Andy Garcia Was Born with Two Heads?

So I heard this wild rumor in passing the other day, probably watching TMZ or Extra or something like that, but I guess Andy Garcia is walking around telling people he was born with two heads? Like a legit second head just sitting on his shoulder. I couldn't believe it so I flicked over to his IMDB page and:

Was born as a conjoined twin. His twin was no bigger than a tennis ball and was surgically removed. All that remains is a scar on his shoulder.

 What in the hell? So this is true? And why am I just hearing about this now? Is this a new thing? Like those two conjoined girls get a reality show on TLC and all of a sudden having two heads is the new gay and everyone wants in?

Well screw that I'm not gonna be left behind, sitting here with one head like a chump, fake it til you make it is how I live my life...Now, does anyone have the number for Michael Scott's Papier Mache man?

Does This Look Like the Face of a French President Taxing Millionaires 75% Because "He doesn't Like Them"

Fox News - French citizens, those whose income is over one million euros, or just over one and a quarter million dollars, will soon be taxed at a rate of 75 percent. Many economists have said the rich tax will not do much to boost depressed state coffers because only 3,000 of France's 66 million citizens make over a million (euros), and that the move is just symbolic. In fact, the tax hike was the campaign promise many believe won the election for President Francois Hollande who has said he doesn't like the rich.

 What in the hell is going on over in France? That is insane...And regardless if you agree with his fiscal policy, you have to respect Francois Hollande, just straight up says he doesn't like the rich, gets elected, and then follows through with his plan to basically take all their money away. Ruthless.

He's not going around talking about hope, talking about building a better future, talking about economy building. He just doesn't like the rich and has set his mind to do something about it. Brilliant.

PS: Those 3,000 people in France bringing in over a million a year...proof that any idiot can become a millionaire with a little luck. I mean what the hell are you guys still doing there? Why is there a single person in that tax bracket still in the country?

I've Never Wanted to Put a Guys Face on A T-Shirt So Bad As Much As This Bro

Boston News, Weather, Sports | FOX 25 | MyFoxBoston

Look, ordinarily I'd talk about the case, make mention of this lady being confused by some hunter as wild game...but honestly, that's the side show to the real story, check out Jim Blair:

JEEPERS CROW! Stink eye for days bro! That face is a t-shirt on it's own, hell it could be a whole series. Some captioned Stink Eye, some captioned just "ARGHHH," because I'm not so sure Jim Blair right here isn't the world's last old school pirate.

Jim Blair ladies and gentlemen. 

Absurd Portland Principal Claims Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches are Racist as Fuck

Portland Tribune - Verenice Gutierrez picks up on the subtle language of racism every day. Take the peanut butter sandwich, a seemingly innocent example a teacher used in a lesson last school year. “What about Somali or Hispanic students, who might not eat sandwiches?” says Gutierrez, principal at Harvey Scott K-8 School, a diverse school of 500 students in Northeast Portland’s Cully neighborhood. “Another way would be to say: ‘Americans eat peanut butter and jelly, do you have anything like that?’ Let them tell you. Maybe they eat torta. Or pita.” ...Through intensive staff trainings, frequent staff meetings, classroom observations and other initiatives, the premise is that if educators can understand their own “white privilege,” then they can change their teaching practices to boost minority students’ performance. Last Wednesday, the first day of the school year for staff, for example, the first item of business for teachers at Scott School was to have a Courageous Conversation — to examine a news article and discuss the “white privilege” it conveys.

Is Verenice Gutierrez kidding me here? Got to be trolling us whites, no? Peanut Butter Jelly, a white privilege? Get the fuck outta here. 

Hey Verenice, have you ever eaten a PB&J or it's cousin Peanut Butter Fluff 5 days a week from September thru June? It's no privilege. I love peanut butter more than just about anyone, but come on, 180 or so straight week days of peanut butter related sandwiches gets old real fast. I'm not saying its a punishment, but it sure as shit isn't a privilege. L

ike, back to your little math word problem example; "If Johnny ate 5 peanut butter and jelly's at lunch last week, and has had 3 peanut butter and jelly's so far this week, how many peanut butter and jelly's has Johnny ate? WAY TO FUCKING MANY. Johnny wants some flavor, Johnny wants some spice.

There's a reason all us crazy white folk spent 1st-8th grade as amateur day traders, trying to trade up our sandwiches with the random few kids that had exotic food like salami sandwiches, or the crown jewel, the Lunchables set. It's the same reason why any sane white adult wouldn't list PB&J in their top 5 of regular lunch choices, it aint a privilege, its like a base line necessity. It's the elementary and middle school kid equivalent of college kids with Ramen Noodles...once you're old enough to have a choice, no one in their right mind would pick it.

You wanna talk privileges, how about these kids apparently yamming on torta's and pita's for lunch? That's a privilege, there's a reason I seek out burrito's for lunch like 3x a week. That shit is awesome. If I knew the Puerto Ricans and Dominicans in my school thought my PB&J was some kinda exotic treat of a lunch I'd have been trading for burro's, empenadas, chicken and cheese quesadillas, all of that stuff. I love it all.

Bottom line is PB&J is no more of a white privilege than clean water. It's just something quick and easy you feed your kids so they don't die of malnourishment.

Are Florida Detectives Serious with this Sketch of an Unidentified Man?

Fox News - Forensic experts from a Florida university have helped detectives recreate the likeness of a man murdered nearly 25 years ago, working with little more than a pile of bones, teeth and patches of mummified skin. The remains of the unidentified man, who was shot twice, were found in 1989 near an orange grove by an artifact hunter in Dade City, Fla. Authorities believe he had been dead for as long as two years. “The body was found fully skeletonized,” said Detective David Boyer of the Pasco County Sheriff’s Office. “There was just bones.”

Far be it for me to step in and tell these forensic detectives how to do their job, but...I either just solved their case, or their sketch artist is trolling them big time:

I mean, that's Garth plain as day. And come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I saw him, for that matter.

Director of the Notebook, Nick Cassavetes, on Incest: "Who Gives a Damn?"

Fox News - Hollywood director Nick Cassevetes came out in favor of incest in an interview with The Wrap. The director of the popular romance "The Notebook" was out promoting a new film that features an incestuous relationship between a brother and sister. “I’m not saying this is an absolute but in a way, if you’re not having kids – who gives a damn? Love who you want. Isn’t that what we say? Gay marriage – love who you want?” Cassavetes said. “If it’s your brother or sister it’s super weird, but if you look at it, you’re not hurting anybody, except every single person who freaks out because you’re in love with one another.”


Not to pry too much into the family business Nick, but I'm pretty sure I know two people who's damns are given...Zoe and Alexandra, aka, YOUR SISTERS. I mean, that had to set the record for most awkward phone call of all time...

Nick: "So, uhh, that stuff I said today about incest, that didn't have anything to do with you guys, I just wanted you to know that..."

Zoe/Alexandra: We're you're only sisters, Nick.

Nick: Yea, but, it was hypothetical, you know? It's not like I've ever wanted to have flipper kids with you, just that if we ever were hook-up, as long as it was protected would it really be a big deal?

Zoe/Alexandra: We have to go, Nick. Don't call back for a while.

Nick: Ahhh Come on!

Canada Offering Pole Dancing Classes for Kids Ages 5 and Up

Fox News - A Canadian dance studio is offering pole dancing classes for children as young as 5 years old, CTV News reports. Twisted Grip Dance & Fitness, in Duncan, British Columbia, has in its lineup a pole dancing class it calls “Little Spinners,” geared toward boys and girls of all ages, owner Kristy Craig tells CTV. Craig said she introduced the class because existing clients wanted it, and so far three girls and one boy have registered for classes, which start on Sept. 22. Her youngest student is 5 years old, the oldest is about 12 years old. Craig says there's nothing sexual about the class, but the front page of the studio's website shows sexy, sparkly high-heeled shoes for sale for performers, MyFoxDFW.com reports..."It's pure fitness and strength and fun," Craig told the CBC. "I mean kids love climbing trees. They will climb anything."

That last line is by far my favorite. "kids love climbing treas. They will climb anything." Exactly, trees, stripper poles, a strangers dick for tip money...

And look, my blame is not with Kristy Craig, she's a savvy business women who's personal interest also includes children strippers, she found a loophole and is exploiting it.

My issue is with the parents...Are you people outside your fucking minds? Signing kids up for pole dancing classes? I get that college isn't for everyone and that some kids are better off learning a trade they can fall back on when they're older, but I think generally this applies to HVAC specialists and plumbers...Not sex workers selling their bodies who've been perfecting the art of snatching up your dollar bills with their crotch since they were in the 5th grade...

How I Know It's Officially Football Season

That's how. Girls posting pictures of and status updates about the food they made for NFL Sunday, followed by a generic GO TEAM (With team being replaced by whatever team their husband/boyfriend/guy they're hoping to get stuffed by on Sunday Funday). 

And I'm not even being cynical. It warms my heart. There was no clearer sign the NFL was back yesterday than when I woke up to a barrage of crock-pot recipes jamming up my timeline...and obviously pics of Patriots t-shirts highlighted with pink or sparklies.

Welcome back football, and thank you for all the new culinary ideas.

How Awful is this Reinvented Bicycle, the Fliz?

Fox News - Yabba dabba doo...Without pedals or a seat, the “Fliz” as it’s called requires riders to strap into a harness and build up speed by running, with their head sticking out between the frame. If it sounds awkward, it’s because it probably is. “The prior aim of developing Fliz was to bring a completely new driving experience to everyone,” creators Tom Hambrock and Juri Spetter said on their website...To ride the Fliz -- or rather, have it ride you -- users build up speed, Flintstones-style, by running and then cruising with their feet resting by the rear wheel. While steep hills are tough for the Fliz and safety remains a concern, the designers insist that it shouldn’t be seen as a bicycle replacement, but rather a fresh option for urban environments. “We created a velocipede concept of healthy, ecological mobility in overcrowded urban space,” Hambrock and Spetter wrote.

For real? Let me ask you Krauts something, do we look like a bunch of idiots? I mean honestly, do we? This is less reinventing the bicycle and more sending it back to the stone age..Yabba Dabba Doo is right.

Lets put aside the fact that you are NEVER taking that thing up a hill, that one's obvious, lets ask, how the hell do you even get in it? I can't see any way I strap myself into that harness without a spotter. So now, after years of adult life being comfortable knowing that if nothing else, I know how to ride a bike by myself, I need to ask another able bodied adult to help me ride my bike? Like I'm some sort of 5 year old with my parents teaching me to ride without training wheels again? No thanks.

PS: I have to imagine you die the first time you mistakenly slip and fall. Your neck just snaps between those two bars.

Double PS: The Hipsters will LOVE this. Because they do look like a bunch of idiots.