Welker Made A Funny Joke Sunday and then Spent the Whole Next Day Explaining the Tenets of Humor to the Boston Media

Boston - Though he said it with a wink and a smile, Wes Welker's postgame comment on Comcast SportsNet New England on Sunday night about his 13-catch game ("It's nice to stick it in Bill's face once in a while") certainly became water-cooler and talk-show fodder Monday...Welker probably knew that it had blown up and didn't run from it today, speaking with reporters in the Patriots' locker room. He explained that it was said in jest. "Yeah, I mean ... it was a joke. I don't know what else to say about it; it was a joke. But Bill and I, whether y'all believe it or not, have a good relationship and it was a joke and I'll make sure to keep that in-house going forward," he said.

He fucking winked, people!
 
Example 1A of why the majority of local athletes treat the Boston sports media and their requests for interviews as if they were Nigerian princes asking you to help them gain custody of their vast treasure chests of gold coins and diamonds.

I mean, a guy can't walk up to the podium, blatantly wink while saying something completely in jest, without having to spend the entire next day explaining himself...and they wonder why so many of our local athletes are hesitant to talk off the cuff. Are you kidding me?

I always kind of assumed that most media members and journalists had some understanding of the nuances of the english language, but maybe sarcasm some how escapes them? Sort of similar to that Ricky Gervais movie, The Invention of Lying...That's the only realistic situation here, right? That they've never before encountered sarcasm?

I Could Lie to You and Tell you This Post is About Stacey Dash's Political Leanings...

Or I could just be honest and be like...Stacey Dash folks, she's still got it! Jeepers Crow. Woman is like 46 and doesn't look a day past her prime thigh-high stockings and plaid skirts days of Clueless...I'll be honest I kinda forgot about Stacey Dash, but back in the day I thought she was the bees knees. I wouldn't have admitted it back then but back in the day any time Clueless was on HBO or some cable station that was a much watch for me. As an 11-12 year old tween that was as good as it gets and Stacey Dash was my girl.

Oh...as far as the political side to this post, apparently Ms. Dash is supporting Romney and the black twitter community has a huge problem with this...you know, because she's black...

Fox -“Clueless” star Stacey Dash recently tweeted her support for Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, accompanied by a patriotic swimsuit picture of herself...“You’re an unemployed black woman endorsing Mitt Romney. You’re voting against yourself thrice. You poor beautiful idiot,” one Twitter user wrote, while @Black Voice wrote, “Stacey Dash had a perm since birth. I knew I couldn’t trust her.. lol.” Others accused the actress of “voting for white supremacy,” claiming she “is white with a dark tan,” and calling Dash a slew of offensive names. Several other Obama supporters even went as far as to encourage “the old hag” to “kill herself.”

Old Hag my ass. 

Is This the Face of A Man Who Croaked After A Roach Eating Contest Due to Possible Roach Allergy?

Inquirer - MIAMI—The winner of a roach-eating contest in South Florida died shortly after downing dozens of the live bugs as well as worms, authorities said Monday. About 30 contestants ate the insects during Friday night’s contest at Ben Siegel Reptile Store in Deerfield Beach about 40 miles (64 kilometers) north of Miami. The grand prize was a python. Edward Archbold, 32, became ill shortly after the contest ended and collapsed in front of the store, according to a Broward Sheriff’s Office statement released Monday. He was taken to the hospital where he was pronounced dead. Authorities were waiting for results of an autopsy to determine a cause of death. “Unless the roaches were contaminated with some bacteria or other pathogens, I don’t think that cockroaches would be unsafe to eat,” said Michael Adams, professor of entomology at the University of California at Riverside, who added that he has never heard of someone dying after consuming roaches. “Some people do have allergies to roaches,” he said, “but there are no toxins in roaches or related insects.”

You see, Big Network TV? You see what you've done? Without the legitimate and safe outlet for bug eating exploits provided by Fear Factor, this is what people are turning to...unsanctioned amateur roach eating contests (and apparently worms...seems like a real amateur move to fill up on worms during a roach eating contest) and tragic deaths. And for what? A snake? I've owned a python, they're like $75-$100 tops...At least Joe Rogan was tossing around tens of thousands of dollars and the promise of reality tv groupy sex. This prize sucks. Kinda makes you wonder if it was all worth it.

Facebook to Now Allow Users to Pay to Promote their Status Updates and Instragrammed Food

Fox - Facebook wants you to advertise … to your friends. The world’s largest social network, which announced Thursday that it has crossed the billion-user mark, has struggled to make money from its enormous pool of users. The solution: Turning individual users into advertisers...Facebook announced Wednesday that Joe Sixpack will soon be able to ensure that you're reading his messages, thanks to an expansion of the Promoted Posts program, which lets businesses pay anywhere from a few dollars to a few thousand to ensure that hundreds of thousands of Facebookers see your posts. “As part of a test starting today, people in the U.S. can promote personal posts to their friends on Facebook,” explained Abhishek Doshi, a software engineer, on Facebook’s website. “When you promote a post -- whether it’s wedding photos, a garage sale, or big news -- you bump it higher in news feed so your friends and subscribers are more likely to notice it.”..Facebook announced Wednesday that Joe Sixpack will soon be able to ensure that you're reading his messages, thanks to an expansion of the Promoted Posts program, which lets businesses pay anywhere from a few dollars to a few thousand to ensure that hundreds of thousands of Facebookers see your posts. “As part of a test starting today, people in the U.S. can promote personal posts to their friends on Facebook,” explained Abhishek Doshi, a software engineer, on Facebook’s website. “When you promote a post -- whether it’s wedding photos, a garage sale, or big news -- you bump it higher in news feed so your friends and subscribers are more likely to notice it.”

Ok, I'm not going to get all dramatic and say that if you do this I'll un-friend you, I'm not going to bitch about the fact that on top of having to wade through countless advertisements for Tide Detergent and Duracell batteries every time I log on to Facebook just to see what my fake internet friends are up to, I'm now going to have to add advertisements specifically from those fake internet friends for garage sales, craigslist adds, and awesome pictures of what they had for dinner...I'm fine with all that.

I'm just going to say, if you're one of these people who feels the need to pay Facebook to ensure people see your post/status update/picture of food...You really need to look in the mirror and take stock of your life.  Really think about what that's saying about you. You're basically paying to advertise the fact that not only do you assume internet strangers and fake friends who, by logging into Facebook, are admitting they've got nothing better to do than to kill time and look for gossip fodder, aren't going to find you interesting enough to pay attention to...But that also your real friends have so little interest in what's going on in your life (or what you purport to be your life through phony updates) that they're just going to skim right by your updates. That's what you're saying.

So if you're at that point, I'd say paying $7 for a post that says "Little Caroline's First Poop on the Potty!", shouldn't be your top priority. Maybe getting out and seeing some real people, or a shrink perhaps. At the very least pick up the phone and talk to an actual human voice. Because when you're at the point where you're literally paying for the lowest form of human contact imaginable, the "Like", that's when you know you really need help.

State Funded Sex Change Murderer Toss Up

Would you rather be this, or...

Boston - Michelle Kosilek, the convicted murderer who is seeking a taxpayer-funded sex change operation, is asking for more than $800,000 in attorney’s fees and costs...Kosilek won her legal battle in US District Court in September. But the state is appealing the controversial ruling by US District Judge Mark Wolf that the surgery is the only adequate care for Kosilek’s gender identity disorder...Under Globe policy, Kosilek is being referred to as a woman because that is the gender with which she identifies. Born Robert Kosilek, Michelle Kosilek began transitioning to a female identity in 1990, the year that she strangled her then-wife. She has been staying in a men’s prison while taking hormones and developing female physical qualities.

So this has been the hot topic around Boston for what seems like months now, should this dude Robert (I know, why'd he pick Michelle right? Isn't Roberta the obvious choice?), a convicted murder serving life, be entitled to a state funded sex change because he views himself as a woman...Let's first state the obvious, No. Apparently though, the legal system has lost interest in common sense, and now he's going to become a she, on tax payer dimes, barring a successful appeal.

From the State's side, the tax payers side, or basically anyone or anything that has a basic level of common sense, this is an abomination. But from a prisoners side? Genius I say. So here's the toss up: Would you rather serve life in male prison with your natural born dick, or life in woman's prison, at the expense of a little nip and tuck.

This poor dude

Now this is life. You're not getting out. No parole. No good behavior. You're going to die in that cell. And I say fuck it, bring on the knife. I know myself, I know I'd last one hour in prison before my first anxiety attack over being raped by that guy with the lisp and his pocket hanging out of his pants from prison break. Screw that. I'll take a lifetime of scissoring with no dick over the threat of being some dude's pet. No shame in that. I'd say having no dick but living as the bull of the females prison is 100% more masculine than having your dick but using some large man's hairy stomach as your pillow when you go to bed a night for the rest of your life.

So Robert, I get it. I do. But you're still an asshole.

Lebron James Spent His Off Season Getting Hair Plugs

Terez Owens - Nike Sportswear has introduced the new LeBron James Diamond Collection apparel for the Holiday 2012 season, and as you can see above, LeBron looks a bit different….and now we know why. Our source tells us LeBron had hair corrective surgery a little over two months ago. We’re being told he was sick and tired of hearing all the jokes revolving around his rapidly receding hairline…and he knew no matter how many championships he won, people would always point to that right away. Now If you look at the pics side by side, you can definitely tell he filled in his coffin corners, and it appears the King with the thinning crown is no more. Maybe now he could scrap the Triple Headband. -TO

I want to hate on Lebron here, but I really can't. I mean he just looks flat out awful in that pic on the left. Guy is 27 years old and already has Karl Malone trademarked hair. You've gotta get that shit fixed.

Plus, it's good to see winning a championship didn't change who Lebron is...he's still a narcissistic baby who's way too concerned with what everyone things of him...and I love how people making fun of his fugly head of hair bothered him enough to do something about it but he's still content to chew his nails on the bench on live television, setting himself up for Lebron's nervous in the clutch, Lebron's a baby, Lebron still drinks from a bottle, Lebron needs people to cut up his food for him (actually that last one's true). He's just a giant enigma.

Oh yea...and MJ would have never done that. MJ may have clothes like a dickhead, but he knew to shave his head when he was going bald. He wasn't going to no hair club for men.

Obama-Romney Round 1: Romney Wins, With a Hat Tip to Michelle

So the Presidential debate, Round 1, went off last night, for real in-depth analysis you're better served going to any number of other sites, for a brief bare bones analysis and some snarky comments, you're in the right place.

With that said, Romney won.  Romney won in a landslide. And I say that as a non-Romney guy. He killed him. BO was constantly on the defense, Romney had that creepy perma grin on the entire night (though that may not have been on purpose, Romney's face looked like it had been pulled back recently which could explain that).  Bottom line, last night's debate could be broken down in one sentence as follows: Romney attacks, Obama forced to defend how shitty the country has been for the past four years, Romney gets away without having to let us in on one single detail of his economic plan, thus avoiding any areas for Obama to attack.

That was it, plain and simple. Oh, and the debate had possibly the most limp dick moderator of all time. Poor guy was just getting cuckolded on national television, outright ignored left and right.

So round one is in the books and it was a thoroughly Romney round. Good for him, he'll probably need it once we hit foreign policy, and especially for social issues debates...Gotta think the President will hone in on the whole hates gays, women, and vaginas thing.

Also, anyone looking for a reason why Obama looked so lost, confused, and frankly a bit perturbed last night should look no further than Michelle. It was the dude's 20th anniversary! If you don't think he caught some shit for making her spend it in an auditorium in Denver you're outside your mind. You know how much passive aggressive shit he probably caught in the week leading up to this? The guy is the President of the United States! If he didn't want this on his anniversary, it wouldn't have been on his anniversary! Michelle knows that. She knows he could have had this moved to basically any day of his picking, but he didn't. And as a result I have no doubt she tortured him with mental warfare all week, basically handing the debate to Romney.

...Or it simply could be that Obama, despite being an exceedingly nice guy, just really doesn't grasp how the economy works...

American Idol or Celebrity Rehab?

Daily Mail - Nicki Minaj is said to have threatened Mariah Carey after her American Idol co-star called her a 'b****' - it is now being claimed. Show bosses cancelled filming in Charlotte, North Carolina for the day on Tuesday after a huge blow up between the pair where Nicki allegedly threatened and swore at Mariah...Their fellow panellists Keith Urban and Randy Jackson were caught in the middle of the row, according to TMZ, which is running a video of the row, where Nicki can be heard ranting at Mariah. A source told the website: '[Nicki said to Mariah] "I'm gonna knock you out" - although this was not caught on tape.' In the video being run by TMZ, Minaj can be heard saying: 'I told them I'm not f*****g putting up with her f*****g highness over there [Referring to Mariah]. Figure it the f*** out. Figure it out.' Mariah can also be heard answering back in the video - but it is difficult to make out exactly what she is saying.

So here's the video, I can't embed for some reason, anyway...I'm going to have to revisit my opinion that this season of American Idol is going to be unwatchable, it might be the single most entertaining one yet...Not for good reasons like the talent is unreal or Simon and his charming snark are back or anything, but because the show has essentially degraded into a therapy session from Celebrity Rehab with renowned crazy Mariah Carey and crazy in a not so subtle way Nicki Minaj just squaring off nightly. 

Poor Randy Jackson in over his head trying to simultaneously judge the next generation of musical talent with his extremely limited range of vocabulary ("in it to win it" , "gotta have it", "dawg" , "for me it wasn't good" , that's it, those are the only english phrases you need to know to judge a singing competition on national television), and play Dr. Phil for these two nutso's. Then you've got that poor country guy, who literally has no idea what he signed himself up for, but the producers backed a truck full of cash up to his house because The Voice has a country guy so they needed to go get them one to keep up in the ratings, and lets be honest, all male country stars are interchangeable.

It's going to be crazy to say the least.

PS: I'm fully on team Mariah here. Maybe I'm just comfortable with her craziness after having her around for years now, I don't know. I just feel like she spent a decade and a half or so building her right to be certifiable, Nicki just throws on cotton candy for wigs and raps like a demonic toddler and we're supposed to respect her fragile creative mind. I don't think so. I'll take the subtle crazy over the in your face "look at me, I'm crazy" any day of the week.

Target's New "Amazing" Sales Training Program is Actually "Annoying" to Customers

Daily Mail - Target has a plan to take on the growing competition of online giant Amazon - and it all rests on making their employees 'amazing'. The staff guide to becoming an ideal Target employee have been leaked online, packed full of corporate buzzwords and cringe-worthy customer service tips. The training manual - entitled 'Welcome To Amazing' - provides workers with a script to follow, making sure that customer service is top notch...According to the Target script 'service is the difference maker' and leads to loyal customers. The manual goes on to describe the 'service vibe' which can 'make guests feel welcomed and comfortable...cared for and appreciated... and even moments that stir up a little spontaneous fun'. Store executives have then helpfully outlined what exactly classifies as an 'amazing moment' for staff...Store executives have then helpfully outlined what exactly classifies as an 'amazing moment' for staff...'A moment is when we look up from what we are doing to say hi to the guest that just came down the aisle... Amazing is how the whole family feels when we sincerely offer help,' it reads.

Look, I'm on record several times as preferring Target to Walmart. Hands down. But it's time for some tough love, Target. Because this is some of the most ass backward corporate strategy I've ever heard, and it's affecting me personally.

Last week I went into Target to buy a stick of deodorant. That's it. I realized that morning I was out, went to work, self consciously smelled my pits all day fearing I would wreak of B.O. and have no fat person near by to blame it on, and finally went over to Target after work to rectify the situation.

As I'm checking out, this young cashier pushes the "Target Debit Card on me." I say no thanks. She continues though. "I don't see why anyone wouldn't want it, it's free and you get whatever % percent she said cash back." Slightly annoyed I reply, probably because people don't want to open new credit cards, I thought it was over, it was not. She continues:

Annoying Check out Girl: But it's not a credit card!

Me: Oh really, what is it?

Annoying Check out girl (ACOG): It's a debit card, it's linked directly to your checking account.

Me, Now Really Annoyed: Well that's not really better, most people don't want Target attached to their personal checking account.

ACOG: I don't see why not, I did it and it's safer and more secure than my banks debit card.

Me, I've now had it: Oh really? Like, the same Target that had a massive consumer data breach about a year or so ago? That Target is safer than using the card my bank issued me?

And that was that, I bought my deodorant and left. Nevermind the fact that trying to upsell me on a stick of FUCKING DEODORANT was crazy to begin with. I'm not exactly buying a flat screen tv here where your 3% or 5% or whatever it was would actually mean something. I'm pretty sure I can handle a stick of deodorant on my own, thanks though.

And if it continues like that, if "Amazing" Sales people are going to "Annoy" the fuck out of me, every time I enter the store, I'll stop going. If Target wants some real help identifying areas of improvement from an actual customer here are a couple, written in their own corporate verbiage:

A "Moment" is when you walk into Target and see that only 3 of the 21 sales lines are open and you'll be stuck buying a box of q-tips behind the family of 5 and their annoying kids who can't decide what pack of check out line gum they want to buy along with their 35 other items that they'll be paying for with 3 separate credit cards. "Amazing would be walking in and seeing at least half of those check out lines open.

A "Moment" is walking into Target to be bombarded by sales people trying to up-sell you, apparently taking their cue from the annoying folks at BestBuy. "Amazing" would be walking into the store, finding my toilet paper and paper towels on my own, and checking out without having to interact with anyone.

A "moment" is walking into Target and realizing that all the checkout lines are manned by actual people. "Amazing" would be walking into see that Target has finally realized it is 2012 and every other store on earth has self checkout lines.

Just a few helpful hints guys. I still believe in you, but you gotta tighten things up and ditch the corporate sales pitch. It just doesn't work in the real world with people getting off work and just trying to do a quick errand before heading home for Thursday Night Football.