It's Official, I'm Giddy About The Majestic Beast that is Bryce Harper

I don't even know what to like more here, that a 19 year old kid got his first hit while some asshole (literally) was mooning the pitcher, or the fact that he went for the aerodynamically sound helmet flip to help him leg out the double, or that beautiful mane of flowing hair he's got under their mo-hawk style...a flo-hawk, if you will...I loved it all. Safe to say I can't wait for this kids first jack, that bat flip is going to be one for the ages.

I loved it so much, that while patiently waiting for Sportscenter to air the kid's highlight yesterday, I realized my bowels weren't going to make it...what did I do? I positioned a full length mirror at just the correct angle for me to be able to see the tv, turned up the volume, and caught the whole thing from the shitter (and frankly, that was a revolutionary move that I see plenty more of in my future). Yes I could have just re-watched it on the internet again, but something that majestic had to be seen on the big screen.

 I Need more of this kid. Looks like I'll be watching a lot of TBS this year, they still run every Braves game on loop, right? Braves-Nats play 19 or so times this year, I hope my DVR can hold all of that.

Bonus Material: H/T to @mazz33 for this one:

"so much eye black that you're telling glare you won't stand for it." - @BattingStanceG

Home Plate Umpire Tackles Orioles Fan on the Field

That right there is what you call a form tackle, this guy must have been crushing NFL draft coverage this weekend. Mel Kiper Jr's probably breaking down tape right now, got him on the big board and everything. 

PS: How badly did this guy just cuckold the actual stadium cops? These guys chase bad guys for a living and routinely end up on blooper videos as drunks from the stands run circles around them...Mean while Jeff Kellogg over here simply acquired his target and took him out. Rendered the kid helpless all on his own before a team of 4-5 cops showed up to take care of Kellogg's sloppy seconds.

Winning the Breakup: Ex Girlfriend/Dentist Pulls Out all of Ex's Teeth

HuffPo - Breaking up is never easy -- having 32 teeth ripped out is even worse. A scorned dentist is facing jail time after surgically removing all of her ex-boyfriend's teeth after he dumped her, authorities in London said. Marek Olszewski, 45, made the mistake of scheduling an appointment this week with his ex -- 34-year-old Anna Mackowiak -- for a toothache, according to the Daily Mail. So Mackowiak allegedly did what any burned beau with a set of pliers and some anesthetic would do: she doped him up, pulled out all his teeth, and wrapped his head with bandages so he wouldn't notice until he left her office. "I tried to be professional and detach myself from my emotions," she told the news site. "But when I saw him lying there I just thought, 'What a b-----d.'"...Worse, Olszewski's new girlfriend dumped him because, well, she couldn't date a man without any teeth, the Daily Telegraph reported.

"Game, Set, What aisle do you keep your denture cream in?"

Talk about winning a break up, lady didn't even have to break a sweat either. No planning, no stakeouts, hell she didn't even have to take time off from work, the guy just came to her...she probably billed his insurance too! When you profit off your revenge (at least initially, I have a gut feeling she'll be paying him back plus interest) you know you're doing something right.

And as for this guy...what the fuck bro? What are you doing? Find another dentist, it's not that hard...or just don't go to the dentist for a while. You're English, right? I assume skipping a 6 month check up once in a while is no big deal to you...maybe just wait until things cool down with your scorned lover/dental practitioner. 

PS...I have a hankering his current girlfriend didn't just break up with him because he had no teeth, that's just temporary...Guessing it had more to do with the fact that this guy was dumb enough to go back to an ex for medical/dental work.

The Boston Celtics Game 1: One Bad Call, One Bad Rondo Reaction

Please, Pleassseee David Stern, use your better judgement for the first time in in the last half decade or so and realize this was an accident. Or have it in your heart to take into account just how fucking awful of a call that was by the ref. Was it a hotheaded reaction from Rondo? Absolutely. Did he mean to make contact? I don't think so, he clearly tangled feet with him. Would any of this have happened if this jackoff of a ref had just called this a jump ball like it's been called the millions of times prior to this?

I've been saying for years that they need to control scrums on the floor...there is a foul or five every single time there is a loose ball on the floor but it's never called. Never. Drives me insane. So excuse me if the Celts were a bit pissed off and a bit shocked when this guy decided to call a foul on the floor for the first time in history. They must not have gotten the memo about the rule change before the game. 

So again, please Mr. Commissioner, don't let one god awful call, and one stupid reaction to that call determine this series. It already swung the fate of one game, don't let it swing two. 

Groveling, over. 

On the Celtics home front, I can't help but notice that none of this would have happened if anyone but Rondo could buy a bucket. I mean, god love Pierce, he kept chucking all night long, didnt matter that he was 5-19 and should probably be focusing on driving and getting to the line. Took KG 2 and a half quarters to get in the game, pretty sure Brandon Bass not only didn't show up, but something called an "Ivan Johnson" ate his lunch too...(side note, the box score only credits Ivan with 5 rebs total, I was watching, that's bogus. Guy had at least 5 offensive rebounds in the second half alone). On the surface its hard to get on Bradley, he absolutely dogged Teague and Hinrich in the one man full court press, and that's worth something I guess, but he was completely lost in the half court...on offense and defense. The picture I'm trying to paint here was it was Rondos game to win or lose...and he lost it right when the C's were gaining some momentum...but we would have never been in that position if he had any help at all. 

Oh, I forgot to mention, Doc played nine guys...in the first half...because anytime you can have Keyon Dooling and Sasha Pavlovic on the court at the same time in the middle of a playoff game, you gotta do it. 

Ok, rant over, I'll let this all go...Part of me just hopes that Pierce, KG, and Doc all collectively thought this was the last regular season game and they were just on auto drive mode like they'd been for the last week and a half. Lets hope they wake up for game two.

Michael Jordan's Charlotte Bobcats Are Now the Worst Team in NBA History

CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- The worst season in NBA history is over for the Charlotte Bobcats. Gerald Henderson had 21 points for the Bobcats, whose 23rd consecutive loss left them with a winning percentage of .106 (7-59) in the lockout-shortened season. The record was set 39 years ago, when the 1972-73 Philadelphia 76ers finished 9-73 (.110) in a full regular season. "Going 7-59 like we did is not what we planned on doing," Henderson said. "This doesn't sit very well with me. These last 10 games, we've really tried to get after it, compete and not get that record. It just didn't happen for us. We just didn't have enough. We couldn't come up with the plays. "When you look back at it and see we lost 59 games, you always think, `We could've won one more.' " 

Gerald Henderson, walking quote machine huh? I mean these are some gems. 

 "Going 7-59 like we did is not what we planned on doing"

"When you look back at it and see we lost 59 games, you always think, `We could've won one more"

Uhh...yea Gerald, thanks. I mean, you actually could have won a lot more than one more...you lost 59 times, that's 59 more games you could have won...based on that statement, and the first quote, was your plan to go 8-58?  Was that what you guys planned on doing? 

Does anyone know if MJ actually cares? That's a real question...the guy is filthy rich, his shoes continue to be best sellers despite the fact that he retired like, a decade ago, just money flowing in constantly, he must not care, right? This guy was pyschotically competitive as a player, I have to think if he cared even an ounce about this team he'd be doing everything he could short of suiting up to help this team improve...that doesn't not seem to be the case here.

PS: Is Anthony Davis on suicide watch yet?

Red Sox Fans Pulse Check: Carl Crawford - MotherF*cker!

ESPN - The Boston Red Sox announced Thursday night that Carl Crawford has a sprained ulnar collateral ligament in his left (throwing) elbow, the injury that often results in Tommy John elbow reconstruction surgery. But rather than opt for surgery, the team said the outfielder will follow a protocol of more conservative treatment. "It is what it is what it is," Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine said Thursday night after Boston's 10-3 over the White Sox in Chicago. "We'll just let Mother Nature take the time to heal him up and get him back. I don't know how to explain it or put it into my thought. I wish he was 100 percent. Not playing for awhile is going to kill him more than it's killing me." A major league source told ESPN's Pedro Gomez that Crawford is expected to miss three months, a timetable that Crawford challenged in a text message to John Tomase of the Boston Herald. "I don't know where they got three months from," Crawford texted, adding he doesn't expect to be out that long..."I'm good," he texted. "It's just one of those things you can't control. I'm still looking forward to coming back strong." The Red Sox said in their statement that Dr. James Andrews, who examined Crawford Thursday, confirmed the diagnosis made by the team's medical staff.

Goddamnit. Carl, you're driving us freaking insane...I'm sorry, I know it's not your fault, I'm trying really hard here not to be a dick to you, but the circumstances...FUCK...I just need to be upset at someone and unfortunately, you're an easy target. 

Here the Sox are, 4 game winning streak, bats are alive, Felix Doubront is the blossoming ace of the staff (albeit with a 4.09 ERA, but still, ace of the staff), Bobby V hasn't said anything dumb in a couple of weeks, and then this. 

Please excuse me if I believe Pedro Gomez' time table over your own, too. At this point he has much more credibility with me than you do. Guy literally had his nose up and around Barry Bonds butthole for years, pretty sure he's more than capable of snooping your expected time table for return. So three months it is, I won't believe it'll be a day less until I see you take the field. Again, I know this isn't really your fault, injuries happen, but shit, you're kinda like the Official Ruiner of the Boston Red Sox right now...like that should be your title: 2012 Ruiner. 

PS: I know everyone swears by James Andrews, and he may really be a miracle worker, but goddamn do I freaking hate that guy...Let's be honest, that guy has never given an ounce of good news to any athlete, anywhere, ever.  He's like the Grim Reaper of sports medicine...Yea, he's probably saving some of these guys careers, but as a fan the second I hear his name associated with someone from one of my teams, I immediately head to Kappys for a six-pack. Nothing good ever comes from visiting James Andrews. Just once I'd like to hear a story saying, "he visited James Andrews today, turns out he's fine."  Nope, for some reason flying down to his clinic in Alabama is like the Bermuda Triangle for tendons and ligaments...no one has ever come back in tact.

UPDATE: George Zimmerman's Website Make $200K in Three Weeks!

ORLANDO, Florida – George Zimmerman's website seeking money for his legal defense may have been shut down, but apparently not before pulling in quite a haul for the high-profile Florida murder defendant. The attorney for Zimmerman, charged in the February shooting of unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin, says in a TV interview Thursday that his client's website has raised more than $200,000 ... TheRealGeorgeZimmerman.com was launched April 10, as a digital soapbox for Zimmerman to give his side of the story, as well as a fundraising tool to solicit donations to his legal defense fund. Zimmerman used the site, which took major credit cards, to communicate messages to his supporters. But the site was shut down as of this week. 

For real? $200k in 3 weeks? There are people out there that had $200k of disposable (and really that's as disposable as disposable comes) income to give this guy? Fuck me. 

A few weeks back when I heard about this I said that I may quit the internet if this little venture of his was successful...Now, I'm not going to do that, but I'm debating whether or not George is an internet genius and I was just too stubborn to see it...Like, is that the way to do it, just put up a paypal button and beg  you guys to donate? Does that work better than these ads that you guys don't click?

I might have to try out a little experiment this weekend and throw up a donate button when I get some free time...don't worry, I can 100% assure you all proceeds will go to frivolous things and items of semi-luxury. 

Andrew Luck: Huge Geek.

"With the first pick in the 2012 NFL Draft, from Stanford University, though you may know him better as Sam Weir, from Freaks and Geeks, Andrew Luck."

That's him folks, you simply won't convince me otherwise. Little Sam Weir continued his geeky ways all the way through high school, got himself into Stanford where he somehow stumbled upon some scientific formula that made him the best qb in all the land.  Only way to explain how this supernerd made his way to becoming the number one pick in the NFL draft.

PS: As a Pats fan, whats the protocol here? Do I automatically have to hate him, or what? The Colts may have been our greatest rival during the Brady era, but they're hardly our natural rival, it was more due to competition. With the team sucking, clearing house, and ditching Manning, does my hatred for all things Colts still have to stand? Seems like a waste of energy if they're going to suck for the next few years on their own, if you ask me. I think I'm going to take a wait and see approach.

Am I The Only One Who Doesn't Know What W.B. Mason Does?

Posed that question during a Red Sox game the other night (these are the kinds of things you're missing if you're not following me, folks) after I saw what had to be the 10,000th W.B Mason commercial in my lifetime of watching the Sox...10,000 commercials, been sponsoring the Sox for years...Had no idea what they did. I know their catchphrase, "Who, But WB Mason, That's Who," but didn't actually know what product or service they provided. 

For a long time they ran commercials with some guy delivering paper to some father and his daughter, so naturally I assumed it was some sort of local version of Dunder Mifflin, but then this season they started talking about coffee pots and Keurig machines, completely threw me for a loop until my friend filled me in on what was going on. 

Apparently its an office supply company, and according to my friend, who I'm now wondering if he's just a glofiried office administrator, coffee is now a big part of the office supply game...who knew? 

To be fair, I'm not an office administrator, so I have no experience in that realm. Also, the commercials are like 2 minute short films. There's so much dialogue and the story is so rich and compelling that it distracts me from figuring out what the hell is going on at this company. They got the best commercials in the game when it comes to production value, and about the worst I've ever seen when it comes to figuring out what they're trying to sell me.

Who But W.B. Mason.