My Job is Actually Killing Me, And Here's Proof

My office might as well be gutting me like a stuck pig, just a bleak and dreary picture for my life to come. Like that stat about obese people sitting for 2.5 hours per day? I've sat 2.5 hours by about 11 AM most days...I still have seven or so hours of work left in the day, not to mention that when I come home, I'm sitting down again (actually most of the time I'm lounging, I don't know if that counts, I've been told having my feet up is good for circulation, so I feel like I'm doing something, ya know). Last night I came home from work, sat at my desk chair, plowed through a Five Guys Burger and bag of fries and blogged...All told I probably spent 8 hours sitting yesterday. 

Top it all off, every hour of TV I work after work is apparently cutting 11% off my life...which should mean that I'll be dying...tomorrow? Welp, if this is it, farewell dear readers, it's been real.

Sri Lanakan Man Dies Attempting Record for Longest Time Buried Alive...Friend: "I told you so."

COLOMBO, Sri Lanka (AP) - Sri Lankan police say a man has died while trying to set a world record for the longest time spent buried alive. Police say the 24-year-old man (Janaka Basnayake) buried himself Saturday morning with the help of family and friends in a trench sealed with wood and soil. A local newspaper says the trench was 10 feet deep. Police say when the man was brought to the surface 7 1/2 hours later, he was unconscious and taken to a hospital, where he was pronounced dead on arrival. It's unclear whether there is an official world record for the longest time buried alive.

You just know that one of his friends was standing there when they brought this idiot back up and was like, "I told you so." And THAT...was the greatest "I told you so," of all time. It doesn't get much more truthier than that. I picture Janaka Basnayake and his homeboy playing PS3 or something in his parents basement, coming up with some cockamamie idea for getting into the record books, and homeboy saying "no way man, you'd be dead."  Prophetic. 

And it narrowly edges this little diddy of a "I Told You So" way back when CW was just a little sophmore in high school. It was like 10 minutes before classes start, everyone in the hallways at their lockers chatting it up and I hear this:

Older Girl I Didn't Know, One: "You guys, I just founded out that I'm pregnant."

Older (and much sassier) Girl I Didn't Know, Two: " I TOLD YOU SO...you're over here try'na tell me you safe, you safe, nothings gonna happen, I TOL' YOU SO!

For the record, those capitalized letters aren't for effect, she really did yell it out...I heard the whole thing because I was just a couple lockers down, but pretty much the whole hallway could guess what she was going off about once she started whooping it up. 

And that was the reigning champ, until today, when I completely fabricated the words of Janaka Basnayake's buddy.

For the Love of God Just Let Rondo Stay and Play in Peace

Boston.com - Rondomania in overtime. Rajon Rondo had his second triple-double in three games, finishing with 18 points, 20 assists and a career-high 17 rebounds, the Celtics ruined Harvard grad Jeremy Lin’s return to Boston with a 115-111 victory over the New York Knicks on Sunday. Rondo played a part in every Celtics point in overtime, collecting five points, five rebounds and two assists in the extra period.  It was Rondo’s fourth triple-double this season and the 17th of his career. According to the Elias Sports Bureau, the last player to record a triple-double with at least 17 in each category was Magic Johnson, who had 24 points, 17 assists and 17 rebounds on April 18, 1989. The last player to exceed Rondo’s performance in each category was Wilt Chamberlain, who had 22 points, 25 rebounds and 21 assists on Feb. 2, 1968.

This is the guy the Celts brain trust is threatening to trade everytime Danny Ainge has an irregular bowel movement. Perhaps the most unique player in the league today. 

A guy that fills the stat sheet, free throw and outside side shooting aside. I mean, is that what he's being punished for? Because his jumpshot is a bit weak?  

A guy that makes everyone else around him better. Yea never going to carry a team by himself night in, night out, but few players are, ask Paul Pierce how the first 2/3rds of his career worked out.

A guy who has never backed down from the big games, who relishes prime time match ups, and a guy who's level of play has risen each time the playoffs come around? Why? Because he's a bit moody, a bit pissed off when things aren't going well? God forbid a guy gives a shit and shows emotion when things aren't going quite right, or gets pissed off, rightly so, when a key member of the team's core is shipped out of town in a panic move that made zero basketball sense at the time and looks even worse now.  

Or maybe he's always pissed off because since day one of the Big 3 era he's been questioned. 

Could he handle running a team with 3 surefire HOF'ers? Yep. Didn't matter, he'd still be the subject of trade rumors.  

Could he handle a full seasons load with nothing resembling a comptent backup? Yep. Didn't matter, he'd still be the subject of trade rumors.

Could he raise his game as the skills of the teams' aging stars declined? Yep. Doesn't matter, he's still the subject of trade rumors. 

Fact is this team needs Rondo. Now and going forward. Mind you, I say this with in reason. No one is ever untouchable, and if some GM comes reaching out with (forgive my Simmons' speak) a "god father" offer, you take it. But what you don't do is dangle your teams precocious, and most irreplaceable star over and over again, and expect him to be cool with everything.  

This is the guy you build around, this is the only guy you've got that you can build around. KG and Allen are done after this year, and a large part of me hopes both of them just ride off into the sunset. I'd take them back, but not for anything near what they're making now. The Celtics need that cash to start over and find the next wave of all-stars. KG, making $21 million this year, should be looking at a 50% pay cut for a two year extension. Allen, making $10 million, should prepare himself for something around $2-4 mill, tops. They're great complimentary players at this point in their careers, and capable of bringing it every few nights, but they're not winning any championships as a teams focal point. 

That money Ray and KG been so accustomed to collecting will be much better served chasing Dwight Howard...and if you want any chance of landing Dwight, a player of Rondo's youth and skill level on the roster is a must, unless Dwight is looking up and down the Celts lineup without Rondo and salivating about how they're going to own the 40+ league over at Basketball City. 

And in truth, Dwight, Rondo, and two years of Pierce guarantees Dwight as much of a chance as winning as any other destination does (assuming that is what he's interested in). And if Ray and KG come back for two years on the cheap, well now you're looking at the prohibitive favorites for '12'13, and '13-'14 seasons. Beyond 2014 you'll have two stars left, still very much in their prime, and BUCKETS of cash on hand. And you know who's available that year? Lebron James is (that really pains me, but there is no denying his talent). Dwayne Wade is. Chris Bosh is (gross, I know). Carmelo Anthony is. Blake Griffin is. That's a nice pool of stars, not to mention other young players that may develop and hit free agency by then.

Is it a bit of a pipe dream? Absolutely, but it's a winning pipe dream. And it's a much better plan than trading your most marketable free agent bait, watching your old timers flounder for a season or two more with no youth injection, and then spending the next decade languishing in the lottery hoping to get lucky and hit on one of the handful of players that come along every three or four years that change the path of your franchise. That idea sucks, and it's not what Boston Basketball should be about. 

If there's a bottom line to this long and rambling Celtics post that started out as an ode to Rondo, it's this: Rondo is absolutely vital to the Celtics not sucking for years to come after this season.  If we're not talking about an equally young, equally talented player, lets not talk at all. The road gets pretty murky for the Celts after this season but Rondo offers a chance to bridge today's success to tomorrow. I just hope Danny Ainge wakes up and sees that.

Ever Wanted to Move into Ikea? Now You Can, Sort Of.

Time - Have you ever spent a Saturday afternoon strolling through Ikea, thinking, If only I could live at this magical place? The Swedish company hasn’t begun renting its showrooms just yet, but it has partnered with Oregon architectural firm Ideabox to launch a line of prefabricated homes. Dubbed “aktiv,” the one-bedroom home will be decked out entirely in hip Ikea decor. Expected to sell at $86,500, the home is Swedish-inspired and “full of personality,” according to Ideabox.

OH MY GOD! And I have a $50 Ikea gift card lying around somewhere too! Jackpot, telling my fiancee as soon as she gets home that we're moving into an Ikea, and without even hint of irony. 

"Have you ever spent a Saturday afternoon strolling through Ikea, thinking, If only I could live at this magical place?"  

Have I ever?! That's all I do at Ikea. I mean, I buy like, a cup, and maybe some small ergonomic lamp too, but mostly I spend so much time dreaming of what it would be like to live there that I get too overwhelmed and never end up getting anything that I actually need. This solves that problem right quick.  

And only for $86,450 (after my gift card, obvi), my god it's a steal, I'll probably get two and just keep the extra one un-assembled in a closet in the back somewhere, you know, just in case we eventually outgrow our super-hipster abode.

My only hesitation would be that I'd need to be assured that this thing comes with more than just an allen wrench and one of those bolt turning doo-hickey's with the hole on one end. Those are all well and fine for assembling beds and book cases but I'm not too keen on the idea of my self-assembled roof making it through a storm fashioned together entirely by tools that would be approved for flight by the TSA.

Lebron James and Dwayne Wade Starring in A Kotex Tampons Commercial?

It's not a handbag, It's EUROPEAN

In all seriousness though, I'd rather go to battle on the hardwood with Sigfried and Freaking Roy than with the modern day ambigously gay duo over here...the makers of Kotex themselves couldn't have come up with a more poignant tampon commercial, between D-Wade's white pants and Lebron's feminine hygeine kit accessory...Jesus H guys, can you imagine Barkley's reaction upon catching a glimpse of this?

I'm dead serious, Sigfried and Roy over LBJ and D-Wade...Roy got attacked by Tigers and still came back...Lebron faded in a few fourth quarters and now plays hot potato with the ball for the last 12 minutes of every game. 

Rush Limbaugh May Be the Biggest Asshole, In History.

Huff-po - Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh drew sharp criticism from Rep. Carolyn Maloney (D-N.Y.) and others on Wednesday when he called Sandra Fluke, a Georgetown University law student, a "slut" and a "prostitute" for publicly advocating that employers cover contraception in their health plans. But instead of apologizing for his offensive comments on his show Thursday, he geared up for round two. Channeling Foster Friess, a main financial backer of former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.), Limbaugh said that he would "happily buy [Sandra Fluke] all the aspirin she wants" to put between her knees in lieu of contraception. Limbaugh concluded his sexist rant by insisting that if women want their contraception covered, they should post pornographic videos of themselves online. "So Miss Fluke and the rest of you feminazis, here's the deal," he said. "If we are going to pay for your contraceptives and thus pay for you to have sex, we want something. We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch."

Just wow. I for the life of me can't understand how someone so vile, so hateful, so much of a dick, still has a national following. Yea, he's free to say whatever the hell he wants to say, but I would have hoped more people were aware they're also free to tune out.  

How can anyone listen to this horrible abuse of free speech, and not look themselves in the mirror and question whether or not this is someone who's opinion they should value?  That was pure hate speech, plain and simple. 

And you know what really gets me these days about the so-called "social conservatives," and their alleged "Christian Values?"  It's that I'm pretty sure if JC was still around he'd have smoted most of these biggot assholes by now, with Rush Limbaugh being his first target. 

There is nothing tolerant, caring, or Christian about any of those comments. Just pure hatred and a lack of acceptance for anyone believing anything other than his personal opinion, and yet there are still people out there who give this guy a voice. Like he's an all-knowing person who has the right ideas to bring this country back to prominence...because those ideas include humiliating a woman who's sole goal is to avoid getting pregnant before she gets her education and becomes a contributing member of society...That's a great battle to pick Rush, fucking idiot. I have no idea if Rush has kids or not and am not going to take the time of day to look it up (which is exactly the amount of time he spends researching topics before he spews his own hatred), but unless this prick practiced the art of pulling out every time he had sex other than when he's attempted to procreate, I'd say he should probably shut the fuck up.  It makes me sick, absolutely sick, that talking heads like this, lacking an ounce of tolerance are not only given a platform, but actually have fellow American's that value what he has to say.

Happy fucking Friday, this country is going to hell in a hand basket and you can blame assholes like Rush and his asshole followers.

BU Upset About Rapes Committed by Fellow Students, Misguidedly Take it out on Blogger

Shouldn't that read Knockout Rape?

Boston.Com - Students active in the Boston University Center for Gender Sexuality and Activism have paired with the Feminist Collective to produce a public service announcement that encourages people to “knock out” a blog called Barstool Sports. The PSA, which students shot Saturday at BU’s George Sherman Student Union, denounced what the students describe as “rape culture.” Barstool Sports sponsors the Barstool Blackout Tour, parties that have been gaining notoriety for encouraging attendees to consume enough alcohol to black out. The Barstool blog asks students to recommend venues to rent out, and Barstool then throws parties for various universities, without university administrative approval...the PSA was partially in response to the recent arrest of BU hockey player Max Nicastro, who was charged with sexual assault...Nicastro is the second BU hockey player to be arrested this school year. Teammate Corey Trivino has been accused of indecent assault and battery on a female student...he also wanted to emphasize that the response was not against party culture or having fun, just about the rape culture she believes Barstool encourages...Qari also said he was not pleased to hear Barstool was coming back to Boston. “I feel bad about that,” he said. “I hope they never come back.”

Look, far be it for me to stick up for a far more popular, far more successful blog than mine can ever dream to be, but this is complete bullshit. A misguided reaction by those seeking attention to their cause, lashing out at a well known target in order to generate buzz. 

Upset about about two rapes committed by members of your campus? Protest those individuals and the community around them (namely the hockey team and it's supporters). Or take the easy way out, build up a strawman out of a popular blog and attempt to tear it down, poor debating skills-101. 

What is it about people these days that they just don't get it? Those rapes, and any rapes for that matter, weren't about a humor based smut blog, in the same way that violent actions by young kids and teenagers isn't the result of movies, television shows and video games they played. 

It's about personal accountability (or in the case of teens and young kids that I just described above, parental accountability). At the end of the day everyone is accountable to themselves. These two guys assaulted or raped their victims, because they're assholes who lack respect for their victims, their victims friends and families, their own friends and families, their teammates, and probably themselves as well.

But that's part of the problem these days, everyone rushes out to point fingers at some outside influence or external factor hoping to pass off the blame to someone or something who had no role in the choices these individuals made.  This is counterproductive. It makes it easier for people to make bad choices, because now, it's not their own fault, it's societies fault.  BULL SHIT. We live and die with our own choices, solely made by ourselves. These two guys were adults enrolled in a top university, they knew right from wrong, they didn't care. It's not because they got all jacked up after reading some blog. Millions of people a month read those blogs, these two individuals raped people...the numbers don't exactly add up. 

To sum, because I'm getting a bit rambly, stop giving these dickheads excuses! Hold them, and solely them, accountable. Look them square in the face and say, "you made a horrible decision, your actions have hurt not only your victim, but everyone around you, and now you'll suffer the consequences," and be done with it. Make an example of those charged with the crimes, make it known that societal excuses are NOT VALID, and make it known that their actions will not be tolerated. 

Boston Fans Say Goodbye to Jason Varitek, Superman

FORT MYERS, Fla. (AP) - Jason Varitek spent 15 seasons as the stoic center of the Boston Red Sox, with an icy stare that never blinked and an iron jaw that never quivered. "My teammates," Varitek said, his voice shaking and his eyes welling, are "what I'm going to miss most. The hardest thing to do is to walk away from your teammates and what they've meant to you over the years."

Two world series, four no hitters, three All-Star games, 1,546 games (most for any Red Sox Catcher), in fact, first in home runs, hits, runs, rbi's, and white man flat-top hair cuts.

Imagery wise, there was the A-Rod shove, and the sight in 2004 and 2007 as Varitek jumped into the arms of Foulke and Papelbon respectively with all the excitement of a little leaguer who just won the league championship. In fact there was every comical meeting at the mound after another Papelbon save, Paps screaming and yelling, basically frothing at the mouth like a mad man after the sox won yet another game, Varitek calmly shaking his hand, same thousand yard stare he always seemed to have on.

But the one thing I'll remember most about Varitek? His song that played before every home game at bat, Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down. Released in 1999, fitting as it was the year Varitek took over full-time catching duties for good (playing about half the games in 1998), it had become a running joke over the past 5 or so years within my group of friends, each of us reporting back after attending a game to let the others know that Superman was indeed still Varitek's song.

Did the employee in charge of player music even bother asking if he wanted something else anymore? Had 'Tek really not downloaded ITunes or been to a Newbury Comics since 1999? Was the song also on repeat in his personal car (undoubtedly a Ford pickup truck, he's a Ford truck man if there ever was one)? Was his family sick of it? And most importantly, was he actually Superman?

I guess we won't get the answers now, and although I didn't get to watch his retirement speech live, I like to imagine just before he addressed the media, he marched onto the field one last time to his favorite tune. So long Tek, and thank you for all the hard work, the two world series', permanently putting A-Rod in his place, and for one inside joke that never got old. You'll be missed.

KFC's New Chicken Pot Pie Violates Every Fast Food Rule in the Book

Which is mainly because there is only one definitive rule for fast food, Thou Shalt Not Bite Into Any Concealed Substances, and make no mistake about it, this here is the definition of "concealed substances," when it comes down to ingredients.

Sure, I'm the same guy that raves about the McRib to a unhealthy extent, and sure on the surface, this pie in a box thing looks 100x better than any McRib, but that's just it, it's just on the surface. You have no idea what you're biting into from there. Hopefully it's just processed chicken, worst case it is a bunch gizzards and hearts cut down into unrecognizable form, and some browned vegetables, because who can tell once they have that gravy slop slathered over them.With the McRib, you know exactly what you're getting, one delish processed slab of pork, smothered with sweet and tangy bbq sauce, topped off with some diced onions and a few pickles. It's just so simple and so transparent.

Sadly, it's the same rule that sunk the KFC Famous Bowls, in my opinion. Actually, it's not just my opinion, I remember my roommate grabbing one of those things for dinner in college, coming home and plowing into that thing, happy as a pig in shit, only to find some foreign pink colored substance lining one of the layers, it certainly wasn't corn, mashed potatoes, chicken, or gravy, I'll tell you that much. Yuck. Sorry, KFC, I'll have to pass this time around as well.