Frank McCourt is Literally "LMAO'ing" At Everyone Buying Lottery Tix After He Sold the Dodgers for $2 Billion

So I woke up today to a couple of MIND BLOWING financial figures. The first, Mega-Millions has reached a mind boggling $476 million dollar jackpot, and if you don't think I'm taking the next two days off from work and just hopping in my car and buying quick picks along every exit of I-95, state to state, you're out of your mind. I'm pretty sure I could literally heat my house by burning $100 bills and not have a care in the world with that kind of money, its pretty insane. 

That does NOT look like a $300 a day hair cut

But secondly, Frank McCourt, the disgraced owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers, sold the team for a sports franchise record $2 BILLION last night. 2 BILLION! This guy just went from over $500 million in debt, to a certified billionaire over night. This gigantic asshole who used to pay $300 a day for haircuts, who ran a very proud franchise into the ground and had to borrow money just to stay afloat, is once again a VERY Rich man...Mind you he bought the team for just over $430 million eight years ago, meaning the team grossed him a return of roughly 465%! That's gotta be some kind of business deal record, no? Can we get Darren Rovell to drop whatever he's doing (presumably tweeting facts about sports jersey sales) and research this? And more importantly, can we get Frank McCourt to sign some kind of clause that says he can't be an asshole with his money this time around?

For some reason it just absolutely kills me to know that this guy, who was SO bad at owning and running his franchise, has somehow been rewarded with a financial windfall that makes this record breaking lottery jackpot seem like loose change under the sofa. I'm hardly a 99%er as my blogging history would easily demonstrate, but that just doesn't seem right. This is a guy who essentially did nothing right since 2004 and is some how walking away filthy rich. Just like I said at the outset, I've got nothing else to say except its mind boggling.

8 Year Old Captures House Burglar Using Ipad, Thinks He's Real Life Kevin McCallister Now

HuffPo - A burglar allegedly responsible for multiple break-ins was outsmarted last week by an 8-year-old boy. Third-grader Landon Crabtree used a tracking device application he'd downloaded to find an iPad and other possessions recently stolen from his family's home in Manchester, Tenn. He activated the app from a computer in his house and it revealed that the pilfered iPad was at a nearby motel, the Tennessean reported. "You don't mess with our family," said Landon, who wants to be an FBI agent when he grows up, according to WTVF. 

Fricken kids these days, everything is just handed to them, everything's so simple. Here this kid is thinking he's some kind of crime fighting wunderkind all because he flicked a toggle switch and activated some app on his Ipad...pfffft. Yea, congrats on getting your family's stuff back kid, but slow ya roll with that "You don't mess with our family," stuff. You're no Kevin McCallister. 

Kevin handle his shit like a man, he didn't have google and modern tablet technology, he didn't run to the cops, and he certainly didn't have mom and dad help him out. None of that stopped him from building the most elaborate and diabolical booby traps this side of Mouse Trap and taking down the Sticky (formerly known as Wet) bandits, not once, but twice.  

That's a bit more of an accomplishment than some kid taking a five minute break from Angry Birds and geo-tracking some idiot robber from the comfort of his couch. I mean, what did that take you, all of 4 minutes? Probably had it neatly wrapped up during a Sponge Bob commercial break.

PS: I will say this though, this kids Facebook creeping skills are going to be off the charts.

Breaking News: Jessica Simpson "Wants to Get Back In Shape."

Hey Jess- You want to get back in shape? You could start by delivering what is surely by now a toddler aged baby you've got squatting in your womb, that should help shed some serious L-B's right there.

But in all seriousness Jess, for the sake of the blogosphere, you've gotta have that baby, and you've gotta have that now. Not a day goes by that I don't open twitter, facebook, or browse one of my daily blogs where someone isn't making a joke about your outhouse sized stature. This is my 3rd blog about it. THIRD! (here, here) And it's  not because I want to, its that I physically and mentally cannot move on until this circus side show you've got going on is over. 

So I'm begging you, for the productivity of this blog, my twitter feed, and everyone else's sanity, either give birth or take some pepto-bismol and digest those two Christmas Hams you've been hanging on to for the last year.  The speculation is literally killing us.

January Jones Eats her Placenta?

Yahoo - Most mammals eat their own placenta after giving birth and according to "Mad Men's" January Jones, more women should try ingesting their offspring's afterbirth as well. Speaking at a press junket before the show's season premiere, the actress told People magazine that she pops a dehydrated placenta capsule when she's feeling tired or blue. "Its not witch-crafty or anything, I suggest it to all moms!" Jones enthused. Since the 34 year-old single mom was able to return to the set about seven weeks after her son Xander was born, her controversial elixir may be working. There is little scientific evidence to show any benefits to eating placenta, but advocates say that it helps increase milk flow and ease post-partum depression. Speaking with the BBC, obstetrician Maggie Blott explained, "Animals eat their placenta to get nutrition--but when people are already well-nourished, there is no benefit, there is no reason to do it."

"There is little scientific evidence to show any benefits to eating placenta." Yea, but I'm sure there's heaps of evidence that show "eating placenta is the single grossest thing, ever." Honestly, sometimes the internet just gives you something you can't un-see or un-read. This is just one of those times. I didn't want to share this with all of you, but I also didn't want to be the only one thinking about this.

Women eat their after-birth. Just think about that. Not even fried, either. Someone just dry's the gooey-ness off, dehydrates it like a piece of fruit, and then they munch on it. Munching on a fleshy blob thing that exited their vagina during birth. I just dry heaved a couple of times.

I don't even like the word "placenta." I gag about 50% of the time I hear it as it is, never mind when I just google imaged it to see exactly how gross of a thing we're talking about (just take my word for it, you don't want to see it). I'm not sure how any human being of sane mind could eat this, and I'm not sure what great conclusion there is for me to draw here...actually there isn't one. Like I said, I just really didn't want to be alone in knowing about this.

So there you go, now all of you  know, some women eat their placenta.

PS: Plural of placenta? Placenta's? Placentae? Can I get a ruling here?

I Just Don't Get The Mad Men Phenomenon

CNN -- After a 17-month absence, a heavy marketing campaign and a flood of adoring publicity, TV's most critically acclaimed drama returned Sunday night to record ratings. The fifth-season debut of AMC's "Mad Men" delivered 3.5 million viewers for its two-hour premiere. That's up 21 percent from 2010′s fourth-season premiere, which marked the show's previous all-time high. Of those viewers, about 1.6 million were adults 18-49. The fourth season averaged about 2.4 million viewers, including DVR playback. "Mad Men's" first season averaged about 925,000 viewers.

Can I be honest? I just don't get Mad Men. Never watched an episode, never had the slightest inkling to, either. I don't know what it is. I mean it's a cultural phenomenon, Boston.Com is writing about Mad Men parties where a bunch of people dressed up like 1960's ad executives for the premier, not unlike super-dorks who dress up for Harry Potter and every single comic book movie release, critics bombarding the internet gushing about how great it is that it's back...and yet, none of this convinces me I should be watching the show. 

There's just this huge disconnect between how much people rave about the show, and actually listening to them try to describe why the show is so fantastic. It just doesn't line up, it sounds terribly boring, which I'm sure just knocked a fair number of you reading this on your asses. "He called Mad Men Boring! How Dare HE!" But yes, the way you people describe the show is boring. The commercials? BORING. I can appreciate the idea that you get wrapped up in the characters and underlying story lines maybe, but I question how anyone started watching to begin with? What was so relateable or interesting about ad executives from 40-50 years ago? That's what I've never been able to get my head around. 

So I'm going to continue on with my head in the sand I guess. If someone ever comes up with a plausible reason or explanation as to why I'm missing out and should be watching the show, I'll give it a chance, but lets just say I'm not holding my breath. 

PS: after discussing this yesterday via e-mail chain I came to find out that two of my friends also have never watched Mad Men...Could it be that I'm not alone? Could this be one of those things where a very loud and vocal minority are opining about this shows greatness and the rest of us are just nodding along in agreement in fear of standing out from the crowd? God knows I've done it. I've been in situations where people were talking about the show and didn't want to volunteer the fact that I don't watch it, lest I be outcast from the conversation, so I just smiled and nodded, took my cues when to laugh and agree...is that what everyone else is doing, too?

Anyone Else Think Erin Andrews Must Hate Maria Menounos?

BleacherReport - As most will know by now, it was officially announced last week that celebrity Maria Menounos, host of NBC's showbiz recap show Extra, would team with Kelly Kelly to take on the heel duo of Beth Phoenix (the current WWE Divas Champion) and Eve Torres at this year's WrestleMania. For one thing, it's a relatively high-profile match, coming at a time when WWE's women's division is more neglected and badly booked than ever (despite being Divas Champion, Phoenix has only made a handful of appearances on Raw and Smackdown in recent months and many fans have forgotten she's even champion). There's also the fact that Menounos, while not a wrestler, will likely manage to deliver a decent and respectable performance during the tag match. You see, Menounos, a lifelong fan of WWE, has experience in wrestling, having gotten into the ring twice before for the company.

Erin Andrews has to hate Maria Menounos, right? Must stay up late plotting ways to take her out, because if ever there has been a more natural rivalry in the field of glamourous but unecessary woman reporters, this is it.

There's no real difference between them, a couple of good looking girls who presumably have communication degrees, except one gained mainstream acceptance without a much publicized nude video, and the other didn't, and that's gotta kill Erin. She spent years languishing on sports sidelines, asking about pulled groins and sprained appendages, taking smug answers from coaches at halftime, praying that we'd see her as anything different than just another pretty sideline reporter...Wasn't until everyone caught site of her peep-hole video that she finally gained mainstream acceptance, national commercials, Dancing with the Stars, etc, etc...Safe to say her career has taken off from that point.

Maria on the other hand, I don't even know why she's famous. She's a host on E! maybe? I think I've seen her OnDemand listing the weeks movie releases? I honestly don't know. And yet here she is, making WWE apperances, Dancing With the Stars, and all in all being one of the "it" girls right now. All without even showing us a hint of side boob.

That's gotta tear right at Erin Andrews. Yea she's successful now, has more opportunities than being spit on by furious coaches at halftime and snooping around trainers rooms for updates, but still...In the back of her head she's gotta know that part of her fame is because of her sex appeal, and if there is one thing I know about professional woman in the entertainment industry its that they like to pretend their looks don't matter, even though they totally do. And for most of them, they can get away with denying it, but then again most of them don't have a video in which we've seen them nude which serves as a perfect point of inflection for when their career jumped off.  So while she's dealing with that on her conscience, Maria's off in la-la land happily pretending that her fame has more to do with her bubble personality and ability to read off of cue cards than anything to do with her looks. Ignorance is bliss.

What I Learned Yesterday: Tim Tebow is Really, REALLY Excited to be a Jet

Jesus H Tebow. You'd think the reporters asked something like, "Tim, We hear You're Excited to be a Jet, Can You Expound On That a Bit?" And off he went.

Is there something about being a hardcore member of the God-squad that makes you this delusional? Bro, what are you excited about? You're a back up quarterback who just completed less than 50% of your passes last season. You're being brought into run the wildcat and goal line packages after insisting you're starting quarterback. Your new head coach and his wife are into filming kinky shit involving her feet, which, while I don't think there's anything in the Bible about foot fornication, I'd imagine its frowned upon.

Your new team just straight up fell apart last year, and at the end, just about every member of the team was taking "anonymous" shots at the very mediocre quarterback you've been brought in to backup. Now I know you think that's a good thing, you think that gives you a chance to start at some point in the future, and maybe it does...But do you really want it? Do you really want to start for a team that would sell out its leader so quickly? I mean, Santonio Holmes out Judas'd Judas, last year. Sold Mark Sanchez straight down the river. Judas got a few sheckels for his betrayal, Holmes got some media airtime. And that's without even mentioning the media...Sure they love you now, but once they figure out you're not really The Messiah, they're going to turn on you. You don't gotta walk on water and whatnot, but you're definitely going to need a 100% goal line conversion rate to impress these people.

I just don't get it, I just don't get it. As a Pats fan I still love it, and as a fan of the absurd I honestly can't wait, but it still leaves me scratching my head. You can't be this positive dude. You can't honestly think this is a good situation you're walking into.

Colorado Easter Egg Hunt Cancelled Due to Aggressive Parents

COLORADO SPRINGS – The children of one Colorado town will miss out on their annual Easter Egg hunt in a local park this year after the event was cancelled due to parents getting "too aggressive" at last year's event. "It's sort of got out of hand," said Dave Van Ness, executive director for the Old Colorado City Associates. Hundreds of parents reportedly jumped over ropes into a kids-only section of the hunt to ensure their kids got as many eggs as possible. Their actions caused the hunt to be over in seconds, to the dismay of egg-less children and their parents.

First off, lets just pump the breaks on call this even a "hunt." A hunt implies tracking and searching, those eggs were just laid out in the middle of the lawn, if your kids aren't able to track down a few fluorescent and pastel colored eggs in the middle of a taped off lawn, then you've probably got bigger things to worry about.

Secondly, quitting is not the answer here. The answer is adult aged easter egg hunts, Hunger Games Style.

Look, this issue isn't going to go away. As more and more people from my generation have kids, its only going to get worse. We're the first batch of children raised by "helicopter parents." We're hardwired to believe we're entitled to anything we want. It's encoded in our DNA, just like the lion knows to tackle the gazelle, you toss out some easter eggs onto a lawn, Generation Y adults are going to race to gather them. It's genetics.

There's no fighting it. I'm the oldest of three children, meaning Easter egg hunts went on long after the idea of some minimum wage worker in a gigantic bunny costume breaking into my house at night and hiding plastic eggs full of nickels and quarters without robbing us was believable. Did that mean I let my younger siblings win? Hell no. I raced around the house like a mad man...I pushed them out of the way when I had to, sometimes my parents restrained me, which infuriated me to no end. Bottom line, you tell me there's an egg hidden in the house, I'm going to be the one to find it, god help whoever gets in my way. 

Which brings me back to my proposal...Why not just start having adult Easter egg hunts on town lawns and playgrounds? Just a once a year break for us adults trying to move on to regular adulthood, but who also need an escape once a year. Just lock us into some school yard, hide a ton of eggs, no ground rules, gates open at sundown, whoever survives, survives (and I don't doubt for a second that there would be some casualties).

Most Racially Spot On Children's Toys, Ever?

Wow...Talk about hitting the nail on the head. You've got Grandma and Grandpa wearing perfect replicas of that old white person style, a little bit of leisure, comfort, and sensibility all rolled into a singular outfit.  I have no idea where you'd even go to put together your typical grandparent outfit, I'm guessing its something the AARP notifies you of once you hit a certain age.

Mom and Dad just doing their thing in their slightly authority-like clothes (though mom should probably be in mom jeans, kind of an oversight).

And the children, stereo-typical white kid prepsters. The overachieving daughter with her form fitting sweater and her headband that gives her a slight air of "stuckuppedness," the son who dresses like Seth Cohen due to way to many hours of prime time TV watching in which every teenager is dressed like they're in the middle of a Sears Catalog fashion shoot, and the two babies, apparently wearing bed time gear...Because even when playing make believe, you just want your kids to shut up and go to bed I guess.

And it doesn't just end with "White Family," either. Block Play People are nothing if not in favor of the old Separate but Equal laws of the old south...Just look:

My only puzzlement is the native American Family...Because if my white guilt laden middle school social studies classes taught me anything its that Native Americans don't exist anymore.