Facebook to Now Allow Users to Pay to Promote their Status Updates and Instragrammed Food

Fox - Facebook wants you to advertise … to your friends. The world’s largest social network, which announced Thursday that it has crossed the billion-user mark, has struggled to make money from its enormous pool of users. The solution: Turning individual users into advertisers...Facebook announced Wednesday that Joe Sixpack will soon be able to ensure that you're reading his messages, thanks to an expansion of the Promoted Posts program, which lets businesses pay anywhere from a few dollars to a few thousand to ensure that hundreds of thousands of Facebookers see your posts. “As part of a test starting today, people in the U.S. can promote personal posts to their friends on Facebook,” explained Abhishek Doshi, a software engineer, on Facebook’s website. “When you promote a post -- whether it’s wedding photos, a garage sale, or big news -- you bump it higher in news feed so your friends and subscribers are more likely to notice it.”..Facebook announced Wednesday that Joe Sixpack will soon be able to ensure that you're reading his messages, thanks to an expansion of the Promoted Posts program, which lets businesses pay anywhere from a few dollars to a few thousand to ensure that hundreds of thousands of Facebookers see your posts. “As part of a test starting today, people in the U.S. can promote personal posts to their friends on Facebook,” explained Abhishek Doshi, a software engineer, on Facebook’s website. “When you promote a post -- whether it’s wedding photos, a garage sale, or big news -- you bump it higher in news feed so your friends and subscribers are more likely to notice it.”

Ok, I'm not going to get all dramatic and say that if you do this I'll un-friend you, I'm not going to bitch about the fact that on top of having to wade through countless advertisements for Tide Detergent and Duracell batteries every time I log on to Facebook just to see what my fake internet friends are up to, I'm now going to have to add advertisements specifically from those fake internet friends for garage sales, craigslist adds, and awesome pictures of what they had for dinner...I'm fine with all that.

I'm just going to say, if you're one of these people who feels the need to pay Facebook to ensure people see your post/status update/picture of food...You really need to look in the mirror and take stock of your life.  Really think about what that's saying about you. You're basically paying to advertise the fact that not only do you assume internet strangers and fake friends who, by logging into Facebook, are admitting they've got nothing better to do than to kill time and look for gossip fodder, aren't going to find you interesting enough to pay attention to...But that also your real friends have so little interest in what's going on in your life (or what you purport to be your life through phony updates) that they're just going to skim right by your updates. That's what you're saying.

So if you're at that point, I'd say paying $7 for a post that says "Little Caroline's First Poop on the Potty!", shouldn't be your top priority. Maybe getting out and seeing some real people, or a shrink perhaps. At the very least pick up the phone and talk to an actual human voice. Because when you're at the point where you're literally paying for the lowest form of human contact imaginable, the "Like", that's when you know you really need help.

State Funded Sex Change Murderer Toss Up

Would you rather be this, or...

Boston - Michelle Kosilek, the convicted murderer who is seeking a taxpayer-funded sex change operation, is asking for more than $800,000 in attorney’s fees and costs...Kosilek won her legal battle in US District Court in September. But the state is appealing the controversial ruling by US District Judge Mark Wolf that the surgery is the only adequate care for Kosilek’s gender identity disorder...Under Globe policy, Kosilek is being referred to as a woman because that is the gender with which she identifies. Born Robert Kosilek, Michelle Kosilek began transitioning to a female identity in 1990, the year that she strangled her then-wife. She has been staying in a men’s prison while taking hormones and developing female physical qualities.

So this has been the hot topic around Boston for what seems like months now, should this dude Robert (I know, why'd he pick Michelle right? Isn't Roberta the obvious choice?), a convicted murder serving life, be entitled to a state funded sex change because he views himself as a woman...Let's first state the obvious, No. Apparently though, the legal system has lost interest in common sense, and now he's going to become a she, on tax payer dimes, barring a successful appeal.

From the State's side, the tax payers side, or basically anyone or anything that has a basic level of common sense, this is an abomination. But from a prisoners side? Genius I say. So here's the toss up: Would you rather serve life in male prison with your natural born dick, or life in woman's prison, at the expense of a little nip and tuck.

This poor dude

Now this is life. You're not getting out. No parole. No good behavior. You're going to die in that cell. And I say fuck it, bring on the knife. I know myself, I know I'd last one hour in prison before my first anxiety attack over being raped by that guy with the lisp and his pocket hanging out of his pants from prison break. Screw that. I'll take a lifetime of scissoring with no dick over the threat of being some dude's pet. No shame in that. I'd say having no dick but living as the bull of the females prison is 100% more masculine than having your dick but using some large man's hairy stomach as your pillow when you go to bed a night for the rest of your life.

So Robert, I get it. I do. But you're still an asshole.

Lebron James Spent His Off Season Getting Hair Plugs

Terez Owens - Nike Sportswear has introduced the new LeBron James Diamond Collection apparel for the Holiday 2012 season, and as you can see above, LeBron looks a bit different….and now we know why. Our source tells us LeBron had hair corrective surgery a little over two months ago. We’re being told he was sick and tired of hearing all the jokes revolving around his rapidly receding hairline…and he knew no matter how many championships he won, people would always point to that right away. Now If you look at the pics side by side, you can definitely tell he filled in his coffin corners, and it appears the King with the thinning crown is no more. Maybe now he could scrap the Triple Headband. -TO

I want to hate on Lebron here, but I really can't. I mean he just looks flat out awful in that pic on the left. Guy is 27 years old and already has Karl Malone trademarked hair. You've gotta get that shit fixed.

Plus, it's good to see winning a championship didn't change who Lebron is...he's still a narcissistic baby who's way too concerned with what everyone things of him...and I love how people making fun of his fugly head of hair bothered him enough to do something about it but he's still content to chew his nails on the bench on live television, setting himself up for Lebron's nervous in the clutch, Lebron's a baby, Lebron still drinks from a bottle, Lebron needs people to cut up his food for him (actually that last one's true). He's just a giant enigma.

Oh yea...and MJ would have never done that. MJ may have clothes like a dickhead, but he knew to shave his head when he was going bald. He wasn't going to no hair club for men.

Obama-Romney Round 1: Romney Wins, With a Hat Tip to Michelle

So the Presidential debate, Round 1, went off last night, for real in-depth analysis you're better served going to any number of other sites, for a brief bare bones analysis and some snarky comments, you're in the right place.

With that said, Romney won.  Romney won in a landslide. And I say that as a non-Romney guy. He killed him. BO was constantly on the defense, Romney had that creepy perma grin on the entire night (though that may not have been on purpose, Romney's face looked like it had been pulled back recently which could explain that).  Bottom line, last night's debate could be broken down in one sentence as follows: Romney attacks, Obama forced to defend how shitty the country has been for the past four years, Romney gets away without having to let us in on one single detail of his economic plan, thus avoiding any areas for Obama to attack.

That was it, plain and simple. Oh, and the debate had possibly the most limp dick moderator of all time. Poor guy was just getting cuckolded on national television, outright ignored left and right.

So round one is in the books and it was a thoroughly Romney round. Good for him, he'll probably need it once we hit foreign policy, and especially for social issues debates...Gotta think the President will hone in on the whole hates gays, women, and vaginas thing.

Also, anyone looking for a reason why Obama looked so lost, confused, and frankly a bit perturbed last night should look no further than Michelle. It was the dude's 20th anniversary! If you don't think he caught some shit for making her spend it in an auditorium in Denver you're outside your mind. You know how much passive aggressive shit he probably caught in the week leading up to this? The guy is the President of the United States! If he didn't want this on his anniversary, it wouldn't have been on his anniversary! Michelle knows that. She knows he could have had this moved to basically any day of his picking, but he didn't. And as a result I have no doubt she tortured him with mental warfare all week, basically handing the debate to Romney.

...Or it simply could be that Obama, despite being an exceedingly nice guy, just really doesn't grasp how the economy works...

American Idol or Celebrity Rehab?

Daily Mail - Nicki Minaj is said to have threatened Mariah Carey after her American Idol co-star called her a 'b****' - it is now being claimed. Show bosses cancelled filming in Charlotte, North Carolina for the day on Tuesday after a huge blow up between the pair where Nicki allegedly threatened and swore at Mariah...Their fellow panellists Keith Urban and Randy Jackson were caught in the middle of the row, according to TMZ, which is running a video of the row, where Nicki can be heard ranting at Mariah. A source told the website: '[Nicki said to Mariah] "I'm gonna knock you out" - although this was not caught on tape.' In the video being run by TMZ, Minaj can be heard saying: 'I told them I'm not f*****g putting up with her f*****g highness over there [Referring to Mariah]. Figure it the f*** out. Figure it out.' Mariah can also be heard answering back in the video - but it is difficult to make out exactly what she is saying.

So here's the video, I can't embed for some reason, anyway...I'm going to have to revisit my opinion that this season of American Idol is going to be unwatchable, it might be the single most entertaining one yet...Not for good reasons like the talent is unreal or Simon and his charming snark are back or anything, but because the show has essentially degraded into a therapy session from Celebrity Rehab with renowned crazy Mariah Carey and crazy in a not so subtle way Nicki Minaj just squaring off nightly. 

Poor Randy Jackson in over his head trying to simultaneously judge the next generation of musical talent with his extremely limited range of vocabulary ("in it to win it" , "gotta have it", "dawg" , "for me it wasn't good" , that's it, those are the only english phrases you need to know to judge a singing competition on national television), and play Dr. Phil for these two nutso's. Then you've got that poor country guy, who literally has no idea what he signed himself up for, but the producers backed a truck full of cash up to his house because The Voice has a country guy so they needed to go get them one to keep up in the ratings, and lets be honest, all male country stars are interchangeable.

It's going to be crazy to say the least.

PS: I'm fully on team Mariah here. Maybe I'm just comfortable with her craziness after having her around for years now, I don't know. I just feel like she spent a decade and a half or so building her right to be certifiable, Nicki just throws on cotton candy for wigs and raps like a demonic toddler and we're supposed to respect her fragile creative mind. I don't think so. I'll take the subtle crazy over the in your face "look at me, I'm crazy" any day of the week.

Target's New "Amazing" Sales Training Program is Actually "Annoying" to Customers

Daily Mail - Target has a plan to take on the growing competition of online giant Amazon - and it all rests on making their employees 'amazing'. The staff guide to becoming an ideal Target employee have been leaked online, packed full of corporate buzzwords and cringe-worthy customer service tips. The training manual - entitled 'Welcome To Amazing' - provides workers with a script to follow, making sure that customer service is top notch...According to the Target script 'service is the difference maker' and leads to loyal customers. The manual goes on to describe the 'service vibe' which can 'make guests feel welcomed and comfortable...cared for and appreciated... and even moments that stir up a little spontaneous fun'. Store executives have then helpfully outlined what exactly classifies as an 'amazing moment' for staff...Store executives have then helpfully outlined what exactly classifies as an 'amazing moment' for staff...'A moment is when we look up from what we are doing to say hi to the guest that just came down the aisle... Amazing is how the whole family feels when we sincerely offer help,' it reads.

Look, I'm on record several times as preferring Target to Walmart. Hands down. But it's time for some tough love, Target. Because this is some of the most ass backward corporate strategy I've ever heard, and it's affecting me personally.

Last week I went into Target to buy a stick of deodorant. That's it. I realized that morning I was out, went to work, self consciously smelled my pits all day fearing I would wreak of B.O. and have no fat person near by to blame it on, and finally went over to Target after work to rectify the situation.

As I'm checking out, this young cashier pushes the "Target Debit Card on me." I say no thanks. She continues though. "I don't see why anyone wouldn't want it, it's free and you get whatever % percent she said cash back." Slightly annoyed I reply, probably because people don't want to open new credit cards, I thought it was over, it was not. She continues:

Annoying Check out Girl: But it's not a credit card!

Me: Oh really, what is it?

Annoying Check out girl (ACOG): It's a debit card, it's linked directly to your checking account.

Me, Now Really Annoyed: Well that's not really better, most people don't want Target attached to their personal checking account.

ACOG: I don't see why not, I did it and it's safer and more secure than my banks debit card.

Me, I've now had it: Oh really? Like, the same Target that had a massive consumer data breach about a year or so ago? That Target is safer than using the card my bank issued me?

And that was that, I bought my deodorant and left. Nevermind the fact that trying to upsell me on a stick of FUCKING DEODORANT was crazy to begin with. I'm not exactly buying a flat screen tv here where your 3% or 5% or whatever it was would actually mean something. I'm pretty sure I can handle a stick of deodorant on my own, thanks though.

And if it continues like that, if "Amazing" Sales people are going to "Annoy" the fuck out of me, every time I enter the store, I'll stop going. If Target wants some real help identifying areas of improvement from an actual customer here are a couple, written in their own corporate verbiage:

A "Moment" is when you walk into Target and see that only 3 of the 21 sales lines are open and you'll be stuck buying a box of q-tips behind the family of 5 and their annoying kids who can't decide what pack of check out line gum they want to buy along with their 35 other items that they'll be paying for with 3 separate credit cards. "Amazing would be walking in and seeing at least half of those check out lines open.

A "Moment" is walking into Target to be bombarded by sales people trying to up-sell you, apparently taking their cue from the annoying folks at BestBuy. "Amazing" would be walking into the store, finding my toilet paper and paper towels on my own, and checking out without having to interact with anyone.

A "moment" is walking into Target and realizing that all the checkout lines are manned by actual people. "Amazing" would be walking into see that Target has finally realized it is 2012 and every other store on earth has self checkout lines.

Just a few helpful hints guys. I still believe in you, but you gotta tighten things up and ditch the corporate sales pitch. It just doesn't work in the real world with people getting off work and just trying to do a quick errand before heading home for Thursday Night Football.

Golf, You Almost...Almost Had Me, But You're Still not a Real Sport

So all weekend long (or during commercial breaks for college and NFL football games) I watched the Ryder cup, setting a personal non-Masters golf watching record for the weekend, and why? Because the Ryder cup was fucking awesome. U-S-A chants, the States just dominating, the Euro-trash golfers just wilting away. It was beautiful.

And then Sunday afternoon happened. Shit hit the fan and the Yankees choked harder than anyone since...well I guess the 2004 New York Yankees. But where the actual Yankees were undoubtedly dejected, pissed off, and in disbelief,  the US Golfers were celebrating the European win! Phil clapping for his opponents, Bubba Watson tweeting like a Euro Groupie hoping for at least a hand job in the club house, fucking pathetic all around.






And all this while perhaps the most ruthless competitor of all time looked on...I mean, I'm almost in shock that MJ didn't go out there and crack Phil in the head with his driver after that display...Did Jordan ever clap after Malone, Drexler, Isaiah, or anyone else hit a couple of clutch free throws against the Bulls? Fuck no. And he sure as shit wasn't logging on to AOL afterwards to send a quick instant message of congratulations after back-breaking losses.

He does however, have clothes like a dickhead:

Anyone have two extra tickets to the Milli-Vanilli concert?

And to top it all off, perhaps the most golf rule of all time, apparently ties go to the defending champion. That's right. If the match were to end 14-14, the Euro's would win because they won the last time they played.  No playoff, no sudden death golf, no competition whatsoever. Just 4 days of Patriotic chants, nailbiting golf, and then they all shake hands and go home even if its tied, content to just give away the trophy based on the play of a group of guys from 2 years ago...Makes sense to me.

So like I said at the begging, Golf, you almost had me. Almost had me believing you were a real sport with real competitors, until the last 45 minutes or so on Sunday, that is.

Man Punts Cat 15 Feet, Gets Arrested...Should Also Get NFL Tryout

Chicago Sun-Times - Police charged a South Side man with animal cruelty after officers say they watched him take a running start and kick his kitten 15 feet before raising his arms to signal a field goal... The officers immediately arrested a laughing Percy Love, 22, after he allegedly kicked the small black cat Monday afternoon in the 6200 block of South Campbell, police said. He told officers: “This is my cat, Nightmare. He is tough, we play like that all the time. It’s just a cat,” police said. Officers cared for the cat until Animal Care and Control workers took custody. Animal Care and Control Director Cherie Travis said on her Facebook page that, “Despite the terrible abuse, the cat . . . is doing quite well. He’s in medical today getting an exam and X-rays. He is a very friendly and affectionate cat.”

Heinous animal cruelty aside (I don't even like cats, but that aint right), this kid's getting a tryout, right? I mean kicking a cat 15 feet seems like a fair accomplishment to me. Kid may be dumb as rocks and sounds like he's got the logistics of a punt and field goal confused, but if this kid can drop kick a cat 15 feet, I'd assume he'd have no problem coming out and coffin kicking some punts in the NFL...I mean 15 feet! That's a lot. I'd imagine it's hard to center and find the sweet spot on a cat for the kick, not to mention that they're not exactly proportional or inflated like a football. I think if you extrapolate that punt you've got something like a 45-50 yarder. Not bad. Certainly worth a look for a tryout at least...and if he sucks then you let the squad get one clean roughing the kicker hit in there...so he can get the experience from the cat's side for once. 

Photos Of ASU Baby Doing Keg Stand...Bad Parenting or Great Parenting?

Fox News - Arizona State University police are trying to determine whether a photo that appears to show a baby being held up by an adult for a keg stand is child abuse or an inappropriate photo opportunity. It's not clear if the child was actually drinking beer, but you can clearly see the nozzle in his mouth. Onlookers snapped photos as an adult held the child up for a "keg stand," where a person is held upside down and drinks as much beer as he can, MyFoxPhoenix.com reported...An ASU student reportedly disgusted about the circumstances apparently took a photo and submitted it to the website TheDirty.com. "I just don't see the joke in it at all," Nik Richie, the website's creator, told MyFoxPhoenix.com. "People are really looking at this saying, even if it was a joke, it is just poor taste and it is terrible parenting."


I like how the creator of a website who's sole purpose is to report private dirt on people's personal lives and profit off of it, is morally opposed to this HILARIOUS photo opp. Give me a break you squid.

Terrible parenting? That kid right there is a legacy. He's going to go to ASU in 16 years, and he's going to slay co-ed undergrads as the kid that's been doing keg stands at ASU since he was literally still in his huggies. Terrible Parenting? No. Great parenting. Parents always want whats best for their kid, well how about ensuring your kid walks on as Big Man On Campus from day 1. That's the best kind of parenting.

PS: I love how there's even a question of whether or not the kid actually drank the beer? Are we serious? It's just like when Jeremy Schapp asked Gronk if people really were spiking their kids in an act of Gronking...Gronk, straight these folks out: