 to 12.3.

First off, let it be known that I'm not a fan of Christmas music, outside of the classic Alvin and the Chipmunks album. They're just so talented.  But the rest of it, I find irritating. Michael Buble? Come on people, the guy is an imitation artist. Josh Groban? Snooze fest. Mariah Carey Christmas? Still crazy. Justin Bieber? Biggest phony on earth, and hopefully soon people realize that.

With that said, you can imagine how I feel when I jump in the car and my standard presets have changed to Christmas music. I find nothing, NOTHING, more upsetting than when this happens. It's just the clearest sign we have that as a society, we're a really simple people. Just because of the month of the year, everyone's musical tastes change, from whatever you were into before, to just tacky lyrics, cheap melodies, and bells ringing. Its ridiculous. It's like cheating for the radio stations, pandering at its finest. I mean, if you want to win that way, fine, but I prefer you have some dignity and respect and not sell out. 

Take me for example, I'd rather toil away in relative obscurity, than make one simple change to the name of this blog and call it The X-Alt-Tab, or iAlt-Tab, and see the hits come rolling in. Just wouldn't feel right, I like to treat you like you're all a bit more intelligent than that. I don't need to be copying the extreme dorritos trend, or the business plan where you put "i" in front of something and it becomes wildly successful. It just wouldn't seem fair.Call me crazy, but I guess I just have more standards than that.

Seany Mo, Blogging Protege, Is About to Join the Real World...Sucks for You

Welcome to the real world Seany...The real, awful, not nearly as much fun as the life you're leaving world. 

Poor kid probably has no idea what he's getting himself into. Looking back I can't fathom why I would have left college, I saw Van Wilder, I saw how awesome his life was (I choose not to acknowledge the last 30 mins, preferring to believe he kept up his partying ways for the rest of his life), and I still made the mistake of assuming that chasing pay checks and health insurance would be more fun than sleeping late and beer funnels. HUGE mistake.  Literally every facet of life after graduating college is worse.

How You Measure Yourself - Grades vs. Raises. At least grades were based on your knowledge and amount of effort put in. If you believe raises and promotions are based solely on that you're A) Living in a fantasy land, and B) probably not going anywhere anytime soon. Its a rat race in the purest sense. It's not good enough to do good work, you have to point out that you did good work, and point out that others work, for lack of a better word, sucked. But you have to do it subtedly, less you become the office brown nose. 

Sleeping Habits - Basically breaks down to Sleeping a lot, versus not sleeping a lot. Guess which one is better? 

Clothing Attire - Sweat pants and hoodies, casual 98% of the time, vs. Shopping at Kohls or overpaying at Express for clothes  you wouldn't have even considered wearing 2 years ago. Look, dressing up and looking snazzy once in a while is fun. Wearing a corporate clone uniform day in and day out? Sucks balls. 

Living Conditions: Subsidized dorm/Apartment and deferred Tuition, vs. Rent, vs. Parents Basement. Again, guess which one wins? Rent and you'll be broke for at least 6 months while you figure out how to balance your budget like a big boy, live in you parents basement and, well, you're living in your parents basement...Probably commenting on message boards, and pirating copious amounts of porn. 

Video Game Situation - Playing Xbox (FIFA or COD) until 2 AM vs. Slowly phasing out Xbox all together. That's right, eventually you'll widdle yourself down to where I am, my Xbox has had the ring of death for 2 years now, don't even miss it anymore. It's sad, but I'm too busy doing things like buying gallons of milk, and balancing my checking account. Good god kill me now.

The Summer Situation - Kiss it goodbye. Summers working vs. Summers off is the definition of no contest. And having some crummy internship or summer job doesn't count, the difference between a summer job and a real job is literally the difference between training wheels and no training wheels. Once you take that job for real, things like showing up to work with a blinding hangover aren't laughed of because "he's just a college kid," anymore. You're instantly expected to transform your work/living habits to that of a 40 year old  who eats bran cereal for breakfast to keep himself regular. It's a lot of fun.

So good luck Seany, hope this little pep talk really got you excited about your changing life...

Guy With Mullet Whistling on TV: I'm not First? Oh, Shit

Did I do it? Did I beat every other blog on earth to posting this video this morning? No, ok. Keep trying I guess.

I feel like for the better part of the late 80's and early 90's, we were all pretty much redneck hicks. There's nothing wrong with this guys fashion sense, it was just the in trend...I mean look at the crowd, I'm pretty sure at 1:14 mark you see the model for Bounty Paper Towels just chilling in the crowd. Every kid in there looks like they were dressed from the Salvation Army, when really that was just the fall of 1990's hottest look from Bugle Boy. I've looked at old family photos from the 1985-1991 time period, and you'd swear my Dad and Uncles were having some kind of Cousin Eddie look-a-like contest at the family BBQ. Simply put, we were a rag-tag country for those few years, and this guys whistling gave us all hope.

And I'll say one thing, the guy, despite all appearances to the contrary, is a consumate professional. Got up there and did his thing for 2:30 minutes, even with the lady running the whole show not offering the dude water before he started. Not to mention the fact that the set was literally falling apart at the end of the video. Just a true professional in every sense of the word.

PS: for an absolute hick, this guy must have had a surprisingly good dental plan.

Double PS: I've just now spotted my favorite person in the crowd, and its this dude:

I see you, looking all, Colonel Sanders meets Studio 54. Play on playa.

Latest Smoking Health Scare: Women's Nipples Just Falling Off

CNN - I cringe every time I see a patient for a breast lift who is a smoker. I’m deathly afraid that despite my warnings, she will smoke before or after surgery and cause her nipples to turn black and fall off.Yes. Smokers who undergo breast lifts are at great risk of losing their nipples. I’ve seen it before.

It has boggled my mind for years now why people still smoke, yes I understand that it's addictive, but exactly how week willed are you people? Cancer, smelling fucking gross, looking gross, emphysema, probably gout, grossest teeth imaginable, heart disease, wasting money, standing outside in the rain and cold weather, and now, blackened and detached nipples.  How is it worth it? How is sucking on a piece of paper with some burnt leaves worth it?  You guys are retarded. Sorry to be blunt, but you're retarded. If nipples falling off doesn't get you to be like "whoa, this might not be the best thing for me, I should quit," then you should probably just be removed from society, because frankly, you're holding us a species back.

Sincerely,

Non-Smokers who think you're Retarded.

Bathroom at My Office is like Grand Central Station at 11 AM

It's to the point where I'd be better off moving my desk to the shitter, ala Dwight.

It's like all the guys in my office's bowel movements have synched up the way women's menstrual cycles do in dorms and when they live together, its just bizarro stuff. We're talking packed, every stall taken, people just leaning on the walls waiting (which I've never understood, there's like 5 bathrooms per floor, but you'll choose to stand there and waft the fresh smell of turd over walking 2 minutes down the hall) for an opening. 

And the thing is, it's not like I even have to take a shit most days, I just happen to schedule one of my blogs to post at 11 AM each day, I'm really only there to post it on twitter and make sure everything got up ok. Can't a guy blog and tweet on the shitter at work in peace? Is that too much to ask? 

And yes, I could easily just change the schedule, maybe post at 11:30 instead, but then I'd be going to the shitter twice in the span of an hour, because I always go for a quick 12:15 break to the handicap stall to check up on Barstool, and see if anyone tweeted at me to increase my Klout score and check the Facebook feed. So you can see the dilemma from my end. A fixed amount of bathroom trips necessary to run the blog, and a pack of synched up bowels all dumping out and fixed points in time during the day. 

PS: Yes, I posted this at 11 AM. I'm a stubborn creature of habit.

Latest Briliant Idea from the Post Office: Slower Mail, to Save the Business.

Fox News - The U.S. Postal Service, having lost 29 percent of its first-class mail volume in the last decade, will slow its delivery service beginning next spring -- the first time in 40 years -- in an effort to eliminate nearly $3 billion in costs for the cash-strapped agency. "We have to do this in order for the Postal Service to become financially viable," said David E. Williams, vice president of network operations for USPS, who noted Monday that the organization expects to have a $14 billion debt this year.

Hey, why stop there? Why not sell the fleet of ridiculous looking trucks and go out and purchase a pony for every delivery man, really get back to your roots.

This has to be the most ass-backward business plan I've ever heard. The first time anyone has ever, with a straight face, proposed to make their business WORSE, in hopes of making it more fiscally solvent. 

It's almost as if they put no thought whatsoever into this plan. Do they honestly think the few remaining people using the mail for things like, bills, and waste of money holiday cards, are going to continue using the mail service now that it's going to take a fortnight for grandmas card and her $20 bill to reach its destination? Hell no, Grandma, get on Paypal, send those funds electronically.  By the same token, no one is going to be sitting there with a calendar and an abacus trying to figure out how early they have to send out this months car payment so it reaches them on time, the last remaining bills will be switched to on-line bill pay. 

Why can't we just call a spade a spade? The Post Office is a miserably failing business with wayyyy too much overhead. The fact that a company could lose $14 BILLION in one year, all while simply delivering pieces of paper door to door, is astounding. Guys, as a 10-15 year old kid, I had a paper route, 45 houses every day, all it cost me was a new tire for my Huffy every 6 months or so. I don't have some ridiculous pension, didn't have benefits, nor should I have. I was going door to door putting things into peoples mail boxes, it's not exactly the kind of gig you'd think should be union and pension worthy. Just cancel the post office, save us all a lot of money in taxes, and let neighborhood kids deliver the mail. It's pretty simple.

New Website Lets Parents Rent Toys for their Kids, Like the Netflix of Toys

This is the best, worst idea I've ever heard of. Ever.

Best, because as a kid I would have absolutely demanded a 4-piece battalion set of Nerf Guns and me and my friends would have staged an absolute guerrilla war in my basement the likes of which people haven't seen since 'Nam. It finally would have been as fun as those commercials always make it out to be. Everyone has a gun with like 20 rounds of ammunition, none of that fire 4 darts and then have to go scour under the couch to pick it up shit. Just pure crossfire at its best.

The worst idea because I'd 100% be shipping things back broken or missing pieces. You're talking about kids, the most destructive force known to Earth. I don't think I had a toy from childhood that wasn't Jerry-rigged together with rubber bands and tape after a few weeks. We, as children, are just a violent breed, plain and simple. 

Second reason its the worst idea? Be prepared for your kids to absolutely HATE you for a couple of weeks after you ship their new favorite toy back to the internet. I can't think of a more traumatizing thing as a child. Like "Hey Johnny, glad you've enjoyed playing with this Thomas the Tank Engine set, but the people of the World Wide Web need it back. Don't worry though, they're sending Percy next." Percy sucks.  All green, not cute like Thomas. I would throw a two week temper-tantrum if that ever happened to me. You don't mess with a kid and his toys.  I once ordered a set of 3-D sun glasses from a cereal box, saved up my 3 UPC's, mailed them in, and never got the glasses.  I held a grudge against that mailman all summer long. Setting boobie traps along the side walk, leaving gross shit in the mailbox for him to stick his hand into, and straight up mean mugging him from my stoop. Like I said, you do not mess with a kids toys.