Are Florida Detectives Serious with this Sketch of an Unidentified Man?

Fox News - Forensic experts from a Florida university have helped detectives recreate the likeness of a man murdered nearly 25 years ago, working with little more than a pile of bones, teeth and patches of mummified skin. The remains of the unidentified man, who was shot twice, were found in 1989 near an orange grove by an artifact hunter in Dade City, Fla. Authorities believe he had been dead for as long as two years. “The body was found fully skeletonized,” said Detective David Boyer of the Pasco County Sheriff’s Office. “There was just bones.”

Far be it for me to step in and tell these forensic detectives how to do their job, but...I either just solved their case, or their sketch artist is trolling them big time:

I mean, that's Garth plain as day. And come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I saw him, for that matter.

Director of the Notebook, Nick Cassavetes, on Incest: "Who Gives a Damn?"

Fox News - Hollywood director Nick Cassevetes came out in favor of incest in an interview with The Wrap. The director of the popular romance "The Notebook" was out promoting a new film that features an incestuous relationship between a brother and sister. “I’m not saying this is an absolute but in a way, if you’re not having kids – who gives a damn? Love who you want. Isn’t that what we say? Gay marriage – love who you want?” Cassavetes said. “If it’s your brother or sister it’s super weird, but if you look at it, you’re not hurting anybody, except every single person who freaks out because you’re in love with one another.”


Not to pry too much into the family business Nick, but I'm pretty sure I know two people who's damns are given...Zoe and Alexandra, aka, YOUR SISTERS. I mean, that had to set the record for most awkward phone call of all time...

Nick: "So, uhh, that stuff I said today about incest, that didn't have anything to do with you guys, I just wanted you to know that..."

Zoe/Alexandra: We're you're only sisters, Nick.

Nick: Yea, but, it was hypothetical, you know? It's not like I've ever wanted to have flipper kids with you, just that if we ever were hook-up, as long as it was protected would it really be a big deal?

Zoe/Alexandra: We have to go, Nick. Don't call back for a while.

Nick: Ahhh Come on!

Canada Offering Pole Dancing Classes for Kids Ages 5 and Up

Fox News - A Canadian dance studio is offering pole dancing classes for children as young as 5 years old, CTV News reports. Twisted Grip Dance & Fitness, in Duncan, British Columbia, has in its lineup a pole dancing class it calls “Little Spinners,” geared toward boys and girls of all ages, owner Kristy Craig tells CTV. Craig said she introduced the class because existing clients wanted it, and so far three girls and one boy have registered for classes, which start on Sept. 22. Her youngest student is 5 years old, the oldest is about 12 years old. Craig says there's nothing sexual about the class, but the front page of the studio's website shows sexy, sparkly high-heeled shoes for sale for performers, MyFoxDFW.com reports..."It's pure fitness and strength and fun," Craig told the CBC. "I mean kids love climbing trees. They will climb anything."

That last line is by far my favorite. "kids love climbing treas. They will climb anything." Exactly, trees, stripper poles, a strangers dick for tip money...

And look, my blame is not with Kristy Craig, she's a savvy business women who's personal interest also includes children strippers, she found a loophole and is exploiting it.

My issue is with the parents...Are you people outside your fucking minds? Signing kids up for pole dancing classes? I get that college isn't for everyone and that some kids are better off learning a trade they can fall back on when they're older, but I think generally this applies to HVAC specialists and plumbers...Not sex workers selling their bodies who've been perfecting the art of snatching up your dollar bills with their crotch since they were in the 5th grade...

How I Know It's Officially Football Season

That's how. Girls posting pictures of and status updates about the food they made for NFL Sunday, followed by a generic GO TEAM (With team being replaced by whatever team their husband/boyfriend/guy they're hoping to get stuffed by on Sunday Funday). 

And I'm not even being cynical. It warms my heart. There was no clearer sign the NFL was back yesterday than when I woke up to a barrage of crock-pot recipes jamming up my timeline...and obviously pics of Patriots t-shirts highlighted with pink or sparklies.

Welcome back football, and thank you for all the new culinary ideas.

How Awful is this Reinvented Bicycle, the Fliz?

Fox News - Yabba dabba doo...Without pedals or a seat, the “Fliz” as it’s called requires riders to strap into a harness and build up speed by running, with their head sticking out between the frame. If it sounds awkward, it’s because it probably is. “The prior aim of developing Fliz was to bring a completely new driving experience to everyone,” creators Tom Hambrock and Juri Spetter said on their website...To ride the Fliz -- or rather, have it ride you -- users build up speed, Flintstones-style, by running and then cruising with their feet resting by the rear wheel. While steep hills are tough for the Fliz and safety remains a concern, the designers insist that it shouldn’t be seen as a bicycle replacement, but rather a fresh option for urban environments. “We created a velocipede concept of healthy, ecological mobility in overcrowded urban space,” Hambrock and Spetter wrote.

For real? Let me ask you Krauts something, do we look like a bunch of idiots? I mean honestly, do we? This is less reinventing the bicycle and more sending it back to the stone age..Yabba Dabba Doo is right.

Lets put aside the fact that you are NEVER taking that thing up a hill, that one's obvious, lets ask, how the hell do you even get in it? I can't see any way I strap myself into that harness without a spotter. So now, after years of adult life being comfortable knowing that if nothing else, I know how to ride a bike by myself, I need to ask another able bodied adult to help me ride my bike? Like I'm some sort of 5 year old with my parents teaching me to ride without training wheels again? No thanks.

PS: I have to imagine you die the first time you mistakenly slip and fall. Your neck just snaps between those two bars.

Double PS: The Hipsters will LOVE this. Because they do look like a bunch of idiots.

There Are People Who Maintain Clean Email Inboxes, And There Are those Who Don't

And I straight up don't get those people who don't. Just 1,000 things floating around in their work inbox, no sub folders, no email rules, just the wild wild west in your inbox. You have to be a damn psychotic to be able to put up with that mess. There should be studies and TLC reality shows about these nutso's.

Me? I much prefer tumbleweeds blowing in my inbox. I'd say my average day I spend about 40% of the time doing real, actual work, 30% of the time searching for and consuming interesting articles, and the other 30% of the time purging my inbox of anything and everything.

Work related that could mean research before answering? File it, out of sight, out of mind. If it's one of 20 or so corporate wide emails I'll get that day that in all likelihood I'll never need to read? In the trash. An email from my friends about the weekend or fantasy sports? Respond right away and then delete the old message.

I don't know how anyone does it any other way. I need a pack of Tums just to open my inbox Monday morning after a weekend of not checking in. I can't imagine coming in to that mess every single day. It's unfathomable how people function in that manner.

The number one excuse these inbox hoarders give: "well when someone asks for something I don't have to search all over the place, its just in the inbox somewhere." Yea ok pal, you go ahead and search for that needle in the haystack. I'll be the guy just checking through a few appropriately titled sub folders...And yes every once in a while I do run into a situation where I've got someone standing over my shoulder asking if I got their email (HATE this), only to have to sheepishly retrieve their message from my deleted folder ("How'd that get there?"), but I'll take that awkward situation 100 times out of 100 over having a myocardial infarction every time I need to look back for an old email.

New Japanese Method for the 110 Meter Hurdles

How come every Japanese game show just ends up looking like one side of a "Would You Rather" scenario? Like would it shock you at all if the question was, Would You Rather: Ride a bike with the seat jammed up your ass covered in jalapenos, OR, have some kinky Japanese guy power spray your bare ass with chili sauce and then go run some hurdles?

Honestly, tell me that's not what happened here. 

Town In Norway Set to Open Mystery Box from 1912

Fox News - Residents of a town in central Norway are eager to learn what's inside a mysterious package sealed since 1912. The nearly seven-pound package was left behind by Sel's former mayor Johan Nygaard with the disclaimer that the parcel "be opened in 2012," the Local reports. The town plans to open the sealed and bound package on Friday. It has survived two world wars and reportedly was almost thrown out twice during clear-out operations through the decades. Mayor Nygaard kept the package himself until the 1920s, when he reportedly transferred it to council authorities for safe-keeping. It is now held at the Gudbrandsdal Museum. "It's going to be incredibly exciting," museum worker Kjell Voldheim told newspaper VG. "We have fantasized a lot about what it might contain."




I'll tell you this much, Brad Pitt's was probably a lot more exciting that what they're going to find in this old 1912 box.

You wanna know what's in the box, Kjell? A bunch of old junk, that's what. It's not like they had cool shit back in 1912. You're going to find some old yellow news paper clippings, couple photos, a velveteen rabbit stuffed with hay, shit like that. It's not like you're going to open it up and find an Xbox in there. You know what the big new thing was back in 1912? Light bulbs. You'll probably find some primative looking light bulb. Unless there's some valuable old piece of junk in there that you can turn around for a profit on the Antiques Road Show, you're probably all going to be disappointed.

It's all going to be stuff that could have just as easily been preserved in a glass case in Town Hall for all to see, probably would have helped the stuff age better. I can't imagine 100 years in a card board box taped shut is good for the aging process for anything. Plus little old Grandma's of Norway wouldn't have gone to their graves wondering what the hell was in the box.

Hey Brad - It's your wife's head.

Good for Lance Armstrong

ESPN - Armstrong, who retired last year, declined to enter USADA's arbitration process -- his last option -- because he said he was weary of fighting accusations that have dogged him for years. He consistently has pointed to the hundreds of drug tests that he has passed as proof of his innocence during his extraordinary run of Tour titles from 1999-2005. "There comes a point in every man's life when he has to say, 'Enough is enough.' For me, that time is now," Armstrong said in a statement sent to The Associated Press. He called the USADA investigation an "unconstitutional witch hunt." "I have been dealing with claims that I cheated and had an unfair advantage in winning my seven Tours since 1999," he said. "The toll this has taken on my family and my work for our foundation and on me leads me to where I am today -- finished with this nonsense." USADA reacted quickly and treated Armstrong's decision as an admission of guilt, hanging the label of drug cheat on an athlete who was a hero to thousands for overcoming life-threatening testicular cancer and for his foundation's support for cancer research...The International Cycling Union on Friday said it will wait for the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency to explain why Lance Armstrong should lose his unprecedented seven Tour de France titles before commenting on the case..."USADA cannot assert control of a professional international sport and attempt to strip my seven Tour de France titles," he said. "I know who won those seven Tours, my teammates know who won those seven Tours, and everyone I competed against knows who won those seven Tours."

You know what? Good for Lance Armstrong. He's absolutely right. Enough is enough. This isn't about public opinion anymore, that's already been decided. Most people are either suspicious of him or they aren't at this point, no ruling from some Draconian drug panel is going to change anyone's mind one way or the other at this point.

And as for that panel, the USADA, where is the smoking gun? Huh? It's been well over a decade of this shit. If he's been allegedly doping since 1996 where is the "in your face, no denying this, we've got you and it's all over," piece of evidence? Talk all you want about testimony from shady individuals with suspect motives, release vague statements about tests consistent with doping...fact is this is a guy who's probably been tested for performance enhancing drugs more than anyone on earth, and you never bagged him. He's either clean and you can't accept it, or he's that much smarter than you.

Either way, let it go. If you had iron clad evidence you would have come out with it, but you didn't. It's over.