I'd Kill to be one of China's Mouse Tribe

I think CNN needs a new translating correspondent.  You see that guys smile, ear to ear.  That's not the face of a guy troubled by his living situation, and really, why should it be?  You show me a guy who didn't dream of living in an underground tunnel fort as a kid and I'll show you a bald-faced liar.  

Still, tunnel is a bit misleading, and that's disappointing.  I mean call a spade a spade, that apartment is just the basement level of an old school buidling.  Not exactly the make shift fort in the subterranean tunnel world the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles led me to believe existed. 

Ladies and Gentelmen, The Orlando Magic, A Bunch of Pussies

Yea, you're a real bully Dwight. Delusional.

 These are legit quotes from the Celtics demoralization of the Magic on Sunday (yes I wish I wasn't lazy and had posted this before the C's followed their victory up by losing to the Bobcats).  All from ESPN:

Quentin Richardson on being bullied by KG and Pierce:

Quentin Richardson got a lot of feedback last spring, most of it positive, he said, when he called out Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce for being good "actresses" during the Boston Celtics' first-round series with the Miami Heat during last season's playoffs...."I'm not going there again," he said, when asked about the "actresses" comment. "But a lot of people called me and liked it. Everyone knows how they [the Celtics] play, some of the stuff they do. You've got eyes. You saw it. It's not always good."...

SVG on Turkoglu's disappearing act:

Said Van Gundy of Turkoglu, "I don't like the way he is playing at all. I don't like his decision-making. I don't like his energy. … I'm sort of saying: What the hell is he doing?"...

 Gilbert Arenas, on why he sucked yesterday:

Arenas going scoreless in 15 minutes. Arenas couldn't remember the last time that had happened to him, adding, "I guess there's a first for everything." He also said he has trouble with afternoon games because they prevent him from having breakfast.

 Dwight Howard, on his image:

"It shouldn't have even been a foul," Howard said. "It makes me look like a bully, which is not the case."

 And finally:

 The Magic were not happy with the refereeing trio of Dick Bavetta, Jason Phillips and Olandis Poole, whose calls gave the Celtics a 34-16 advantage in free throws. That was part of it as well.

How mind fucked are these softies?  

Hey Dwight Howard, you're about the biggest guy in the league, maybe you want to look like a bully?  Rajon Rondo strolled through your lane and basically stuffed it down your pooper all afternoon long.  A light breeze could knock Rondo on his ass, trust me, I don't think anyone in the Celts  locker room is looking at you like a bully right now.

 

And Gilbert, really? How many more excuses are you going to come up with before you just admit that you have the knees of an 80 year old and the jump shot of 2nd team rec-league all-star at this point.  I noticed you don't go by Agent Zero anymore, probably a good choice. Nicknames aren't as funny when they're true. You could have eaten all the Wheaties you wanted, you would have still looked like you should have been competing in the half time, half court shoot out.

Stan Van Gundy, how about not selling out your own player in Turkoglu and, you know, attempting to coach?  Your team's outside shooting was about as accurate as Michael J Fox vs Muhammed Ali in a game of HORSE yesterday.  Maybe you want to run some screen and rolls? Tell your team to drive to the basket?

Don't bitch about foul shot discrepancies when your team is 3/24 from 3pt land and your wings were 13 for 50 over all.  Did you not notice Dwight Howard basically outscoring the Celtics entire team in the 1st quarter? Would it have been too obvious to keep pounding it inside to him?

God I hope the Celts play these mental midgets in the first round.

Arod Being Arod at the Super Bowl

Fox News - During the game on Sunday, FOX cameras caught Diaz hand-feeding her Yankee popcorn as they watched the Steelers and the Packers battle it out.  “I’m sure Alex is thrilled we just put the camera on him at that moment,” the commentator said of the affectionate moment, now broadcast around the world.

Actually, I'm sure he is thrilled. Yea, the limp wrist kind of ruins the picture, but this is exactly the message super star athletes making a kajillion dollars a year should be sending.  This guy is in charge, he  knows it, she knows, it and now the whole world knows it.  Frankly, I'm a little frightened as a sox fan.  

The stars of the NFL could learn a thing or two from Arod.  This isn't some ordinary hoochie he assaulted in a dive bar bathroom, or some slut sideline reporter who rejected him after he texted his dick pics to her.  This is $20 million per movie Cameron Diaz, and he's got her hand feeding him during the Super Bowl so he doesn't have to look down and miss any of the action.  Look at that perfect form. Eyes up at the jumbo tron, head tilted slightly back for ideal digestion posture, and arm guarding against any potential stains on his shirt. Guy is in midseason form and pitchers and catchers haven't even reported yet. 

Woman Gives Birth to 13 Pound Baby

METHUEN (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - A local couple is beaming after delivering a big bundle of joy at Holy Family Hospital...Meet Johnathan Patrick, just days old, coming into the world on Feb. 3, weighing a whopping 13 pounds. 13.26 pounds to be exact...The average size baby, by the way, is just six pounds.


You've got to feel bad for the husband here, if this wasn't a C-section he's in for a miserable rest of his life, divorce being his only savior.


First off, he's not going to win an argument or fight for the remainder of this relationship.  "Hunny I'm too tired to grow to the grocery store" will be met with "I passed a watermelon through my vagina." Disagree on where to go on vacation? She passed a human being the size of the jumbo jet you're going to fly on, she's choosing where you go. End of argument. Husbands have it hard enough with your average 6 pound baby, nevermind this guy spawning fat albert in his wife's womb.  Just a lifetime of oppression ahead for this guy.

And then, not to be too distasteful, but obviously things are never going to be the same in the bedroom.  I have to believe once your wife passes the equivalent of two whole gallons of milk out her baby-maker things just aren't going to fall back into place, and frankly I'm sick just thinking of it, nevermind living it.

Super Bowl Leftovers

Similar to CW's frige this morning, though I think these college students have more real food than I do today

I'd wager to say there is no odder morning to open your fridge as a supposed adult than the day after hosting people for the Super Bowl.  A brief scan of my fridge and kitchen this morning led me to believe I was experiencing Dejavu, half believing I'd transported back in time to my college apartment.

On the counters, enough scattered beer bottles to make a homeless person mildly jealous, half a fridge full of unopened beers (would definitely make a homeless person jealous), unexplained blocks of cheese, 90% finished off bags of tostitos, seemingly dozens of plates covered in salsa (honestly there were just 4 of us, I have no idea how we ended up with that many plates), a few boxes of "authentic frozen mexican food" strewn about, and a half eaten tray of brownies. 

Of course the delusion/fantasy ended when I scanned the rest of the room and saw that my furniture wasn't assembled from a scattering of yard sale and Salvation Army purchases, and the art on my walls was actually art instead of the standard half naked chic posters, the John Belushi in animal house poster that gets handed out on the first day of college, and blacklight art work posters.

Do You Blow Your Nose or Sniff?

Suck it up guy

A debate has been raging in my house hold for a while now, over a question as old as time.  Do you blow your nose, or sniff everything in?

I'm firmly in the sniffer category. I probably blow my nose 2.5-3 times per year, and only on those truly stuffed up occasions where sniffing just isn't getting the job done.  And before everyone gets all self-righteous on me about "oh it's so gross, blah,blah,blah" just know that I find you blowing your nose just as disgusting.

At least I have the common courtesy to keep whats mine, mine.  Not like every other Tom, Dick and Sally just blowing expectorate and snot wherever they please.  And don't give me any crap about using tissues.  Do you honestly think that razor thin slice of paper is keeping us safe from all your germs? And I'm not talking about people at home alone, or in the bathroom, I'm talking about the rest of you who just blow it wherever you please. 

If you're blowing your nose in your cube I have a question for you, where do you wash your hands? Or how about out in a mall, a store, a bar? I don't see ya'll running to wash off the translucent booger matter that is without a doubt now trapped on your hands.

And that doesn't even tough upon the freaks carrying around hankerchiefs. Yea you're the picture of health and manners shoving wadded up napkins of boggers into your pocket.  Gross bro, gross.

So go ahead and judge me, just know that my snot has never led to any spreading of bird, swine, or any other mammal based flu.

If You're Fat Chances Are You Can Blame Your Mom

(CNN) -- The length of a mother's employment is associated with an increase in her child's body mass index, according to a study in the journal Child Development...Morrissey and her co-authors observed the increase in children's BMI -- which, at third grade, was approximately a 1-pound gain for every six months the child's mother worked. The weight gain was cumulative and the link became stronger as the children matured into fifth- and sixth-grade in the analysis of 900 children.These types of studies upset Susan Wenner Jackson, who blogs on Working moms against guilt."I get sick of all these studies coming out that seem to say being a working mom equals harming your children," she said. "I've seen a bunch of them -- the kids don't get as much attention, they aren't good readers."

Hey guy, I don't think your mom working 40 hours a week when you were 6 has anything to do with you polishing off that Double Quarter Pounder and large fries as your late night snack when you're in your 20's.

Is it just me or is there a new reason why kids grow up fat dealing with their mothers every 9 months? My mom didn't breast feed me, my mom works full time, my mom drives an ice cream truck and brings her work home. When will the madness end. Are fat people the only ones running studies in this country? Because the studies never point the finger at themselves. Like maybe instead of playing Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball on Nintendo you should have got outside and played wiffle ball growing up.  And instead of sitting at home wallowing about how your mom made you fat now you could take a walk or join a gym?

Personally, if I had to blame anyone, I'd blame the schools.  All these initiatives about every child being special and anti-bullying programs are making kids soft and mushy in the mid-section.  I'm not that old but I remember a distinct change from when I was a 3rd grader to when I was a 7th or 8th grader.  3rd grade we all had to pass Presidential fitness programs and anyone who didn't was roundly mocked and picked on, gym teachers turned a blind eye. And you know what, those kids passed the next time.  Wedgies as a motivator cannot be overstated at that age.  7th and 8th grade rolled around and suddenly we weren't allowed to play dodge ball anymore, and if kids wanted to walk or opt out of the 15 minute jog around the fields they could just take a check-minus for the day.  Think about that. You couldn't even fail kids for not participating in gym, you just gave them a check-minus.  And no one thinks that gives fat kids the wrong lesson?

Snow Blowing On the Roof (vid inside)

Good old fashioned American Ingenuity right there, I've seen a slew of these snow blower on roof videos in the past few days and I gotta tell you, it beats the hell out of the alternatives. 

I'm not quite sure how people are getting the snow blowers up there but I think I'd rather go through the trouble of figuring that out than having a neighbor watch me lay out some panty-hose filled with salt and ammonium oxide and lay them out on my roof (or for that matter have to go through the check-out line at Target with 5 packs of panty hose, I'll just assume they call the police as soon as you exit the building when a guy makes that kind of purchase). 

The other alternative is apparently hiring Department of Corrections crews to shovel your roof off.  Because there is nothing that comforts me more than having a few convicted fellon crawling around on my roof or my school's roof with shovel as weapons.  Seems like a wise idea.

When is a Mustache Acceptable?

CW attemtped to grow a mustache yesterday, half in jest, half curious as to the reactions it would receive (note reactions overwhelmingly pointed to shaving it this morning). I'm always at a loss when I see someone that has never had a mustache before and all of a sudden comes into work with a fresh Saddam Hussein classic.  It got me musing about when it becomes acceptable to grow a 'stache

Professions - Obviously there are some professions where this is more acceptable than others. There are the obvious semi-mandatory jobs where it's weird if you don't rock a mustache (cops, firefighters to some extent, and male porn stars).  Two that fly right under the radar in the mustache-aficionado world? Lumberjacks and Janitors. If there is anything the Brawny man has taught us is that those who clear trees wear mustaches, though no one is quite sure why yet.  Janitors, think back to childhood, those friendly folks (maybe a little too friendly sometimes...) sweeping the floors and cleaning up our cafes always had mustaches. Now think about your office...ditto right? I'd argue that 2/3rds of all janitors rock mustache's, females included.  As for why, its fairly obvious, either to disguise themselves from anyone who might recognize them and find out they're a janitor. Or, to allow the easy change of appearance for when they skip town on sexual assault charges (funny list of more professions here).

Age- Well obviously CW was too young to attempt this.  My attempt looked downright creepy, and almost as if I'd simply forgotten to shave my lip. Not a good look. The girlfriend was calling me Pablo (apparently facial hair has racial implications). Pennypacker ignored it until I brought it up, at which point he said he noticed it but wasn't sure if he should say something, in other words he treated me like someone with a physical defect.  That was all the evidence I needed.  I still don't know the age where an American male is rightfully allowed to grow a mustache but I'm going to assume it's sometime after 30.  I'll try again in a few years.  

The good news for all you Arab-Americans, though you may lack many of the fundamental civil liberties us white folks take for granted, google searches have indicated that it's acceptable for males of Arab descent to grow a mustache as young as 13-14 years old.