Alarm Clock Anxiety

Anyone else have a severe case of alarm clock anxiety?  I literally have to face mine against the wall to avoid seeing the time during the night.  If I wake up to take a piss at 4 am and see the time its all over for me, might as well go put on a pot of coffee and start blogging because I am not falling back asleep.  There's been nights I've decided to hold it and risk wetting the bed over getting up to take a piss just out of pure fear that I'll slip up and see a clock.  Its ridiculous.  

Wasn't always this way, the old days I used to relish it, I'd see the clock at 6 AM and would be psyched about the two more hours of sleep I had left.  But the past few years of dreading each day working in a cube has ruined even sleep for me.  I see that clock and my heart starts pounding, mind racing, doing the math to figure out how long I have until I have to go back to my miserable existence as desk donkey.  Shit sucks.  

So thanks corporate job, you've robbed me of the joy of sleep.  Even the most depressed saps in the world still love sleeping, I can't even have that?  It's just too cruel sometimes. 

Over Heard At The Office

Some people just don't realize when they're too old to act like they're in their 20's.  Take this story I'm listening to, some woman rambling on and on, just driving me crazy, between the terrible mental images and the anger at her complete lack of consideration for those around her.

This is a late 30's age woman, mother of two, this isn't a cougar, just a plane Jane mom. She was apparently out on the town with her girl friends this past Friday, probably for the first time in years given this story.  She's over here recapping the nights events like a 21 or 22 year old kid who still relishes rehashing the prior nights events in blow by blow fashion.  Grow up.  No one wants to hear about how your friend stripped your shirt down at the bar, or about the two of you dirty dancing on the floor, frankly its appalling to think about (she wondered why everyone was looking at them funny b/c girls dance together all the time...yea when they're in their 20's, not when you should be home preparing hamburger helper for your kids).  I'm not saying you need to stop having fun later in life, but its got to be age appropriate fun, and you have to realize that the others around you don't want to hear it.  Just makes us realize we'll be that old and pathetic years from now. Thanks for making this day worse than it had to be.

Big Bens Big Nose Busted

 

Say what you want about Ben Roethlisberger, he rapes chicks, drives drunk, rides motorcycles and crashes them even though its prohibited in his contract, oh and rapes more chicks, but the guy is one tough bastard.  That nose is more crooked than the FIFA committee responsible for location bids (OH, hello joke that's about 5 days too late!) and he still finished the game.  And that's what makes me nervous.

Ladies of the Pittsburgh area, we here at The Alt-Tab are urging you to be on your guard for the next couple of months.  If Big Ben had to resort to assaulting chicks before, its only going to be worse now that his nose looks like a silly straw.  Please try as hard as possible to avoid pubs, dive bars, and seedy lounges (presumably Big Ben's type of establishments) at least until the off season when he has a chance to get this fixed.

Favre to Manning, Passing of the Torch

If this is the end for Favre (and God I hope it is) there's never been a better time for him to go and pass on the torch.  The guy has been putting off retirement for years now, I doubt this is the way he wants to go out.  Not to mention that he's going home to a wife that has every right to go all "Tiger Woods' Wife Crazy" on him.  Wouldn't be surprised if he dressed next week and took the NFL punishment just to avoid the furry that awaits him back home, but its time. Never has he had such a worthy successor to his throne.

What throne? The one where you're known as a gunslinger, a gamer, a guy just trying to win and have fun.  Where no matter how many times you snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, football media types will ignore your failures and keep their lips firmly locked around your junk.

Of course I'm talking about Peyton Manning.  Long has he been chasing all of Favre's records, its about time he starts working on the not so glamorous ones as well (ints, incompletes, times losing a game on all your own, and I presume interceptions for touchdowns).  Manning has been doing his best audition these past 3 weeks (11 ints, 4 for touchdowns, 3 games lost as a direct result to his failures), and now it looks like he may have to step into the role for real.  Is he ready? You betcha.  With either a complete lack of a running game, or the ignorance to realize you have to attempt runs to keep the D honest, we're finally seeing what would happened to Peyton if he was on a normal team with normal weapons (kind of like what TB has put up with for pretty much all of his career).  And I understand that a running game is important, but the Patriots won two superbowls with Antowain Smith, you're telling me he's a better option than what Indy has been trotting out there.  I doubt it.  More likely Petyon has finally lost his nerve and decided to trust only himself, something you cannot do, in The National Football League.  I'm not saying we won't see classic Peyton on occasion, but I'm definitely anticipating more and more horrendous games from America's favorite pitchman.  

PS: Antowain Smith has a Wiki page?   Should the CW have one? He can't be that much more famous, must have created it himself, right?

An Honor Roll Student Tragedy.

Judging by what looks to be a minivan I'd say you got knocked up way too young and had to give up on your life.

...If that's a PT Cruiser (and I'm now fairly certain it is) then that changes everything.  Not only did you get knocked up too early but you also married the guy, who happened to be a mall kiosk salesman and is a sucker for get quick rich pyramid schemes.  Explaining why you drive a vehicle that can only be described as worse than a mini van.

Alt-Tabs

 

Woman Hides Stolen Goods Under Her Fat - (Dec. 1) -- Plenty of people keep cash in their billfolds. But police in Oklahoma say two women tried to steal $2,600 worth of valuables under their skin folds. Cops in Edmond arrested Ailene Brown, 28, and Shmeco Thomas, 37, on suspicion of shoplifting after the pair allegedly stuffed $2,600 worth of footwear, denim and accessories under rolls of fat on their stomachs and beneath their breasts.

Do you think the cops thought about just letting her go on this one? I'm sorry I'm not diggin under some obese womans FUPA and pancake tits. Thats gross. So yea, if I was a cop fatties would get away with whatever they wanted to, as long as they could hide it inside of a roll or fat crease, it would be like the wild, wild west for porkers.

White Supremacist Builds Snowman - HAYDEN, Idaho -- A white separatist drew complaints from neighbors and a visit from law enforcement officers after erecting a snowman shaped like a member of the Ku Klux Klan on his front lawn. Kootenai County sheriff's deputies told Markus Eliseuson Wednesday that he could be charged with a crime because the snowman was holding what appeared to be a noose. Deputies were called by neighbors who were appalled by the pointy-headed snowman with two dark eyes.

Look, I'm not condoning racism, the Klan, or anything like it.  But in this guys defense, its Hayden Idaho, how was he supposed to know someone would be offended by offering Frosty the Snowman temporary Klan status?  Aside from migrant workers during potato season are there really any non-white citizens in Idaho?

Aliens Among us? - Alien life has been among us all along, according to new biological findings announced by NASA Thursday.

No shit, they could have just taken a trip down to the DMV or post office to figure this one out.



Multimillion Dollar Drug Group Busted - A Dorchester drug lord dripping with diamonds employed family, lovers and neighbors during the 20 years he ran a multimillion-dollar coke and crack ring — but now faces spending the rest of his days in a no-frills cell, authorities said yesterday.Michael “Muscle Mike” Williams, 43 — a father of six described by a law-enforcement source as one of Boston’s “original gangsters” — topped a chart of 20 men and women charged by the feds yesterday with distributing massive amounts of crack manufactured in Dorchester tenements. “We’re talking about millions and millions of dollars,” U.S. Attorney Carmen M. Ortiz said of Operation Magic Wand.

I always wonder how someone can be savvy and smart enough to run a multi million dollar drug ring (and for decades in this case) yet not realize that parking luxury autmobiles right outside the triple decker slum of an apartment you live in is a dead give away.  You realize you can move to a nicer neighborhood and just keep an office on the old block right? 

Living in Buffalo Must Suck

(CNN) -- More lake-effect snow could blanket parts of upstate New York Friday, forecasters said, as residents continue digging out from a storm that shut down a major highway and left up to six-foot-high drifts in its wake...Several spots got hit hard by this week's storm, and consistently. National Weather Service spotters reported more than 32 inches in communities east and south by Thursday evening. Plus, temperatures just below freezing made for wet snow that forecasters cautioned "will bring down some tree limbs and produce scattered power outages."


Its the freaking snowpocalypse in Buffalo right now, only if the apocalypse was something that came around a few times a year.  Remind me again why anyone chooses to live in that God forsaken area?

Routinely hit Biblical "lake effect" snow storms that have nothing to do with normal weather patterns, proximity to Canada without the benefits of universal healthcare or cheap college tuition, and a football team that elects to play some of its home games in Canada despite the fact that Canadians don't even know the rules to real football. 

These people are aware they're allowed to move, right?  The job market can't possibly be worth living through this hell, people stranded on the highway freezing their asses off for 20 hours! I'd like to know what job is worth that kind of rush hour traffic.

And has anyone even considered filling in whatever lake is causing all this snow?  Clearly a demonically possessed lake.  Normal lakes don't do shit like this, they're happy places that people can, people jetski, swim, tube ride, etc...none of this "the lake is actively trying to kill people" bull shit.  Someone needs to perform an exorcism, stat.

Lebron Steamers City of Cleveland (Cleveland Steamer reference)

 

Hysterical pic, a shame that the Cav's owners didn't get a ton of Lebron Urinal Cakes made up before last night.  Bigger shame is how the Cavs responded at game time.  Terrible. 

To the people of Cleveland, glad you had your fun or cathartic moment or whatever that was but its time to start moving on and addressing the horrible state of your team is step one.  About 2 minutes into the 3rd quarter the boos should have started raining down whenever your own team had the ball.  I haven't seen a more pathetic showing since...well since Cleveland quit in the playoffs last year.  Oh, never mind then I guess that's just par for the course for the city of Cleveland.  Just a bunch of pathetic losers, content with rooting for pathetic loser, carry on.

Also, not that I'm a fan in any way of Lebrons, but I respect the hell out of him for having a monster game last night.  That's the kind of killer instinct most just assumed he turned his back on when he decided he'd rather play recess basketball every day rather than reach for greatness. 

The Second Coming Is Near?

Is this guy serious? Does he really think I'm buying his jewlery shit if the 2nd coming is right around the corner? I'll just wait til the riot starts and loot the place, right now I need to stock up on non-perishables and shotguns.

Look, I'm sure the second coming is supposed to be some joyous celebration, but that's just not realistic.  Have you seen how humans behave these days?  If Jesus is coming back and expecting parades and shit he better bring an entourage of body guards and a bullet proof car, shit is out of control on earth right now.  People have straight up forgotten how to celebrate and have a good time, we all just move straight to rioting as a reflex reaction to any kind of news now.  

I think I speak for the few of us sane humans left when I beg that the come back be put off just a while longer.  We're just not as a place where we can handle it right now.  

PS:  If the you knew the Apocalypse was coming would you run out and open as many credit cards as possible?  Its the first thing I'd do. I'd live large for however long earth had left.