Who Knew the Mayans Would be Wrong? Ohhh Right, Sane People.

You mean to tell me a civilization that all but went extinct hundreds of years ago wasn't able to accurately predict the end of the world? That's weird.

On a more serious note, how dumb to the people who shelled out for these super bunkers have to feel? Would it kill CNN or Fox to get a news crew out to one of these things to catch a first glimpse of all these "survivalists" turtleheading out of their bunkers and seeing that all their years of preparation and money they forked over was for nothing.  The look on their faces will be priceless.

This is the closest I was able to find by googling "Coming out of doomsday bunker"

My Favorite Commercial of the Year: "Just 99 Cents Any Size"

Gets me every time. When that giant man-garoo zips his little Joey back up, I lose it.

PS: This is the exact reason I won't drink gas station coffee. 99 Cents or not. Just a string of freakshows coming in and handling that shit all day long. I mean Frankenstein and Igor over here were probably just the most photogenic people of the day to grab a Cumby's coffee and that's how they were selected...imagine the other cretins.

Brookline Cops Will Address Gangster Turkeys

That's a real graph folks, I didn't even make it up.

Boston - Karen Halvorson was walking down Tappan Street in Brookline about a month ago when she spotted three turkeys flying up against passing cars. Then she said the turkeys turned on her. Halvorson, who is 64 and five-feet tall, said three turkeys surrounded her and the dominant turkey flew up at her head and scratched her neck, breaking the skin, when she tried to duck. Halvorson said she didn’t know what to do, until finally a passing motorist stopped, threw open a car door and let her jump in. “I’m not sure what would have happened to me had she not stopped,” Halvorson said.While some voiced their support for protecting the birds and just trying to scare away the trouble makers, other neighbors are asked police to shoot the aggressive birds. One man in the audience even requested if he could spray-paint the problem birds so police can identify them. Brookline Police Chief Daniel O’Leary said firing guns in the neighborhood is not an alternative, but the chief vowed the department will find a way to address the aggressive turkeys, and especially the three trouble-making tom turkeys.

Jesus, I mean, people of Dorchester are probably just counting their lucky stars every day they don't run into one of these mean mugging dinner fowls, huh? The worst they have to deal with is guns and murderers and shit...

Can I ask a question, just how soft are you, Brookline? I mean really? We're talking about turkeys here...to quote Urban Dictionary, to refer to someone as a turkey is to imply that: the person is a loser, uncoordinated, inept, and clumsy; a tool.

Is that what you guys are afraid of? Like you Karen, apparently a 6'5 woman just strolling the streets of Brookline, I'd think you can take care of yourself...just kick the damn things, PETA be damned. The minute these things cross the line from something that would look good on my dinner table, to an Alfred Hitchcock scenario, you're allowed to fight back. One or two punts to the breast bone and I think they'll get the message. 

PS: The thought of the police "addressing troublesome turkeys" just makes me thing of scared straight...like the cops are gonna round up all these badass Turks, get in their face, and then show them a slide show of this:

"YEA, you street turkeys aint gonna be so tough when you've got a buttload of stuffing and pecans on some folks dinner table, are you? ARE YOU!?"

Cracks me up.

Guys, John Travolta Couldn't Possibly By Gay

I mean look at that, he's line dancing with Olivia Newton John guys...It's just ridiculous that anyone would think he'd do those things to all those masseuses and bus boys, just utterly ridiculous.

Two Additional Things:

1. Bro, you're bald. You've been thinning since the 70's, we all know you're bald by now. Dancing around with a chia pet slapped on your head does nothing to change that.

2.  Don't both of you guys have like, lots of money? No offense, but this looks more like a high school A/V project than two Hollywood stars filming a music video from their album. What was the production budget for this thing? Three iPhone 5's and an old Macbook for editing? Clean it up guys.

Pineapple Upside-Down Cake Makes Absolutely Zero Sense

Looks right side up to me.

I mean look at it...It's not upside down. Full disclosure I had my first encounter with this cake thing a few weeks ago at Thanksgiving, having never had one or really seen one before I was fairly curious as to what I would be dealing with, so I sneaked a peak...Ummm, guys? Someone forgot to flip the cake upside down.

I mean that's not upside down, no way around it. Yes, it was explained to me that it's baked upside down, but you know what, I'm the guy eating it, when it's presented to me, it's right side up. I've never cared to ask what steps the chef was taking with my food before it gets to me previously, and I don't care now. All I care is that it tastes good, and it's labeled appropriately.

And with that in mind, from this day forth, the pastry formerly known as pineapple upside-down cake, is just going to be known as pineapple cake. Now go forth and let the name ring from the mountainside. 

Is It Time for Boston's Mayor Menino to Rule Like that Leper King-Guy in Braveheart?

Boston News, Weather, Sports | FOX 25 | MyFoxBoston

BOSTON (FOX 25 /MyFoxBoston.com) – Boston Mayor Thomas Menino made an appearance at the Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospital on Thursday to show off get well cards that he received while hospitalized. IMAGES: Menino makes first appearance after hospital stay Mayor Menino was transferred to a rehabilitation hospital on Monday after spending a month at Brigham and Women's Hospital recovering from an infection and a compression fracture in his back.


Yes, Yes it is.

Sorry Mayor, I know you're going through some stuff, but no one wants to see that. I mean that's tough to look at, ya know? Doesn't mean you have to give up the dictatorship of Boston that you've assumed in the last decade though, just means you need a son or some other puppet rule to come down from your isolated tower and make decisions for you. Worked just fine for the Leper guy for the majority of the movie...and that was a long film. I'd have to imagine you could keep that act up until at least your next election season. At that point you're hopefully looking more like your normal self, which, I never though I'd say this, would be better for everyone. Until then, rule on Leper King.

 PS: This guy's credit in the movie is just "Leper." Just non-descript Leper...He was the king of feudal Scotland as far as I can remember and they title his part just Leper? No respect at all.

China Man's House is Right Smack Dab In the Middle of the Highway

Business Insider - When the government decided to build a highway to Wenling, a town in China's Zhejiang province, it offered everyone in the neighborhood compensation to relocate. But farmer Luo Baogen and his wife refused to move, saying the compensation wasn't enough for them to rebuild their home elsewhere. Faced with Luo's refusal to leave, the government decided to go ahead and build the road around it anyway. Reuters reports that this phenomenon – when one building remains, after those around it have been demolished – is called a 'nail house'.

-Desirable, classical Cantonese style 4 floor house in Urban Setting. 5 Bedrooms, two Garages, easy access to major highways, tons of natural light and headlights...Watch your electricity bill cut in half! Open house this Saturday. Directions: Drive down highway, park car.

Bro-your house is in the middle of the fucking highway! Move. Like I get making a stand but don't you think this is a little ridiculous? Isn't this the same China that has traffic jams that last for up to 9 days! You tell your wife you're going out for a carton of cigarettes she's going to think you left her, even though you're probably just in bumper to bumper 500 yards down the road. 

And on a side note, am I the only one that kind of assumed that, in the Land of China, when the government decided it wanted to do something, it kinda just did it. Like couldn't they have just knocked this house over whether or not Luo over here agreed or not? What is this a warmer, fuzzier China? Certainly not the Red Devil I remember.

So This Was Going On In My Neighborhood Last Night

I specifically like the part where Everett Police asked for anyone with any information to call them...hey guys, how about you call me? What the fuck!?

I'm sitting here last night with a helicopter circling for hours with his spotlight raining down, and the only reason I had a clue what was going on? Twitter. That's right, a few people who listen to police scans and broadcast their listenings on Twitter were the only thing that kept me from going outside to see what was going on while a murder/attempted murder suspect may or may not have been hiding in my hedges.

This went on for a couple of hours, no reverse 911 call to residents, no breaking news on the local channels as it apparently missed the news cycle...I'd have even taken one of those terrifying severe weather alert things that get pushed to your cell phones, but you know, instead of warning me about tornado's and hail, maybe just something like, "Don't Go Outside a Gunman is Hunkered Down in Your Shrubs."

But no. I got nothing. I sat here and received minimal updates from Twitter and downloaded 3 different police scanner apps to try and figure out what was going on. And it's not like this morning's report is showering praise on the Everett police for finding this kid, kinda vague and sounds like they didn't find him, which, you know, wouldn't be a bad thing to warn residents that an armed and dangerous gunman is in the area.

Frigen Everett. And Steve Wynn wants to build a casino here? Hope they take him for a tour of the crime scene literally a half a mile from the proposed site on Wednesday.

This Road Rage Video is So Good that I have Nothing to Add

Just pure unadulterated fun. And for the record, I've been both the cutter and the blocker several times before, and I can tell you for a fact that I'm in the right no matter which side I'm on. I fully support both of these assholes.

So Hostess Might Not Be Really Shutting Down? Well Don't You All Look Like Idiots

CNN - WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. (CNNMoney) -- Hostess Brands and a key union agreed Monday to try to mediate their dispute -- an unexpected development that could spare the company from permanently shutting down... On Friday, management announced a shutdown of Hostess and appeared before U.S. Bankruptcy Judge Robert Drain on Monday afternoon seeking approval to liquidate. But Drain said he wanted the parties to try one last time to reach agreement. Drain will serve as the mediator at a session scheduled for Tuesday afternoon. Only one day of talks is set for now. Hostess CEO Greg Rayburn said the company needs a final decision on Tuesday. Monday's hearing on the liquidation motion was rescheduled for Wednesday at 11 a.m..Hostess has announced its intention to sell its brands and recipes for various products and other assets as a way to generate cash for its creditors. Even if the products are purchased by other companies and once again sold to consumers, most potential buyers are unlikely to rehire Hostess employees to produce or deliver those products.

You see? You see what just happened, crazy internet people? You all went ham, buying up up Twinkies (arguably the WORST Hostess treat) hoarding pallets of those damn things, selling for upwards of $5,000, on Ebay, and for what? Absolutely nothing. Just a bunch of idiots overreacting. Just fucking nuts.

Sometimes I can't help but chuckle when I hear about people blaming the government, Wall Street, the mortgage companies, Obama, etc...for our countries fiscal problems...Please. Those institutions may not have helped, but I'm pretty sure our biggest problem is that as a society we're a bunch of assholes who you can literally sell anything to with the right advertising...and that's what this is shaping up to be...the biggest unconventional marketing ploy in history. Twinkies just made their nut over this whole shutdown rumor. Probably sold more gross pastries in a week than they do in a typical year.

What makes it even more laughable is that Twinkies, Ring-Dings, etc...those were never going anywhere anyway. If we didn't read in a society where people overreact to sensational headlines, everyone would have read the actual articles, saw that, yes, Hostess is closing, but also that they're selling their assets and recipes. You don't honestly think that all those iconic treats were just going to disappear did you? That's like half an aisle in the Supermarket, of course someone was going to pick those things up. Meanwhile you'd have these morons just going into debt for hundreds of twinkies that'll end up just getting packed away and going to waste with all their old Y2K supplies. Absolutely nuts.


PS: My biggest problem with Twinkies? That I don't think I referenced in my earlier post...They don't taste like anything that exists anywhere else in the world. I mean, maybe, MAYBE, vaguely like pecan pie filling, but that's just a hint. The overwhelming Twinkie taste is Twinkie. Twinkies taste like Twinkies. And that's fucking weird. I had more of a handle on what the white mystery flavor of Airheads was than I did for what flavor a twinkie was supposed to be.

Double PS: I'm sure the 18,500 people who's jobs were/are reportedly on the line appreciate all the attention going to their shitty cakes and pastries...No outrage over more unemployed Americans, just that we can get our fill of high calorie treats.

Obviously the Struggling Tobacco Farmer Turned His Property Into A Gun Range

First off, I absolutely love this tobacco farmer, he's everything I want my tobacco farmer to be. Easy going southern demeanor, with a bit of indignance for the government with the "The government hasn't been good to tobacco but tobacco has been good to the US government line." Perfect.

Second of all, OF COURSE the struggling tobacco farm looked to guns as a way to make more money. Of course they did. Look, I'm not begrudging anyone for how they legally make their money, I'm not begrudging gun owners either, I just can't help but laugh when I think about a southern tobacco farmer...with a huge farm...racking his brain for ways to make more money of his land, and just coming back to guns time and time again. I mean, if this guy sets up a little distillery out there in the woods he'd be the most popular guy with the ATF in the country. Just a one stop shop for all their regulatory check ins. It's just too ironic (in the Alanis Morissette kinda way, not in the actual definition of irony kinda way).

Tobacco and Guns, that's just what southerners do.

Lance Armstrong, Just Lounging and Being a Boss

Love it. I'd say Lance is going to be just fine. Just a big F-U to cancer, doping committees, and assholes that actually think anyone in cycling is clean.

The Sacajawea Sucks: Fantasy Football and Creative Payment Ideas

So I've been racking my brain the last couple of days on how to pay my fantasy football dues in a somewhat creative way. The past few times I've resorted to writing out checks with bogus memo lines such as "Money Laundering," "Terrorist Funding," "human trafficking," etc...This year I'm looking to change that up, it's gotten a little old, and frankly, I'm not sure how many checks like that I can send out without triggering a federal audit and a possible trip to Gitmo.

Anyway, I came up with a few ideas, taping one dollar bills end to end together, writing hundreds of checks for various random amounts forcing the commish to sign each and every one (yes I'd be signing them too, but it doesn't seem like work when you know there's a hilarious payoff coming), mailing one dollar bills in individual envelopes (stamp cost might not be worth it), and then I came to Sacajawea's. Just paying with rolls of gold coins. Genius, right?

WRONG. So wrong. I wouldn't wish a stack of Sacajawea's on my worst enemy, never mind the commish. Sacajawea's are the WORST.  To the point where I'm not even sure how, in 2012, a year where we've openly discussed getting rid of the penny, and thrown out plans for eliminating physical currency all together, the government and federal mint still thinks there are people out there who won't mind carrying around a satchel of gold shekels like freaking Ebeneezer Scrooge. It's absurd. Have you ever put a $10 or $20 bill into a parking garage pay machine, or subway ticket machine, thinking you'd be getting back a few bills in change only to hear dozens of coins flying out like you just hit the jackpot at a casino slot machine? Such a sinking feeling.

You walk around all day like you just got robbed, because let's be honest, that's not real money. I mean, yea, technically it's legal tender, but no non-sociopath can go into a store and saddle up at the register with a handful of  Sacajawea's with a clear conscience. You're ripping that store off. You know it, the store owner knows it, the people behind you know it. "Look at this cheapskate asshole, ripping off this poor small business proprietor," they're probably all saying. It sucks, I won't do it. I'd rather walk around feeling like I'd been ripped off and take those Sacajawea's home to put them where I belong...In my pathetic coin collection...Couple half dollars, a silver dollar, the odd Deutschmark and kroner here or there, and a pile of Sacajawea's I'll never spend...Just leave them there to collect dust and take it as a loss.

The moral of the story, Commish, rest easy. I won't be paying you in stacks of Sacajawea's.

Tom Curran Asks Tom Brady What We've All Been Wondering for 3 Years

For the record, asking an NFL Quarterback, MVP, Superbowl MVP, one of the greatest players ever, who also happens to go home to a supermodel every night, "Who does that? Is that the whole self… Do you lay that out? Does someone lay that out for you?”...Might be the most emasculating question in the history of sports questions.

It honestly doesn't get any more humiliating than someone asking you if you're clothes were laid out for you. You just can't come back from that. Brady knew it, just conceded with a "no comment" and moved on.

Brilliant interviewing by Tom Curran. 

On Election Day, A Brief Reminder of How Batshit Crazy Our Politics Are

CNN - More money, less unity Neither candidate can say his deadlocked fate in the polls is because people have not heard his message. No other election has ever seen so much money raised and spent to win the White House -- latest estimates have the 2012 campaign costing, all in, as much as $6 billion. All those ads, all those TV interviews with the candidates and their surrogates, all the debates and bus trips. They've each had their chances to break out over and over again. Yet neither has been able to get the job done. They may have, however, accomplished another task. Although they each gave lip service to the idea of us all being in this together, the divisiveness of the race itself seems to have hardened opinions even more in red and blue America. In the end, it remains to be seen if there will be a president of the United States.

$6 Billion dollars folks. That's a lot of guac. A shit ton of money, if you ask me, just to parade through a series of commercials and rallies, eloquently pointing out that your opponent is an asshole, without actually saying those words. I don't know about the rest of you, but I think I'd prefer one of the candidates to just come out and be like, "Hey, vote for me, I don't really like the other guys opinions, he's a bit of a doofus, and between you and me, most of the Senate can't stand him...Oh yeah, and he's a horrendous tipper." Boom election won and all those ridiculously misguided philanthropists and Super PAC's who donated the equivalent of a few very poor country's National GDP's...well maybe they can funnel their money elsewhere into something useful instead of continuing to advance their league of shadows type political cult they've got going on. Or you know, maybe just pay a little more in taxes, we have this huge debt thing I keep hearing about.

T-Rex vs. Triceratops...Who Ya Got?

Fox News - It was the greatest showdown of the dinosaur kingdom. The carnivorous apex predator Tyrannosaurus versus the heavily shielded plant-eating Triceratops. But scientists were never quite sure how the fearsome T-rex could penetrate the armored three-horned herbivore when it came time for dinner -- until now. Denver Fowler and his colleagues at the Museum of the Rockies last week presented the first study done on a collection of bite-scarred fossils to get an idea of how the legendary Tyrannosaurus fed. Gruesomely, Fowler explains, though the work is still in its early stages. By studying consistent sets of bitemarks, Fowler and his team concluded that the T-rex feasted on the Triceratops by popping off its head. “It's gruesome, but the easiest way to do this was to pull the head off,” Fowler told Nature. Since the bite-marks didn’t show signs of healing, it means they were made when the dino was already dead. Some scars could only have been made if the Triceratops had been decapitated -- in order to get to the nutrient rich neck muscles.

How ruthless is that? Just popping the head off its most noble adversary like a prehistoric pez dispenser. Pure awesomeness.

I'm going to be honest, as a kid I always rooted for the Triceratops. Just the blue collar worker of the dino-world. Keeps his horns down and goes about his business, not afraid to scrap from time to time when the situation calls for it. All around good dude.  T-Rex just seemed like a bully out picking on everyone, but at the end of the day was probably just compensating for his tiny hands.

Well I guess fucking not. Guy wasn't king of the dinosaurs for nothing. Just popping his foods head off for sport. Makes me kinda like him more than the Triceratops. Yea there's something noble about rooting for the underdog, it's natural, we do it in sports all the time...In fact growing up I often thought of the Triceratops as Agassi and T-Rex as Sampras...and I hated Sampras. Just cold and calculating...no real emotion. Plus he was stuffing Ms. Vaughn which pissed me off even more.  So I always rooted for Agassi...but honestly, if Sampras had been as much of a boss as the T-Rex was? I'd have been his most loyal follower.

So there it is, I'm officially switching allegiances. I'm taking the T-Rex. It's like rooting for the most dominant boxer in his prime. It's really one of the only situations in sports I can think of where the majority roots for the favorite...and I guess that makes T-Rex the Tyson of the sporting world, which fits. Tyson compensated for that lisp and T-Rex is compensating for those dainty little girl hands.

Mass Judge Orders State to Hire Expert to Decide if Hairy Jailhouse Tranny is Entitled to Free Electrolysis

BOSTON (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) U.S. Chief Judge Mark Wolf ordered the state to hire an expert to decide whether or not a convicted murderer needs to receive electrolysis due to gender identity disorder. The Boston Globe reports that Judge Wolf handed down a six-page ruling on Wednesday which calls for the Department of Correction to hire someone who will determine whether or not electrolysis is medically necessary for Michelle Kosilek. The inmate's attorneys argue that hair removal is necessary as part of treatment for gender identity disorder. Michelle Kosilek lived as a man under the name Robert Kosilek when he strangled his wife to death in 1990. Judge Wolf recently ordered the state to fund Kosilek's sex change, but Gov. Deval Patrick has appealed the ruling and called for the surgery to be delayed during the appeal.

Hey Judge - Are you fucking kidding me here? Have a sac, man. I have no idea what this convicted tranny has on you but it must be something good...Not only do you rule that the state needs to pay for this dude's surgical transition to a woman (which I assume means snipping his dick?), but now you want the state to pay for an experts opinion on whether or not this dude should be entitled to free electrolysis, because you know, he'd be a pretty hair woman? Get the fuck out. Seriously, get the fuck out. I know you recently half retired, how about you do all us common sense, tax paying, non-murdering folks a favor and fully retire.

I mean you've got to be kidding me here. Just ordering more tax payer dollars for a study on something that is as simple as this: Are any of the other actual woman in jail entitled to free electrolysis? No? Ok then. There is your answer. You don't think Juanita with the mustache that just goes by Juan in cell block E wants electrolysis? Of course she does. Same with every other hairy bitch in there. Latino's and Italian women with mustaches and yetti arms, black women with sideburns...they all would take free hair removal, doesn't mean they're entitled to it.

So seriously, Judge Wolf, just get the fuck out of there. Stop costing the State money with your frivolous rulings. Go enjoy a round of golf or something like a normal retired wasp. Get yourself out of the tranny defending business. 

You Know Why Young People Don't Vote? Part 2

 

Pretty much sums it up. The video is from a pretty good site for young, politically minded people, voteourfuture.com, the problem is, most young people I know now and knew in college are going to watch this and just nod their heads at the cynnical messages, mainly because they're all true.

This sadly isn't going to get anyone to vote, isn't going to spur any change, it's just going to reaffirm every young voter/non-voter's position that their vote doesn't matter. When I was an dumb, idealistic kid in college I never understood that thought, didn't make sense. Of course your vote doesn't count if you don't actually go out and vote I remember saying. But now I get it. I still vote, but I don't disparage anyone that doesn't. I've come to grips with the fact that the only thing my vote is swaying is maybe a city council race or an Alderman election here or there...you know, real important shit. When it comes to real elections that matter I'm more than aware that those decisions are usually already swung by the time I vote, my single vote just can't compete against the Soros', Koch Brothers, and the talking heads of the CNN's and FOX News's of the world. The system is rigged. The best that can come of it is cynnical and somewhat humorous special interest group commercials and a free day off from school for kids if their school is their districts voting location.

Have You Watched the New American Horror Story

No? Well just as a teaser, this is what you missed, meet Pepper:

Attractive, right?

Brit Scientists Make Gasoline out of Thin Air

Fox News - Genius Brit engineers have pioneered a new technology that produces petrol – from air. Experts hailed the breakthrough as a potential “game-changer” as scientists seek to solve the world’s energy crisis. The small company from the north England has developed “air capture” technology which creates synthetic petrol with only air and electricity. Company chiefs say they have produced five litres of petrol in less than three months at a small refinery in Stockton-on-Tees, Teesside by removing carbon dioxide from the atmosphere...They now hope to build a large plant generating more than a tonne of petrol per day within two years – and a refinery size operation within the next 15 years.

Welp, Britain just won the world folks. Romney, Obama, thanks for coming out but you guys might as well flip a coin at this point, the British empire is about to rule us all...as long as this is real at least.

Like how isn't this bigger news? The Britains are now literally capable of making gasoline out of thin air, folks! That's a huge deal if its true. Shouldn't be buried beneath democrat/republican pissing contests and cute cat videos of the day. The only logical explanation as to why this isn't the single biggest story in the world is that it's simply not true. Either that or it's not as simple as it sounds, like it's not just air and electricity, it's something like air, electricity, and the blood of a couple's first born. Something crazy is going on here.