A Good Old Fashioned Batch of Links

I'll be honest, I got a lot of shit to do at work today and just don't have time to babysit the blog, so here's a lazy batch of links:

Man Arrested for Stealing $60,000 Worth of Toilet Paper - And I feel ashamed buying the 24 pack...How do you fence that much TP? I can't imagine you just roll up back of a Target and give a shady whistle to the guys on the loading dock and ask them if they'd like to make a deal...and more importantly perhaps, what percentage of toilet paper I buy is from the black market? I want my TP pure, the last thing I need is to be thinking about the organized crime I may be funding while I'm wiping my ass.


Chicago Sausage Sellers Bicker Over Who's More Original - All do respect to Jim's Original Chicago Sausages, but your last name is Husain. Based on that alone, I'm inclined to believe that: 1) You don't have a friend named Jim, and 2) Your sausages are derivative and mediocre at best. Sorry, in general I'm not a picky food guy but I have two hard rules for myself: A) Don't buy Sausages from guys named Husain, and B) Don't buy burgers from guys named Bin Laden.

Beyonce's Baby Bigger Twitter News Than Bin Laden - Which comes as a surprise to absolutely no one who has ever clicked on a trending hash-tag on twitter...if you don't know what I mean click on any of the following trending topics for today: #whyyobaby , #schoolflow , "A Bag of Weed."

Cause: Boy Throwing Rocks At Passing Cars, Effect: Passenger Fires Cross Bow At Boy -No one has been arrested, and that's the way it should remain, Cops shouldn't even waste their time...Also, cross bows can't easily be concealed under the seat or anything, where the hell are they storing that thing?

Smarmy High School Kid Builds Tiny House in Parents Back Yard

NY Daily News - Like many other teenagers, 16-year-old Austin Hay was sick of living at home. Unlike other kids, he started building his own – from scratch. In a video posted on Faircompanies.com, the high school junior from Sonoma County, Calif., gives a tour of his progress. He's built the home on a trailer, which he bought used for $2,000, so he can take it with him when he goes to college – and beyond. Sonoma County is home to many of the pioneers of the small house movement, according to Faircompanies.com, and before he started construction, Austin attended a tiny house open house led by Jay Shafer of Tumbleweed Tiny House Company, who gave him plans to build his own tiny home. Austin has been working on the project behind his parents' much larger (1,800-square-foot) home, financing it with money from jobs at a summer camp and a snack bar. Tiny homes typically cost about $23,000 to build, but Austin thinks he will get the cost down to about $12,000 because he's been able to find materials at salvage yards plus some have been donated.

Austin, Austin, Austin. I get it, I see what you're doing.  Parents have a "no girls in  your room" policy that you're chafing under. Simple solution, build your own house in their backyard, right? Wrong. Sure it'll work in the short term, got your own Little Rascals clubhouse in the backyard, you'll probably be able to lure a couple of naive high school girls over after school, but what's best case scenario? Making out with some heavy petting? You're not hitting a home run in a glorified tree house, and while 2nd base might hold you over through high school, you're looking very shortsighted. Because soon enough you're going to be off to college. College girls hook up, you have your own room, with heat, electricity, and plumbing across the hall. But soon as the girls hear you're kind of a weirdo who camped out in a children's play house in your parents backyard for the past two years? Good luck.

Sheets Energy: Where Do You Take A Sheet

"I take a sheet on the second floor at work...for privacy" - CW

 Is it just me or did the plummer look like he had to take a "sheet" as they were filming this thing? 

Empty Nester Is Depressed About Not Having Nagging, Needy Children Anymore

Boston - I wasn’t wrong about their leaving. My husband kept telling me I was. That it wasn’t the end of the world when first one child, then another, and then the last packed their bags and left for college. But it was the end of something. “Can you pick me up, Mom?’’ “What’s for dinner?’’ “What do you think?’’ I was the sun and they were the planets. And there was life on those planets, whirling, nonstop plans and parties and friends coming and going, and ideas and dreams and the phone ringing and doors slamming.And I got to beam down on them. To watch. To glow. And then they were gone, one after the other. “They’ll be back,’’ my husband said. And he was right. They came back. But he was wrong, too, because they came back for intervals, not for always, not planets anymore, making their predictable orbits, but unpredictable, like shooting stars. Always is what you miss. Always knowing where they are. At school. At play practice. At a ballgame. At a friend’s. Always looking at the clock midday and anticipating the door opening, the sigh, the smile, the laugh, the shrug. “How was school?’’ answered for years in too much detail. “And then he said … and then I said to him… .’’ Then hardly answered at all... “I don’t know what I’m going to do without them,’’ she has said every day for months. And I have said nothing, because, really, what is there to say?

Hey Lady- Take a vacation or something. Sleep in instead of getting up to pack brown bag lunches, make selfish plans for just you and your husband, but for the love of god stop complaining.  "Oh poor me, I've got so much free time as a stay at home mom with no kids left living at home." Come on lady, that's the dream.  I spent an hour and a half Sunday night trying to think of ways I could make a living doing just that, just sitting around the house, eating leftover pizza and calzones, watching tv, surfing the net, prepare the occasional dinner and clean up once a week or so. I'd be content as a pig in shit. You know the first thing I would do? Buy two cast iron bathtubs and slap them down in the backyard Cialis style.

Now granted I'm not a parent, but even I know the goal from the minute child number one is brought home and messes up his parent's sleeping schedule, is to get that kid to a point where he can live outside of the house. I mean that's it. All that nostalgia after the fact that they're gone is just that, nostalgia. Sure you'll miss them, they're your kid. But think of the diapers, the sleepless nights, the calls from school, the yelling between siblings, having to cook every day, all the laundry, rides to school, rides to sports, rides to friends...it's like bringing up an complete invalid for the first 15-16 years. Why wouldn't you want that out of your house? I'd throw myself a "My Kids Are All Out of the House Party!" The second they backed out of the driveway. Other empty-nesters only.  Get back to being yourselves, laugh at the same jokes you used to without saying things like earmuffs, have a couple of more drinks than you'd usually allow, less you wake up with a terrific hangover and a kid that can't figure out how to make a bowl of cereal for himself, and watch the R-rated moves that you missed out on for the last 20 years.

Anything but complain about your new-found freedom...that's just annoying.

CNN Reports On: Genetically Modified-Bullet Proof Spider Goats...The End of Man

What the fuck were these guys thinking, this is going to get us all killed. I mean the first thing this guy says about spiders is that they’re a problem because they’re canabilistic. And that’s when they’re just tiny spiders. Why the hell would you infuse cannibalistic devil genes from spiders into bullet proof goats. 

What’s the end game here ? You know they’re going to turn on you at some point. Like sure this army of goat commando’s sounds great, should wrap up the war in Afghanistan in a matter of weeks, but what happens then? You think Rambo goats are just going to sit around and graze in the fucking field all day? For sure not, they’re going to be looking for the next land to conquer, and then the next, and then the next. Until there’s no where else to turn but home...Screw worrying about artificial intelligence rising up against us, this is the real threat.

Boston Globe Answers Tough Question: What's the Difference Between Red and Black Licorice?

Ask Dr. Knowledge - Real licorice, which is in black licorice candy, is made from the roots of the licorice plant, which can also be spelled liquorice. Red licorice isn’t really licorice at all, except in name. It’s just a red candy, which can be made with many different flavorings, including strawberry, cherry, raspberry, and cinnamon. Despite similarities in taste, licorice is not related to anise or fennel. American, Chinese, and European varieties of the licorice plant are all slightly different but have many similarities.

Yea, what he said, and also, Black licorice is fucking disgusting. Are you kidding me Dr. Knowledge? You take the time to research an extremely well thought and scientific answer and you miss the most obvious difference (aside from actual color)?  I don't care what it's made out of, I'll eat that red rope candy by the pound, I will not go near black licorice or black jelly beans to save my life. That's the real difference.

Side note: How is it that candy companies even still make black licorice? I mean how many people actually like this stuff? 1-100? 1-500? It's gross. I know 2 people that like it. 2! Out of everyone I know and have met. I just can't see how that's a profitable business to be in.

I Have Nothing to Contribute to Small Talk

Consider the most common question: "How's it going?"

I hate that question. It's the bane of my existance, and I'm guessing most of yours. Seriously, unless you've got a really fulfilling job saving lives or working on something really interesting, you've never had a good answer for that question (and since you're reading this blog, your job can't be important or interesting). I avoid that question like the plague, you either know me well enough to know how I'm doing or I don't talk to you. Plain and simple, you're not going to get to ask me that question unless you've got me cornered in some awkward social situation and I've got no-where to go.

Like, what are people expecting here? Some kind of open diatribe on how the last 2 weeks  to a month have gone for me? I got news for you, it's pretty boring and simple. I wake up, I blog, I go to work, I come home, maybe jog/probably watch tv, eat, go to bed. Occasionally there's a wildcard thrown in there, but even then it's something mundane like, got a hair cut or, changed a flat tire.  It's nothing life altering, I'll assure you of that. Believe me I'll knock on the door of every person I know if something life altering happens, you'll know.

My standard answers run down to:


"The Same" - Translation: "You see me fairly regularly, you know I've got nothing going on, what are you hassling me for?" A fairly quick way to snuff out that conversation. Let's face it, I've got nothing going on, and neither do you or you would have already volunteered it.

"You know, the usual, working for the weekends" - Translation: "I haven't seen you for a while and/or don't really know you and don't really feel like reconnecting or getting to know you, and if you follow up and ask me what my job is all about, I'll probably blatantly walk away from you." This is really reserved for old schoolmates, friends you've lost touch with, or acquaintances you were never really friends with anyway but they feel obligated to talk to you when you randomly bump into each other in line at the supermarket.


"I Have a Blog Now" - Translation: "I'm desperately trying to divert attention away from the fact that I've had basically the same basic job for 5 years now, just with a few different titles, it's boring as all hell and I really don't like explaining it to people because that means I actually have to think about my job while I'm not working." You know me, we probably haven't spoken in a while but I actually am interested in reconnecting, I'm just not willing to talk about my obscenely boring life.

That's it. Those are my answers. I literally have nothing else to contribute to small talk beyond those three answers. You want to talk about sports, beer, politics, random forms of technology, I'm all for it, you want to shoot the shit about nothing, that's what you'll get. 

Obama Really Needs to Step His Celebrity Game Up if He Wants to Get Re-Elected

Where did Cool Barry go? I want Cool Barry Back!

And I say this because I just spent the week on vacation in the Vineyard and the POTUS was only 3rd on my list of celebrities I was hoping to run into during the week…and that’s only of celebs I knew were there, he could have been further down the list for all I know. I suppose its partially not his fault, it’s hard to compete for the attention the same week Larry David and Morgan Freeman are patrolling around town, but still, CW 3 years ago would have been salivating at the chance to bump into Barry, now…not. I mean yea if I saw him I’d say hi, not like I’d snub him on the golf course or anything. I just wouldn’t be enthused.

But here's the thing, he absolutely needs that rock star status to get re-elected. Let's face it, he's not going to get re-elected based on his policy or presidency to date...I mean he's not horrible, he's just not been very good either. Basically he's like a C+ student, right in the meaty part of the curve, which is fine for high school students, awful for Commander in Chiefs (though decidedly better than his predecessor who was like the kid who was so slow he stayed back in the 3rd grade). 

Bottom line, no one's ever gotten elected when his voters would rather bump into the dude who'll probably play him in the movie about his presidency (Freeman) over the actual guy, that's a weak look that will not fly with the voters (of course this all may be moot if every Republican candidate continues to quote Bible scripture and praise Biblical storms, those wackadoos are not getting elected anyway).

2011: The Year Technology Was Discovered By Parents and Became Uncool

Most Definitely Not a Scene from the Next Apple Commercial

Observation from Vacation: Babyboomers are starting to use modern technology and it's funny and horrifying all at the same time.

Case in point, first half of my vaca was spent down in South Carolina with my fathers extended family at a beach house. It’s an annual trip, and a simple one at that, beach during the day, Boston pub four blocks away at night. You can’t really mess it up.

Unless your parents and aunts and uncles decided this was the year they’d turn the corner to hip and all get Ipads. I don’t know if its some kind of weird technology based mid-life crisis or what but there were laptops fired up, Bluetooth connections everwhere, crazy questions about Facebook and profile security, phrases like “do you do the twittering”, and “how do I load-down this”, and the always present Ipad.

Just a bizarre scene, at one point I watched as my uncle and mother each walked their Ipads down to the bar for some free wifi and proceeded to “facetime” each other, just to see how it works. I’d have been laughing my ass off if I wasn’t keenly aware that our table with the middle aged geeks of the weeks was the center of attention. I wish I filmed it, as an avowed apple hater nothing would have made all those apple hipsters feel less cool than seeing these two awkwardly try to interact via webcam while sitting a foot away from each other in a bar, but alas. The 2011 family vaca will forever be the vacation I remember as the year technology became uncool.

Now excuse me while I go call my telephone company about getting a landline installed over here…I need some excuse as to why I haven’t accepted my parents facebook request yet.

Check Out This Bro's Where's Waldo Tattoo

Daily Mail - One Where's Wally fan will always be able to find his favourite stripy-shirted children's character - after having him tattooed on his back. Music producer John Mosley , 22, sat patiently for 24 hours while tattooist Rytch Soddy created a scene featuring150 characters and Wally hiding among them. The artwork was created in s studio in Norwich and raised £2,000 for charity.

Bro, 2000 quid for that shit? I think you got ripped off. This was like the equivalent of the first page or two of Where's Waldo, the easy ones that kids can solve themselves, for 2,000 pounds you should get one of the real difficult ones that you had to run and get your dad to help out with.

Plus, a quick google search reveals several people with Waldo tattoos, but you know what you can't find? Anyone with a 3D Art Tattoo. Now there's a challenge, you think strangers rolling up to you looking for a red and white hipster is weird, just wait until you've got throngs of people surrounding you squinting their eyes trying to get a glimpse of a sailboat silhouette. That'll get awkward real quick.

Re-Post Re-Minder: The Alt-Tab on Off-Broadway Tonight! A Match Made in Heaven

 THE ALT-TAB IS GOING TO BROADWAY! (Well, off broadway, but I felt the caps locks and Broadway would be more attention grabbing).  Yep, that's right, we've finally made it, Lively Productions, will be putting on a show titled "Blogologues: I Need a Vocation" on August 29th at Under St. Marks theater in New York.  The show will feature the performances of several different blogs, obviously including our very own "Office Etiquette: Washing Your Hands at Work" post (reading it back I hope they correct my grammatical errors, I'm not one to waste a lot of time on spell checking). I'm certain they just stumbled upon us one day and were taken a-back by the enormous writing talent and story telling ability that is CW. Frankly, I'm shocked producers aren't lined up around the corner bidding for my creative genius services, but it's a down economy, I get it.

So anyway, if you're in the NY area this coming Monday check out the show, its playing at 7:30, and 9:00 PM, tickets are $15 and include a beer (so its not like you're getting ripped off like if you bought one of my t-shirts). Personally, you're crazy if you're in the tri-state area and miss this...a chance to see the ground floor for an aspiring and sure to be historic writer. How can you pass?

Obligatory Hurricane Irene Post

Video from Universal Hub

Yesterday was the Summer Olympics for our local newsanchors(Nor'Easters being the winter version), the A-team for Fox 25 getting the call from the bullpen on their usual day off and leading the team through roughly 16 hours of storm coverage, including, but not limited to: Boats improbably bobbing in the harbor, reporters losing their favorite hats (watch the vid, I shit you not), wind as demonstrated by dramatic shots of trees, and the always classic, reporter standing by flood walls, warning others not to stand by the flood walls.

The thing is, you'd think these people would be bummed out about a storm. You're outside working in miserable conditions for like 12 hours. Camera men just standing their getting drenched, reporters forced to ad-lib storm conditions that they really know nothing about, oh yea, and standing out in the freaking rain all day long, but there they are, loving every minute of it.  Kinda makes me wish I followed up and took weather 102 in college, maybe there's something to this weather thing. I mean I loved Weather 101, filled my science requirement, didn't take much thinking. Maybe that's the secret here. It's a mindless job. Watch a radar map, stand out in the rain or snow a few times a year and babble about the conditions. I think I missed the boat on this one.

Are Pre-Schoolers Desiging Celebrities VMA Outfits?

I...I don't know what to think here. I mean is Nicki Minaj the black Katy Perry or is this just the evolutionary (or de-evolutionary, is that a thing?) Lil' Kim look? Either way, hollywood musicians have completely lost their collective minds.  I mean aside from this, we had Katy Perry wearing a Greenbay Packer Cheesehead for a hat, The Biebs a cross between Elton John and Ellen Degeneres (trying to tell us something Justin?), and Lady Gaga looking like the Eurythmics crossed with the kid from A Bronx Tale.  Just absolute bizarro shit. Nothing stylish about it. It honestly looked like a few of them showed up at a local kindegarten class, gave the kids one of those sweet jumbo boxes of 64 Crayola Crayons (you were a boss as a 5 year old if you had the big pack, even if it weighed almost as much as you did) and told them to go nuts. 

Whatever happened to looking like a normal human being? Like how is it that Russell Brand was borderline the most normal looking person in the room? It's almost to the point where you'd be counter culture if you dressed in a classical, tasteful outfit. Everyone would be like "oh my, that's so bold, what a risk taker." Even though you'd be wearing the same American Eagle Polo and khakis I'm wearing to work today.

The Alt-Tab is Back Baby!

Not really sure what the explanation point was for, I literally couldn't be more depressed about having to start up this blog again.  Going back to my every day normal routine is absolutely going to kill me after going on a two week, responsibility free vaca. I legit had nightmares last night...but anyway, enough with my problems, I'm back and I'll deal with it.  We'll be easing back into the blog these first couple of days, don't want to over do it or pull a muscle getting back into the swing of things.

How was my vacation? Well thanks for asking! It was fantastic, aside from my two return trips home, which I'm fairly certain were karmic paybacks for all of the people I poke fun at. I took two seperate trips on vacation and I shit you not I may have had the worst two return trips home of all time.

It started last Friday with what should have been a short 3 hour flight home with an hour layover...not so fast my friend. 12 hours later I rolled into my apartment and hit the hay...at 4 AM!  The cabby from the airport had the audacity to ask me if my flight was planned for that time or if I hit delays.  Yea buddy, I enjoy hanging out by luggage carousels at 4 fucking AM with the incompetent and inefficient overnight crew of Logan Airport. Are you freaking kidding me? 4 AM! Worst part is, it didn't even have to be that late...I hit my change over in Baltimore and the gate attendant told me the plane was here, they were just waiting for pilots to fly it. Again, are you freaking kidding me?!?! How did the plane get there, get those pilots back, I don't care if they're exhausted, tell them to take a quick nap when we hit our cruising altitude, just get me the hell home.  Long story short, we took off at 2:05 AM, needless to say everyone on that plane was borderline ready to kill someone for the simplest perceived flight.  There was a baby crying and I had to be restrained from pressing the flight attendant button to see if I could have the baby kicked off. That's how on edge everyone was at that point. 

Fast forward a week to the end of vacation number two, this time on the Vineyard, and that miserable cock-tease Irene. First off, I'd like to say that the Steamship Authority that operates between the Cape and the Islands is without question the biggest steaming pile of beurocratic shit in the state of Massachusetts. Just incompetent tards running a public transportation authority. At one point while I was sitting on standby for 4 hours on Saturday I realized that anyone with a highschool GED and half a bit of common sense could run the whole operation.  I mean it, just degenerates who would otherwise belong in a mail room sorting interoffice memo's running the show. It was an absolute joke.  

Anyway, my ferry was originally scheduled for Sunday, which we knew most likely wasn't happening, only problem was the clueless employees of the Steamship Authority just wouldn't come out and say it. And forget about updating their website with information, sending out daily e-mails, or god forbid, answering their phones. Nope, I had to drive over to the goddamn central office every time I wanted information. I'd legit look at the lady with the most miserable face and ask if they were going to start updating their website, and she'd cheerily say yes...They didn't. I was back in that office 14 hours later for an update.  Not that it was a good update, I went to the office twice, got two different answers, someone in our house actually got through on the phone, he got a 3rd response, and their website hadn't been updated since mid-week.  That's right 4 different sources of information, and all I wanted to know is if my puddle jump of a ferry was going to be operating and if not when the fuck I could get off the island.  Well, finally the simple folks of the authority assured me if my ferry was cancelled Sunday I'd be re-booked on Monday or I could go sit on standby for hours on end Saturday.  Well considering the media was trumping up this storm like a Mark Whalberg/George Clooney type once a century storm I decided to the get the hell out of there. To me it made sense that they'd evacutate the island before the storm, but then again I have half a brain and am not operating a mass transportation group. 

So yea, vacation was fun, but I'm still stressed as hell...not to mention the multiple 1000's of emails I'll be presumably clearing out at work today.

The Alt-Tab's Big, Huge, Ginormous, Announcement!

So obviously this whole blogging on vacation thing has been a bigger joke than yesterday's east coast earthquake (Did you feel it?!? Did you facebook or tweet that you felt it? Oh my fucking god that's amazing, I can't believe you felt it! Who else felt it?! I must know! Calm the fuck down everyone we get it, you felt the minor earthquake).  Coming out swinging promising all these linked based blogs...yea right. No frigen chance. I'm like soup over here on vacation number two, just sleeping in every day till my back feels sore and then starting my day.  Needless to say blogging just hasn't factored in.

But enough about that...the big news is: THE ALT-TAB IS GOING TO BROADWAY! (Well, off broadway, but I felt the caps locks and Broadway would be more attention grabbing).  Yep, that's right, we've finally made it, Lively Productions, will be putting on a show titled "Blogologues: I Need a Vocation" on August 29th at Under St. Marks theater in New York.  The show will feature the performances of several different blogs, obviously including our very own "Office Etiquette: Washing Your Hands at Work" post (reading it back I hope they correct my grammatical errors, I'm not one to waste a lot of time on spell checking). I'm certain they just stumbled upon us one day and were taken a-back by the enormous writing talent and story telling ability that is CW. Frankly, I'm shocked producers aren't lined up around the corner bidding for my creative genius services, but it's a down economy, I get it.

So anyway, if you're in the NY area this coming Monday check out the show, its playing at 7:30, and 9:00 PM, tickets are $15 and include a beer (so its not like you're getting ripped off like if you bought one of my t-shirts). Personally, you're crazy if you're in the tri-state area and miss this...a chance to see the ground floor for an aspiring and sure to be historic writer. How can you pass?

PS: We're back full time on Monday, I've got plenty of great anecdotal blogs lined up from vaca along with the usual batch of news stories and snippy commentary.

Todays Hot Batch of Links

Live Leak- This video is exactly what happens when your government creates incentives for parents to birth male children only...over caffeinated gay pop stars ...starting to think we don't need to worry too much about the Chinese, they should breed themselves out of existence within a generation.

Is a lack of sleep making you fat?- No, but it is a decent excuse to give the gf the next time I feel like sleeping in..."sorry hun, but I gotta sleep off those last few Budlight Limes before they go straight to my hips" Pure gold.

Abercrombie Paying Jersey Shore's "Situation" To Stop Wearing Clothes - Damn, that shit is racist. Guineas are people too...did we not all collectively freak out in the 90's when Tommy Hilfiger came out and said he didn't want black people wearing his clothes? Where's the outrage here?  Are we as a society ok with treating guidos and gorilla juice heads as second class citizens?

NCAA Investigating Allegations of Pay for Play, Hookers, and Gifts at University of Miami - Should read "NCAA investigating business as usual at top  athletic university"...seriously guys, get your heads out of your asses...it's a bunch of 18-20 year old kids, probably came up from shit...if someone waves a wad of bills in front of you and two hookers named Trixie and Pixie you bet your ass they're having a threeway on top of that money...if Jesus Shuttlesworth could be bought then so can anyone else.

Founder of PayPal Donating Money to Build Independent Nation in the Middle of International Waters - SIGN ME UP! This guy might be my hero...first he comes out and says he'll pay kids not to go to college and waste their time and money, now he's just starting whole new civilization from scratch? Genius...Pennypacker and I had a pretty spirited debate about what it would be like if we just hit the reset button on society and the banking system...myself being hugely in favor, looks like we might get to see this play out Penny.

Warren Buffet: "Stop Coddling the Rich" - Warren, its put up or shut up time...We've heard this from the super rich, including yourself, time and time again...and you know what, I don't think you really mean it.  I mean, if you want to go head and help out this debt situation, why not just cut a check? Stop pussy-footing around and donate a million or so...self voluntary taxation.  Otherwise you're just another blowhard who's full of shit.

That's all for today, back tomorrow morning with some actual exciting news for the blog...

Blogging On Vacation is so Much Harder Than I Anticipated

No joke this blogging on vacation thing is for the birds. Who has time between trips to the beach and cocktail hours to bang out internet drivel? It is honest to god easier to pound out 5 or 6 stories each morning before work than to give up a moment of sleep, beach, or drink time (plus for the first few days I was pretty focused on growing out my sweet "on vacation mustache"...full on pedophile status).

None the less the show must go on, I'll have a fresh batch of links ready to go shortly. The week hasn't been a total loss so far as I'm now rolling in fresh material from this little getaway but that'll have to wait a week or so.

Two Week Vacation Starts Now, Will the TSA Grope Me?

Get it Bro, Get it.

Off to the airport as we speak, dreading the TSA checkpoint, but secretly hoping for a grope so I'll have some fresh blogging material.

Like I said yesterday, I'll be updating The Tab once a day or so, batch of links here and there and a post once in a while. Other than that you'll all have to fend for yourself.  If you really, really need your daily fix of CW and the links aren't doing it for your, I strongly encourage you to follow me on Twitter (@TheAltTab), if I'm not going to be posting I'll need some kind of outlet for my rants, observations and opinions, and Twitter's the likely destination.  Blog picks back up full time Aug 29th.  

Until then, enjoy working and keep on tabbing.

Man Arrested for Indecent Exposure: Couldn't Help It, He Finds Walmart Arousing

AUGUST 10--A Louisiana man arrested yesterday for driving around a Walmart parking lot with his penis exposed explained to cops that “he gets aroused” when visiting the retail giant, according to a police report. Keen, pictured in the mug shot at right, was collared after a witness reported to police that a man driving a Ford Taurus drove past him “with his penis exposed.” The witness, who tailed the Ford as it drove around a Walmart parking lot in Monroe, told cops that when the suspect “saw a female in the parking lot he would stop and watch them.” When Officer Colby Spillers confronted him, Keen reportedly “stated he did have his penis out because of past experiences he had at Wal-Mart. Keen stated when he comes to Wal-Mart he gets aroused.” Thankfully, Keen did not further detail what it was about the retailer that so turned him on.

Lock this man up and throw away the key. Not kidding when I say he might be the most dangerous man in America right now. Any bro in their right mind goes borderline inverted when they cross the threshold into a Walmart parking lot, not Travis Keen, dude goes from 6 to midnight and can't even contain himself.

I could see if this was taking place at like, Whole Foods, or some upscale store like Lord & Taylor, but Walmart? What exactly turned you on? The women cramming so much body mass into overworked stretch pants to the point where she looks like a lumpy sausage? Gross.  Anyone seriously aroused enough to patrol the Walmart parking lot whipping out his dong has some serious mental issues and is a gigantic threat to society, so like I said, lock him up and throw away the key.

TBS Cancels Lopez Tonight, Puts Us All Out of Our Misery

Fox News - Following news that the ratings starved “Lopez Tonight” helmed by comedian George Lopez was given the ax on Wednesday, staffers at TBS’s other nightly talk show, “Conan,” starring Conan O’Brien, couldn’t help but wonder if they were next. TBS vehemently shot down the idea that “Conan” would be next to go, saying that any cancellation rumors were not true, and that O'Brien’s ratings were not similar to those experienced by Lopez's show...Adgate noted that the TBS late night space is a grave yard for failed comic variety fare, citing comedian Frank Caliendo’s "Frank TV," which gave late night comedy a try on the network from 2007 to 2009 before facing cancellation...

What was going to be the blog equivalent of dancing on George Lopez's grave just got thrown a gigantic curveball in that last sentence.  

This media analyst bro, Brad Adgate, has got it all backwards, TBS late night isn't a blackhole, the acts that they're hiring are...You could have thrown Frank Caliendo and George Lopez on NBC, set them back in a time where there were like 8 channels and you had to get up to change the dial on the TV, and I'd still say those two suck.  They suck. They're not funny in the least....We get it Frank, you're good at impressions, but a show based on impressions and one guy playing 8 characters is a terrible idea. Never should have been greenlit.  Leave the shows where one person plays an entire cast to black people, they're the only ones who seem to master it (looking at you Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence).  And George Lopez...the next time he says anything funny is the first. Sorry, he's just loud and obnoxious and latin...if that was the only pre-req to a late night show the neighbors behind me would have their own TBS special as well.

In sum, don't blame TBS, blame the talent they keep putting on air, I mean what's next? Another Carlos Mencia variety show?

Let's Hope My Flight Today Goes a Bit Better Than Yesterday's Flight From Hell

What kinda swag are you looking at when you complain about your daughter being pissed on mid-flight?

Fox News - Chaos erupted on a JetBlue red-eye flight from Portland, Ore., to New York's John F. Kennedy Airport when a drunk man allegedly urinated on a sleeping 11-year-old girl, the New York Post reports. The youngster was traveling with her sister and father on the flight Wednesday, and had been left alone for a few minutes while the others used the lavatories. Robert Vietze, 18, of South Warren, Vt., stumbled from his seat five rows behind her and emptied his bladder, a witness said. "I was drunk, and I did not realize I was p***ing on her leg," Vietze said, according to law-enforcement sources. He later claimed to have consumed eight alcoholic beverages. The girl's father caught Vietze midstream. "I woke up to this man yelling and literally looking like he was about to punch [Vietze] in the face," said the witness, who asked not to be identified. Flight attendants separated the pair and moved Vietze to the back of the plane. They attempted to clean up the mess with liquid soap from the bathrooms, and helped to comfort the traumatized girl. But the five-and-a-half hour flight from hell was not over yet. Roughly an hour before the plane landed, another passenger began to complain of chest pains, then vomited. "Is anybody on this flight a nurse or a doctor?" the pilot said over the public-address system. "We have a medical emergency." With no volunteers, the flight crew kept the man calm and tried to tidy him up, again raiding the liquid-soap container.

Good news is, this can't possibly happen two days in a row, right? So my trip should be relatively uneventful.

First of all, what's with the flight crew pretending like liquid hand sanitizer is some kinda magic 'Tussin, wiping that shit all over the place, piss stains, vomit stains, heart attack victims, I don't get it...Like the girl's traumatized, take it easy with the frigen soap and help calm her down. This article makes it sound like all the problems in the world will be solved with a little liquid soap, meanwhile that guy probably died a couple hours later because all they gave him was some Purell.

Second of all, how awkward of a situation are we talking about at the baggage claim carousel for this flight?  Robert Vietze, the drunk bro just waiting for his bags while this girls Dad is just straight fuming, standing like two inches away giving him the death stare, Drunky-Mcgee trying his hardest to pretend he doesn't see him.  I'd have paid upwards of $20 to watch that situation play out.

Former Inmates Sneaking Back Into Prison

SACRAMENTO, Calif. – An ex-inmate was arrested at California's New Folsom Prison after he was caught sneaking back onto the prison grounds nearly two years after his release. Marvin Lane Ussery, 48, was paroled in 2009 after serving time for a robbery charge at the prison in Sacramento, Calif., Fox40.com reports. Ussery reportedly returned to the prison grounds some time overnight Wednesday, and officers spotted him using thermal imaging equipment. Officials aren't sure why Ussery returned to the prison.

Red: These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.

Heywood: Shit. I could never get like that.

Prisoner: Oh yeah? Say that when you been here as long as Brooks has.

Red: Goddamn right. They send you here for life, and that's exactly what they take. The part that counts, anyway. 

Prison officials don't know why inmates are sneaking back into prison? They've never seen Shawshank? Faced with the comforts and familiarity in prison, or, an economic disaster, unemployment up the ass, natural disasters every 3 fucking weeks, and no good day time TV since Oprah left, what would you choose.  For sure you'd take those prison walls...3 square a day, quality hang time with the bros, and a free gym, and all the Obamacare you can get. 

Institutionalized indeed.

Verizon Picketers Are Really Starting To Piss People Off

Boston Globe - As 6,000 Verizon employees strike across Massachusetts this week, some Waltham business workers are complaining that the demonstrations are causing traffic delays in an already congested area of town. Verizon Laboratories, which has two locations near Winter Street in Waltham, has hosted approximately 35 picketers between the two buildings since Monday, according to Waltham Police Chief Thomas LaCroix.Donna Zacharewicz, a Gardner resident who commutes every day to Waltham, said she takes the 128 Business Council shuttle to the commuter station after work, but has been missing the train’s strict arrival time. “If I miss my train then I miss my last bus and have to take a cab, which is $30 a night - an extra $150 week I can't afford,” Zacharewicz said. “The shuttle I take has no Verizon employees, the bus doesn’t go to Verizon, it has nothing to do with Verizon, so why are they making their problems our problems?” “They’re striking for $100 per month on healthcare costs, but it’s okay for me to spend an extra $150 per week to commute?” she said. “They’re not protesting in a positive way. If they want to make their concerns heard, they need to do it in a more positive way than spreading misery. They’re just making people around them mad.”

Preach Donna Zacharewicz, Preach!  First it was the threats of sabotage and cutting phone lines, now it's screwing with people's commutes? Not cool Verizon Union, not cool.

You want to go ahead and be miserable and quasi-unemployed for a few weeks, by all means, that's your perrogative, but don't drag the rest of us into it...the rest of us have normal jobs, don't depend on contracts, and aren't out their making employment demands for entitlements during the absolute worst jobs situation in a century, just glad to be working. Go nuts if you guys want to, just leave us the fuck out. 

I don't give a shit about your contract, you're not some poor mill worker in the early 19th century, what the hell do you even have a union for? Do ATT workers? Or Sprint?  Seems to me Verizon is the only major telecom company I've heard of going on strike, which begs the question, why on earth would even want to work in a union?  This is two strikes in the last 2-3 years.  That's weeks worth of no paychecks that you'll never get back, I mean, are you really thinking this through?

Police In New Hampshire Have A Serious Massachusetts Inferiority Complex

He's got a gun!

(FOX25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - The Pelham Police Department is asking residents to be on the lookout for a suspicious man seen in the Veteran’s Park on Mammoth Road, possibly carrying a rifle. Patrol units and State Troopers evacuated the park to do a search but all came up with negative results. Police believe this man is not a threat at this time but are encouraging anyone who sees suspicious activity or individuals to contact the Pelham Police department.

10-1 odds he was just carrying a stick, just New Hampshire and their old Boston/mass inferiority complex rearing its ugly head.  Just can’t handle that we’re a real state with real news and issues. Like I can definitely see the Pelham cops sitting around watching the news about the shootout in Brighton yesterday, feeling all sorry for themselves and then overreacting to some guy carrying a walking stick through park, manufacturing this news story out of thin air. I see your game NH.

Most Annoying Thing in the World? Fire Alarm with Dead Batteries

Is there anything more annoying than the fire alarm who’s battery is dying?  Like without fail it happens at 2 in the morning, when no one in their right mind is getting up to change it, except you’re not sleeping with that incessant BEEP!, every 90 seconds, just not happening…so you get up to change it, and in the aggravation of the whole process you’ve completely woken yourself up,  your nights sleep is shot.

But it get’s worse…because fire alarms take those retarded square shaped batteries, everyone has a bunch of those lying around, right? They’re so handy…for sure, not. Fairly certain that the fire alarm industry is the only thing keeping  Retarded Square battery (refuse to call it by its name) in business.

And it get’s even worse…I have 15 foot ceilings, and god for-fucking bid we put these things a reasonable height, so your average non-jolly green giant can rectify the situation. I go down to the utility room to find a ladder, the 4 foot ladder is there. I’m 5’10 with shoes on. I can’t reach. End result, I suffer through the incessant beeping for 2 days until some dickhead neighbor finally returns the big ass ladder to the uitility room and I climb up it, risking my life and limb after a couple of beers to finally put my long national nightmare to rest.

I understand they’re for safety, but I’m seriously starting to question the logic behind that..because if I wake up one more frigen time to that sound in the next year, I’m going to kill someone. Just snap and go on a homicidal rage, and my defense will be the fire alarm made me to it. And, I’m pretty sure I’d get off, not a member of the jury that wouldn’t sympathize with my situation. 

Brokers With Hands on their Faces Blog Is Killing My Readership

(EndPlay Staff Reports) - It's hard to find any humor on Wall Street this week, especially with the downgrade from the S&P; however, a few blogs aim to entertain with pictures of stock brokers at their lowest lows. One of those blogs, The Brokers With Their Hands on Their Faces Blog , is making a comeback with new pictures of devastated brokers from this week. The blog, created by Matthew R. Robison, was a viral internet sensation back in 2008 during the first economic crisis, The New York Times reported. Robinson's blog simply features pictures and no commentary. Images range from brokers with their hands slapped to their foreheads, to fingers pinching the bridges of noses. The 28-year-old had all but left the blog to fend for itself back in 2009, when he started getting emails from viewers all around the world when the market began falling last week.

Just what I needed, more fucking blogging competition…you traders are already making my day job worse by the frigen minute, now you’ve got to come mess this up for me too? Whatever this is.

 What a cunt-bastard too, all but ditching a blog for 2 years, coming back just to strike when the iron’s hot? Where’s the dedication bro? How are people fooled by this phony…I’m out here busting my ass every single day, for like an average of .20 cents an hour, and this guy can just post a few pictures and captions and garner millions of hits and be a media darling after outright quitting two years ago? That's just not right, not right at all. I’m sitting here, worried about if I’ll have any readers left when I get back from a two week vacation and this guy’s rolling in internet traffic, profiting on our economies misery. The world’s a dicked up place.

Are These "Stars Without Their Makeup" Pieces Supposed to Boost My Self-Esteem?

Fox News - Check out which stars look plain frumpy without makeup and who should fire their makeup artists.

I  never understand how I’m supposed to feel when I read stories like this, which I find myself doing all too often. Am I supposed to feel pride that stars looking like shit look just like I do when I look like shit? Because it’s not doing it for me…

Like, sure everyone looks like a goblin when they’re hungover, unshowered, strung out on heroine, etc…the difference is when these people actually get ready to go out, they look 1000x better than I ever do,  and I’m not an ugly dude, it’s just not even close. 

You want to boost my self-esteem show me pics of Heidi and Spencer living in his parents basement because they're broke, that's the kind of stuff that warms my heart and enables me to get through my days...not knowing that celebrities who look like shit look just like me, that's just mean.

Stock Market Plunges Again...Can We Just Shut The Stock Market Down for a Few Days?

Maybe one reason for the insanity is we have babies trading stocks?

Boston - Back to reality and back down, Wall Street focused on the bleak landscape ahead for the economy Wednesday and wiped out its big gains from a day earlier — and then some. The Dow Jones industrial average closed down 519 points and has now lost more than 2,000 in less than three weeks. Swings of several hundred points in just minutes, accelerated by computerized trading, have become commonplace. This time, the selling was intensified by worries about in Europe. American bank stocks took hits because investors fretted that debt problems overseas might reach the United States. France came under pressure amid concerns that it could follow the U.S. and become the next country to lose its top AAA rating. The French president cut his vacation short and promised to slash the nation’s debts.

How about just don’t open the fucking stock market today? Just don’t fucking do it. Monday either for that matter…Let everything shake out for a few days, digest the cluster fuck of information that’s been thrown out there this past week, and then go back at it fresh on Tuesday, clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose (am I using that right?).

The thing is, I’m tired of working until after 8 pm this week, it sucks. Just sitting in my cube trying to figure out what the hell went on during the day…it’s mind boggling to keep up with right now. Like one second Tuesday I’m getting ready for a depressing night, DOW down 250 and sinking, literally 18 minutes later it’s closing up 400…how the fuck am I supposed to react to that? How is that rational? Goddamnit!

So for the good of the country, and for my own personal sanity, just shut that shit down for a few days, lock the doors, don’t let the traders near computers, and lets figure this shit out together (frigen traders, flipping the switch from buy to sell depending on the direction of the cross wind, I blame those asshats for just about everything). 

CW Critiques All the "People You Don't Want to Sit Next to on a Plane" Lists

Guyism - It’s the middle of the summer. There’s a whole lot of traveling going on. You’ve either recently been on a plane, are currently on a plane, or will be on a plane in the near future. So, you’re more than familiar with the “seating lottery.” You know, those horrible few minutes when you’re sitting in your assigned seat praying you end up next to a Kate Upton look-alike who smells like a vanilla bean, when in reality, you’ll end up next to one of the following people on this list.

So this story has been all over the place the past few days and the timing couldn’t be more perfect  with CW going on a two week vacation starting this Friday afternoon…yea that’s right, you’ll have to adjust for a couple weeks without my daily blogs of sunshine and roses, and cynical skepticism. I’ll still keep you updated with a batch of links a day, maybe a post every now and then, but anything more than that and I’m sure the girlfriend would kill me or ground me from the internet or something…Dr. Jack would be kind to give an update or two, and I’m pretty sure gambling season is around the corner (COUGH, Maestro, COUGH)

Anyway…I’m not sure this could have been a more pointless article. It’s not that I disagree that all of these people are annoying, but I’m certain you could have just stopped at: People are Annoying to sit next to on an airplane…no need to further expunge.

I’ve straight up hated just about everyone I’ve ever sat next to on an airplane (family and friends excluded). It’s just an aggravating situation, some stranger sharing elbow and thigh room with you for anywhere from 45 minutes to half a day, breathing the same 3x3 feet space of air, doing everything possible to annoy you.

And I don’t think I’m perfect either, I’m annoying as shit to sit next to , the most figety person you’ll ever meet. Adjusting my arms, adjusting my legs, grabbing my magazine, putting it back, adjusting my crotch, attempting to sleep, adjusting my crotch, grabbing my magazine, adjusting my crotch, biting my nails, biting my nails, attempting to sleep…it’s gotta be exhausting for the people next to me to try and keep track of what I’m up to.

It’s no ones fault, people just weren’t meant to be stuffed into steel tube shoulder to shoulder for hours on end. Throw in the fact that whoever designed the airplane chair is a complete dickhead (seriously, why does the top of the chair lean forward, who the fuck wants to crane their neck forward for an entire flight? How has that not been rectified yet?) and you’ve got a recipe for disaster…the fact that multiple fistfights per flight don’t break out is a minor miracle.

Old Man Shoots Kids Playing Ding, Dong, Ditch...Promptly Gets Arrested.

Florida - Taking the law into his own hands...lands an elderly Fort Lauderdale man behind bars...and a child in the hospital. Police Detective Travis Mandell says several kids were seen banging on 79 year old, James McIvery's apartment and then running off. He reportedly told cops he came out with a gun in hand and fired two shots into the ground as way to scare off the pranksters. One of the bullets hit a 12 year old. The boy was shot in the stomach- post surgery he is said to be in stable condition. McIvery is charged with aggravated battery with a firearm.

Glad the kid is in stable condition, but I'm not sure what this Old Man McIvery is being charged for? I mean the rules of Ding, Dong, Ditch are fairly clear, if you're willing to participate in the timeless battle between youths and the elderly, then you're accepting the risks that come along with that life...it's kind of like the mob in that regard. This kid isn't some innocent civilian caught in a crossfire, kid just didn't come out on top on this particular day, head just wasn't in the game.  As far as I'm concerned, score one for the elderly and move on to fight another day.  Make no mistake about it, if the aggravation of repeated ding, dong, ditch had given Old Man McIvery a heart attack we wouldn't be charging this pack of unruly youths with aggravated assault, we'd just chalk it up to boys being boys. Well it's about time we start chalking up old cranky men shooting wild'n youths as old men being old men. It's time for the double standard to stop, and it needs to start with Old Man McIvery.

Phone Number on Matchbox Tow Truck is Actually a Sex Hot Line

MARIETTA, Ga. -- Like many little boys his age, 3-year-old Carter Vaughn of Marietta loves playing with his toy cars and trucks. But he won't be playing with one of his newer ones any more. "I called the number and I got a real shocker," said Jan Barnett. "It was a sex line," Carter's grandmother added. We called it, too, and sure enough, it is. 

Is anyone really surprised by this? I've kinda just assumed that sex lines only stay in business because of curious kids, like there is no way adults actually call these things with the readily available resources of porn and hookers...you'd have to be an idiot to be charged a few bucks a minute to chat over the phone with some heffer from the midwest talking in throaty hushed tones...gotta be just as cheap to go pick-up a local whore for a quick throw, no? Growing up the coolest kid was always the one willing to dial up 1-800-HOT-SEXX, or whatever the number of the week was, and deal with the repercussions when his parents got the phone bill later. I'd wager on any given day 90% of all phone calls to sex lines are from kids under the age of 14...there's just no way adults are sitting around a speaker phone getting giggles listening to some phone operator talk dirty, no way.

PS: Love how the reporter was angling for the toy at the end of the video as a "collectors item." Bullshit buddy, we all know what you're up to.

Beaking News from Boston: Iced Coffee is Really Popular!

Boston.Com - Until a couple of years ago, iced coffee usually meant a big, sweaty aluminum cylinder of the stuff, weakening as the ice melted, spigot at-the-ready. Or worse: in the fridge, bitter and over-concentrated, chilled from a breakfast pot. It was, for so long, the Rodney Dangerfield of coffee...The conversation spread as temperatures rose in summer 2010 (Boston’s hottest on record). By 2011, another summer of record heat, baristas and their marketers had perfected their game - and their iced coffee. Consumers are lapping it up. “Coffee sales always drop in the summer,’’ explained Nathaniel Howell, sales manager of Terroir Coffee in Acton, a supplier of high-end beans to area cafes. “This summer there’s no drop in sales. It’s because of iced coffee.’’ Managers at several Starbucks locations say that about 80 percent of coffee sales this summer are iced.

STOP THE PRESSES!...I think the Globe is onto something here...people like Ice Coffee? I feel like Boston.Com maybe sitting on a potential goldmine here.  Someone nominate the person who scooped this story for a pulitzer, stat!

Seriously, though, does the Globe (or boston.com, I can never tell the difference) really believe Iced Coffee first became wildly popular in 2010? Is old media that slow to react, can't be right? They just couldn't think of anything else to write or something (the same reason they're running the "best beaches" article for the 78th time this summer)?  Iced Coffee has been popular for the better part of the decade now, hell I see a ton of people walking around the city with iced coffee's from Dunks during the middle of January, never mind when the temperature gets hot.

PS: Why on earth is the Globe plugging Dunks and Starbucks in a local article about iced coffee brewers? Really think they need the free advertising? How about a plug for the best coffee house in the city, Boston Common Coffee Co.  I personally don't know what method they use in brewing their iced coffee, nor do I care...it tastes fantastic and gets me through my day...which is all that really matters when it comes to coffee...I'm not concerned with nutty and floral undertones or the purity of the icing process, just make sure it tastes good by the time it reaches my cup please.

Mexican Beauty Queen Gains 6 Pounds, Rightfully Stripped of her Crown

Fox News - A Mexican beauty queen is crying foul after she was stripped of her title – and she claims it was because she put on a mere six pounds. Last September, Cynthia de la Vega was first runner up for Nuestra Belleza Mexico, a position that normally goes on to compete in Miss World. (The contest's winner competes in Miss Universe.) A slightly more curvaceous de la Vega held a press conference last week claiming she was a victim of overzealous pageant organizers, who booted her for going a little heavy on the food and gaining a few pounds. On Tuesday, she appeared on Good Morning America saying she was “sad and very deceived.” “I cried and cried and cried,” she told the show. The 19-year-old said all she wants is to represent her country. The pageant’s move disqualifies her from being a contender of the Miss World contest, which is in November. But pageant officials say her removal had nothing to do with a chunkier de la Vega. Instead, they said, her title was stripped because she showed a lack of discipline and failed to meeting the ceremonial obligations of a well-behaved beauty queen. “The training of a beauty queen is equivalent to the training of an athlete – there is no cutting corners on sleep, a zero tolerance for alcohol, and long hours of preparation,” Lupita Jones, Mexico’s first Miss Universe winner, who now heads Nuestra Belleza. Keeping de la Vega “was a risk we couldn’t take,” Jones said.

Preach Lupita, Preach!  Lupita gets it...You can't just rest on your laurels once you're a mexican beauty queen, shit's not all chalupo's, guac, and baby chimi's once you get that crown, this is a full time job and you have a responsibility to keep that ass in shape, you're representing Federali's everywhere.

Hey, quit your crying, get your head out of that bowl of flan and hit the frigen treadmill...I mean, I just don't get what you have to cry foul about? It's a beauty contest, if you all of a sudden make yourself less beautiful, why wouldn't you be stripped of your crown? You knew the deal when you signed up, don't come crying to the judges because you've been going a little heavy on the sour cream on your nachos con queso. You think that girl that finished behind you doesn't want to eat her sorrows away in Fried Mexican Ice Cream? Of course she does, but she doesn't, and now she's being rewarded for starving herself.

PS: She was only the frigen runner up...like I could almost understand crying if you were the winner, that'd be something to be upset about...but you were second place, which means you were probably already a few pounds overweight anyway.

Midwest I-Banker Flys Blames Wall Street with "You're All Gonna Get Fired" Sky Banner

Consumerist - Earlier today, an airplane buzzed Wall Street towing a banner that said, "Thanks For The Downgrade. You Should All Be Fired." Update: FORTUNE got in touch with the person who flew it. She's a Midwestern mother and an investment banker. Last night the woman shot up in bed with the burning conviction that she needed to take her rage over the economic quagmire right to the doorsteps of those she felt responsible for it. "I originally wanted to fly it over Washington, D.C., but learned that you can't do that," she told FORTUNE. "So I chose Wall Street instead, but didn't specifically intend it to fly over S&P. I'm just a mother from St. Louis who feels the only reason we got downgraded was people in politics."

The nerve on this uppity broad, right? Trying to play it off like she's just some main street mother from the heartland of America, just outraged about what the liberal elite are doing to this country...meanwhile she's just your average I-banker, probably rolling in piles of toxic mortgage backed security money.  

This is so conniving I can't do anything but applaud it.  I mean it can't be easy being an I-banker in the Midwest, the local yokels always looking at you dis-trustingly, thinking you're one of us east coast, learn-ed folk, never quite trusting you enough to turn over their investment planning to you...well this'll change that fast.  No better way to gain the trust of the simpletons than to dump on Wall Street, the only reason you even have a job in your profession to begin with...genius...She's probably rolling in farm land subsidies and pork belly futures right now.