Meet Your Newest Patriot...Albert Haynesworth, He Seems Like A Good Guy

Meet Albert Haynesworth, one of your newest Patriots. He's been characterized as everything from the best D-lineman in football, to a team cancer, to the worst person in football, and, I'm just assuming, he's in the running for worst human being in America...He better be damn good at football.

-Albert Haynesworth on being a multi-millionaire: Fresh of signing a $100 mm contract and receiving a $21 million signing bonus: "I guess in this world we don't have a lot of people with, like, backbones," Haynesworth said. "Just because somebody pay you money don't mean they'll make you do whatever they want or whatever. I mean, does that mean everything is for sale? "I mean, I'm not for sale. Yeah, I signed the contract and got paid a lot of money, but ... that don't mean I'm for sale or a slave or whatever."

Very good Albert, that doesn't make you a slave. It does make you an employee though, and I have a feeling you don't quite grasp the employee-employer relationship.

-Albert on His Pending Sexual Assault Charge: After a waitress accuses him of grabbing her boob in February... “I didn’t touch her,” Haynesworth responded, according to the document, adding that he doesn’t “even like black girls.”...“I know what this is about, she is just upset I have a white girlfriend. I couldn’t tell you the last time I dated a black girl. She was trying to get with me.”

Frankly I'm inclined to believe him, you'd have to be an absolute moron to offer that up as your legal defense unless it's the honest to goodness truth. 

Yea...He'd better be veerrryy good at football.

Boston.Com...Warning You About Online Scams Dating Back to AOL

Boston - These days it seems no computer is safe. Countless people have fallen into scammers' traps, and it's easier than ever to be deceived now that everything is online...Here's what to look for, as well as how you can keep your money and identity safe.

Some of the brain busters include:

1. Paying for someone to find you a job upfront.

2. Eliminate all of your debt by paying us a fractional fee!

3. Work at home, make millions!

4. You've Won Our Sweepstakes! Please send us money to claim your prize

5. "Hey I accidentally sent you too much money, please send some back." (Anyone that falls for this deserves it)

6. "Hi we're a very reputable company and just need some background information on yourself"

What, no Nigerian Princesses were held hostage this year?

Gee, Thanks Boston.com! If it weren't for you and your safety tips the internet wouldn't be a safe place for me! Never mind the fact that these are the same scams my parents were worried about like 15 years ago when I was trolling the AOL chatrooms and battling it out with my punters.

Seriously though, this article could have been summarized with the simple statement of "never send money ahead of time for services or goods unsolicited." Pretty much covers it, or even simpler, "don't be a moron." In general if it's something you'd be leery of in real life, be leery of it on the internet.

Hugh Hefner in Desperate Need of a PR Twitter Professional

(NewsCore) - Octogenarian Hugh Hefner defended his libido after his ex-fiancee said sex with the Playboy founder lasted a mere "two seconds," Us Weekly reported Wednesday. Former Playboy Playmate Crystal Harris, who dumped Hefner just days before they planned to wed in June, dropped the bombshell about Hefner's sexual performance on Howard Stern's radio show Tuesday. "He doesn't really take off his clothes. I've never seen Hef naked. I don't know if I want to," she told Stern, adding she only had sex with Hefner once during their relationship and it "lasted like two seconds." Hefner then took to Twitter to dispute Harris' remarks. "Crystal lied about our relationship on Howard Stern, but I don't know why. Maybe a new boyfriend?" Hefner, 85, wrote on Twitter -- in a post he has since deleted. "I feel sorry for Crystal. She seems lost," he added. Harris, 25, has attributed her break-up with Hefner to his extravagant lifestyle -- complete with numerous girlfriends and non-stop partying. "Hef's lifestyle isn't the most normal lifestyle," Harris has said, adding "This isn't the lifestyle for me, multiple girls around all the time, the Playboy lifestyle. I don't know. I just wanted to be true to myself."

Hate to say I told you so, but I totally did. Hugh Hefner, as we all knew and loved him, really is dead. Would classy, banging a different broad every night Hugh, have even dignified this money grubbing whore's comments on the Howard Stern Show?  Hell no. Why would he? He's got a gaggle of girls living in his house on any given night, there's no need to defend yourself against these ridiculous accusations. 

I mean look, on the one hand she's calling him a two pump-chump, and then on the other she's saying she coudln't keep up with his swinging lifestyle. Well which one is it hunny? Ever think he might have been a two pump chump because he was just dipping in to your BFF two seconds before? You just happened to be the lucky girl who won the prize?

That's the kind of response Hugh should have came with if he was going to come at all. And that's the kind of response he'd get if he hired a mid 20's self-made thousandaire blogger from Boston to handle his social media communications.  Come on Hugh, 80 year olds can't be Twittering, it's a young man's game, by the time you've found the # symbol the topic probably isn't even trending anymore.

Most Un-American Billboard Ever? Comparing Hotdogs to Cigarettes

Fox News - Race fans who attend the Indianapolis Motor Speedway – and residents who live near the track – are being warned of a possible link between hot dogs and cancer, Fox 59 reported. A billboard on West 16th Street shows hot dogs inside of a cigarette pack. “Hot dogs can wreck your health,” it reads. The cigarette package has a picture of a skull and crossbones. The American Institute for Cancer research says one, 50-gram piece of processed meat – such as a hot dog – can increase the risk of colorectal cancer by 21 percent. Colorectal cancer is the third most common cancer in the U.S., according to the American Cancer Society.

Wait, what?...I'm pretty sure someone at the American Cancer Society needs to check their math, because by those figures I should have had colorectal cancer, like, 1000x over by now.  Just this past weekend I had three absolutely delicious hotdogs, as an appetizer for burgers later in the cookout.  Are you telling me that on just one Sunday afternoon I caused myself a 63% chance of colon cancer?  Someone better warn Joey Chestnut, guy's probably walking around with tumor the size of a beachball in his colon right now. 

And what is this shit with comparing Hotdogs to Cigarettes? Never before have I seen such an un-American billboard. This country has gone straight to hell.  I don't want to be picked on for enjoying a glorified rolled up piece of bologna from time to time.  I'm not some gross and disgusting smelling person spreading the risk of cancer to others, I don't need to be treated like those degenerates (Though it would be awesome if you could buy packs of hotdogs like that at ball games, they might have just revolutionized the hotdog game without even knowing it).

Menino: Boston to See Catastrophe if US Defaults...Way to Keep the Calm Mr. Mayor

Typical Menino, Riding Bikes instead of Tackling Big Issues

BOSTON (AP) - Boston Mayor Thomas Menino says the city would suffer "a catastrophe" if the nation defaults on its debt. Menino said Wednesday that the city's various grant programs and its financial businesses would take a big hit and a default would put more strain on a city still trying to come out the economic slowdown. Attending an opening event of the National Urban League, in town for its annual national convention, the Boston Democrat put the blame for a Congressional impasse in GOP House Speaker John Boehner's lap. He said there needs to a "revolution" in Washington to get to the sides to iron out a deal. Menino said he hasn't discussed plans with his financial team about what the city should do if the nation defaults.

Hey Menino, instead of practically trying to incite mass hysteria how about you meet with your financial team on what the city will do if the nation defaults? What do you mean you haven't done that yet? Look I know you're all jazzed about this Hubway Bike Sharing program that's kicking off soon, I just happen to think taking care of the fiscal solvency of the most important city in our state, and region, may trump a leisurely bike ride along the Greenway.  

It's not like this is some off in the distance, no need to hurry event. This is days away now.  And yea, hopefully those kids down in Washington put aside their little pissing match, stop arguing about who's Dad would win in a fight, and figure this thing out...but just in case, you might want to get together with some of your "experts" on this just so you're prepared.  This isn't something you're just going to walk into your office Monday morning and get briefed on, ya know? Like you can't just open your Outlook email box and flag the "US in default" email you receive from the Federal Government for follow up later. 

Come on Menino, get your shit together. 

Post Office Closings Announced, People of Twitter Oddly Upset

Boston - The Postal Service is considering closing more than 1 in 10 of its retail outlets. The financially troubled agency announced Tuesday that it will study 3,653 local offices, branches and stations for possible closing. But many of those may be replaced by what the service is calling Village Post Offices in which postal services are offered in local stores, libraries or government offices. "It's no secret that the Postal Service is looking to change the way we do a lot of things," Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe said at a briefing. "We do feel that we are still relevant to the American public and the economy, but we have to make some tough choices." Currently the post office operates 31,871 retail outlets across the country, down from 38,000 a decade ago, but in recent years business has declined sharply as first-class mail moved to the Internet. In addition, the recession resulted in a decline in advertising mail, and the agency lost $8 billion last year.

You’d think after seeing the outpouring of grief and lament on twitter after these closures were announced that the City had just announced the closing of 10% of its Dunks locations…At least then the whining would have made sense, I mean everyone uses dunks, no one (or no one that has a handle on twitter) uses the post office more than 2-3 times per year, max. But you’d think from reading all the commentary that business is booming and they should be opening locations, not closing them.

I’m willing to bet when the average person thinks of the mail, they think of three things: Junk mail/credit card offers, cards from grandma’s, and Bed Bath & Beyond coupons…That’s it.  Sure some people still get bills via mail, but really if you’re under the age of 50 and not paying bills online you’re just wasting time.

What exactly are we supposed to be sad about here? A failing business shuttering its doors? Sure I could see maybe feeling sad if that business had been a big part of the community, or defined a neighborhood in some way…but this is the post office. No one has sentimental feelings for the post office, in fact, most people hate their post office experience.  Furthermore, this is a business that has cost tax payers literally billions of dollars over the past few years. Frankly, you should be glad to have these offices off your payroll.

Golf Cart Planking Prank Makes Me Re-Think My Stance on Planking

Well, this video has done the impossible, its made me respect planking, even if just the tiniest bit.  And it's not because planking is all of a sudden a cool thing to do, or an actual "prank." This is solely about the golf cart.

I think most guys have been in this bro's position at least once in their life, I don't know what it is about golf carts, but they just make us want to do dumb things.  I'd wager that more dumb shit injuries occur each summer involving golf carts than in any other leisure activity, its just too compelling to do something stupid.  It's not like most of us don't drive around in cars just about every day of our lives, but there is just something so novel about the golf cart that you just can't contain yourself, you have to try and pull a stunt of some sort...if planking is your stunt, then I guess I respect that.

South African Man Wakes Up After 21 Hour Nap...In The Morgue

JOHANNESBURG – A South African health official says a man awoke to find himself in a morgue fridge -- nearly a day after his family thought he had died. Health department spokesman Sizwe Kupelo said Monday that the man awoke Sunday afternoon, 21 hours after his family called in an undertaker who sent him to the morgue after an asthma attack. Kupelo says the man started yelling, prompting morgue workers to run away in fear. They eventually returned and removed him from the fridge. He was then taken to a nearby hospital and later discharged by doctors who deemed him stable. The mortuary owner says his family is very happy to have him home. Kupelo urged South Africans to call on health officials to confirm that their relatives are really dead.

Guy lives in South Africa, he was probably just trying to beat the heat for a few hours, no? Probably the best nap he got in years, no messing with mosquito nets, no humidity, just the ice cool comforts of the morgue, and knowing that hundreds of corpses have laid where you're resting.

All seriousness, this guy is not nearly angry enough at his family or the morgue...urging them to confirm relatives are dead? Come on bro, your family got rid of you the first chance they could once you passed out, couldn't have cared less. If I were you I wouldn't plan on any drinking binges anytime soon, your ass will wind up in the exact same spot.

Scientists Proclaim Time Travel Impossible, Finally Catch Up to Us Non-Dorks

Fox News - By proving that even a single photon must obey Einstein's theory that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light, Hong Kong physicists believe they have debunked the idea of time travel once and for all. A Hong Kong University of Science and Technology research team led by Du Shengwang said they had proved that a single photon, or unit of light, "obeys the traffic law of the universe." "Einstein claimed that the speed of light was the traffic law of the universe or in simple language, nothing can travel faster than light," the university said on its website. "Professor Du's study demonstrates that a single photon, the fundamental quanta of light, also obeys the traffic law of the universe just like classical EM (electromagnetic) waves." The possibility of time travel was raised 10 years ago when scientists discovered superluminal -- or faster-than-light -- propagation of optical pulses in some specific medium, the team said. If Shengwang and his team are correct, that possibility is now no more than ancient history.

As a general rule of thumb I tend to believe anything portrayed by "mad scientists" in sci-fi movies is just fictional.  Which is why I'd strongly encourage this team of "scientists" to not waste their time proving to me that Frankenstein's monster is an impossibility...It's ok, I already understand that's not real, go work on a real problem like Aids, or see if their is a scientific solution to this debt ceiling debacle.  

Here's the thing, these guys might be geniuses, far smarter than I can ever imagine, but I'd rather be of slightly above average intelligence (yea, I'm confident) with common sense, than a genius that's dumb as a brick when it comes to normal real life shit.   I just feel like these brainiacs spend an inordinate amount of time proving out or dispelling ridiculous theories that, quite frankly, none of us regular people give a shit about...mostly because they're not important at all.  

For example, I'm not contributing shit to society via this blog, but then again, even if I wasn't doing this, I'd really have nothing extra to offer, just a couple of extra free hours a day.  But for you're average super nerd that's not the case.  These guys are directly harming our existence by not putting their talents to actual work that could be of some good to all of us.

And if that makes me greedy or selfish, well, that's nothing new.

Study Finds Internet As Addictive as Drugs...I'm Certain Crack Addicts Disagree

Fairly Certain Tyrone Wasn't Itching to Check his Twitter Feed

(FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - The Internet may have become just as addictive as smoking and drinking. A new study by consumer research firm Intersperience found that 53 percent of those surveyed were upset when they were denied Web access, while 40 percent were lonely, even if the time away from the Internet was short. Intersperience surveyed more than 1,000 people. One person surveyed even said being deprived of the Internet was "like having my hand chopped off."

First off, the internet is absolutely addictive, I'm not going to argue otherwise...Pretty sure it drives my girlfriend crazy that anytime I'm bored for 2.5 seconds I'm picking up my Xoom to see what the internet has been up to.

That said, I've never once contemplated sucking dick for highs speed broadband access, never once robbed my grandma's change purse to access an internet cafe, and so far, long weekends away from the world wide web haven't resulted in myself frothing at the mouth and other withdrawal symptoms.

What I'm saying is, that as a blogger, I don't really appreciate being lumped in with your average neighborhood wine-o and junky, and I'm sure they're not exactly thrilled to be compared to me either.

Kid Rock Disappointed by the Quality of Strippers that Washed Up Rock Stars Attract

Does this look like a guy who can afford to be picky?

StarPulse - Kid Rock is considering vetting the strippers promoters hire to join him onstage at shows because some of them are a little "shaky" close-up. The rap-rocker invites venue bosses to find the best local talent in strip bars and ask them to perform alongside him - but he's often shocked by the ladies gyrating and dancing around him. He tells Rolling Stone magazine, "We actually need to devise a better system, because night to night it's pretty f**king shaky. "There are certain nights when I'm like, 'Wow, what the f**k?'"

Hate to be the one to break it to you Mr. Rock, but those strippers you enjoyed for those few years at the peak? They're not coming back.  Welcome back to the real world,  the land of everyman strippers, C-sections, stretchmarks, pockmarks, just all around grossness. That's just what happens when you go from headlining big time venues in big time cities, to headlining second and third class venues in second and third class cities.  You just can't expect the same quality of stripper.

It's time to face facts, you're not Kid and you're hardly rock these days, last I knew, the good strippers aren't lining up to parade around for a kind of washed up, 40+ year old dude with ratty hair, a wife beater, and a semi beer belly.  The good ones are all flocking to Joe Jonas now. Sorry Kid.

Dude Getting Laid in a Dodge Caravan, As Filmed By Saul Rosenberg

EMBED-Caught On Camera: Couple In Minivan - Watch more free videos

Yea, it's a couple days old, it's been seen everywhere, but I just watched it. And frankly I haven't seen anyone commenting on the fact that Saul Rosenberg from the Jerky Boys was the guy filming the couple. The guy is so goddamned neurotic. My two favorite quotes.

"I'm not looking, I'm just going to watch the video"...umm Saul, they're fucking in the middle of the freeway, windows open, guy waving at you, girl eye banging the shit out of you...its cool if you look, they want it.

"So what, I don't care I'm just holding a fucking phone" ...Saul, that trick hasn't worked since '02. Everyone knows what it means when a stranger is just idly holding up a cell phone pointed directly at them...Not saying I don't try to pull this move off when shooting odd balls on the subway, just saying I'm pretty sure they all know what I'm doing, When's the last time anyone texted someone while holding their phone out with one hand at arms length? Never.

Mort Goldman/Saul Rosenberg...Same person.

Two Kids Fighting Over Girl Wanting to Marry the Boy...This Won't End Well

Quick betting lines:

Police are called to their trailer for domestic disturbance/spousal abuse in O/U 14 years.

She "Pulls the Goalie" and gets knocked up to force marriage at age: O/U 16.5

Son Kills Mother and Girlfriend after years of torment from both at age: O/U 33

Treasury Sec Geithner Didn't Forsee the Debt Talks Taking This Long...Really?

Fox News - Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner said Sunday that he did not initially think lawmakers would bring the debt-ceiling negotiations "this close to the edge," appearing taken aback by the lingering distance between the two sides with an Aug. 2 deadline looming. Geithner told "Fox News Sunday" that he remains confident lawmakers will lift the $14.3 trillion debt cap and avoid a national default. "We're running out of runway. We're almost at the edge. I never thought they would take it this close to the edge," Geithner said. Though House Speaker John Boehner broke off talks with the White House late Friday, Geithner appeared to hold out hope for a large-scale deal -- such a deal, as envisioned, would raise the debt ceiling, while cutting spending and reforming the tax code and entitlements. As a second option, Geithner pointed to a fallback plan in the Senate that would enact smaller cuts now and entrust a special committee to craft broader deficit reduction in the future. 

 First of all Treasury Sec. Geithner is apparently not familiar with modern day politics...at all. When was the last time a major decision was made prior to the deadline? Shit just doesn't work that way, both sides have to puff their chests out, ruffle the others feathers, and pander to their minority, but loud and extreme, fan bases.  It's a gigantic cock fight, and Geithner is either a complete idiot or playing dumb if he's saying he didn't forsee this.

Secondly, and this is to Washington...Just fix the frigen issue and lets move on.  Yea, easier said than done, easy to complain from a blog, what would I do if I was in their position, yada, yada, yada...Well you know what? Luckily I don't have to make that decision. It's not my job, not my pay grade...I didn't run for office and put myself into the position to have to figure this shit out. But these guys did, and now they're acting like a bunch of 5th graders, loud mouth bloviating, but deep down just a bunch of chicken shits afraid of not impressing their group of friends (their extreme fan bases in this analogy).  

Stop acting like children and hammer a deal out that works right now, but more importantly works a few years down the road so we don't have to go through this ordeal again. I'd like to wake up next week and know my dollars are still worth something, I'm borderline deciding whether to walk down to payroll to inquire if they can pay me in British Pounds starting next week.  And again, don't worry about fixing everything right now, shit is royally fucked up right now, throwing a bandaid on our 14 trillion dollar debt isn't going to do anything. Whatever you do make sure this plan works 4-5 years from now when it counts.

Now then, go out there and get to work.

NFL Players Union Saves the Season, Fails in Banning Brett Favre in New CBA

This is an actual shirt you can buy, here.

Look, I'm tremendously happy football is back.  I don't know what I would have done Sundays without it, I mean lying around in your underwear all day, browsing the internet and eating leftover pizza just seems pathetic without football.  

But at the same time, I can't help but think that the players certified this a bit premature.  I mean if you're going to have a lockout, potentially alienating fans and shaking the foundations of the game, at least make it worth it. When people look back on this years from now it's just going to be remembered as the work stoppage that resulted in a new way to split up the billions of dollars everyone makes, and the players bitched and moaned their way into a few less practices, that's it.  Meanwhile the biggest problem the league faces still lives on...Brett Favre.

Yep, Brett Favre, the old gunslinger is up to his same old game all over again.  You can practically hear Rachel Nichols packing her bags and smacking her lips preparing for her assignment to camp outside his ranch in Mississippi for the next few weeks.  ESPN already digging up some stock footage of ole' Brett slinging with the local high school team, Jenn Sterger nearly feinting from relief because she'll stay relevant for one more year.  

It sucks. And the players and owners have no one to blame but themselves. Given the chance to radically alter the CBA and write in one simple sentence..."Mandatory and permanent Retirement for Brett Favre," they blew it. For shame, For     Shame.

Woman Gets $1 Million Bail in Husband Castration Case...Judge OK's Cameras in the Courtroom.

Westminster, California (CNN) -- The arraignment of Catherine Kieu Becker, the Southern California woman accused of cutting off her husband's penis and throwing it into a garbage disposal, was continued Friday to September 23 at the request of her public defender. Orange County Superior Court Judge Debra Carrillo also set bail at $1 million for Becker, 48, who had been held without bail since her arrest this month. She is charged with torture and aggravated mayhem. The judge also rejected her attorney's request to bar cameras from the courtroom. Orange County Deputy Public Defender Frank Bittar unsuccessfully argued that the intense media coverage would jeopardize Becker's ability to get a fair trial.

Setting aside the fact that this woman was somehow granted bail, $1 million or not, I cannot wait for this trial to start. I might take a week or two off from work to watch this play out on TruTV.  This is exactly what this country needs in the wake of the Casey Anthony trial...a trial with juicy details and a woman we can all rally around and hate...if it weren't for her henious crime I'd call Catherine Kieu Becker a hero for bringing together a nation of tabloid court watchers and healing them when they've needed it most.

Speaking of Casey Anthony, you know she's hiding out praying that this trial starts tomorrow. Sooner all those that have nothing better to do but stay home and watch court proceedings, have a new sensational case to watch, sooner everyone forgets about her.  The mob is fickle that way.

Israeli PM Demands Female Reporters Remove Bras Before Interviews

JERUSALEM - Female foreign reporters complained Friday after being asked to remove their bras for a security check before being allowed into the offices of Israel's prime minister.The three women were told by security personnel to undress and take off their bras for X-ray in two separate incidents at the Jerusalem offices of Benjamin Netanyahu earlier this week.All three complied with the request despite the distress it caused, in an incident denounced by the Foreign Press Association as "unnecessary, humiliating and counterproductive.Each of the women was taken behind a curtain in the lobby of the entrance hall and patted down before being told to undress -- then their bras were passed out, in full view of male and female colleagues and security personnel, to be put through an X-ray machine.

Now thats an absolutely baller move..here these woman are, thinking they're all professional, and equal in the workplace and then, boom in  walks the Israeli PM to restore order and knock them down a peg.  Let that be a lesson to the ladies of Israel, yea you may not be a Muslim nation, but dont ever forget where you stand in the grand scheme of important things .

PS: How badly do you think Obama wishes he could slam this ruling down on Hillary...soon as she starts spouting off on foreign policy..."oh, hey Hillary, forgot to mention the new policy. From now on you've gotta go braless in the Oval Office, teach you a lesson about showing me up in front of the joint chiefs.

Man Smuggles Hacksaw Inside Taco To Prisoner, Says He Didn't Notice the Saw

San Antonio - Testimony began Wednesday in the trial of a former Bexar County jailer accused of providing a small hacksaw-stuffed taco to high-risk inmates plotting an elaborate escape attempt, including a man who was awaiting trial for capital murder. Alfred Casas, 31, knew he messed up two years ago when he agreed to meet the girlfriend of double-murder suspect Jacob Keller after work so he could pick up a taco to give Keller, jurors heard the defendant admit in a recorded interview with detectives. “It was one taco and I opened it and there was nothing in it,” Casas said through tears as detectives had him change off-camera into orange inmate scrubs. “I know it sounds stupid. I'm stupid for bringing those tacos. But it was a regular taco. I didn't know (about the hacksaw blade).” If convicted, Casas, who was a three-year veteran of the sheriff's office, could face up to 20 years in prison for two counts of accepting bribes. He faces up to 10 years for a charge of providing an implement for escape.

Unless this guy has lined up Caycee Anthony's attourney, or really hams up the diminished mental capacity card in court, he's getting the max sentence.

Here's the thing, when you're caught for something like this, you're caught. Don't bother lying about it, and certainly don't bother telling the judge that you looked at the taco and didn't notice the hacksaw in it. Are you freaking kidding me buddy? Didn't notice the hacksaw.

Do you know what my case would be if I was the prosecutor? Two exhibits, one, a .99 Cent burrito from Taco Bell, and two, a hacksaw I picked up on the way to court from Home Depot...that's right on the way to court, no need to prepare for this case...Just walk in there throw out one of those cliched lawyer lines, "ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I implore you (hold up taco in one hand, hacksaw in the other), the man claims he inspected the taco and missed this saw, do we really want this kind of liar in public?"  And that'd be it.  Case closed.

Is it Baller To Carve Your Name Into Your Own Personal Island?

The Atlantic - The Sun has a curious report today on Sheikh Hamad Bin Hamdan Al Nahyan, a member of Abu Dhabi's ruling family. The paper informs us that the billionaire sheikh had workmen carve his name, Hamad, in capital letters into an island he owns in the United Arab Emirates called Al Futaisi, without elaborating on when the name was inscribed, how it was accomplished, or how The Sun learned of the exploit. The paper reports that the name is so massive--we're talking two miles across, with each letter over half a mile high--that it's visible from space. Indeed, it is. To get a sense of just how gigantic this thing is, here's a view of both Abu Dhabi and Al Futaisi captured by Google Earth's satellites in 2009 (we've inserted an arrow to Hamad's name):

I mean, yea, its completely baller, don't get me wrong, I'd kill to have enough money just to build the H. So it's defintitely baller. 

But at the same time, I feel like by rich people standards, maybe this isn't that great? I mean I just picture Richard Branson living on his chain of islands getting a chuckle out of how hard this goofball sheikh is trying to fit in... That's the difference between true ballers, the movers and shakers of the world, and your average rich idiot. 

This island being the perfect example of the latter...this island is the equivalent of a hood rich dude pimping out his 2001 civic with a gigantic spoiler, 18 in rims and a fake hood scoop...Does it look allright? Sure.  When it lines up next to a dude rolling a 700 series BMW? Looks like a cheap childs toy.  In this analogy Richard Branson's string of tropical islands being the BMW.  Because without a doubt, push comes to shove, I'd rather own a tropical island in an area of the world I'd actually have a desire to visit, over some sandy waste land of an island, in the middle east, with neighboring terrorist countries and 120 degree heat.   As far as rich people are concerned this Sheikh's island is the equivalent of you or I carving our name in the sand with our toe at Hampton beach...big frigen whoop.

Woman Finds Sinkhole Under Her Bed in Guatemala, Sink Hole Capital of the World

Yahoo - Here's something you never want to hear: "That loud booming sound is coming from inside the house!" That's what one Inocenta Hernandez from Guatemala City learned after a sudden noise caused her to run outside, thinking there had been an explosion nearby. When she realized the problem was inside her home, she returned to find a gaping, three feet wide, 40 feet deep sinkhole beneath her bed. Hernandez, 65, was relieved that the damage was only to her house, and hadn't harmed her grandchildren, who had been playing near the bed. This was a little too close to home, but she couldn't have been too surprised that a sinkhole had visited her city. Guatemala City is prone to spawning giant pits, which are often caused by tropical rain storms. Sinkholes are natural depressions in the earth that can range anywhere from a few feet to hundreds of acres wide, and measure a shallow foot to 100 feet deep.

What the hell is wrong with Guatemalans? The lady finds a 65 foot hole beneat her bed, right through her linoleum floor and she isn't surprised because Guatemala is the sinkhole capital of the world? GET THE HELL OUT OF GUATEMALA PEOPLE!

Like, aren't you all uber religious like the rest of Latin America? Take it as a sign of God and get the fuck out, because I swear if I see some headline on the news 6 months from now about a whole city getting swallowed by a hole no one saw coming, I won't be donating time, money or blood to the Red Cross. You're gonna have to figure a way out of your hole on your own, standing on top of eachother's shoulders or some shit.

You can't go flaunting fate, living in the sinkhole capital of the world, expecting us all to feel bad when half your population sinks into the earth. Not gonna happen.

TSA Downgrading Full Body Scanner to No Longer Show A Person's Naked Body, Giving Up on America's Safety

Fox News - Under fire from privacy advocates, the Transportation Security Administration is upgrading its full body scanners to eliminate the use of images that show a passenger’s naked body. Over the new few months, the agency will install new software known as Automated Target Recognition (ATR) that can auto-detect items that pose a potential threat using a generic outline of a person for all passengers. “This software upgrade enables us to continue providing a high level of security through advanced imaging technology screening, while improving the passenger experience at checkpoints,” he said. Under the current system, TSA screeners who watch travelers as they pass through the machines do not see the naked images. The screeners who see such images work in separate locations and don’t see the passengers. Travelers may choose not to go through the scanner, but they then receive an invasive pat-down, which many feel also violates privacy.

Well, that's it for me, will have to tell my girlfriend we're either driving or not going on our vacation later this summer because there is no way I'm hopping on the plane now, not when the TSA can't gaurantee to me that the plane is bomb free. 

You see what you did people? You've put us all in danger, instead of shutting up and accepting the fact that some guy in a security room like a half mile away is viewing silhouetted pictures of your body in the name of America, Freedom, and Safety, we're now stuck with this cartoon machine that's going to make everyone's body look like Cathy from the Sunday Funnies.  Does that sound safe to you?

PS: Love how they try to phrase it as an "upgrade." Umm, no, pretty sure it sounds like you'll be seeing less detail, sounds very much like a downgrade to me.

Kim Kardashian Now Suing Old Navy For Using Look-A-Like Melissa Molinaro

Daily Mail - They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But Kim Kardashian has been left furious after clothing brand Old Navy used a lookalike in their new ad campaign. The 30-year-old reality star is now suing the clothing giant for somewhere in the region of $15 - $20 million. Perhaps adding to Kardashian's fury is the fact that the model and actress in the ad, Melissa Molinaro, is said to be currently dating 26-year-old NFL player Bush.

15-20 Million? Well that seems a bit outlandish...have you been to an Old Navy lately Kim (of course you haven't, it's rhetorical)? You can buy like 3 shirts and 2 pair of cargo shorts for like 8 bucks. Where do you think they're going to scratch $15-20 million from?  Seriously, look at their commercials? Aside from the one time they splurged and hired your look-a-like, when was the last time they actually hired a real live person? It's always those plastic mannequins, apparently they're able to sell their clothes at steep discounts because of all the cash they're saving on actors in their commercials.

As for the actual law suit, say she happens to win (she won't), does that leave the door open for her to also sue Reggie Bush? Isn't he benefitting from someone imitating her likeness just as much (if not more) than Old Navy.  I'm pretty sure if you asked an Old Navy exec and Reggie Bush who's enjoying the Melissa Molinaro era more, Reggie will be the one with the bigger grin.  I mean sure Old Navy is getting tons of publicity out of this, but Reggie is getting all the fun in plowing her twin without having that nagging thought in the back of his head about how everyone in the world has seen his girlfriend getting nailed by Ray-J. That's gotta be worth more than $15-20 mill, no?

Former Harvard Pres. Larry Summers Says What We're All Thinking...The Winklevii Are Assholes

LOS ANGELES (TheWrap) - Apparently, Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss really did double the displeasure for Larry Summers. The former Harvard president reaffirmed the perception created by the 2010 film "The Social Network" during an interview at Fortune's Brainstorm Tech conference, characterizing the button-down siblings as a pair of "a**holes." "Rarely, have I encountered such swagger, and I tried to respond in kind," Summers recalled. "One of the things you learn as a college president is that if an undergraduate is wearing a tie and jacket on Thursday afternoon at three o'clock, there are two possibilities. One is that they're looking for a job and have an interview; the other is that they are an a**hole. This was the latter case."

Watch out Larry Summers, I hear they're quite litigious...

I like this Larry Summers guy, I think with that sense of snarky wit he'd fit in perfectly here, probably provide some sound business guidance, considering his breadth of real world experience and our current leadership's (myself) absolute dearth.  Plus I figure he'd be good for a blog or two once in a while.

I mean look at that comment, he summed up everything we all think of the Winklevii's in one eloquent, yet straight to the point sentence.  And he's 100% right, on a college campus there is just no need to be marching around in a blazer and tie combo...it's college for godsakes.  Kids getting laid wearing cargo shorts and ironic t-shirts, no need to class it up, college girls literally could care less, buy them a cocktail or two and it's like they've found their soulmate. 

So Larry, in closing, if times ever get tough for you out there, just know that our door is always open. I'm thinking something along the lines of Senior Editor, but I'm sure we could work out an ombudsman title for someone of your stature.

PS: One of the twins (the one on the right above) looks exactly like my friend Shades...exactly like him.  And only that one. I know they're twins, I know that makes no sense, but that twin happens to capture his essence, I don't know why.

Mass Law Makers Considering Online Lottery Sales?

BOSTON (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - There is s a push on Beacon Hill to sell Lottery tickets online. Proponents of the plan – including U.S. Rep. Barney Frank – say it could eventually spike sales by 10 percent to 25 percent, boosting state coffers by as much as $1 billion a year. Lawmakers will mull a bill Tuesday requiring the state Lottery to launch a pilot program letting players use their credit cards to buy tickets on the Internet. But the proposal faces some opposition.

Barney frank is just fucking with us on purpose now, right? Like the man who put his name onto the biggest cop-out, piece of shit, anti-american, banking regulations law in the history of America is cool with absolute degenerates sitting at home plugging in their credit card information and playing scratch tickets and the through the convenience of the internet? Fucking kidding me?

The bright side is I’ll be able to swing into my local Tedeschi's without wading through the handful of boozehound degenerates who you know haven’t showered today, just woke up rolled over to the convenience store and started binging on beer and keno.  Not having to deal with that anymore will be a plus.

On the other hand, if you’re going to allow this then bring back online poker and gambling. I’m not going to look it up, but I can safely assume Barney Frank had a huge  hand in Black Friday for poker sites, and now he’s backing state sponsored online gambling? Huge shock.  Guy is becoming one of the biggest hacks this state has ever seen, and we’ve seen quite a few.

They're Back! 31 of the 33 Miners Too Dumb To Profit Off Their Story, Suing Chilean Government

Huliq - The lawsuit is not about the money, according to the miners. Instead, it is about setting a precedent so that such an incident does not happen again. It is also, the miners said, not made against the president, Sebastian Pinera, whose team coordinated the rescue, miner Omar Reygadas said, speaking for the group. Instead, it was a lawsuit aimed at the state in general, for allowing the conditions that led to the disaster. The lawsuit accuses the government agency that oversees mining of failing to ensure safety. "This lawsuit is only to set a precedent so this won't happen again. It's so that conditions improve." The miners are seeking $541,000 each. Some miners, however said they were unaware of the exact amount until they read about it in the media.

These guys again? Seriously suing for 500K a man? First of all if you were going to sue you should have done it right away, literally no one cares about you guys anymore. And second of all, if you couldn’t profit enough off of publicity and tours and motivational speaking (granted you’d have to learn English, but still) after getting stuck in a mine shaft for months, well then frankly you don’t deserve to be awarded. Like hey, congrats on living and suriving that ordeal, now go back to the real world because you were to dumb to capitalize on it.

Sorry if that’s harsh but I just don’t see how this can be possible. Like all those appearances and publicity I saw, running marathons, appearing on every late show under the sun, imitating elvis, was that all just the other two guys? Are they the only 2 who realized what a cash cow they were sitting on.  I’m betting they stay up late at night laughing at their fortune of getting stuck and nearly dying in a mine with 31 of the absolute dumbest people on earth.  Instead of having to share all the riches that come with their fame they’re capitalizing alone and probably making out like bandits.

How Fast Would You DVR This Maury Povich Sex Slave Show?

Thanks to WMD for the image.

Maury must have finally lost his damn mind. As much as this would absolutely be appointment television, who does this affect, like 2, 3 girls a decade? Maybe a dude once in a while? Unless we're talking about girls sold into the sex slave by Europeans and Asian Triads.  But that's a lot less interesting than what I assume Maury's going for here, the Elizabeth Smart, all American girl type. 

And either way, I'm guessing the hotline isn't flooded with calls for this one, I just get the feeling that someone that just escaped from sex slavery would prefer to talk to someone with journalistic integrity, like Regis, or Dr. Phil. Sorry Maury, stick to your bread and butter, hoodrat skanks who can't figure out which guy knocked 'em up during their most recent gang bang.

The Wienermobile is Hiring! I'd Drop This Blog So Fast to Drive that thing.

That Hotdog is about to do bad things to that cow.

Boston Globe - Oscar Meyer is taking resumes until the end of January for one-year spots as Hotdoggers. As an official company ambassador, you'll set up, publicize, and attend promotional and charity events in the oh-so-stylin' Wienermobile. And you may need to do radio interviews or make television appearances. What are they looking for? First, it helps to have an upbeat, bubbly personality. They'd also prefer that you have a BA or BS in communications, PR, journalism, advertising, marketing. But if you really think you're Hotdogger material they'll consider other majors. If you get hired, the gig comes with a "competitive'' salary (What does this mean? Are there legions of other Hotdoggers out there who might be making more or less than Oscar Meyer pays?), expenses, benefits, and clothing. They send you to Hot Dog High in lovely Madison, Wis., for training on Oscar Meyer's products, how to run your own PR operation, and, most importantly, how to drive the Wienermobile.

You're kidding yourself if you don't think I applied as soon as I saw this. I may not be in PR, but I have a blog and know how to twitter, that's gotta count, right? Who needs a marketing degree, I'm pretty sure the gigantic hotdog shaped car does the trick on that front, it's all personality from there.

I'd be perfect for the job, just live, eat, and breathe Oscar Meyer.  I'd be ruthless too, parking right in front of ice cream trucks to block them out, shelling out hotdogs and bologna on hot summer days, free ketchup and mustard for everyone. I'd be the hero of the neighborhood.

The only real downside I see is trying to park this thing inconspicuously during your down time. Like there's just no way you can roll up to shop for groceries or hit you local bar in this thing. You'd be mobbed like a celebrity in seconds, when all you want is to blow off a little steam and relax.  Wienermobile drivers are people too, they don't always want to be in the spot light.  

Woman Tries to Claim Gigantic Wart on Foot is a 3rd Nipple.

Daily Mail - Lily Allen proudly showed hers off on television, Mark Wahlberg's famous for his and just last week, Zac Efron was forced to deny he has two. But a 22-year-old woman has trumped them all - by growing a full-sized extra nipple on the sole of her foot. Although one in 50 women and one in 100 men have extra nipples, according to the California-based Dermatology Journal it's the first time one has ever been discovered so far down somebody's body. The woman told doctors she had had the unusual growth - which is almost two inches wide - all her life, and it had never caused her any pain.

 Oh come on lady, I know a disgusting bunion/wart when I see one and that's exactly what that is.  You know why doctors haven't ever seen a nipple on the bottom of someone's foot before? Because people don't have nipples on the bottoms of their feet! What the hell would it be doing down there? Looks like some doc just outright failed his anatomy class in med-school.

And I get it...this girls probably lost countless boyfriends because of that humongous wart (it looks like it has to be fed 3x a day), but you're not fooling anyone calling it a nipple, and frankly it doesn't help at all, its still disgusting as fuck.  It's not like some guys going to find it, freak out, and then calm down when you just explain that it's your third nipple, that's all. No freaking way. I'd snap a pic with my cellphone, send it to all my friends and then get the hell out of there. You'd never see me again.

Do yourself a gigantic favor, nipple, mole, carnivorous wart, whatever that hell that is, go to a real doctor and get that thing lanced off and move on with your life, never speak of this again.

15 Year Old At Modeling Camp Told To "Work on her Height"

Daily Mail - Perhaps justifiably, the modelling industry doesn’t have the sweetest reputation. Just ask 15-year-old Danielle Samuel, who has been told to ‘work on her height’ by a Wilhelmina modelling agency rep. Visiting New York from Saint Lucia, the youngster was given the sage advice by the international modelling agency as part of her $999 Modeling Camp.  Speaking to the New York Daily News, the teen said that the modelling agency rep had told her ‘she had really good facial expressions,’ but that her height needed some attention. ‘I just need to work on my height, because I'm a little short,’ said Ms Samuel.

You know who's not going to be the Next Top Model? This girl. Because if there is one thing I know about Tyra, its that she hates, hates, a tattle tale.  A little piece of advice for this 15 year old, if you go to a modeling camp and they tell you to work on your height, you work on your height. You don't go running to your local rag of a newspaper and complain about how they didn't tell you you're perfect and the prettiest girl ever.   This isn't self-esteem camp, this is modelling camp.  If they want you to look more like a gangly ostrich, you do it. 

By the way, what the hell goes on at modeling camp? Like what does the $999 cover? A bunch of teenage girls living out a fantasy that they are way too ugly to ever fulfill?  Aside from practicing walking and techniques for throwing up what else are they possibly doing with that $999? It certainly isn't covering meals, we know that, so where is the money going? Lessons on how best to attract a rich older man after your career doesn't work out?

Kentucky Man Arrested for DUI During Demolition Derby

Columbia Tribune - A man in Kentucky — of course, it was Kentucky — was arrested after the Jessamine County Fair demolition derby event and charged with drunken driving. Filed under D for “Duh!,” it seems that David L. Warner Jr. consumed a few Bud Lights before hopping in his clunker and ramming into the other competitors. I mean, he could have hurt somebody! Police received numerous complaints, so they came down to the fairgrounds and became suspicious when they noticed him swerving. No truth to the rumor that they also cited him for not using his turn signals and for having a broken taillight. After Warner won, police observed him staggering and having trouble standing. Surely it had nothing to do with a bunch of cars running into each other. Afterward, Jessamine County’s finest plodded over to the bumper cars, where they proceeded to ticket kids for reckless driving.

Wow, talk about shoddy journalism, I don't think the original writer could have been further off here.  The man wasn't arrested for DUI and public safety reasons, the dude was arrested for using performance enhancing substances.

I've got $100 dollars that the numerous complaints came from competing drivers after this dude just came out like a bat out of hell, steam rolling the competition.  I can't think of a better performance enhancer for a demolition derby than a 12 pack of Bud Heavy's and liquid courage.  Barry Bonds himself, injecting HGH and stem cells from baby fetus' wouldn't have had more of an advantage than this guy rolling through a demolition derby completley faced. 

How Depressing Would A Cruise to Detroit Be?

Take your family on a cruise to the Ghost communities around Detroit!

Detroit - The 100 tourists who will visit Detroit on Monday will be different from the city's usual visitors. They'll arrive not by car or bus or train or plane, but by cruise ship. On Monday, the Grande Mariner will become the first cruise ship to dock at the new Detroit/Wayne County Port Authority terminal on the riverfront near Hart Plaza. By coincidence, the port authority will hold a ribbon-cutting ceremony for the new $22-million facility Monday, featuring Mayor Dave Bing and Wayne County Executive Robert Ficano, among others.  The passengers arriving aboard the Grande Mariner already have their sightseeing mapped out, Jamian said. "Believe it or not, they're very excited to see General Motors' world headquarters" in the Renaissance Center, he said. "That's a big draw. Greenfield Village is the second big draw. Detroit is getting a lot of action these days."

I mean maybe this exciting if you're from like Flint? I don't know, I just can't imagine the walk of life you have to be from to think a cruise to Detroit is going to be a good time. Maybe Detroit is tropical to Canadians?  If my Dad ever came home and was  like "pack your bags kids we're going on a cruise to Detroit!", I'm pretty sure I'd just have rolled my eyes and assumed it was his idea of a joke.

And with cruise industries basically giving away cruises to get people on board you have to wonder what kind of promotions are going to go along with a cruise to Detroit.  Maybe a 5 day trip and a years worth of food stamps? A 7 Day Journey and an abandoned warehouse down town?  Families of 5 or more get a 3 month time share as owners of the Detroit Lioins?

The Worlds First Cannonball Dookie

Gross, absolutely, no argument here, just adding this to the list of reasons I don't swim in lakes (we're up to leeches, duck itch, and human shit, if you're following at home).

But you have to respect the coordination and timing involved here.  I mean sprinting with bowls full of shit is awkward enough, but running, jumping, and tucking your knees to your chest before pushing? That takes some serious coordination, like double jointed shit or something.

And that's without even mentioning the timing. 1 second early and he just shit all over the dock, 1 second later and he's splashing down in his own fecal filth.  But our man here just pulled off sheer perfection, and on the first take no less (which is good because I imagine there's a lot of down time between takes, no chance you can plop out logs like that more than once a day, right?)

Bus Driver and Baby Stroller Show Down Snarls Traffic for Hours

A traffic jam of baby strollers, single mothers, young children and an angry driver on the Number 52 bus caused an-hour-long traffic jam on Joseph Howe Drive Tuesday afternoon. Mandy Fitzgerald, 24, was one of six single mothers who paid her bus fare and pushed her stroller onto the bus around 12:10 Tuesday afternoon with her three- and four-year-old children in tow. Each of the women was pushing a regular-sized baby stroller and had just come from a parenting class. Another woman also had her two small children with her. Fitzgerald says the group folded up some seats designed to make room for wheelchairs in order make space for the strollers, prompting an angry reproach from the driver. "As soon as we got on the bus, the bus driver said 'Don't put up the seats,' but we did anyway because there was no room," Fitzgerald told News 95.7. "We put up the seats and he freaked out and called security." The women were told to get off the bus, but refused and subsequently the driver refused to operate the bus.  A Metro Transit supervisor was called and then police. Several police cars and Metro Transit vehicles surrounded the bus, with the women inside, but no police action was taken. "They called them to try to get us off the bus, but they couldn't get us off the bus," said the mother of four. "One cop actually said 'I'm not going to be the one to kick all these single mothers off the bus with all their kids."

So torn here. On the one hand I see the bus driver as somewhat of a hero, enough is enough with open strollers on buses and subways, fold that shit up and hold your kid for a few minutes, it aint gonna kill ya.  

On the other hand it's not like he was sticking up for everyone, in fact he wasn't really sticking up for anyone, just some hypothetical handicap passengers, none of whom happened to be on or waiting for the bus at the time.  Like hey jerkoff, I'm not handicapped, but I don't like having this double wide stroller knocking into my knee every time you hit a pothole either, how about standing up for the little guy too.

My biggest problem with this story? The cops. Hey guys you're paid to get in there and make the peace, not waffle like a bunch of indecisive broads, playing  with children's toys instead of making tough decisions. Either side with the women or the bus driver, but pick something and move the fuck on.  I'd be furious if I was sitting behind this thing and found out it was a simple argument over strollers, you'd think there was a hostage situation if this thing was lasting over an hour.  It's one of two decisions guys, you tell the bus driver to shut up and do his job or you tell the mom's to fold up the carriages and quit their bitching. Jesus, does CW have to do everything around here?

Officials Finally Decide to Drain Fall River Pool, Like 3 Weeks After Body Found in Murky Waters

FALL RIVER (AP) - A swimming pool where a woman's body lay unnoticed in murky water for days is being drained as part of the investigation into her drowning death. Authorities working on the investigation in Fall River, about 50 miles south of Boston, expected to need most of the weekend to pump nearly a quarter-million gallons of water from the pool into nearby sewers. The Vietnam Veterans Memorial Pool at Lafayette Park was closed after 36-year-old Marie Joseph's body surfaced June 28, perhaps two days after she drowned. Authorities have said the cloudy water hid her body in the pool's murky deep end. The death of the Newport, R.I., hotel housekeeper from Haiti has been ruled an accident.

So draining the pool isn't standard procedure after finding a floater? I mean how many more mistakes can this pool make. What did they do the day they found the body floating in murky water? Skim it out and add some chlorine and shock and check the pH balance? The fuck is going on down in Fall River these days? Can we just get them some general pool maintenance lessons and try to move on past this? I mean every day a new headline embarrasses the city more and more.  Guys the pool should have been drained like 3 weeks ago. There was a dead body in it for days...use some common sense, we're not trying to start a new bubonic plague here.

Boston Ascends to its Rightful Position: Named Meanest City in America.

DEAR BOSTON: Your personality test has been completed, and the results aren’t pretty. Actually, they are downright embarrassing. Two psychologists conducted a national survey, asking Americans questions designed to measure 24 “character strengths.’’ They grouped some of these strengths, like gratitude and valuing emotional connections, as “strengths of the heart’’ - a fancy way of saying kindness. And then, for each of the nation’s 50 largest cities, they calculated an average score. The conclusion: Boston came in at number 50. As in, dead last. As in, none of the country’s other major cities - not New York, not Los Angeles, not even Washington, D.C. - can match us for sheer smallness of spirit. We are officially the capital of mean...Now it would be easy, in typical Boston fashion, to get defensive at this point. Who do these people think they are - these outsiders, no less - taking potshots at our fair city? But there is a vital message here, one that we all need to hear. And I can assure you that these particular outsiders, the University of Michigan’s Nansook Park and Christopher Peterson, don’t have anything against us.

 Well thank goodness for that, I'd hate to think that we were becoming some ninny politically correct city like DC or the land of peace loving hippies, hipsters, and phonies like LA.  

And leave it to a bunch of outsiders complaining about us being "too mean" good lord people, pre-school was like 20+ years ago, newsflash you can't make it through life going around hugging and loving everyone you see while singing and dancing with an ambiguously gay purple dinosaur. Shit just isn't real life.

You're god damn right we're mean and guarded, it's the only way to keep everyone out of our business. Just let us be. We'll keep telling everyone how we're one of America's great cities and bragging about sports and the Greenway and shit, and making fun of people from other cities all we want.  Plus if you like everyone and every thing how do I know if you're being phony or not? Listen, no one is that happy-go lucky, we're just not full of shit like the rest of the country. We respect honesty, a solid 70% of the time people are miserable, worrying about bills, worrying about schedules and appointments, failing tests, projects at work, its all stressful, you've got to release it somewhere.

Plus, there's an us against them mentality here and its kinda served us well, if you believe you're the best and believe everyone else is inferior (even NY, though deep down what makes us so angry is that we know its not true), you'll be the best, so with all do respect, how about you shut the hell up and go bother some other city that maybe gives a care about what some dorky report out of Michigan says, because for the most part we're happy with they way things are...except for the goddamn winters, I hate the winters.