REJOICE, Ron Burgundy Announces Anchorman 2!

Wow! This announcement is causing, uhh, pleating in my pants, is, uh, causing a bit of an illusion here. It's not me, its the pleating.

I honestly couldn't be more excited. In my opinion Anchorman was easily the most quotable movie of the 2000's...more so than Superbad, Knocked Up, The Hangover, Wedding Crashers, The Breakup, Pineapple Express, Old School, and narrowly, narrowly edging out The 40 Year Old Virgin. And honestly, that's all I look for in a comedy, can I carry out entire 10 minute conversations with my friends in just movie quotes? That's it, if the answer is yes, the movie has done their job. 

That's why a part of me wishes they'd just release the DVD in conjunction with the theatrical release, I'd love to get a jump start on memorizing the script line for line, like right away. It's always awkward those first few weeks after a movie is released when people are running around quoting lines, but not quite getting the quotes right, and then 6 months later when the DVD is released and you've all watched it you end up with that awkward, "shit, so all those times we laughed at that line for the last half year, it was just made up?" I mean there was a year long period where two of my friends attempted to quote the Joker from Batman, and then the DVD came out and everyone thought they were idiots. Didn't get a single line right...Sure they had the main points, like "A Year Ago," and "you look nervous," but they couldn't have been more wrong about the rest of the words that made up the sentences...which was hilarious in it's own right. 

So please, in order to avoid months and months of incorrect quotes, please just send me a pre-release DVD, I'm basically a member of the writers guild  at this point, right?

All Those MBTA Fare and Service Cut Protests and Town Meetings? Over a Measly 30 Cents Per Ride.

BOSTON (AP) - Bus and subway fares would rise an average 23 percent and there would be some reductions in service as part of final recommendations outlined Wednesday by MBTA officials to close a deficit in the debt-ridden Boston-area transit system. The changes called for under the plan would be less drastic than earlier scenarios that projected fare hikes of up to 43 percent and more extensive service cuts...Under the plan, bus fares for passengers using Charlie Cards would rise from the current $1.25 to $1.50, and subway fares would jump from $1.70 to $2 dollars.

PHEWWW...Great job guys, good thing we went through MONTHS of public meetings and demonstrations to decide on a miniscule 23% fare increase so that the service you all depend on so much could remain solvent. I'm sure everyone feels that was worth their time...It's .30 cents a ride! I literally just went over to my coat pocket to see if I had 30 cents floating around...Yup.

I'm just glad no one got really crazy, like adults dressing up in made up superhero costumes they may or may not have crafted together during one zany afternoon at Michaels Arts and Crafts...Oh wait...

Fast Five superheroes shake up MBTA meeting: MyFoxBOSTON.com

Yea, that'll get the job done, if there's one thing everyone knows the government responds to its people with well informed opinions dressed in children's costumes...

By far my favorite part of this entire charade came a couple of weeks ago when, after all the scheduled town meetings had concluded, the President (or GM, whatever his title is) of the MBTA came out and said basically, "Hey, we appreciate your opinions, but cuts and fare hikes are going to happen, they're necessary." 

HA. That was fantastic, because it was a reality check for some of these people. Guys, the MBTA it needs more money. Typically, business in high demand earn more money by RAISING PRICES. It's economics. No amount of middle aged schmo's wearing spandex is going to change that. This was a poorly managed organization for well over a decade, they were saddled with additional debt from the most bloated public works project of all time, and now they need to figure out a way to pay it back. Yes some of it should come from a larger portion of tax funds being diverted to the MBTA, but a good portion should be on the consumers, its riders. Its only fair.

So again, I'd like to thank everyone for their time, hours of discussion and reading material for myself and my co-workers, and great job fighting that $.30 increase. Job well done.

Frank McCourt is Literally "LMAO'ing" At Everyone Buying Lottery Tix After He Sold the Dodgers for $2 Billion

So I woke up today to a couple of MIND BLOWING financial figures. The first, Mega-Millions has reached a mind boggling $476 million dollar jackpot, and if you don't think I'm taking the next two days off from work and just hopping in my car and buying quick picks along every exit of I-95, state to state, you're out of your mind. I'm pretty sure I could literally heat my house by burning $100 bills and not have a care in the world with that kind of money, its pretty insane. 

That does NOT look like a $300 a day hair cut

But secondly, Frank McCourt, the disgraced owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers, sold the team for a sports franchise record $2 BILLION last night. 2 BILLION! This guy just went from over $500 million in debt, to a certified billionaire over night. This gigantic asshole who used to pay $300 a day for haircuts, who ran a very proud franchise into the ground and had to borrow money just to stay afloat, is once again a VERY Rich man...Mind you he bought the team for just over $430 million eight years ago, meaning the team grossed him a return of roughly 465%! That's gotta be some kind of business deal record, no? Can we get Darren Rovell to drop whatever he's doing (presumably tweeting facts about sports jersey sales) and research this? And more importantly, can we get Frank McCourt to sign some kind of clause that says he can't be an asshole with his money this time around?

For some reason it just absolutely kills me to know that this guy, who was SO bad at owning and running his franchise, has somehow been rewarded with a financial windfall that makes this record breaking lottery jackpot seem like loose change under the sofa. I'm hardly a 99%er as my blogging history would easily demonstrate, but that just doesn't seem right. This is a guy who essentially did nothing right since 2004 and is some how walking away filthy rich. Just like I said at the outset, I've got nothing else to say except its mind boggling.

8 Year Old Captures House Burglar Using Ipad, Thinks He's Real Life Kevin McCallister Now

HuffPo - A burglar allegedly responsible for multiple break-ins was outsmarted last week by an 8-year-old boy. Third-grader Landon Crabtree used a tracking device application he'd downloaded to find an iPad and other possessions recently stolen from his family's home in Manchester, Tenn. He activated the app from a computer in his house and it revealed that the pilfered iPad was at a nearby motel, the Tennessean reported. "You don't mess with our family," said Landon, who wants to be an FBI agent when he grows up, according to WTVF. 

Fricken kids these days, everything is just handed to them, everything's so simple. Here this kid is thinking he's some kind of crime fighting wunderkind all because he flicked a toggle switch and activated some app on his Ipad...pfffft. Yea, congrats on getting your family's stuff back kid, but slow ya roll with that "You don't mess with our family," stuff. You're no Kevin McCallister. 

Kevin handle his shit like a man, he didn't have google and modern tablet technology, he didn't run to the cops, and he certainly didn't have mom and dad help him out. None of that stopped him from building the most elaborate and diabolical booby traps this side of Mouse Trap and taking down the Sticky (formerly known as Wet) bandits, not once, but twice.  

That's a bit more of an accomplishment than some kid taking a five minute break from Angry Birds and geo-tracking some idiot robber from the comfort of his couch. I mean, what did that take you, all of 4 minutes? Probably had it neatly wrapped up during a Sponge Bob commercial break.

PS: I will say this though, this kids Facebook creeping skills are going to be off the charts.

Breaking News: Jessica Simpson "Wants to Get Back In Shape."

Hey Jess- You want to get back in shape? You could start by delivering what is surely by now a toddler aged baby you've got squatting in your womb, that should help shed some serious L-B's right there.

But in all seriousness Jess, for the sake of the blogosphere, you've gotta have that baby, and you've gotta have that now. Not a day goes by that I don't open twitter, facebook, or browse one of my daily blogs where someone isn't making a joke about your outhouse sized stature. This is my 3rd blog about it. THIRD! (here, here) And it's  not because I want to, its that I physically and mentally cannot move on until this circus side show you've got going on is over. 

So I'm begging you, for the productivity of this blog, my twitter feed, and everyone else's sanity, either give birth or take some pepto-bismol and digest those two Christmas Hams you've been hanging on to for the last year.  The speculation is literally killing us.

January Jones Eats her Placenta?

Yahoo - Most mammals eat their own placenta after giving birth and according to "Mad Men's" January Jones, more women should try ingesting their offspring's afterbirth as well. Speaking at a press junket before the show's season premiere, the actress told People magazine that she pops a dehydrated placenta capsule when she's feeling tired or blue. "Its not witch-crafty or anything, I suggest it to all moms!" Jones enthused. Since the 34 year-old single mom was able to return to the set about seven weeks after her son Xander was born, her controversial elixir may be working. There is little scientific evidence to show any benefits to eating placenta, but advocates say that it helps increase milk flow and ease post-partum depression. Speaking with the BBC, obstetrician Maggie Blott explained, "Animals eat their placenta to get nutrition--but when people are already well-nourished, there is no benefit, there is no reason to do it."

"There is little scientific evidence to show any benefits to eating placenta." Yea, but I'm sure there's heaps of evidence that show "eating placenta is the single grossest thing, ever." Honestly, sometimes the internet just gives you something you can't un-see or un-read. This is just one of those times. I didn't want to share this with all of you, but I also didn't want to be the only one thinking about this.

Women eat their after-birth. Just think about that. Not even fried, either. Someone just dry's the gooey-ness off, dehydrates it like a piece of fruit, and then they munch on it. Munching on a fleshy blob thing that exited their vagina during birth. I just dry heaved a couple of times.

I don't even like the word "placenta." I gag about 50% of the time I hear it as it is, never mind when I just google imaged it to see exactly how gross of a thing we're talking about (just take my word for it, you don't want to see it). I'm not sure how any human being of sane mind could eat this, and I'm not sure what great conclusion there is for me to draw here...actually there isn't one. Like I said, I just really didn't want to be alone in knowing about this.

So there you go, now all of you  know, some women eat their placenta.

PS: Plural of placenta? Placenta's? Placentae? Can I get a ruling here?

I Just Don't Get The Mad Men Phenomenon

CNN -- After a 17-month absence, a heavy marketing campaign and a flood of adoring publicity, TV's most critically acclaimed drama returned Sunday night to record ratings. The fifth-season debut of AMC's "Mad Men" delivered 3.5 million viewers for its two-hour premiere. That's up 21 percent from 2010′s fourth-season premiere, which marked the show's previous all-time high. Of those viewers, about 1.6 million were adults 18-49. The fourth season averaged about 2.4 million viewers, including DVR playback. "Mad Men's" first season averaged about 925,000 viewers.

Can I be honest? I just don't get Mad Men. Never watched an episode, never had the slightest inkling to, either. I don't know what it is. I mean it's a cultural phenomenon, Boston.Com is writing about Mad Men parties where a bunch of people dressed up like 1960's ad executives for the premier, not unlike super-dorks who dress up for Harry Potter and every single comic book movie release, critics bombarding the internet gushing about how great it is that it's back...and yet, none of this convinces me I should be watching the show. 

There's just this huge disconnect between how much people rave about the show, and actually listening to them try to describe why the show is so fantastic. It just doesn't line up, it sounds terribly boring, which I'm sure just knocked a fair number of you reading this on your asses. "He called Mad Men Boring! How Dare HE!" But yes, the way you people describe the show is boring. The commercials? BORING. I can appreciate the idea that you get wrapped up in the characters and underlying story lines maybe, but I question how anyone started watching to begin with? What was so relateable or interesting about ad executives from 40-50 years ago? That's what I've never been able to get my head around. 

So I'm going to continue on with my head in the sand I guess. If someone ever comes up with a plausible reason or explanation as to why I'm missing out and should be watching the show, I'll give it a chance, but lets just say I'm not holding my breath. 

PS: after discussing this yesterday via e-mail chain I came to find out that two of my friends also have never watched Mad Men...Could it be that I'm not alone? Could this be one of those things where a very loud and vocal minority are opining about this shows greatness and the rest of us are just nodding along in agreement in fear of standing out from the crowd? God knows I've done it. I've been in situations where people were talking about the show and didn't want to volunteer the fact that I don't watch it, lest I be outcast from the conversation, so I just smiled and nodded, took my cues when to laugh and agree...is that what everyone else is doing, too?

Anyone Else Think Erin Andrews Must Hate Maria Menounos?

BleacherReport - As most will know by now, it was officially announced last week that celebrity Maria Menounos, host of NBC's showbiz recap show Extra, would team with Kelly Kelly to take on the heel duo of Beth Phoenix (the current WWE Divas Champion) and Eve Torres at this year's WrestleMania. For one thing, it's a relatively high-profile match, coming at a time when WWE's women's division is more neglected and badly booked than ever (despite being Divas Champion, Phoenix has only made a handful of appearances on Raw and Smackdown in recent months and many fans have forgotten she's even champion). There's also the fact that Menounos, while not a wrestler, will likely manage to deliver a decent and respectable performance during the tag match. You see, Menounos, a lifelong fan of WWE, has experience in wrestling, having gotten into the ring twice before for the company.

Erin Andrews has to hate Maria Menounos, right? Must stay up late plotting ways to take her out, because if ever there has been a more natural rivalry in the field of glamourous but unecessary woman reporters, this is it.

There's no real difference between them, a couple of good looking girls who presumably have communication degrees, except one gained mainstream acceptance without a much publicized nude video, and the other didn't, and that's gotta kill Erin. She spent years languishing on sports sidelines, asking about pulled groins and sprained appendages, taking smug answers from coaches at halftime, praying that we'd see her as anything different than just another pretty sideline reporter...Wasn't until everyone caught site of her peep-hole video that she finally gained mainstream acceptance, national commercials, Dancing with the Stars, etc, etc...Safe to say her career has taken off from that point.

Maria on the other hand, I don't even know why she's famous. She's a host on E! maybe? I think I've seen her OnDemand listing the weeks movie releases? I honestly don't know. And yet here she is, making WWE apperances, Dancing With the Stars, and all in all being one of the "it" girls right now. All without even showing us a hint of side boob.

That's gotta tear right at Erin Andrews. Yea she's successful now, has more opportunities than being spit on by furious coaches at halftime and snooping around trainers rooms for updates, but still...In the back of her head she's gotta know that part of her fame is because of her sex appeal, and if there is one thing I know about professional woman in the entertainment industry its that they like to pretend their looks don't matter, even though they totally do. And for most of them, they can get away with denying it, but then again most of them don't have a video in which we've seen them nude which serves as a perfect point of inflection for when their career jumped off.  So while she's dealing with that on her conscience, Maria's off in la-la land happily pretending that her fame has more to do with her bubble personality and ability to read off of cue cards than anything to do with her looks. Ignorance is bliss.

What I Learned Yesterday: Tim Tebow is Really, REALLY Excited to be a Jet

Jesus H Tebow. You'd think the reporters asked something like, "Tim, We hear You're Excited to be a Jet, Can You Expound On That a Bit?" And off he went.

Is there something about being a hardcore member of the God-squad that makes you this delusional? Bro, what are you excited about? You're a back up quarterback who just completed less than 50% of your passes last season. You're being brought into run the wildcat and goal line packages after insisting you're starting quarterback. Your new head coach and his wife are into filming kinky shit involving her feet, which, while I don't think there's anything in the Bible about foot fornication, I'd imagine its frowned upon.

Your new team just straight up fell apart last year, and at the end, just about every member of the team was taking "anonymous" shots at the very mediocre quarterback you've been brought in to backup. Now I know you think that's a good thing, you think that gives you a chance to start at some point in the future, and maybe it does...But do you really want it? Do you really want to start for a team that would sell out its leader so quickly? I mean, Santonio Holmes out Judas'd Judas, last year. Sold Mark Sanchez straight down the river. Judas got a few sheckels for his betrayal, Holmes got some media airtime. And that's without even mentioning the media...Sure they love you now, but once they figure out you're not really The Messiah, they're going to turn on you. You don't gotta walk on water and whatnot, but you're definitely going to need a 100% goal line conversion rate to impress these people.

I just don't get it, I just don't get it. As a Pats fan I still love it, and as a fan of the absurd I honestly can't wait, but it still leaves me scratching my head. You can't be this positive dude. You can't honestly think this is a good situation you're walking into.