The Story that I am Glad Was NOT a Story: “Running up the Score”

Hey Coach, maybe if you spent more time teaching your team defense instead of flipping the bird, you wouldnt be getting your ass kicked.

Last Sunday, America was present for a public massacre: a completely defenseless party was at the mercy of their oppressors, and was forcibly beaten like a red headed step child for 3 consecutive hours until the last breath of life escaped them. I, of course, refer to the snooze fest blow out that was the NFL “Game of the Week” with the Colts playing the Saints in the Superdome. The Saints, with their explosive offensive firepower, and the Colts with….well their incredible level of ineptitude as well as a quarterback who creepily looks like Kurt Cobain, was a combination for a 62-7 final score. The score doesn’t even really do justice to how badly the Colts got their ass kicked. The Saints ended up with 557 net yards, 305 more than their hapless opponents. The Saints punted the ball ONCE the entire game. The sorry excuse of a team called the Colts had a time of possession almost HALF of what the Saints did. So yeah, in every respect this was a complete and utter ass kicking.

However, the point I am trying to bring to light is that not a single member of the media even muttered a whisper of “lack of sportsmanship” or criticize the Saints for running up the score. For once, I am absolutely overjoyed that nobody (or at least a large majority of journalists) did not even give this angle of a story a sideways glance. As a Patriots fan, it drove me absolutely crazy in 2007-2008 for all the jealous little shits and sanctimonious football gurus to shove their arbitrary notions of “sportsmanship” down our throats when the Pats were mercilessly tearing through opposing defenses like Rob Gronkowski tears through porn stars. The nerdy corpse some call John Clayton emphatically stated that the Patriots kicked Hall of Fame Coach Joe Gibbs “when he was down” by crushing his Redskins 52-7. Forget the fact that the pass/running play ratio was almost identical for the Patriots in that game, no, they were being assholes by continuing to play and do their job until the 60 minutes was up.

My opinion at the time (and as it still stands today) is that there is no such thing as “running up the score” in professional/Division 1 collegiate sports (which is essentially pro sports these days anyways with the number of scandals and level of competitive nature, only difference is these kids don’t make millions to play their respective game.) You should not have to be reviled, decried, criticized, and demonized because you happen to be much better at what you do than your opponent is. Just because you take a big lead (like the Saints 2011/Patriots 2007) does not mean you have to fold it in and just half ass the rest of the way because you are scared you’ll hurt someone’s feelings. If you want to go out and sling the ball for a second half because you want to work on “in game” repetitions, do it. If you want to stomp on your opponent’s ego and crush it into a fine powder by winning by 40+, power to you. Not many teams can perform at that high a level very often. Imagine if competitive businesses were going head to head, and the 2^nd place entity filed a complaint with the SEC about the other company “running up the score” (making more money, having a bigger market share, whatever) They would get laughed out the building faster than it takes Daniel Tosh to do something flamboyantly homosexual.

Look, I get the notion of sportsmanship and when it is appropriate, like in youth sports and handling yourself like a professional before and after competitive events (*cough JIM SCHWARTZ cough*). But when you take the court, field, or rink in a professional setting, you damn well better make sure you come to play, because if you’re looking for any sympathy when/if you are getting your ass kicked all over the play, you won’t find any from me. All you will get is a smirk and a comment to the effect of, “You don’t want the score run up on you? Play better.”

Denise Richards Regrets Her Breast Implants Because of Daughter, I Regret her having a Daughter

Denise Richards wishes she hadn't had breast implants to go from flat to a D-cup as a teenager. In her latest iVillage essay, she worries that she's sending a bad message to her three daughters about beauty and confidence. "I'm in a business where looks and weight do matter," she writes. "My girls see me at work or getting ready for photo shoots and I'm sure at times it can be a confusing message to them when I'm being primped, dressed and fussed over." In the essay, Richards says having daughters has made her regretful of her breast implants. "At 19 when I first got my breasts done, I wish that I was confident enough with my body to not have had surgery," she writes. "That is something that I really want to encourage in my daughters, to embrace their healthy body and have confidence."

Oh, Denise, Denise, Denise, of all my regrets, you having a child ranks pretty highly up there...Don't get me wrong, I'm sure your kids are great, mommy's little angels, blah, blah, blah... It's just that you were it for me growing up...You know what I'm talking about.

1998, Wild Things, I'm shivering just thinking about it now...I dropped whatever I was doing countless times whenever I saw Wild Things was on one of the HBO's, just pure sex appeal,  you might have single handedly been responsible for my voice changing over from awkwardly high pitched boy to teenage man-boy. I mean, screw Britney, you introduced me to the sexy school girl outfit, and you dominated that it.

So you can understand why it pains me to hear you lamenting those god given gifts of yours (so what if they're not natural, god still gave us the resources). Embrace those gifts Denise, know that you ushered an entire legion of boys into manhood when you went all scissor fest with Neve Campbell. Those things made you an absolute legend and in no way should you be lamenting them.

Ohio University Protesting Halloween Costumes Mocking Foreign Cultures...Bunch of Nancy's

(CNN) -- Thinking about donning a kimono to dress like a geisha for Halloween, or a Mexican mariachi suit? Students from Ohio University have a message for you: "We're a culture, not a costume." With ethnic and racial stereotypes becoming increasingly popular Halloween costume themes, members of the school's Students Teaching About Racism in Society are launching a campaign to make revelers think twice before reducing a culture to a caricature, the group's president said.

Ohio University? Like the number one party school in the country? Wow, that ranking was horseshit, huh? Because I'm almost positive a big time party school would not have a problem with a kid dressing up as a cartoon like mexican wearing a drug rug and riding a mule. It's funny. It means no harm, it carries no previous racist undertones (where as black face does and I agree anyone who goes black face is kind of a dick), just an amusing stereotypical caricature. 

Go ahead, dress as a white trash person, dress as a doofus hipster, dress like George W. Bush, we couldn't care less, honestly.  Dress as a bucktooth hick from Maine with a fake shot gun and rack attached to a bicycle, carrying around a fake dead rabbit that you're presumably going to eat for dinner, and talking about bonking his cousin all night, I'll laugh my ass off. Seriously, I will. 

And what's with protesting dressing like a Geisha? Geisha's are basically wearing costumes themselves. Loads of powdery make up, that funny hair bun, an over the top kimono, they're playing dress up themselves!

It's Halloween guys, I find it hard to find the racist undertones to anyone wearing a costume in the theme of a foreign culture. Simple solution? Don't go to the Halloween party if you feel offended...If there are enough like minded people like you, the party will suck, it'll just be a Mexican and his Burro, a Geisha girl, Chief Wapanoo, and an Arab (ok, maybe the arab with the TNT is a bit over the line, but that's just one prick in the crowd, I'm sure he got over the line comments all night long)...Which makes a good lead for several jokes, but for a party sucks, I mean, how would they even communicate.

Huge News for Senior Citizens Everywhere, You Can Now Fight Herpes and Alzheimers All At Once

Probably no one benefiting more from this news than Hef

Fox News - Antiviral drugs used to combat herpes virus infections could slow the progression of Alzheimer's disease, a new study suggests. The herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV1), which causes most cold sores, has previously been tied to the development of Alzheimer's disease. In the study, cells infected with HSV1 showed a buildup of the proteins known to damage the brains of people with Alzheimer's. Treating the cells with the antiviral drug acyclovir significantly reduced the accumulation of these proteins.

 I have to imagine that for an old, senile, STD ridden person, this is just about the happiest news you can get, maybe the happiest news in decades.

Nursing homes are just going to turn into straight up brothels for the elderly, just octonagarians as far as the eyes can see swapping fluids carelessly, getting their fuck on, and then sharing stories with their bros and girlfriends because for the first time in years they'll be able to remember their hookup and tell the story to their friends. 

A true golden age for the golden gals.

MBTA, Unable To Properly Run A Business, Looking to Further Tax Drivers and Local Businesses...Real Nice.

BOSTON (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - A new proposal is calling for a regional payroll tax and a tax on miles motorists drive to help pay for the MBTA. The MassINC report finds the MBTA's current reliance on the state sales and gas taxes are just not enough to keep the aging system going. State and local transportation leaders are meeting Wednesday to discuss the T's troubled finances. "This uneven balance has eroded support for regional investment at a time when these areas need it the most," said Benjamin Forman, MassINC Research Director. "Investment patterns around the country show that regions are advancing public transportation infrastructure projects as catalysts for private development and overall economic growth, yet in Massachusetts those much-needed investments are being stalled or abandoned because their revenue foundation is not working as it should," he said.

Interesting, interesting. Decent proposal, but have you considered, NO WAY IN FUCKING HELL! 

Are you guys freaking kidding me? So instead of cutting expense and raising the rates for the actual users of the MTBA, you'd rather further subsidize your system by taxing everyone else? No way, nah-uh. Do the 99% know about this? Because this is the shit they should be protesting...I may have to get down there tomorrow and start my own fringe movement if they're not on top of this.

As a driver I paid sales tax on my auto and continue to pay gas tax every time I fill up to help support this poorly run system that I hardly ever use. I refuse to pay more...I also pay tolls and a yearly excise tax for the priveledge of using the state's infrastructure, roads, bridges, tunnels, etc...Maybe a yearly ridership tax on the T? Maybe charge all riders, even the ones who hop on the bus or get on the Green Line at one of the above ground stops.

And on top of that, payroll taxes on businesses? When the rest of the country is clammoring for a reduction in payroll taxes? Again, are you freaking kidding me? Unemployment is at an all time high, businesses just flat out aren't hiring, and your solution is to penalize them further for putting someone to work? Talk about out of touch. That's perhaps the worst bureaucratic idea I've heard this year. The worst

Or maybe, just maybe, you get the government hackery under control, stop the appointment of any new directors or board members as a "thanks" from friends in political office and undertake the process of trimming the fat via bloated pensions. 

If you can't figure out how to run this efficiently as a business by providing a service and charging your customers an appropriate amount for that service, then you don't deserve to be running the system. Plain and simple. Sell the MBTA. Let some private company come in here, cut waste, increase efficiency (for instance when a driver is caught red handed under performing on the job or blatantly putting the lives of its riders in danger, a private company would fire that employee, not spend months debating the merits of their employment). If all else fails, sell it. Let it be a private system. Sell it for .50 cents on the dollar and be done with it. Because I do not want to support this incredibly poorly run, failing system a day longer. Just cut the shit

Is This Crafting at Work Woman the Worst Employee Ever?

Wow, just wow. Safe to say this woman and I kill time at our cubicle jobs in completely different fashions...And I thought I was a dickhead co-worker, finding topics and tweeting my blog all day, turns out I'm a model employee. This woman easy had more craft material than work material in her cube.

So many questions. Why? Where is this office, and are they hiring? At what age did your affinity for crafting poor representations of dogs come to the surface? Have you ever been featured on one of those weird-o TLC shows? On average how many times a week do your interoffice craft-mails get sent back to you with a pissed off note?

Always boggles my mind that I'm so stressed and secretive about my slackings at work, making sure I get all my shit done, not really letting anyone in on my little side world, then you've got people who just may be certifiably insane slacking all the live long day and no one says anything to them, presumably because they're afraid they'll have a nervous break down.  

Like this one woman at my work, somehow fell into this cushy part time position, yet still spends 90% of the time on the phone with friends and family or traipsing around the building just chatting it up about anything from her kids latest sniffly nose to her and her girlfriends wildly inappropriate nights out. 

I just wish I could care that little about how I'm perceived. I really do. Ignorance really is bliss I guess.

Another Office Bathroom Blog...Obviously My Favorite Topic, and Biggest Pet Peeve

If you know anything about me or the history of this blog, you already know this has been hanging in my office's bathroom since 10 AM this morning...It says everything I've ever wanted to say. 

By the way, scumbag is the only way to properly describe someone that pees on the floor in front of the stall...What the fuck is going on there? At least once a week I walk into a stall to either actually take a shit, or just take a break and catch up on twitter and there's just piss sitting on the floor right in front of the toilet. Ruins my day. Obviously can't use that stall, your pants would just be sitting in piss. 

How does this even happen, are people sitting there taking a shit and peeing hands free? Did the piss just sneak up on them, like their dicks are numb and don't realize when urine is about to spill out? Boggles my mind. All I know is that if I'm ever in a stall and I notice this happening in the stall next to me, I'll wrap up my business as quickly as I can and just wait outside that stall to ridicule that person. What are they going to do, report me? "He vilified me after I pissed on the floor in the bathroom." Yea, I'm sure that'll fly in HR.

Shopping For Work Clothes is the Worst

Dressing Business Casual Sucks

Finally got to the point yesterday where I had to break down and buy a new rotation of work clothes, which is officially my nightmare. See, I'm not like a normal person who'll pick up a pair of pants or a shirt or two every once and again, I'm a bulk shopper, I go like once every 6-9 months, buy like 5 new shirts and a few pairs of pants (you can always have less pants than shirts, for whatever reason pants never seem to get dirty, yea you've got to wash them once in a while to get the stale Balls/Taint smell out, but they'll never get dirty).  Yesterday was that day for me, after going on an unprecedented streak of tearing holes through the elbows of 4 work shirts in a two week span, my options were finally getting limited, I spent yesterday morning trying on shirts from like 3 years ago (which only painfully highlighted the fact that my steady routine of overeating, drinking on the weekends, and my affinity for the couch, have in fact, left me out of shape. Odd, right?).

Bottom line, I went and blew two nights worth of bar tabs on clothes yesterday than I'll never wear outside of Monday-Friday during office hours. Never. That's the worst part of work clothes shopping, these are clothes I'd never be caught dead in outside of work.  If this blogging from home thing ever works out that'll easily be the biggest benefit, the money I save on work clothes alone would probably pay for private health insurance, just blogging in my boxers, maybe a robe, and that's it. Lunch time comes I could order in or throw on a pair of sweats or athletic shorts and pick up a McRib. That's the dream (shut up, I'm not making fun of your dream, leave mine alone, if I fantasize about wearing sweat pants and eating McRibs all day long, so be it). 

Basically my ideal wardrobe would be a few pairs of jeans, some t-shirts (nondescript, no hipster shit, no sparkles), some shorts, ample amount of sweat pants and athletic gear, and a couple of casual going out shirts (button down, maybe a stripe or checkered pattern, definitely no skulls, wings, naked girl silhouettes, or anything else anyone ever has called douchey).  Finally breaking free of the bonds of societal norms and getting rid of these slacks and overly dressy button down shirts that have no place outside the dog and pony show that is the office. That's my goal.

Strippers Making $2k a Night, Burger Flippers Making $15 an Hour, Do the Occupiers Know about North Dakota?

WILLISTON, N.D. (CNNMoney) -- Forget Vegas. Strippers are discovering they can make ten times as much dancing in the oil boomtown of Williston, N.D. Thousands of men have come here seeking high-paying jobs working for the oil companies. And, at the end of the day (or four or five days when they're working on a rig), many of them are looking for some female companionship at one of the town's two strip club's, Whispers or Heartbreakers. Word has gotten out about just how much money can be made dancing in Williston's strip clubs. The money is phenomenal, but the competition is stiff. Whispers has received applications from exotic dancers in Hawaii, Alaska, even the Czech Republic and Germany, said Melissa Slapnicka, the co-owner of the club. She's been bombarded with so many applications that she only gives each dancer a week to try out. If they don't work out, they don't come back, she said. At first, the nightly tips were nothing special, but over the past year -- thanks to the thousands of men who have flocked here and landed high-paying jobs -- she has been making $2,000 to $3,000 a night, about the same amount she would have earned in an entire week in Vegas.

I mean, do I need to move out to North Dakota? I've been reading about this place for a couple of weeks now and every story is more incredible than the last...Manual laborers raking $100k plus, burger flippers making $15 an hour, people buying trailer homes, towing them out there, and then renting them out for 1500-2k a month, and now strippers just rolling in more cash than they can make in Vegas or selling themselves in the sex trade in the Czech Republic.  North Dakota is officially the bizarro world.

It's to the point where I'm wondering if its worth it to take out a loan, buy two trailers, move there and rent one out and just blog from the other one. Has to be more profitable than what I'm doing now, no?

And has anyone told the Occupiers about this? That decent paying jobs are available if they're not to stubborn to put down their picket sign and move out of their comfort zone? I know, I know, that overpriced Liberal Arts degree you got at BC wasn't supposed to lead to a life of manual labor, stripping, or burger flipping, but where else are you going to make that kinda money?

Oh, whats that? You'd rather camp out in a tent and wait for someone to just make up a job you're qualified for that's closer to home and more suited to your interests? My bad, carry on.