"Ok, yeah. Well this is gonna hurt like a motherfucker"
Tonight we will say goodbye to Michael Scott as Branch Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. The identity of his permanent replacement is still unknown (my bet is Will Arnett) but now is not a time to think about the future. Instead we should celebrate the past seven seasons we've gotten to enjoy Steve Carell's performance on a weekly basis. To help us remember the best times, and to cope with the withdrawal his upcoming absence will create, I present to you in six different categories, 69 Michael Scott quotes. (And I know Dunder Mifflin employee Kevin would love the number I chose.)
WORK
Michael's job was the biggest part of his life and he tended to overestimate the importance of his position:
"I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second and probably an entertainer third."
"Yes, I've heard 'women and children first', but we do not employ children. We are not a sweatshop, thankfully. And women are equal in the workplace, by law, so if I let them out first...I’d have a lawsuit on my hands."
"I did not go to business school. You know who else didn't go to business school? LeBron James, Tracy McGrady,
Kobe Bryant. They went right from high school to the NBA so..."
"Do I want to be feared or loved? Um... easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."
"Business is always personal. It's the most personal thing in the world."
"Jim, if this is it for me promise me something... host the dundies."
"Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but, at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you much as harm a hair on Stanley's head, we will burn Utica to the ground."
"I color code all my info. I wrote gay son in green. Green means go. So I know to go ahead and shut up about it. Orange, means orange you glad you didn't bring it up. Most colors mean don't say it."
RACE
While I think Michael thought himself a master of race relations, that was hardly the case:
"Dinkin Flicka / Bippity poppity, gimme the zoppity"
"Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza, poor people love pizza, white people love pizza, black
people love pizza... do black people like pizza?"
"Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special. Baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, 'yo that's shizzle'. Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well shame on you."
"Why did the convict have to be a black guy. It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy. Who went to prison for... polluting a black guy's lake."
"Mo money mo problems, Stanley. You of all people should know that."
"He's always up in my business. Which is ebonics for being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me. I don't understand how someone could have so little self awareness."
SELF-AWARENESS
Michael was probably the least self-aware person ever, which tended to lead to his best lines:
"Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have
done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and... I have a great one. "Little Kid Lover". That way
people will know exactly where my priorities are at."
"Well, that would be kinda worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who can kick his ass"
"Reverse psychology is an awesome tool, I don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you can
make someone think the opposite of what you believe, and that tricks them into doing something stupid.
Works like a charm."
"Actually, it's polite to arrive early, and smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo de facto, show up early, become a really good friend."
"Was tonight a success? Well, I made Pam laugh so hard she fell down and almost broke her neck. So I killed, sort of."
"Everyone wants the iPod. It's a huge hit. Almost a Christmas miracle."
"Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury?"
"Wow, you are very exotic looking. Was your dad a G.I., or...?"
"Who wants some man meat?"
"Wikipedia. Is the best thing ever. Anyone, in the world, can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information."
"Since I pay her salary, it is like I am paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis, but it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride."
"Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work..."
"Jan told me to play it cool, and not tell anybody, because it could get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. Sex. Sex. We had sex. I had sex with her. I had sex with Jan."
"I am a bank teller. (to camera) Ryan told me to always tell women you work in finance."
"Yes, money has been a little bit tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I going to be thinking about much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about, how many friends I have. And my children. And my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht so I obviously did pretty well money wise."
"I have my book on business, "Somehow I Manage", I have my HBO comedy special, "Here I Go Again (dot dot dot)", but you know what? When I think about it, when I really think about it, not one of those things are as real to me as my movie."
SILLY
Sometimes there was just no other way to describe what came out of Michael's mouth:
"That’s what she said"
"Hey, Ryan, this is your girlfriend and I'm mad."
"Happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party is so lame."
"I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!"
"Hey everybody! I just invited Jim to suck it!"
"TMI? Too Much Information. It''s just easier to say 'TMI'. I used to say 'don't go there', but that's lame."
"A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night, and he gets crabs. So the next day he goes back to complain and the
woman says, 'Hey, it was only $5, what did you expect... lobster?' This is what’s at stake."
"Peach Iced Tea. You're gonna hate it."
"Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast, hold the chicken."
"Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square... named for the good times you have when you're in it."
"Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work,
everybody would still be in the cage."
"Prove it. Let's see your penis! I... you know, as that was coming out of my mouth I knew that it was wrong."
"I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water than I have in my entire life."
"Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make."
"Jim, you're six eleven and you weigh ninety pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom roasted. Pam, you failed art school, boom roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke or a dumb joke boom roasted. Creed your teeth called your breath stinks. Boom roasted. Angela, where's Angela. Whoa there you are I didn't see you behind that grain of rice! Boom. Roasted! Stanley! You crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom roasted. [Stanley starts laughing] Oscar you are [distracted by Stanley] Oscar, you're gay! Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck! And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom roasted!"
TOBY
The man Michael loved to hate:
"Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family."
"Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way. I hate... so much about the things that you choose to be."
"And if I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would
shoot Toby twice."
"You know what Toby, when the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help,
you help! His father ran the freaking country! Ok?"
"Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry."
"Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years. And I am now his cruise director. And my name is Captain Bruisin'."
POP CULTURE
Michael thought he knew a lot about pop culture than he really did:
"I am a big Fear Factor fan. Um... I'm a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually."
"‘Are you talkin' to me? You talkin' to me?' Raging Bull, Pacino."
"Fun fact: I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice breaker if I ever
meet Teri Hatcher."
"Think about this: what is the most exciting thing that can happen on TV or in movies, or
in real life? Somebody has a gun. That''s why I always start with a gun, because you can''t
top it. You just can''t."
"There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown."
"Oh I can't say I was a big fan of 'Bowling for Columbine', because I thought it was
going to be a bowling movie like Kingpin. And it wasn't. It was something else."
"500 boxes has gone out with the image of a beloved cartoon duck performing unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like. I've never been a fan."
"What's the group, that were from Scranton and made it big? Was that U2?"
"It’s like last week I was at the video store. Do I rent “The Devil Wears Prada” again? Or do I finally get around to seeing “Sophie’s Choice”? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision."
PAST
Michael said a lot of things about his past that were just as depressing as they were difficult not to laugh at:
"Alright let me ask you this, tell me if you think this is creative. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this was before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture, of a horse, that could fly over rainbows, and a had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five-years-old. Couldn't even talk yet."
"When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids. And I got a really bad rash. From the pony. And all the kids got to ride the pony. And I had to go inside, and my mother was rubbing cream on me, for probably three hours, and I never came outside. And by the time I got out, the pony was already in the truck and around the corner. So that was my worst birthday."
"We had a foreign exchange student when I was young. And, we called him my brother, and that's what I thought he was. Um, then he went home to what is formerly Yugoslavia, taking all of my blue jeans, with him. And I had to spend the entire winter in shorts. That is what Ryan is like: A fake brother who steals your jeans."
"A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher, like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us and he would tell us awesome jokes and he actually hooked up with one of the students. And then like 12 other kids came forward.. it was in all the papers. Really ruined eighth grade for us."
"You know what this is like? I'll tell you what this is like. This is like when freshmen throw a party and wouldn't let any of the seniors go."
"I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time my best friend was my grandmother. And then she met Harriet. And now she thinks she better than everybody."
"Todd Packer and I are total B.F.F.: Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as
salesmen. One time we were out and we met this set of twins and Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another; we brought them back to the hotel and then Packer did both of them. It was awesome!"
There was one final quote I wanted to save until the end that I felt really summed up exactly what Michael Scott wanted to be, and in an indirect way he achieved it:
“I swore to myself if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh as they
saw me coming, and they'd applaud as I walked away.”
Well Michael, I laughed the majority of the time I saw you, and tonight I will definitely applaud as you walk
away. And for that, I want to say thank you and good luck in Colorado.
