Scientific Proof; Pippa Is Clearly the Middleton Family Champ

Definitive proof. That's what that is. Pippa just putting Kate to shame. Yes, Kate is probably the more classically beautiful one, and yes she's the only one who's technically royalty, but the proof is in the pudding. Kate goes out and lets a few tit pics slip, and people go flocking to the internet to search for Pippa...It's like a Pavlovs dog type situation. You hear Kate Middleton boobs and the brain automatically commands your fingers to google search for Pippa. I mean look at that...that's individual posts page views for the last 7 days. Pippa just trouncing all over Kate...and I wrote that post almost one whole year ago!

Ladies and Gents, The Champ Is Here (and PS, she had the original grainy photos)!

Jesus May Have Had A Wife?

Boston - CAMBRIDGE -- A Harvard professor has identified what appears to be a scrap of fourth century Egyptian papyrus that contains the first known explicit reference to Jesus as married, a discovery that could fuel the millennia-old debate about priestly celibacy in the Catholic church. The fragment, which has been preliminarily authenticated but still must undergo further testing, portrays Jesus as referring to a woman as his legitimate disciple -- most likely his wife, whom the text’s author probably believed to be Mary Magdalene.

 Oh Jesus, has anyone gotten word to the US Embassy in Israel? Is everyone ok?...Oh wait, hold on... What's that? Radical Christians haven't rioted and aren't causing physical harm to innocent people over a liberal US professor going around saying things that directly refute dogma believed true for millenniums? That's odd...I kinda just assumed that was the standard response anytime someone says something about your religion that you don't take kindly too...


PS: Just to prove not all Muslims are militant savages with no sense of humor, check out the #MuslimRage topic on Twitter, some real gems like:

Baby Born in Parking Lot of NASCAR Track

Fox News - LOUDON, N.H. – A New Hampshire woman and her baby are doing fine after the woman gave birth in the New Hampshire Motor Speedway parking lot. Shawna Arnold began going into labor Friday and she and her boyfriend began driving to a hospital. But when she realized she was about to give birth on the way, they made a pit stop at the racetrack parking lot in Loudon...Arnold tells WMUR-TV that she and her boyfriend delivered the baby, named Katie, in their car. An EMT at the track then came to help, and the couple and the baby were taken to a hospital. Speedway General Manager Jerry Gappens has awarded the baby two tickets to NASCAR races for the rest of her life.

And that, folks, is the most New Hampshire story of all time...Barring of course that little Ricky-Bobby Katie here doesn't celebrate her first birthday in the toy section of Wal-Mart...and by toy section I mean at the guns & ammo counter. 

My Favorite Thing from Yesterday? Blowjob Guy at the Cubs Game

If you don't laugh when the announcer starts in on the "leadpipe sinker," there's just no helping you. Video from Deadspin.

Two NFL Related Observations

While I could spend 500 or so words agonizing over the Patriots heart palpitations inducing loss yesterday, while simultaneously ripping the fans who played a real life game of Red Rover, Red Rover, Fleeing their seats for the parking lot when it looked like it was over, then sprinting back when there was a sign of life, then fleeing once more...I've decided that would be far to depressing. Instead I've decided to repress that horrid, horrid loss, the Aaron Hernandez injury, and everything else from that game, deep, deep down, where I'm sure it won't cause any sports related emotional issues. It's the healthier way.

Instead I'd like to point out two NFL related observations:

1. These new jerseys with faux-collars, they have the ghey:

There's really no two ways about it, at no point in time should I be able to tune into a Sunday afternoon football game and briefly think I'm watching Hogwarts Academy in a spirited game of quidditch.

2. I would have never drafted Matt Stafford if I knew how doughy and round his face was:

It may be weird (it's 100% weird) but I just don't can't feel confident in my quarterback if he doesn't have squared jaw lines. Huge oversight on my part. I checked out his stats, his bye week, projected stats, waded my way through countless egomaniacal Matthew Berry columns, all of it checked out... But I forgot to check the headshot. Now I'm stuck with this. A guy who's face looks like he just enjoyed a nice cold-cut platter full of salt cured meats. Fuck.

So The Topless Kate Middleton Story Isn't Going Away, Huh?

Click Here for More Stinky Pinky and Royal Funbag Photo's...Obviously NSFW

I honestly, honestly thought this story would be gone by this morning. Though I missed the ship on Friday for free gratuitious page views by using blog titles like "topless Kate Middleton," and tags like "Princess Kates tits"...Guess I'm in luck.

Call me naive but...these pictures suck. They're grainy, she looks flat/pancake-y, I just couldn't see how this story had legs...but then the Royal Family decided to take legal action, and then, the real kicker, veritable bastion of free speech and the First Amendment, Youporn, basically wrote a blank check to the photographer, who claims he has 100's more photos of the couple, sexual in nature. 

Well then. Usually I'm against people making a big deal and taking legal action against stories that should just go away on their own in a matter of days, but this I can understand. I mean, I don't know all the rules involved in becoming the queen, but I'm fairly certain somewhere on the list is don't get caught with your husband tossing you the shocker, and I think there's a clause that says something about if you're ever photographed getting stuffed on a balcony by the prince you're ineligible...Again, I'm no Royal expert, but I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere.

Andy Garcia Was Born with Two Heads?

So I heard this wild rumor in passing the other day, probably watching TMZ or Extra or something like that, but I guess Andy Garcia is walking around telling people he was born with two heads? Like a legit second head just sitting on his shoulder. I couldn't believe it so I flicked over to his IMDB page and:

Was born as a conjoined twin. His twin was no bigger than a tennis ball and was surgically removed. All that remains is a scar on his shoulder.

 What in the hell? So this is true? And why am I just hearing about this now? Is this a new thing? Like those two conjoined girls get a reality show on TLC and all of a sudden having two heads is the new gay and everyone wants in?

Well screw that I'm not gonna be left behind, sitting here with one head like a chump, fake it til you make it is how I live my life...Now, does anyone have the number for Michael Scott's Papier Mache man?

Does This Look Like the Face of a French President Taxing Millionaires 75% Because "He doesn't Like Them"

Fox News - French citizens, those whose income is over one million euros, or just over one and a quarter million dollars, will soon be taxed at a rate of 75 percent. Many economists have said the rich tax will not do much to boost depressed state coffers because only 3,000 of France's 66 million citizens make over a million (euros), and that the move is just symbolic. In fact, the tax hike was the campaign promise many believe won the election for President Francois Hollande who has said he doesn't like the rich.

 What in the hell is going on over in France? That is insane...And regardless if you agree with his fiscal policy, you have to respect Francois Hollande, just straight up says he doesn't like the rich, gets elected, and then follows through with his plan to basically take all their money away. Ruthless.

He's not going around talking about hope, talking about building a better future, talking about economy building. He just doesn't like the rich and has set his mind to do something about it. Brilliant.

PS: Those 3,000 people in France bringing in over a million a year...proof that any idiot can become a millionaire with a little luck. I mean what the hell are you guys still doing there? Why is there a single person in that tax bracket still in the country?

I've Never Wanted to Put a Guys Face on A T-Shirt So Bad As Much As This Bro

Boston News, Weather, Sports | FOX 25 | MyFoxBoston

Look, ordinarily I'd talk about the case, make mention of this lady being confused by some hunter as wild game...but honestly, that's the side show to the real story, check out Jim Blair:

JEEPERS CROW! Stink eye for days bro! That face is a t-shirt on it's own, hell it could be a whole series. Some captioned Stink Eye, some captioned just "ARGHHH," because I'm not so sure Jim Blair right here isn't the world's last old school pirate.

Jim Blair ladies and gentlemen.