RIP Mirlande Wilson: The Maryland Lottery Mystery is Over

Fox News - Three Maryland public school system employees won a share of the record Mega Millions $656 jackpot, lottery officials announced Tuesday, ending a mystery that involved a McDonald's employee who claimed she had the golden ticket. The winners -- a woman in her 20s, another in her 50s and a man in his 40s who refer to themselves as "The Three Amigos" -- have decided to take the lump sum winnings and plan to purchase new homes. All three have indicated they intend to remain employees within Maryland's public school system. One employee is an elementary school teacher, another is a special education instructor and the third works in an administrative role, Martino said.

And thus ends the crazy Mirlande Wilson Mega Millions Side Show. At least she's got that job to fall back on at McD's though, right? Oh wait...all her co-workers hate her because A) They thought she was robbing them of millions, and B) The millions they thought they were being robbed of never even existed.  Ehh, that's nothing a couple of after work Mcflurrys can't smooth over. 

As for these Three Amigos, I'd like to personally thank you for holding out on coming forward for a few weeks. Allowing Mirlande Wilson to run her full circle of crazy game me the most material since Moammar Ghadafi was still saying crazy things...

One word of advice, quit teaching. If you feel the need to continue working despite your overwhelming wealth you should at least go back to school and learn a decent and profitable trade.

Alleged Mega Millions Winner Mirlande Wilson Says She Lost Her Ticket

NY Post - The Maryland Mega-nut who insists she won a record Mega Millions jackpot now says she’s lost the winning ticket — but isn’t breaking a sweat looking for it. “I have no idea where it is. I’m not sure I have it,” Mirlande Wilson told The Post in her latest tortured explanation of the mystery ticket’s fate. The world’s most famous McDonald’s employee incredibly claimed she hadn’t even checked the uniform she was wearing the night she bought it. “I’m still looking for it. I haven’t even looked in my uniform pants yet,” the flaky single mom of seven admitted. “I’m still looking everywhere to find it, in my purse, everywhere.”

Bitch done lost her ticket. I kinda feel really bad, that's just an absolutely devestating loss...She seemed like a real straight shooter too, no real reason to doubt her. It's not like she only claimed she thought she won, or that "some of the numbers were familiar," and that she "recognized some of them." No one could make that up...You think just anyone can recognize the number 23? Or that she could just pull that kinda story out of her Sweet Swine hat? Hell no.

If there's any consolation here it's that I'm sure her community and McDonalds co-workers will rally behind her. I mean, if anyone knows what it feels like to think they've won the lottery only to find out they don't actually have the winning ticket, it's them. They thought for sure they were getting a split of the prize when Mirlande won, only to find out that the completely hypothetical and familiar sounding ticket that she won on, she'd bought separately. 

On another note, what happens now? Does that money get thrown back in the drawing, because that would be fantastic. I'd love another week of hooplah and blog material because I'm really running low this morning.

The Alleged McDonalds Mega Millions Winner Is Even More Brilliant Than I thought Yesterday

Fox News - The Maryland Mega Millions mystery only got more confusing after a woman who claimed to be one of three winners of a record prize appeared with her lawyer -- and without the ticket. "I have not seen the ticket, nor do I want to see the ticket," said attorney Edward Smith, as Marlinde Wilson, who was an hour late for the news conference, stood behind him. She did not speak...Wilson, 37, earlier told the New York Post the winning ticket was stashed somewhere in the McDonald's restaurant where she works. “I left my ticket there, and it’s somewhere safe that only I know about,” she told the newspaper through a Creole-speaking translator.

So yesterday I thought that Mirlande Wilson had reached the mountain top of Fuck You I Quit Pranks, turns out she was only getting warmed up. Lets take a look at that bolded section again:

“Wilson, 37, earlier told the New York Post the winning ticket was stashed somewhere in the McDonald's restaurant where she works. I left my ticket there, and it’s somewhere safe that only I know about,” she told the newspaper through a Creole-speaking translator.

WOW! She just keeps getting better, keeps digging deeper into her bag of tricks. Not only do her McNugget Frying co-workers not know if they're millionaires or welfare recipients, they've also probably spent the last 48 hours on a WILD scavenger hunt, draining grease traps, scouring air ducts, probably cleaning behind the toilet for the first time of years, just rummaging through years of piss spackle. All for a ticket that is most definitely NOT hidden in a McDonalds.  Unless there's a trap door in the bottom of the ball pit that ticket is no where near that McD's, that's a fact, but if you're her co-workers, what choice do you have? These guys are probably pulling 24 hour shifts, working through the night just tearing that place apart. Diabolical. Absolutely Diabolical. 

PS: I may not have won the lottery, but I did win a free weeks worth of blog material, so I guess there's that.

This McDonalds Lottery Mystery Woman Might be an Evil Genius

Fox News - Fifteen Maryland McDonald's employees remain in financial limbo Tuesday as a co-worker who claimed to hold a $105 million Mega Millions lottery ticket stays in hiding amid suspicions she is either being greedy or perpetrating a cruel hoax. Three winning tickets were bought for Friday's record-breaking $656 million Mega Millions drawing. While no one has come forward to claim the prize, Mirlande Wilson's boasts to a newspaper that she selected the ticket has caused ill-will at a McDonald's in Westport, a section in Baltimore, Md., where she works. Wilson bought tickets for a pool of co-workers, but told the New York Post that the winning ticket she claimed to have purchased was bought separately....Wilson's co-workers are sizzling with anger over the confusion. "She can't do this to us!” shift manager Suleiman Osman Husein told the New York Post. "We each paid $5. She took everybody’s money!"

This woman is absolutely diabolical! Either she won this lottery and is trying to screw her co-workers out of their money, which would absolutely go down as the biggest asshole move in history, OR, she's playing the most elaborate "Fuck You, I Quit" prank of all time. And I do mean all-time. 

Imagine this: Hating your job flipping burgers and cleaning grease traps, wanting to quit, but wanting a way to go out that will screw your co-workers and have people talking about you forever...So you wait. You wait for the biggest lottery of all time. $640 million dollar jackpot, and a winning ticket was pulled in your home state. Bingo, here's your opportunity. You mysteriously don't show up for the breakfast shift the day after the drawing, you're not returning calls from your manager either. The next day rolls around and you call a few media outlets and let it leak that you may have the winning ticket. Your co-workers accuse you of holding out, claiming you won on one of the group tickets, you get  even more vague. First you state that you won on a personal ticket, then you state that you're not even sure if you won at all. Finally, you go into hiding, you leave everyone wondering what the hell is going on? Are they millionaires or not? Can they retire today and leave a world of slinging hash browns, happy meals, and McFlurys or was it all an elaborate hoax? 

The psychological trauma this has to be causing on a few minimum wage McDonald's workers must be insane. On the one hand they absolutely need that job, on the other they could be weeks away from ironically moving into their own McMansion. Meanwhile this Mirlande Wilson is playing the role of the ultimate puppet master, and playing it to a T. 

PS: What's with this guy? Does he not get what's going on here?

"She can't do this to us!” shift manager Suleiman Osman Husein told the New York Post. "We each paid $5. She took everybody’s money!"

 Guy, quibbling over $5 here? There's bigger fish to try here, has no one clued him in? You're either a millionare or your're resigned to a life of serving up filet o' fish...Screw the $5.