Midwest I-Banker Flys Blames Wall Street with "You're All Gonna Get Fired" Sky Banner

Consumerist - Earlier today, an airplane buzzed Wall Street towing a banner that said, "Thanks For The Downgrade. You Should All Be Fired." Update: FORTUNE got in touch with the person who flew it. She's a Midwestern mother and an investment banker. Last night the woman shot up in bed with the burning conviction that she needed to take her rage over the economic quagmire right to the doorsteps of those she felt responsible for it. "I originally wanted to fly it over Washington, D.C., but learned that you can't do that," she told FORTUNE. "So I chose Wall Street instead, but didn't specifically intend it to fly over S&P. I'm just a mother from St. Louis who feels the only reason we got downgraded was people in politics."

The nerve on this uppity broad, right? Trying to play it off like she's just some main street mother from the heartland of America, just outraged about what the liberal elite are doing to this country...meanwhile she's just your average I-banker, probably rolling in piles of toxic mortgage backed security money.  

This is so conniving I can't do anything but applaud it.  I mean it can't be easy being an I-banker in the Midwest, the local yokels always looking at you dis-trustingly, thinking you're one of us east coast, learn-ed folk, never quite trusting you enough to turn over their investment planning to you...well this'll change that fast.  No better way to gain the trust of the simpletons than to dump on Wall Street, the only reason you even have a job in your profession to begin with...genius...She's probably rolling in farm land subsidies and pork belly futures right now.

Arena League Fan Downs Player on Kick Return

Bro, you're gonna get flagged for face guarding on that 9/10...gotta be more subtle.

PS: Love the high five after the play.

Notorious Texas Phone Prankster Sentenced to 6 Months

The Smoking Gun - Fresh from a Texas penitentiary, a notorious prankster yesterday said that he deeply regretted his telephone terrorism and specifically apologized for a malicious hoax of his that ended with a Kentucky hotel clerk drinking the urine of a guest...The conviction stemmed from a prank call that resulted in significant damage to a McDonald’s restaurant. He has also pleaded guilty to criminal charges in Louisiana related to another prank call targeting a Wendy’s restaurant...Markle’s most heinous call, however, was placed in July 2009 to a Homewood Suites hotel in Lexington, Kentucky. That involved prank concluded with a front desk worker drinking a urine sample provided by a guest (Markle led the female employee to believe the sample was apple cider). The call--broadcast live in the Pranknet chat room—is excerpted below. After the worker ingested the urine, Markle exulted, “I want you to understand, ma’am, that you just drank that man’s urine.”

No disrespect to this man's prank phone calling skills, but I wouldn't exactly considering getting some idiot from Kentucky to do something stupid an accomplishment...just saying that wouldn't be on my list of greatest hits or anything.  Think about it, he called up on the phone and asked the hotel clerk to sample "apple cider" that a random guest just happened to have on them.  That's really not his doing, there really isn't even a prank here, guy just got locked up for having a conversation with your average dumb ass over the phone.

PS: I'd much rather know the details about how we managed to cause significant damage to McDonald's and Wendy's restaurants via phone calls, or why he spared the King? Guy an employee or stock holder in Burger King? Or are their employees just a bit smarter than your average McD's burger flipper and didn't fall for his schtick.  I need to know these details, not going to be able to get any work done today wondering this the entire time.

Does New Hampshire Really Think The Blue Shark in the Woods is Some Great Mystery?

Daily Mail - It is usually found roaming the deep waters of this ocean. But this blue shark has sparked intrigue after it was found in the woods of a New Hampshire village, which is an hour drive from the ocean and only has a local pool nearby. Residents in Milton discovered the six to eight foot shark rotting in the woods after reportedly smelling something fishy coming from the area. There is a local pond in the village, but police said they do not believe that the shark had been living in its shallow waters.

Can we get some real investigators and PR people up to New Hampshire now, before they make the US look any dumber about this whole thing...Like stop telling everyone it's a mystery...someone fucking dumped the thing the in the woods.  It's not a landshark and it didn't escape from a local pool or hillbilly swamp-pond.  

Like this is pretty a clear cut case, some fisher dumped a shark in the woods because they got home and their wife was like "where the hell do you think you're keeping that thing?" Guy thought he was bringing home a nice trophy to adorn his living room mantle, his wife ruined it. What the hell else was this person going to do with it? It's biodegradable, it's not a huge deal. Just quit with the "intrigue" and mystery bullshit...you're making us look like a bunch of uneducated people easily spooked by urban legends of monster wood sharks.

TLC Presents: Woman Who Enjoys Eating Her Husbands Ashes

Okkk...

Pretty sure that’s how zombies start, so I don’t know if TLC is just messing with us at this point or not, but I’d seriously like them to quarantine this broad for like 72 hours, if not just deport her to some remote island all together…Because even if it doesn’t turn you into a brain eating goblin, the mental issues with someone that enjoys eating their dead husbands ashes are more than our society can presently handle…I get that there’s a difference, but it’s a very thin line between someone eating ashes and someone just keeping dead relatives around so they can snack on some back fat…that’s what I think people are missing here…this is borderline cannabilism, just in powdered form (which strangely makes me curious if she's ever made a shake out of hubby).

Like yea, she's entertaining to us now, but what about when she runs out of ashes, what do you think's going to happen then? I'd be pretty nervous if I'm one of her relatives, she's going to need a loving snack eventually.

I Either Have the Dumbest Readers, Or Somewhere Along the Way I've Gotten off Track

You're right, you think I like who I've become? Some guy just espousing off the cuff commentary on news stories before work, the occasionally amusing work related anecdote?

Somewhere along the way I’ve apparently gone off track…What started as goofy, gonzo site to kill time, a few laughs for your average cube worker, maybe make a few advertising bucks, has lost it's way…Somewhere along the way I came to this, making fun of grandmas in the news for giving guys sore balls…I have no idea how I got here…Certainly not the kind of story I figured I’d be doing when I started this…I mean if you told me a simple and juvenilistic humor based website from a working guys perspective would have stooped to the level of laughing at stories where Nana’s are discussing crotch shots I would have said thank you kindly, but that is not what we’re all about.

Ahh who the hell am I kidding…lighten the hell up people…read for context for once..I can’t tell you how many times a week I get ridiculous comments or emails complaining about how insensitive I am, or how can I comment on something I know nothing about…or my favorite, “thanks for reminding me that bloggers aren’t journalists.” Fucking geniuses.  Look at this site, look at the bar to the right, its got a video called cannonball dookie…I’m not out here trying to win a Peabody award.

And this isn’t me having thin skin, or not being able to take what I dish out, I love it, confirms my every belief about general society…you’re dumb as shit and take things way too seriously…It’s just I’m always astounded that people who are offended don’t get the general vibe of the site and ignore it, it’s baffling…like are you new to the internet? You don’t get how this works? You want news go to your newspaper, cnn,  Fox News, whatever your local shit is…the sites name is www.thealttab.com, not exactly the picture of journalistic integrity or fair and balanced stories.

This is not to say that I don't appreciate your readership either, I love comments, brightens my day and warms my heart. I hope  you'll all bookmark the site, if nothing else it'll teach you to read at a 5-6th grade level, which apparently, judging by the feedback I consistently receive, would be a huge improvement for the better part of America.

Breaking News: 61 Year Old Who Thought She Could Swim from Cuba to Florida Quits Halfway...Shocking

(CNN) -- Endurance swimmer Diana Nyad, who attempted to become the first person to swim between Cuba and Florida without a shark cage, was forced to abandon her effort early Tuesday morning -- roughly halfway through her journey. Nyad, who is 61, struggled through ocean swells, shoulder pain and asthma Monday before she was forced to give up the 103-mile swim. Strong winds and less than ideal currents played into her decision, her team said.

Thanks for trying? Am I supposed to be shocked?  Was this going to end any other way? Like I just wish I could have found a site that took bets on whether or not she was going to complete the swim, I would have bet my whole nut that she'd quit.

It's nothing to be ashamed of, she's old as shit, couldn't complete the swim 30 years ago, is asthmatic with a balky shoulder, and apparently has a touch of puking according to the video. None of which screams picture of health capable of a 90 mile swim through shark infested open water.

That said, strong winds and less than ideal currents is about the weakest excuse I've ever heard...you're swimming in the open ocean, you didn't expect currents and wind? Is that serious? This isn't a leisurely swim through the senior citizen center pool we're talking about.

Man In Australia Arrested for Motorized Cooler DUI

NOOSA, Australia -- An Australian man caught driving a motorized cooler box through a beachside resort town appeared in court charged with drunk driving, The Courier Mail reported Monday. Christopher Ian Petrie, 23, faces charges of driving under the influence and driving without a license after police caught him on the makeshift vehicle, which was powered by a 50cc engine. The incident took place on June 16 in Noosa on Queensland's Sunshine Coast, north of Brisbane. Petrie's lawyers won an adjournment from magistrate John Parker as they sought to establish "whether a motorized esky [cooler box] was in fact a motor vehicle." An amused Parker inquired with Petrie about his cooler box's performance. "How much beer can it hold?" he asked the defendant. Petrie told the court the cooler box could hold "at least a couple of cartons."

Of course this happened in Australia...just one more reason why I'm moving there when I retire at 45...

And it's a good thing it happened there, because I can tell you with 100% certainty if this happened in the states the magistrate wouldn't have adjourned the case to debate whether a cooler with wheels is a motor vehicle...We would have just slapped this kid with a DUI and ruined the next 5-10 years or his life.  Nothing our justice system likes more than making an example out of fun loving mischiefs. 

I feel like we should have a set ground rule for this,  the real litmus test should be,  if this guy ran over a pedestrian on his motorized beer cooler, would it kill an innocent bystander?  Nope, everyone would be fine, only person that's dying is this guy if he drives into actual traffic, if he keeps this on the sidewalks he's no more dangerous than the average motorized wheel chair (that's not a shot at people in wheel chairs, its just that I've seen my fair share of motorized wheel chair owners who act like they own the sidewalk, breaking toes, scaring children, being completely oblivious of everyone around them, they're like the Hummer owners of the pedestrian world).  

PS: by my own set rules, a motorized keg would indeed be classified as a motor vehicle. I'm pretty sure if you got one of those going down hill you could take out a small child, midget, or fragile senior citizen.

Legit Think I have West Nile Virus

Not sure who's idea of art this is, but I'll have nightmares for weeks  now.

Woke up this morning, 3 days after a steroid fueled, demon mosquito apparently feasted on my right arm and I still have a welt in the middle of my forearm...not like a little bump, a gigantic red welt. I always thought West Nile was a crock of shit, just something the makers of Deet and Off made up one year to increase sales (brilliant move by them, by the way), but now I'm not so sure, going to spending the rest of the day on Web-MD self diagnosing myself with malaria and shit.

If you're a bit of a weird bird like myself, you know that mosquito bites on day 3 are usually right in that sweet spot faze, just itchy enough that you can enjoy scratching it, but not too itchy where it annoys the shit out of you while you're in a meeting with your boss and you're leaning over every four seconds to scratch your ankles. Not a good way to get promoted. Which explains a bit why I'm so disappointed...sure the prospect of disease isn't exactly fun, but missing out on the prime scratching day for a monster bite like this is killing me inside.  Just can't bring myself to scratch it in fear of spreading whatever the hell it is, don't know how I'm going to get through this day.