Newt Gingrich Fires Back, and I Applaud him.

Bravo Newt, Bravo.

Now let me say this, I'm not a New Gingrich fan, the only thing more absurd to me than this man convincing 3 women to marry him, is his ability to get people to vote for and support him. There's literally nothing likeable about this guy, aside from this hilarious picture of him looking exactly like the Dwight Schrute of the 70's.

That said, he is spot on, right here. I am so tired of tuning into these political debates and being bombarded with tidbits from the candidates personal lives like it somehow impacts their policy making decisions. Who gives a flying fuck. Seriously. Newt, against all odds, convinced 3 women (THREE!) that his portley ass was marriage material, despite all evidence to the contrary. That should be celebrated. Deep at heart he's just a romantic, looking for everlasting love...And if that everlasting love should be his current wife, or his buxom new secretary, or the girl he drunkenly takes home from some hoity-toity cigar bar  for a one night stand, so be it. At least he's out there, putting it all on the line, which is more than most can say. Same goes for Mitt hiring Mexicans to lay sod in his yard, and whatever we're sure to find out Rick Santorum is into. I don't give a shit. Just tell me how you'll lead this country to a better place. 

That's all that used to matter, George Washington and Thomas Jefferson were out there fathering mulatto-slave babies while they founded the country, Reagan was divorced, Kennedy banged every upright piece of cooch in the tri-state area, and FDR's wife was a carpet munching lesbian, and he was cool with it. What do they all have in common? They're all revered as some of the better Presidents in American history, despite the fact that, on occasion, they liked to get their dicks wet. 

I'm not saying you can't condone them privately, or disagree with their morals, I'm just saying none of this should have anything to do with an electoral debate. We've got enough real shit going on in this country, we don't need to be focused on which of the candidates like to get some strange from time to time. 

And for that, Newt, I agree with you. Though, please note, I still don't really like you...at all.

Mailman Tosses Package Containing Ugly-Ass Clock Over Fence

There is not giving a shit, and then there is Really not giving a shit. And bravo to this mailman, because he just won the "I Don't Give a Shit Employee of the Year Award."

Was it an asshole move? Definitely. Should this guy be complaining about his "black forest cuckoo clock?" No. First off, it was either toss it over the fence or load it back up in the truck and drive on down the road, it would have been on you at that point to haul your ass down to the post office to pick that thing up during their regular business hours, standing in line with the rest of the lepers and cretins who haven't figured out how to use e-mail for everyday correspondence yet.

Secondly, that is one ugly-ass clock. I don't know what you paid for it, but I'm guessing you got ripped off. Whatever the post office gives you for compensation, I'd say pocket it and cut your losses. You're not seriously going to hang that on your wall, are you? I mean I could see if you were a hipster and were hanging it for ironic purposes (in which case a broken cuckoo clock is probs even better), but I get the feeling watching this video that you just have bad taste. If anything this mailman saved you from yourself.

A Few Weeks with A Keurig, and a Few Observations

The CW' household forever changed on Christmas when we received the worlds most talked about countertop appliance, the Keurig. Curious as to what all the hooplah was about I set out to report on any insights gained in my first three weeks with this machine, to see if it could live up to my self-dubbed nickname for it, the White Man's Crack Spoon.

1. It’s clean, like you’d think I’d hired a Puerto rican house keeper named Juanita, until you opened up my silverware drawer and saw that all the forks and knives where still there. I actually can’t get over it. My old coffee maker was an unmitigated disaster. First off, I’d never once changed the water filter on the back, nor do I know anyone that ever has, period. Just your average domestic bio hazard. Secondly, the coffee pot itself was tinged a darker shade of brown than hypothetical Juanita. Why? Because I’m a lazy cleaner, I just rinse it out, and scrub it once a year or so. I just never saw the point…it’s stained from the same stuff I’m going to be making today, right? It’s like that piece of Tupperware you have that is forever tinged red/orange because of that one time you froze spaghetti sauce in it. There’s nothing wrong with it, its just a little off colored. Finally, my counter was just littered with coffee stains, because, for some reason, the makers of coffee pots haven’t figured out how to make a fucking lip that won’t dribble all over the place like a 3 year old learning to pee standing up for the first time when you go to pour a fresh cup in the morning. That shit drove me insane. And now that’s all gone. None of that is present in the Keurig. There is no water filter to my knowledge (not that this knowledge would change anything). There is no pot to clean, and there is no pouring of the coffee. It’s the dream.

2. It’s all people want to talk about. I thought it was strange how much people wanted to talk about the Keurig after I received it on Christmas, but figured it was the novelty and the fact that I’d just got it that day…I could have told everyone that I’d won $50k on a scratch ticket and they’d have been more interested in the Keurig. I have a cousin who swore up and down that he’d never even seen one before (he lives out in Hawaii, so maybe it’s possible? I don’t know), needless to say he was immediately converted to the legions of k-cup zombie followers, I think if he tried a few more flavors he would have offered me $200 on the spot for it. But still, people still wouldn’t be clinging to this banal piece of domesticity three weeks later, would they? Yes. Yes they would. It’s like a cult. I had a 3 day e-mail exchange with late blogger, The Maestro, over various flavors and purchasing strategies. We’ve had friends over, who upon seeing the Divine appliance, begin babbling in tongues, raving about their favorite flavors and how this seemingly innocuous device has changed their lives. It’s wild. And it's the same conversation every time: "Oh, we have one of those too! Don't you love it? Our favorite flavor is xyz, what's yours? You know you can buy the pods cheaper here (generic place they happened to find a sale)." It's madness, I tell ya.

3. “Single Serving” is a bit of a misnomer. First off, it has two settings, small and large. Logically, this doesn’t make sense. A single serving, is a single serving, is a single serving. Pick a size and go with it. Secondly, one person’s single serving is another person’s sip, ya know? Like, look at my mug. I’ll pause while you take it in…Yes, that is a Winston’s cup 25th anniversary coffee mug, celebrating all the great champions of NASCAR Yore, the time period right before Jeff Gordon showed up and made it a pussy sport. I love that mug, and it’s because Jeff Gordon isn’t on it…Anyway, I digress. It’s a BIG FUCKING mug and two large’s doesn’t quite fill this up, but 3 is too much, messing with my daily fuel consumption, and possibly leading to the lack of productivity on this blog lately. I’ve more or less assimilated, so this isn’t a big deal anymore, but still, given that this is America, and as a people we are by and large, anywhere between overweight to mordibly obese, I find it odd that Keurig would select such a small pour for their definition of “single serving.” I'm an American and I’ll be damned if I’m going to give up my un-alienable right to diabeetus, for the convenience of not having to deal with the social stigma that my dingy brown coffee mug created whenever guests caught a glimpse of it.

4. It’s not quicker people. It’s just not. This is by far my biggest pet peeve when discussing the Keurig. And if you think it is quicker, it means one of two things, A) You’re not the one making the coffee in your household, or B) You were doing it wrong before.

Point A was the biggest selling point in my fiancée’s (still really weird to say/type) marketing campaign in favor of us becoming a Single Serving household, which I repeatedly shot down with vigor (we only converted due to Christmas). See, I make the coffee in the house. I get up, add the water, scoop the ginds, and press the “on” button. The fiancée gets up and gets in the shower. A cup of perfectly mixed coffee magically appears upon her exit. Even if you were to buy into the idea that the Keurig is quicker, there would be no time saved on her end, as there was not time spent to begin with. Despite my contention that my stance was well rooted in logic, we would bicker over this selling point like the old couple we’ll surely become.

Point B is all about efficiency. If you were an idiot, and stood blankly staring at your previous coffee pot as it percolated and dripped endlessly for 5-6 minutes, then yes, the Keurig is faster, but that’s just because you’re a moron. If you were smart, you simply poured the water, scooped the grinds hit “on” and went on with your business, returning only to pour the coffee once it’s done. This is not possible with the Keurig. If you’re like me and take a double dose, you must stand there while the water heats for an extended period of time (but not so extended that it makes sense to walk away and take care of something else), put in the first pod, watch it pour, and then put in the second pod, and again, watch it pour. This is a complete waste of time, and it’s possible this is another reason for the lack of productivity on this blog in the morning. And for the nitpickers who will ask, why watch it pour? Why not walk away? Because, the Keurig does not use a heating apparatus once the coffee has poured, unlike a traditional coffee pot. And being a sane, non-psychotic person that I am, I prefer my coffee not be served at room temperature. This necessitates my consumption process starting shortly thereafter the coffee is poured.

5. It is fun. Despite the negativity of the two previous points, I very much look forward to weekends with my Keurig. You might say I feind for it. Twice since bringing our newborn home I’ve woken up on a Saturday morning, nudged the fiancée and said “hey, lets go make coffee!” Old me would have been appalled. Old me would have rolled out of bed hours later and drove to Dunkin Donuts. Yes, I’ve become a K-Kup Krazie weekend warrior.

Man Holds Up Gambling Parlor By Threatening them with Staph Infection

Wouldn't be so tough if it was AIDs he was threatening  you with.

SHARON, Pa. - Police say a man tried to rob a western Pennsylvania gambling parlor by threatening to spread a staph infection. Online court records don't list an attorney for 41-year-old Fred Parker, of Coolspring Township. Police say he walked into Lucky's Internet Cafe in Sharon on Monday night and began touching the walls and gambling machines, claiming he has MRSA — a serious staph infection that resists antibiotics.

Why would you say Staph? You don't go with AIDS here? Nine times out of ten when you walk into a gambling saloon people aren't even going to know what Staph is, right? Nevermind this random strain that he was claiming to have...I consider myself much smarter than the average person but if someone came in threatening me with something called MRSA Staph, I'd have no idea what the fuck he was talking about, I'd legitimately have to ask him what kind of danger level I'm facing. 

ME: "Can't I just treat it with penicllian?"

Generic Bad Guy: "No, it's a special strain." 

ME: "Well surely if I run right over to the hospital, I'll end up ok, right? I mean, I'm in otherwise good health."

Generic Bad Guy: "Yea, they could probably help you out, you'd get fairly sick until they figure out how to treat it, see there are treatments, but none are 100% effective so its kind of a trial by error process."

ME: "Oh, thanks, that's pretty informative. How about this, I give you some of my money, in exchange for you not sticking me with that nuissance of an infection you've got there? I mean, it's not AIDs, I can't give you all my money."

Generic Bad Guy: "You know what? You've got a deal?"

Would that really be worth it? Having to painstakingly explain to me how deadly or not deadly the disease you may or may not have in your needle is? Probs not. Just go with AIDs, regardless of whether or not you've got access to AIDs,  you're still walking out with everything I've got, it's the Golden Gun of infection diseases.

My Newest Favorite Music Video is "Da Bes"

You want to know what's really insane? That, despite everything you just saw, the slo-mo sword fight, the slow mo fingers in the air, the random cartoon chic on the hood of the car being engulfed by flames, the Sun holding down a righteous beat, the fact that they filmed this in their front yard in plain view of everyone, and the bro straight up crowning himself with a tiara at the end, The BEST part of this video is the description on Youtube:

shiiiiiiii, 3rd track off my album. gonna be a hidden track, you gotta listen to the second track all the way through to get to dis one. took a minute to get this one up cuz SOMEONE ON THIS STREET CALLED THE POLICE ON US, AND TO THAT SOME1 (IF YOU WATCHIN THIS VIDEO, WHY YOU HATIN?) EITHER WAY I JUS SAID F IT, WE AINT GET ALL THE SHOTS WE WANTED, BUT WHATEVER, WE STILL GO HARD.

This somehow tops the actual video itself, which, by about the 1:30 mark I would have found unfathomable, frankly. This is his 3rd ALBUM! And not only that, his albums are in such demand that he's tossing out hidden tracks. Plus, he turned out this absolute masterpiece, despite not getting all the shots they wanted because some hater called the cops on them. If I had to guess that would have been when they were in the final sword fight scene and he was pouring what appeared to be sparkling cider off the roof of his car, presumably for his homie who just perished in a medieval sword fight.

The internet does it again.

PS: If the artist GMCFOSHO happens to read this, I'd love an Alt-Tab theme song.

A Backload of Potential Blogs, All in One Super Blog! You Know You're Excited

So as all my devoted, daily followers have probably noticed by now, the blog has slowed down. I just wanted to assure you all (all 30 or so of you who don't accidentally end up here through a random google search for things like "gay shit," "hooker," and "zack morris," all true search results that will lead you here) that it's not due to a lack of dedication or anything, it's just my real job. It sucks, a lot. And it'll continue to suck until we're able to put a wrap on January, so bear with me here.

But, on the plus side, I'm still doing blog research just about every day, I just can't find the time to actually write anything...The result? Today's superblog, my backload of stories I've been attempting to write for at least a week, that has now gotten so long its filled one whole page of a word document, and is causing me anxiety every time I open it and am bombarded with a smattering of goofy blue newslinks, and one line thoughts like "gummy bears for adults." Without further ado:

Gummy Bear Vitamins for Adults - This has to be the clearest sign yet that our generation, as a whole, are a bunch of immature, 25-40 year old, children. And I'm not complaining. Putting these things in gummy bear form is brilliant, because frankly, I'm starting to think the pediatric flintstone gummies I've been taking for the last 12 years aren't working. It's as if they're not made for 27 year olds or something.  And if you're looking for anyone to blame for this phenomenon of adult children, look no further than Toys R' Us, who in hindsight might have produced the most effective marketing campaign in the last 50 years. I mean, we literally took this shit to heart (Yes, that is a child Urkel at the :25 second mark).

Burger King Testing Home Deliveries - No thanks guys. It's taken DECADES for asians to figure out the home delivery game. Just in the past few years did they start getting orders right and putting people that speak a respectable form of English on the phone taking the calls. I have literally no hope that Burger King figures this out and hits the ground running. I have a hard enough time conveying my order to these MENSA candidates through the drive through, and I'm only like 30 feet away from them at that point, never mind a few miles down the road, depending on cell service and the listening capabilities of a 2nd year ESL student. Plus I didn't even think illegal aliens could get drivers licenses?

Iran Government Cracks Down on Barbie Dolls - In a victory for feminists everywhere, the Iranian government has declared immoral, and anti-muslim.  Also, in a serious blow to feminists everywhere, you share the same train of thought as an Iranian terrorism cell/government, so... Also, just so you don't think all middle easterners are batshit crazy: "My daughter prefers Barbies," a 38-year-old mother named Farnaz told Reuters. She said her daughter thinks the other dolls on sale "are ugly and fat." Warms my heart.

Warren Buffet Just Will Not Shut Up About Paying Extra Taxes - Only he won't do it unless Republican fat cats do the same...because if there is one thing Republican fat cats are known for, it's voluntarily paying extra taxes. I'm so fucking tired of these empty vows, Warren. Put your money where your mouth is or shut the fuck up. Stop teasing the American people, saying you'll pay extra taxes, cover the national debt on your own, but only if x,y,z happen. Shit or get off the pot. You got extra money to burn and are feeling bad about it? Give it back. You don't even have to give it to the government, just got out there and spend it on useless shit. Jump start this economy on your own. Buy like, 1 dozen Alt-Tab t-shirts (they're seriously good quality folks, I bought myself one for Christmas), buy enough twinkies to keep Hostess afloat for another few years, tell your limo driver to double the speed limit whereever you go and just pay an endless stream of speeding tickets...I don't care how you do it, but unless you actually intend to start paying more money, you need to shut up. I'm sick of giving you the benefit of the doubt. You're like the worst billionaire ever. Guilty about your money, but simultaneously thrifty as fuck.You just seem a little, phony.

MBTA Holds Public Meetings on Fare Hikes - Perhaps the greatest example ever of government inefficiencies. Guys you're deeply in-debt, you have no way of paying it off given your current business model, it's time to raise prices. Simple as that. You cannot offer your service, as currently offered, at the existing price. Just raise the freaking prices and be done with it. A private company would have just come out and said, due to rising operational costs, and expensive debt created buy our own greed and top heavy payroll, we now need to charge you, the customer, more for our service. Simple as that. Just do it and see how people respond. If they keep riding (which they will), you're good. Doing this whole, painfully drawn out process when the solution is inevitable is just making things worse. If you'd just raised the prices when you realized you needed to people would have been upset for like 2 weeks and that would have been the end of it...Instead people are sounding off daily while you continue to drag your feet. 

Childhood Flashbacks: Super Slot Cars

Yea, I know the video is titled super slot cars, and its like a bunch of German engineering whiz's operating this bad larry, but does anyone actually think that track is cooler than some of the shit from the early 90's that I so desperately lobbied my parents to install in our basement? 

Consider my very first electric car track:

Pretty simple right? And not that much different than Klaus and Hans over here are expecting us all to marvel at...No shit you guys can make a fast slot car track, you're adults! I used to put that thing together every day after school for like 6 months, NBD (no big deal), I was EIGHT! I even built one later on (that I sadly can find no trace of on the internet for some reason) that had a gigantic upside down loop with a open gap in the middle of it...that's right the cars flew for a micro second, while upside down...And it's not like I was some child prodigy or anything, just a kid who knew how to snap together pieces of a plastic track.

Color me unimpressed about a bunch of adults creating suped up slot cars, don't even have an upside down loop. You guys probably work in the Porsche manufacturing plant, go make a real car.

PS: there is an absurd amount of slot car videos on youtube starring adults...what the fuck guys, I loved playing with these things as much as the next guy when I was a child, but I grew up. You guys still sucking down Sunny D's and chewing Airheads too?

Translating the Most Difficult Human Language: Woman-Speak

I feel that way often times after my failed attempts at engaging the opposite gender too, Mr. Chan


I apologize for my lengthy hiatus, loyal Alt-Tabbers. I was under the delusion that, upon graduating from college in one of the worst economies since the Great Depression, that I would be showered with job offers simply because I now possess a $160,000 dollar piece of paper that confirms I can bullshit 4 years of academia in which I acquired no transferable skills beyond that of being able to legally drink/purchase alcohol. Well, quite the opposite is true. I have sent out countless job applications, written an obnoxious amount of cover letters, and the only phone call I’ve received is from my mother wondering when I was coming home from a ski trip. The funny thing is, I am still in the “grace period” in my peers/parents eyes. For some arbitrary reason, people seem to have an inordinate amount of sympathy for me when I say I’m looking for jobs. They give me a misty eyed look and usually try to encourage me with some sort of anecdote about persevering, like I am headed off to fight in the gladiator arena, or something like that. In any case, my unemployment status, while not beneficial in the monetary sense, has given me ample time to fire up my messed up mind to come out with more golden blog entries.
I don’t pretend to be a “ladies man” or anything of the sort. It’s not like I’m Raj from the Big Bang Theory and am rendered speechless when they come into my general vicinity, but I’ll openly admit I am cautious at best around members of the opposite sex. Despite this aspect of my personality, I do believe I have some keen insight into the vast complexities of the female lexicon. Everyone knows that, even if guys and girls are both speaking English/Yiddish/Whatever the hell language you want to put here and saying the exact same words, the underlying meaning is completely different and often times is the culprit for the miscommunication between those of us with a Y chromosome and those without. I’ve isolated some of the most frequently heard phrases that women utter, and through pain staking analysis deciphered what the actual meaning behind the words is.

#1.) What she says: “We need to talk”
What she means: “You need to figure out what nonsensical/obscure thing you did to piss me off, and you better have a valid answer quick.”

This one is universally feared by all men, and 99 % of the time it usually ends up with guys making vast relationship concessions and heartfelt (or as close as we can come to a reasonable facsimilie of sincerity) apologies typically without the slightest indication as to what we did or why it is a problem. In the realm of female-dom, passive agressivism is king and men happen to be the court jester that is forced bend to it’s will. Most confusing to me is the “we” in this scenario, since it usually involves a stern faced female with arms crossed waiting for the male to start spilling the beans on whatever transgression has occurred, whether he be guilty or not. That’s not a “we”, that’s “you,” and for what it’s worth, being direct would be more appreciated than the current phrasing that would indicate equality in the forthcoming conversation.
#2.) What she says: “Oh, who is she?”
What she means: “Who is that bitch, where did you meet her, how do you know her, are you having sex with her, why didn’t you tell me about her?!?!?”

In the age of Facebook and smart phones, privacy is a luxury that none of us have anymore. Transparency is the name of the game with regards to peoples social lives. Sadly, this means that there is photographic evidence of every single encounter you have ever made in your life from 2007 on. It doesn’t matter if it happens to be you standing awkwardly next to a female co-worker at a job function or the more damning glassy eyed you grinning ear to ear with an attractive bar patron (or patroness? I don’t know the proper terminology here.) The seemingly innocuous “Who is she” is not a simply request of another females identity. It is your cue to, without panicking or gushing perspiration from every pore in your body, to explain the exact nature of your connection to this person, when you met, how you met, how many words in a day you exchange with them etc. Basically, unless you wish to endure the wrath of a jealous and pissed of lady friend, submit calmly to this veiled interrogation and you will avoid much nonsensical bullshit. I’m not saying to guys to lay down and spinelessly cowering in the corner. I’m saying to cover your ass. You’ll thank me for this sage advice later

#3) What she says “I’ll be ready in five minutes.”
What she means “I’m going to take about 30-40 minutes going through my immensely complicated aesthetic preparation ritual, but god help you if you aren’t ready to go when I am.”

Yet another reason I am extremely glad that I was born a guy. When I tell someone it will take my five minutes to get ready, that’s probably on overstatement. If I clocked myself on a Friday/Saturday night, I’m willing to bet it would take me no longer than three minutes to throw on acceptable looking clothes and applying some sort of deodorant/cologne, assuming I have showered beforehand. Women’s “five minutes” includes a lengthy shower, hair preparation, makeup application, then at least 20 minutes of consulting one another on the optimal combination of apparel for the evening when in all actuality guys will think you look good in almost anything. But the pivotal detail here: Be ready when they are. Just because you understand that they will take much longer than 5 minutes doesn’t mean to let your guard down. If you can strategically fit in a round of Call of Duty or watch the game on TV, power to you. But if the lady friend discovers you dicking around when they have spent the better part of the last hour getting themselves dolled up, be ready for the hell you are about to pay.

The World's Most Expensive Business Card

Shortlist - Think you’ve got this life thing cracked? Think again. Have you received the magical invitation from Black Astrum asking you to sign up for its diamond encrusted business cards? No, no you haven’t. Come on, work harder...Due to each design’s unique specifications costs will fluctuate, but the average selling price is around £1,000 ($1,534) for each card (yes, you read that correctly) and a set of 30 cards will contain around 30 carats.

Jesus H, I need one of those. Just instant credibility, I'd no longer feel embarrassed and only bring up the blog when I'm like 7 beers deep in liquid courage, probably would have sponsorship offers left and right, and I'd be the envy of one Patrick Bateman:

-"Good Coloring"

-"That's Bone"