AUGUST 10--A Louisiana man arrested yesterday for driving around a Walmart parking lot with his penis exposed explained to cops that “he gets aroused” when visiting the retail giant, according to a police report. Keen, pictured in the mug shot at right, was collared after a witness reported to police that a man driving a Ford Taurus drove past him “with his penis exposed.” The witness, who tailed the Ford as it drove around a Walmart parking lot in Monroe, told cops that when the suspect “saw a female in the parking lot he would stop and watch them.” When Officer Colby Spillers confronted him, Keen reportedly “stated he did have his penis out because of past experiences he had at Wal-Mart. Keen stated when he comes to Wal-Mart he gets aroused.” Thankfully, Keen did not further detail what it was about the retailer that so turned him on.
Lock this man up and throw away the key. Not kidding when I say he might be the most dangerous man in America right now. Any bro in their right mind goes borderline inverted when they cross the threshold into a Walmart parking lot, not Travis Keen, dude goes from 6 to midnight and can't even contain himself.
I could see if this was taking place at like, Whole Foods, or some upscale store like Lord & Taylor, but Walmart? What exactly turned you on? The women cramming so much body mass into overworked stretch pants to the point where she looks like a lumpy sausage? Gross. Anyone seriously aroused enough to patrol the Walmart parking lot whipping out his dong has some serious mental issues and is a gigantic threat to society, so like I said, lock him up and throw away the key.
