People Who Shop at Walmart- Stereotype Confirmed

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers, Special on Fat Back Bacon in Aisle 6

No real surprises here. No real chance of me breaking my consecutive days not shopping at Wal-Mart streak either, which coincidentally began they day I got a job after graduating from college. 

If Obama and the government are serious about rehabbing the worlds view of America then legislation needs to be drawn up immediately preventing any visiting foreigners from stepping within 1,000 feet of these degenerate breeding grounds.

Massachusetts and Deval Patrick Condone Drug Dealers? As Long as it's Not on School Grounds, Apparently

"I do not support crack dealing in the classroom!"

BOSTON—A proposal by Gov. Deval Patrick to shrink the drug-free zone around Massachusetts schools is drawing fire from police and prosecutors who say they need the 1,000-foot area and the tougher prison terms that go with it...Some law enforcement officials say the reduction would allow dealers to sell drugs very close to schools and would weaken strong drug laws passed during the 1980s crack cocaine scourge...Supporters of the smaller zone say that many of the people arrested are charged with dealing drugs in their own homes, during hours when schools are not in session and don't realize they are within 1,000 feet of a school.

Is anyone else as confused by this as me? Because I'm so puzzled I have no idea which side to support. Aren't illegal drugs just that, illegal? Can't we just lock up drug dealers regardless of their location?

Supporting the shrinking of the zone doesn't seem to make much sense since I'm pretty sure only drug dealers would be in favor of that. Who else is lamenting the poor criminal who inadvertently sold crack out of their den unaware that they were within 1,000 feet of a school? You still sold fucking crack, who gives a shit!

Then on the other hand you've got the law currently on the books which seems to implicate that selling crack outside of the 1,000 foot zone isn't all that important.  Which again doesn't make any sense, because YOU'RE SELLING FUCKING CRACK!

Wake up Deval Patrick.  I think you have a few tougher issues to deal with instead of spending your time drawing arbitrary lines for where it is and isn't ok to deal crack.  How the hell did this guy get re-elected.

Professor Gets Revenge Pissing on Rival Professors Door

The Smoking Gun - Meet Tihomir Petrov. The California college professor is facing a pair of misdemeanor counts for allegedly urinating on the office door of a Cal State Northridge colleague with whom he was feuding. The alleged urination occurred on December 3, according to a Los Angeles Superior Court complaint (excerpted here) filed against the 43-year-old math professor. A hidden camera reportedly captured Petrov relieving himself on the unidentified professor’s door in Santa Susana Hall.

This guy's got no one to blame but himself.  If I had a dollar for every time I pee'd on someone's personal belongings because of a vendetta I wouldn't be wasting my time searching for potential advertisers for this blog, but you don't see me in legal trouble.  It's a simple scotch free crime when carried out properly.

This guy's troubles stem from carrying out his act in the hallway of a public building.  This is wrong on so many levels. First, its a public hallway, if some student walks by while you're doing this you're looking at indecent exposure and being forced to register as sex offender, this would seriously hamper your game as the cool professor who parties with students and hooks up with unsuspecting drunk co-eds. Second, everyone knows public hallways tend to be monitored, its common sense. And thirdly, what good does that even do? Oh I'll show him, pee on his door and have it drip down to the carpet.  All you're doing is punishing the cleaning crew bro, you gotta think. 

All three of those issues could have been handled by simply stepping inside the door, now you're in a private office, away from students and security cameras. Better yet you have a chance to piss on items your enemy is actually going to use. Personal items, chairs, keyboards, you name it, all better than a public door.

My choice?  Should have went for one of the visitor chairs in the guys office.  Soon as the professor's next visitor sits in a stagnant pool of piss you've won the feud.  He'll know he's been set up, but good luck proving it to the unsuspecting visitor with yellow stained pants that now thinks their teacher uses guest chairs as their personal restrooms.  Guy will be fired by the end of the day with no legal ramifications for you to deal with. 

Mom Brings Kids Along for Bank Robbery

My Fox Boston - A Georgia woman, her teenage son and two other teens were arrested Friday after robbing a bank together, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported.  Simmons pointed a handgun at a Wells Fargo bank teller, accompanied by two of the teenagers, with the third waiting outside in a getaway car. Lilburn Deputy Chief of Police Bruce Hedley said Friday that Simmons had checked the three teenagers out of school just before the robbery... Simmons and the three teens were arrested after a chase with police that ended with their getaway car driving into an embankment and crashing into railroad tracks.

At least they were making an attempt to take part in family activities.  What's that old saying? Families that heist together, get jail time together? Is that it?

In my eyes the mother only made one foolish mistake, never put an inexperienced driver behind the wheel of the getaway car.  The kid had what 1 year tops of driving experience?  That's just bad parenting.  You've got to know the  limitations of your children, know how much they can be pushed, or when they need a helping hand.  This kid clearly would have been a better trigger man or bag man, let him learn the tricks of the trade for a few years before putting the pressure of freedom on him.  Any teen can point a gun, bark commands and fill a sack with cash, it takes skills and ice water veins to lead your family and loved ones through a high speed pursuit.  You're telling me the kind of mom who calls her kids out of school sick to commit class 1 felonies doesn't have a trailer trash type boyfriend who was born to be a wheel man?

Is it Offensive to be Fascinated by Little People?

Boston Herald - Thousands of people were expected this weekend at the Motorcycles, Midgets and Mayhem show at the Seaport World Trade Center in Boston, but advocates for little people are frustrated by the mockery they say the event promotes. “People of short stature wrestling — I just find it hard to believe that people come to watch it for the sport of it,” said Barbara Spiegel, director of the New England chapter Little People of America. “That they have the m-word in it, it draws a certain crowd.” Steve “Puppet” Richardson, wrestler and founder of Half Pint Brawlers, said the audience takes them seriously. “Nobody uses (the word midget) as a hateful term,” he argued.

Who does Barbara Spiegel think she is? Just running around spreading her hate speech and discrimination against little people.  Little people have as much a right to promote and organize sanctioned bouts as people of average height do. Who is she to violate their consitutionally protected right to non-discrimination and deny them the career opportunity of their choice? 

It's not like we're talking about pitting half-pints against professional UFC fighters for our entertainment.  These are fair and balanced fights. People watch them for the same reason they watch any boxing or MMA match, we're naturally drawn to the primal brutality in the pursuit of claiming alpha-dog status.  Hell I used to watch midget wrestling with my grandparents back when I was 4 or 5 years old.  This isn't anything new.

And what certain crowd does the "M-word" draw?  Who uses the term midget as a hateful term? Last I checked we weren't talking about a group of people who were enslaved and forced into manual labor against their will for centuries. 

In fact I don't think I've ever heard anyone claim they hate midgets.  Everyone I've ever encountered loves little people.  Is there an odd fascination? Sure, but it's not hateful or mean spirited. It comes from a curiosity due to lack of exposure, I'm pretty sure.  Why do you think random midget TV shows on AE, Spike and Animal planet have been popping up and succeeding?  No one's running around trying to snatch up and auction off little people for their services, its just a curiosity into a way of life that hasn't been popularly documented or understood to this point.

And I for one take the half-pint brawlers very seriously. I'm fairly certain 90% of them could kick my ass, and that's without me fighting from my knees.

Celtics Kick Lakers in the Mouth, Does it Mean Anything?

Matt Damon, Smiling at C's Victory or Lakers Erection?

 LOS ANGELES—Paul Pierce says the Boston Celtics had no reason to discuss their heartbreaking loss in Game 7 of the NBA finals last summer before they returned to Staples Center on Sunday. With a spectacularly fluid performance on offense against the outclassed Lakers, Pierce and the Celtics showed some things just don't need to be said out loud. "It's another game, but it was definitely an emotional game, especially because we lost Game 7 here," said Pierce, who dueled down the second-half stretch with Bryant. "It feels good to come back in this building and get a win."

This is presumably going to be the talk of the office for most guys today.  The Celts walking into LA, at basically full strength, and and spitting in Pau Gasol's eye (no offense you just look like someone who's been spit in the eye a few times). 

Some of you'll undoubtedly feel tempted and swayed by loud mouth sports anchors that this exacted some measure of revenge for blowing game 7 of last years championship. I'm hear to warn you this would be the wrong approach to take, and could result in a lack of promotions and blacklisting if any of your bosses are actual sports fans and overhear such stupidity.

The fact that this is the first time I've really thought about or discussed the C's at length since that day (as it is for some of you I'm sure) should be enough to help gauge the meaningfulness of the two games.

Did it feel nice to see them walk in and get the victory, absolutely. They showed the desire and swagger I hoped for, but Pierce said it best "It's another game, but it was definitely an emotional game, especially because we lost Game 7 here."  The fact is, it was a regular season game, and no regular season game can make up for the  nearly unspeakable blown lead of last years championship game.

As much as the thought of Kobe angrily cursing out his teammates after the game comforted me when I went to sleep last night it's important to keep your exuberance in perspective.  Remember two things: One, it's a still a long time until June, and two, no banners were raised and no rings were won after yesterdays game.  We're not Jet's fans, lets all act like we understand the difference between the regular season and the championship today. 

And someone get Matt Damon for an interview and ask him what he was smiling about, that's going to bother me all day.

Pay Back for Credit Card Junk Mail

Picture originally posted here

While spending my Sunday sorting through bills, junk mail, and credit card offers and I began thinking there has to be a better way to deal with unwanted solicitations than simpling ignoring them and tearing them up, so I Googled it.

Apparently the good folks of the Internet have been working on this problem for a while, with the above being the best solution to date.

Alt-Tabs of the Week

Drug Smugglers Create Weed Firing Catapult - Drug smugglers trying to get weed across the U.S./Mexico border are getting even more creative than simply loading watermelon trucks with marijuana.  Actual video of the Catapult in action here.

This is what happens when criminals start watching educational programs such as Pumpkin Chunkin on Discovery. I just pray to God they've never seen an episode of Myth Busters, who knows what diabolical ideas they'd be able to cultivate from that show.

How Porn is Changing Our Lives - We believe that porn is the equivalent of professional wrestling: phony and superficial. It’s like subsisting on a junk-food diet of Gummi bears and Gatorade when you could be having a gourmet meal.

Don't worry, its a CNN link, nothing raunchy.  Basically he comes to the conclusion that porn is making men fat and dysfunctional.  I think this may be a bit of a chicken and the egg thing here, are they fat and dysfunctional because they like porn? Or do they like porn because they're dysfunctional and fat.

Florida Sheriff Bans Hood Rats from the Force - This morning, a new policy was read off at Broward Sheriff's Office roll call: Deputies are no longer allowed to have visible tattoos, piercings, or gold teeth.

Apparently this is a big problem in Broward County? Police officers rolling with do-rags, grilles and fronts? I don't blame the Sheriff's department at all.  It may be profiling, but if I see someone with Gold Fronts and tats up their arms and necks I usually just assume they'd mug me without a second thought, I don't care what kind of uniform you're wearing.


Baseball Player Walks Away from Guranteed 12 Million Dollar Contract - Meche -- who signed a five-year, $55 million contract with the Royals before the 2007 season -- decided to walk away from the game, and millions of dollars, due to shoulder problems.  "When I signed my contract, my main goal was to earn it. Once I started to realize I wasn't earning my money, I felt bad. I was making a crazy amount of money for not even pitching. Honestly, I didn't feel like I deserved it.  Making that amount of money from a team that's already given me over $40 million for my life and for my kids, it just wasn't the right thing to do

Wow, Gil Meche needs to be signed up as the financial advisor for all players in American Professional Sports.  Not for walking away from $12 million, that was dumb (honest, but dumb all the same).  But for implying that $40 million is enough for himself and his kids to live on.  See what happens when you don't have to support an entourage of Mookie, Ray-Ray's, Talib's, and don't spend your off season paying for strippers college educations?

Signs For Stress in College Freshmen Sounds Alot Like Alcoholism

Excessive drinking may be lead to changing sleeping patterns.

LA Times - We now know that more college freshmen are reporting high levels of stress -- they've told us so. And this could be a warning sign of bigger problems down the road...For college students, though, Ulifeline.org lists these symptoms:

--Changes in sleep and eating patterns.
--Increased frequency of headaches.
--Increased levels of frustration and anger.
--Being more irritable than normal.
--Frequent muscle aches and/or tightness.
--Being more disorganized than usual.
--Increased difficulty in getting things done.

Umm, yea, I think your child is just experiencing the life of a drunk for the first time, maybe tell Johnny-SixPack and Susie-Smirnoff to cut down on the sauce and everything should be fine, maybe take them to an AA class or two if you feel its really necessary.  

Me? I'd probably tell them to suck it up, you're practically an adult. Better get used to it now, in a few years you won't be able to take naps to cure those hangovers, and your precious winter and summer breaks are going to be over.  I'd offer to switch places with any college freshmen right now if they felt their life is too hard.  You're never going to have less responsibility than you do right now, enjoy it and quit bitching.  The poor me, emo, depressed and angsty routine ends when you leave high school.  It's time to have fun and enjoy yourself the last few years of your youthful-ignorance life, because after college its all over.  You've been warned.

Guarding Your Baby from Baby Snatchers

(CNN) -- Three weeks ago, while recovering in the hospital after giving birth to a baby girl, Rena Jones was amped up and on guard. "I didn't sleep for a whole 72 hours, because I was nervous thinking somebody was going to come again to take my baby."  If you've ever walked the floor of a maternity ward it's clear that security is intense: time-delayed door locks, controlled access panels, closed-circuit television monitoring, matching numbered ID bands for moms and their babies, electronic infant-bracelet alarms. 

Just curious, does CNN think that the people who need to read this are actually reading the news?  Because my bets are the kind of people who would do things such as "leave their baby alone," or mistook the random person offering to "fluff your pillow" as a nurse are probably mowing down cheeto's and watching Maury or TMZ right now.  Either that or they're just finishing up 5th period English class. 

Because I'm fairly certain normal people are being kept awake at night with nightmares about baby snatchers. It's an illogical fear.  Who would snatch a baby? It's like stealing a bill for $200k and paying it off for no reason.  Sleepless nights, poopy diapers and 18+ years or financial dependency, yea I'm sure people are just lining up to risk a felony for that. 

Mammoth Scaffolding Gets Right to the Point

No beating around the bush with Mammoth Erection Scaffolding, they'll get in, get up, and get out in a safe and profession manner.  No job is too small for Mammoth Erection.

Breast Feeding Flash Mobs In Canada

AOL News - Canada is up in arms about breast-feeding and whether it's really OK to do it in public. And with the help of blogs and Facebook, angry moms are taking it to the streets -- or to the mall, in this case. About a hundred mothers in Montreal staged a "nurse-in" protest at a downtown shopping complex last week, breast-feeding simultaneously before a curious crowd of reporters, mall security guards and passers-by. The event was retribution, they said, for a store that had thrown out a mother for breast-feeding earlier this month. "I think that, basically, you should be able to do it anytime and anywhere," said Frances Moxant, 40, as she fed the youngest of her four children. "Even my parish priest tells us to go ahead and do it in church. Jesus was breast-fed -- he wasn't bottle-fed. So it's definitely all right."

Anyone notice how Canada has seemingly been unfazed by everything that's been going on in the world the last few years? Is this all those hosers have to debate about, breast feeding? I guess maple syrup, plaid, and clean crisp air are just recession proof industries, eh?

In all seriousness, breast feeding isn't the issue here for me, the issue is this:

Smith left humiliated. But her embarrassment quickly turned to anger, so the next day she created a blog, breastfortheweary.com... With just the one post, the blog quickly started gathering hits -- almost 7,000 so far. A day later, a Facebook group had been created to organize the nurse-in for Jan. 19.

7000 hits since January 6th! What the hell am I doing wrong over here? This has been our best month yet and we just cracked 3,000. This woman is crushing us because she has breasts and can whip them out in public.  That's biologically unfair. The Tab's has been behind the 8-ball the whole time.  Organizing Facebook Flashmobs? I can't even crack 20 on our fan page.  A supposed financial advice columnist who hasn't given out any advice, and a gambling picks blogger who gives away his picks on twitter.  This place needs to start picking up some more support or I'm going to sell out and start pandering to bored breast feeding house wives, apparently that's a golden demographic.

3rd Grader Finds Sexual Graphic Novel in Library

Sadly it wasn't the Book of Love from American Pie

Fox News - Calvin McHenry checked out a graphic novel from the Hebron Heights Elementary School library in Parkland, Fla., and found a story he did not expect to read.   The book is called "Tank Girl One," a series about a pilot turned outlaw with a drinking problem who is often prone to violence and routinely finds herself in raunchy sexual situations. McHenry's mother, Michelle, described the images in the book saying: "There was guns to heads, girls with girls, alcohol, sexual things that are just really, really bad." The school board said the book arrived by mistake as part of a large shipment for the new library that contained over 7,000 books. The wrong book was even labeled with that title. The book originally ordered by the school is called "Tank Talbot, A Guide To Girls."

Back in my days of elementary and middle school this would have just cemented Calvin's claim to coolest kid in school all the way through the 8th grade.  The first person to find a Playboy or come across a black market bootlegged VHS of Pam Anderson always had bragging rights, it was just a natural status symbol.  Today? That's literally childs play.

I think the mom can calm down a bit.  An adult graphic novel? Come on kid step your game up.  Have you heard of the internet? Killing and kissing? Amateur hour, wait till this kid hears about Two Girls One Cup and Cake Farts.  Just wait until you sign up for your first e-mail account, Calvin.  Can't be long now, how young do kids get those these days? 4th, 5th Grade?

By the way, I don't think "Tank Talbot, A Guide to Girls" sounds any better.  Don't know what the school board is trying to pull but I'm fairly certain that's a running series on Skinnemax.

Oh, Would You Look At This (Vid Inside)

How crazy is the car owner? Because to me he clearly wasn't in on this little joke but still went right along with it.  Probably the first human contact he's had in months. 

Scarier still, where the hell are they?  What are two grown men doing parked, hanging out in the middle off the woods?  These guys don't look dressed for jogging or any kind of work out, my want to alert law enforcement to some suspicious activity.  Just call them and tell them to come down and take a look...

Top Websites Blocked By Businesses in 2010

Huffington Post - Cyberslacking can be a real drag on companies. The solution for many firms seems to be to simply block the websites on which they believe their employees will waste the most time. Studies have shown social media to be a major time sink, as well online games and personal email. Take a look at the slideshow below to see if your favorite sites are among the most blocked by companies. Which sites do you see that you think shouldn't have made this list? 

10. Ebay, 9. Meebo, 8. Ad.Yieldmanager, 7. Orkut, 6. Hotmail.com 5. Twitter, 4. ad.doubleclick.net, 3. Youtube, 2. Myspace, 1. Facebook

Not that I think this study is completely wrong, for the most part its about what I expected to see, couple of spammy pop-up servers, and your usual social network sites (though I wonder how long Myspace will need to be on this list, I assumed only perverts and convicted felons hung out there these days, just figured a company wouldn't hire you if you were the kind of person that liked Myspace).

A couple of exceptions though, what the hell are Meebo and Orkut? And what are they protecting us from exactly?  Orkut I've figured out is a google social network that is apparently only popular in Brazil? Is that right?  Good thing they blocked that, I've got a ton of people in Sao Paulo I've been trying to catch up with...

Meebo is even more puzzling. I guess it's a type of instant messenger, though after 2 minutes of google searching I'm still not sure (that's my limit, if I can't figure something out through google in 2 minutes then its probably not worth knowing).  I'm not quite sure what office admins are worried about here as I thought only 13-17 year olds used instant messenging programs...the rest of us gainfully employed people have smart phones.

How did a porn site or two not make this list? Do companies block these or is it some sort societal assumption that workers won't get their freak on during office hours?

By the way, the Number One time waster in my office, by far, ESPN.  Know why this isn't blocked? Because all the male bosses wouldn't be able to get through their day with out a sports article or too.

Jay-Z and Will Smith To Remake Broadway Hit, Annie

USA Today - It's official: Jay-Z is teaming with Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, along with some other folks, to form a joint venture to develop and produce movies.Their first project will be a "re-imagination of the classic Broadway musical Annie ,as a vehicle for Willow Smith," according to an announcement by Overbrook Entertainment, the Smith's company.  Willow Smith, who probably isn't all that familiar with a hard-knock life, is already signed to Jay-Z's record label, Roc Nation, which produced her first hit single titled Whip My Hair. Jay-Z previously sampled the classic Annie song It's the Hard Knock Life in his chart-busting single Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem).

Nepotism, not just for white people anymore.  The fact that I didn't even know Will Smith had a daughter, yet news that she'd be starring in this film didn't even make me blink.  My mind just kinda said "oh, that figures" and moved right along.

I'm more curious about how drastic this "re-imagination" is going to be.  Is it going to be all urban, like this time Annie is named Aniequa or Anniesha, and instead of leaving behind a life in the foster home she's dreaming of leaving behind life in a crack den in inner-city Baltimore for a life growing up with a rich rapper father figure?

Does anyone know if they've contacted mini-me and Dr. Evil to reprise their duet for the soundtrack to this film?

By the way, Will, I change the channel every time that "Whip My Hair" song comes on...I guess the apple does fall far from the tree every now and then.  I'm going to continue to pretend I don't know she's your daughter as not to tarnish my memory of you.

Walgreens Selling Their Own Brand of Beer

Walgreen Co. has quietly rolled out a private label brew. The product, Big Flats 1901, will carry a suggested retail price of $2.99 for a six-pack of cans and $11.49 for a 24-pack, the company said...“In just the first few weeks of sales consumer feedback has been very positive, as beer drinkers across the U.S. are thrilled to have such a quality brew at a value price,” Kathleen Burns, senior marketing manager at Novato, Calif.-based Winery Exchange said in a statement.

Brilliant move by Walgreens. I can't help but wish, however, that Kathleen Burns hadn't beat around the bush and had come right out and stated what their real plan is:

"In just the first few weeks of sales consumer feedback has been very positive, vagabonds and indigents across the US are thrilled to have quality swill for a price affordable on a dumpster diving budget"

 What better way to take advantage of a prolonged recession than by offering a dirt cheap beer to the alcohol businesses best customers, homeless drunks.  Sure Keystone and Natty-Light are cheap enough during regular times, but times are tough right now.  With more and more foreclosures each day the competition for recyclable cans is tougher than ever, $13 for a 30-rack of beer is just too rich for most bums blood...alcohol that is.  

Your Grandparents are Still Paying for AOL

PC Mag - Today, AOL has just 4 million subscribers. But here is the kicker—those people are still paying. AOL.com, of course, is free. It used to be a pay service, but has been free for years. You can access the AOL.com, read all of its content, and check your aol.com e-mail without paying a dime. If you already pay for an account, however, AOL will continue to bill you. And evidently, that makes AOL a LOT of money. What's more, Auletta estimates that these subscriber revenues generate 80% of the AOL's profit. How much is that? In the third quarter of last year these suspect subs generated about $244 million! All because AOL subscribers don't know they don't have to pay anymore.

This can't be. I'm not mad that they may be scamming old people and idiots alike, thats common practice and I don't have time to look down disapprovingly on every company or person that scams old people for financial gain, it would be exhausting.

My issue is that I haven't received one of those fancy CD-Rom discs in years, despite the fact that the business is still running. I honestly just figured AOL was just AOL.com now, didn't realize they still provided service.  I used to check the mail every day waiting to see if a new version of AOL had come out.  I'd run into the house and install that shit and then troll around chat rooms acting superior to everyone who hadn't upgraded yet (yea I was living in fast times back then). The only thing that sucked was I usually had to re-download all my punters. If you're reading this AOL send me a goddamn disc, you're missing out on a potential customer.

Man Stands Down Water Cannon In Egypt (video inside)

Is this the kind of technology we're up against over there in the Arab world? A school bus fitted with a water cannon and citizens armed with rocks?  Remind me again why we haven't just colonized the Middle East as of yet?  

The police at UMass used to bring out heavier artillery any time the Redsox were in the playoffs, using gas and bean bag guns, and that didn't stop the students from flipping cars and tearing down light posts.  I fail to see what is so impressive about standing up to a Super-Soaker.  Inner-city kids play with open fire hydrants for fun in the summer.  How is what this guy is doing any different?

Boston Area Snow Budgets Already Broke?

Pretty soon this is all local cities and towns will be able to afford.

Boston Globe - As forecasters predict between up to 10 inches of snow between this afternoon and tomorrow, Peabody has almost reached it's budget capacity for snow removal, the town's Department of Public Services director said. The city has spent all but $20,000 of the $540,000 budgeted for this winter's snow removal, said Robert Langley, Peabody's public services director. "We've had so much snow, we basically took up about a year's worth the budget," Langley said.

Look, I just don't get this. Who is running the budgets in the cities around here? And don't give me that crap about we've already had so much snow, its the same shit every year.  The only difference is cities and towns are running this story in January this year instead of a week or two into February.  Same story every year.

This is New England people.  You did grow up here right? Maybe you want to budget for more than 2 or 3 freaken snow storms?  Snow doesn't just stop falling because we're in a recession. It's almost as if the people running these budgets have no financial planning or accounting background at all. 

What makes it worse is that you know the Mayor of Boston is going to be on tv tonight urging all "non-essential" employees to stay home tomorrow (Menino included, guy has a hard enough time not falling down when its a dry sunny day, never mind throwing snow into the equation).  So cities and town are taking a double whack, paying for snow removal, and paying for all the lazy government workers to stay home sipping hot chocolate and watching Maury. 

Well here is an idea, instead of paying them to stay home, how about taking the days salary of anyone who doesn't show up and putting it towards the snow removal fund.  Still not mandatory for them to work, but don't pay them if they choose not to.  This is the real world and they're adults.  I went to college, got a good job in the private sector and I still have to work on snow days, I don't think its too much to expect the guy GED equivalency degree that works the toll booth to show up to work in the snow.  You're already vastly over paid and have a better retirement fund than I'll ever have, you can handle shoveling out your car and commuting to work. 

Social Media Creates Higher Work Productivity? Yea and Smoking Breaks Help Too

If you want to see the full sized graphic click on it

 Soshable - Do 54% of businesses have it wrong? The majority believe that allowing your employees to visit social media sites like Facebook and Twitter while at work will decrease productivity. Apparently, they’re absolutely wrong...Depending on which study you look at (and there are several that yield opposite conclusions) you can make a case for either side. We’re sticking with this one from SocialCast, probably because it looks really nice and the facts make sense. Before you dismiss it, think about it. If employees are allowed to relax a bit at work and stay on top of their social profiles, they time they spend doing work should increase in efficiency.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love if someone shared this with management at my job, but I don't think its 100% accurate.  

Of course workers are going to say they're more productive if you ask them.  We lie through our teeth all the time.  How could me spending even more time on the internet than I already do increase my productivity?  As of now I'm strictly on a 10 mins on, 10 mins off work schedule. If they allowed me access to Facebook all bets are off. I'd waste more time than your average smoker employee taking 12 breaks a day to work on their cancer development.

I'm productive and all, but there is no way I'm at my peak productiveness with all the browsing I do, and that's without Twitter and Facebook.  

I can't even imagine how much less work I'd get done if I didn't have to take a cover-ops style trip to the stair well or bathroom stall every time I wanted to tweet a new blog from my phone.  Its like a Bourne Supremacy drill, in and out in 3 minutes before anyone knows I'm gone. I think people are starting to get curious about who the guy is that occupies the stall but doesn't wipe or flush though...

Defendant Tells Judge and Jury to "Suck My Dick"

Village Voice - "With all due respect, and from the bottom of my heart, suck my dick!" That was the message convicted killer Zaire Paige had for Brooklyn Supreme Court Justice Vincent Del Giudice yesterday afternoon as he was sentenced to four consecutive 25-to-life sentences that will keep him behind bars for at least 107 years.   "This whole trial, y'all been sucking' each other off. I'm sorry I didn't get my dick sucked," Paige said when Del Giudice asked him if he had any statement to make. "Whatever happened to y'all, it's bad," he said to the victims, who included a couple of women who were in the salon and were hit by stray gunfire. "But I don't feel sorry 'cause I didn't do it."

At least he said with all due respect though...

Wow, with apologies to "The Merchant of Death," I think we just found the new title holder for the biggest bad ass on earth title. 

And I kind of respect Zaire.  Not for murdering people, that wasn't a great choice, but for sticking to his guns (distasteful pun?).  Too often criminals go back on their hard line stance once they've been sentenced. Praying for forgiveness, promising to find a higher power, pleading for solitary confiment to avoid a life of sodomy.  Not Zaire. This guy is begging for a dick sucking.  I guess you can't blame him, sitting through the whole trial watching everyone else suck each other off, its enough to make anyone snap out of jealousy.

And yea, people usually sit silently through the victim statement, or offer apologies.  But I'd prefer Zaire's honesty.  If someone just murdered my relative I'd want to hold that hatred in my heart.  I don't want the responsibility of forgiving some ass hole because he's promised to find god.  Fuck that, I'd rather hate you for the despicable human being that you are.  Thank you Zaire, for a refreshing taste of  honesty, and for playing the role of the villain in a world full of pussies.

Pope Says Not Everyone Has Right to Be Married...Even Straight People

First action as Pope CEO, get him some business cards

Politicus USA - Making a speech on January 22, 2011 to the Roman Rota, which is the tribunal within the Vatican that decides marriage annulments, Pope Benedict XVI said that “no one can make a claim to the right to a nuptial ceremony.”  The problem, of course, is annulments, those little pronouncements that make a marriage as if it had never been. The Pope feels too many are being granted, especially in the United States (in 2006 the U.S. alone had more annulments than every other country combined). Therefore, priests must do a better job to make sure people are ready to be married and “qualified” I suppose one would say, for nuptials. 

Gee, you'd think during a time where Catholic church going numbers are dwindling by the day the Pope would be all about throwing religious parties and bringing his strays back to the flock, guess he's chosen to go a different route though. 

I'm pretty sure at this point the church needs to bring in a hired CEO consultant of sorts to help them out on the business end of things.  I'm no expert but I'm fairly certain insulting people and refusing to provide services is no way to endear yourself to potential customers, and that's really how this needs to be looked at. Churches are closing at a rapid pace, I'd think pushing marriage licenses on people would be the plan.  Collect for the marriage upfront and then collect on the back end for the annulment.  That's a nice guaranteed 50% cash flow based current divorce statistics. 

The church, by and large, is selling a service.  They're selling morality, inner peace, and entrance to heaven.  It may be taboo or outdated to say that, and maybe the church doesn't go around broadcasting this like it used to back in the days of tithing but it's still very  much the case.  You're always going to have a religious core to attend your services and spread your gospel, but you've lost the majority of the public who were just looking for a nice convenient way to ensure an eternity of bliss.  A few bucks in the collection plate, an envelope of cash for performing a few religious services (marriage included) and an eternity of ice cream, pizza and couch potato activities (yes I'm lazy even in heavenly fantasies).  

You want me back? Start charging an entrance fee (come on, too many people go and just conveniently pass the donation plate without dropping in their share, collect that fee up front), get some comfortable couches in there (who sits on wooden benches? what am I, Amish?)  Throw up a big screen in the back with a ticker scrolling random bible passages, made up statistics about heaven, and sports scores and you've got me back. 

Until then I'll continue to enjoy sleeping in on Sunday.

Ed Hardy Wine

Well this seems like a horrible marketing idea.  I mean, who is the target audience? Juice heads and douche bags don't drink wine, it's all goose and juice or Heinekens for those meat heads.  

And it's not like I'm in any rush to run out and buy this shit.  Sure I drink wine, and I do buy the cheap $9-$12 Yellow Tail stuff.  But I'm not about to compromise my morals and switch to this swill just to own a designer label, no thanks bro.  Plus, look at that price, $6.99? Has the shit even fermented yet? Or is it just grape juice with a mix of vodka?

So who does that leave? Chics?  Chics don't buy their own alcohol.  At least not the kind that would be into Ed Hardy designer wine.  They already spent all their money on trashy clothes, collagen inserts, pounds of makeup, and hair extensions.

Good luck Ed, I think those bottles will be on the shelf for a long time.

United States of Shame

If hysterical stereotypes are your kind of funny, you should check out Pleated-Jeans complete United States of Shame map and list.  Some of them are fairly obvious, Massachusetts has the worst drivers, NY has the worst daily commute, South Carolina leads the league in mobile homes, Nevada is the king of porn useage and Wisconsin is the Binge Drinking Capital of the world.  But once you get beyond the obvious there are some real gems.

Some of the my favorites include:

Colorado- Highest Per Capita of Cocaine use. What?  You could have given me 35 guesses as to which state had the highest useage rates of cocaine and I wouldn't have gotten to Colorado.  Thought CO was full of outdoorsmen and extreme sports fanatics, mixed with a healthy dose of "Life Is Beautiful" hippies.  Though I guess when you get right down to it, it's probably the easiest place to stash the booger sugar.  The authorities ever hassle anyone I'm sure you dump it right in the snow and the investigation is over.  Stuff blends right in.  

Louisiana - Gonorrhea. Yikes, crossing Louisiana off my list of places to go.  There is nothing worse than worrying that the toilet seat you're sitting on is going to give you a leaky dick.  Or wondering if the guy that held the bus handle before you had washed his hands (he's riding a bus, chances are he didn't).  

Washington- Beastiality.  Well I guess someone had to take the lead right?  My question is, is just a lot of man-dog loving, or are we talking farm animals too?

North Dakota- Ugliest state, which is probably why they all choose to live in isolation.

Texas and Maine - I'm not sure how they drew the line between fewest High school graduates and Dumbest state, but one thing seems painfully clear, bordering Mexico or Canada leads to poor education.  

Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia - My favorite three state run of unhealthiness.  Or as the map titles them, Obesity, Strokes, and "Most Sickly."  All those in favor of just giving the deep south to Haiti vote Aye.  AYE!

Late Start Today

Does CW need to crack the whip on his contributors?

Working from home today, not my usual punctual self. Even better I woke up to see that the Maestro's handing out free gambling advice on Twitter.  Not a big deal, he gives out gambling advice here too, the big deal is he actually won.  

Yea, I'm as outraged as all you are.  I see this tweet last night:

@Mazz33 

Unranked Marquette is laying 5 to 5th ranked UConn tonight. People are aware of this, right?

 Now I'm thinking, well that's ok,  maybe he's just sparing my readers another vicious bad beat...nope.  Uconn safely covered by 8. Great.

So that's what I'm dealing with, a gambling advice blogger that is like 1-5 in his published picks, and to my knowledge is like 12-2 on his unpublished that he tweets strangers and spam followers.  

How are we supposed to start an empire on that? Do I have to start cracking the whips? Have T-Shirts made up shaming him into blogging? Is running a blog really this complicated?

We Need A #Trending Topic for White People on Twitter

This past weekend's top trending twitter topic, #becauseimblack, got me thinking, how come white people don't have trending topics? And even more glaring, how come I'm the only white person I ever see posting to hash tag (#) topics on twitter? I feel like the lone white guy in Dave Chapelle's Mad Real World skit (pictured above), every time I check out a trending topic on twitter. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely grateful for being able to reach a new audience that would otherwise miss out on my suburban, corporate office style of humor, but every now and then I wish I saw a hysterical Caucasian topic trending with culturally related jokes that I can relate too, its not too much to ask.

So here you go,  I'm going to start a caucasian based hash tag and see if we can get this baby trending by the end of the day...And I'll really be crossing my fingers that this doesn't turn into some sort of cyber web Klan meeting, this aint about being racist, just a plea for like minded comedy. 

The tweeting topic is #youknowyourewhitewhen ....have at it, spread the word, lets see if we can get this on the US Trends by the end of the day.

Sean Parker Says Social Network "Fiction" Thanks Captain Obvious

(Mashable) -- Napster co-founder and Facebook founding president Sean Parker lashed out at the movie "The Social Network" at a conference in Europe Sunday, calling it "a complete work of fiction." "The part of the movie that frustrated me is actually the scene at the end where the character played by Justin Timberlake -- who happens to have my name -- basically writes a check to Eduardo -- who I'm also, I consider Eduardo a friend of mine, and I'm one of the few people at Facebook who still interacts with Eduardo -- and throws it in his face and has security escort him out of the building.

Question, why go out of your way to make this announcement?  Justin Timberlake just played you in a movie.  You should be down on your knees thanking the grace of God for that casting decision.  The gay red head on ABC's Modern Family could have been just as easily cast as you and been more believable but by some fateful stroke of luck Justin Timberlake played you.  And you show your appreciation by describing his role as "The character played by Justin Timberlake, who happens to have my name"? Ouch, how about a little gratitude?

If I were a red headed geek (whether you're worth millions or not) I'd be running all around Hollywood telling everyone I meet that JT just depicted me in a film.  Embrace that super cool bad boy image, don't push it away, aside from money its the only thing you've got going for you.

Sleeping With Pets Can Lead to Sickness

Looks all sweet and cuddly, but then again, you didn't see him eating from your cats litter box 5 minutes ago.

USA Today - Sleeping alongside your pets can make you sick. It's rare, but it happens. That's why good hygiene means keeping Fluffy and Spot next to the bed, not on it, two experts in animal-human disease transmission say in a forthcoming paper. More than 60% of American households have a pet, and depending on the survey, 14% to 62% let their dogs and cats sleep with them. 

Umm, thanks for that.  I've seen my dog eat poo in my yard, catch and maul a rabbit,  lick every square inch of his body,and I'm fairly certain he can't distinguish between yellow snow and white snow when he's rolling around during play time. I'm pretty sure a study wasn't needed to figure out that sleeping with your pets may lead to health problems.  They're disgusting.  What other obvious health related items have you researched? Vitamins are good? Eating sugary junk food bad? Should I have gotten you to scientifically research my hand washing blog from yesterday?   

I'm sure a government grant was used to fund this study, just another waste of money.

50 Cent Shutsdown World Star Hip-Hop (Temporarily At Least)

HipHop DX - Hours after rival 50 Cent claimed he had the domain name seized, WorldStarHipHop.com is back online. In the midst of the popular Hip Hop site being offline, 50 Cent posted a series of Twitter messages claiming he was responsible for the outage. After various sources began reporting 50 reported the site to the Department of Homeland Security and/or Immigrations and Customs Enforcement, he backed away from his previous statements... The always-controversial 50 Cent is claiming responsibility for having the domain name WorldStarHipHop.com seized. In 2009, 50 was involved in a spat with WorldStar, after he filed a copyright infringement suit against the site, which directly competes with his own site, ThisIs50, and a number of other Hip Hop sites and blogs. During a 2009 interview with Atlanta’s DJ Greg Street, 50 said he hoped to tie WorldStar up in litigation long enough to make winning the battle irrelevant.

The Alt-Tab's favorite entrepeneur and financial advisor (all do respect to Pennypacker but the next bit of advice he actually publishes here will be his first) is back at it again.  Just blazing a trail and and showing me the way to prosperity.  First it was stock tips and now this, just ruthlessly tearing down his online competition.

Prior to this I had no idea people could just pull this shit? I assumed to run a successful website you had to be slightly entertaining, slightly controversial, and extremely lucky.  Who knew you could just attempt to sue your way to the top?  Let this be a warning shot to all our competition (whoever that may be, we don't really know yet), we're coming for you, and we're bringing our boy Jim Sokolove.

Taco Bells Beef Isn't Real Beef!? Shocking?

"Taco Bell, all the intestinal diseases, without actually flying to Mexico"

OC Weekly - "Taco Bell's advertisements that it sells 'beef' menu items containing 'seasoned ground beef,' is unsubstantiated, false and misleading. The Products, unbeknownst to consumers, are comprised substantially of meat filling and are mislabeled. Taco Bell's 'seasoned beef' actually contains, among other ingredients, water, 'Isolated Oat Product,' wheat oats, soy lecithin, maltodrextrin, anti-dusting agent, autolyzed yeast extract, modified corn starch and sodium phosphate, as well as beef and seasonings."

No offense or anything, but if you're gross enough to eat Taco Bell then I think you just have to shut up and take whatever they decide to stick in that .99 burrito.  You've already committed yourself to an afternoon spent in your company's bathroom with a vile case of the shits, I'm pretty sure realizing what they just fed you wasn't real meat is the least of  your problems.

People can't honestly believe they sell real meat at those prices right?  Didn't anyone wonder how they could afford to give you like 3 soft shell tacos, a coke and a side of twists for about $1.39?  A can of cat food costs more than anything on their value menu.  Keep that in mind next time you're rolling through the drive-thru.  Some Crazy old lady's cat is eating a better grade of meat than you are today. 

Worked An 11 Hour Day Yesterday, So Today Should be Fun

Well Folks, CW probably not going to bring his A game today, to work that is, I'd never let you guys down.  After being chained to my cube until 8:45 last night I was finally let free, only after I'd completed more work than Chinese Children in a sweatshop, bought stuff online out of boredom, and some how caught and incubated a cold all in one day.  

That other stuff is your average run of the mill day for CW in his life as a piddling corporate middle manager.  Its the last fact that's rather astounding.  I entered the building perfectly healthy in the morning, not even a sign of sickness, and remained in the building long enough to come in contact with cold spreading germs, have them incubate in my system, and finally present symptons at the end of the night.   

As a result it'll be a miracle if I make it through the whole day at the office today.  As of this morning I look like a walking victim of the plague.  Might be checking in with you guys from my couch for the rest of the day starting around noon, if not for my health than for the safety of everyone around me, because if my frigen printer jams once, computer freezes up, or I receive a few annoying phone calls, that's going to be me in the video to the right.  

Pay More When Don't Go To The Gym?

Boston Globe - Every year, we resolve to hit the gym more often and get fit. And by the end of January, many of us have missed workouts or given up altogether… According to Yifan Zhang, a 2010 graduate of Harvard College, part of the problem is that customers see gym membership fees as money spent, or “a sunk cost, especially if you pay at the beginning of the year.’’ That prompted the idea for Gym-Pact in Boston, which she created with Harvard classmate Geoff Oberhofer…  Gym-Pact negotiated a group rate with Planet Fitness, then paid the membership fees for participants, who in return for a free membership agreed to work out at least four times per week. If they fail to follow the schedule in any one week, the participants pay $25.

Typical Ivy League overachiever, not enough that she got into Harvard but now she's going to rub it into everyones face that she's healthier and goes to the gym more often than us too.  Thanks alot.  Who are you to critique how often I use my gym membership? Just because I've skipped the gym the last two January's because of all the New Years Resolution phonies doesn't mean I need you running around telling me I should pay more during those months (never mind all the other months in between that I also elected not to go, I just wasn't sure when the resolutions faze was going to end last year so I played it safe and just skipped it all together). 

In all seriousness though I'm shocked that the gyms are going along with this.  I've been to the Planet Fitness in Government Center which is one of the test sites for this little social program.  The place is a dump.  If they me I'd have to pay a $25 fee every time I felt like skipping my work out in squalor like conditions I'd laugh, rip up the contract and never come back.  The place is only $10 a month for a reason.  

I don't skip the gym because I view my fee as a sunk cost, I skip the gym because deep down at heart I'm lazy and would rather chill with a plate of fries watching tv or playing jeopardy than go get my sweat on next to juice heads and fatties wearing yoga pants.  I'd 100% just not sign up for the gym at all if this was the plan option put in front of me. 

You may be a bit smarter than me and in much better shape, but you're not tricking me into that contract.

Office Etiquette- Washing Your Hands At Work

Does my office need to come to this to get guys to wash their hands?

The fact that this is the third hand washing or bathroom related post on this blog is just a sad commentary on the state of hygeine with the men at my work place, but here we are.


We're right in the prime of cold season and that means, that while always gross and disturbing, not washing your hands at this time of the year is even more appalling than usual.  Normally I just consider you a filthy, vial human being, but during flu season? You're a terrorist, you might as well be conducting experiments in Bio-Weaponry. And it's not just the non-washers who draw my attention there are a few subsets of these office vagabonds:


1. The Non-Waher- by far the most disgusting of the bunch.  Lacking self respect and respect for those around you, you've decided that shaking hands with poo and piss particles parading on your palm is an acceptable way of life.  These people should be removed from society.  And don't give me that crap about having sanitizer back at your desk.  By the time you get there you've already touched the door knob and who knows how many other surfaces.


2. The Rinser- Likes to keep up appearances but in reality is just as dirty as The Non-Washer.  That luke warm water you just ran over your hands for 3.2 seconds didn't do squat. Touched upon here, these people bother me the most.  Not only are they filthy but they're liars about it too.  I'm not sure what social defects afflict these cretins so much that they can trick themselves into thinking they're hygenical people, but I'm not sticking around to find out.

3. The Non Hand Dryer- Filthy? No. Gross all the same, Yes.  This person takes all the proper hand washing steps and carries them out to a T, yet struggles to comprehend the concept of paper towels.  I'd understand this stance if we had those useless air drying machines, or old fashion papertowel dispensers that you had to touch.  But we don't. Our office has gone out of it's way to bring us one luxury item, and that item is the magical, hands free paper towel dispenser.  There is no excuse for making your fellow co-workers have to go through the traumitizing experience of opening the door only to find the handle is wet.  I can tell you from experience their is nothing worse than walking back to your desk praying that it was wet from a non hand dryer and not a non-washer or rinser.  Shit is disgusting and will play mind games with you until you can find a sanitizer dispenser.

Breaking News: Ikea Designs Stores as Mazes to Keep Customers In

Daily Mail - If you've ever found yourself hopelessly lost in an Ikea store, you were probably not alone. The home furnishing chain’s mazy layouts are a psychological weapon to part shoppers from their cash, an expert in store design claims. The theory is that while following a zig-zag trail between displays of minimalist Swedish furniture, a disorientated Ikea customer feels ­compelled to pick up a few extra impulse purchases...'In Ikea's case, you have to follow a set path past what is effectively their catalogue in physical form, with furniture placed in different settings which is meant to show you how adaptable it is,' he said.  'By the time you get to the warehouse where you can actually buy the stool or whatever's caught your eye, you're so impressed by how cheap it is that you end up getting it.'

So? Has anyone ever complained about having to go to Ikea? The place is a blast, its like the Caesars Palace of home goods and furniture stores.  Just exciting awesomeness around every corner.  Who cares if it takes me 4 hours, a lunch, a snack, and two bathroom breaks to navigate the entire store? And so what if I went there looking for a wine rack and came home with a rug, more wine glasses for the wine rack I still don't have, a shelf, and an ergonomic chair?  Like the article said, the stuff was dirt cheap, I'd be dumb not to get anything.  

Zig-Zag me all you want.  I'd love to get lost overnight, hell overnight probably wouldn't be enough. I'd need to get locked in there for like a solid week before I could pin down which room plans I liked best.  Probably just make my way around for the first few nights desperately trying to decide between various color schemes and different stylings of modern decor, capping off each night by crushing some Swedish meatballs in the cafe and running through the cool shit in the kids section that I've always wanted to try out but didn't because society would look down on me. 

America's Newest Drug Problem, Bath Salts?

ABC News - Increasingly, law enforcement agents and poison control centers say the advertised bath salts with complex chemical names are an emerging menace in several U.S. states where authorities talk of banning their sale...Sold under such names as Ivory Wave, Bliss, White Lightning and Hurricane Charlie, the chemicals can cause hallucinations, paranoia, rapid heart rates and suicidal thoughts, authorities say. The chemicals are in products sold legally at convenience stores and on the Internet as bath salts and even plant foods. However, they aren't necessarily being used for the purposes on the label...

Bath Salts? How the hell was this stumbled upon?  I always wonder how normal drugs and addictions take hold, like who first came up with whatever process transforms the coca plant to cocaine, or who the genius was that decided standing around the fire wasn't enough, they had to physically inhale the flame through wrapped paper. But this? This just takes it a step further.

What kind of warped decision making process is going on with the guy that decides huffing the contents of his Grandma's Bath and Body Works Gift Basket sounds like a fun Saturday night?  It's things like this that give me hope and despair for our country all at the same time.

On the one hand we have the kind of visionary minds that can transform every day bathroom products into a marketable item that are adopted at an epidemic like pace.  Obviously the downside being that we're allowing these luminaries of our generation to waste their time, methodically working their way through convenience stores, sniffing, smoking and injecting each product on the shelves.  

I believe its high time (see what I did there) that we give this special subset of gifted minds the funding and tools they need to put these skills to work...I'm sure we can earmark a portion of whatever number stimulus package we're up to these days for this.