What's Your "Point of No Return?"

Everyone has one, it's the point where it dawns on you that you've forgot to do something, left something behind, etc..., and decide to say "screw it, I've come this far."

Mine is 3 seconds after I've moved on to the next thing, no joke. Last night I said "fuck it" three feet after leaving my car when I couldn't remember if I locked the door anymore (yea I'm like the only person in America without a clicker right now, leave me alone). I literally wasn't out of my parking spot, hadn't made it past my rear bumper, and I couldn't be bothered to go back and check.  As I type this I'm just hoping my car is still in one piece.  Yea it was a gamble, but I think it was worth it, if I go back then I have to start going back for everything, and frankly I like having the shortest point of no return known to man.

It applies to everything too, couple weekends ago the girlfriend and I were heading to the beach, hot as hell and sunny out, I forgot my glasses on the kitchen table.  The exterior door to our building had just closed when I realized I forgot them.  Couldn't be bothered, I'd have to walk up some stairs, down a hallway, then all the way back...that's like 60 seconds I'd never get back, no, I'd come to far. I went out and got a headache from squinting all day but I'd say it was worth it.

Even work, I've left, full on knowing that I forgot something before I've even reached the first floor in the elevator and I can't be bothered...I'll deal with the consequences tomorrow. I've literally sat on my couch after pouring a glass of water and realizing it's still sitting on my counter and decided I don't want it anymore...It's not even about being lazy, it's just a matter of efficiency to me.  I cannot be bothered to waste time on a task I've already set aside, I can't, I won't do it, nah-uh, no way. 

Newt Gingrich Accused of Buying Twitter Swag, Paying People to Follow Him

Is this the face of a guy who figured out how to win Twitter?

Fox News - Newt Gingrich, who is trying to rebuild his 2012 presidential campaign after his senior staff departed en masse, is now pushing back against reports claiming that most of his 1.3 million followers on Twitter are fake and that he paid for them. “At no time has the campaign or Gingrich Communications employed an outside group to inflate the number of followers of @newtgingrich,” Gingrich spokesman R.C. Hammond said in a statement to FoxNews.com. “Any accusation of the kind is a lie, a smear and unsubstantiated.” Even though Gingrich is trailing most GOP contenders and potential hopefuls in the polls, he has by far the most Twitter followers at 1.3 million. Sarah Palin has more than 600,000, Mitt Romney, the presumed front-runner, has nearly 64,000. A social networking search firm called PeekYou, which says it began crunching the numbers for the 2012 candidates three weeks ago, confirmed that some 106,000 followers, about 8 percent, are real, according to the gossip website Gawker, which first reported the story. PeekYou analyzed the numbers after a former Gingrich staffer told Gawker that the former House speaker paid numerous “follow agencies” to set up fake accounts to follow him. “Newt employs a variety of agencies whose sole purpose is to procure Twitter followers for people who are shallow/insecure/unpopular enough to pay for them,” the staffer said.

Of course most of Newt's 1.3 million followers are fake, I mean the guy throws out tweets like, "Had a great lunch Mabe's Pizza-a Decorah landmark," or "The wrestling club had great brats and sauerkraut at the Mitchell County Fair," or my favorite, "Thanks to Rep. Josh Byrnes for guiding me around the Mitchell County Fair-hog show, prize winning cows, conservation booth, NRA...lots of fun."

Thrilling shit, Newt.  So I've gleaned that you like to stuff your face and hang out and country bumpkin fairs, probably dreaming of the 100's of kinds of different sandwiches that prize winning cow could be made into. I totally get why more people follow you than, say, Howard Stern, or even, yours truly.

PS: I had no idea you could just buy twitter followers, I'd have just done that from the start, been hovering around 50 for months now, shit is depressing. That staffer can go fuck himself if he thinks its because I'm insecure or unpopular, I know that can't be true, my mom drilled it into my head enough as a child. It's more about trying to win Twitter. I still haven't figured this shit out.  I got people like the Maestro who's sole purpose in life is to Tweet at sports reporters and about cute girls he sees on the street or in commercials, and yet he's dominating me in Twitter...Makes no sense.

Double PS: That's a real job? Making up fake twitter people for people who've hired you? How do I go about applying for that?

The Google Street Views Car Just Killed Bambi

"Get Up Bambi...You Must Get Up...You Must...GET UP!"

Dude, Bambi just got killed by a Daewoo, he ain't getting back up this time.

Another Escape from an NYC Zoo...Peacock Escapes Central Park, Terrorizes Upper East Side

(NewsCore) - NEW YORK -- A peacock escaped Tuesday from New York City's Central Park Zoo and was on the loose on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, authorities said. "The peacock poses no danger to anyone," the zoo said in a statement. "To ensure a good outcome in this situation, we ask everyone not to follow or harass the bird if they see him." Zoo officials added, "We are hopeful he will either fly back to the zoo or we will retrieve him nearby."

New York's Zoos kinda suck at their job, right? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but the point of a zoo is to keep the animals in, no? Kind of like a prison for wildlife?  Not in NY I guess, first a Cobra, now a Peacock? I guess give them credit for not losing a poisonous threat to society this time around though...

PS: How the hell do you lose a peacock? I didn't even know those gangly things could fly.  I worked at Canobie Lake Park for the worst summer of my life and not once did I see one of those awkward birds even attempt to jump, let alone fly away.  We just kept them out in the open, kids loved looking at them, people hated cleaning their shit after they'd been fed french fries.  Dudes had no thoughts about escaping.

Double PS: Yea that's what he's gonna do buddy, he's just going to fly back to the zoo, he just needed a break. Frigen moron...do escaped inmates come back to prison when its time to go to bed? Not a chance.

Father of the Year Arrested After Hanging Wanted Dead Or Alive Posters for Daughters Boyfriend

Fox News - A California man was sentenced to seven years in prison Monday for putting up “dead or alive” posters for his daughter’s sex-offender boyfriend. Domingos Jose Oliveira offered a $3,000 bounty “for the body” of Sean Kirk, 33, a student at Grossmont College. His attorney, Michael Earle, said his client was a concerned father who was trying to do what he believed was best for his daughter. "I think in his mind he was doing what was best for his daughter," Earle told the station.

Hard to feel bad for this guy here because he went about this in such a stupid way, you don't post help wanted ads and Wanted Posters on telephone poles anymore, that's what Twitter and Craigslist are for, but at the same time this is a tough break. I mean the guy's only trying to do right by his daughter, it's not like he actually shook on a contract or anything, just empty threats. There's probably 1 million death threats a day made online, shit is just common place, no one takes it seriously, but you put one little Wild West Poster up outside your house and all of a sudden there's a federal investigation.

PS: The "doing what was best for his daughter" is a hard claim after hearing he's also an admitted sex offender for hooking up with a chick he claims he thought was 18...that's the pot calling the kettle black here.

Is this the Face of a Dumbass Teen Charged With Streaking at a Little League Game?

HINGHAM (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - On Monday, August 1, 2011 local police received multiple calls reporting a naked man, with a shirt covering his face, running through Lynch Field in Hingham. The field was hosting a Little League game at the time involving a team of 9-year-old children. A short time later, officers found a similar truck in the Hingham Bathing Beach parking lot with several teenagers nearby. After speaking with the youths, one was identified from a photograph on the dropped cell phone. That teenager admitted he had run across the field for a bet of $20.00 from his friends. Oliver S. Sullivan, 18, of Hingham, was arrested and charged with one count of Open and Gross Lewdness.

Fucking kids these days, can't get anything right. Streaking at a ball game is the definition of a "Go Big or Go Home" stunt.  You just don't go full monty across a little league field in front of a bunch of 6th graders and their Whole Foods shopping Milf Moms (I'm assuming, it's Hingham) for a $20 bet. That shit is strictly a MLB park with your friends posting bail and chipping in for your lawyer deal.   If you're going to do it it's gotta be worth the lewdness charge and the sex offender status after dangling your wang in front of a bunch of miners...you're never going to pick up chicks telling them you're a registered sex offender for exposing yourself to 12 year olds, but tell a chick you got charged for streaking Fenway? You can practically hear Dirty Water celebrating your victory before you even get the girl in the cab to go home with you.

Panera Celebrating 1 Year Anniversary of their "Pay What You Feel" Restaurants

Fox News - "Your suggested donation today is $6.59," said a woman taking orders behind the counter at a Panera Bread Company restaurant in Dearborn, Mich. It's a “suggested donation,” not a price, because although this looks just like a typical shop in the restaurant chain -- with all the same sandwiches, soups and salads you would see in a standard Panera property -- there’s a difference here. At this location, there are no actual prices. You pay how much you want, or what you can afford. "Your suggested donation today is $6.59," said a woman taking orders behind the counter at a Panera Bread Company restaurant in Dearborn, Mich. It's a “suggested donation,” not a price, because although this looks just like a typical shop in the restaurant chain -- with all the same sandwiches, soups and salads you would see in a standard Panera property -- there’s a difference here. At this location, there are no actual prices. You pay how much you want, or what you can afford.

While I appreciate that Panera is trying to do a good thing here, I'm absolutely stunned these things are still in business...Either people are way nicer and more giving than I'm giving them credit for, or I'm just that much of an asshole...Because if you expect me to strut in there and pay above the suggested price like a sucker, you've lost your damn mind...If you think I'm walking in there and paying just the suggested "donation," you're still bat shit crazy.  I'm walking in and giving you however many singles I have, up to $4. That's it.  So if it's been one of those crazy days at work and I haven't had time to properly snack and had to waste two of my dollars on the extremely overpriced vending machine at work? You're getting stuck with two bucks.  I'll thank you while tweeting what a good deal I got on my smartphone, with my gas guzzling SUV idling outside so I could keep the AC on for when I got back.

Eastern European Mayor Crushing Cars for Parking in Bike Lanes with a Tank Like a Boss!

Fox News -  A Eastern European mayor frustrated over people illegally parking their luxury vehicles in his city's designated bike lanes boarded a tank to make sure his message would be heard "loud and clear." Arturas Zuokas, mayor of Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania, released a video featuring himself at the controls of an eight-wheeled, camouflaged tank running over and crushing an illegally parked Mercedes Benz.

LIKE A FUCKING BOSS!

I just hope Mayor Menino doesn't get a hold of this footage, we don't need him getting any ideas about patrolling tanks through the city to ensure success of this hubway bike sharing program.

Side note: I don't think there is a limit to what I would do just to be the Mayor/Dictator of some fake Eastern Eurpoean country like Lithuania for a month. Just no rules, do whatever the hell you feel like doing.  Imagine being this guy? Look at the smile on his face, ear to fucking ear. Just woke up, decided he had enough with illegal parkers, rounded up a couple of buddys to get in on the fun and decided to go car crushing for the day. And no one is going to say boo about it.  It's as fake life as it gets.

Grandma Fights of Robber, Leaves Him With Nothing But "Sore Balls"

dramatic re-enactment

KANSAS CITY, Mo. -- An area woman said she was injured while fighting off an armed burglar who broke into her home, but she thinks she got a few licks in, too. "We were gone for about 15 minutes. It was just a quick walk, just because it was so hot," she said. She said when they returned, they noticed that the front door has been kicked in. She said an armed man grabbed her 10-year-old grandson and 5-year-old granddaughter and told her to come inside."You don't mess with the grandkids. That's the mother lion instinct," she said. "I didn't think if he got us in the house with a gun that we would come out." She said the burglar pistol-whipped her, breaking her arm and cutting her forehead. But she said she didn't back down, attacking the man in a particularly sensitive spot. She said the intruder didn't get away with much. "Sore balls. Sore balls is all he got from here, and a limp," she said. Thomas said her friends were helping to replace her front door and purchase an alarm system.

"Sore balls. Sore Balls is all he got from here, and a limp."

Who the hell does this grandma think she's kidding? Sounds like she got her ass straight whooped. Fucking got her ass pistol whipped and her arm broken...so yea, congrats on getting a couple dick shots in but I'm pretty sure you lost that fight. 

Nothing worse than the loser of a fight trying to play it off like they came out ok, used to happen in middle school all the time...loser of the fight would try playing it off to people who didn't see it like it was a draw or it got broken up to quick, like, "yea he was wailing on my face when the teachers got there but I was just about to reverse that shit."  Best part was when someone that did see the fight would walk in to the conversatino and blow their shit up..."No buddy, we all saw it, weren't you crying at the end and in the fetal position?"  

Moral of the story, take your lumps like a man or grandma. Be proud for defending your house, sure but don't play it off like you beat this guy into fleeing the house, shit didn't happen.