Completely Out of Place Girl Dancing At UNC Football Game, Boyfriend at Fault

Unathletic - I don’t even know this chick, but I know I would run straight into traffic if I was dating her. A. she’s dancing to Enrique Iglesias at a UNC football game B. She’s putting that little pom-pom in the dude’s face every two seconds… Alright, maybe it’s not that bad, but I’m not feeling it. 

That boyfriend is in a world of embarrassment...a world of embarrassment. Yea I know he tried to join in at the end, halfheartedly moving his hips around and raising his hands up, but you gotta see that for what it is, a last ditch effort to save some kind of face.  I mean he basically can't sit in that section again, and it's all his fault too, I don't blame the chic one bit, that's just what college chicks do, dance, act like floozies, and yell things like "wooo."

As the boyfriend, when you go to pick up your best girl for a UNC football game, knowing that everyone is going to be in white and baby blue, and you see this floozy coming out in a brown full length sundress it is your duty to do one of two things; 1) Tell her, don't ask, tell her that she's has to go back inside and change (knowing girls, she'll secretly relish the chance to try on more clothes even if she gives you attitude about it), 2) Leave tread marks and don't ever come back.  

I mean, its a UNC football game. She presumably either goes to school there, or lives in the area. She obviously knows the deal, you don't show up to these things in civies, it's a complete power move to see if the boyfriend has balls enough to take charge or not. In this case, not. Good luck being walked all over for the rest of this relationship buddy. She's probably out banging players on the basketball team right now while you make plans to buy her dinner tonight.

President Obama Taking Wildlife Tour in New Jersey

NYMAG - On Sunday, President Obama toured Wayne, New Jersey, to lend his support and sympathy in the aftermath of Hurricane Irene. Here, Obama is shown talking to a Wayne resident, who, hurricane devastation notwithstanding, probably should have at least put on a shirt before having a conversation with the president. 

Something tells me this guys attire has nothing to do with the hurricane, this is just the way he greets everyone.

You think Obama unbuttoned the top button or two to try and fit in? I mean the guy caters to everyone elses preferences all the time, why not go straight up white trash like these two? I see the cuffs rolled but I just don't think that's far enough.  If these guys were Tea Party House members you'd see Obama in a beater with shades on, sipping on a goose and juice, Michelle right next to him, hair in a poof, short skirt hugging her ass. 

Stay classy NJ.

A 3 Part Break Down for Potential Current NBA Jam Teams? Awesome

Any guy who had a childhood worth remembering indulged in the greatness that was NBA Jam.  It was a sports video game with such simplicity; 2 on 2 basketball, no fouls, and dunking in all formats was strongly encouraged.  Picking your duo and mashing your fingers on the controller against your friends for ultimate supremacy is a nostalgic moment that many of us remember fondly.  Since I miss both my childhood and the NBA, I decided to do an interesting spin on both: The creation of NBA Jam: The Next Generation Rosters.  Yeah, I know they did a re-make of the game, but it’s mere existence is an insult to it’s much more exalted 16 bit counterpart, so I pretend like it was never made.  However, there are two important stipulations that make these rosters much more interesting

Stumbled across this beauty of a series yesterday and was thoroughly impressed. Frankly, I'm not sure anyone has ever spent this much time contemplating and entirely fictional sequel to a classic video game, which, coincidentally already has a sequel, only it failed horribly to recapture the magic from its glory days. 

I'm not going to give you the rankings or anything, don't want any spoilers, so check out 30-21, 20-11, and 10-1 if you want to see the entire lists, suffice to say its one of the most complete blog posts I've seen in a while, much more thorough than anything I throw together during my breakfast/blogging brainstorm and final draft 30 mins each morning. This is the kind of blogger I need working here, someone to work on the big picture items while I toil away with my usual posts.

That said, I'm rather disappointed that no where in this 3 part Epic were any bonus players you could unlock mentioned.  I mean that was a huge part to the original NBA Jam. Seems like a pretty drastic oversight for an otherwise fantastic blog.

My top three I'd like to see as hidden bonus players, couple of rules, 1) no current players, 2) You're seeing them in their absolute prime:

1. POTUS Obama - This is pretty obvious, dude has already balled with UNC, makes his Final Four picks on Sportscenter each year, and to be blunt, seems more concerned with perfecting his J than with our nation's economy.

2. Anfernee Hardaway - I just want to see him in his prime, pre-knee blowout, one more time.  This is a selfish pick that presumably no one will agree with, but no player captured pre-puberty CW's imagination more than Penny. Just ahead of his time in every facet of the game, even when it came to Puppet based shoe commercials. I mean come on Lebron, Kobe, guys couldn't even get your own advertising schtick? 

3. Jaleel White - Who? Yea, that's right, Urkel.  Dude was always, and I mean always a part of the celebrity shootout/all-star game when I was growing up.  Biebs' game got shit on my man Urkel back in the day, and I want, nay, need, to see how it translates into video game land...a part of me feels like my youth was robbed not getting to see Urkel throw down on Ronny Seikly, and Detlef Schrempf in 16-bit glory. Even give him his own script after dunks and shit, after catching fire just have him saying "Did I do that?" after every half court three pointer.  I'm going to be honest, I'm getting turned on just thinking about it, probably best to wrap this thing up now.

How Do I Get Sick on Literally the First Day of Fall

Are you freaking kidding me here? September 6th, day after Labor Day and I roll into work with the first cold of the season (and for any smart asses that claim fall starts Sept 21st, you're wrong. I go by the American Holiday schedule, not some calendar based on charting the moon and Mayan rituals, I'm a bit more advanced than that).  I legit rolled into work yesterday, throat so scratchy you'd swear I smoke a pack a day, nose flowing worse than the rivers of Vermont, shoulders and chest all achy.  Its the fucking worst. If there was a way to just straight up boycott the fall I'd be the first to sign that petition. The lady at Target last night must've thought I was either dying of some undiagnosed plague or starting my own meth lab with my assortment of check out items; The standard Nyquil/Dayquil combo, Vitamin C drops, Zicam Tablets, and some Berry-Blast Tums, just because they're good to have around.  Was it overkill? Nope. Not in the least, its the first cold of the Fall, my signal to hoard various medicines Armageddon style and retreat into my bunker.

Anyone that's followed the Tab from it's inception already knows how I feel about the Tab, but since that is probably like 4 people, it might be worth re-posting my "I Hate the Fall" Manifesto from last year:

Sneaks up on me every year before I know it, summer and it's carefree, easy going dress code is replaced by heavy sweaters, jackets pants, and worst of all, Uggs.  And it means winter is right around the corner. 

At least winter is honest though, you know what you're going to get.  Fall is my least favorite season for many reasons, but mainly because its dishonest.  The weather fluctuates from raw and wet to windy and freezing, random sunny warm days that remind you of summer just long enough to get your hopes up before they are dashed away by a freak snow storm.  All the inconsistent weather inevitably leads to the first round of office colds that spready like the plague from cube to cube. These never clear up until the spring.  Just when you're feeling healthy it creeps around the corner and spreads through your portion of the office again like the wave coming back around at a baseball game.

While some of you are quick to point out the beauty of the fall and the changing of the leaves, I counter that the leaves are just dying and you'll soon enough be raking and dropping the bagged leaves off at the dump.  Apple Picking?  Sure it was fun when I was a kid, and is probably still enjoyable if you have kids, but I prefer to do my apple picking at the grocery store now.  Just made a trip last weekend, took pictures of me picking them out and everything just for nostalgias sake. 

Outside of Thanksgiving and football season there are really no redeeming qualitites to this season, and thats why fall sucks.

Dog Saves Grafton Owner From Fire/Barstool Sports Ad-Lib Blog Post

GRAFTON (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - A dog in Grafton turned out to be one woman's best friend. The little guy got kudos for saving his owner from a house fire. The Grafton Patch reports Alison Keen woke up around 7 a.m. Monday when her dog, Chance, would not stop barking. That's when she found smoke pouring out of her basement. She and Chance ran out of the house and she called firefighters before the smoke detectors went off. The fire caused about $25,000 in damage, but Keen tells the Patch that she is just happy both she and Chance got out safely.

Look, I love Barstool, and sweat El Pres, he's at least 4x the blogger I am, but these dogs posts are just about the laziest space filling posts they got. I love dogs  too, not one of those mentally unstable cat people, but its getting to the point where I'm pretty sure Pres is just ad-libbing and filling in the blanks on some kind of "Dogs are awesome" template. Let's take a look at today's story:

See, this is why dogs are the adjective superlative. They got your back 24 hours a day, you aint dying on their watch. You think some derrogatory adjective cat would've done this? Fuck no. Cat would've probably action that would cause greater harm given the circumstances and add "or some shit", while you burned to death. Fucking cats. 

Ok, so what did everyone fill in? Mine looks like this:

See, this is why dogs are the fucking best.  They got your back 24 hours a day, you aint dying on their watch. You think some bitch-ass cat would've done this? Fuck no. Cat would've probably been taking nap next to the gas can and matches, or muffling the fire alarm, or some shit, while you burn to death. Fucking cats. 

Illegal Immigrant Tricked Out of Winning the Lottery to be Awarded Anyway

Fox News- An illegal immigrant allegedly swindled out of his $3 million lottery jackpot win will finally collect his prize, the Daily Mail reports. The man won the jackpot after purchasing a lottery scratch card at N&K Quick Pick in Spring Valley, N.Y., on Feb. 3. Three of the store's workers had allegedly tricked the man by telling him he'd be deported if he tried to collect his winnings. "When he presented the ticket, they scared the hell out of him," Rockland County District Attorney Thomas Zugibe told the Daily Mail. Atif Ali, 22, Riaz Khan, 45, and Mubeen Ashraf, 22, tried to convince the man that he should name them all as co-purchasers, according to prosecutors. The three then allegedly claimed the money and cut the man out of the deal, the website reports. Zugibe told the website that the man is entitled to cash in on the prize even though he is an undocumented immigrant.

Question, is he getting deported along with those winnings? Should be right, I mean he's still an illegal immigrant, a newly rich one, but an illegal one at that.  Like hey, here's $3 million dollars, now have fun finding a way to spend that in rural Mexico while fending off drug lords. 

And since when did lying for profit become such a looked down upon skill? Like these 3 entrepeneuring convenience store employees found a loophole and took advantage of it...is that so wrong? I mean people have been doing that for centuries in America, we used to name buildings, schools, and libraries after the likes of the Carnegies, Kennedys, and Rockefellers, you're trying to tell me these guys didn't cut a corner, or sneak through a loophole or two on their way to the top? Please.  If our economy is ever going to recover we need to get back to the cutthroat, every man for himself, profit chasing of yesteryear, and we can start by making sure these three convenience store clerks get all the money that is rightfully theirs.

Shocking News: The Magical Practice of Dry Cleaning Involves Extremely Dangerous Toxins and Chemicals

WASHINGTON - Like many other memorable science fair projects, it began with a startlingly simple idea: Find out what chemicals remain in dry-cleaned clothing. So the Arlington, Va., high school sophomore went online. She e-mailed three or four chemistry professors across the country, asking for help. Only Paul Roepe, then-chairman of Georgetown University’s chemistry department, seemed intrigued. He took on the research “for fun,’’ he said. But that prompted a chain reaction in the university lab: an e-mail exchange, an invitation to collaborate and, last month, a paper published online in a peer-reviewed environmental journal. The paper gives new details about the amount of a toxic chemical that lingers in clothing after it is dry-cleaned. The research team found that perchloroethylene, a solvent linked to cancer and neurological damage, stayed in the fabrics and that levels increased with repeat cleanings, particularly in wool. The study was published online in Environmental Toxicology and Chemistry. Between 65 and 70 percent of the country’s estimated 25,000 dry cleaning facilities use the solvent, known as PCE or perc, industry representatives said. Government regulations and voluntary industry guidelines exist for atmospheric concentrations in the workplace, and there has been a long-running fight between environmentalists and the federal government over how quickly the chemical should be phased out for dry cleaners.

First of all, this kid better have gotten an A, I mean most students just mail it in for their science projects, like the time my friend Penny Packer pretended to test the hypothesis of whether  a basketball would bounce higher inflated or deflated (yes I'll mention that every change I get).

Second of all, I know this is the first time anyone has ever studied this, but I mean, what did you think they were doing back there with your clothes? There were basically two options, either A) They weren't doing anything, just spraying a little febreeze and telling you they cleaned the clothes, or B) Using harmful chemicals that magically clean your clothes without the use of water, but have side effects that may cause cancer.  

I mean, you had to know that, right?  These people aren't miracle workers, there aren't teams of underage Chinese kids out back beating the stink out of  your clothes with magical sticks, they're obviously using chemicals, and besides, everything causes cancer these days, the cup of coffee I just drank will probably cause cancer, might as well have clean looking and smelling clothes at least...

Labor Day Weekend in Dracut at The Boathouse

How does an aspiring media mogul, potential Tony Award winning off-broadway accredited writer, and all all around man of class spend his Sunday night of Labor Day weekend?  Why at the Boathouse in Dracut of course, only the worlds biggest shit-hole of a bar.

Actually, shit-hole doesn't quite do this place justice. There are dive bars, shit-holes, and potentially murderous shit holes beloved by the lowest dregs acceptable in our society...That's the Boathouse crowd, no joke. Even now, reading that back, I'm not sure it's worded strongly enough, but it'll have to do, because how else do you describe a place inhabited by likely murder suspects, black mold, and asbestos?

The staff was literally changing out the air filters in the ceiling vents at 11:45 pm in a fairly packed bar, and our table seemed to be the only people thrown by this, like the regulars were like "oh, the air quality level must've just gotten to a dangerous level again" (which would explain the scratch in my throat and nasal issues I'm experiencing two days later).  

There were dudes dancing in cut-off shirts and logger boots, an un-ending stream of bros wearing socks with sandals, some guy wearing a knock-off Ed Hardy shirt just dominating the Karaoke machine (and by dominating I mean just screaming heavy metal songs as loud as he could while his legions of lackeys, 2 people, stood watching in admiration), and a dance pole so filthy that one of the regulars told us they don't usually touch it without gloves on.

To top off all the weirdness our DJ in charge of our entertainment for the night, a 270 pound man with a shaved head and goatee, bumped out an impressive array of top 40 hits, sprinkled with the occasional death metal song, the guy was actually a sweet heart with a fairly soothing voice, easily the only bright spot in the place.  

Needless to say the only way I'm ever returning to this gateway to hell is to burn it down, though I have to admit, their entertainment calendar is pretty compelling, I mean, Wednesday night is Buckhunter Challenge night, how do you say no to that?

French Authorities Struggling to Get Dangerous Post-It Note War Under Wraps

(NewsCore) - As far as management problems go it's become the stickiest labour issue of the French summer. The latest creation, a huge six storey representation of Asterix and Obelix, appeared on the windows offices of Societe Generale, the bank, in La Defense business district west of Paris last week. Fifty employees stuck 9,000 notes of eight different colors on the windows to create what is being touted as the greatest example of Post-It art ever, The (London) Times reported. The production was a response to a design on the windows of GdF-Suez, the energy giant, in the building opposite. This involved 3,500 notes to represent Tintin and the rocket he used in the comic book "Destination Moon." "The difficult thing was not so much to stick the Post-Its to the windows as to get everyone to agree on the project and then to design the matrix on a computer," said one of the Gdf-Suez artistes. He spoke to The (London) Times using his nickname, Fanfan, out of fear that managers would take disciplinary action against him if they discovered his true identity. "The atmosphere is quite hostile and our bosses would probably like us to stop, although at the same time they are reluctant to order us to take the works down."

Is France serious? This is some kind of practical joke, right? Like self depreciating humor, just making fun of themselves for always being pussies, pretending to be unable to stop the daring and dangerous members of this post-it note war?

Like this guy speaking to the London Times using a nickname out of fear...umm, who cares if you don't know his name. The guy just organized stories tall murals of Nintendo characters, using only post-it notes...I'm pretty sure someone had to see this going down, its not exactly something you can just sneak in on an abandoned floor during your lunch break...shit must have taken hours with countless helpers.  You just can't be that covert carrying around hundreds of thousands of post-it pads, there's just no other reason you'd need to be in possession of all those notes.

It's to the point where I'm wondering if I need to move over to France, I feel like I'd have the run of the mill, could probably be the head of their secret service within a week, plus I'd get away with all the hijinks and shenanigans I could think of and would never have to worry about the Frogs connecting it to me.