Why Do We Insist On Adding "gate" to the Jets "Tripgate" Situation?

Ok I lied, I found a topic to rant on and couldn't resist. I've been waiting all week to see a story that added the -gate to the Jets sideline tripping controversy and I found it this morning:

FLORHAM PARK, N.J. -- Tripgate isn't over for the New York Jets, who could be subject to sanctions by the NFL for using inactive players in an illegal wall and publicly accusing the New England Patriots of the same tactic.

Can all media outlets please come to a resolution to stop adding the -gate suffix to anything remotely involving a scandal or controversy.  Its one of my biggets pet-peeves. 


Reporters and journalists are smart enough to understand that the word gate is in no way synonymous with scandal right? That it was only called Watergate because that was the name of the hotel complex where the events took place, they know this right?.  Its getting pretty frigen ridiculous how often -gate is attached to news stories.  I'm begging for a moratorium on this, begging. 


Each time I see -gate at the end of a word my blood pressure gets raised just a little bit, so if only for this  bloggers health this needs to stop.  You're professional writers for Christsakes, come up with something original instead of piggy backing on the same goddamned phrase thats been used for almost 40 years now, its so aggravating. 

Hungover like a M-F'er

Well I'm blatantly breaking Rule number 4 again, the annual post-Holiday Party tradition continues. Definitely not bringing my A game today (I'd be lucky to be graded out at a D right now).  I'm just going to rest here with my head on my hand and stare blankly to see if I can snap out of it.

You may get an Alt-Tabs Friday edidion, you may not.  It all depends on how much time I spend in the corporate bathroom later today.  I'd say its a 50/50 chance, though judging by how difficult of a time I'm having putting together coherent sentences right now those odds may shift.



Indoor Soccer Wrap Up - VICTORY!

B8 played its most consistent game yet and the results were reflective.  Facing one of the top ranked teams in the league B8 over came early deficits to dominate the second half and take home the 8-6 victory.  Scoring was once again led by Pascal and Ross (Hey Ross if you ever follow through on that promise to buy the team beer after a victory maybe we'll throw you in the air like the coach above) who continue to be neck and neck for the team scoring title.  A great game in return for The Huz, and strong performance from Kathryn despite rumors of illness (not quite Jordan in the finals but a very commendable performance all around). Everyone pitched in, an all around team effort (yes I realize its starting to sound like a T-ball speech).

The turning point clearly came during an altercation between Mazz and another player led to double yellow cards and both sides playing a man down for 4 minutes early in the second half.  B8 dominated this time period and the momentum carried the remainder of the half (0 goals against from that point on).  As such team Captain Ross has nominated Mazz for game ball honors.  Depsite my previous ruling that recipients cannot have scored an own goal during the game Ross convinced me this was the major spark for our team, ala Varitek mugging Arod in '04.  I'm still not sure it quite resonated with the team that strongly but none the less its hard to argue with the results from that point on (4-Nil good guys).

UBS' New Dress Code: Corporate Life Gone Too Far

Congrats to UBS for winning this years "Douchiest Corporation To Work For" Award.  Apparently UBS, unhappy with some of their employees interpretation of business casual, went so far as to publish a 43 page document on employee dress attire, with the basic goal of having all employees appear to be clones of one another. I honestly thought I was reading a spoof from somewhere like College Humor when I was going through it.  Wouldn't have believed it was real but I saw it on the morning news this morning, and I take that as fact. A few highlights (full article here):

Female employees are instructed to wear flesh-colored underwear, keep their skirt length to mid-knee, and steer a wide berth around ankle chains and body piercings...Nor are male employees exempt from potential disapproval over their dress: UBS wants them in classic-cut two-button jackets and forbids them to wear the same ties or shoes on consecutive days. They must also resist the temptation to turn back the clock by using hair dye.

Light makeup consisting of a foundation, mascara and discreet lipstick will enhance your personality.”

“Women should not wear shoes that are too tight-fitting as there is nothing worse than a strained smile.”

“A flawless appearance can bring inner peace and a sense of security.”

“The ideal time to apply perfume is directly after you take a hot shower, when your pores are still open.”

For men:

• “Three days of stubble is not permitted and a visit to the barber is recommended once every four weeks.”
• “Wear only ties that match the bone structure of the face and do not wear socks with cartoon motifs.”
• “If you wear a watch, it suggests reliability and that punctuality is a great concern to you.”
• “Underwear is among the most intimate parts of our clothing … your underwear must not be visible through your clothes, or stand out … your figure should not suffer from the way you wear your underwear.”

Some of this stuff you couldn't even make up.  Flesh toned underwear? What was there an outbreak of whale tales in UBS banking branches? Tight fitting shoes and strained smiles? How about saying what you're really thinking...you don't want fatties wearing open toe or strappy shoes.

And for men its just as ridiculous, can't wear the same pair of shoes on consecutive days, well I hope you don't mind me kicking around in a pair of Nikes every Tues and Thursday. And how the fuck does a tie match the bone structure of a face? Aren't there only two types of ties, skinny and wide? Shit, do you have to be a fan of a crappy show like Project Runway to dress appropriately for work now? And again with the underwear. How can ones figure suffer from their boxers/briefs? What kinda crazy shit are the swiss wearing these days that this is a real concern?

I'd quit within 3 days of receiving this email, the only reason I would last that long is I'd strive to break as many of the ridiculous rules as possible before leaving on my own accord.  I'd be flashing my multi-colored boxer labels to every customer and co-worker.  Frost some tips in my hair and wear the same bow tie each day. 

The Office Christmas Party: Some General Tips

 CW's annual office Christmas Party Holiday Party (sorry have to keep it corporate...shit is "Holiday" allowed? Will that offend Jehovahs that don't celebrate anything?  Lets just replace Holiday with "Winter" and Party with "Event", that should cover it) Winter Event!   

Basically the only positive to working in a gigantic corporate office is that events like this have to be held at big restaurants or hotels in order to accomodate everyone, rather than the standard decorate the office and mingle party.  I look forward to it every year, and despite the fun and seemingly care free atmosphere there are some traps you need to avoid to survive the Holiday Party.

1.  Don't be the guy above.  Every year I see some rookie make the same mistake as he presumably did. "Oh there's free drink tickets until 10 pm? Double Fisting Time!" No dude, this isn't college and we're not at your Frats Christmas themed party.  I like the sauce as much as the next guy but getting as much liquor as you can into your system during the open bar period is a horrible rookie mistake.  We literally have one manager who just walks around during the night looking for jackasses that have had too much.  No one is really sure what happens to the few unlucky souls he finds each year, but they're never seen again and their cubes are always packed up and emptied before we get to work the next day.  Don't be that guy. Have a couple, and save the partying for the after party down the road.

2.  There's liquor, music, members of the opposite sex, and usually some dancing.  You will be lulled into thinking this is your regular Friday or Saturday night pick up seen.  This is a mistake.  Though your dance partner may have been throwing you all the signs you usually look for, you must resist.  First off, everyone else is watching and judging.  The older folks will be jealous of your youthful flirting and that jealousy will affect you in the office.  Secondly, God forbid you hit on the wrong person that some middle aged-middle manager who still lives with his mother has had a crush on but is too much of panzy to do anything about it.  You might as well kiss any chance for promotion goodbye. And finally, mainly for the guys, watch out for the sexual harassment claim.  This is still a work event, work rules apply.  Doesn't matter if the liquor has her loosened up, you don't want to come into work tomorrow at 9 AM with a message from HR asking to see you.

3. If you're feeling the affects of that third Long Island Iced Tea, stay away from the big wigs.  You'll be tempted to schmooze and rub elbows with the higher-ups, its one of the few chances a year you have to mingle with the decision makers.  Do you really want their lasting memory of you to be the guy who rambled on in slurring tones about your great ideas to improve the company (most of which probably involve ideas that will allow you to be lazier)?

4. Less of a rule, more of a guideline, try not to show up obviously hungover the next morning.  Everyone's going to be a bit slower moving the next day, its a given, but you don't want to be the guy/gal just sitting at their desk, head propped up by their arm just staring blankly ahead because motion makes you feel sick (yes I'm speaking from personal experience).  It makes you look irresponsible, and even worse it makes you look like a light-weight.  You cannot be labeled a light weight and expect to go on client trips.  75% of a client trip is dining and drinking (20% ass kissing and 5% actual work meetings in case you were wondering).  If management knows that you look like a homeless vagabond the morning after they're never going to send you anywhere.  That said:

5. DO NOT CALL OUT SICK.  I can't stress that enough. Like I said #4 is more of a guideline, not a hard fast rule.  This is the golden rule.  You call out sick you might as well start sending out resumes, because if you're not let go then you at the very least guarantee that you're not looking at a raise or promotion for the next 5 years. 

By the way, don't be shocked if tomorrow is a light day here at the Tabs.  Rule number 4 is a bitch to follow.

Justin Bieber Is Out of Control

Michael Bolton: Yeah, well, at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know, there's nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There *was* nothing wrong with it... until I was about twelve years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Hmm... well, why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change? He's the one who sucks. 

 So this guy really lives that nightmare huh? Well I say Bieber has gone too far this time.  Ruining the quality of life for a 35 year old pinball machine collector?  Getting him kicked off Facebook for a possible fake profile? How else is he supposed to stalk underage children (yes I'm just making an assumption, but the guy mistakenly gets a 16 year old pop stars fan mail, you mean to tell me he hasn't opened a few and tried to find the writers Facebook profiles, lets be realistic here)?  

Someone needs to stop this and soon.  Don't teen stars usually trip up after a year or so of fame?  Where is the standard trip to rehab for an addiction to booger-sugar? Or the embarrassing hotel room photos with scantily clad older women?  Did this kid just ignore the game plan set forth by all previous teen stars?  Corey Haim must be spinning in his grave knowing this kid is so far playing it straight.

Side Note: I still don't really know who Bieber is or what he sings.  I can identify him visually but if you played 10 songs on the radio for me I wouldn't be able to tell you which one is his.  This is a fact I'm extremely proud of. 

Gripe of the Week

If you're a chic calling into a sports station you should at least be as hardcore as this woman.

CW's been so busy at his real job lately that he hasn't had time to focus on gripes, and that's a shame because its what I do and enjoy best, so while I only have two gripes for the day, I hope you enjoy them thoroughly . So without further ado...

Females Calling Into Sports Radio - Can't you just leave this one frontier alone?  We just want one all male arena, that's it, its not too much to ask.  No, I don't want your uninformed opinions on my teams, you're a woman. I know ladies watch and follow sports but that alone doesn't give you the right to call up and spout your opinions on it.  Sports are like are like a religion to those of us who go out of our way to listen to sports radio.  Similar to cooking for women who watch the food network, or crafting for for those of you who subscribe to Home and Garden magazine.  Its not something to take lightly and call up and spout your rose colored glasses opinions on and then just go about your day like nothing happened. And that's the main problem  Women never have conviction on their calls, you ask a question or state an opinion and as soon as the hosts begin to debate you just accept their opinions and say things like "ya, ok" or "I guess you're right," or my absolute favorite "Well I don't know".   Exactly, you don't know, and you don't care enough to really discuss it so stop wasting all of our time.

Things like this:

I am pleased to announce the opportunity to apply for The John and Evelyn Neumeyer Scholarship Award available for all full-time undergraduate students in any health sciences field within the College.  Candidates must demonstrate financial need and be either an immigrant with permanent resident status or the child of an immigrant.

I hate this more than anything.  It's been said time and time again but wouldn't there be a gigantic uproar if anyone was to ever give out an all white or Caucasian scholarship?  And spare me the socio-economic defense. If that were the case you could just set financial parameters around the scholarship.  But nope, we jumped right to the race issue and that's wrong. We're past the point in society of having to handicap minorities, at least at the higher education level (I'll concede at a k-12 level there is a lot of work needed in this area).  Schools practially fall all over themselves courting the best and brightest from minority groups, tossing around additional free money isn't all that necessary. 

Florida Gunman Opens Fire on School Board, Fails Miserably

PANAMA CITY - A gunman opened fire at a school board meeting Tuesday, sending spectators scrambling before he exchanged shots with a security guard and then killed himself, police said. No one besides the gunman was injured. Witnesses said the gunman walked up to a podium, spray painted a red "V" with a circle around it before he began firing...What happens next isn't shown. Police say district security chief Mike Jones entered the room and exchanged fire with Duke, wounding him. Police say Duke then fatally shot himself.

Well this is just about the craziest piece of news to come around in a long time.  How horrible of an effort did this guy make?  If you're going to go down, go down blazing.  None of this lazy shooting, you see that one shot? Just right down into the carpet, wasn't even aimed anywhere in particular.  At the end of the day I'm glad everyone but this loon was safe but I can't help feel shocked at the outcome.  If you're going to make the rash decision to line up the school committee firing squad style you'd think you'd have some conviction behind your actions.  None of this waffling, on the fence bullshit this guy pulled.  In the end no real threat to anyone but himself.

I'll tell you who the real threat was, District Security Chief Mike Jones (WHO?) marching right in there with what looks like a frigen assault rifle.  Now I assume District Security Chief is code word for minimum wage security guard of the building, that being the case what was this guy doing marching around with a sub machine gun?  I can only assume he's a war vet who's been living in a fantasy world just waiting for the day he's called back into action.  I mean where does he even keep that bazooka? Hidden under his security guard desk?

And finally, we really need more of an explanation of the V.  I get that its from V for Vendetta but what kind of suicidal maniac goes out without a proper explanation.  There has to be an unopened email or letter in the mail to someone fully explaning the thought process there.  It was a decent movie and all but nothing worth using as the creedo to your last stand.  Just a mystifying series of events from start to finish.  Glad everyone else is safe though.

Introducing Americas Biggest Badass

MSNBC - When choosing a getaway vehicle, it's a good idea to make sure it goes more than 3 miles an hour. A Palm Beach man led security guards on an intense slow-speed chase in a motorized shopping cart in a grocery store parking lot after he allegedly stole some meat and ran over a child's foot during his escape.

Louis Lorensen, 58, was finally cornered by security guards and employees of the Winn-Dixie, who waited for police to show up to finally arrest the would-be thief, reports the Sun-Sentinel.  "I ain't no punk, and I ain't going down without a fight," Lorensen was yelling, according to a police report of the odd incident.

He apparently wasn't in a rush to get away, either. Most motorized shopping carts can reach speeds of about 3 miles per hour, but they might not even be that fast. At that rate, Lorensen would have been better off using his feet. But that didn't stop him from allegedly loading up on 11 packages of meat and then low-tailing it out of the store. As he tried to exit, a woman and her 4-year-old son were walking in. Lorensen told the customers to move out of the way, but the little boy was caught like a deer in headlights with the oncoming slow cart bearing down on him, according to the police report. Lorensen ran over the boy's foot and made it into the parking lot before finally being corralled, the police report said. At the police station, Lorensen told an officer, "When you take these cuffs off, I'm going to punch you in the face," according to the report, as reported by the Sun-Sentinel. He now faces two counts of larceny, aggravated battery on a child, possession of stolen property and resisting arrest.

This guy might just be my hero.  Facing ridicule and certain arrest he had the conviction to go through with his plan and the chance to be a legend.  Sure it was about a 100 percent chance he'd get caught before he even made it to through the automated doors. But what if he didn't?  

Can you imagine the legend that would grow out of the Rascal bandit? Senior citizens from Arizona to Maine would share stories in hushed tones over their early bird dinners, wishing they could muster the courage to make a getaway on their motorized carts.  Louie Lorensen could have been bigger than Jesse James and Billy the Kid combined.  

You have to love the moxie he showed even after it was all over too.  You can be damned sure those officers never let him out of the cuffs.  He would have socked them in the face and then rode off into the sunset never to be seen again. 

But alas, his plans were foiled by some pathetic 4 year old who froze up in fear at the sight of a speeding slow rolling tri-ped.  Good luck in life kid, I'm sure you won't be a complete failure.