Tired of Bottled Water Snobs Treating Tap Water Like It's for the Homeless

Here's the deal, I drink tap water. I have no problem with tap water.  If the city and state are deeming it clean enough to run to my house or place of work for showering and washing dishes, I'm going to go out on a ledge and assume it's also safe to drink, a real daredevil, I know. 

Does that stop people at work from giving me the stink eye or dirty stares like I'm some kind of social pariah when I refill the same water bottle over and over again for a week or two? Nope.  Look, I'm not judging you for paying $2.00 a bottle for a natural resource that runs freely to your sink, all the while contributing another plastic bottle to an already massive environmental problem, don't judge me for being silly enough to think that re-using the same plastic recepticle that you're using is perfectly safe. 

And to the hipsters and hikers who'd look down on me because they won't drink out of anything short of a $20 Nalgene bottle, I ask what makes you think your overly expensive bottle is any better than mine?  I wash my old Poland Spring bottle out each day, it's not a bacteria growing science project or anything.  The only difference between my recycled bottle and your ritzy cannister is yours has markings to denote exactly how many milli-liters you've drank today.  Not that most of you could tell me what a frigen milli-liter is anyway.  Who even uses that standard of measurement?  We're from America and we use ounces.  Don't go trying to confuse everyone with your sophisticated metric system.  That shit's for commies and Euro trash.

Voodoo Sex Ceremony Starts 5 Alarm Fire in Brooklyn

New York (CNN) -- Candles used in voodoo sex ceremony caused a fatal five alarm fire after they tipped over and ignited bed sheets in a Brooklyn, New York, apartment, authorities said Friday...A voodoo priest allegedly placed the candles on the floor around the bed on Saturday after a woman paid him $300 to perform a ceremony with a sexual component, that was meant to bring her good luck, fire department officials said. Authorities are currently investigating the incident.

Wait a minute, this Voodoo priest was just a gigolo right? The whole voodoo thing just being a religious cover so the authorities can't charge him with prostitution in fear of violating his religious 1st Amendment rights.  Probably just a male stripper and a chic with a weird fetish request stumbling into a gigantic loophole for prostitutes and pimps from coast to coast.  Genius, genius move.  

I can already picture it, couple Irish cops bust some chic getting picked up by a dude on the street, all the chic's gotta say is she's performing a bris (google it if you're sitting their scratching your head) for this converting Jew.  The chick's black? No problem, she's performing some voodoo or Kwanza related ceremony.  If she's an Arab...well, actually no, she's probably going to jail anyway just to make sure she's not on the no fly list.  But at least she won't be branded a prostitute and stoned to death!  And she has this voodoo gigolo to thank for that.

NBC's The Office: Who’s the New Manager in Town? Bueller? Bueller?

The TV Doctor, Dr. Jack Shepherd is back with his analysis and guess for who will replace Steve Carell on The Office.

We’ve all known for some time that this will be Steve Carell’s last season portraying Michael Scott on “The Office”. If you’ve been watching each week you can see him getting closer to his happy ending of riding off into the sunset with his soulmate Holly. Michael will be gone soon, but the show has yet to announce its future plans for who will have the authority at Sabre in Scranton, PA. Will Ferrell will be doing a multi-episode arc in a few weeks, but his standing as one of the biggest movie stars in the world makes it highly unlikely he would make a jump to a permanent TV gig. So then who will be the new manager?

If the show decides to go with an in-house replacement, it appears Andy would be the first choice. He’s the character who is the most like Michael and elicits similar responses as Michael did from his fellow workers. There have even been two episodes this season, “Sex Ed” and “The Seminar,” that seemed to be auditions for an Andy-led “Office”. Ed Helms also currently has the most star power on the show aside from Carell, especially with “The Hangover 2” due out in May. Other in-house candidates would be Darryl (wouldn’t seem realistic), Dwight (would be too “wacky”), or Jim (would they really go back to this after Jim/Michael co-manager storyline fell flat?). If they promote from within, then the choice is probably Andy. But for a show that has gotten stale over the last few seasons, I wouldn’t say that’s the right move.

New blood is needed in Scranton to get this show back to being what it was, or at least closer to it. Ricky Gervais has come out in favor of Will Arnett being the replacement. “Arrested Development” is one of my favorite shows of all-time, and I love Arnett, but does he really have the credentials to be handed such responsibility? Also, the characters he plays the best, like GOB, tend to be hugely self-involved people who don’t see how their actions affect others. Does that sound like anyone else who’s already worked in Scranton? Danny McBride has also been mentioned, but as silly as this sounds I don’t see him succeeding at an authoritative role where he’s not allowed to curse. And again, he’d probably play a character matching Michael’s ineptitude. The show not only needs an outside hire, it also needs a new type of leader to walk through Sabre’s doors.

If the show was looking to install someone with a lot of past sitcom success, then Kelsey Grammar or Julia Louis-Dreyfus would be viable options. Grammar has struggled recently to get back into TV with his latest shows all flopping, and Dreyfus’ “The New Adventures of Old Christine” was cancelled last year. Joining an established show like “The Office” would give them more potential security than looking for a new pilot. Plus NBC, a network constantly struggling for good press, would be welcoming back one of its biggest stars from a decade ago with either choice. Neither of these actors would be bad choices and both could bring something new to inject new life into the show, especially Dreyfus as a female boss, but there’s still one more actor I feel NBC should be wooing first and foremost.

Matthew Broderick. We know that NBC has courted Broderick for years. He finally acquiesced to their requests by filming a pilot last season and in all its infinite wisdom NBC declined to pick it up. So with that bad taste in his mouth, it stands to reason Broderick might not be inclined to even consider this. Also, he might not want his foray into television to be replacing an iconic role like Carell’s Michael Scott. However, for the sake of this blog let’s say he is amicable to joining the show. Maybe he agrees his pilot was bad, and maybe he sees what replacing Michael J. Fox on “Spin City” did for Charlie Sheen’s career.

So then where does the show take the character? We know Broderick has experience talking to the camera from his “Ferris Bueller” days. Why not make the character essentially what Ferris grew up to be? Michael Scott’s replacement does not need to be a bumbling idiot or someone with no social skills. Why not make him the opposite? The paper business is a dying business and even with Sabre’s infusion of products, the Scranton bunch are still working in an industry that’s rife with the threat of decline. Bringing in Broderick to play a Bueller type character, one with smarts and charm to achieve seemingly anything would allow the workers to have something to believe in and the audience to have something to root for.

“The Office” started as a great example of the mundane existence so many of us face from 9-5. However, the light heartedness of Jim’s pranks on Dwight or Michael’s board room meetings allowed us to laugh at lives filled with unachieved dreams. Somewhere over the last few seasons, that stopped being funny and became kind of sad. It was funny to see a young Jim complain about his job, it’s less funny to see him seven years later in the same position even with his picture perfect family life. It’s not funny to see Pam realize she’s failed at almost everything she’s tried professionally. I’m not saying everything needs to be jokes and smiles, but why not change the direction of the show into the workers achieving something they can be proud of? They obviously could never do that with a leader like Michael Scott, but with someone like Ferris Bueller? Hell, you could do anything.

-Dr. Jack

Toss Up: Who's Crazier? Charlie Sheen or Moammar Gaddafi?

Unless you've been living under a rock the past couple of weeks you've obviously noticed Charlie and Moammar seemingly battling it out for craziest headline of the day.  You literally can't peel away from the internet for 30 minutes without another mind blowing quote or story from these two comically gifted lunatics (although one is just snorting coke and banging sluts, the other is murdering his citizens). Like two kindred spirits competing for worlds most demented, they even both insist on traveling with entourages of woman.  Gaddafi insisting his traveling circus be protected solely by female body guards (seriously), Charlie auditioning porn stars for his "Porn Family," and then promptly taking his show on tour, through Vegas, the entirety of the west coast, and then to the seas in some sort of Yachting Jaws gang bang festival.   Beyond their entourages and actions these guys have been such prolific quote machines lately that it's sometimes hard to distinguish between which one said what.  

Which leads us to today's game of who said it? Sheen or Gaddafi. Some quotes have had identifiable names or places removed to make this a bit tougher.  Feel free to leave your answers in the comment section, I'll edit the post to include the correct answer around 3 pm this afternoon so be sure to check back to see how you did: (answers now included in bold).

 1. The first ones free, the next one goes in your mouth - Charlie Sheen, obviously.

2. “There must be a world revolution which puts an end to all materialistic conditions hindering woman from performing her natural role in life and driving her to carry out man’s duties in order to be equal in rights.” - Gaddafi

3. They give them pills at night, they put hallucinatory pills in their drinks, their milk, their coffee, their Nescafe." - Also Gaddafi, though I'm not positive you can't rule out the fact that he's talking about Sheen

4. "I expressed an opinion, and I have an army marching behind me. - Sheen, tricky one.

5. Remember these are my people ... not yours...we will continue on together... Also Sheen, he's been very militaristic lately.

6. I am a fighter, a revolutionary from tents ... I will die as a martyr at the end - Gaddafi

7. "These men are not pirates. We are the pirates. We are all pirates. We went there to their territorial waters, and they are just protecting the food of their children. -Gaddafi, though it could have just as easily been Sheen discussing his recent yacht outings.

8. I’m dealing with fools and trolls, dealing with soft targets and its just, you know its just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee because I don’t have time for these clowns. Sheen, one could easily confuse this for Gaddafi's rambling speech about wiping out Switzerland.

9. Is this Jerusalem, or Mecca? All of you have jetlag and are physically tired. Many of you are very tired because your biological mind should be asleep right now. Gaddafi, apparently his biological mind is that much stronger than the average humans.

10. "(.....) is the leader of the revolution...am not a president to step down. (....)

is leader of the revolution until the end of time. Gaddafi, I feel this is pretty obvious, but I won't be shocked when Sheen starts calling himself the president of some radical porn-led movement.

11. "I think everybody’s got a black belt and a gun, so I don’t get in anybody’s business." Sheen, discussing his producers, who apparently also double as ninjas?

12. . I should have been walking into sandwiches, massages, and handjobs. Yeah, I said it!” - Obviously Sheen but it was too good to pass up.  The guy likes the simple things life, what can he say.

13. To sully or contaminate or radically disrespect this union with a shameful contract is something that I will leave to the amateurs and the Bible grippers. Sheen, but I'm guessing Gaddafi feels the same way about those damned Bible Grippers...Bible Grippers

14. And they're going to fuel the battle cry of my deadly and dangerous and secret and silent soldiers. Because they're all around you.  Sheen, at this point I'm not sure who the bigger threat to the public is.  Gaddafi seems relatively tame by comparison.

15. Protesters are serving the devil, they want to humiliate you -Gaddafi, there we go, back on track.

16.   From tomorrow, families collect your children, leave your homes, all of you who love (....), go out the streets, secure the streets, don't be afraid. - Gaddafi

17. The ringleaders are in their homes or they are abroad, comfortable, and having fun. Gaddafi- I needed a string of Gaddafi's.

18. We work for the Pope, we murder people. We're Vatican assassins...we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks -Sheen, Gaddafi answers to no one, and certainly he isn't some murder for hire bitch for the Pope.

19. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground." -Sheen, just as easily could have been Gaddafi ordering his military jets to attack protestors.

20.  "Defeat is not an option. They know what they did was wrong. They are in absolute breach,  I did nothing wrong. They have picked a fight with the wrong guy. Defeat is not an option."  Sheen, but if Gaddafi's speech writers are worth anything he'll be parroting this real soon.

 

Male Cheerleader Gets Technical Foul

Someone test the Louisville mens cheerleaders for steroids. I've never seen 3 more roided out cheerlosers before in my life.  

It's tough to tell who the bigger ham out of the three of them is. You've got the obvious moron who thinks he just won the championship and is going to Disney World, tossing the ball and spirit clapping with everything he's got.  You've got the squatter, doing his best Incredible Hulk Impression.  But my vote for the biggest douche here is the air puncher.   Sweet move dude, see that guy you just taunted?  He's an NBA prospect and can probably get all the tail he wants on campus.  You're the loser from high school who just wanted to be a part of the sports scenes after getting cut from every team sport you ever tried out for.

Ease up guys, your job is to flash some spirit fingers and form human pyramids. Not only didn't you contribute to the victory, but you damn near cost the team the game with that ridiculous technical foul. I know it's tough to accept, but you're really no different than the average male fan in the stands.  Except they get to toss back a few brews before the game, and you're wearing that ridiculously lame white ensemble. 

Girlfriend Shower Prank With Poop (Vid Inside)

 

While I appreciate the humor, I do hope this guy immediately went out and looked for a new place to live.  I'm no expert on woman, but I do know that dropping a fake turd in the shower on her is basically as bad as dropping a real turd in the shower.  Psychologically there is no real difference here, the end result was going to be her being pissed and you cleaning that shit/non-shit up either way bro.  

One tip though, when you're playing the old "make a turd out of chocolate prank" you have to be fully committed.  The fact that this guy did not take a bite out of it when she was refusing to smell it is unbelievably disappointing.  Brings this all the way down from an A- to a C+.  Sooner or later he'll wake up and realizing he's been half-assing his way through life.

Amber Portwood (gross chick from teen mom) Releases Nude Photos

Fox News - Controversial ‘Teen Mom’ star Amber Portwood recently posed for a series of nude photos, Radaronline.com reports.  The celebrity news site has several of the NSFW photos posted showing Portwood, now 20, in various states of undress, with the large tattoo of her daughter across her torso clearly visible. "Amber fancies herself an old-fashioned pin-up girl," a source told RadarOnline.com. "She posed the way she thought a pin-up would." “Teen Mom” is a spin-off of “16 and Pregnant.” Both are MTV reality shows that follow the trials and tribulations of very young mothers.

Well that's just disgusting. Old fashioned pin-up girl? Umm nope, just a bit of a porker with an off-putting face.

I'm so sick of these teen mom or 16 and Pregnant shows. I've tried hard to bite my tongue, but that's it, I can't take it anymore.  "The trials and tribulations of very young mothers." What a load of shit, seriously MTV you can spin better than that.  These girls make more in one year than I'll most likely make at any point in my career.  And for what? Being the potent combo of being equal parts skank, dumbass, and white trash in high school?  Shit is ridiculous.  Apparently if you're from some hick town and too stupid to understand how birth control works all you gotta do is pop a squat and shoot a baby out of your uterus and surprise,  you're a star.  Fucking ridiculous.

Same goes for all these moms who are famous and semi-rich for giving birth.  Octo-Mom, Kate Gosselin, and every tard who's ever graced the afforementioned MTV shows. You're not creative, you have no talent, and you haven't contributed anything to this world except what are sure to be the complete opposite of well-adjusted kids. 98% of the time these woman would be living out of a trailer and mixing lemonade at the local diner for truck drivers,  but some how they've managed to convince people that giving birth, something woman have been doing for 1000's of years since back when we lived in caves and delivered babies by stick, is a talent worthy of entertaining viewers. Just a sad commentary on America...We're getting closer and closer to the day that CW just packs up and moves to Australia.

Just In Time For the Oscars: More Obnoxious, Modern Day Boxing or Holiday Awards Season?

We're right in the thick of Hollywood award season, seemingly with a new, meaningless, circle-jerk award show on each weekend.  With the endless array of shows and categories, awards season has in many ways become as obnoxious as modern day boxing.  But which is more annoying? Lets take a look at the tale of the tape (yea, this is going to be a long one people)


1.  Multiple Awards Shows Vs. Multiple Sanctioned Titles - Hollywood has the Academy Awards, the Golden Globes, AMA's, SAG's, People's Choice, Emmys, Grammys, and the CMA's, just to name a few.  Over on the boxing side they've got belts for the ABC, IBF, WBA, WBC, and the WBO, across 17 different weight classes!  Most obnoxious is definitely going to boxing in this category.  Even with two shows just dedicated to country music (it saddens me that there's enough backwater hicks in this country to support two shows) this wasn't particularly close.  Say what you want about the numerous award shows watering down the accomplishments of truly good performers, but at least I know what each shows anagram stands for. Same goes for the weight classes.  Sure there are tons of meaningless awards given out to people such as "best vice key grip" or best backstage "fluffer" but again, at the very least these are well defined awards.  How many of you know what range makes up the Bantamweight class? Or maybe someone can explain why there is a class change every 3 pounds? Shit I can gain 3 pounds at lunch, is that really going to give me an advantage over another fighter? Doubt it, I'd still get my ass kicked all the same.

 Hollywood: 0, Boxing 1

2.  Extreme Dieting/Botox/Silicon Vs. Weight Cutting and Performance Enhancers - Tough category. Personally I don't give a shit about either side, I personally prefer a steady diet consisting of fried foods, pizza, and burgers combined with the occasional walk up or down stairs or stroll to the bathroom.  That said I guess I find Hollywood's body modification a smidge more obnoxious.  At least boxers are working toward a competitive edge, and I've always believed if you aint cheating you aint trying.  I fail to see the reason for the bimbo actress stretching her face back or tightening up their skin around their elbows (legit, they do that).  Sorry ladies, you show me a guy that bases your attractiveness on lack of crows feet and smooth elbow skin and I'll show you a homosexual. Plain and simple, straight men aren't that superficial. As long as you score well in one of three categories you're fine by us, pretty face, nice rack, or great ass. Plain and simple, that's all it takes for a chic to succeed in the show biz.

  Hollywood 1, Boxing 1

3. Nomination Shows and the Red Carpet Vs. Weigh-in and the Pre-fight presser:  Boxing takes this in a landslide.  There is no greater waste of time on Sportscenter than video footage of the boxing weigh in.  Hey thanks Sportscenter, 'roided out goons in banana hammocks are exactly what I want to see with my morning cup of coffee.  I blame Tyson for all the coverage these non-events get.  The guy was so bat shit crazy that you couldn't not film him, you never knew what the hell was going to happen, just a one-in-a-million entertainer. Those days are long gone, though. Half the fighters these days don't even speak English and I have no interest in hearing Pablo's translator try and find English translations for Mexican proverbs.  I actually find the red carpet entertaining. Who wore what outlandish outfit, who's dating who, and the fact that there is about a 50/50 shot that a movie star will open their mouth and say something unintentionally hilarious because they're unable speak properly without a script and cue cards in front of them. 

Hollywood 1, Boxing 2

4. The Babbling Award Winner Vs. The Stalling Fighter - Both equally annoying.  Nothing worse than a fighter who doesn't want to fight (especially after you just shelled out $44.95 in PPV fees), or a Doofus actor using his spotlight to ramble on righteously about some charitable cause his handlers just told him would be good for his image.  Tough one indeed. To break the tie we're going to look to the way each situation is handled.  Hollywood has the orchestra music, boxing has the referee.  The winner, Boxing.  At least with the Orchestra you see a Hollywood Star, used to getting their way, basically being told to shut their piehole.  In boxing the ref breaks the hold or gives a warning and then 30 seconds later the slouch is back to stalling and holding again. The stalling boxer is definitely more obnoxsious than the babbling star.

Hollywood 1, Boxing 3

5. The Fix Is In - Ever sat around and openly wondered how a certain actor or actress was even up for nomination, never mind how they actually won the award? You're definitely not alone. But while their may be plenty of anectodal evidence that the award shows are nothing more than Hollywood handjobs for the in-crowd, there's no real hard evidence of fixing and corruption as there is with boxing.  I'm pretty sure James Cameron isn't in cahoots with mob bosses and loan sharks so I'd say you're getting a fair shake on  your Oscar's prop bets (although if The Social Network takes home best picture a serious investigation needs to be carried out, that movie ate dick).

Hollywood 1, Boxing 4

6. More Hype Than Substance - Let's be honest, most of us aren't watching the shows to see who wins the awards. We want to be entertained, we want a funny host and some great performances.  We rarely get it.  More often than not the host is a neutered comedian (Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes excluded) like Jimmy Fallon just trying to be cordial and not step on the toes of any potential future projects.  The performances often suck too. A bunch of lip synching pop tarts and some poorly sound checked rockbands (or ill-advised come backs ala Guns N' Roses).  Basically 90% of all award shows suck for real entertainment value.  

As for boxing, when you're shelling out $44.95 for pay-per view you're obviously hoping you see an epic fight, two dudes just slugging it out with everything they got.  Thing is this rarely happens, especially at the heavyweight level.  More of then than not you end up with two guys cautiously jabbing at each other, neither looking to do anything too stupid like take a punch to the face that could post pone any endorsement deals.  Some people lament and bitch about shelling out the cash for a 1st or 2nd round knockout, I'd take that 100 times out of 100 before I watch two guys play the matador with each other, or have one fighter dance around the ring like he's auditioning for an episode of So You Think You Can Dance.   

The difference between the two events, I think most people go into a major boxing event with the acknowledgement that they're most likely blowing their money on a lack luster event.  When you know the show will most likely suck going in it softens the blow when it finally hits you.  Point Hollywood in this round.

Hollywood 2, Boxing 4

7. Which Event Pretends to Have More Importance - I think in the last few years boxing has sort of made piece with its secondary sport status in America, and really its not that bad.  Yea it's no longer got a wide national following, but at the same time it's no where near as pathetic as its former contemporary Horse Racing has become.  It would be one thing if the people following the sport were all 60+, degenerate gamblers, with smokers rasps, but the sport is much healthier than that.  It may no longer be a national pass time but it's not exactly jockeying for space on the back pages of the sports news with the WNBA, NASCAR and local girls lacrosse box scores.  So it's got that going for it.

The awards on the other hand are just basically filler at this point.  Aside from finding out who won the major categories at the Oscars the next day (yea that's right, I can't even be bothered to hear the results live) I don't think the majority of American's give a shit about Hollywood Award season.  Sure it dominates celebrity magazines and Hollywood Entertainment TV, but that's really just to give bored housewives something to talk about.  Think about it, you really only hear about awards season during a 2 or 3 month span leading up to the shows, literally 2 days later no one cares or speaks about it.  Even the celebrities don't really appear aware that most people don't give a shit about the awards 70% of the year.  Why do you think all the movies up for awards some out October - December? People have no attention span anymore.  You release a movie in February there is no way in hell I'll remember or care about your performance come next January.  Yep, Hollywoods fake importance is far more annoying.

Final Tally Hollywood 3, Boxing 4.

CBS Fires Charlie Sheen After His All-Time Rant (listen here)

People - "Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen's statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of Two and a Half Men for the remainder of the season," says producer Warner Bros. Television and the network that broadcasts the program, CBS.
The statement was released after Sheen, 45, went on profane, rambling rampages against Alcoholics Anonymous, party girls, his ex-wife, founding father Thomas Jefferson and Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre.
In an open letter posted on TMZ.com Thursday evening, Sheen responded to the news that CBS halted production of his show, calling out Lorre, whom he again refers to as Haim Levine, specifically.
"I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth," the letter reads. "I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words – imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists."


Ladies and gentelman, Charlie MotherFucking Sheen.  Holy shit.  If you have the time you absolutely have to listen to that ran above, it is the rant to end all rants.  It puts my minor squabbling and griping to shame, it puts everyone's to shame.  We're talking a biblically epic verbal tirade. It covers everything in life, porn, ex-wives, bosses, the vatican, winning, Cleveland, Wild Thing Rick Vaughn, and just about every profanity imagineable.


Anytime anyone goes off on bosses or co-workers just before getting canned it will be forever known as pulling a Sheen, that's a given. 


But beyond that, have you ever heard more of an accumulation of potential Fantasy Sports team names in one place?  He spouted off potential name after name for 15 straight minutes.  I'm going to be analyzing that recording like its the Zapruder film trying to figure out what is the absolute best name to use.  For the first time ever I'm certain to agonize over that decision more than who to draft.  Drafting will be a breeze after I manage to select one of the hundreds of all-star choices for my team name...And if you don't think my baseball team is coming away with Brian Wilson, well you just plain know nothing about me.


If you're at work, and your work frowns upon listening to the ravings of a lunatic genius like mine does, here is the full transcript of the now infamous radio interview.

I'll leave you with this insprational quote:

I’m frikin bayonets, you know. I’m battle tested man. I’m tired, I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t perfect and bitchin and just winning every second and I’m not perfect and bitchin and just deliverying the goods at every frikin turn, because, look what I’m dealing with man, I’m dealing with fools and trolls, dealing with soft targets and its just, you know its just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee because I don’t have time for these clowns. I don’t have time for their judgement and their stupidity and you know they lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their loser lives and then they look at me and they say “I can’t process it” well no you never will stop trying, just sit back and enjoy the show. You know?

If that doesn't get you jacked up to push you through another monotonous Friday afternoon, nothing will.

Unicorn City Movie Trailer - Going to be Movie of the Decade (vid inside)

Is anyone else mildly fascinated by this whole "Larp-ing" thing (Live Action Role Playing) in a non-geek way like I am? I mean purely from a spectator sport stand point?  Like if I found out this was going on in a field or park near me and there were concessions or at least BYOB, I'd be all over it.  "Cancel the plans for Saturday hun, we're going to watch some nerds battle it out in a real life version of Magic: The Gathering (and actually in a totally nerdy way I do think it would be fun to pulverize a few dorks with Styrofoam swords, if I'm just being honest, but I'd never want anyone to find out).  Hell, might end up being a reality in a few years the way society raises kids these days.  Bunch of soft losers more interested in fantasy books than actual sports or competition.

But seriously, does this go on anywhere around Boston, and are people allowed to tailgate it?

Meet Your Newest Celtic Hero Nenad Krstic

ESPN - Just before Thursday's 3 p.m. ET trade deadline, the Boston Celtics agreed to ship center Kendrick Perkins and guard Nate Robinson to the Oklahoma City Thunder for forward Jeff Green and big man Nenad Krstic in a deal the NBA approved about five hours later...

Bottom line here is CW was in full on panic mode yesterday afternoon at work, couldn't fathom what the hell we were doing getting rid of our inside toughness, didn't make any sense after we spent all off season searching for the corpses of former centers to sign.  Hadn't we stressed the need for more big men after the unspeakable Game 7 loss to the Lakers last year? What the hell was going on? Why were we shipping the biggest bad ass on our team away for a wing player and some foreigner? 

Well apologies to that foreigner. Nenad Krstic, I had no idea just how much of a mean Mo-Fo you really are.  You may look like a slightly balding college professor, or the doomed evil villain in a 2nd rate action movie, but after watching the video below I've come to realize, you sir are one hard ass dude.

All due respect to Perk, who always talked a good game and cut a mean figure with a meaner scowl, he never took a chair upside the head of an opponent over a simple disagreement.  When it comes right down to it Perk is a man of talk and Krstic a man of action, just check out the below:

And that was over some crappy Euro League game, that shit barely counts more than Rec-League.  Imagine the guys temper when he's in a "Heat-ed" playoff battle, or in a game 7 against the hated Lakers.  There is no telling what he's capable of, and that is going to scare the shit out of a puss-bag like Gasol, or a prima-donna lap dog like Lebron.

...In all seriousness, if you want my real take on the trade, I agree with John Hollinger, this is just a huge F-U to the Lakers and Magic (my words not his).  The Celtics and Ainge are essentially saying they're not worried about facing them down the road, and even if they do they think they match up well without their toughest big guy to battle inside. Whether or not they're right on that call remains to be seen, but I'm inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt after their run the past few years.

I think Google Trends Temporarily Stuck in the 1980's?

Checked out Google's Hot Trends yesterday and could have sworn we'd been time warped back to the 1980's.  Two Eastern European/Russian sounding names straight out of the cold war, 3 searches related to the shuttle and NASA which haven't been relevant and exciting since 1986, even the Boston Celtics cracking the top 10 which would fit with the 80's theme.  You subsitute Magic Johnson for Aaron Brooks and maybe throw something involving hot pants or leg warmers and you basically have the all time 80's Google Search list.

What Would Really Happen If We Tried to Dig to China?

Long way to go kid.

If I Fell Through the Center of Earth, What Would Happen in the Center - Actually beyond addressing the fact that you'd be weightless, they never really answer the question that I've been pondering for as long as I could ponder: If you're digging a hole to China, would you come up feet first?


I know, this is a strange blog, and a strange thing to be curious about.  Like, obviously this isn't possible, you'd clearly have to pass through Hell, and from what I understand of him, I doubt the Devil would just let you pass through the other side.  So yes, it's an impractical question.  But still, let's put that aside and just ponder because I really want to get to the bottom of this once and for all, or top? I'm not sure.

I've honestly thought about this more times than I care to admit, and I've never been able to wrap my brain around it.  On the one hand you'd obviously think if you start digging your way to China, you're going to end up exiting feet first. Seems logical, but here is the issue.  If you're upside down coming out of the earth feet first, what is stopping  you from falling head first out the gigantic hole you just created? At some point after you pass through the center of the earth gravity has to pull you back the other way.  So what does that mean? Is it truly impossible (again Hell, Fire, Brimstone and the Devil aside)? Is the dream of every 5-10 year old digging in the sandbox just a sham along with the Easter Bunny, Santa, and Elvis? And finally, do Chinese people waste time contemplating ways to dig to New York, or is this exclusively a "white person" time waster?  I'm guessing its just a white person thing, they're probably too busy figuring out ways to get ahead in the world, playing clarinets and buying digital cameras.

By the way, has everyone been spreading the word about The Alt-Tab's hole digging contest?

Blogging is Dead? Seems Like A Good Time To Advertise For Help Wanted

Gigaom - Blogging is on the decline, according to a New York Times story published this weekend — citing research from the Pew Center’s Internet and American Life Project — and it is declining particularly among young people, who are using social networks such as Facebook instead...The NYT story notes that blogging among those aged 12 to 17 fell by half between 2006 and 2009 according to the Pew report, but among 18 to 33-year-olds it only dropped by two percentage points in 2010 from two years earlier — which isn’t exactly a huge decline. And among 34 to 45-year-olds, blogging activity rose by six percentage points. The story also admits that the Blogger platform, which is owned by Google, had fewer unique visitors in the U.S. in December than it had a year earlier (a 2-percent decline), but globally its traffic climbed by 9 percent to 323 million.


So what does this all mean? Pretty simple really, CW won the war.  Word got out once I entered the blogging scene and inferior bloggers have been packing up shop left and right, don't even want to bother competing for hits with The Alt-Tab.


And you know what else this means?  Less competition baby! BAM.  I've been sitting around trying to think of ways to drum up more interest around here the last couple of months and then this story just falls right in my lap.  Turns out I don't have to do squat, here I am busting my ass like 4 hours a day (allright like 3 of those are just me browsing the same sites I'd be browsing anyway, but it feels like work when you know you have to do it), while everyone else is just giving up. 


And as I assume they've factored Pennypacker and The Maestro into those figures, deadbeats.  The Maestro has a valid excuse, gambling columns are a bit easier to write during football season, he's going to contribute here and there for a few random occasions.  Pennypacker on the other hand, came in talking all that smack and then never followed up once.  What a pathetic loser. The mere fact that 50 Cent contributed more financial advice to this blog than he did should put him to shame. Thank god for the TV Doctor I guess.


With that said, I'd like to throw out the opportunity for others that may be intersted in becoming an Alt-Tab contributor.  Serious applicants only, I don't need any Pennypackers promising the world and then coming up with excuse after excuse for not blogging.  It takes like 15 minutes to write a decent blog, anyone interested should be willing to do so at least once a week.  The pay is non-existant, and your boss will be insufferable, but since all the other blogs are apparently shutting their doors, I'm pretty much the only option you got.  Feel free to e-mail me potential ideas you have for yourself or a sample blog you'd like me to run at TheAltTab@Gmail.com.

If A Girl at the Club is Eager for a 1 Night Stand, She's Probably Going to Rob You

AOL - It's becoming a familiar story: Boy meets girl. Boy brings girl home. Boy wakes up feeling dizzy and disoriented. And his apartment has been cleaned out.  At least three young men in Malmo in southern Sweden have reported being drugged and robbed after meeting a comely woman in a nightclub, according to TheLocal.se, a website publishing Swedish news in England..."An attractive girl came over and flirted with me. She was very forward. I just thought to myself that she found me attractive," Tim Ogren, 25, told the show, according to TheLocal.se...He said he brought the woman back to his apartment in an upscale neighborhood. She offered him a drink from a bottle of vodka she had in her purse. He accepted but soon felt ill and then blacked out. When he awoke several hours later, the woman was gone -- and so was his television, computer and other valuables.

So I guess a simple rule of thumb here to remember is that if you're a dude and a chic that appears out of your normal league starts laying it on heavy, she's going to rob you. Don't be fooled into thinking it's your lucky night.  Hot chics at bars fight off countless bro's who want nothing better than to rub their junk on the girls bum and buy her a drink.  If she's approaching you, she's got an ulteriour motive. From there you have to make the decision, do the valuables in my apartment outweight this smoking hot chic? 

If you have insurance the answer is quick and easy. Yes, yes going home with that smoking hot chic outweighs the valueables in  your apartment.  While you might not have a tv or computer for a couple weeks while you wait for the insurance check, you'll still be able to bask in the glow of "scoring up" to your friends.

Without insurance it becomes a little more difficult, several factors have to come into play.  How old is your stuff? If you were looking to upgrade soon this may be a way to slay two birds with one stone.  How long has it been? The longer its been the more acceptable letting yourself get robbed becomes.  Have you been on a string of fatties and uggo's? If the answer is yes then you definitely need to go through with this, if only to bring your cred back up with your circle of friends. No one wants to be known as the guy with the lowest standards.  Lower standards may equal a higher batting average, but really the psychological toll will catch up with you.

No matter what you decide, always remember to seal the deal before you let her drug you.  Make her work for your Ipad. Don't be a schmuck like poor Tim Ogren above, the guy definitely got liquored up and blacked out before the transaction was consumated.  That's the lose-lose situation that everyone should be striving to avoid. 

"I Won't Pay Movement" in Greece is a Genius Idea

ATHENS, Greece — They blockade highway toll booths to give drivers free passage. They cover subway ticket machines with plastic bags so commuters can't pay. Even doctors are joining in, preventing patients from paying fees at state hospitals. Some call it civil disobedience. Others a freeloading spirit. Either way, Greece's "I Won't Pay" movement has sparked heated debate in a nation reeling from a debt crisis that's forced the government to take drastic austerity measures — including higher taxes, wage and pension cuts, and price spikes in public services.

Say no more, I'm on board.  Who are we to argue with the Greeks on this one?  These are the people that founded political thought and philosophy, I'm fairly certain they're operating on a higher plane of existance than the rest of us. Playing chess while we're all playing checkers. Think about it, in other civilized countries people bitch and moan about taxes and fees but ultimately, except for a few law breakers, everyone ends up paying them.  Not in Greece. These guys form entire movements with awesome names dedicated to stiffing the man.  And it aint just your average crumb-bum scrub either, they've even got Doctors joining the fray so their patients don't have to pay the $5 co-pay. 

I wish some group of radical protesters would have had my back when I staged this movement myself a couple of weeks ago out on the Mass Turnpike.  CW inadvertently ended up in the Fastpass lane (whatever the hell its called) only to realize it too late to move over.  From there I just did what any sane person would do, gunned it as fast as I could, hoped the camera wouldn't catch my plate, and let out a string of profanities so vulgar that even the ragiest of road-ragers would have applauded.  

The camera caught my plate though. So now, instead of paying $1.25 to use a public road I'm paying a $50 for a simple mistake. Seems fair right? Never mind the fact that if I stayed on the pike until the absolute last exit my toll would have only been $7 or so.  But it's all good, I'll just pay my outrageous $50 ticket so Toll-Booth Willy, who's job requires less skill than the cashier position at Walgreens, can keep banking $18 an hour.  Gotta love turnpike corruption.

Minor League Hockey Coach Strips on Bench In Protest

The Puck Doctors  - An assistant coach for the CHL Colorado Eagles decided to protest a bad call by the ref by doing the most logical thing anyone could think of, stripping and tossing the articles of clothing onto the ice.

Hey Guy, if you're going to do it,  do it.  At least have the courage to follow through with what you started and give all these PuckSluts the show they came for.  Drop Trow or don't strip at all.

By the way, this is why I consider hockey a fringe sport at best.  This is the kinda shit you only see in fledgling sports, sideshows to keep the fans attention and keep their minds from wandering and realizing that the sport they're watching is just one big jumbled mess.

And spare me the minor league baseball comparisons.  At least when something funny happens in those games it ends up on Sportscenter.  This guy stripped and walked the backboard of the bench and the only place I've seen it is on some guys hockey blog. 

Chubby Asian Kid Lip Synching Puts Keenan Cahill To Shame (VID inside)

Chubby Asian Kid's Awesome Lipdub - Watch more Funny Videos

Boom, eat that Keenan Cahill.  Anyone can bob their head and pretend to know the lyrics to a few english songs, and get by on their devilish good looks, dredging up a few million hits with celebrity background appearances mixed in.

This kids got you beat for days.  Bare chested, full bodied dance moves, while lip synching some gibberish foreign song to the T? That takes real talent.  And the kid broke a viral hit without having to drop David Guetta or 50 Cent in the background of his video. 

As best I can tell that's just his little brother eating his lunch back there, initially uninterested as shit just enjoying his Chinese Bok Choi, until about the halfway point when he catches the spirit and becomes a side show of his own.  Mark my words, these kids will own the Web Cam Lip Synch industry within a month.

PS: Is that wicker thing off the left of the screen a human birds nest?

Stop Boating off the Coast of Somalia

Next time just drop Anchor on their Dinghy

LA Weekly - Jean and Scott Adam, two outdoorsy Orange County missionaries who belong to Saint Monica Catholic Church in Santa Monica and the Del Rey Yacht Club in Marina Del Rey, decided in 2001 to take the Holy Word to the open seas, sailing to foreign lands on their custom-built "S/V Quest" and handing out Bibles to the natives. But on February 18, their mission took a turn into darkness. An adventurous detour through the Indian Ocean led the SoCal couple (and their passengers, Seattle couple Phyllis Macay and Bob Riggle) straight into skull-and-crossbones territory:  Update: Jean and Scott Adam were fatally shot on their boat by pirates, authorities said today -- even as U.S. Navy ships trailed the vessel. Two pirates were then killed and 13 were captured, according to reports. Phyllis Macay and Bob Riggle, fellow voyagers from Seattle, were also killed.

To the Navy, what hell man? What good does "trailing the vessell" do? These guys have them at gun point.  We don't have any sharp shooters or Navy SEALS that can just go and take back the frigen boat? All the technology in the world and all we can do is trail the boats from a safe distance.  That is insane.  These people were going to end up dead anyway, how about sending a message to the next pirate ship and just blowing it up as soon as it crosses international waters? Who's going to slap us on the wrist for that? These guys are lawless animals just raping and pillaging harmless millionaires at will, I don't think anyone's going to care if you blow up 2 or 3 pirates that used to be the Fly-babies you'd see on the Catholic Charities commercials. 

I mean look at that picture above, we're not exactly dealing with international criminal masterminds, its a couple of morons in a motor powered dinghy.  Look at the weapons, they got one rocket launcher and a fucking stick.  That's what they're hi-jacking mofo's with, one grenade and a stick, unless that's a magical Staff from the Lord of the Rings, I'd think your average Navy Cruiser could take them.

And note to rich people, stop boating off the coast of Somalia, in fact just stay away from East Africa altogether.  I know this is a bit tasteless given how fresh this story is, but what the hell is the matter with people.  Why are ships still navigating these waters?

That article above goes on to detail that as many as 685 sailors on 30 ships are currently being held hostage off the coast of Somalia.  Doesn't take a genius to realize that this might be an area to avoid. The earth is something like 75% water guys, you can sail anywhere you want except about a 1000 sq mile radius off East Africa and the middle east. Most sane people thank god every day that they aren't within 1,000 miles of that hell hole of an area.   Go be like normal rich people and float around in the Mediterranean for a while, or the South Pacific near Tahiti.  

Don't get me wrong, what happened to the Adam's is a horrible thing and in no way are they to blame for the actions of a few swashbucklers, but at the same time this was completely avoidable.  For starters, how about not Bible Thumping in the heart of Jihadist land. Seems like it would increase your safety 10 fold on its own.

But I'm sure we'll be hearing about the next couple who thinks they're Richard Branson in a month or so, lets just hope they have something on board they can fend off a vicious stick attack with.

Girl Scout Cookies Leading to Assaults All Over the Place

Same face CW has when he runs out of Carmel Delights

Fight Over Girl Scout Cookies Leads to Woman in Jail - First of all, everyone has to click this link. The story reads like one of those epic fights between Peter Griffin and the Chicken, just all out mayhem spilling from the bedroom, down stairs, and then outside, with various props used in the beating along the way, so lets take a second to appreciate a few of the highlights I've clipped together:

The brawl began when the 31-year-old cookie monster confronted her sleeping roommate and accused her of eating the box of treats, police said. The roommate told Howard she'd given the cookies to Howard's kids, who were awake and hungry around 1 a.m...According to a police report, Howard grabbed a pair of scissors and threatened the woman. When the woman started to run down some stairs, Howard allegedly dropped the scissors, picked up a board and hit the woman as she ran down the stairs...Howard caught up to the woman again and knocked her to the ground and started to hit her. When the roommate managed to get outside the house, Howard grabbed a sign and started hitting her again, police said.

Allright, moving on. The blame for this has to fall squarely with the Girl Scouts for running the absolute worst business model in the world.  You have a product that customers froth at the mouth over, and are literally willing to go to jail for assault with a deadly weapon over, yet you don't think it would be a good idea to sell these cookies year round? Like why hold out? 2 months of the year is not enough.  I want my mom to offer to buy me cookies every time I go home, not just January-March. WTF girls?

If you think this was just some isolated case of a crazy, you couldn't be more wrong.  Just this past weekend I was home to pick up my yearly supply of cookies and my brother and I nearly came to blows because my mother wasn't home and we didn't know how many boxes of each we were supposed to get (long story short I got screwed out of 4 boxes, and I'll get my revenge in the next couple of weeks). 

Beyond that, still the funniest altercation I've ever seen at work arose over a box of thin mints.  Two chics, each who had purchased a box of thin mints from a third co-worker nearly came to fisticuffs over the cookies when both girls began claiming that they both were eating from eachothers boxes.  Things got so heated right out in the open on the floor that the guy who would get fired like two weeks later for taking illegal perscription drugs and running a gambling ring at work was the voice of reason in trying to calm these two banshees down (we all figured they both went to town on their own box of cookies and were too ashamed to admit they housed an entire box each so they blamed eachother, seems reasonable enough). 

So moral of the story, someone needs to talk the Girl Scouts into selling these things year round, if only to keep a certain level of decency in our society.

MBTA gives $650 Bill to Girl Who Lost Snake on Subway

I'd rather find a snake on the subway than this woman spaying shrapnel.

BOSTON - It is a hefty cleaning bill for a Massachusetts woman whose 3-foot long boa constrictor slithered away from her on a Red Line subway car in Boston and hid in the car for nearly a month. Transit officials want 30-year-old Melissa Moorhouse of Allston to pay $650 to cover the costs of disinfecting and sanitizing the train to protect passengers from germs such as salmonella that may have been left by the Penelope the snake.


Who is the MBTA kidding here, anyone who's ever been on the subway is aware that $650 is probably the equivalent of their entire cleaning budget for the year.  I'm not siding with this girl, I still think anyone that needs the comfort of their pet snake with them when they're traveling on the subway  needs a mental eval, but $650 to clean up after a snake is an absolute joke.

On any given day 1 out of 5 subway cars in Boston smells like piss. You know why? Because someone pissed in them.  There are old food wrappers, half drank cups of soda and alcohol, countless newspapers, bums taking naps, junkies taking rides just to stay warm, and old Asian ladies carting around live produce from what I can tell.  You want to talk about Salmonella? Lets talk about the people who smell like they just got off their shift at the hen slaughtering house. 

And to top off the hypocrisy, dogs are allowed on the subway.  I have no problem with this, but it seems like an asshole move to charge one lady for cleanup of a pet snake and to just turn a blind eye towards the dog that earlier that day probably ate his own shit and is now just chumming it up in the seat, licking its surroundings.  That's gotta be a health violation.

Morning Show Discusses "Long Stabby Things" (Vid Inside)

See more funny videos and Entertainment at Todays Big Thing.

Reporters are just killing it on the comedy scale lately, huh?  If you don't think so then you obviously didn't make it all the way to the 1:39 mark, because that is when the comedy gold arrives.  

By the way he completely knew what he was about to say.  "Jacking him off in the distance" isn't a euphemism for fighting or fending off a robber in any sense.  And for that I say bravo.  It took a bold step to throw that joke out there and he executed it perfectly.

Catfight in Brookline Breaks out over Fondu vs. Fondant

You know fondant tastes like plastic, right?

Brookline —A disagreement over the correct use of the word “fondue” led a Dorchester woman to threaten to kill a cake store clerk on Friday, according to Brookline police...Bogues and a friend visited the Party Favors Brookline store at 1356 Beacon St., where the friend spoke to a store clerk about cake ingredients, according to a police report. During the discussion, Bogues apparently took offense when the clerk corrected her friend’s usage of the word “fondue” when referring to “fondant icing.” “Fondue, fondant, who gives a f---. You’ve had an attitude the whole time,” Bogues told the employee, according to the police report. When an employee told Bogues “to relax,” Bogues put her hands on the counter and leaned forward toward the worker, and yelled, “I will kill you bitch,” according to the report. Bogue then swung her bag and knocked a plastic display case to the ground and scattered its contents, police reported.

I don't blame Ms. Bogues, here she is just trying to figure out how to bake a goddamn cake, presumably for her sons birthday, and you got this uppity broad behind the counter pointing out the subtleties between Fondu and Fondant. 

To quote Ms. Bogues "who gives a fuck?" This is why small American businesses are going under, they keep forgetting the customer is always right. With the 83 Cake related shows on the Foodnetwork right now does she honestly believe this woman didn't know the difference between Fondant and Fondu?  How the hell does the store clerk know that little Tyrone doesn't want a molten liquid cheese cake?  Or maybe she's normal and doesn't think eating eating pastry that is hard as cardboard is something her son enjoys?  Some of us just enjoy a normal, frosting based fondu cake. 

The clerk's second mistake was telling her to relax.  When are people going to learn, if you're in an illogical argument with a stranger and you say anything along the lines of "relax," 'calm down," "breath," or "chillax," you'd best be ready to throw down.   Nothing angers someone in the middle of a heated argument over petty bull shit more than being told to relax. You might as well have insulted her mother and thrown out the N-word, things wouldn't have gone any worse. Oh well, hope she learned her lesson.

Female Reporter Shits Pants During Interview

See more funny videos and Funny Videos at Todays Big Thing.

Just goes to show that a even with a language barrier, shitting your pants is still shitting your pants.

Like, I'd love to know what that guy was saying after she ran off, in fact I'm dying to know, but I'm pretty sure with 90% accuracy it went something like this:

White Shirt: Was that serious?

Camera Guy: What just happened exactly?

White Shirt: I think she just done crapped her pantaloons (because he's foreign)

Camera Guy: Whoa (in euro accent)

White Shirt: Am I being punked?

Seriously on that last one though, was he being punked or did she seriously just pull an Uta Pippig.

Best of the Blogs

Man's Best Friend - This is what cat people never understand.  Right after the dog did this they probably laughed their asses off after he helped him get up. Just typical clowning around with your best friend.  A cat would have done this and clawed your face up and then walked away.  Probably wouldn't see him again until it was time to get fed.


6 Kids I Tutor Who Will Never Be President - I remember schools using the job of the President as the big carrot & stick back in my day. "Study hard children and do your homework, one day you could become president." Not only is that a lie, these kids don't stand a chance, but who would want it anyway? Tabloids spying on me to see if I take cigarette breaks (its the most stressful job on earth, I don't even smoke but I can guarantee you I would if I was in that office), news outlets just ripping your every move regardless, 40% approval ratings considered doing a good job (meaning 60% of your country hates your guts any given day), plus the obligation to be politically correct 24/7 while you're in office.  Like how bad do you think Obama wants to just come out and call Gaddafi the terrorist that he is? Can't do it. I'll do it for you. You're a terrorist Gaddafi...a little off topic rant there, just click the link.


Meet Dom Mazzetti - Don't know how I haven't heard of him before but he's hysterical. Video Blogs count for this section right? I'm saying they do, check him out (that's him on our sidebar's video of the day today).  If you click just one link today click Dom Mazzetti, he deserves it.