Sorry to Harsh Your Vibe Stoners, But that Joint Is Killing Planet Earth

Sorry bro, those mellow vibes aren't healing the Ozone.

Freakonomics - While it might be all natural, it turns out that toking the green isn’t all that green. Especially if it’s grown indoors. A new study by Evan Mills, an energy analyst at the U.S. Department of Energy’s Lawrence Berkeley National Lab, examines the carbon footprint of the indoor marijuana industry. The results might kill your buzz if you’re an environmentalist...The analysis performed in this study finds that indoor Cannabis production results in energy expenditures of $5 billion each year, with electricity use equivalent to that of 2 million average U.S. homes. This corresponds to 1% of national electricity consumption or 2% of that in households. The yearly greenhouse-gas pollution (carbon dioxide, CO2 ) from the electricity plus associated transportation fuels equals that of 3 million cars. Energy costs constitute a quarter of wholesale value....Some of the biggest growing facilities have a carbon footprint on par with many industrial medical and technology operations. According to Mills, a typical indoor marijuana growing facility has “lighting as intense as that found in an operating room (500-times more than needed for reading), 6-times the air-change rate of a bio-tech laboratory and 60-times that of a home, and the electric power intensity of a data center.”

Harsh news for some mellow stoners. If you're an environmentalist and a stoner you may need to take a long, hard look at that doobie next time before you light the spliff.  Apparently all your peaceful vibes and good karma are straight up murdering this planet.

Unless people can just start growing bushels of this shit on their front lawns it's going to be mighty hard for your average "green" hippy to defend his next high with the usual arguments of:

"The government should just tax it maannn"...Sure but the government is also undergoing a gigantic green movement (whether it's true intentions are a cleaner earth or increased revenues is up for debate, but the fact remains that industries are being forced green).  I'm not sure you're going to be able to justify an indoor pot field that requires more energy than your average cancer treatment ward.

"Hemp can be used for just about anything, maaannnn, shirts, hats, satchels, even paper."  I never loved this one anyway, sorry I don't feel like wearing scratchy, cheap fabric in any form.  And I'm certainly not going to buy a legal pad of paper made of hemp.  Man kind perfected paper generations ago, we're not going back to using papyrus any time soon.  But aside from the point, it'll be hard to justify a cheap, ratty, stoner made hemp shirt that does more damage to the environment than Exxon Corp over a simple cotton grown t-shirt, especially since that whole slavery thing went away. Cotton's just the easy choice there.

Did I Ever Tell You About How I Got This Job?

Did I ever tell you about how I started working here?  See I got this job by accident.  Went a whole summer after college doing nothing, half heartedly going on job interviews to become a paralegal, living off graduation money, and chilling in my parents basement feverishly bidding on rookie baseball cards on eBay in hopes of striking it rich (I’m being entirely serious), and hanging on email chains with a couple of my friends while they slaved away in some cube.

Well summer was drawing to a close and I needed a job.  I’d blown a small fortune as far as college kids go on Fleer Ultras and Topps box sets, and was getting desperately close to not having enough cash to go to the bars on the weekends, it was time to take the job hunt seriously.

One of my aforementioned buddies snagged me an interview for a job I was completely unqualified and untrained for.  Apparently I nailed it, had to interview with two teams that day, but after the first interview the hiring manager legit told me, and I quote “pick your nose or something in the next interview so they don’t pick you because they have first bid.” 

I immediately knew that I had the job, and strangely but more importantly, I’d fit in despite my complete lack of industry knowledge.

Been there ever since, continually fooling people into believing I know more than I really do through bullshit and fancily worded e-mails.

I rag on a lot about how much I hate it at the job, and to be completely honest I dream of the day that I just say screw it I’m not going anymore.  But deep down I think I’d miss the company that gave me a shot I in no way deserved and then continued to promote me for reasons I’ve yet to comprehend, though I think it has something to do with the fact that most of the people I started with are gone leaving me as the lone ranger as everyone falls off.

I guess its true, 90% of life is just showing up

Philadelphia Offering Mail Order Columns For 11 Year Olds

Fox News - A new campaign by Philadelphia officials to reduce sexually transmitted diseases allows children as young as 11 to receive free condoms via mail order, outraging some parents who believe that's too early to start getting physical. he program, offered by the city's Department of Health, features a website that includes facts on diseases like Chlamydia, gonorrhea and HIV/AIDS, as well as detailed -- and playful -- instructions for young girls on how to use female condoms. "Every girl is different," TakeControlPhilly.org reads. "Figure out what position works for you. You can stand with one foot on a chair, sit on the edge of a chair, lie down, squat, or for fun, have your partner help you out." "Playing it safe just got easier," the website reads. "If you live in Philadelphia and are between the ages of 11 and 19, you can now have condoms mailed directly to you for FREE. Maybe it's difficult for you to stop by one of our sites to pick up condoms. Or maybe you're just shy or feeling weird about picking up condoms."

Legit, when I was 11, I wouldn't have known how to mail order anything, nevermind know what a condom was for.  I'd probably receive that shit in the mail and be terribly disappointed when I went to blow up the balloon and it had a slimy disgusting taste.  That would have ruined my day and no amount of snack time trade ups would have made it any better.

Honestly, look at that box.  Do you even think the average 11 year old can pronounce chlamydia or syphilis? Is this like an inner city kids thing? Do they know about this shit that young? When we were 11 in the 'burbs all we cared about was how many people were going to show up for the next game of Kick the Can or home run derby.  The biggest hullaballo at school was kids gathering around the bus stop and discussing last night's episode of Boy Meets World and ragging on the poor kids who watched 7th Heaven, even though we secretly all did.  Topanga had shit on Lucy Camden.

But even with our little elementary school crushes, I'm fairly certain if Lucy herself handed me a condom I would have laughed at her for getting ripped off for buying a trick balloon that tastes like shit.  Definitely wouldn't have been asking her if her favorite position was squatting or with one foot on a chair.  Would have just been two disappointed kids with no balloon animals to play with.

PS: One final question.  Even if they are sexually active, does an 11 year old need to worry about STD's? Who are the dirty hoes these playa's are running with? 6th grade skanks just sleeping around with high school kids and transmitting genital warts? WTF?

McDonalds Employees Arrested In Illegal Immigrant Round Up

Fox News - Two McDonald's Corp. restaurant managers in Savannah, Ga., were charged Wednesday with selling identities stolen from U.S. citizens to prospective workers -- a case that federal authorities said shows the risks employers are increasingly taking to mask the hiring of illegal immigrants. U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) said Wednesday that agents executed search warrants at two McDonald's outlets and the headquarters of McDonald's-NTG Enterprises, where they seized employee records and other evidence. The Savannah-based company owns and operates six McDonald's restaurants in the area. Agents arrested managers Oscar Lazo, 51, a Peruvian national, and Eva Ramos, 35, a U.S. citizen, as well as nine immigrants at the restaurants around noon Wednesday. They also arrested two Mexican nationals, former employees of McDonald's in the area at their homes, as well as a fifth defendant, for whom ICE did not release any information.

This is seriously going to hurt the McDonalds business model.

Of course they were selling ID's to prospective employees.  Have you ever tried to order an Oreo McFlurry lately?  You're lucky if you even get anything remotely close to ice cream by the time you reach the drive up window.  

90% of the time I order that Mcflurry, by the time you roll up, the dude in the window is handing me a bag with a couple random burgers and a large fry with a sheepish look on his face, like "yea I have no clue what you said, I just got here last week and nailed this sweet job though, so please don't blow it for me." And I don't.  He'll figure out eventually that his job sucks and minimum wage aint going to pay for the Crib's lifestyle he watched on some dubbed version of MTV, probably end up in a triple decker in Chelsea defending his front door with a shotgun.  

Plus, who am I kidding.  I'm totally eating that burger and fries, just make me whole and fetch a Mcflurry and we're all good amigo.  

Awkward Pat Downs Continue, TSA Gropes A 6 Year Old Would Be Terrorist

CNN - Here, a 6-year-old is filmed by her parents as she gets the full TSA pat-down treatment at an airport in New Orleans.

Its been a while since there was a good old, TSA groping scandal, and if CNN has decided it's time to bring back this tried and true page view generator, well then it's time for the 'Tabs as well. 

This week's controversy brought to us by a 6 year old child/potential would be terrorist.  Apparently this has parents up in arms everywhere.  Have they forgotten 6 year olds can be terrorists? Like they don't have children over there in the Middle East all of a sudden?

Wake up people.  This is our country's safety we're talking about.  Like, cute little Mohammed Bin Saddam may look all innocent, reading his Curious George Book.  That is until you find out the kids got a block of C4 under that propeller cap of his. 

And don't stop with the toddlers either. Babies in diapers are a real threat as well.  It may not be a pretty or glamorous job, but someone needs to check those bulging huggies.  Sure you may just end up with a handful of shit,  but I'll feel much safer knowing that awkward smell coming from the baby in front of me is just poo, and not some fertilizer bomb this evil genius baby is about to ignite mid flight. 

Indonesian Lawmaker Quits After Getting Caught Watching Porn In Parliament

JAKARTA - An Indonesian lawmaker quit politics Monday after he was caught watching pornography on his tablet computer during a parliament session.  Arifinto was photographed watching porn on his computer in parliament on Friday. The lawmaker said he had opened a link in an email sent to him from an anonymous person, adding it was not stored on his computer. Pornography is taboo in Indonesia, the world's largest Muslim nation. The country was shocked in recent months by the internet publication of homemade sex videos involving three popular celebrities. And the Indonesian government in January threatened to close down the Blackberry phone service unless the company filtered porn sites for customers using the handsets.


Honestly, you have to feel a little bad for this guy here.  I mean it's not entirely his fault, no need to fall on the sword buddy.  He's a guy, the ability to hunt out and find porn is coded in our DNA, its genetic.  We're not even trying to find it half the time, we kind of just stumble upon it, like a compass pointing north.


Look at Father Time up above.  Guy probably never used a computer a day in his life, yet he walks into the Apple store, probably looking for fruit, and boom, guys an internet genius surfing the net for free porn.  It happens before you know it, and half the time you didn't even mean to find it.


Just this morning I was googleing for images related to a blog typed in something along the lines of pan handler, blogger and sue, and all of sudden the images were returning scandalously clad female bums, who happened to be strangely attractive.  So it really can happen to anyone.


The real person to blame here is the guy who took the photo. Who Narc's out a fellow politician? And like that guy's not at home right now slobbering over the photo? Come on.

Blogger Sues Huffington Post Seeking to Be Paid $105 Million for all the Free Blogs He Previously Agreed to Write.

NEW YORK (CNNMoney) -- A longtime Huffington Post blogger has filed a lawsuit against the site, its two co-founders and new owner AOL, seeking $105 million on behalf of himself and 9,000 other unpaid bloggers...Tasini says Arianna Huffington personally invited him to blog for the Huffington Post in 2005, shortly after the site launched. He subsequently wrote 216 unpaid posts for the site, though he stopped blogging after AOL (AOL) agreed to buy it on February 7. AOL's $315 million Huffington Post purchase served as the catalyst for the lawsuit. Tasini says HuffPo's 9,000 unpaid bloggers deserve a large cut of the windfall. "The value added by the content provided by [the unpaid bloggers] to TheHuffingtonPost.com's price was at least $105 million, none of which was shared," the legal complaint says....HuffPo bloggers, Tasini says, "are merely slaves on Arianna's plantation. We do all the work and she won't share a dime." A Huffington Post spokesman said "the lawsuit is without merit." He compared the site's unpaid bloggers with the "hundreds of people [who] go on TV shows to promote their views and ideas." He also pointed out bloggers can cross-post their work on other sites, and that the company does employ a full-time, paid staff as well.

Whoa, whoa. Easy Jonathan.  You kind of had me until you went off the reservation there with the "Slaves on Arianna's plantation" comment.  I mean, you're white bro.  You know how slavery worked here, right?

So that didn't help your case at all with me, but what sealed it is I realized that I'm in Arianna's position here and quite frankly if The Maestro or Dr. Jack came to me right now demanding $105 million for their "free" contributions, I'd 100% say no.   Like sorry guys, you knew the deal when you started.  Sure we may rake a few advertising dollars here and there,  enough for a medium sub and a fountain drink at subway, but that money can only stretch so far.  $105 million just seems unrealistic for a handful of contributions.

And sure HuffPo's situation may be a little different.  No giant media conglomerates have coming pounding on The Alt-Tab's door seeking to buy me out, yet anyway, but I can't help but feel that this still doesn't entitle Jonathan to jack shit.  

You knew the deal, you knew you were writing for free. Unless you were up in arms about not getting a cut of her advertising dollars before the deal you really don't have a case here.  Just a greedy individual seeking a quick payday, which I respect, I just don't agree with.  I'd sign up to blog for Huffpo the second they contact me, for free too.  What better way to build name recognition and a fan base for your own personal site?  It's no ones fault but your own if you didn't capitalize on writing for a site that attracts millions of readers monthly into hits for your own website. 

Elderly Mother Falls and Can't Get Up, Twin Sons Ignore Her Because the BCS Championship Game Was On

HOUSTON -- Twin Houston men were charged Tuesday with the murder of their 89-year-old mother after police say the pair allowed her to die on the floor in their foyer after she fell, then lived for three months with her decomposing, bug-infested corpse. Edwin Larry Berndt and his brother, Edward Christian Berndt, both 48, were arrested Monday when police went to check on Sybil Berndt, prompted by a neighbor who called to say the elderly woman had not been seen since January. The home was in "deplorable condition and smelled terribly," and the elderly Berndt was lying face down on the floor of the foyer, according to the documents. Sybil Berndt was dressed in a nightgown pulled up under her arms and was not wearing underwear. The body was in an advanced state of decomposition and insects were crawling around it, the documents said. The brothers told police their mother had fallen and died, and that they didn't have enough money to bury her. They said they didn't call police because they didn't want to go to jail. Police searched the home and found bank statements from JP Morgan Chase totaling about $700,000, according to court documents...On Jan. 10, Edwin Berndt said he and his brother were watching the BCS Championship football game when their mother "came in ranting and raving and she then fell down and did not get up." He said they decided to leave her on the floor because they didn't have money to provide her with medical treatment. For the first day, Sybil Berndt was conscious and able to speak, but did not ask for any help, Edwin Berndt said. His brother said they didn't give her any food or water while she lay on the floor. Three days later, on Jan. 13, the elderly woman died, Edwin Berndt told police. He told them he remembered the date because it was a day after her 89th birthday.

No shit, my initial reaction to this was, "Oh, well they're from Texas."  Like I've just come to expect these kind of outside the realm of normal society stories from Texas.   I just feel like anything goes down there, as long as it takes place on your own property.  

I 100% wouldn't be shocked if nothing happens to these twins. I'm pretty sure in Mass they'd be checked in as wards of the state at some mental hospital. You can't necessarily bag them for murder, plus their mom apparently didn't ask for help, didn't want to interrupt the BCS Championship game, obviously.  Beyond that I'm not sure Texans have laws governing the cleanliness of their homes, or disposal of corpses.  It's literally the wild west.

Oh, and the Med-Alert (Help I've Fallen and I can't get Up!) people should be all over this in their next commercial, this broad would be alive today if she had one.  Plus the advertising practically writes itself:  

"Fallen and can't get up but don't want to interrupt your loved ones while they watch the big game? Med-Alert will get you back on your feet by half time, just in time to prepare your guests snacks."

Catchy, right?

Mass Special Interest Group Puts Up Billboard Urging Voter Identification, Rep's for Illegal Latinos Object.

She doesn't look Latino?

SOUTHBRIDGE - Latino advocates are blasting a billboard erected near a largely Latino district in Southbridge that demands voters show ID on Tuesday's special election primary for a Statehouse seat. The billboard, sponsored by Tea Party-connected groups Empower Massachusetts and Show ID to Vote, tells voters to "protect the integrity of the vote" and "show ID." The groups say they also will dispatch "poll observers" to monitor the 6th Worcester District House special primary Tuesday between incumbent state Rep. Geraldo Alicea and Joanne Powell, both Charlton Democrats, Alejandra St. Guillen, executive director of Oiste, a group that helps Latinos in Massachusetts run for office, says the billboard and the observers are meant to intimidate Latino voters.

Umm, yea you hit it right on the head Alejandra, this billboard is meant to intimidate Latino voters.  You know the ones that aren't registered citizens and legally allowed to vote? Yes it is meant to intimidate them from doing something illegal.   You must be, like, a legal scholar huh?  I can't believe you caught on to the sinister plan to keep undocumented people from taking part in our country's political process.

And please don't take this as CW's endorsement of those fanatical Tea Party loons.  Couldn't be farther from it.  I've just always been astounded by how loose our voter identification standards are.  I myself am a Jr. and as a result I've ran into situations where the two little old ladies keeping track of the registry have just assumed I was my father at first.  Because 18 year old CW looked exactly like his mid 40's father.  Seriously, I could have just voted twice and no one would have known.  

Plus it's not just latino's, white people are just as at fault.  I had one guy in a class back in college who proudly told us he'd voted no fewer than 3x times in the past 5 elections.  Like it wasn't a big deal.  Just found out the names of some older people, or others that he knew wouldn't vote and voted as them.  Vote early, vote often, right?

I need to show my ID when buying cough syrup and allergy meds at Stop & Shop, I think we as a society will be ok if we require citizens to provide a form of ID before voting for our elected officials.  I mean, just ask Lawrence if they want this, probably would have avoided this whole Willy Lantigua situation.