Best Spelling Bee Troll You'll See Today

Lady is just happy to be a part of something. I mean is there no ettiquette or timer here? Has to be some sort of time limit she can impose so I'm going to say she just had no clue what was going on, just thought this ambiguously mexican/asian boy was hard of hearing or something.

PS: This kids at least 6 years older than that kid behind him, right? So the questions is, is the little kid a genius, or is the older kid in the middle of some kind of Billy Madison style k-12 quest? Because I'll tell you what, that senile old broad in Billy Madison handled his mischief much better than this lady.

The Best Snow Storm News Blooper You'll See Today

Perfect comedic timing. Absolutely perfect. Made me burst into laughter, I literally LOL'd...in fact, I almost ROLF'd...No hint that a joke is coming leading up to it, just an earnest report doing what they do best, reporting on the latest snow storm. He even leads in with the classic reporter line "There are times when...," drops his joke perfectly, and rolls right into the dramatic "this is one of those times," line.

Textbook, I guarantee he sent that reel straight to the producers of Dateline, who upon viewing immediately called his agent and made a deal. So long Ann Curry, hello James Lynch. Just the right man for the right time.

HillBilly Heaven BBQ Joint: Proudly Not Serving Halal, Peking Duck

Do Southerners not eat fries?

The Spec - The owner of a hillbilly-themed restaurant on the Mountain says he was only clarifying his cuisine by posting signs saying he doesn’t sell Middle Eastern and Asian foods and serves customers in English. But Evelyn Myrie, executive director of Hamilton’s Centre for Civic Inclusion, says the signs at Hillbilly Heaven on Upper James Street are “very offensive and against the principles of diversity and inclusion.” The restaurant has a big sign by the cash register that says halal, rice, kabob, shawarma, fries, wings, ¼ chicken, Mexican and burgers are “things we don’t have and never will.” On the door it says “to better serve you, our staff speaks ENGLISH” and “What would make you think this was a Korean BBQ? Do you see any f’n ducks in the window?” Myrie says the owner should take down the signs and apologize. He’s ignoring a great deal of the population. It’s very stereotypical … It’s unacceptable and feeds into a stereotype … He has the right to sell his goods but doesn’t have the right to trash other foods that are culturally driven.” But the owner of the restaurant, Cameron Bailey, says he means no offence. He says his business at Upper James and Fennell Avenue “is in a bit of an Arab neighbourhood. I got tired of people coming in here and asking me if I have halal. I put a sign up saying we don’t have halal, so stop coming in here and asking me.” As for the sign about Korean barbecue, that was in response to a Korean customer who got angry with Bailey, he said, because his restaurant didn’t serve Korean duck. He said he’s fed up with people who don’t understand what his restaurant is about. The theme is Southern U.S.-style barbecue that uses smokers that cook the meat for 12 hours at a time and then it’s sold in very large portions.

So this is what its come down to folks? A guy plainly spelling out that he doesn't serve all the foods from the colors of the rainbow at his specifically southern style BBQ restaurant has to apologize for clarifying his menu in an informational and efficient manner? Instead his employees should continue to have to deal with ignorant customers who somehow confused a BBQ joint for a Falafal joint or Peking Duck cart in the middle of China Town? Although, in fairness to the Koreans, maybe they assumed Southern Style BBQ meant South Korea? It's possible.

But since when is advertising that your staff is fully literate in our nations most prevalent language a bad thing? So Evelyn Myrie has never been infuriated at the drive in window of McD's or Dunkin Donuts? Or that her favorite Chinese food restaurant for take out isn't based on how well the person who answers the phone speaks English? Because mine is. 

True story, I've settled on one Chinese restaurant as my absolute go to when I'm in the mood for the taste of the Orient. Is it the best around? Absolutely not. Its pretty good but nothing special, but they consciously put the best English speaker on the phone so that when I'm trying to order a #2 with duck sauce I don't end up with some gross Bok Choi thing...Plus I have a propensity to just pay with my card over the phone and that is an absolute nightmare when you've got someone on the other end of the line that speaks like a giggling school girl in an anime film. 

Of course the downside to putting your best employee on phone duty is that you inevitably have to send out a simpleton on deliveries. I don't know what it is with my delivery guy but he seems to be the only person on earth that can't figure out the buildings buzzer system. He'll buzz, I'll answer and he'll already be mid sentence, cracks me up every time. 

One time he gave up entirely and just called me on my cell (we're pretty tight actually, he sees me about two times a week so we're on a first name basis), I walked down to the door, he's not there. Then I see him two doors up on some guys porch, he waves wildly (one of those really goofy, Asian waves, stiff elbow and hand, just the shoulder moving back and forth in the air with an overly zealous smile), got back in the car, attempted to back down the street (it's a one way), went up over the curb for a few feet before throwing it in park and just sprinting to my door. It was hilarious, we both got a big laugh out of it. 

And once again I end a blog well off topic.

Lynn Woman Arrested in Complicated Welfare for Bottle Deposits Scheme

Lynn, MA - Police arrested a woman at a Lynn Stop & Shop Saturday after she allegedly stole $64 worth of soda cans from the store and attempted to feed them into a digital can return machine in exchange for money, according to a Lynn Police incident report. According to the report, Officer Craig Fountain was watching loss prevention video while on detail at the grocery store, located at 35 Washington St., around 8:45 p.m. when he observed 36-year-old Tina Cafarelli, of 37 Green St. #504, purchase 18 12-packs of assorted soda and pay with a state-issued electronic benefit transfer (EBT) card, which she allegedly also stole. Cafarelli immediately took the cans to the store’s digital can return machine and attempted to deposit them without emptying them.

That has to be the most work anyone's ever done in an attempt to steal a net total of $10.80 ever (for the mathematically challenged, 18 12-packs is 216 cans, at .05 cents a piece). And really, what the fuck lady? That would be my first question if I'm the arresting officer.

You stole $64 dollars, why not just buy some food and call it a day? What is the play you're planning on carrying out with your $10.80 that you couldn't have just accomplished with a stolen EBT card? I know drug dealers prefer cash, but I find it hard to believe some cracky out on the streets wouldn't have jumped on a chance to go stock up on some Campbells Chicken and Stars Soup at Hand cans. It's cold out there, they'd definitely appreciate a warm meal in a cup, microwaveable at your local 7-11.

Standard Issue Drug Dealer Uniform, per CW

Plus they're delicious, its legit the only soup I'll eat, and it has to be the "Soup at Hand" kind, I don't have any need for frilly things like bowls when eating my soup. I just want a can that doubles as a feeding receptacle, slash, is microwaveable safe so I can cook my food in it as well. It saves me from doing the dishes, allright? I'm wicked lazy. And apparently I equate my laziness to the same dietary habits as some imaginary drug dealing homy who survives on the streets of Lynn, Massachusetts. I assume his name is Derryl, he's wearing a black winter cap, and a huge oversized Oakland Raiders bubble jacket.

And this is exactly what happens when you let yourself ramble through a blog at 8 AM, you go from finding the humor in some elaborate stolen welfare money laundering bottle deposit scheme to realizing that the completely hypothetical drug dealer in your head may be the result of some deep seeded racial profiling. I mean really, CW? An Oakland Raiders bubble jacket? It's like I've never seen a gangster outside of the old N.W.A music videos.  I don't even think they make jackets like that anymore, but no matter how hard I try, I can't picture Derryl in anything else.

Damnit! Now I'm going to spend the rest of the day trying to figure out if I'm a subconscious racist or if it's just my limited experience with real world drug dealers and over-exposure to the 1980's west coast rap culture via MTV and movies like Boyz in the Hood that have made me this way. I mean, I don't think I'm racist, I'll break bread and pop a can of soup with Derryl any day, but at the same time, he is wearing that bubble jacket and I'm having a hard time explaining that.

What's Wrong With This SCHOOL X-ING Picture?

NY Post - Somebody who’s working for the city should learn how to S-P-E-L-L. A slew of officials have failed to report a humiliating spelling error — “SHCOOL X-NG” — plastered on Stanton Street outside a Lower East Side high school for months.

Admit it, it took you a few glances, right?  I mean, I'd like to think I'm not the only one that didn't notice the mistake at first glance, took me three glances to notice something was off, and even then I noticed the "X-NG" portion before I saw the misspelling of school. So please tell me I'm not the only one, I know I misspell a word or two once in a while, and my grammar is suspect at best, but that's really because I write these things between 8 and 9 AM each morning and don't bother proof reading. 

And honestly, I think I'd leave it. Make it a sort of test for any new teachers. Like if you're interviewing a potential new hire and they don't mention that they noticed something wrong with the school x-ing sign out front then you just don't hire them. Sorry, I'd like to think the educators of our country's youth have a keen editorial eye for road markings and street signs. I know it's kind of a high standard, but its our children, they really are our future. 

And by the way, I have far less of a problem with the misspelling of "school" than I do of "x-ing." School is a weird looking word anyway, and frankly, it sounds Dutch. I don't really blame anyone for misspelling it. Actually, a quick Google image search confirms its a pretty common mistake.

But X-ING really only has one spelling. I have no idea what "X-NG" stands for, but it sounds like some late night TV dietary supplement that promises to burn pounds while I blog and watch junk TV. It's already an abbreviation, you can't just go abbreviating the abbreviations, the whole system would break down and the english language as we know it (which admittedly isn't that well) would be kaput.

Garth Brooks: Kind of an Asshole. Country Star Asks Hospital for Refund on Charitable Donation

Fox News - An Oklahoma hospital in country singer Garth Brooks' hometown must return his $500,000 donation because it failed to build a women's center in honor of his late mother, jurors ruled Tuesday. Brooks said he thought he'd reached a deal in 2005 with the hospital's president, James Moore, but sued after learning the hospital wanted to use the money for other construction projects. The hospital had argued that Brooks gave it unrestricted access to the money and only later asked that the hospital build a women's center and name it after his mother, Colleen Brooks, who died of cancer in 1999. Brooks said he gave the gift anonymously, as he does with all charitable donations. During cross-examination, an Integris lawyer highlighted statements that Brooks made in a deposition after he sued. Brooks said couldn't say whether the women's center was promised, or whether his mother's name would be attached to an existing center.

Sooo....Garth, you're kind of a dick, huh? I totally get wanting to get your mother's name up on a hospital wing, but really? Asking for a refund when it was used for other construction purposes? That's pretty low. Doubt Mother Brooks raised her son to go around town Indian giving wheelbarrow's full of cash to local charities. Wouldn't it have been a better idea to go back and ask that they name the next wing after your Ma? 

And does Garth know how much an entire Woman's Center would cost? $500k might cover the bill for a couple of x-ray machines, maybe one of those mammogram things too, but it sure as hell isn't building an entire wing of a building. According to this handy chart we're talking about millions. Surely someone that's had an uber successful country music career under not one, but two names, could afford a little more than a re-callable $500k donation, no?

PS: Anonymous? You can't go getting credit for anonymous if you're having wings named after loved ones and then taking the charitable foundations to court after...that's not anonymous. Anonymous would have just ate it and went on being a good person.

Chinese People Taking Birthing Advice from Restaurant Zodiac Place Mats

Time - Monday marks the beginning of the Year of the Dragon, and Chinese communities around the world will celebrate with extravagant festivities, vibrant parades and an influx in consumer spending. But forecasters and health officials are anticipating another boost: a wave of births. State news agency Xinhua says China is expecting a 5% increase in the number of babies born in 2012, the BBC reports. The dragon, considered the most auspicious zodiac sign in Chinese culture, is often associated with good fortune and intelligence and is believed to be the sign of those destined for success. In places like China, an already densely inhabited country with 1.3 billion people, the potential increase might put pressure on parents who must adhere to the country’s one-child policy as well as compete for spots in the most elite schools.

See, this is why I'm not overly concerned (yet) about Asia and more specifically China, rising up and dominating the world. I mean, first off, they can't even keep track of when New Years is...Guys, that shit happened like 3 weeks ago now...I know the international dateline can be a little confusing, but at most its a 12 hour difference, not a fortnight. Try and keep up.

But secondly, they're still taking medical and financial advice from Chinese Food Restaurant novelty place mats and fortune cookies. How crazy do you have to be to be planning out your birthing schedule over a couple sides of dumplings and crab rangoon? You don't see white people sitting around in McDonald's enjoying a Big Mac and using the Monopoly game to plot huge life changing decisions, do you? 

PS: If you are going to take procreation advice from place mats, just based on that image above, how do you not go with the Snake? I'd rather have good luck with money than be thought of as a careful listener with good health. I can buy good health with my good luck with money...Plus how about these parents, all worried about having kids this year because the schools will be over crowded when it's their time to enroll...Wait a frigen year then, then your kid will have no competition and will be guaranteed to get into whatever the Harvard of China is. Chinese, I feel like I have to explain everything to them.

The Evolution of Cameron Diaz...It's Not Pretty

Fox - When Cameron Diaz stepped out in Paris this week, her fans were left scratching their heads at her new look. It was a big departure from her look back in 2007 (in gold). Was it her sleek bob, combed back off of her face? No. Was it her freshly bronzed tan look? Nope, not that either. It was Cameron’s face that was looking a little … different.

Yikes, not a good look Cameron, I mean look what you're doing to yourself? Went from a certified dime piece (yep, just as I thought,I'm waayyy to white to pull that one off) hott enough to get Justin Timberlake over Britney Spears in her prime, to ARod's creatine partner, to a slightly younger version of Steven Tyler? 

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but this is exactly what you're going to look like in like, 5 years. And of course the next logical step is the Tales from Crypt, Crypt Keeper below (frankly, I'm shocked Steven has been able to hold that inevitable step off for so long). 

Good luck finding a suitable mate now that they know exactly how your aging process is going to go...Can't imagine there's much of market for high maintenance goblins

Survey Says: His Schlong! Steve Harvey Just Desecrating the Family Feud

Al Borland and his Midwest sensibilities must be rolling in their graves.

Freaking Steve Harvey, you can't just take over a family classic and start sullying it with your dirty porn mouth. "His Schlong." Really Steve? After Bob Barker retired over at The Price is Right did Drew Care just come in and turn the whole thing into one big key party? You're goddamn right he didn't. Have some respect for those who came before you.

PS: Does it make me an asshole that every time I think of Steve Harvey I can't help but think that I wish it was him that died and not Bernie Mac? The guy was clearly the weak link in the Original Kings of Comedy.