Jose Canseco: Striking Out in Worcester, On the Field and Off

Yep, that's actually Jose Canseco's number...and I just called it. But no, he did not answer (definitely not the last time I call today). Still, it didn't go straight to voicemail, it rang a few times, so maybe he's just not up yet, or maybe he's taking some early morning batting practice...or maybe, he finally scored with some lucky Worcester waitress...

Deadspin - At the age of 47, and more than a decade removed from his career as a Major League player, Jose Canseco just won't quit trying to do what he loves the most: hitting on young women. According to a tipster, Canseco has taken a run at "about a half dozen" female employees aged 19-23 at a restaurant he's been frequenting in Worcester, Mass. At one point, Canseco even slipped the phone number you see above to a 19-year-old hostess. So has he been striking out? Says the tipster: "Not even a foul tip...just straight swinging through."

Look, I've been to Worcester a few times, and if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that Jose is not striking out. The man is built like a gorilla. He's your prototypical townie waitress one night stand material. Sure this girl might have taken a pass, but that's probably because he just got done nailing her co-worker/roommate the night before.  Keep plugging Jose, the hits will come...and answer my damn phone calls!

Official Un-Boxing of The Alt-Tab's Brand New Tailgating Grill

Some sites blog the unboxing of various gaming systems, i-phones, tablets, etc..., and some blog tailgating equipment unboxings...This is the latter. See, one thing you have to know about me is that I absolutely love tailgating. Love it. Almost love it more than the event I'm at itself (actually depending on the event there's a solid chance I actually do love the the tailgating more). If Facebook were still a site where you share you interests on your profile, instead of this smorgasbord of food pictures and timelines, my top interest would be cooking and drinking in random parking lots. That's how much I love tailgating. 

As some of you remember, my last grill was stolen by basque separatists post tailgate at an event last year, in an act of international terrorism still unrecognized by NATO. Well, it was a long fall/summer without a grill for the CW, but no more. If the Joint Chiefs won't take action on my behalf, I'll take matters in to my own hands. Yesterday, I rectified that situation. Without further ado, the unboxing:

Pic 1: The Box:

Pic 2: The Packing:

That's right, my baby got wheels, rolling on dubs. 2 inches, that is.

Pic 3: Progress:

Pic 4: The Final Product:

Flat out sexy. It was all I could do not to fire that up right in my kitchen last night. Apparently there are fire codes against that sort of thing, but still, it was tempting. She'll see her first action this Friday, sausage, dogs, burgers, can't wait!

Does this Look like Face of the Lakers GM Watching His Team Crumble in OKC?

H/T for the Gif

Yep, actually that's exactly what the face of the Lakers GM looks like while watching his team crumble in OKC. Nailed it... I mean that tight zoom was like something out of a horror movie. Just a lone suicidal man standing out like a sore thumb in an otherwise ecstatic crowd.

PS: Did this loser buy a single? What is he doing down there and why is no one with him? Don't opposing GM's get box seats somewhere up behind glass? This looks like poor old Mitch was scrambling outside trying to find a solo tick from Oklahoma scalpers. 

The Long Snapper Viral Video Everyone's Talking About

Flat out impressive. Guys want to be him, girls want to be with him...I think anyway, has being a long snapper ever gotten anyone laid before? If any long snapper was ever going to be a panty dropper its this bro. Guy must absolutely run the summer day drinking/bbq circuit, just bringing his circus act to every blockparty around, wrangling groupies and youtube hits in the thousands. 

Honest question, how did he end up at Colgate? Must be a historic long snapping power house is all I can figure, because it's unfathomable that the big time D-1's would have passed him over.  You can follow Nick on Twitter, @arealsonofadich

PS: Another honest question, am I the only one that's never heard of BB & N High school? Is that one of those fake high school prep things where the guys are like 20 years old?

NBA Stars: The Answer to "Who is Tyler Perry's Target Audience?"

That right there is some serious Tyler Perry, Madea Goes to Jail, shit (on a more serious note, it's also Russell Westbrook, you know, one half of the super star OKC Thunder duo who just knocked the Lakers out of the playoffs...keep it real OKC). 

I steadfastly maintain that I've never met anyone who willingly admits they watch any of the Tyler Perry franchises, and now I know why...I generally don't run in circles with NBA stars. It all makes sense now, the ridiculous black rim glasses, the uber-dweeb outfits, Lebron carrying man-purses...it's all the NBA copying Tyler Perry culture. 

PS: No NBA player has looked that good in drag since LJ went all Grandma-ma on us...and Yes I did have his shoes, and yes I did eventually pop the gel cases to see what was in there.

Tim Tebow Cheating on God, Untagging Pics

TMZ - Tim Tebow posed for a photo backstage with cast members of the Broadway music "Rock Ages" ... and then asked for that photo to be taken off Twitter ... this according to one of the cast members. Neka Zang posted the pic (see above) on her Twitter account at some point last night -- and even posted a photo of the whole cast Tebowing. But the photo with Tebow was gone a short time later ... which she explained by tweeting, "Well, Due to Tebow's "image" I was asked to remove the pic of him with us half dressed ladies. He does know we arn't real strippers right?" 

Uhh, Timmy, that's not gonna work. Un-Tagging, Un-Checking-in, un-whatever else you can think of...that all might work when you're just a skeezer trying to hide your philanderings from your wife/gf, but that's not fooling the G-O-D for one second. God doesn't need your timeline or twitter feed to know you were motorboating a bunch of hooker looking women on Saturday night. The guy is on point, all knowing, and omnipotent. You're better off spending less time worrying about the pics and more time on some Our Fathers and Hail Marys.

The Zombie Fad is Still a Thing?

Boston - The living dead will fill the streets of downtown Boston Saturday, as thousands slather themselves in fake blood and ghoulish makeup for the eighth annual Zombie March through the city...“I think it’s exactly how it sounds — you show up and it’s a zombie invasion,” he said. “It’s people from all walks of life come together for a few hours one day and they have a good time, and that’s a rare thing these days.”

So I guess the Zombie people are still around? That can't be right, can it? Because as far as I knew, Vampires were the new hotness for people who are detached from reality and want to march in parades to prove it. 

 Huh?  Just goes to show how much I'm up on dork-scifi culture. Didn't even realize there was enough room in this realm for Zombies and Vampires to co-exist. 

Credit where credit is due though, that Cranberries re-mix was fire. I'd love to see Bella and Edward come up with something like that, probably would just be some emo mash-up of Vampire weekend. Lame as hell. 

What's really scary, those are his actual scrubs from his job at MGH, part time doctor, part time delusional zombie fan.

CNN Asks, "Was Columbus a Jew?"

CNN - Everybody knows the story of Columbus, right? He was an Italian explorer from Genoa who set sail in 1492 to enrich the Spanish monarchs with gold and spices from the orient. Not quite. For too long, scholars have ignored Columbus's grand passion: the quest to liberate Jerusalem from the Muslims. During Columbus's lifetime, Jews became the target of fanatical religious persecution. On March 31, 1492, King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella proclaimed that all Jews were to be expelled from Spain. The edict especially targeted the 800,000 Jews who had never converted, and gave them four months to pack up and get out...Two of his wishes -- tithe one-tenth of his income to the poor and provide an anonymous dowry for poor girls -- are part of Jewish customs. He also decreed to give money to a Jew who lived at the entrance of the Lisbon Jewish Quarter.

First thought: "wow CNN must be desparate for pageviews if they're trudging out this kinda crap for headlines."

But then...it's not that ridiculous. I mean, think about it. This guy basically wrangled the single biggest venture capital round of all time, convincing Spanish Royalty to just give him a bunch of ships, pay for his crew/slaves, undoubtedly hundreds of barrels of limes and lemons to fight off scurvey (I don't know what scurvey is, never bothered to look it up, but I can tell you that I picture hunchbacks), and presumably a few common whores to keep the guys from getting all rape-y on each other. All that, and for what? So he could sail to a new land no one was sure even existed? That's a hell of a lot more difficult than some kid pitching a VC firm on some new app that lets people connect socially, albeit with some slight difference from the dozens of other apps that already do that. Basically if you say the words "I have this app" you're gauranteed a couple million dollars of seed money. It wasn't that easy for Columbus, I'll tell you that much.

I mean, there was a solid chance that ole Cristobal was going to take those ships, slaves, citrus fruits, and whores, reach the edge of the ocean, and just plummet off the face of the earth. The negotiating skills involved in convincing a King and Queen to go right along with that would definitely require someone with serious expertise and history in convincing people they're making the best choice with their money...in short, it probably would have taken a Jew.

So yea, Christopher Columbus was probably a Jew. It's pretty much a fact.

Kanye West Rocking All Denim Like It Doesn't Make him Look like a Hobo

TMZ -  Kim Kardashian and current boyfriend Kanye West continued their trip to London by embracing their monochromatic differences -- KK decked out all in black, KW all in denim blue. Kim has been in town to promote the upcoming season of "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" and attend the FIFI UK Fragrance Awards.

And fucking Denim Dan over here wants to be a fashion critic? Ripping on all things cargo one moment, throwing on his official lumber jack union-workers uni the next. I got news for ya 'Ye, that Canadian Tuxedo is *far* more offensive than any pair of khaki cargo shorts I've got in my closet.

Cargo shorts for like, motherfucker.