Let's Play, Guess Who Caused this Car Accident

Welcome back to GWCTCA!


Today’s accident features an errant driver, plowing right through a post office parking lot and into a playground at a local day care center, resulting in the car flipping upside down…No children were hurt and the driver suffered no major injuries…


So was it:


A - A teenager
B - A drunk
C - The Elderly




The answer Elderly again! I didn’t want to pile on the elderly early, but sometimes you just have to work with what god gives you… Anyway, still any doubt that senior citizens should be tested yearly?  Although to be fair, I’ll assume she just stood in line at the post office with a bunch of degenerates for 45 minutes just to mail a package out to her grandson who’s away at college.  That’ll build up a healthy bit of rage in anyone, even an octogenarian. 

Are the Lawyers for Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild the Happiest Lawyers Ever?

Fox News - Lawyers representing “Girls Gone Wild” creator Joe Francis and attorneys for four women suing Francis were asked by a federal judge to review sexually graphic footage in the case, the News Herald reports.Smoak reportedly requested that lawyers representing Francis and the women review footage of Plaintiff B, filmed during spring break in 2002. The attorneys gathered Monday night to watch the footage, according to the newspaper.

These guys are the happiest lawyers in South Florida, right?  I'd say so.  Not only do you know they're being paid handsomely, representing a multimillionaire with a lot to lose, but now they're being forced to get together and watch nudy videos as preparation for their case.

Exactly how long do you think the judge had to negotiate with the defense and prosecutors to put aside some time outside of work to watch these videos? About 3.5 seconds?  Like as soon as the prosecutor heard the idea he was saying "I'll get the pizza, you get the beer" to the defense attourneys?

Is TruTv (formerly Court TV) covering this case?  I'm sure March Madness was a huge boost to their ratings but I think in court cameras for this trial would officially put them on the map.  Knock Spike TV right out of contention for that coveted 24-49 Male demographic.

Is Miley Cyrus' Sex Doll Selling out in 48 Hours A Bigger Accomplishment than Going Platinum?

Popeater - As if Miley Cyrus didn't have enough to worry about, now she's got a dirty doppelganger on the market. An inflatable Miley Cyrus sex doll named "Finally Mylie" from Pipedream Products has reportedly become such a hot ticket item that stores can't meet the demand. Pipedream Products' Kevin Johnson says of the doll, "We are completely sold out already -- it's been on the market for less than 48 hours."....Although being immortalized in latex probably isn't the legacy Cyrus intended on leaving behind, at least she's in good company: Beyonce, Kim Kardashian, Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Jennifer Lopez, Sarah Jessica Parker, Lindsay Lohan, Christina Aguilera, Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson have all received the same treatment. 

Well I guess I can finally put that question to rest.  Miley officially turned 18 a few months ago and I've always wondered whether this was a cause for celebration or depression amongst perverts.  On the one hand you've got the true creeps, the Miley purists who presumably would have rather the little minx remain 16-17 years old indefinitely. Gross.  On the other hand there's obviously the slightly less morally reprehensible perverts who were secretly salivating, waiting for the day that they could legally mount Hanna Montana in their fantasies.

 Well mystery solved. Turns out the slightly less morally reprehensible crowd of pervs outnumbered the purists in a land slide, which I think is a good thing for our country.  I mean, sold out in 48 hours? That's got to be a quicker than her concert series', right?  Has to be some kind of Guiness record here I would think.  Only artist ever to sell out of her sex dolls faster than seats at her show?  

And does anyone have the raw numbers here?  Is the music industry tracking sales to celebrate the Miley Cyrus sex doll going platinum? That'll be a proud day for Papa Billy ray Cyrus.  I'm sure that platinum fuck doll of his daughter will go right up on the wall next to all her gold and platinum albums, a proud day indeed.

And finally, do you think there is any jealousy or bitterness over whose sex dolls sell more amongst these stars? Like is Britney at home tracking Christina's sex doll sales trying to come up with a better marketing strategy for her latex likeness? I really need to know if they think about this.  I mean I think I would.  Yea you've got some talent but really these girls are all famous because of their looks.  I'd think if your sex doll sales slump that would be a direct indicator to how the rest of your career is going at that particular moment. 

By the way, sorry I know this is getting long winded, but here is the Amazon page for the doll itself.  Top 5 funniest Amazon pages ever.

Bristol Palin Raked 6 Figures Talking on the Anti-Teen Pregnancy Circuit last Year

(NewsCore) - NEW YORK -- Abstinence advocate Bristol Palin received $262,000 for her work representing the Candie's Foundation fight against teen pregnancy, according to tax documents filed by the charity with the IRS. Palin, 20, was appointed a teen ambassador for the organization after she became a single mother at age 18.  "I never thought I would be a statistic. More than 750,000 teenage girls will become pregnant this year," the ad reads. Last fall, she appeared as a contestant on the ABC reality show, "Dancing with the Stars," where she finished in third place, igniting rumors that her mother's political supporters were propelling Bristol forward in the competition despite her lackluster dance moves. Palin reportedly received $125,000 for her first two weeks on the ABC show and up to $20,000 for each additional week she lasted -- possibly totaling close to $300,000, according to unconfirmed estimates. In addition to her reality television earnings, Palin reportedly receives between $15,000 and $30,000 a pop as a speaker with Single Source Speakers. In late January, however, Washington University in St Louis rescinded an invitation for her to speak after an uproar on campus.

Isn't this the pot calling the kettle black, or having your cake and eating it too? Like, sure you can go on and preach about not having teen sex, you've already had your fun.  And yes, you did get knocked up during your time slutting it up, but teaching kids that getting knocked up at 18 results in National Reality TV programs and 6 figure pay days on the lecture circuit isn't exactly the lesson I think these groups should be spreading.  

I mean, does it not seem ass backwards to anyone else that we're fabulously paying someone who already popped out a teen baby to preach to other kids not to have one? Why not? She's rich and famous, and it aint because she's talented or an eloquent speaker.  It's strictly because she performed a biological task.  

If you're a C-minus or D girl in high school why not take your chances and get knocked up if this is your example, try and get cast on one of MTV's shows or a job on the Abstinence Tour circuit.  You'd probably have as bright a future as if you didn't get knocked up, ended up taking a couple of courses at community college before dropping out and working as a waitress and playing the lottery in hopes of hitting it big.  

In fact, I'd wager that at this point in time in our society a teen girl who gets pregnant has a better chance of living a wealthy lifestyle than your average hard working girl with a high school degree, scrubbing tables and serving me my TGIFridays appetizers.  

God Bless America, that's the new American Dream.

Girl Who Lost Snake on Subway in Boston Refusing to Pay the MBTA's Cleanup Bill

Boston Globe - More than two months after being reunited with her pet snake, the woman who lost a three-foot boa on the Red Line says she has no intention of reimbursing the MBTA for the cost of disinfecting the train. The T sent Melissa Moorhouse a letter Feb. 14 seeking $650 for the "unanticipated clean-up costs" to rid the subway of any germs that Penelope, a Dumeril's boa, might have left behind. The Allston woman disregarded the letter, prompting the T to send a follow-up late last week again requesting payment.  Moorhouse said today that she cannot afford to pay the bill and would not pay it even if she could, feeling disrespected by the MBTA. "I'm in no position to pay for that . . . and if the T officials had given me any respect or listened to me in the first place, this wouldn't have happened," said Moorhouse, who lives on disability payments, and whose husband works in a warehouse. ..."It's far more likely that Penelope would have gotten sick from being on that train for a month than anything harmful coming from her onto that train," she said. 

Honestly, I was on this girls side all the way up until that last sentence.  Instead of continuing to play the poor me line to perfection you went all self righteous, and you know what? Screw you. Pay the damn bill you scofflaw.

No one gives a shit if the snake that you, for whatever reason your delusional mind thought was a bright idea to carry on the subway, got sick or even died.  We just wanted the frigen thing off our subway.  No one forced you to bring on a snake like the mental patient that you are, and certainly no one forced you to lose it.  I'm sorry, but even if I was dicked up enough in the head to think riding the subway with a serpent as a necklace seemed like a fun day, I think I'd still have the wherewithal to make sure it was still around my neck when I exited the train.  Just seems like something that would be hard to miss.  It's not like forgetting your purse or jacket that you just put down on the seat next to you.  It's a carnivorous snake!

PS: just caught this little tidbit:

"After removing the train from service, it took the T another 10 hours to coax Penelope into a box with the help of a Red Line motorperson who is also a snake owner."

 WTF? It's a fairly harmless little boa. I understand that some people are paralyzed in fear of snakes, but any normal person could have just approached the thing and picked it up in 2 minutes.  Leads me to believe that capturing the snake was probably a union gig.  That's the only explanation.  Probably a bunch of guys sitting around reading papers and racking up over time pretending to be afraid of the snake.  Corruption at it's finest.

Man Steals Womans Credit Card, Sends Flowers and Thank You Note.

What do you mean rubbing it in her face, showing a lot of gall?  You know what sending that thank you note was? That was class, something rarely seen from robbers these days, in the age of cyber thievery.  

Yea it sucks having your money stolen and having to go through this whole ordeal, but at the end of the day the credit card company is going to cover the losses, and you end up with a lovely bouquet and the happiness that comes from being genuinely thanked.  And at least you know it didn't go to something like rent or baby diapers.  Whoever stole it looks like they truly enjoyed a fun weekend with your money, and that has to make you feel at least a little good inside.  

And spare me the the fear of "he knows where you live now."  I don't think you have to worry about much here.  The guy sent you flowers, coupon books, and a couple of magazines.  All in all he seems pretty thoughtful, not at all serial killer like.  Plus I don't hear you complaining about the free magazine subscriptions that your credit card company is now footing the bill for.

Security Guard Fires Kill Shot to the Head at Attempted Robbery at an Apple Store

NBC - An armed security guard, hired by Apple to protect one of its San Diego stores, confronted and killed a smash and grab suspect in a gun battle early Monday. The Apple store manager was working inside when just before 7 a.m. the guard confronted two men and a woman. The suspects had smashed into the store's front doors, sending shattered glass out onto the sidewalk. The guard told police a gun battle started when one suspect produced a handgun. More than a dozen yellow evidence markers were on the ground just outside the store's front door. Investigators said the three suspects got into a silver Acura and crashed into a light pole and a post before stopping on the curb outside Banana Republic. The passenger side door was left open with what appeared to be a body still inside. Police confirm the unidentified man was shot and killed by the security guard. The second man and woman ran from the mall heading east, police said.

 I take back everything I ever said about Apple, those guys are straight gangster.  Frigen security guards packing live heaters, "deading" would be thieves...sheeaaaattttt.  

And they aint even firing warning shots, just straight kill shots to the head.  There is an IPad2 shortage crisis going on people, this is for real. Can't have hooligans looting an already short supply, you've got to take the necessary actions to safeguard your supply.  The second you let your guard down the thieves steal your shit and set up shop right down the opposite corner, peddling their stolen goods to users non the wiser.  Pure profit.  That's how you get run right out of the consumer tech game. 

Wouldn't surprise me in the least if the Shoot to Kill mandate came straight from Steve Jobs himself.  Just a cold calculating Godfather figure, straight to the core.

Bacon Fat in Sewers Causes Backup in an Entire Canadian Neighborhood

CBC - Halifax Water is warning residents to be careful about what they pour down the kitchen sink after an accumulation of bacon fat clogged sewage pipes in the Ridgevale Drive subdivision in Bedford.  Some basements were damaged when raw sewage built up during a two-week break in February and spewed into homes. Dan Legge said it's not the first time the basement of his Ridgevale Drive home has flooded this way.

"Almost the entire level here was impacted," he said Friday."It would have come in through the toilet, through the shower and, of course, all over the floor.

So was it Canadian or Good Old American Bacon? 

I'll be honest, I struggle with what to do with the grease every time I cook, constant battle between just dumping it down the sink, out the window, or adding to the growing collection of lard sitting in jars under our sink.  What are other people doing?  Are you guys just storing dozens of glass jars of bacon fat and grease under the sink like I am?  It's starting to gross me out but I literally have no idea what I'm supposed to do with it.  I'm always tempted to just dump it down the sink and run some hot water with it but I'm petrified of coming home for lunch one day and finding my apartment awash in my own feces because the toilet backed up on some bacon fat.

Can you just throw this shit in the garbage? Seems like a sure fired way to attract rabid raccoons and Possums to my dumpster.  Plus I'm not so sure jars of lard are something we should be just dumping at the landfill. That shit has to be bad for the environment, and yes I see the irony in me worrying what the fat does to the environment and not my own arteries. 

Can someone please just let me know what they're doing with their fat and grease so I can put this question to bed once and for all?

PS: "Tim Outhit, who lives in the neighbourhood, knows about these floods — sewage flooded his basement a few years ago. But he doesn't know why people in the area appear to be eating so much bacon. "I always thought it was a pretty healthy neighbourhood. We're always out walking and shovelling and bicycling. But apparently someone along here likes their fried food," he said."

My thoughts exactly Tim. Exactly how much bacon are these hosers eating up there? I can't even imagine the amount of bacon fat necessary to back up and entire subdivision of houses.  That's frigen disgusting.

Now This is My Kind of Flood

When life gives you lemons, right fellas?

Don't mind the raw sewage or potential dead people and animals floating around you.  If God is going to give you your very own lazy river right infront of your stoop you might as well take advantage of it.  

And really, what else are you going to do?  Not like you can dry out your apartment at this point, you certainly don't want to go driving your truck around through entire rivers like that idiot.  Just relax and enjoy a few days of the simple life like these two gentelmen.  Save the worrying and panic for when the water dries up and you find out your house has been condemned for mold and grandma floated away earlier that week.  For now just pop the top on a cold brew and let the soothing sounds of the flowing river take you to a better place.