I Legit Can't Tell How Old This Rangers Fan Who Caught Hamilton's HR Is

 

This guy is anywhere between the most feared 12 year old little league'r in the state of Texas and a divorced 34 year old father of 4 boys who owns his own Hunt & Tackle Shop.  It's 50/50, could go either way.

The outfit of a 12-14 year old, brought a glove to the game like an 8 year old, rocking dance moves from the late 80's-early 90's...oh and he appears to have a bushy 'stache. I've stayed up watching highlights of this Hamilton home run like the Zapruder film trying to nail this kid/guy down. (here' the link if the video disappears)

Update: New Video has surfaced with an interview...turns out he's probably more like 17-18, still guessing he has at least 2 of those kids, and maybe the hunt shop...also no mustache? I'm completely confused on that one.

Alleged Mega Millions Winner Mirlande Wilson Says She Lost Her Ticket

NY Post - The Maryland Mega-nut who insists she won a record Mega Millions jackpot now says she’s lost the winning ticket — but isn’t breaking a sweat looking for it. “I have no idea where it is. I’m not sure I have it,” Mirlande Wilson told The Post in her latest tortured explanation of the mystery ticket’s fate. The world’s most famous McDonald’s employee incredibly claimed she hadn’t even checked the uniform she was wearing the night she bought it. “I’m still looking for it. I haven’t even looked in my uniform pants yet,” the flaky single mom of seven admitted. “I’m still looking everywhere to find it, in my purse, everywhere.”

Bitch done lost her ticket. I kinda feel really bad, that's just an absolutely devestating loss...She seemed like a real straight shooter too, no real reason to doubt her. It's not like she only claimed she thought she won, or that "some of the numbers were familiar," and that she "recognized some of them." No one could make that up...You think just anyone can recognize the number 23? Or that she could just pull that kinda story out of her Sweet Swine hat? Hell no.

If there's any consolation here it's that I'm sure her community and McDonalds co-workers will rally behind her. I mean, if anyone knows what it feels like to think they've won the lottery only to find out they don't actually have the winning ticket, it's them. They thought for sure they were getting a split of the prize when Mirlande won, only to find out that the completely hypothetical and familiar sounding ticket that she won on, she'd bought separately. 

On another note, what happens now? Does that money get thrown back in the drawing, because that would be fantastic. I'd love another week of hooplah and blog material because I'm really running low this morning.

Warren Sapp Files for Bankruptcy...Lets Take A Look at His "Assets"

TMZ - Future NFL Hall-of-Famer Warren Sapp has filed for bankruptcy ... claiming he's racked up millions of dollars in debts ... but worst of all, dude claims he LOST his 2002 Super Bowl ring...According to the docs, Sapp owes more than $6.7 million to various creditors ... including hundreds of thousands of dollars in child support payments and alimony to at least 4 different baby mamas. Among the debts, Sapp says he owes $853k to the IRS for 2006 and another $89k for 2010. Sapp says he also owes $2,858 in medical bills for "Corrective Speech and Language Therapy." Sapp says he only has $6.45 million to his name ... and lists all of his assets in the documents ... which include:

-- 240 pairs of Jordan sneakers and sandals

-- Large Nude women painting

-- Lion skin rug (female - lioness)

-- Nike golf clubs

-- De Grisogono watch (scratch on crystal, nicks and scratches on band)

-- A boxing glove signed by Muhammad Ali

But most interestingly, Sapp notes he has LOST two of his most treasured and valuable possessions -- the 2002 Super Bowl ring he won with the Tampa Bay Bucs (example below) and the National Championship ring he won with the Miami Hurricanes... In the docs, Sapp also lists his current salary as an analyst for the NFL Network as $45k per month ... $540k per year. Sapp says his deal with the NFL Network expires in August and he's not sure if the network will extend his deal.

And that folks, is how you go broke making $540k per year, after making millions during a 13 year NFL career. I mean, are you kidding me Warren? Sell some of those goddamn Jordans and you're probably back in the black. Sell the large nude women painting...what the fuck do you even need that for, you have high speed internet, right? Stream that shit online for free. 

Plus, I didn't even think you could claim bankruptcy like that...openly admitting you have $6.45 million to your name...that's only 250k less than you owe! That's 6 months work for you! Hell, show up at some Nike high school football camp and you can probably clear your debt by Christmas. That's what I never get about these guys...they can keep going on making appearances and rolling in more bank than I make in a year, and yet...they're IDIOTS. Like, here I am thinking Sapp did things right, got a job after his playing career ended instead of spending his days making it rain in "da club," only to find out the dude is one of those assholes trampling people at the mall every time a new pair of Jordans is released.  It's almost enough to make you give up hope about all athletes.

PS: What the hell did he need speech therapy for? For his tv gigs? I thought former athletes were just on air to give a show some credibility, move their hands wildly, and cackle at their friends jokes...it's not like they have to give coherent opinions or anything.

Double PS: Jordan must get a huge grin on his face everytime he reads one these stories, right? Grown men, famous athletes, losing everything in pursuit of his shoes...meanwhile Mike probably just rocks a comfy pair of boat shoes around the house, winning the game of life like no one else before.

Red Sox 0-3, Time for a Sox Fans Pulse Check...

DETROIT - Bring back Terry Francona? Why not bring back Joe Kerrigan, Butch Hobson, Dave Lewis, and Pete Carroll while we’re at it? Did Bobby Valentine have any idea what he was getting himself into? After an Opening Day of excruciating pain, followed by a 10-0 Game 2 blowout, the Red Sox Sunday bookended their Lost Weekend in Motown with a defeat as hideous as any of those we lived through in 2011. They wasted 12 runs and 18 hits. They wasted four spectacular innings of relief by Vicente Padilla. They wasted the emotional rescue of Bobby V’s counterculture lineup. They blew a three-run lead in the bottom of the ninth and a two-run lead in the bottom of the 11th. They lost, 13-12, when Alex Avila smashed a walkoff blast on a 2-and-2 pitch from Mark “Schiraldi Eyes’’ Melancon. It was as bad as it gets...

THE SKY IS FALLING...and here comes the "they should have signed Papelbon comment in 3, 2, 1,...

Three games into the season, it’s clear the Red Sox have no closer. Jonathan Papelbon is with the Phillies, Andrew Bailey is on the disabled list for four months. Aceves (five batters, all have reached including Miguel Cabrera with a three-run bomb Sunday) is making Johnny “Way Back’’ Wasdin look like Dick Radatz. And poor Melancon (two games, two losses) has the look of a kid who might have trouble recovering. Melancon faced all the tough questions after surrendering the walkoff blast on a hanging curve. He said he’ll have trouble sleeping. It was hard not to feel sorry for him.

Sox management is another story. Allegedly committed to redemption after the greatest choke in baseball history, the Sox have started this season with what looks like a grossly subpar pitching staff. They have the third-highest payroll in baseball and they have no closer, a raft of suspect middle men, and two of their front three starters spit the bit in Detroit.

There we go, thanks for coming out Shaughnessey. Don't overreact to 3 games or anything. It's not like last years team went 2-10 before rattling off the best June, July, and August in baseball. And before anyone confuses me with a rose glasses colored homer, trust me I'm not. I'm as reactionary as the rest of you, when it's time for that. But right now is not that time. The Sox just got swept by the Detroit Tigers, as in the same team that just played in the ALCS last year...they're pretty good. Their offense has the single best 1-2 punch since the Manny-Ortiz heyday (maybe better, to be honest) and their pitching staff, if not great, is a little better than ours.

Still, the Sox lost two games by a combined 2 runs, both in extra innings (yes they were blown out in game two, thank you Josh Beckett). Two runs people. If they give up 1 less run in the first nine yesterday they're 1-2 and today's columns are talking about how they've turned it around...but they didn't. They got off to a horrible start, caught up, and then gave a few runs back to what will probably be the best offense in baseball. Oh well.  

Am I concerned? Obviously. But I'm more concerned with the fact that Beckett and Buchholz, two guys we really need something like 400 ip out of this year, are not performing no better than I would if you tossed me out for BP. If you ask me that's a far bigger concern than who's going to pitch the last inning of close victories...because I'd wager that number of innings is going to come in a lot smaller than the 400 ip number I'm looking at for our alleged 2nd and 3rd starters. 

But that's why I'm thankful for Shankessey. No matter how worried I get about the Sox, I always know I can go read one of his columns and immediately play the role of devils advocate, because he's always going to be a more insufferable and miserable prick than I am, always.

PS: All that said, I'm right there with the rest of you nutjobs, this next game is an absolute must win for the sox season. The sox go 0-4 and I'm calling into the sports radio shows calling for heads. There's only so much patience a man's got.

The Alleged McDonalds Mega Millions Winner Is Even More Brilliant Than I thought Yesterday

Fox News - The Maryland Mega Millions mystery only got more confusing after a woman who claimed to be one of three winners of a record prize appeared with her lawyer -- and without the ticket. "I have not seen the ticket, nor do I want to see the ticket," said attorney Edward Smith, as Marlinde Wilson, who was an hour late for the news conference, stood behind him. She did not speak...Wilson, 37, earlier told the New York Post the winning ticket was stashed somewhere in the McDonald's restaurant where she works. “I left my ticket there, and it’s somewhere safe that only I know about,” she told the newspaper through a Creole-speaking translator.

So yesterday I thought that Mirlande Wilson had reached the mountain top of Fuck You I Quit Pranks, turns out she was only getting warmed up. Lets take a look at that bolded section again:

“Wilson, 37, earlier told the New York Post the winning ticket was stashed somewhere in the McDonald's restaurant where she works. I left my ticket there, and it’s somewhere safe that only I know about,” she told the newspaper through a Creole-speaking translator.

WOW! She just keeps getting better, keeps digging deeper into her bag of tricks. Not only do her McNugget Frying co-workers not know if they're millionaires or welfare recipients, they've also probably spent the last 48 hours on a WILD scavenger hunt, draining grease traps, scouring air ducts, probably cleaning behind the toilet for the first time of years, just rummaging through years of piss spackle. All for a ticket that is most definitely NOT hidden in a McDonalds.  Unless there's a trap door in the bottom of the ball pit that ticket is no where near that McD's, that's a fact, but if you're her co-workers, what choice do you have? These guys are probably pulling 24 hour shifts, working through the night just tearing that place apart. Diabolical. Absolutely Diabolical. 

PS: I may not have won the lottery, but I did win a free weeks worth of blog material, so I guess there's that.

Woman Protesting Augusta for Being Men's Only, Meanwhile I still Can't Join Curves Gym

There's probably a public course right down the street, no?

(CNN) -- The chairman of the club that hosts America's most prestigious golf tournament skirted the prickly issue of women's membership Wednesday, saying it is a private matter. During his annual media session, Billy Payne, chairman of Augusta National Golf Club, did not comment specifically on Ginni Rometty, the top executive at IBM and, undoubtedly, one of the corporate world's most powerful women. IBM's sponsorship of the Masters tournament guarantees club membership for its officers, but Rometty is a woman, and the club does not allow women to join.

UGHHH...this again, really? Look it's simple. You let me or any other normal guy, join Curves and Oprahs Book club, and we'll let you join August National, deal?

If it makes you feel better, I'm a dude, and there's no way in hell they're gonna let me join anytime soon. Does that mean they're discriminating against me and every other middle class citizen? Would you say Augusta is waging class warfare? Of course not. And they're not waging gender warfare either. It's a mens club, plain and simple. The fact that it happens to also be the pinnacle of golf is not the issue here, you're just picking a fight for the sake of picking a fight, and its completely bologna. You girls realize you could go build your own course and make it woman's only, right?

I know it sucks ladies, men built the ultimate golf course and decided to exclude you, like a grown man version of the Little Rascals "He-Man Woman haters Club." You feel left out, and worse yet, you realize that women could never build an equally impressive golf temple. I get it.  But lets cut all the crap about "discriminatory policies." It's no more discriminatory than any other woman's only thing, which are fairly common.

Rex Ryan, Tim Tebow, and The Jets Wishing You a Happy Annointing of the Feet

My MS Paint Skills are on Point

I don't remember much from CCD, but I do remember that yesterday was Anointing of the Feet day and in church speak that means getting your feet worshiped by complete strangers...In other words, its the Ryan/Tebow Era Jets' favorite holiday...Happy Annointing of the Feet everyone.

What Did Randy Jackson Wear?

DON'T CALL IT A COME BACK!  I honestly thought the "Randy Jackson Wore What" series was dead last week. Just didn't even bother with it after Randy threw back to back nights of black leather coats with black shirts at me...had the season of the Plural Tone been cut down far before it's prime?

Answer: A Resounding NO. Not only did Randy come out looking like a loaf of Wonder Bread, he gave us this bonus shot of young(er) Randy doing his thing all the way back in the 80's! It's an Easter Miracle. My spirits are revived and I'm feeling more confident than ever that we can take this thing all the way down to the final two. 

God Bless You, Randy Jackson's stylist.

City Officials and The Teachers Union Miss Federal Grant Deadline, Cost Boston ~$10 Million

Boston schools miss deadline for $9.4 million grant: MyFoxBOSTON.com

BOSTON (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - A contract dispute has reportedly cost Boston schools millions of dollars in federal funds. The Boston Globe says the city has missed a deadline to apply for a federal grant worth $9.4 million. It was unable to apply for the money because administrators could not reach an agreement with the Boston Teachers Union.

So when the students of Boston ask for extensions on papers or forget to pass in homework this year, I assume all will be forgotten? Because that's relatively  small potatoes compared to leaving $9.4 Million on the table, no?

"Hey Timmy, do you have this weeks assignment?

"Nope, couldn't come to an agreement between myself and HBO onDemand to carve out some time to get it done, you figure out how to recoup that $10 million so my parents don't have to pay higher taxes and our sports team budgets aren't cut?"

"Touche, carry on."

I'm not quite sure how any educator can look a student in the eye this year and lecture them on the merits of accountability and meeting deadlines with this gigantic elephant in the room.  I'm also not sure how city officials can be focused on anything but this deal until its done...Your dilydallying just cost the city $10 million, you basically don't deserve a job at this point because you're certainly not serving the residents of the city. I'd have a field day if I was in the Boston Public School system this year. An absolute field day.