Man Super Glues his Ass To Walmart Toilet, Has the Gall to Call for Help.

(CNN) -- Police in Maryland are on the hunt for the perpetrator of what appears to be an April Fools' Day prank that left a man glued to a toilet at a Wal-Mart store...Police, along with the Singerly Fire Co. and the Cecil County paramedics, were called to the scene at about 7 p.m. There, they found the 48-year-old victim, who called for help after realizing the sticky situation he was in when he tried -- and failed -- to stand up and leave the superstore's restroom, Donnelly said. It took responders 15 minutes to remove the victim from the stall, but they were unable to disconnect the toilet seat from his body, Donnelly said. Instead, the victim was taken to Union Hospital of Cecil County, where the seat was detached. He left with only minor injuries to his buttocks, Donnelly said.


No shit, I'd die in that bathroom before I called for help. I've seen Something About Mary, I don't need the firemen and policemen calling all their friends down to Walmart to check out the schmuck who glued his ass to the toilet seat.  That shit is humiliating for the following three reasons:

1. Congrats, you're officially the most unsanitary motherfucker on earth. Gross as shit doesn't even begin to describe your stank ass. Not only are you admitting that you didn't even bother to use one of those sanitary protection sheets, you didnt' even check if the previous person sprayed piss all over the seat before sitting down.  You lucked out that it was super glue.  Could have just as easily been some kids disease riddled stagnant urine you were bathing in.  Who the hell does that?

2. Cops, firemen, Walmart employees and all the disgusting people hanging out at Walmart in the middle afternoon are all stareing at your junk. There's 0 chance this guy found a way to pull up his pants with the lid attached to his keyster, 0.  So now you're parading through Walmart with half a shitter attached to your ass and your junk on display for everyone to see.  I thought poor Ted above had it bad.  "Attention Walmart Shoppers, Needle Dick on display in aisle 9."

3. There is no way you had the wherewithal to flush the toilet before calling for help, and you certainly couldn't have wiped.  And I'm going to assume the fact that you were using a toilet in Walmart means this was an emergency along the lines of explosive diarrhea. 

So the picture we've just painted is a stank-ass, unsanitary man, completely unafraid of toilet-transmitted sexual diseases, walking bare ass and johnson through a department store with dingle berries clinging to his cheeks.

Yea, I'd most certainly rather lock the door and die on that toilet.

Gadhafi Writes Letter to Obama "Don't Bomb Me Bro."

MSNBC - In a rambling, three-page letter to Obama obtained Wednesday by The Associated Press, Gadhafi implored Obama to stop the NATO-led air campaign, which the Libyan called an "unjust war against a small people of a developing country."  "To serving world peace ... Friendship between our peoples ... and for the sake of economic, and security cooperation against terror, you are in a position to keep Nato off the Libyan affair for good," Gadhafi wrote. Addressing Obama as "our son" and "excellency," the letter was composed in formal but stilted English, and includes numerous spelling and grammatical errors..."Our dear son, Excellency, Baraka Hussein Abu oumama, your intervention is the name of the U.S.A. is a must, so that Nato would withdraw finally from the Libyan affair," Gadhafi wrote. "Libya should be left to Libyans within the African union frame."

Gadhafi must take Obama for an absolute simpleton, playing the oldest childhood trick in the book here.  This is the same move you pulled when you were wrestling or fighting as a child and called a time out, only it was really a ruse to get your opponent to let their guard down.  

I see you Gadhafi Duck, asking for a break, probably doubled over hands on your knees pretending to be out of breath.  But we're not that dumb.  We're not going to ease up only to allow a free shot to the nuts.  Not happening here. Even with NATO and their peacekeeping hippies running the show we're not falling for that one.  It's not like we have a bunch of 6 year olds on staff who haven't been in a war before (unless the French are somehow involved, they'd totally fall for a trick like this).  

PS: How about cleaning up  your grammar bro? I realize English might not be your first language but have you ever heard of Alta-Vista? Got me through 4 years of college Spanish, I'm sure it could translate your mumbo-jumbo to English better than whatever 3rd World pocket dictionary you used.

Mayor Menino Looks to Ban All Sugary Drinks From Boston Property...Seals Fate for Next Election

The picture of health.

Boston Globe - Saying that sugary drinks have caused rising obesity among city residents and driven up health care costs, Boston Mayor Thomas M. Menino today moved to ban the sale, advertising, and promotion of the drinks on all city property. "I want to create a civic environment that makes the healthier choice the easier choice in people's lives, whether it's schools, worksites, or other places in the community," Menino said in a statement.


Cut the shit tubby. We all know your end game here.  Clearly your wife was unhappy with your ever expanding girth and put you on a diet.  Rather than grin and bear it for a few weeks you've decided everyone else in Boston should suffer with you, and that's dicked up.


And we wouldn't even be in this mess if you had any sense of balance and coordination.  Seriously, if you could just exercise like a normal person, take walks, go for jogs, ride a bike without toppling over like an old school Weeble Wobble and injuring your knee every three months you wouldn't even have to diet.  Have you considered seeing a Doctor about a possible inner ear balance problem?


 On the bright side this next election should be the last we see of good old Mumbles Menino if this goes through.  If there is one thing I know about city and state workers its that they absolutely treasure their coffee breaks.  They're not racking up over time but grinding out paper work all day long.  Those 2-3 paid coffee breaks a day are like the second biggest perk to municipal jobs.  You take those away and you lose your voting base immediately.  So sayonarah Tommy, it's been an OK 20 years.

Friday's Gratuitous Nudity: Naked Man Running Down LA Highway In Only Socks

AOL - Driving down the often-congested 405 Freeway in Los Angeles, you expect to see motorists using their flashers. More rare, however, is a flasher acting like a motorist. Police in Los Angeles say they have detained a man who was photographed running naked alongside traffic on the 405 North on Tuesday morning. The suspect -- clothed only in black socks -- jogged down the highway and tried to talk with drivers who slowed down, investigators told KTLA.com.

Is this like the new health craze that CW should be up on? Nude Running?  After seeing the guy at the St. Pattys Parade in Boston, and now this hombre streaking down LA's 405 I'm starting to think there might be something to the whole naked jogging things.

Only real problem I see here is the socks.  Come on bro, ankle socks and nudity just don't go.  You either rock shoes or you go barefoot.  The twig and berries are already out on display, I'm fairly certain no one is going to focus on whatever disgusting bunions or foot fungus you got going on down there. Live free naked runner man, live free.

PS: what happens when you get picked up by the cops naked? Do you get thrown into the holding cell like that? Or do they have the courtesy to give you one of those orange jumpers.  If they're just tossing you in nude then you can count me out of this fad.  I've been told nothing screams free rape in jail like a naked white guy in black ankle socks. 

Eva Longoria Has a So-Called "Warddrobe Malfunction" on The Letterman Show

Do it Eva! That's how you get back up on your horse after a divorce. Following the blue print to a T.  Slutty outfit? Check. "Accidental" Nudity? Check. Pick an Easy target to salivate all over you on national TV? Check.  

Eva's practically throwing herself at Dave here, letting all of America know she's back on the market.  And sure Dave is an easy target, getting up there in years, and he's always been awkward and gangly, but he's still got those cartoon sized hands...so I'll just assume good old Dave can still bring it.

By the way this is the classic difference between Leno and Letterman.  Letterman just knows when to keep his mouth shut, Jay can't help but spew verbal diarrhea.  Dave throws out a classic one liner about their liquor license and then goes on with the show.  He knows the audience is putty at this point, all just staring at Eva. Why waste material and annoy the viewers with non-stop jabbering.   Jay would have probably said something like "You know what's funny about those boobs..." and then just rolled through 2-3 minutes of jokes he stole from Howard Stern and various other comedians.

Massachusetts Wants Online Retailers to Charge State Sales Tax

BOSTON (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - The days of shopping online, tax-free may be coming to an end. A new bill on Beacon Hill could force e-commerce sites like Amazon, Overstock and Zappos to charge Massachusetts shoppers sales tax. Local retailers say the Web sites have an unfair advantage. In the Commonwealth, the sales tax loss in 2012 is projected to be $335 million.

Local retailers may want to spend more time worrying about me hauling my ass over the border to Salem, NH for all my shopping needs and less time worrying about whats going on in cyberspace.  No joke, just last weekend I drove 35 minutes to Salem to pick up the new motorolla xoom, tax free. Total tax savings, $37.  Was it worth the 60  mile round trip? Hell yes, exorbitant gas prices included.

Instead of crying like a bunch of bitches how about just build a website and sell your shit tax free too?  I’ve never understood physical businesses failure to adapt to e-commerce.  Put your store online, tell your customers and ship that shit to them. You think CW always ranted and raved on the interwebs? Until about 6 months ago you had to see me in person to have access to my genius dementia.  Then came this blog, and shortly after

Twitter, and sooner or later I'm going to have to figure out what this Tumblr thing is all about.  My point is you have to roll with the times. 

The internet isn’t your problem here, the brick and mortar stores right up the road selling stuff tax free is.  Don’t kid yourself and think I’d drive 15 minutes to  your store if they were taxing me for shopping online, I’d still just drive another 15 minutes North and buy my stuff duty free.

Dr. Jack: Did you know (insert hot chick from TV show) was in Scream 4?

During one of my many daily trips to IMDB I happened to stumble across the cast list for "Scream 4". Now I wasn't thinking much of it at the time as I expected to see the regulars from the first few and maybe a few new ladies for Ghostface to off in the opening scene. However, I was shocked to see just how many actresses from TV shows would be making an appearance in the film. It was almost like they cast the movie specifically so I could write this blog!

Without further ado, I'd like to run through all the hot snatch that will be in hopefully the last "Scream". And hey, since baseball season has just started, how about I sort the ladies into a lineup? No chance this squad starts out 0-6 unless it's in a "Not Giving Dudes a Boner" contest. (I'm so upset about the Red Sox that is literally the best I can come up with right now)

1. Alison Brie
TV Credits: "Mad Men", "Community"
I'd hit her down further in the order, but I think my love for the shows she's on clouds my judgement. Still I'm expecting a spark at the top of my lineup and Brie can certainly provide that. I'm interested to see her role in "S4" because I don't think she'd look believable as a high school student compared to the rest of the cast. Wait a minute, possible sexy librarian? I can not wait for this movie!

2. Lucy Hale
TV Credits: "Pretty Little Liars"
I want my #2 hitter to be shorter so she has a smaller strike zone and can get on base easier. I also feel like this blog is starting to make me seem like a serial killer.

3. Kristen Bell
TV Credits: "Veronica Mars", "Gossip Girl", "Heroes"
The highest profile member of the lineup is Bell. Am I a huge Bell fan? No, I am not. However, her appearance will put butts in the seats and she was great in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". Also, for some reason people loved "Veronica Mars" so we'll have that freaky group of weirdos supporting us.

4. Hayden Panettiere
TV Credits: "Heroes"
My cleanup hitter is the only girl who actually looks like she might have played sports at least one day in her life. Sure her TV career isn't that great, but at least she's got sports movie experience from "Remember the Titans" and "Ice Princess". Also, is there any doubt at all that she's getting killed in "S4"? Where are the BoDog odds for that because I'd bet my house.

5. Anna Paquin
TV Credits: "True Blood"
I didn't think of positions for everyone, but I'd definitely put Paquin at catcher because Sookie on "True Blood" can read people's minds. She'll know what the hitters are expecting and then she can call for something different. Sometimes when I come up with an idea as good as this I really scare myself. I just got chills.

6. Aimee Teegarden
TV Credits: "Friday Night Lights"
Hey look, she's in a baseball uniform! How convenient! As upset as I am about the Red Sox start, I'm even more upset about "FNL" going off the air. Luckily, I don't have DirectTV so I still have yet to see the last scenes of Teegarden as Julie Taylor. Now subtle changes in the spelling of a normal name tends to make girls seem hotter, but I can't help but feel like Aimee's parents tried a bit too hard.

7. Neve Campbell
TV Credits: "Party of Five"
The wily veteran. She's knows what's coming, she's just not fast enough to always catch up to it. Still her knowledge and leadership skills make her one of the more valuable members of the team. And if you're wondering if I'm kissing Neve's ass because I'm legitimately disappointed for how her career turned out, then you're right.

8. Shenae Grimes
TV Credits: "90210"
This chick's got a tattoo on her side which is one of the most painful places you can get one. So we know she's crazy. We want crazy on the team, but we don't put crazy in the top of the order. We want crazy at the bottom with sac bunts and hit and runs all over the place.

9. Brittany Robertson
TV Credits: "Life Unexpected"
Ok here's the deal, we needed to fill out the lineup. I'm not saying she's not attractive. She's cute, but cute as in she looks like she's fifteen. She actually will turn 20 in a few weeks so I'm not totally creepy for including her. However, I guess I am a little creepy for looking up her birthday but what makes you so fucking perfect anyway?

Pitcher. Courtney Cox
TV Credits: "Friends", "Dirt", "Cougar Town"
Probably the best TV resume on the team and we've seen from her recent bikini pics, she still has her fastball. I can't trust any of these young ladies to not pull a Lohan at any second and leave me without someone to throw the ball. I need my ace to be an actress I've known for years and have faith in. Someone who's been in a Hall of Fame show and not someone whose one hit show was only good for one season and now makes Lifetime movies. And dates a giant Russian boxer. And whose name rhymes with Smaden Bennetear.


And there's the squad. Now if you're about to write a comment saying Emma Roberts is in the movie too and she was on Nickelodeon then I want you to take a good long look at yourself and your life choices to this point so far.

Enjoy the movie everybody!

-Dr. Jack

Judge Holds Potential Juror In Contempt Indefinitely For Allegedly Rascist Remarks

Fox News - A federal judge in New York reportedly sentenced a Brooklyn woman to indefinite jury duty after she made racist remarks toward minorities.  The unidentified juror -- an Asian woman in her 20s who said she works in the garment industry -- was being screened for jury duty on Tuesday in the death penalty trial of Bonanno crime boss Vincent "Vinny Gorgeous" Basciano. Asked to name three people she least admired, the woman wrote on her questionnaire: "African-Americans, Hispanics and Haitians." When Garaufis asked why she answered the question that way, the woman replied, "You always hear about them in the news doing something." The woman also claimed that cops are all lazy, accusing them of sounding their sirens to bypass traffic jams, the Daily News reports. Assistant U.S. Attorney Taryn Merkl requested that the woman be disqualified from the Basciano case because of her "inappropriate" comments. The motion was granted. Garaufis then instructed the court that the woman would be seeing a lot of Brooklyn Federal Court in coming days. "She's coming back [today], Thursday and Friday -- and until the future, when I am ready to dismiss her," he said.


So the whole hold you in contempt thing is real huh? That’s not just a law & order svu myth?  Like how doesn’t this happen all the time? Last time I got called for jury duty I legit told the judge that I couldn’t be impartial because of my previous schooling as a political science major.  Did he give me a discerning look? Obviously. Is it probably the worst excuse he heard that day? Definitely.  Judges probably hear everything in the book, and they probably use the best ones themselves when they get called for jury duty.


So I fail to see what made this one particular excuse stand out from the rest and worthy of jail time.  If you ask me she was just bluntly honest.  Sorry but if I’m watching the evening local news chances are it’s going to be filled with police blotter involving minorities.  It doesn’t make me or this asian broad racist for noticing this, maybe the tv stations are racists but that’s not for me to decide. I’m just going with what I’m being fed here.  And yea 100% cops use their sirens to dodge the occasional light or traffic jam, they wouldn’t be cops if they didn’t. 


The last I checked this was still America, and I’m assuming this woman was an American citizen.  I thought we were only allowed to lock up camel jockeys in gitmo indefinitely with no trial.  I don’t know what kind of high horse this judge is riding on, but it’s complete bull shit.  So this woman didn’t want to do jury duty ? Who the hell does? Lying your way out of jury duty is as American as Apple Pie.

Tweeting For Beers at Mariners Games Actually Seems Like An Awesome Idea

Hey Bro, Tweet me that Beer.

SEATTLE (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Beer drinkers are about to take over Twitter. Starting Friday at the Seattle Mariner's home opener, fans can tweet vendor Kevin Zelko the location of their seat and he'll stop by with a cold one.  Zelko says he still make the usual rounds through the aisles. But now he'll check his phone more often and hopes to grow a following and develop relationships with his customers.

As of 9:15 a.m., Zelco - @msbeervendor has 573 followers. 

Of course for this to get enacted in Boston I'm sure we'd have to have some state house congressional hearings and figure out a way for Menino and the rest of his hacks to rake a profit before this happens.  Similar to this brouhaha about mix drinks at Fenway that's been going on.  I'm pretty sure Murph and Sully and the rest of the bleacher creatures aren't going to be anymore manic by the 7th inning just because they can now order goose and juice for $14 or whatever the hell they end up charging for that crap.  

Anyway, back on point.  Big week for the Twitter, first with the tweet mirror, and now with tweeting for beer at the ball park.  Phenomenal development, you just can't stop technology.  Just last week I thought it was awesome that you could order a burrito at Chipotle on your smartphone.  This trumps that hands down. Amazing.

And while I thought the Tweet mirror was a disastrous idea, I actually think this is brilliant, convenient and safe.  No more trying to run between innings for a beer but always ending up missing a two run homer because of the mile long line, or waiting 4 innings for the beer vendor to come back around.  It's all at your finger tips.  And safe because, have you ever tried to tweet while you're drunk? You'll be fat fingering that touch screen through extra innings trying to order a Bud Light.  Simple rule, you can't ask for a beer in proper English, you don't get a beer.  

PS: Epic fail if the rest of the vendors don't pick up on this.  These guys get paid on how much merchandise they move, right?  Is there a male aged 21-30 that's not going to tweet this guy? Even if I wasn't on the Twitter yet (we totally are @TheAltTab) I'd be signing up before the first ball game I attend that year.  Plus you can always tweet the guy some random's seat and watch the hilarity during slow games.