Childbride Courtney Stodden Getting A Reality Show

Fox 411- Courtney Stodden is the 17-year-old girl who married 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchison … when she was 16. They announced Wednesday that they have been snapped up to film a reality show. “They are going to be very, very open about their lives,” Courtney’s mom told RadarOnline.com. “They want everybody to see their life. Nothing is off limits.”

I'm delighted and horrified all at the same time...let me say this first, this girl is going to be a train wreck. Part Jessica Simpson, part Anna Nicole Smith watching her struggle to comprehend simple daily tasks like how to turn on the hot water knob in the shower, how to order food at a drive through, and how to chew gum and walk at the same time is going to be fantastic...That said, this girl is going to be a train wreck and we might have a legitimate chance at seeing someone die on camera during a reality show for the first time. Whether it's by some kind of crazy murder suicide pact, or when she accidentally catches her extensions on fire attempting to cook Mac & Cheese for the first time, this has a real chance of happening.

On another note, Courtney's twitter stream is an absolute must read...It's like she's walking around with some kind of Erotic Novel Writers Thesaurus all day. Just cramming an assortment of sultry adjectives together to some how form a confusing, semi-erotic 140 character message, for example:

Had a beautifully busy day today, all based around my HOT & upcoming reality show! Are you all ready for it?

Lickin a sucker as I boisterously bounce UP & down on the bed while drenched in a soak ‘n wet white mini-T & pink panties; Feelin Dangerous!

Had a bodily breakfast in bed this morning; It was so tasteful… Just like sweet syrupy pancakes completed with a lush creamy filling. Yum!

Sweetly fetching a tasty bone to my precious lil’ pink pooch Bazaar out back, as the sultriness of the day gently begins to heighten. Mmm…

I am going to get drilled today… & I’ll keep my mouth open the entire time. I’ll be a good girl… I promise. Mmm… I LOVE the Dentist!

Maybe you wanna hire a personal tweeter, preferably someone that can form coherent sentences.

Husband Blames Internet History on Some Sort of Porn Hackers

EDMONTON, AB—Local husband and father of two, Richard Poitras, 42, announced today that there is a perfectly logical explanation for the long list of raunchy Google searches that recently appeared out of nowhere on his internet browser’s search history. In a response to questioning from his wife, which began yesterday, Poitras said, “Listen, I’m no computer whiz, but I think I have an idea how this could have happened.” He went on to describe a spam email he vaguely remembers opening, completely on accident. “That email must have linked my system up with some kind of hacker.” When asked why a computer hacker would take the time to plant “anal ass butt female” into his search history, Poitras responded, “I’ve thought about that, and it makes no sense to me, either.” “People spend their time doing strange things these days,” he added. Poitras immediately took his laptop back from his wife and initiated an anti-virus scan. He says he has learned his lesson about being careful when clicking through his emails. 

Nice try buddy, nice try. Unless you're still rocking AOL 5.0 there's just no way that story is true. No one's gotten unfiltered porn e-mails since 'Nam. That's just a ridiculous excuse, hackers ruining peoples relationships with key words like anal ass butt female and booty popping, like they've got nothing better to do. Haven't you seen the movie Hackers? They've got to save the world from evil heads of corporations and something to do with an oil tanker of some sort (I can't remember, it was a confusing plot, somehow they used their laptops connected to payphones, you tell me how the hell that worked). 

But as an aside, congrats on having the single dumbest wife alive, if this were to be true. If she'll buy excuses like Anal Porn Viruses then she's definitely a keeper.

Canada Airbrushing God Given Boobs of Elected Government Officials

HuffPo - It was brought to our attention yesterday by Contrarian, a Canadian political blog, that rising member of the Canadian parliament Rathika Sitsabaiesan has undergone some quite obvious Photoshopping. When searched via Google Image, Rathika Sitsabaiesan's name turned up a headshot of her smiling for the camera wearing a white scoop-neck top and a green necklace with a bit of cleavage -- not Christina Hendricks levels, just the average amount for a larger-chested woman. But Contrarian found that the exact same image appears on Sitsabaiesan's formal Member of Parliament Profile on the Parliament of Canada website -- sans cleavage. See the two pictured below. Is this just innocuous touching-up in the name of appropriateness... or messing with someone else's body unnecessarily? 

So in the land of Canada, Cleavage: Bad, Hermaphrodites: Good? Is that right? Because that picture there on theright is an Indian He-She if I've ever seen one. Looks like Fez from That 70's Show with a wig on. 

I just don't get Canadians, do they fear boobs aren't conducive to legislating? Hasn't America proven that you can be taken seriously as an elected official with a nice pair of jugs? I mean, look at Sarah Palin, everyone respects her and her hooters, right?

Boston Has A West End? News To Me.

BostInnovation - Most Bostonians are familiar with the city’s neighborhoods: the North End is Boston’s take on Little Italy, Cambridge houses the smartypants from MIT and Harvard, Allston is the Hub’s hipster hangout and Charlestown is for yuppies and bank robbers. But what is the West End? Where are its boundaries? Who lives there? Even native Bostonians have trouble answering these questions. Wikipedia defines the West End as the neighborhood bounded by Cambridge Street to the south, the Charles River to the west and northwest, North Washington Street on the north and New Sudbury Street on the east. Essentially, the MGH campus. However, others would argue the West End also includes TD Garden and its numerous sports bars. The only thing I know about the neighborhood is that a few of my friends live in a luxury high rise in the West End...Still confused? Us too. Today, the controversial Urban Renewal of the 20th century still leaves many longing for the good ole days. For example, take Yasmin McCarthy and Jimmy Guzman, co-creators of the community group SoCA...they’ve decided to draw artists back to the West End by giving the entire area a new name. Dubbing it “South of Canal Street,” or SoCA for short,

Wait, wait, wait...Boston has a West End? What? I'm going to be honest, for years my friends and I have struggled with what to call that area, generally referring to it as the Garden area, "those bars by Canal and Friend Street," and one particular friend who steadfastly believes it's a part of the North End, despite everyone he knows telling him otherwise.  So if we want to clear this up and just call it the West End once and for all, I'm all for it, I just feel like maybe a full page ad in the Globe should be taken out, just so everyone's on board and there's no more confusion (and I'll hand deliver a copy of that paper to my geographically confused friend as final proof).

That said, I will not be calling it SoCA. That's just about the most-unoriginal and hack-y name I've ever heard, just edging out SoWa. I thought artistic people were supposed to be creative? How come everytime an "artistic" neighborhood in Boston springs up, the first thing the hipsters rush to do is name the neighborhood after SoHo in New York? Really? You've got nothing better? West End isn't trendy enough? It's a brand new name, like I'm guaranteeing 70% of Boston'ers have no idea where the West End is. That's trendy! Do we really have to copy NY, again?

If that's the case, and you really want to go with an acronym, go with WeGa (West of Greenway, pronounced We Gay). It reflects the geographical area and the refusal to come up with any sort of original naming acronym, in favor of just succumbing to the cities inferiority complex when it comes to all things NY.

Dr. Jack: It's More Like "How I Was a Douche and Still Somehow Landed Your Mother"

I’ve been a fan of “How I Met Your Mother” for a long time. It’s been the only show I’ve liked on CBS for years and I’m usually one of its biggest supporters. But what the hell is going on with this season?

The show was granted two more seasons at the end of last year. My understanding was this would allow for more direct storytelling about Ted finally meeting the mother. However, the first two episodes appear to set up a season long arc focusing on who will Barney marry? I know we’ve been told Ted meets the Mother at this wedding, but we probably won’t see that until the season finale (and that’s not even guaranteed). So for those most interested in getting a peak at the mom, this season of HIMYM has essentially turned into a NBA game where you only really need to watch the final two minutes of the 4^th Quarter.

Luckily for me, I am not resigned to only caring about whom the Mother is and hopefully will enjoy this season’s batch of episodes. At least I thought that before watching the debacle last night as the episode focused on two things: Barney wanting to feel one of his best friend’s wife’s boobs and Ted trying to break up an impending marriage.  Um, WHAT?

Let’s start with Ted. It’s been written many times before by other writers that Ted does some exceedingly unlikeable things for a character who is supposed to be the “hero”. He’s kind of a douchebag in how pretentious he is and often doesn’t seem like someone you’d want to spend time with. Those personality defects are almost forgivable and you could still kind of root for him to find the relationship he so badly wants. Then last season he breaks up Zoey and the Captain’s marriage and last night he tries to get Victoria to not get engaged to Claus. How are those actions of someone who values the love between two people so highly? Instead the writers have made Ted a homewrecker who only cares about how people relate to his quest for love, not how he affects their lives or future. Why would I want to see how he finally finds the woman of his dreams when he’s acting like this in the process?

Victoria also says at the end of the episode her and Ted’s relationship didn’t work out because of Robin. Now, we’ve been down this road MULTIPLE times before. Robin is not the Mother, so honestly I don’t care about her in regards to Ted. Again, they’ve set this season up to be about Barney and Robin and will she be the bride. It seems like shoehorning Ted into this equation is just a way to make the main character (who sucks because they write him that way) still a big part of the show. Plus, as CW and I just discussed, if the ending was foreshadowing to the group splitting up because of Robin then I might just stop watching right now. I watch this show because I like seeing these people interact with one another, if that stops, what keeps me tuning in?

Finally, while I enjoyed the idea of Barney’s mind games with Marshall and Lilly, the terms of the bet were ridiculously creepy and weird. Barney is a sexual deviant, we all know this. However, there’s always been the idea (at least to me) that some things were off limits. I find it difficult to believe the same guy who flew to San Francisco to tell Lilly to return to New York and Marshall would then years later try and touch her boobs. This just seems way over the line and I don’t see how a normal group of friends (which we are supposed to believe these people are) could ever be the same if something like that happened. And if we are supposed to believe Barney is so committed to changing for Nora, why is he making bets about touching another woman’s boobs? I find it difficult to believe she’d be cool with that.

I’m not going to stop watching HIMYM anytime soon, but this season just seems all over the place. The writers were given two more years to tighten things up and right now it seems to me they’re doing the exact opposite.

(Also, I am fully aware of the irony of a blogger whose pseudonym comes from a “Lost” character bitching about a show taking too long to answer a question while also going off in another directions.)

-Dr. Jack

Man Arrested for Asking to Suck Women's Toes...He Was Just Asking

CONWAY, Ark. – An Arkansas man who was once convicted of threatening to cut off a woman's feet and suck her toes while she bled to death was back in jail Monday after two women told police he wanted to touch their toes as well. According to police reports, one woman said the man stared at her while she was shopping at a department store, then approached her and "told her he loved her toes and they were so long and beautiful." He told her he had a "foot fetish" and wanted to suck on her toes, the police report said. Two days later, another woman called police to say she was approached at a pet supply store by a man who began commenting on her feet, police said. The man introduced himself to the woman as Mike, the report said.

Wait a minute, arrested for what, exactly? What did my dude do here? I mean yea, you can't go threatening to cut off people's feet and letting them to bleed to death, I can understand getting all in a huff about that. But it seems like he's repented and learned his lessons, no? It's not like he threatened violence again, just merely gave these women a nice compliment and a quick sales pitch. He's not down on all 4's sucking toe jam in Walmart without their permission or anything, he's just asking. A simple "no" would do just fine, no need to get the law involved. Even a polite, "sorry, I'm between pedicures right now" would have done if you felt like letting the guy down easy. Anything but rushing to call the cops.

Women, specifically the single ones wonder why they're still single. Any time a man makes half an attempt to be a gentleman, properly introduce himself, throw you a compliment and a proposition you run off and call the cops...good luck staying single ladies.

Walmart Weddings? Yep, They're Real

Hey, it's actually not that bad of an idea, how else do you get to all the guests of a redneck wedding to wear shirts and shoes? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service. Plus, right after you can go buy some celebratory cigars in bulk at rollback prices...Win, Win.

CW's Trip To Vermont: Firing His First Gun

Yep, that's right, CW took yet another trip to the great green north this weekend, and I've got to say, it's warming to me, just a little bit.  The whole, drinking around a campfire and roasting burgers, dogs, and s'mores while pounding beers is something I could get used too.  Sure, locals probably don't roast s'mores on the reg, but I don't see why not. I mean if you're going to snack you might as well snack over an open flame. And sure I still can't quite get my head around why it took a 40 minute trip (which basically felt like we'd driven halfway home) to find a Dunks and get a simple ice coffee, and getting used to driving 60 mph on country roads at night with Moose just hanging out by the side of the road is still a little un-nerving, and I'm fairly certain I had an allergic reaction to well water, but all that aside, its not that bad.

Plus, I got to fire my first gun! Yea I know, shocking that a liberal, corporate middle manager, and internet blogger like myself has somehow made it 27 years without feeling compelled to pack heat. Weird, right? Well it was true, until Saturday. 

The weapon of choice was a .45 mm Springfield, the location, an abandoned sand pit. Not exactly Vermont weaponry, but we made do. We set up 4 cans and went to town, and I'll be honest, I lost all respect for bad guys in movies. No respect left. It's just  not that hard.  I'm not saying I was an ace sharpshooter or anything, but I pinged the cans a few times, and even when I missed, I would have still been able to hit a human being if I'd needed too. And this is my first time shooting, extrapolate that to like a 5 year career as a movie bad guy, and I'm pretty sure I'm capping asses on the reg.

I mean what gives guys? I was just watching National Treasure and Nicholas Cage is like 20 feet from the bad guy firing off rounds at him and he missed like 8 times! Shit, you give me 3 shots and I'd have put down that dude, just make sure the round are pure silver, apparently he's a vampire or some shit. 

Is John Lackey Serious? Blaming the Media for How Much He Sucks?

NEW YORK -- Boston pitcher John Lackey was highly emotional after Sunday night's dramatic 7-4, 14-inning Red Sox win, but his agitated state had little to do with the outcome of the game. Lackey's hostility was apparent from the first question, when he took exception to a questioner describing a three-run first inning as "rocky." "There was one hard-hit ball in that rocky first inning," said Lackey, who has been widely maligned for his pitching during a season in which his 6.41 ERA is the highest ever for a Red Sox starter who has thrown more than 150 innings. "A ground ball that went by somebody. Let's be honest, one time. Whatever." But when asked by Michael Silverman of the Boston Herald, "How do you think you pitched," Lackey veered off topic in a big way. "Let me tell you the truth," Lackey said. "Thirty minutes before the game I got a text message on my cell phone from one of you, somebody in the media, talking about personal stuff. I shouldn't even have to be standing up here dealing with it. "I'm sitting here, listening to music. I don't know who got my phone number, but that's over the line.

Are you frigen kidding me John?  Did you get personal text messages from the media before your other 27 starts this year? Because I'd characterize all but about 2 of them as "rocky" as well...Fairly certain text messages aren't causing you to throw meatballs bigger than the ones you apparently stuff you fat face with in the North End every other night, out there each and every start.

And hey, way to throw your teammates under the bus....again. It's bad enough you've got the biggest fucking sourpuss in baseball out there, tossing your hands up, swearing in disgust anytime a base hit gets through, or god forbid someone commits an error, but now you're actively blaming them to the media? If there is any justice in baseball you'll get a beating on the team flight once you're asleep equal to the one Private Pile caught in Full Metal Jacket.  What a freaking asshole.  Have you once heard any of your teammates complain publicly about your ERA of 10 for the month of September? Or the fact that they have to average 7-8 runs per game on days you start? Hell, I'd complain that I have you see your ugly fucking face sitting next to me in the locker room every day, never mind the fact that you might be having the single worst season by a pitcher in modern day baseball. 

You're a clown, a joke, an extremely overpaid, under performing asshole.  Say what you want about Carl Crawford and the season he's had, at least he apologized to the fans for his play and was honest about his struggles, he's not hiding behind mistakes his teammates may or may not have made and blaming all his woes on a mysterious text message from some ghost writer. This isn't high school John, grow up and take some responsibility...and don't give me this shit about personal issues going on...ask out of the rotation if you've got too much shit going on, it could only help the team.