Modern Bonnie and Clyde? Couple Burglarize Garage, Have Sex, Woman Pepper Sprays Man and Runs Off

Hillsboro, Mo (KSDK)-- A man wearing only a rain coat was taken into police custody after a garage burglary and sexual encounter on Sunday. The Jefferson County Sheriff's Department said the man and a woman were in the process of burglarizing the garage on Glade Chapel Road, in Hillsboro, when they decided to have sex. While having sex, the woman sprayed the man with pepper spray. Investigators said the woman ran off and drove the suspect's vehicle into a pond about two miles from the burglary location.

Shit, I thought I'd been having a bad week at work, talk about having a bad day, huh.

Not only do you get arrested, but your broad leaves you with blue balls, pepper sprays your eyes, and sinks your vehicle in a pond? This has to be a joke, right? Because that is the exact scenario, to the T, for like 90% of all country music songs.

I can practically hear Kenney Chesney rehearsing this song right now, maybe just embellish it a little bit more, add in that she stole his Golden Retriever too, make it even more authentic. Make sure the vehicle was a pickup truck too, can't have any Toyota Yaris' in country music.

PS: I wonder what it was in the garage that turned them on in the first place? The scent of moth balls? Animal droppings? Or is it just their thing, their calling card, like the Wet Bandits, they're the Fornicating Thieves or something.

Mass Lawmaker Compares Lobbyists to Jews During the Holocaust

Boston Globe - A Massachusetts state representative has apologized for comparing lobbyists with Holocaust victims when he was commenting on a proposal to require lobbyists to wear badges.  Representative John Binienda, a Worcester Democrat, said he had made an “inappropriate analogy” on Wednesday when he criticized the badge proposal. “No comparison can be made between the Nazi regime and a rules proposal made by members in good faith. I apologize to the sponsors as well as the people of Massachusetts for my words,” he said.  Binienda, who heads the House Rules Committee, said Wednesday that a Republican proposal for a rule change to force lobbyists to wear badges while talking to lawmakers smacked of tattoos that Jews were forced to wear. “The idea of the badge by lobbyists to me, I kind of find that revolting,” Binienda told the State House News Service in article posted this morning. “Hitler during the concentration camps tattooed all of the Jewish people so he would know who was a Jew and who wasn’t, and that’s something that I just don’t go along with.”

Because anytime you can compare millionaire businessmen and swindlers to a tortured group of people who were pushed into forced labor, raped, and killed, its a good idea?

In fairness, are we sure John Binienda wasn't just trying to make a thinly veiled joke in reference to the working mans classic, Office Space?  

How is it that people haven't figured out that its never a good idea to make allusions to Nazi's, Jews, or the Holocausts in analogies or comparisons. Like, just don't do it people. It will not work, it will backfire in your face, and you will be forced to make a public apology.  Seriously, there is no circumstances in which you will find a way to compare something from every day life to the Holocaust, its not going to happen and you shouldn't be trying. You'd think public holders of office would be on the same page about this by now, but every now and then you catch a story like this and you can almost hear the State House Secretaries typing up invitations to the next Government Sensitivity training session.

Western Mass Man Lucky to be Alive After Crashing into Moose, Wife Complains He Smells Like Moose "Poo"

Orange man crashes into moose: MyFoxBOSTON.com

ORANGE (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - An Orange man got quite the scare when the car he was driving crashed into a 500-pound moose on Route 2.

"Covered in Moose poo, head to toe...and smelled awful."

Uhh, yea, thanks for pointing out the moose shit hunny, think you could say something about how you're happy I'm alive, or how lucky I am?

Is this what this dudes coming home to? A woman who complains about moose shit after you just plowed through bulwinkle on the highway and turned him inside out?  Jesus, how about calling the insurance company and seeing if this shit is covered or something.

And how about this poor guy's clothes? The man has just been through a traumatic experience, he looks like Joe Frazier after Ali-Frazier I (and I can't tell if its because of the moose or if those are what liver spots look like on a black dude), and all he asks is that you do a load of laundry for him and you can't?  Take that stuff outside and hose it down. No one said you have to mix the moose-shit stained laundry with your white linens, c'mon lady.

Get A Load of this Mother in Law from Hell

The Daily Mail - It can be notoriously difficult to win over the in-laws. But Heidi Withers may have a tougher task than most after her future mother-in-law emailed her a vicious character assassination in which she attacked her for her ‘staggering uncouthness and lack of grace’. Carolyn Bourne, a renowned grower of pinks and dianthus flowers, told Miss Withers, 29 she should attend a finishing school in ‘utmost haste’ to get rid of her ‘bad manners’

Wow, talk about a complete bitch. There's so much going on here, I think its best we just take this bullet point by bullet point (follow along on the left):

1.Don't serve me food that I don't like and I won't "declare" that I won't be eating it. Sorry lady, some people weren't born with a silver spoon up their ass and may find es cargo disgusting.

2. Who are you to tell me when to get up? I thought I was a guest? Am I holding you back from your household chores? Maybe sleeping in would do you some good, get the bitch out of you or something.

3. I'm not gonna lie I didn't read the whole article and don't know what this is referring to, but it sounds like a bit of joking around and poking fun at eachother is exactly what this stiff family needs to get the gigantic stick out of your collective asses.

4. I've spoke my opinion on hand written cards many a time. Waste of time, waste of money. Don't get me wrong, its appreciated when I receive them. But this is the 21st century lady, everything is done online, get your dinosaur ass on the computer or get left behind. Simple as that. 

5. Sorry your droll ass  and muted beige outfits don't attract attention. Some people like standing out in the crowd. Some people are attractive and can't help it. Just because your husbands eyes long for a woman that doesn't look like an absolute bitch doesn't mean its the other girls fault.

6. Actually, most castles make their money off renting out their space for exactly this purpose. No one owns castles anymore. What century are you from exactly?

Lawrence Man Arrested for Stealing Toilet Paper from Work...I Kinda Thought Free TP Was a Perk?

This is what it's come to? Locked and Secured TP?

The Daily Mail - David Pinkham, of Massachusetts, was caught out when police spotted him leaving Lawrence City Hall with a case of unused toilet paper. Security videos were used as evidence that he had entered the building empty handed, before leaving with the case.  Further investigations revealed he had even more about his person, with six rolls hidden down his pants. A police report stated that he 'pulled six tightly folded toilet paper rolls from his buttocks and groin area' at the police station. The 53-year-old admitted it was not the first time he had swiped loo roll from his place of work, and confessed to taking toilet paper and other items on five or six occasions. Mr Pinkham was charged with larceny over $250.

Is that illegal? I kinda thought everyone did this to be honest, like it was a standard perk that everyone was entitled to after their first day on the job.  I'm not saying I've done it, but but that's more because my office gets the rough sand-paper toilet paper, presumably to stop theft. But I've definitely thought about it, and am pretty sure others that don't share my refined taste in TP have done it.

If Mr. Pinkham is guilty of anything here its just stupidity/greed. Why the hell did you need 6 rolls of TP bro? What did you eat for lunch? Aside from it being free, the other plus about stealing TP from your work is you don't have to buy it in embarrassingly large bulk quantities like you do at the store.  Like you could have just taken 1 or 2 rolls for your family for the week and called it a day, no one would have been the wiser and you would have spared yourself the shame of having to buy a 24 pack of TP at Target while everyone stares at you trying to figure out if you have crones disease. Instead you're being charged with grand theft toilet paper.




PS: The irony is not lost that Lawrence Police are arresting people for toilet paper theft while real crime runs ammock, and a shady borderline criminal runs the city as mayor. Not lost at all.

Carol Brady Was a Two-Timing Whore, With Genital Warts to Boot

'Brady Bunch' star admits affair in new memoir: MyFoxBOSTON.com

(FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - On television, Florence Henderson portrayed the perfect mom, Carol Brady. But now, the Brady Bunch star is spilling some scandalous details about her life off-screen. Henderson, who is now 77, says she once had a one night stand back in the 1960's with former New York City Mayor John Lindsay. It’s all revealed in Henderson’s new memoir. The actress says not only did she have the affair, but that the politician gave her a sexually transmitted disease.

Get a load of this bitch. Does this make Mr. Brady the biggest cuckold in the history of earth? Carol off bumping uglies with the Mayor of New York in her spare time, Mark at home taking care of not only his 3 kids, but her 3 Aryan union looking daughters as well, poor guy.  Carol and the Mayor probably laughing at what a sap he was poist-coitous. 

You know how many times Mr. Brady probably wanted to make a run at Alice and didn't out of respect for Carol? Like a million. Probably Marcia too, I mean she was only his step daughter, and frankly she was hot, I'm not sure if the age was legal or not, but I'm just saying he at least fantasized about her once or twice, that's all.

And what does he get for all that restraint? Apparently genital warts, or crabs or something like that. For shame Carol, for shame.

Woman Drowns at Public Pool in Fall River, Body Not Noticed for Two Days

Body found in public pool 2 days after victim drowned: MyFoxBOSTON.com

FALL RIVER (FOX25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - The body of a Fall River woman was discovered floating in a state run pool late Tuesday night, two days after she apparently drowned in that same pool. Police say lifeguards were on duty and people were swimming in the Veterans Memorial pool at Lafayette Park Sunday, Monday and Tuesday and it appears no one noticed the dead body. Police say Joseph was watching her 9-year-old neighbor at the pool on Sunday when she apparently had an accident sliding down a waterside. Family friends tell FOX25 the little boy told lifeguards that she did not come up from above water but no action was taken. The Department of Conservation and Recreation (DCR), who runs the pool, has since closed all 30 of their deepwater pools until further notice.

You know who's getting a bad rap here (besides the idiot lifeguards who deserve it), this 9 year old kid. Like every report I've watched this morning phrases it as "the 9 year old child supposedly told a lifeguard", or "the 9 year old allegedly..."  Allegedly, people?  What the hell does this 9 year old have to lie about? Put yourself in his shoes for a second.

You're 9, you just got finished peeing in the public pool, because that's what 9 year old's do. You get out of the pool ready to go ask your babysitter for a towel and a snack, look around, cant find her. You look in the pool (because that's the common sense thing to do) and see her floating down the bottom of the deep end, and run and tell the lifeguard. 

From there its out of this kids hands, he told the lifeguard, lifeguard apparently chose not to believe him , and frankly, I'm puzzled as to where the story goes from here. So many odd questions:

How did this 9 year old get home? Presumably his parents wondered where his babysitter was that night, no? How did it take two days for people to go looking for her? Why didn't this lifeguard just take a peek at the pool when the kid brought it to his attention? This isn't a log of poop that may or may not be a snickers bar, its a person, maybe someone should check it out? How murky is the water in this pool, do they ever use chlorine or shock? Because in my families pool a body floating in the deep end would be a visible, alarming sight.  What about the other kids who swam in the pool for two whole days before she was noticed? Did they think the dead body was a clever prop? 

I'm dying for more details on this one. Something is just not adding up.

Justin Timberlake to Buy Stake in Myspace...He Know's He's not Really ShawnParker, Right?

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Pop star Justin Timberlake is part of a group that said Wednesday it will buy MySpace from News Corp., a bid to add some cool to a social network that has been losing it for some time. Timberlake will become a part owner and play "a major role in developing the creative direction and strategy for the company moving forward," according to Specific Media, the company that he will partner with. The deal is for $35 million, mostly in Specific Media stock, according to a person familiar with the matter. The deal values MySpace at a fraction of what News Corp. paid for the site six years ago and paves the way for the layoff of about half of the 500 workers, the person said. As part of the exchange, News Corp. will receive a private equity stake in Specific Media. With Timberlake's help, the buyers hope to revitalize MySpace and transform it into a destination for original shows, as well as bolster its already available video content and music.

Do you get the feeling that JT is one of those "I'm not really a Doctor, but I played one on TV once," kinda guys? I mean he gets that just because he played an internet startup geek, doesn't actually qualify him as one in real life, right? Or maybe more importantly, his co-investors understand this I hope? Because throwing the faith of a failing social networking site into the hands of a guy who's only internet development experience was playing an egotistical maniac in a fictional Facebook Biopic seems like a bit of a stretch to me. 

Myspace doesn't need a cool name and face as the front man for the company, they need less convicted sex offenders, and a few tech geeks to clean up the structure of the site so that I'm not stuck sitting here waiting 5 minutes for your page to load because you've filled it with animated .gif's and some ungodly music that you think will make people believe you're an introspective, tortured soul. 

JT, please, just go back to music, hookup with Mila Kunis in public a few more times, tool around with Andy Samberg or something. These are things you're good at, these are things that should be on your resume. HTML coding is something I'm pretty sure will never be on your resume though.

Chris Hansen Busted in Undercover Sting for Affair with Completely Legal Younger Woman

Daily Mail - He's made his name with a controversial show that catches would-be internet sex perverts in televised stings.But now Chris Hansen has found himself on the receiving end of his own hidden camera tactics, after the married NBC anchor was secretly filmed on an illicit date with a blonde television reporter 20 years his junior. Last weekend he was recorded taking Miss Caddell on a romantic dinner at the exclusive Ritz-Carlton hotel in Manalapan, before spending the night at her Palm Beach apartment.Hansen, who has two young sons, was caught in an undercover sting operation arranged by the National Enquirer.

Sounds to me like Someone at the National Enquirer had a score to settle with Chris Hansen, maybe an editor or a producers cousin was busted by one of Chris' homemade cookies and underage sexpot scams? Because this is complete bullshit and America should be outraged.

Here Chris is, standing up for and protecting your children from sexual perverts, one homemade pitcher of lemonade at a time, and this is how he's repaid? By an undercover sting exposing his own private matters? And completely legal matters I might add.

The guy is just providing the playbook for any would be pervs his show should be out there catching had it not been shut down for legal reasons. Like he guys, if you want to have an affair with a younger woman, this is how you do it.  You wine and dine a chic 20 years younger than you in fancy hotels in tropical locations. You bang her in the hotel room, and you fly home after the weekend. You don't show up for apple pie and fresh sweet tea at the parents house of some 16 year old you just met on Myspace (by the way, what a loss that was for perverts, huh? Pedophelia rates should plummet with that recent news).