Bill Maher and Pelosi's Daughter: #LoLTheSouth, A Documentary

Honestly starting to think that winning the Civil War was a huge mistake. And tossing "God back in the drivers seat of the economy?" Probably not the best idea...just judging by the economies of some of God's other strongholds.

Just Some Dude Enjoying the Hell Out of Dave Matthews and the Life Is Good Festival

Straight Jonesing!

I laugh, but I'm honestly jealous. I wish I loved anything as much as this guy apparently loves Ants Marching. Tripping Billies indeed.

 And just in case you can't make it out, that is a throw back Phillies jersey paired with a braided goatee. Boss look.


PS: My drunk Dave Matthews singing voice is fire, don't be fooled into thinking otherwise.

The Alt-Tab Would Like to Officially Welcome Back Professional NFL Referees

I'll be honest, I just woke up, checked out espn.com, and was shocked, SHOCKED, that I didn't see a headline saying Goodell and the Ref's reached an agreement over night. Because that clusterfuck right there, is just an absolute debacle.

The only thing, and I mean the Oonnly thing, that could possible explain that call is that the ref legitimately thought the Packers were the receiving team. That's it. No other explanation. He forgot which team was on offense, saw the Packers had come down with the ball, assumed he was the receiver and signaled for a touchdown. Probably went under the hood for the review, realized his mistake, but couldn't bear to be the biggest goose in NFL history so he just stuck with his guns, fucking guy. Don't bother trying to tell me otherwise, you can't seriously expect me to believe that a seemingly perfectly sane looking man, watching that replay, could come out with a stone face and tell me Seattle caught the ball for a touchdown. No way in hell.

So there's your explanation. The replacement ref's are so bad that they actually forgot which team was offense and which team was defense during the last play of Monday Night Football.

Happy Hipsters Begrudginly Supporting Capitalism Day!

It's Iphone release day! I can't wait to see all of your super dumb un-boxing videos as you all celebrate your uniqueness with the same exact phone as everyone else on earth! Congrats guys, all your hard work, your camping out since Monday, and your lack of a real full-time job has paid off, you now own the same phone literally 10's of millions of people will, only a few hours earlier than everyone else. Truly a special day.

And I would Have Guessed Paris Hilton Was One of the Gay's Most Eloquent Spokes People...

I remember you dude, you were on The Hills...now you're wearing Tutu's and dead behind the eyes...funny how that works...yes I watched The Hills...shut up. 

TMZ - Some of Paris Hilton's ex-boyfriends are so obviously gay ... it's shocking she hadn't heard of Grindr before her recent AIDS rant -- this according to the makers of the gay phone app. Grindr tweeted at Paris moments ago, writing, "Frankly, we're surprised that you hadn't heard about Grindr sooner, given some of the guys you date." Grindr then links to the above photo of Paris and her ex-boyfriend Doug Reinhardt from a 2009 costume party, where Doug is dressed like a fairy. (Okay, that's pretty funny.) You'll recall, Paris was speaking about Grindr when she said, "Gay guys are the horniest people in the world ... they're disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS."

Putting aside the fact that Paris Hilton sounds like an 80's Coke-Whore Floozy, back when everyone assumed that AIDS was just a Male-on-Male Butt Sex disease...The line that really caught me was this:

 "Frankly, we're surprised that you hadn't heard about Grindr sooner, given some of the guys you date."

Is that allowed now? I always assumed that if I implied someone was gay in any kind of negative fashion (as this quote clearly does) that I'd be cast aside in society, tossed in the same group as white folks who toss around the N-word because there was a black kid in their 4th grade class that they traded lunches with once.

A spokes person from Big Gay needs to come down and weigh in on this, stat. It could be one of those cases where anyone that is gay can say it, and anyone that isn't cant, which I'm cool with, but if the gay humor barrier has just been broken I think some kind of public announcement should be made.

Scientific Proof; Pippa Is Clearly the Middleton Family Champ

Definitive proof. That's what that is. Pippa just putting Kate to shame. Yes, Kate is probably the more classically beautiful one, and yes she's the only one who's technically royalty, but the proof is in the pudding. Kate goes out and lets a few tit pics slip, and people go flocking to the internet to search for Pippa...It's like a Pavlovs dog type situation. You hear Kate Middleton boobs and the brain automatically commands your fingers to google search for Pippa. I mean look at that...that's individual posts page views for the last 7 days. Pippa just trouncing all over Kate...and I wrote that post almost one whole year ago!

Ladies and Gents, The Champ Is Here (and PS, she had the original grainy photos)!

Jesus May Have Had A Wife?

Boston - CAMBRIDGE -- A Harvard professor has identified what appears to be a scrap of fourth century Egyptian papyrus that contains the first known explicit reference to Jesus as married, a discovery that could fuel the millennia-old debate about priestly celibacy in the Catholic church. The fragment, which has been preliminarily authenticated but still must undergo further testing, portrays Jesus as referring to a woman as his legitimate disciple -- most likely his wife, whom the text’s author probably believed to be Mary Magdalene.

 Oh Jesus, has anyone gotten word to the US Embassy in Israel? Is everyone ok?...Oh wait, hold on... What's that? Radical Christians haven't rioted and aren't causing physical harm to innocent people over a liberal US professor going around saying things that directly refute dogma believed true for millenniums? That's odd...I kinda just assumed that was the standard response anytime someone says something about your religion that you don't take kindly too...


PS: Just to prove not all Muslims are militant savages with no sense of humor, check out the #MuslimRage topic on Twitter, some real gems like:

Baby Born in Parking Lot of NASCAR Track

Fox News - LOUDON, N.H. – A New Hampshire woman and her baby are doing fine after the woman gave birth in the New Hampshire Motor Speedway parking lot. Shawna Arnold began going into labor Friday and she and her boyfriend began driving to a hospital. But when she realized she was about to give birth on the way, they made a pit stop at the racetrack parking lot in Loudon...Arnold tells WMUR-TV that she and her boyfriend delivered the baby, named Katie, in their car. An EMT at the track then came to help, and the couple and the baby were taken to a hospital. Speedway General Manager Jerry Gappens has awarded the baby two tickets to NASCAR races for the rest of her life.

And that, folks, is the most New Hampshire story of all time...Barring of course that little Ricky-Bobby Katie here doesn't celebrate her first birthday in the toy section of Wal-Mart...and by toy section I mean at the guns & ammo counter. 

My Favorite Thing from Yesterday? Blowjob Guy at the Cubs Game

If you don't laugh when the announcer starts in on the "leadpipe sinker," there's just no helping you. Video from Deadspin.